


flirting with madness

by AssumingMinds19



Series: disturbed natures [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, F/F, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Recovery, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, anger issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-03-04 07:50:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 206,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13359840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssumingMinds19/pseuds/AssumingMinds19
Summary: Lena needs help. When you're weeks out of the hospital for a suicide attempt and not one person comes to visit, maybe it's time to re-evaluate things. That's how she ended up signing herself into a psychiatric facility, looking to get her head on right and her life back. She definitely wasn't expecting to meet a beautiful and flirtatious blonde patient, who seems to be fascinated with her every move. But Kara has her own issues to deal with and Lena isn't looking to fall in love. Is she?ORThe mental illness AU fic where people are angry, sad and lost... but they’re all still people.





	1. Sanity And Happiness Are An Impossible Combination

**Author's Note:**

> So I figured I'd be ambitious with this. The second fic I've ever written but hopefully, it keeps people interested. Keen for feedback so leave your thoughts in the comments.

The hospital looked relatively normal. But then again, how was a hospital supposed to look. Lena had imagined seven-foot walls with razor wire and patrolling security guards with a dank and dreary building in the background. Instead, she was met with the site of a pale yellow, slightly aged, concrete building sitting under a blue sky with a cheery sign placed outside.

 

Welcome to Krypton Psychiatric Hospital: Visitors please sign in at the front desk.

 

Well fuck.

 

That really destroyed the foundation of her weeks of anxiety leading up to this decision. Tossing up whether to check herself into the self-imagined hell hole filled to the brim with foam at the mouth loonies. Or stay in her cold and empty penthouse with only bourbon to drink while reminiscing on her mistakes to pass the time. This sunshine box really took the wind out of her sails. Still, she hesitated to look at the bar free door. Should she really be doing this? She highly doubted Lillian would approve, given her reaction to the circumstances of their last meeting. But it had been five weeks of radio silence from everyone Lena knew, including her mother. And she had a choice to make and decided fuck it. Might as well give hell a shot.

 

Even if hell had sunflowers planted in the front garden.

 

Steeling herself to channel her alter ego CEO persona, she marched forward towards the reception area and opened the door. A little bell hanging from it jingled to announce her arrival. What the fuck? This was supposed to be the best psychiatric treatment facility in the state and it seemed as professional as an IHOP. 

 

“Hi!” Said a brightly smiling short man who was behind the desk. He was dressed neatly in an orderly’s uniform and when Lena squinted she was positive he wasn’t carrying any tranquillisers.

 

“Uh hello,” she replied unsteadily. How did one check themselves into a mental institution with charm and grace?

 

“I’m self-admitting.”

 

“Oh you must be Lena, you called earlier in the week. You’re lucky we had an opening! One of our patients was just checked out.” The man continued cheerfully as if they weren’t talking about mental patients rotating in and out of legal drug land. 

 

“Yeah” she replied quietly “That’s me.”

 

“Oh I’m so sorry, I never introduced myself. I’m Nurse Schott, but you can call me Winn.” He stated reaching his hand across the desk which Lena took and limply shook before letting go as fast as possible. 

 

Nurse Schott, or Winn, continued on oblivious to Lena’s awkwardness.

 

“Now I know the reasons for your admittance were discussed on the phone, but I just need to confirm before you sign yourself in. What conditions do you have that led to your admitting yourself today?”

Lena cleared her throat before answering.

 

“Uhh… I've had anxiety for nearly my whole life and I’ve been on Xanax and stuff before but yeah, it never really goes away. Ummm… my brother…. died last year and since then I guess I’ve been spiraling. I’m depressed. My fiancee left me, I had to stand down from my company and five weeks ago I tried to commit suicide.”

 

To his credit, Winn didn’t look nearly as shocked as she thought someone would when she imagined telling people the circumstances of her sudden forced resignation five weeks ago. She was kicked out politely by her mother who told her to return when she ‘became serious’ and ‘got her focus back’. The man merely nodded before moving onto the next question.

 

“Do you understand that by voluntarily committing yourself today, you are free to leave whenever you wish unless assessed to be a danger to yourself or others?”

 

Lena hesitated before replying, “Yes.”

 

“Do you still wish to admit yourself today?”

 

Another hesitation, “Yes.”

 

“Ok then.” The man said gently, cottoning onto Lena’s mood. “I just need your signature at the bottom of these papers and then we can see about getting you settled in. Unfortunately, I have to go through your belongings to hold on to any forbidden items. Also… you’re going to have to give me the laces from your shoes.”

 

Lena looked down at her sneaker-clad feet. She had dressed for comfort, rather than style, figuring there wouldn’t be anyone in this place to judge her fashion choices. She had done her research when looking for a place to be admitted and she knew that Krypton took the confidentiality of its patients extremely seriously. Still, she hadn’t thought to research whether her shoelaces would be considered taboo. It was a jarring reality of the decision she was making. Her life and the meager belongings she had brought with her were about to be spread out for all to see.

 

“Ms. Luthor?”

 

Winn’s gentle voice pulled Lena from her silence and she realised that she had been standing staring at her shoes. 

 

Well if he didn’t think she was crazy before…. 

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Of course. Shoelaces yeah.” Lena said before messily scrawling her signature on the bottom of the commitment papers as if making her name illegible would mean she was never here.

 

The nurse smiled knowingly again, “It’s ok Ms. Luthor. No one expects you to be entirely comfortable with this decision. It’s ok to be unsure, we just have to take precautions for yourself and the other patients. If you would prefer, I can have a female nurse go through your belongings with you? She will have to be with you when you change anyway.”

 

“No no, it’s ok. I don’t mind.” Lena said steeling herself. For God’s sake, she made Forbes most powerful women under thirty last year, she could do this.

 

She allowed herself a weak smile for the kind man.

 

“And please, call me Lena.”

 

* * *

 

After Lena had changed, she was led to a quiet hallway by the female nurse named Vasquez.

“You’ll be staying in this corridor. It’s where our patients with mood disorders are kept. It’s pretty quiet right now because the others are outside doing a group activity, so it should be easy to settle in. Dinner will be brought round at six for the duration of your stay, though if you prefer, you can eat in the common room with the other members of the group. There is five of you all together and we encourage you to get to know one another. You’ll have your first psychiatric assessment in the morning with our Head Psychiatrist, Dr. Jones.” 

 

Vasquez finished her speech when they stood outside a simply furnished, but friendly looking room. If Lena didn’t know better, she could be staying in a clean and simple hotel room. A double bed, dressing stand and built in wardrobe furnished the room and there was a door leading to what Lena assumed was the bathroom. It had a nice view over the lawned area and Lena walked forward to survey the world beyond the window. A group of four were doing some sort of yoga activity next to the lake, but it didn’t seem to be running very smoothly. The two men in the group were following along with the instructor's directions, albeit slightly stiffly, but there appeared to be a silent argument going on between the two woman. One, a tall brunette, was flipping off the other woman, a strong looking blonde. The blonde had her arms crossed over her chest as she gave the brunette what Lena assumed was the stink eye. Lena had a feeling that the argument was going to have an interesting end so she kept watching fascinated. She was not disappointed and let out a short burst of laughter when the brunette turned to face the instructor and the blonde seized her chance and pushed the other woman into the lake. 

 

Chaos ensued in the following minutes when the men’s revere was broken and the clean-shaven man decided to jump in after the brunette while the nurses descended.

 

Vasquez sighed and shook her head at the sight of the dripping pair being hauled out the water as the blonde woman was frog-marched back into the building. The second bearded man merely stood on the edge of the lake laughing while the slightly drowned brunette shouted after the other girl. She didn’t seem fazed by all the fuss she’d caused and was sporting a wide grin.

 

“I shouldn’t be saying this, but we were all starting to wonder which one would push Arias in the lake first.” Vasquez admitted to the grinning Lena.

 

“I guess you should consider this the first step in your treatment though!” She finished.

 

Lena looked up with a start at the darker woman.

 

“What's that?” She asked curiously.

 

“Getting you to laugh!” She finished with a sunny smile. “Anyway, I’ll let you get settled in. Like I said dinner will be around at six, I'm assuming you’ll want to eat in your room for the first night?” She asked.

 

Lena nodded in reply.

 

“Ok then. There’s a shared library down the hall if you are looking for something to read and tomorrow afternoon after your assessment and group therapy, one of the other patients will give you the full tour.”

 

“Really?” Lena asked surprised.

 

“We try to encourage a mentorship environment. For the duration of your stay here, you’ll be asked to take on more responsibilities. Assisting with the grounds maintenance, mentorship, organising the library etc. We've found it helps build confidence and purpose.” The nurse finished.

 

Lena prayed she was assigned to the library, she definitely wasn’t an outdoor girl.

 

“Well I’ll leave you to it, let you get settled in.”

 

“Uhhh before you go…. am I going to be… I mean, am I going to be able to leave my room when the door closes,” she finished awkwardly.

Nurse Vasquez smiled easing Lena’s fears.

 

“All the doors to the patient's rooms have external locks on them, but we only lock them if you display signs of aggressive or intrusive behaviour towards the staff or patients.”

 

Lena let out a breath she’d been holding in and the Nurse sent her a knowing look before leaving the room quietly. Lena turned when she heard the click of the door closing, and placed her bag of belongings on the bed. Her phone had been confiscated upon her arrival, but there was a landline with a ridiculously short cable on her bedside table which Winn had told her she could call anyone from. Not that she was going to get any phone calls and she highly doubted anyone would be calling her. Most of her friends had left in droves after her brother died and she became obsessed with her work. The final few stragglers had disappeared when Veronica left her. And as for her family… well, all she had left was Lillian and although she had sent her an email about her decision to come here she highly doubted that she would be getting any phone calls from her mother. Lillian most likely fabricated an excuse to use with other people whenquestioned about Lena’s resignation and subsequent disappearance.

 

It was nearly dinnertime and Lena decided to freshen up in the bathroom. Even though she was eating alone tonight and possibly for the foreseeable future, it made Lena feel better about herself to be clean and neat.

 

After a quick shower in the surprisingly nice bathroom, she tried to find something for herself to do. Lena wasn’t used to such long periods of inactivity. Apart from the weeks since she had been forced out of L-Corp. She usually drank or slept to pass the time, but Lena supposed she should be trying to use healthier coping mechanisms. She turned on the TV in the corner to try and distract herself and avoided the news, the last thing she needed was to see her own face plastered across the screen and instead landed on an unknown daytime soap. 

 

At five past six, another orderly who introduced himself as James brought her dinner. She wasn’t allowed metal cutlery, but the food wasn’t as bad as she was expecting. So far this place had definitely surpassed her expectations, but as she hadn’t actually had any therapy sessions she couldn't really form an accurate picture. After all, that was the reason she was here. Still, all the nurses she had met thus far had been kind and friendly. They all had a knowledgeable air about them and hadn’t been phased by any of Lena’s history or awkward demeanour. 

 

After Lena had finished and her tray had been cleared by James, she changed into her pyjamas and settled back under the covers. It was definitely an early night for her, but she figured she would need her rest for tomorrow’s assessment with Dr. Jones.

 

She’s just was about to nod off when she heard shouting outside in the corridor.

 

“NO! You can’t take me back. I’m not going back! Stay back General Zod!”

 

There were other muffled voices and the shouting man was moved further away from Lena’s door. The incident had caused Lena to shift from restless to wide awake and she lay rigid in the bed with the covers pulled up to her chin. 

 

And to think, she was almost lulled into believing this whole thing was something normal. But it wasn’t normal. She was here, self-committed after a suicide attempt and a total life breakdown. Sleeping in a corridor full of other, potentially even more mad patients with likely stories as sad as her own. 

 

It took her a long time to fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

Lena woke up to the sound of knocking on her door.

 

“Lena? It’s Nurse Vasquez, I’m just coming in to see if you’re awake.”

 

Vasquez eased open the door and Lena blinked blearily through her tangled hair at the nurse.

 

“Ughhh… what time is it?” Lena grumbled. Contrary to popular belief, the ex-CEO was _not_ a morning person. 

 

“It’s six-thirty Ms. Luthor. Breakfast is usually served at seven and you have your first appointment with Dr. Jones at eight.”

 

Sitting up and wiping the sleep from her eyes, Lena replied to the other woman with her best businesswoman voice, “Can we push that back to ten?”

 

Vasquez chuckled before answering “Unfortunately not Ms. Luthor. But it’s good to see you have a healthy sense of humour.”

 

Standing up from the bed Lena stated “Well you know what they say. If you didn’t laugh at the world, all you could do is cry.”

 

“Well said Ms. Luthor. I’ll leave you to get ready and breakfast will be around shortly.” The nurse said before exiting the room. 

 

Lena had another shower before dressing herself for the day. Her breakfast was brought around by Winn this morning, who knocked and opened the door cheerfully after hearing Lena’s muffled “come in.”

 

“Morning Lena! Did you have a good nights sleep? I know it can be weird sleeping in a new bed, but I gotta tell ya the mattress’ are ten times better then they used to be. Me and James pushed for them after we got stuck sleeping on one during the fires last year. Not that I want to freak you out! The fires were ages away from here and it’s winter now anyway.”

 

“It was ok” Lena replied rather stunned by the outpouring of words from the male nurse. She nervously asked Winn about the shouting in the corridor last night. Winn’s face dropped slightly.

 

“Sorry, you heard that. One of our residents has delusion episodes, but he’s not violent. Sometimes he yells and has to be talked down so that he goes back to his room at night that's all.”

 

A slightly uneasy silence filled the room before Winn’s face broke into another grin. 

 

“But, that's what he’s here for! And he’s already made so much progress, he has a really hopeful future ahead of him! Plus he does the most beautiful paintings.”

 

Lena smiled at the obvious sincerity in Winn’s voice. He seemed genuinely convinced of the unnamed man’s recovery and Lena highly doubted the man would be in this ward if he was violent. 

 

Winn left her to eat her breakfast, again surprisingly highly edible, after informing her that a nurse would be escorting her to her appointment. 

 

“Just until you get your bearings and have the tour.”

 

“Do you know who will be showing me around?” Lena asked.

 

“You’ll get to meet everybody at group today, one of our psychologists leads the session and after your introduced to everyone she’ll pick someone to show you around.”

 

Lena finished her food and at ten to eight, another nurse named Jess arrived to take her to Dr. Jones’ office.

 

“Here we are,” Jess said after they had walked down a corridor and stood in front of a door with Dr. Jones’ name plaque on it. Jess knocked and a gruff voice sounded through the wood, “Come in.” 

 

The nurse pushed open the door and gestured for Lena to walk in before closing the door behind her.

 

A broad African-American man stood up from behind a steel desk to greet Lena with a firm handshake.

 

“Hello Ms. Luthor, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Dr. Jones, but you can call me Jonn.”

 

The doctor had a deep soothing voice and a stern face, but Lena could see a warmth there. No doubt his demeanor paired with the impressive number of degrees behind his desk had earned him the title of best psychiatrist in the state.

 

Lena smiled genuinely before releasing his hand and replying.

 

“Please call me Lena, Jonn.”

 

A smile graced the man’s face before gesturing for Lena to sit in the chair opposite the desk.

 

“Lena….” He began settling himself in his own chair. “Would you like a cookie?”

 

Lena was starting to get used to the off-balance feeling she kept getting from the employees of the facility when they behaved in such friendly manners, but even she was thrown by the outstretched hand offering her a cookie jar.

 

“Uhh, no thanks?” she said waving him away.

 

Jonn smile grew larger before he reached into the jar to withdraw one to eat for himself.

 

“I can see you and I are going to get along famously Lena. I only offer them to be polite, but I’d much rather keep them to myself. They’re my vice” He whispered.

 

He chomped down on his cookie, eyeing her over his desk. He started talking after he wiped the crumbs off his chest while Lena tried to hide her grin.

 

“So Lena. Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

 

Lena released a sigh before replying defeatedly. “Well, you can find out pretty much all you need to know about me from an internet search.”

 

“Does that bother you?”

 

His question startled Lena and gave her pause.

 

“Yeah,” she answered. “It does.”

 

“So what could I learn about Lena from you that I wouldn’t find on google?” he asked.

 

She took a deep breath before responding.

 

“I love to read. My favourite books are the Harry Potter series. I was adopted and I guess I always related to Harry.”

 

“How so?”

 

“Well… I guess I didn’t have the easiest childhood. My home life was difficult, my parents expected a lot from me and my brother was always the favourite. I just kind of wished that I would get my Hogwarts letter and be whisked away to somewhere magical.”

 

Jonn nodded before continuing, “Did you relate to the idea that Harry didn’t feel it, but was secretly special?”

 

That one stung a bit and Lena snappily replied.

 

“Should you be writing this down?”

 

Jonn raised an eyebrow.

 

“Should you be deflecting?”

 

Lena held back a grunt. It seems this doctor gave as good as he got.

 

“It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about a particular topic Lena, I won’t push it unless I feel it’s important. You just have to tell me that you want to move on. You’re a person of intelligence and I like to think I am too, we don’t need to bullshit each other.”

 

Lena liked him.

 

“Anyway, what else can you tell me about yourself?” Join continued.

 

“I love to cook, even if it’s just for myself. My favourite food is kale. My favourite colour is blue. I hate flying, one time I was dared into going bungee jumping by my fiancée and I fainted before I could get to the platform. I renovated the bathroom in my penthouse by myself because I got bored. I once spent a week binge watching Star Wars on repeat and I’m a night owl, I hate early morning starts.”

 

Jonn let out a laugh.

 

“We do like to encourage early days here at Krypton, but I’ll make sure to schedule any future appointments later in the day.”

 

He rummaged around in his desk before retrieving a stress ball.

 

“Here,” he said handing it to her. She stared down at it a question in her eyes before he gestured to her hands.

 

“Restless fingers.” He pointed out.

 

She hadn’t realised she had been playing with the edge of her shirt. It was a habit Lillian had tried to break her out of since she was a child, and for the most part, she had stopped. It had come back recently since she was hospitalised. 

 

She took the offered ball from his hands and began squeezing it.

 

“You mentioned a fiancée. What is your relationship like with them?”

 

“Nonexistent. Veronica and I haven’t spoken in three months.” She responded.

 

“Do you think this has any relation to your attempted suicide?”

 

Lena sat back in her chair at this question, but she had already done enough introspection to know the answer.

 

“I think it was definitely a contributing factor. My brother died last year and I had to take over as the CEO of our family company. There was a lot of pressure from the board and the media. I had to become a different person and was spending way more hours at work. Veronica and I drifted apart because of it. I was growing distant and she left me. My anxiety had gotten progressively worse and I became depressed. I couldn’t even go to work anymore and I had to step down. So I guess I suddenly had a lot of time on my hands and no one to keep me company. So one day I just decided to… you know.”

 

Jonn nodded following Lena’s statement.

 

“And why did you decide to commit yourself?”

 

“Because I only had two options left to me. Try again or get my head right. And I wasn’t doing a bang up job fixing myself so I figured I’d come here.”

 

The doctor tapped his fingers on the desk while Lena squished her stress ball.

 

“It sounds like you have problems accepting help. Would you say that was an accurate assessment?” He asked.

 

“I guess. Apart from my brother, I’ve always done things by myself,”she replied.

 

“And what are your goals after you leave here?”

 

“I want to get my life back.” She stated confidently.

 

“Hmmm,” Jonn hummed before standing and looking out his window. He turned back to Lena before replying.

 

“No bullshit Lena. I think you have some deep-seated self-worth issues. They probably relate back to your childhood and have been reinforced by your relationships with others as an adult.” He finished before turning to write something down on his desk.

 

“I’m going to start you on mild antidepressants for now, we’ll see how you travel with those. As for your anxiety, I’d like to try counseling first before trying medication given the history you gave us about your Xanax use. Does that sound like something you’re comfortable with?”

 

Lena nodded, suddenly feeling exhausted. She stood up and Jonn walked her over to the door. 

 

“I’d like to schedule weekly sessions for the moment with me and bi-weekly meetings for you with one of our psychologists. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure they’re all past ten in the morning.” He finished with a grin and holding out his hand for another shake.

 

“Are you ok to make your own way back to your room, or would you like me to escort you?”

 

“No, no,” Lena replied “I’ll be fine.”

 

“Ok then. It was a pleasure to meet you, Lena. I hope your stay here is helpful in improving your quality of life.”

 

“Thank you, Jonn.” She answered before walking out the door and finding her way back to her room. She walked in and collapsed on the bed. She underestimated how exhausting her meeting with the doctor was going to be.

 

She didn’t realise she had fallen asleep until another gentle knock sounded on her door and Winn brought in her lunch.

 

“Hi Lena, sorry to wake you. We figured you’d be pretty tired so I offered to bring you lunch. Speaking of, do you want your dinner served again in your room tonight?”

 

“No” Lena answered annoyed at being caught in her sleepy state. “I’ll eat with everyone else.”

 

“Awesome sauce!” Winn replied before setting the tray up for her.

 

“Just so you know,” he said before leaving the room “Group’s down the hall and it’s the first room on the left. Just head down after you finish your lunch.”

 

Lena ate slowly. She wasn’t in a rush to meet the other patients. It was another brick in the ‘I’m a mental patient’ house she was building for herself. Nevertheless, once she had finished the last bite of her lunch, she made her way out of the bedroom and walked down the hall to the group therapy room. She paused at the open door before walking in. The chairs were placed in a circle and all the other residents of the ward were already sitting down along with a smaller dimpled woman Lena assumed was the psychologist. The brunette from yesterday was the first person to react to her presence.

 

“Ah, so the elusive new inmate finally decides to make an appearance.” She mocked in a poisonous tone.

 

Lena arched an eyebrow at her tone. Vasquez was right, this one definitely deserved a push in the lake.

 

“Oh shut the fuck up Sam.” The man with the beard said before winking at Lena. “You’re just pissed that she’s hotter than you.”

 

“Mike, what have I told you about swearing in group?” The therapist asked.

 

“Sorry Maggie, can’t hold myself back around the pretty ones.”

 

The psychologist, or Maggie, rolled her eyes before addressing the bitchy brunette.

 

“And Sam, if you behave like that again I'll have to tell Jonn and he’ll put a note in your file” she finished with a stern look and the scowling at the now silent woman.

 

The therapist stood to shake Lena’s hand.

 

“It’s nice to meet you Lena, please take a seat so we can get started.” She said gesturing to the spare seat next to the clean-shaven man.

 

He turned to her with a charming smile and introduced himself.

 

“Hi my name’s Clark Kent, it’s really nice to meet you.”

 

Lena smiled and replied.

 

“Lena. It’s nice to meet you as well.”

 

Maggie started the group off by talking about what they covered in the last session. That was when Lena first noticed the blonde woman in the group. She was the only person in that Lena didn’t know the name of. She was staring rather intently at her with manic blue eyes. Lena recognised her as the woman who had pushed Sam in the lake yesterday. She was the one who made Lena laugh. She had to admit, the girl was gorgeous. Beautifully curled hair cascaded down her shoulders and a pair of glasses framed her crazy eyes. She had strong looking shoulders and her arms looked like they could easily pick Lena up and slam her against the wall. Lena mentally chastised herself. Typical, only she would be in a mental hospital and get the hots for another patient. Bloody useless lesbian.

 

And why the fuck was the blonde girl with the crazy eyes staring at her like she was going to turn into a werewolf?

 

Lena leaned over to ask the friendly man on her left.

 

“Excuse me, but do you know who that is?” she asked him gesturing to Crazy Blue Eyes.

 

“Oh her?” He replied with a charming grin.

 

“She’s my cousin. Supergirl.”

 

Lena blinked at Clark’s rather odd yet sincere statement.

 

“Don’t listen to him” a honeyed voice interrupted.

 

It was the Crazy Eyed girl that had interjected. She leaned forward bracing her arms against her legs before continuing.

 

“He’s crazy.”

 

“Kara!” Maggie shouted furiously.

 

“What?” The woman named Kara said, an innocent expression on her face “we’re all crazy.”

 

Mike and Clark laughed at Maggie’s frustrated expression and Kara smiled.

 

“See?” she said, “Clark thought it was funny.”

 

Maggie gave her a sideways look before continuing.

 

“Anyway…. Since Lena’s new, why don’t we go around and introduce ourselves and tell her what we’ve been admitted for. Why don’t we start with you, Mike.”

 

The bearded man sighed good-naturedly and shooting Lena a smirk, introduced himself properly.

 

“Hi I’m Mike, I have borderline personality disorder and I’m here by court order after I took a bat toan ex-mates bar.”

 

Lena hid her shock at discovering that a patient was here by court order. She felt a bit stupid realising that some of the patients might _really_ not want to be here.

 

It was the brunette's turn next.

 

“My names Sam. My paperwork says I have antisocial personality disorder and I shouldn’t be here.”

 

“What she means is, that she’s a fucking sociopath.”

 

“MIKE!” Maggie yelled.

 

“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t swear. But the sociopath thing is true…”

 

“I swear to God Daxam, I’m going to cut your balls off in your sleep.”

 

“Sam shut it. Mike don’t swear again or you’ll be re categorising every book in the library.”

 

Lena cracked a smile at the exchange but stopped when she realised Kara was still staring at her.

 

Maggie sighed at the groups usual antics before turning to the quiet Clark.

 

“Clark?”

 

“Hi, I’m Clark. Nice to meet you again. I’ve been diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic.”

 

Clark smiled charmingly, but Lena stiffened. Schizophrenic? 

 

Kara noticed her posture and called out.

 

“What? He too nuts for your bolts?”

 

The rest of the group giggled and Lena flushed while leveling the smirking Kara with a glare.

 

Maggie shook her head in resignation at the tone of the group's conversation.

 

Kara continued happily.

 

“Hi I’m Kara. And I’m all the Bi’s. Bipolar. Bisexual and a bicycle.”

 

Lena couldn’t help herself.

 

“A bicycle?”

 

“Yeah, you wanna ride?”

 

Lena couldn’t help but feel a little intrigued by Kara’s boldness.

 

“That’s it! I give up, groups done for the day. You lot deserve each other.” Maggie said putting her head in her hands.

 

“Oh come on Miss!” Mike mock whined, “don’t be like that!”

 

Maggie gave him an exasperated look before shooing him out the door.

 

The boys had already left the room when Kara asked Maggie a question.

 

“Hey Sawyer, you forgot to assign Lena her guide.”

 

Sam’s face blanched and quickly took off out of the room.

 

“Well I suppose that just leaves me,” Kara said happily bouncing towards Lena.

 

“So, buddy. What do you wanna see first?”   


	2. Sanity Is A Cozy Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the second chapter is officially up. Hope you all enjoy. Love feedback, so feel free to comment below!

The dark haired woman certainly was beautiful. Kara had been mesmerized the second she had walked into the Crazy Cuckoo group session. The way the woman’s eye had arched when she heard Arias’ testing comment had been the perfect response to the sociopath’s sharp remark. Kara didn’t usually agree with Mike, but he was definitely right about Sam. That one had pushed Kara’s buttons so perfectly during her tenure at Krypton, that sometimes she wondered if Sam could read minds. But Kara had the feeling that Lena wouldn’t have to resort to pranks to keep the brown-haired woman in line and out of her head.

Good. About time someone came along strong enough to deflate grumpy cow. Of course, she could be completely wrong about Lena, but Kara liked to think she was a good judge of character. She was a bit dubious when she heard about the new resident that was coming in so soon after Lucy, but she had the feeling that Lena was going to fit right in after the allotted adjustment period.

Plus, it helped that she was crazy hot. Like wow.

She had that sad-eyed look though. The blonde pegged her as a depressive for sure. And the long-sleeved thing? Sure it was winter, but the woman kept tugging at the end of them like she was trying to fold in on herself.

Kara would bet her glasses that the dark haired woman was here after a suicide attempt.

Still, the round of betting had already started last night after they heard that the newbie had arrived. Mike and Sam had bet on a forced admittance, that's how the most of them were here after all, including Kara. Clark, of course, had simply stated that the woman was here by choice. But then again, he always assumed everyone wanted to be here. Kara, much to Mike’s shock, also pegged Lena as a self-admitted.

Observing her rather intently, she had the feeling she was right. Lena seemed like a tough cookie, even if she was a little deflated. She definitely didn’t strike her as the type of person who would be here if she didn’t want to be. Even if someone tried to drag her here with wild horses.

Ok… so she _may_ have tried to wheedle the info about Lena out of Winn after the dressing down Maggie had given her about the lake incident.

“ _So_ … I think I caught a glimpse of the newbie when I was marched back into the asylum. Long dark hair? Pretty smile? Spill short stack. Whats the four one one.”

Winn chuckled at Kara’s serious gaze.

“Now now Kara. You lot wouldn’t be starting up that betting ring again would you?”

“Why Winn,” Kara said placing a hand on her chest dramatically, “You wound me! I’m simply asking to fulfill my journalistic curiosity.”

“Sure sure Kara, whatever you say. Regardless of the reason, you know I can’t tell you….no matter how many times you ask.”

Kara had formed a friendly banter with the nurses that worked on the ward. She’d been here so long, she knew the names of Winn’s girlfriend and Jess’ cats.

“Come on Winn…. I haven’t been allowed to use my TV since I’ve been here! I don’t have access to the internet… you’re my google! I need you to tell me about the outside world.”

Winn shot her an exasperated look.

“You haven’t been allowed to watch TV because you threw your phone and broke the screen your first day here.”

Kara scoffed.

“You can pull all the faces you like Kara, I’m not telling you anything.”

Kara still pushed her luck by shooting Winn her puppy dog pout.

“C _ome on_ _Winn_ …. Give me something!”

Winn wavered under her pleading expression before caving.

“Alright, alright!” He said throwing his hands up, “I’ll give you something.”

The ex-reporter leaned forward in anticipation.

“Her name’s Lena. She’s very polite and she looks like she could use a friend.”

Kara hummed with thought.

“A friend huh?”

“Yes,” Winn responded dryly, “So maybe go easy with your antics… and try to keep her away from Sam. I have a feeling that won’t end well.”

“When does meeting Sam end well for anyone,” Kara responded dryly. “And there’s no point in me easing up. She’s gonna have to get used to the reality of this place sooner or later.”

“Ok Kara, just keep an eye on her ok?”

“No worries Schott, you got it.”

————

Kara couldn’t help herself though, she had to see what Lena’s limits were.

She thought Lena might’ve blanched at her bicycle comment. Even if it wasn’t original, she’d learned if, from Lucy, she thought she might get a rise of colour in the green-eyed lady’s face. But instead, she just got an intense look, with a hint of what she could have sworn was lust.

Hmmm… Interesting…

She was ecstatic when Maggie forgot about the buddy system tour, it made her easy to be the only candidate.

“Well I suppose that just leaves me,” She said quiet happy with the turn of events.

“So buddy.” She continued with a bounce “What do you wanna see first?”

To Lena’s credit, she only paused for a few seconds before replying with a soft voice.

“Well… I’d like to see the library.”

“The library it is!” Kara proclaimed excitedly, offering her arm for Lena to loop hers through. Something the lady pointedly ignored.

Kara walked through the door unfazed by the rejection while the other woman trailed after her.

“Well, I suppose I should start by saying… Welcome to Kypton! A top notch mental health facility or, as Clark would like you to believe, an alien planet.”

Kara wasn’t stupid, she saw how Lena had reacted when the gentle man had told her he was schizophrenic. The stiff shoulders, the pursed lips…. maybe she had internalised mental health awareness a phobia. Was that a thing? If not, it should be.

“If you don’t mind me asking…” The raven-haired lady said, “What's his story? I mean…. he thinks your Supergirl?”

“Oh yeah.” Kara said with a laugh “He thinks he’s Superman and we’re related. Somehow I’m his older cousin even though he’s physically older than me. Something to do with my pod being knocked off course…. At the moment he thinks I’m… coming into my powers? Something like that. I don’t totally understand it, because apparently ‘Krypton’ blew up, but he acknowledges that we’re here… it's a bit strange, but he’s an awesome guy and he gives great advice. Even if he sometimes drifts off topic….Never met a sweeter man though, and I’ve known Winn for a year!”

Lena nodded along with Kara’s explanation, but to her eye, she still seemed a little unsettled.

She felt a pang of sympathy for the pale woman.

“Hey,” she began gently. “He really is a nice guy. He would die before he hurt anyone else. Even when he’s ‘Superman’ his ideas are about protecting people. He’s self-committed you know… He wouldn’t stay if he didn’t want to get better, even he isn’t that insane.”

Lena hummed in reply as Kara led them down the corridor towards the library.

The mood between them was a bit dour for Kara’s liking, so she decided to up the flirting anti.

“Though… If I was Clark and I saw you here… I’d be insane to leave.” She said wiggling her eyebrows ridiculously.

Lena let out a snort and Kara grinned. It was always a compliment when you could get a pretty girl to laugh… or snort she guessed?

“Well aren’t you quite the charmer,” Lena said shooting Kara a sultry look.

For the first time in their interactions, Kare was the one thrown off balance. She couldn’t help but blush under Lena’s heated gaze.

Lena’s smirk grew wider and Kara ducked her head.

“Anyway,” She coughed out, “This is the library.” She finished gesturing around.

Lena seemed keen to retain the upper hand, “Yes… The books on shelves clued me in.”

It was Kara’s turn to raise an eyebrow, she refused to be outdone. This was her home turf after all.

“Well, it’s good to know your eyes work, even if your sense of humour is lacking.”

“Darling, I can assure you my sense of humour is impeccable. Though admittedly, it might be a little highbrow for your taste.”

“Darling?” Kara questioned with a wink.

It was Lena’s turn to blush and she seemed to withdraw into herself. Kara wondered what she had said to cause the other woman’s reaction. They seemed to be getting along ok, Lena had returned her flirting with equal enthusiasm.

To break the pause, Kara told Lena she could look around for any books she might want to read. The library was a decent size, about a hundred books to share between the five of them. Still, Kara had been here long enough to have read most of them. Lena floated around the selves perusing the titles on various novels. She stopped briefly before withdrawing a dog-eared book.

“Do I have to write down what I’ve taken out?”

“No. Pretty sure if you start to hoard books someone would notice,” Kara said before turning to look at the title of the book Lena had chosen.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it isn't real? Words to live by in this place” She stated happily.

Lena blinked owlishly at her, clutching the Deathly Hallows book close to her chest before allowing herself a small smile.

“You know Harry Potter?”

“Well duh. Who doesn’t know Harry Potter? Though to be fair, I’m like next level obsessed. I made my sister drive me a few years ago to LA so I could visit Harry Potter World. I got my wand and everything! I’m a Hufflepuff, loyalty, perseverance and all that. What house were you sorted into?”

Lena’s face lit up during Kara’s ramble, but she hesitated to reply.

“I’m a Slytherin.”

“Ambitious huh? I like it.”

Lena’s face cracked into a genuine smile and Kara waved her out of the library.

The Harry Potter talk continued as they walked down the hallways, Kara pointing out all the different rooms in between.

“….And then I drank like five Butterbeers and threw up in the car!” Kara said gesturing wildly.

Lena laughed at her behaviour.

“So basically it was the most awesome experience ever. Have you ever been?”

“No,” Lena said shaking her head I wanted to go when I was in town last year, but my ex said she would rather light her hair on fire.”

Kara nearly choked. “Well gee, no wonder you dumped their butt. I don’t think I could be with someone who didn’t have an opinion on whether Snape was misunderstood or just a prick.”

“He was a prick.” Lena said, “Actually though, Veronica was the one to leave me.”

“Gosh. Anti Harry Potter and an idiot, hopefully, your next partner has more taste.” Kara finished, unwilling to let the conversation linger on Lena’s ex, it seemed to be a sore spot.

“Ha! I don’t think I’m really in the market for a girlfriend right now… not sure I could handle it.” Lena finished dryly

“Well, I suppose the number one priority right now should be yourself. But! You never know…. she could be right in front of you.”

She fixed Lena with a piercing stare and was rewarded with a lip bite that sent all of her blood to her face.

The raven-haired woman shook her head, breaking the sexual tension in the air.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

Kara was surprised, “What do you mean?”

“This” Lena said waving her hand up and down Kara’s body, “The flirting and the Crazy Eyes!”

“Crazy Eyes?”

“YES! Why are you being like this with me.”

“Oh,” Kara had the decency to look slightly ashamed, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“No… it’s not that I… well a little bit. It’s just, I can’t peg your intentions.” Lena answered stuntedly.

“Well, I just thought… I mean…. Look I’m sorry… I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth at the best of times and sometimes I can be a bit intense. Being here has helped a lot with it, but sometimes I just get… distracted.” She finished lamely.

Both women stood there shuffling their feet before the sound of slow clapping was heard from behind them.

“Well, well. Looks like the puppy has found someone else to follow around. Lucy’s barely out the door and you’re already aiming for the new kid on the block. Good to see you have a fast rebound speed Kara, but if I were you, I’d let my sheets cool first” Sam finished before shooting Lena a nasty look.

Kara was about to reply angrily, but Lena beat her to it.

“What’s the matter Arias? Angry she doesn’t want in _your_ pants?”

For the first time since her arrival at Krypton, Kara saw Sam shocked.

Well…if she didn’t like Lena before, seeing her knock Sam down a few pegs without restoring to physical violence certainly did the job.

“I’d watch yourself around this one Kara. She seems a bit more ‘long term’ than your usual hookups in here.” Sam replied recovering before turning and walking back down the hallway.

“Listen, Lena” Kara started quickly, “There was never anything going on between me and Lucy-“

“Kara’ Lena interrupted, “It’s really none of my business,” she finished with a strained smile.

The whiplash of emotions was pretty intense, even by Kara’s standards. She didn’t fully understand why there was such an extreme intensity between them. They’d only officially known each other for half an hour after all, and yet she found herself rather invested in Lena’s opinion of her.

“Well…. I just want you to know, that since I’ve been here, I realised that I was lying to myself and other people about my thoughts, feelings, and behaviour. The outcome of that was ending up in this place. So I’ve made it a point, to be honest with everybody.” She said it with earnest and Lena’s eyes softened and her posture relaxed.

She reached out and placed her hand on Kara’s shoulder and her fingers felt like fire.

“Well thank you for being honest, but it _really_ isn’t my place to comment”

Kara smiled and they continued walking in silence.

She led the woman out the door down to the grounds and headed towards the lake.

“So this is where we sometimes do group activities.”

“Yes… I saw the yoga yesterday.” Lena said with a grin.

“Did you happen to catch the waterworks at the end? I thought that move was particularly inspired.”

“From our, thankfully, brief encounter there is no doubt in my mind that she deserved it”

Kara let out a laugh at Lena’s dry tone.

“I have to admit, Sam seems to have taken a particular dislike in you. It’s probably because in the entire time she’s been here your the only one I’ve seen whose ever gotten under her skin.”

“Trust me.” Lena said “In my line of work there were plenty of people like her. You learn to deal with it.”

“What is it that you do?” Kara asked curiously.

Lena cleared her throat before answering.

“I was in business. Family company.”

“Oh… well, that explains why you’re so badass!”

“You think I’m a badass?” Lena questioned, eyebrow cocked.

“Oh yeah… you stood your ground with Sam. And I’m guessing you self-committed, which is pretty badass too.”

The businesswoman stopped walking and grabbed Kara’s arm.

“Who told you that?” She asked in a sharp tone.

Kara recoiled at the steel in Lena’s eyes.

“Nobody,” she said, “It’s just that people only come here one of two ways. And you don’t seem like the type of person to let decisions be made for you.”

Lena’s grip softened and she broke her stare.

“Why would you think self-committing is badass,” she said in a small voice.

“Because it means you had the balls to recognise you needed help and then you did something about it. That's pretty epic.”

Lena released another, what Kara was beginning to think of, special smile.

“I guess you're self-committed then. You’re pretty badass.”

Kara grinned wildly before replying.

“Nope,” She said popping the ‘p’. “I’m here by court order. Plea bargain deal.”

“Your kidding right? What did you do? Oh shit… I’m sorry, that was rude.” Lena said looking affronted by her own words.

“Nah it’s all good. I jumped the fence of National City Zoo to free the budgerigars. Got halfway through before I was distracted by the penguin exhibit. They found me eating anchovies with Flippo the fairy penguin the next morning.”

Lena stared at her.

“Ok, that time, you _were_ kidding right?”

Kara laughed.

“Maybe I’ll tell you one day. If you’re really good.” She finished with a wink.

Lena let out an exasperated sigh.

“Ok Crazy Eyes.

Kara walked Lena around the rest of the grounds. Talked her through how they were expected to maintain the flowers beds and the group activities they would conduct on the lawns.

“Yeah so as you saw, sometimes we do yoga. I was all for karate but apparently, that encourages ‘violence.’ Completely ridiculous I know… but considering Sam being, well Sam. I kinda get it.”

“And this is where we store the kayaks. Sometimes we go out on the lake… I haven’t been allowed ever since I tried to hit Mike over the head with an oar.”

“Why….? You know what, I don’t want to know.”

“Trust me,” Kara said with an eye roll “Talk to him for five minutes alone and you’ll be itching for an oar of your own.”

“He can’t be that bad surely?”

Kara stared at her with both eyebrows raised. “He has his moments I guess. When he’s not trying to talk about himself.”

“Again, I’ve seen them all in my line of work.”

“Oh really…. Well, have you met any bipolarly awesome people in your line of work?”

Lena gave Kara a small smile, “Not that I’m aware of no. I confess I don’t really know a lot about it”

Kara smiled back at Lena and crossed her eyes, making the shorter woman laugh.

“Well, you never know. A lot of people of people with Bipolar are undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. I was treated for depression for a while, but the antidepressants made me feel terrible so I just stopped taking them. I didn’t investigate further. And guess for other people it was just the way I was. All the ups were just me being me. And it just got more and more serious until… well, the budgerigar incident.”

Kara led them back through the doors and into the facility.

“Soooo……” Kara began.

Lena laughed suddenly.

“What?” Kara asked with indignation.

“Did anyone ever tell you that you have a bad case of run-on sentence?” She said, a smile growing larger at the pout on Kara’s face.

“Don’t worry, it’s cute. I guess I’m just more used to silence these days and I’ve never really been used to sincerity. It’s weird being here… everyone seems so genuine. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Lena finished with a tired smile and a return of the sad eyes.

  
“Welph…” Kara said, “That's the plus about being here. We're all crazy, but at least we’re honest about it. “Real world” people, they’re all trying to pretend to be normal. All that fake it till you make it crap.”

Kara looked around at the white walls raised her arms and did a twirl.

“But sooner or later, you learn that normal doesn’t exist. Well.. at least all the cool people realise.”

They continued strolling, until they made it to the corridor where the members of the group slept. And Kara pointed out the various doors and who their occupants were.

“So, this on at the end of the hall is Clark’s room. Then we’ve got Sam’s, then Mike’s. And I’m next to you.”

Kara suddenly whirled, startling Lena. She fixed the other woman with a hard stare.

“Please tell me you don’t have night terrors.”

Lena blinked at Kara’s serious expression.

“Errrrr…no?”

Kara’s face changed from stern to happy.

“Oh thank god. I mean obviously I’m glad you don’t have night terrors for you, you know? But your in Lucy’s old room, and she used to have night terrors and I could here it through the wall and the thing is, is that sleep is really important to me so when it gets broken up I get really grumpy the next day-“

“Kara” Lena said “breathe.”

She blushed at Lena’s teasing tone.

“Well… yeah ok then. So I’ll let you go back to your room… and I guess I’ll see you for dinner?” She asked the other woman with a pleading look in her eyes.

“Of course,” Lena said with another gentle smile.

“Great!” Kara said as she bounced back to her room. When she was at the door she turned and called out before Lena closed the door to her own bedroom.

“Oh and Lena. Total respect, I heard you and I’ll try to tone it down,” Kara said with earnest.

“Kara?”

“Hmm?” She said turning back.

“Don’t tone it down too much.” Lena said with a smirk before closing her door.

Kara didn’t realise she was grinning wildly before she was leaning back on the inside of her bedroom door.

“Woah.”

* * *

 

Kara spent the next few hours erratically. She floated between scribbling in her journal, pacing and lying on the bed listening to her music. She couldn’t control her thoughts. She couldn’t quite pin it, but the Lena seemed to have the perfect combination of qualities to set her neutrons firing. She was certainly one of the more mysterious women Kara had ever met. And she was up with Kara’s ex boss when it came to interesting. She said so much, without saying anything at all. The woman had revealed very little information about herself, but she spoke a great deal through her body language. And her eyes… my God. Kara could fall into those eyes.

Shit, she just realised Lena had never actually answered her question about the self admittance . And wow, did she have a reaction to that. Kara had never actually met a patient in here who was ashamed of being here. Most of the sign themselves in people were ok with being here, well at least accepting. The rest were deniers who didn’t think they belonged here at all. Sam fell firmly into that category, and Mike was the same his first month. But Lena seemed outright hostile at the thought of people knowing that she was in here at all, let alone as someone who signed herself in.

Kara wondered if it was a family thing? She knew Mike came from a high profile family, they owned a large stockbroking company Daxam and Daxam and from what Mike had talked about he was the disappointment of family. Maybe Lena’s story was similar? Though she didn’t strike her as someone who was an underachiever. And she said she had worked in the company, unlike Mike who ran away from all responsibility.

But all of that didn’t matter compared to all the moments they were having together, at least Kara thinks they were moments. It seemed a bit hot and cold. Now that Kara had some time to over analyse, she thought maybe she had once again jumped the gun like she usually did with these things. If she were in Lena’s position the last thing she would want on her first official day here would be someone flirting shamelessly with her.

Well, if that person was Lena she’d probably be down with it. Still, Lena seemed to be kind of ok with it? Kara figured she probably needed to calm it down so she could get more informed information. But then again Lena had told her not to tone it down too much. What did that mean?

_Kara…._ the little voice in her head that sounded suspiciously like Alex

_Relax and calm the fuck down_.

It’s just that dinner with Lena was going to be _dinner with Lena._

She was getting first date jitters.

If first dates were chaperoned by a sex fiend, a spaced-out Kansas kid and an always pissed off woman.

On the plus side, Kara was pretty sure James said tonight they would be having apple pie.

* * *

 

After Kara had a shower, she headed down to the mess hall at fifteen to six.

“Ahh, the puppy really is keen about this one.”

Kara’s good mood deflated at the sight of Arias smirking at her with her arms folded while sitting at the dinner table.

Kara let out a sigh.

“Give it a rest Sam.”

“Why? And miss out on your incredibly smooth moods. I think not, I enjoy a good train wreck as much as the next person in this hellhole. We are all starved of entertainment.” The brunette said with a pained grimace.

Kara was about to bite out a retort when Clark wandered in.

“Hello!”

“Hi Clark” They replied in unison.

The man sat down at the table and began scratching at the edge of it.

“So, Superman,” Sam began, “What do you think of our newest resident?”

“Sam,” Kara began warningly.

A few months ago, Clark had a paranoid episode where he believed that Sam was a rogue Kryptonian ‘worldkiller’ whose mission was to cleanse the world. Apparently, it was Kara’s job to defeat her. It took Jonn a long time to convince Clark that this wasn’t the case, but sometimes he reverted when Sam tried to convince him that his delusion was correct. According to one particularly loud argument between the two women, Sam revealed she liked the anti-hero name Clark had given her, Reign.

“She’s a tired soul.” Clark said, causing Kara to look at him in surprise.

“Admirable, to try and escape her family name.”

Kara frowned. “What makes you say that?”

Clark was about to reply when he was cut off by Mike’s entrance.

“Good evening fellow treatment receivers!”

Sam rolled her eyes.

“I see you still believe you’re witty Daxam.”

“Oh shut the fuck up Arias”

“Tsk tsk, remember Michael. No swearing.”

Mike was about to reply, his face turning red when he was cut off by a melodious voice.

“I hope I’m not interrupting.”

“Lena!” Kara said, standing up so fast her chair fell over making Mike and Clark laugh and Sam raise an eyebrow while Kara blushed.

“Good evening everyone,” Lena said to the group hiding a grin.

“Evening newbie!” Mike said perking up.

“Hi Lena, you can sit next to me if you’d like,” Clark said while waving.

The brunette's eyes flickered to Kara, before giving Clark a tentative smile.

“Sure thing.” She said pulling out the chair next to the black haired man.

“Well isn’t this nice.” Sam said in a sickly sweet tone.

Lena rolled her eyes before turning to Kara.

“Does she ever get sick of the sound of her own voice?”

“Not really, no” Kara said while the boys sniggered and Sam shot the green-eyed woman another poisonous look.

“Chow time!” James interrupted walking into the room with his food cart.

“Oh thank god,” Kara said clutching her stomach, “I was ready to die of starvation.”

James let out an easy laugh and started handing out plates

“The whole lot of you are like wolves! Horsing down everything as if it’s your last meal.”

“In Daxam’s case, you never know,” Sam muttered into her bread roll.

“Hey Reign, anyone knocks your ass in the lake today?” Mike retorted.

“Hey, it’s Lena’s first dinner with us. Do you think we could maybe _try_ to behave?” Kara said.

“Afraid we’ll tell all your secrets to her Danvers?” Mike teased, ducking when Kara threw her cauliflower at him.

“Seriously guys?” James said shaking his head at them, “Kara, I’ll make you sweep the floors like last time, don’t test me.” he warned.

“That food fight was totally worth it though.” Mike said throwing Kara a wink, “That tomato really suited Sam’s face.”

They all laughed, excluding Arias who flipped Mike off.

James put the final tray down in front of Lena.

“So how was your first official day Lena? Kara show you the ropes ok?” The man asked.

Lena gave Kara her small smile. “She was definitely the most interesting guide I’ve ever had. I had a lot of fun.”

Kara blushed at her words.

“The question is if you actually know where anything is, Kara has a tendency to get sidetracked when she gets excited. And pretty much any occasion is enough to get her excited.” Mike drawled.

“No. It was very informative.” Lena said still looking at Kara.

“You know newbie, you should probably know that fraternizing with the other patients is forbidden. I'm sure Kara…forgot…to mention that” Sam said slyly.

“Sam…” James said in a low tone, “Remember what was discussed with Jonn in your last _conversation_?”

Sam quieted down immediately and began poking at her vegetables in a sullen silence.

The rest of the group awkwardly began their own dinners, before James left and Clark turned back to Lena.

“I’m really glad you’re here Lena. Kara could use a friend, she’s been lonely since Lucy left.”

“Clark…” Kara said in an exasperated voice, but Lena cut in giving Clark a genuine smile.

“I’m glad I’m here too. I could use a friend as well.”

“I’ve gotta say,” Mike began muffled by the food in his mouth, “You got some big shoes to fill there newbie. Lucy was epic, pity we’re never gonna see her again.”

“Lena doesn’t need to fill anyone’s shoes Mike, and Lucy will be back to visit.”

“Sure,” He said rolling his eyes.

“Face it puppy.” Sam said speaking up again, “Lucy’s a first season character. Awesome, but once season two rolls around, written off and never heard from again.”

“We literally talked last night on the phone guys. She’s coming with her sister when Lois visits Clark next.”

“Bet ya mopping duty for a week she doesn’t front up,” Mike said extending his hand across the table.

Kara took it within her own and gave it a firm shake.

“Easiest bet I’ll ever win.” She said with a confident grin.

Lucy was her best friend, and she definitely wasn’t a flake. If she said she would turn up she would. Still, the other’s words ate on her. When she finally got out, would she ever want to come back voluntarily?

Lena seemed to sense Kara’s unease because she placed her hand on the top of hers.

“If I were Lucy, I’d come back to visit you”

_I’d come back to visit you too._

“Ughhh… flirt on your own time.” Sam said miming vomiting into her dinner.

“Please don’t,” Mike said winking lasciviously at them, “I love watching… and participating.”

“You try to participate with me Daxam, and you’re ending up with a broken nose,” Lena said dryly while Kara glared.

“I’m not opposed to a little pain,” he said with a chuckle and Lena rolled her eyes.

“Well, I’m sure you’re used to it.”

Kara laughed and the group finished their dinners.

“So who's up for a game of Uno?” Kara said when James came back to clear.

Mike groaned and lent his head against the table.

“Not Uno again Kara! Anything else, anything.” He moaned.

“What’s wrong with Uno?” She asked indignantly.

“Apart from the fact that you hoard all the draw fours and never use them, it’s a stupid game.” Sam drawled leaning back in her chair.

“Why don’t we let Lena pick?” Clark said cordially.

“Good idea Clark,” Kara said stealing a glare at Mike and Sam, “What would you like to play?”

Lena looked around the table before smiling and saying, “Do we have Monopoly?”

“Monopoly it is!”

——————

Lena cleaned them all out.

To be fair, Clark didn’t really try. He hardly ever bought properties and if someone did land on the ones he owned, he tried not to charge them rent. He became bankrupt very fast. Kara wasn’t much better, she never really had a head for numbers, and always bought the worst properties. Mike did surprisingly well but ended up dropping out as well when Sam took the last of his cash. The final showdown was between Sam and Lena. It must have been the most intense game Kara had ever witnessed, and she had played with her sister’s FBI friends. In the end, Lena appeared to have a higher grasp of real estate and ended the game by making Sam pay a ridiculous amount of rent on Lena’s Gotham property.

“And that children, is how you play Monopoly.” She said triumphantly as Sam stalked off back to her room.

“You were amazing Lena! Where did you learn to buy and sell like that?” Kara asked.

Lena smirked before saying, “You pick it up in my line of work.”

Kara shook her head in amusement.

“In your line of work… I should have known!”

“Well I promised Clark a game of go fish this morning. Lena, Kara you in?” Mike asked.

Lena stood up stretching.

“Not for me guys, it was a long day. I’m going to go to bed.”

“I’ll walk you back!” Kara said eagerly, while the men exchanged looks.

Once they were in front of Lena’s door the brunette woman pulled a surprised Kara into a quick hug.

“I just wanted to say thank you, Kara. This was the nicest day I’ve had in a long time. Funny that I had to come in here to experience that.”

Kara stared at the other woman. She really was beautiful. She didn't want to push it, but she still shakily lifted her hand to trace her fingers lightly across Lena's cheek and whispered.

"I think you are worth nothing but good days Lena."

Kara turned and rushed back to her room and quickly shut the door blushing madly.

Did she really just say that?

And was she imagining Lena's gasp?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed Kara's POV. Her chapters will obviously read very differently than Lena's, but I hope you guys get something unique from both of them :)


	3. We're All Mad Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I wrote up this chapter as fast as I could. Like Kara, I am also bipolar so gotta harness the mania for creativity when you can! Hope you guys enjoy and leave comments and thoughts below. They are very much appreciated :)

Lena closed the door behind her with a small click, before walking forwards and sitting down on her bed and releasing a sigh as the tension began to ease from her shoulders.

 

That was intense.

 

What she had said to Kara had been true, this was definitely the nicest day she had had in a long time. But it was easily the most pressure-ridden as well. Kara was….full on to say the least. It was like she was hopped up on energy drinks, the way she bounced around and the endless conversation… It was endearing and undeniably cute.

 

But the way she looked at her and the intensity of her gaze...

 

Lena was fascinated and terrified. No one had looked like that at her since… well, no one had ever looked at her like that. Veronica was exciting and adventurous, Lena fell in love with her need to roam and take risks, and at the end of the day, she was as cutthroat in business and life as she was. But even with her flair for risks and their shared wild side, in the entire time they had been together she had never stared at her with the intensity Kara had within one day of knowing her.

 

But she had to check herself, this was a hospital not a dating site and Kara was a patient like her. She was here with her own host of problems, just like Lena. She certainly seemed to be hyper, and that was probably related to her bipolar. At least Lena thought it might be, as she said to Kara she didn’t really know much about it. Maybe she could ask Jonn? Or whoever her psychologist was going to be….

 

But this was ridiculous! She was here for one reason only, to get herself better and return to her life somewhat functional. Not to do analytical research on fellow patients. Although she had to admit, for the first time in a long time she was relaxing around people and just being herself, even though she didn’t entirely know who that was anymore. All she did know was she couldn’t remember smiling as much as she had today, since before Lex had died.

 

She needed to restrain herself and focus on the goal here.

 

_My God Lena. Do you have to be so dramatic?_

 

Lena shivered and wrapped her arms around herself shaking off the ghosts.

 

She stood up and walked towards the window, the light from Kara’s room spilled out onto the lawn and Lena could see the blonde’s shadow darting about before it suddenly paused.

 

Lena jumped when she heard a knock on the shared wall between them.

 

“Hey, Lena? You up?” Kara’s muffled voice sounded from the other side.

 

Lena walked towards the wall, gently rested her hand against it. She shouldn’t reply, she should just go to sleep. The last thing she needed was to become emotionally invested in someone else when she should be focusing on herself.

 

But Kara was probably the most interesting person she had ever met… and Lena really wanted a friend.

 

“Yeah..” She replied, “I’m here.”

 

Kara tapped her fingers on the wall furiously.

 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that before. I mean, of course, I meant it. Of course you’re only worth good days, never bad ones. But I shouldn’t have said it, but then you asked me not to tone it down too much, and I guess… I got a bit confused. Just to be clear, was it ok that I said that? I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

 

She had though, hadn’t she? Lena reacted to Kara’s blatant flirting with more of her own. Every time she replied with a sultry remark, she could have kicked herself. But she couldn’t help herself from doing it again.

And again.

 

“You didn’t Kara. It was….”

 

_Perfect. Just like your smile._

 

“It was fine.”

 

“Oh…” Kara’s voice sounded deflated before she hesitantly asked, “Is it ok if I said it again? Well not that specifically, but you know, another compliment. Or comment? Because it was more of a comment than a compliment-“

 

“Kara,” she laughed out. “It was fine.”

 

Another pause.

 

“….Just fine?”

 

Lena sighed and leaned her head against the wall.

 

“It was beautiful Kara.”

 

Lena swore she could feel the blonde’s smile vibrating through the wall.

 

“Ok cool! I’ll just um… let you get to sleep. Night!” She said.

 

Lena could hear the sound of shuffling and then the light in Kara’s room was turned off.

 

The ex- CEO kept her head against the wall for a few more minutes breathing in and out deeply.

 

What the hell was she getting herself into here?

 

She just couldn’t resist, could she?

 

The woman wasn’t even her usual type personality wise. Bubbly and talkative didn’t usually fall on her list of qualities she was interested in. The last few major relationships in her life were all with power women, strong and biting. If she had met Sam a few years ago at a club, Lena had no doubt that she would have taken her home. But in here, the bitchy looks Sam threw her way did nothing for her. She only found herself annoyed at the woman for interrupting her conversation with Kara.

 

She couldn’t help but like the ridiculous woman with her silly stories. Seriously, budgerigars? But, it wasn’t like Lena could fault her for not telling her the reason she was in here. After all, Lena definitely didn’t feel like sharing her reasons and if Kara hadn’t pressed her for information, at least not yet. Still, she couldn’t help but wonder how a girl like Kara had managed to get court ordered to be here? Appearances could be deceiving evidently.

 

All the more reason for Lena to keep her distance.

 

Which she was going to fail at totally.

 

Lena’s second night of sleep in the ward was just as fitful as the first.

 

* * *

She was woken the next day by heavy pounding on her door.

 

“Lena? You up?” A cheerful voice sounded.

 

The brunette woman groaned into her pillow. Why was everyone in this fucking place so insistent on getting up early?

 

“What!” She bit out.

 

“Oh! Sorry… I just thought you might want to come down to breakfast with me?”

 

Before Lena’s addled brain could process the question and reply another voice sounded out.

 

“Kara. You can’t go around banging other people’s doors down in the morning!”

 

Lena jumped out of bed and opened the door to see a sheepish looking Kara and a grumpy Winn.

 

“It’s ok Winn,” Lena said gruffly her voice heavy with sleep while trying to push her hair out of her eyes.

 

“I asked Kara for a wake-up call.” She said with a smile directed at the disbelieving man who raised his eyebrows.

 

“Ok… sure. Well, next time you decide to wake Lena up Kara, could it be possible to do it quietly? Especially if it is at five thirty in the morning.”

 

It was Lena’s turn for her eyebrows to rise into her hairline. Five thirty? She didn’t get up for anything at five thirty. Emergencies  were scheduled later if they came at five thirty in the morning.

 

“Yes,” she said dryly shooting Kara an exasperated look, “She’ll be sure to do that. Preferably at a time when breakfast is actually being served.”

 

Kara had the good sense to look embarrassed and stared intently at a spot at the wall above Winn’s left ear. She really had a rubbish poker face.

 

Winn gave a muttered grumble before wandering back down the hall. Lena turned back to Kara and placed her finger over Kara’s mouth before she could begin to talk.

 

“Don’t say another word. I hate mornings. I wouldn’t get up before midday if I could help it. I’m going back to bed. Night.” She said before turning back around and closing the door in Kara’s face and flopping back onto the bed. She didn’t even have a chance to close her eyes before the knocking began again.

 

“I’m really sorry I woke you up.. do you still want to get breakfast later?”

 

Lena groaned into her pillow again.

 

“If I say yes, will you go away?”

 

Silence ensued before a quiet, “Yes.” Sounded out.

 

“Yes then. But later, much later.”

 

* * *

Lena struggled to get back to sleep, and when Nurse Vasquez knocked on her door at eight to inform her food was being served in half an hour, she was already ready. She walked into the hall with her eyes half closed and was startled awake again by Kara’s cheery voice.

 

“Lena! Come sit next to me!”

 

The blonde was practically bouncing up and down in her chair and Lena surveyed the rest of the table’s occupants. Sam and Mike returned Lena’s blurry gaze, but Clark looked just as happy as Kara and sent her a small wave and wished her a good morning. She sat down in the offered seat and pulled the tray of food towards her.

 

“Can we start now Danvers?” Mike said, and only then did she notice that nobody else had touched their plates.

 

“Pfffff… like you couldn’t start to eat before…” Kara scoffed a faint red tinge colouring her cheeks.

 

Sam raised an eyebrow.

 

“You’re lucky it’s early puppy.” She said before digging into her eggs.

 

Lena smirked at Kara’s attempt to hide her face behind a fork.

 

“It’s only polite to wait until everyone is at the table before we start eating.” The woman muttered while Lena stifled a giggle.

 

“Never stopped you from inhaling your breakfast before. You and Lucy used to time each other.” Mike said incredulously.

 

“Don’t live in the past, Mike!” She said before givingLena a strained smile, “Sorry again, for waking you up.”

 

“Why on earth would you want to get me up at five thirty anyway?”

 

The woman seemed to deflate into her chair. 

 

“I got excited.”

 

“What a surprise,” Sam said in a dry tone while rolling her eyes.

 

“It was fine,” Lena said 

 

_It really wasn’t_

 

“I just would’ve been more receptive to invitation later in the day, preferably to dinner.”

 

_Bloody hell, here I go again._

 

She locked gazes with Kara before the sounds of Mike wolf whistling sounded out over the table breaking the look.

 

“Now that was smooth. You mind if I borrow that?” He asked.

 

Kara choked on her eggs as Winn walked in through the door with another tray. 

 

“Oh, good you’re here Lena. Everyone takes their medication in the morning with breakfast, and I’ve got your first dosage here.”

 

Lena’s good mood rapidly disappeared, and she looked at the tray like it was about to bite her.

 

“Don’t worry,” Kara said as if sensing her trepidation. “We’re all mad here.”

 

Lena gave her a weak smile before replying.

 

“Welcome to Wonderland right?”

 

“Right,” Kara said with a grin.

 

Winn placed a little cup of pills in front of the blonde which she promptly swallowed with her juice and then opened her mouth for Winn’s inspection.

 

Lena followed Kara’s lead with her own medication and awkwardly opened her own mouth for inspection. 

 

Winn gave her a smile afterward and left the room after everyone else had taken their medications.

 

The rest of breakfast was eaten in silence before Maggie walked in.

 

“What are you lot getting up to now? It’s far too quiet in here” Maggie said entering the room with Winn, who began to clear the plates while the psychologist eyed them with suspicion in her gaze.

 

“Come on, Miss. You can’t still be upset about yesterday?” Mike said with a grin.

 

Maggie rolled her eyes at the bearded man. 

 

“While I had hoped you lot would have given Lena a better impression of the productivity of our group sessions, I hold no grudges.” The short woman said while Mike snorted behind her, something the woman pointedly ignored.

 

“I’m just here to remind you, Sam, that you’re ten minutes late to your appointment with Dr. Jones. You, Mike, are due for mopping duty this morning. Clark, I want you to finish cleaning your room before you head to the art room. Kara, I heard about this morning. Don’t do that again, I don’t need Winn whining in my ear for two hours about it ever again.”

 

“Hey!” The nurse said while the group laughed.

 

“And Lena, Jonn’s assigned me as your personal psychologist. First appointments at ten thirty today. I’m assuming Kara showed you where my office was during your tour yesterday unless she distracted you with a story.” She asked her with a question in her eyes.

 

“She showed me. I’ll be there at ten thirty.” Lena said quickly.

 

“Ok. Off you go then, people. Remember, group is at one today and then we have an outdoor activity afterward. And no,” Maggie said cutting off Mike, “It’s not yoga. I don’t think we will be doing anything near the lake…or the rosebushes… for a while,” She finished giving Kara a look.

 

Their chairs clattered against the floor as they stood up from the table. The others all walked out to go about their various tasks and Kara opened her mouth to talk to Lena before she was cut off by Maggie.

 

“Hey Kara? Can I have a word.”

 

The blonde gave her a hesitant look, before looking back at Lena.

 

“I’ll see you later Kara. At group?”

 

Kara looked slightly disappointed before smiling.

 

“Ok. See you at one!” She said with a grin, eyes sparkling.

 

Lena walked back to her room, determined to have a quick nap and get started reading her book before she had to meet Maggie for her appointment when she slammed into a solid figure.

 

“Woah there!” Clark said, steadying her shoulders and giving her a smile. 

 

Lena shrank away from his hands and instantly felt bad when she saw his face fall slightly.

 

“Oh.. Hi Clark, sorry for almost running you over,” she said awkwardly.

 

The tall man’s smile grew again.

 

“No that’s ok. I wanted to talk to you anyway, that’s why I was waiting. I just wanted to ask if you’d mind if I painted your portrait sometime? I’ve done Kara’s and Mike’s and some of the nurses and Jonn. Sam said no, but I thought maybe you’d like it.” He finished with a hopeful lift in his voice.

 

Lena really hesitated now. It was going to make her extremely uncomfortable, she still had her trepidations about the schizophrenic man. But he had been nothing but nice so far, and an image of Kara’s face flashed in her mind.

 

She released a small smile and replied.

 

“Sure thing Clark. That would be really nice of you.”

 

If it was possible, Clark’s face broke into an even wider grin. Lena could understand why he thought Kara was his cousin. When he grinned like that, they definitely looked alike. 

 

“Great! Well, we’ll organise a time later. Thank you so much.” He finished before walking back down the hall and entering his room.

 

Lena followed behind him and entered her own bedroom.

 

She’d been here two days, and she was already behaving like a different person. She’d never been the type to be friendly, but she was convinced she had exchanged more words in her time here, then she had since Veronica left. It was beginning to feel a bit overwhelming, and she started to feel the edge of panic eating on her mind. She started taking deep breathes, to slow her rapid heartbeat in a reaction to getting overly involved too fast. She used to be able to juggle three conference calls, an R and D project, a meeting with investors and a Skype session with their London offices before lunch. And now she couldn’t even manage one appointment at ten thirty, the possibility of posing for a painting and the affections of an incredibly cute bipolar woman. Though listing that out, it made her think she was doing ok for now. Still, as her heart rate returned to normal and her breathing evened she began to feel a hint of annoyance at the whole situation. How is it she managed to get herself slotted in so well in just a minute of being here?

 

She let out a sigh and collapsed on her bed, something that she was starting to think was now her signature move. She wasn’t looking forward to her appointment with Maggie. Honestly, she would have preferred to spend the day sleeping. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the other woman, she seemed nice enough and had a good head on her shoulders. But she was beginning to become exhausted from all the new experiences. Still, a part of her wished for Kara to knock on her door. Kara’s presence was also tiring, but in a way that left Lena with a pleasant feeling. But Kara never knocked, much to Lena’s disappointment. And it was nearly ten thirty when Lena left her room to head to her appointment in Maggie’s office.

 

She knocked on the door and walked in after the muffled ‘come in!’ sounded out.

 

“Hey Lena,” Maggie said while putting away a file and sitting on one of the multiple chairs in the room. 

 

“Sit, stand, whatever you like,” she said crossing her legs.

 

Lena floated around before choosing the chair directly opposite to the psychologist.

 

“So, you might be wondering why Jonn asked me to work with you personally. Don’t worry nothing said in here will translate to outside of this room except for Jonn. I also work with Mike, and I don’t bring that up in group, so no dramas. He thought that I would be best suited for you. Something about “no bullshit” and I can assure you, you will not get any from me. I’m as direct as a nuclear missile, so if you don’t like my raw honest opinion, speak now or forever hold your peace.” She finished with a dimpled smile that Lena returned.

 

“Just the way I like it.”

 

“Great! So let us get started. You’re probably sick of hearing this, but why did you decide to commit yourself?”

 

Lena let out a heavy sigh, she really was sick of hearing that.

 

“I needed to get my head on straight. I need to get my life back on track. I couldn’t do it by myself.”

 

“Why were you doing it by yourself? No friends, family?” Maggie continued.

 

“I only have my mother, and she wasn’t….offering her support. And I don’t have any friends, not anymore.”

 

“Why not?” 

 

“They all left, or I guess I neglected them. A series of things really. My brother’s death. I took over as CEO of the company. My anxiety came back strongly and my depression grew, I had to leave work. Then my fiancée left. And then I tried to commit suicide.”

 

“Wow. That was a great list of facts, in which you told me absolutely nothing real.”

 

Lena laughed. 

 

“Jesus. You weren’t kidding about being direct.”

 

It was Maggie’s turn to laugh.

 

“Yeah I know. Mike calls me the detective. Because that’s what I do, I detect. Now shoot.”

 

“Ok then detective. My friends, they left because I just stopped talking to them.”

 

“What? Did you avoid them?”

 

“No.”

 

“So they didn’t chase you up?”

 

“Well…no.”

 

“So, what was your private life like before you became CEO? Where did you make all these fabulous disappearing friends?”

 

Lena’s brow furrowed.

 

“They didn’t disappear!”

 

“Oh no? They coming to visit?”

 

“What? No! They don’t know I’m here.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I just told you, we don’t talk anymore.”

 

“You didn’t answer my question though, how did you all meet?”

 

“Well, most of them through Veronica.”  


 

“That’s your ex?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Ok. So what about friends that were your friends first.”

 

“Well, there was Sara and Nyssa. And Oliver.”

 

“And how did you meet them?”

 

“Well I met Nyssa and Oliver because their families run Al Ghul Tech and Queen Consolidated. Sara was Laurel’s sister, a girl Oly dated for a while. She came to a function once with her sister and she met Nyssa then boom!”

 

“So two rich kids and a tag along.”

 

“Hey! They weren’t like that.”

 

“What were they like then? Tell me.”

 

“They were… Well Nyssa and Oliver are both entitled I guess, but so was I.”

 

“You’re not anymore?”

 

“No. Not since Lex…”

 

“Coincidence then, that your friends drifted away after the event you say changed you. Didn’t they like that you’d changed? What were you like before that happened?”

 

“I was… I worked, but I partied. Travelled, drank. Went out with Ronnie. I was different. I was…spoilt and naive.”

 

“As opposed to who you are now… which is?”

 

“…. I don’t know anymore. I’ve lost everything that mattered to me.”

 

“I guess that leads back to your original answer then. You want to get your life back on track. You mean the life you had where you were entitled, carefree and a partier?”

 

“What? No!”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry which other life then were you leading?”

 

“Look, you don’t know me-“

 

“Lena, I’m only going off what you’ve told me.”

 

“No, you’re pushing for a response.”

 

“That’s my job Lena. Thats what the money your spending on this place is paying for.”

 

“Well I’m starting to wonder why I am paying it!”

 

“Well, you are self admitted. No one has classified you as dangerous. You can walk out that right now if you’d like. Not many other patients have that ability.”

 

“Now you’re trying to get me to leave!?”

 

“No Lena, I’m trying to get you to react.”

 

“I am reacting!”

 

“No, you’re denying.”

 

“Ok fine! I DON’T HAVE A LIFE OK? The one I did have… I don’t want to be the person I was before Lex died. But no way do I want to be the person I am now. I don’t know who I want to be. I have no friends. My mother isn’t speaking to me. I have no job. I tried to kill myself for christ’s sake. Is that what you wanted to hear? That I’m miserable, that I hate myself?”

 

Lena collapsed in her seat. She didn’t realise she had stood up. Tears were running down her face and she felt a headache coming on, but oddly, she felt good. Like a weight she’d had hanging around her neck had been dropped with every word she had shouted out.

 

Maggie nudged a box of tissues across the low table between them and Lena plucked a few from the box.

 

“Congratulations Lena. You just had a breakthrough. You were just honest with yourself and you answered my first question. It usually takes patients three times as long. I had you pegged as ab overachiever.” Maggie said with a smile.

 

Lena blew her nose noisily, social graces forgotten.

 

“Am I supposed to say thank you?”

 

The corner of Maggie’s mouth twitched at Lena’s dry tone.

 

“You don’t have to, though I won’t say no. I’ll settle for you getting better though. And the key to you getting better, Lena, is to stop lying to yourself. It’s ok not to know the answer. One of the reasons you came here, I’m guessing, is to find some.”

 

Lena stared at the other woman. Mike was right, she really was a detective.

 

“You’re right I think. I am looking for answers.. and to feel better. I want to be better.” She replied, her voice reigning confidence.

 

“Always the best goal to have, if you ask me.” Maggie said while standing.

 

“Well that reaches the end of our session. I got you down in for the day after tomorrow at the same time. Think you’re cool to do group today? That was a pretty intense session.” She asked Lena with concern in her voice. 

 

“No,” Lena said shaking her head, “I’ll be fine.”

 

“Ok then. Oh, before you go,” she said walking to the table and carrying back any exercise book.

 

“You all get a note book that you can write your thoughts, draw or whatever. I don’t read it, so do with it what you will.” She finished, handing Lena the book.

 

“Thank you,” Lena said holding it tightly before walking out the door, “I’ll see you at one.”

 

“See ya.”

 

Lena started heading back to her room when she stopped outside Kara’s door. She had a burning urge to talk to the other woman and she raised her hand to knock.

 

“She’s in the library.” Sam’s voice said behind her.

 

Lena turned and took in the other woman who looked exhausted and annoyed.

 

“Did you just get back from your session?” Lena said with mutual understanding of the other woman's exhaustion.

 

Arias’ eyes narrowed.

 

“Yeah. Which is why I don’t want to listen to you pounding on your fuck buddy’s door for the next five minutes. She’s is the fucking library,” she finished before entering her own room and slamming the door so hard, Lena felt the air hit her in the face.

 

So much for trying to be understanding.

 

She turned back and headed towards the library.

 

Sam hadn’t lied, Kara was in the room removing and replacing books on the shelves. 

 

“Hey Kara.” She said when she entered the room startling the blonde.

 

“Lena! Hi” She said with a subdued smile.

 

Kara seemed happy enough, but not nearly as excited as Lena was expecting her.

 

“Well, I just wanted to see if… well to see you I guess.” She said furrowing her brow.

 

“To see me? Why?” Kara said nervously.

 

Lena frowned at the blonde and her odd behaviour.

 

“Kara, are you ok?”

 

“I’m in here. Of course I’m not ok.” The other woman snapped out.

 

Lena physically recoiled and drew into herself, her face growing blank.

 

“Right. Well I’ll just leave you to it then.” She said before turning on her heel and leaving the library.

 

“Lena, wait!” Kara said, running up behind her, “I’m sorry.”

 

The blonde’s face was full of regret and Lena paused and raised an eyebrow in question.

 

Kara released a sigh.

 

“It’s just that Maggie told me this morning that Dr Jones wants to talk to me about adjusting my medication and it really…threw me off”

 

Oh.

 

“Ummm… is that a bad thing? Isn’t it important for you to be on the right dosage?”

 

Kara blinked up at her.

 

“Well… sure. It’s just… I’ve been here for so long. I’m just starting to wonder if I’ll ever get out. It’s been two years, and it hasn’t even been discussed. I know Mike’s probably getting released soon, and he’s only been here for six months!” The blonde said throwing her hands up in the air.

 

“Well,” Lena answered, “Don’t you have to be here for a certain amount of time? How long does the plea deal ask for you to be here?”

 

Kara hesitated before replying.

 

“I was only supposed to be here for a year, but my time was extended ‘at the facilities discretion’.”

 

Lena raised her eyebrows, she could understand Kara’s nervousness now. If she was being forced to stay here for double her intended time she would be climbing the walls. 

 

“Well… I’m sure it’s for your own good, if that’s any consolation.” She said weakly.

 

“Now you sound like my sister,” Kara grumbled.

 

“She must be smart then,” Lena replied, earning a grin from Kara.

 

“Did they tell you why you’ve had to stay longer?”

 

Kara paused scuffing her shoes before nodding.

 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Lena rushed out. “Only if you want to.”

 

“Maybe…one day.” Kara replied.

 

“Ok.” Lena said before laughing.

 

“What’s so funny?” Kara asked.

 

“Nothing. It’s just I came here to get you to make me feel better!”

 

Kara laughed.

 

“Yeah… get used to that in here. Sharing pain and all that. But seriously, are you ok?”

 

Lena’s heart warmed hearing the concern in Kara’s voice.

 

“Yeah. I am now.”

 

Kara beamed.

 

* * *

 

The women spent the rest of the morning together in the library reading, before heading to lunch. Sam spent the whole time in silence, much to everyone’s silent relief, Mike engaged Kara in a conversation about some all you can eat place in National City they both visited frequently and Clark spent his time doing a basic sketch of Lena’s face after asking her permission. Kara’s smile nearly broke her face when questioned, Clark told her Lena was letting him paint her. 

 

“That’s so awesome! Clark does the most amazing paintings. He could sell them for heaps when he leaves, I should get Lucy to ask Lois to set up a website! You should see mine Lena, brilliant.” She was glad to see Kara’s good mood returning, even the rambling.

 

After lunch the group collectively headed back to the group room, and sat down on the set up chairs waiting until Maggie arrived.

 

“Hello again you lot, behave yourself today?”

 

“It’s only one miss, we still have time” Mike said with a laugh.

 

Maggie rolled her eyes, before sitting down

 

“So, we have absolutely nothing to cover from yesterday unless we all want to introduce ourselves again. Come to think of it, Lena you never actually got a chance to, so why don’t you now.”

 

“Oh ok… Ermmm, So my name’s Lena and I’m here to get better.”

 

There was a pause after she spoke and Maggie gave her a smile.

 

“That’s it?” Sam’s voice sounded out, “That’s all we get?”

 

“Whatever Mrs “I shouldn’t be here”, don’t think you can talk.” Kara shot back.

 

“Guys-“ Maggie began to warn.

 

“No! Come on. We don’t even get to know if she self committed or keyed a car to get here!”

 

“Sam!” Maggie barked out.

 

“No Maggie,” Lena began silencing Kara before she could retort, “It’s fine.”

 

She paused again, before taking a deep breath.

 

“I have depression and anxiety. I tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago and yes, I am self committed.”

 

There was two seconds of silence before Sam and Mike let out loud groans and Kara shouted ‘yes!’.

 

“Self committed! Ha! You two owe me a week of mopping duty each! And Clark gets to paint you Arias, you promised” The blonde woman said gleefully.

 

Lena was confused.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

Maggie was the one to answer.

 

“Unless I am mistaken, and I’m hoping I am. It sounds like you lot have started your betting again.” Maggie began in a stern tone.

 

“Uhhhh… of course not miss.” Mike said, “Just friendly banter.”

 

“Totally.” Kara added

 

“Clark?” Maggie asked.

 

The group as a whole turned to the quiet man.

 

“Just banter Maggie.” He said with his best boy next door smile.

 

“Hmmmm,” the detective said dubiously.

 

“Anyway…. Thank you Lena for sharing that with us. Today I want to talk a little bit about regrets.”

 

This time Kara groaned.

 

“Not this again.”

 

“Yes Kara, again. And we are going to keep discussing it because it’s important to constantly remind ourselves that yes, the past can hurt, but you can either run from it or learn from it.” Maggie said.

 

“Hakuna Matata. That’s cold Mags, using Disney on me like that.” Kara said with a look of utter betrayal on her face.

 

Maggie smiled again at Kara’s expression.

 

“I did my research. Now, Clark. Why don’t you tell us something that you regret and what you hope to learn from it.”

 

The man in question shuffled in his seat.

 

“Well… I regret the time I thought my dad’s car was a space ship and I drove it into the lake. We didn’t have a lot of money and it cost a lot to repair. But, my dad wasn’t totally angry, we spent the rest of the summer fixing it together.” Clark finished with a smile.

 

Bloody hell, one time Lena accidentally broke a vase when she was ten and Lillian didn’t speak to her for a month. Mind you, she thought Lex could do no wrong and let him get away with anything. Even all of his…. eccentricities. Lena zoned herself back into the conversation.

 

“…..and that’s good Clark. I love that movie. It’s important to see the good things even with the bad.”

 

Maggie turned to the grumpy brunette on her left.

 

“What about you Sam?”

 

“I’m not talking about this.” The woman shot back poisonously, arms folded across her chest.

 

“Ok Sam.” Maggie said in a gentle voice before turning to Mike while Lena eyed the other brunette with a curious look before Sam glared back and Lena averted her gaze.

 

“Mike, what about you?”

 

The man let out a sigh and rubbed his forehead.

 

“I guess… how I got sent here.”

 

“You guess?”

 

“How I got sent here for sure,” the man began more confidently.

 

“I was going out with this girl, Imra, and we went to a friend of mine’s club one night. My mate came around and sat with us for a bit and I became convinced that he was flirting with her so I grabbed her and we went outside and yelled at each other on the curb. Anyway, someone must have called the police because I got done for drunk and disorderly and taken to lockup to sober up. When I got out the next day, they were doing clean up at the bar and I walked in and smashed up the place with a baseball bat. And when my mate came out of his office, I busted his kneecap.”

 

Lena listened to Mike’s story and viewed him in a new light. The man must have been incredibly angry to do something like that.

 

“Anyway, basically I was looking at assault and battery, plus the thousands of damage I did to the bar. But my lawyer managed to convince the judge to get me a psychiatric assessment and a few of my other friends testified. Basically I was undiagnosed BPD and so in lieu of jail, I was sent here for nine months.”

 

Lena frowned, that was an incredibly low sentence for assault. Mike must of had one hell of a lawyer. Lena’s eyes widened, Mike’s last name was Daxam. Of course. He must be the son of Rhea, the head of Daxam and Daxam. Lena had never actually met the son, but she had heard the stories. He was agood friend of Oliver's she recalled. He was known as a reckless playboy, blowing thousands to take playboy bunnies to Europe for months and getting involved in drugs. He was the shame of the Daxam family, but they mostly tried to keep his exploits out of the press rather than curbing them. Lena had heard something about an arrest a couple of months ago, but she had been busy with work and starting to spiral herself so she hadn’t paid much attention. Well, no wonder he had gotten away with barely no time. Daxam’s lawyers were well known to be as ruthless as her own.

 

“And what do you think you’ve learnt from that experience Mike?” Maggie continued.

 

The man sighed, rubbing his forehead again.

 

“Well, accountability. I know I was undiagnosed, but that doesn’t change what I did. I wrote letters to Imra to apologise for my behaviour and what I did. But I can’t talk to my ex friend because he has a restraining order on me. I sent a letter to his lawyer instead to ask if it could be given to him, but I didn’t get a reply so I don’t know if he read it. Imra replied though, and she came up to visit actually. She was…. incredibly understanding actually. Anyway, she’s been coming up for a few months now and I know it’s weird, but we decided to give it another shot. Though we’re going to take it slow when I get out, wooing and all that because I still have to work on my impulse control and part of my AA is not having sex for a year and I still have six months. What I’ve learnt though is exactly what you said Maggie, to learn from it and not repeat my mistakes. If I’m going to move forward, I can’t hold it over my own head.”

 

Lena was a bit shocked. Mike certainly seemed to have bettered and matured himself by being here. And he had plans and a relationship he was going to enter into once he left. His external support system already had one up on hers. 

 

“Although,” He said his serious tone abating while a smirk snuck back onto his face, “I am going to miss all you lovely ladies when I leave.”

 

“Oh fuck off Daxam.” Sam said while Kara and Lena exchanged exasperated looks.

 

Ok, so maybe not that mature.

 

“Thank you Mike. It’s fantastic to see how much progress you’ve made since being here.” Maggie said with a dimpled grin.

 

“Lena, you’re up.” She said turning to the business woman.

 

The green eyed woman sat back in her chair trying to gather her thoughts.

 

“Well… I guess I regret how things ended with my fiancée.”

 

Lena was a bit scared how bringing up Veronica would go with Maggie, she seemed to rip into Lena’s old friends this morning so she was surprised when a question came from Clark and not Maggie.

 

“Do you still love her?”

 

Lena looked between the man and the psychologist.

 

“It’s ok Lena. The point of group is to get you to ask and answer each others questions… within reason,” she finished eyeing Sam who had begun to open her mouth.

 

The woman turned back to the schizophrenic man.

 

“Yes. A part of me, yes.”

 

“Do you miss her?”

 

This time the question came from Kara, who was eyeing her with such intensity, Lena felt a little uncomfortable answering.

 

“Yes. I don’t know. Maybe? At the start, when she left I was heartbroken. This was the woman I had planned to marry and hopefully spend the rest of my life with. When she left, I had no one.” Lena finished with a sad smile.

 

“Why did she leave?” Mike asked.

 

“Well, I had just stepped down from my job and I became extremely reclusive. I just couldn’t leave the apartment. Veronica is a free spirit, she said I was making her feel trapped. It makes sense, I wasn’t the same woman who had proposed to her.”

 

Kara frowned down at her shoes.

 

“So… she left you. The woman she loved, because you were falling apart and needed help?”

 

She felt like getting angry, but the question had been from Clark this time and she couldn’t bring herself to be pissed at such a kind and sincere face.

 

“It wasn’t like that.” She said shaking her head.

 

“What was it like then.” Kara asked a slight sneer in her voice.

 

Now Lena was beginning to get mad, she had been pushed enough for today. Why did everyone seems to be judging everything she was saying? She was going to bark back, but thought better of it and took a page out of Sam’s book.

 

Crossing her arms over her chest she said, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

 

And just like that, the tense air broke and Kara’s intense expression changed to one of concern.

 

“That’s ok Lena,” Maggie said. “Thank you for sharing.”

 

The latina turned to the blonde woman next to Lena.

 

“Kara, your turn.”

 

The woman turned her gaze from Lena to the floor.

 

“I don’t know.” She said.

 

“Don’t know, or don’t want to talk about it?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Maggie shook her head.

 

“Not good enough Kara. You’ve been avoiding this every time it’s brought up.”

 

Kara shot Maggie an irritated glance.

 

“Sam didn’t talk either!”

 

Maggie wasn’t putting up with Kara’s shit.

 

“Well you’re not Sam. So stop complaining and tell me one thing you regret.”

 

Kara huffed and kicked her heel against her chair leg.

 

“I regret how I yelled at my sister before I came here. I mean, we still talk and she visits, but I never apologised.”

 

“Why did you yell at your sister?”

 

Kara’s gaze bored into Lena’s after the green eyed woman surprised herself by asking a question.

 

“She thought it was a good idea for me to be admitted. She agreed with the judge and I was angry with her. I told her she wasn’t really my sister and that she didn’t have my back. She said that I’d needed help for a long time, and that I could never be angrier at her then she was at herself for not doing something sooner. I told her I didn’t want to speak to her again.” Kara said sadly.

 

“But you speak to her now. She’s at every visitation.” Mike asked.

 

“Well yeah, we’re sisters and she’s stubborn. She just turned up. That and she’s legally responsible for me, she likes the updates. But we don’t talk about the argument.” Kara finished while the group sat in silence.

 

Lena began gently, “Well, if it’s bothering you. Maybe you should bring it up when she comes next time.”

 

Kara didn’t reply, but she nodded in acknowledgement.

 

“Ok guys. Well I think a lot of emotion was flung around there, but I’m really proud of you Kara for sharing that with the group. Lena, thank you as well. Mike and Clark, really good job. And don’t worry Sam, we’ll get there.”

 

“Not fucking likely,”Mike muttered under his breath and Sam shot him the bird.

 

“What was that Mike?” Maggie said sharply.

 

“I said… I’m looking forward to the activity. What did you think I said miss?” 

 

Maggie rolled her eyes, while Lena, Clark and Kara giggled.

 

“Ok then guys, activitiy's on the lawn in ten minutes. So don’t be late!” 

 

The group walked out of the room, Sam, Clark and Mike wandering out to the lawn while Lena walked back to her room to grab a light coat, if looked a bit chilly outside. Kara followed her and once they rounded the corner she spoke.

 

“Hey.. I’m sorry if I pushed too much about your fiancée.” She said with an apologetic note in her voice.

 

Lena couldn’t stay upset at the puppy eyes Kara was throwing her and she released the tension she had been holding in her shoulders.

 

“Its ok Kara. It’s just a sensitive topic and I’m still a bit raw from this morning’s session. But that’s what group is for I'm guessing. To question and hold ourselves accountable to each other.”

 

Kara nodded, seeming lost in thought.

 

“I’m sorry as well, if I pushed about your sister.”

 

Kara smiled.

 

“Nah you didn’t. Besides, that’s what groups for.” She finished brightly with a wink.

 

After Lena retrieved her coat, they walked to the lawn together with Kara making Lena laugh by telling her a series of silly jokes.

 

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

 

“I don’t know, why?”

 

Kara answered with a wink.

 

“Because he saw you on the other side.”

 

Lena blushed at Kara’s dumb flirting, and her renewed intense gaze.

 

“Ok Crazy Eyes.” She said with a smile as they stopped and stood next to the rest of the group and Jess who were watching as James and Maggie ran around a marked out field scattering rubbery objects. Evidently, they had something to do with the planned group activity, but when Lena looked at the other members of the groups faces she only saw confusion.

 

“What torture are we being subjected to today?” Sam inquired.

 

“We, are playing a game called Mine Field.” Maggie answered jogging back to the group after she placed the last item down. 

 

“I’m going to pair you up. One of you is going to be blindfolded and the other person is going to guide them across the field using only verbal communication. The winning pair gets off mop duty for a week. Sam, Mike, might give you a chance to win back some free time that you absolutely didn’t bet away.”

 

Mike and Kara were grinning before Maggie finished talking and the blonde began making her way over to Lena when the detective interrupted her walk.

 

“Hang on Kara. I said I’m picking the pairs and the blindfolded partner.” She said, gesturing Kara back in line.

 

“Clark your going to be blindfolded, and you’re pairing with James whose helping today.”

 

James and Clark high five’d each other, they could easily be mistaken for best friends.

 

“Mike and Kara you're together. Kara is blindfolded.”

 

Sam groaned while Kara interjected.

 

“Miss you can’t pair Lena with Sam, she’ll lead Lena straight into a ditch!”

 

Maggie raised an eyebrow at Kara’s tone.

 

“Thank you for your input Kara,” she said dryly. “But Sam’s going to be blindfolded, not Lena.”

 

Sam let out a growl and Maggie shot her a look.

 

“Alright, you’ve got two minutes. And no cheating! I want those blindfolds doubled up!”

 

Lena made her way over to the other brunette with trepidation. Sam grabbed the blindfold out of Jess’ hand when the nurse handed them out and knotted it around her own head.

 

“I want to win this Ms Money, and if you let me fall I will make you wish you’d never been born.”

 

Lena responded by yanking Sam towards the start line earning a curse word from the other woman.

 

“Don’t worry darling,” she said in a fake sweet tone. “I won’t let you fall.”

 

Maggie walked in front of the group.

 

“All ready then? Ok, basic rules. No touching your partner, verbal directions only. Anyone caught cheating will be washing dishes for a month understand? Good. First one across the field wins. Ready? Go!”

 

People began to make their way across the field, Mike and James shouting to their allocated partners. Lena walked with Sam instead. Maggie never said she had to stay on the other end of the field. The two men caught on to what she was doing after the pair had walked ten feet together and rushed to join their companions. Lena was having other problems though, Sam was walking too fast and wasn’t listening to her warnings to slow down. 

 

“Sam you’re going to fall-“

 

The brunette woman came crashing down over a duck shaped foam object with a curse.

 

“Idiot!” She shouted scrambling back to her feet, “I said not to let me fall!”

 

Lena grew impatient.

 

“No, you’re the idiot! You are blindfolded dummy, you need to listen to me. I want to win this too. Now shut up and slow down.”

 

Sam grunted, but listened to Lena’s instructions and slowed down. They only had two more crashes. Once, when Lena misjudged Sam’s stepping distance and another when Sam didn’t lift her foot high enough. They were coming in second when Kara came crashing down over a foam brick. 

 

“Come on Sam, we’re in first place! Three steps to your left then sprint for it!”

 

Arias followed her directions and made it a foot ahead of Kara who had lumbered ungracefully behind her.

 

“Well done Lena and Sam,” Maggie said as the brunette took of her blindfold and gave Lena a wary nod.

 

“Your off mopping duty for a week. Looks like your going to a have a cruisey first week Lena!”

 

Kara groaned at losing half the bet time she had accumulated, and Clark was rubbing a knee he’d fallen on during the game.

 

“That’s the activity for the day, hopefully you learned a little about the importance of communication and trust. Tomorrow’s visitation remember? So no appointments and you have the day free afterwards. Alright off you go!” Maggie finished before turning to James to talk.

 

“Well that was fun!” Kara said bouncing up to Lena, “Even if I did get that week of mop duty back from Arias.” She said frowning at Arias’ rapidly retreating form.

 

“How did that go by the way? You managed not to push her over, so you’ve got one up on me.”

 

“Fine,” Lena said also watching Sam stalk off. “Once she shut up and listened to me.”

 

Kara snorted, “a miracle truly.”

 

They walked back to their rooms in silence before Kara bursted.

 

“Ok. I’ve been wanting to say it all day, but I’ve been restraining myself. You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen!”

 

Lena blinked at the influx of words, but she was slowly beginning to get used to Kara’s odd behaviour.

 

“Not as pretty as yours,” she said with a smile. “Of that, I can assure you.”

 

Kara blushed and opened Lena’s door for her to enter.

 

“A true lady. Thank you Kara,” She said walking into the room while Kara fidgeted with her hands.

 

“I was wondering… If I could walk you to dinner tonight?”

 

Lena was shocked how Kara managed to make her feel like eating communal dinner in the food hall with her and the rest of the patients was as exciting as being invited to a first date at the finest restaurant in Paris. 

 

“I’d like that very much Kara.”

 

“Great! So I’ll see you then I guess.” She said smiling before bouncing back to her own room.

 

Lena sighed and once again leant her head against the door when it closed.

 

Well now she wasn’t even trying to keep her distance. 

 

Useless lesbian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked it! Thanks for reading!


	4. It is Sometimes an Appropriate Response to Reality to Go Insane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just like to note quickly the importance of discussing mental health issues. Sometimes ignorance is the worst problem facing people with mental health issues so it is so important to be educated so you can help educate others.
> 
> Ok, serious stuff is done. I hope you all enjoy this chapter and feel free to leave your comments and thoughts below. I love to read them :)

Kara was having a difficult day. It had it’s ups and downs she supposed. But there were more downs than she would have liked. And fewer ups than she would have preferred. It was all a bit… nutty. She didn’t get much sleep last night, far too awake mulling over all her interactions with Lena during the day. From the moment she first saw her, beautiful to the moment she last saw her, also beautiful.

 

She still couldn’t believe she said that to Lena, she had to confirm. And then Lena told her it was beautiful…. beautiful!

 

God, she loved that word.

 

So she may have got a little impatient and knocked on Lena’s door a tad early. But when Lena opened the door to defend her with Winn she had looked ravishing. Her tousled hair was giving Kara ideas and she had to focus on a spot next to the nurse’s head just to calm herself down. But when she went to apologise for getting the woman up so early, the other woman had placed her finger across her lips and Kara’s mind ran rampant with possibilities. 

 

And even after that, she still went to breakfast with her!

 

But then Maggie talked to her afterward to tell her Jonn wanted to adjust her medication. 

 

Again.

 

Kara was left in a foul mood then, and when she went back to her room she slammed the door. She then buried her head in the pillow and screamed.

 

She was never going to get out of this place.

 

When she stopped, she turned on her back and became restless with irritation.

 

Productivity vs destructive tendencies.

 

That’s what she had learned in here.

 

So instead of throwing something like she really wanted too, she spent most of the morning scribbling furiously in her journal. After a while, the angry scribbles turned to long whimsical ones about Lena’s facial features. Just then another knock sounded on her door, making her irritated again.

 

“What!” She bit out, opening the door.

 

Mike’s hands raised in defence.

 

“Easy there grumpy! I just wanted to ask if you had a pencil I could borrow. Mine broke halfway through my letter to Imra.”

 

“Jesus Mike, she’s going to be here tomorrow! Why the hell do you need to write her a letter!”

 

Mike’s voice pinched in concern and he reached up to scratch his beard.

 

“I know Clark’s way better at this shit than me but… are you ok?”

 

Kara’s eyes narrowed.

 

“Why do you care?”

 

“Well, I’m told I’ve become a really good listener. I could give you…advice?”

 

The blonde released a sigh, before gesturing for Mike to come in. They both sat down on the bed for a few minutes before Kara began to talk.

 

“I’m going stir crazy. I’ve been here too long. I want out.”

 

Mike laid a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.

 

“I know Kara. I get it. I know I haven’t been in here as long as you, but the next three months are going to be hell. I mean, I love all you guys! Even though Sam’s a pill… but it’s still worrying. I don’t know for sure I’m going to be let out, I mean I know Jonn and Maggie have put in their recommendations for me to leave pending my further behaviour but… maybe the court won’t accept it. It’s scary.”

 

“It’s still different for you Mike. I’ve been here for double my expected time… and nobody thinks I’m ready to leave. At least you have a recommendation! I’ve got zilch.”

 

“Hey,” Mike said gently. “It’ll be ok. And when you get out, you’ll have two friends on the outside. Me and Lucy.”

 

Kara laughed.

 

“I thought you said Lucy was gonna be a no show?”

 

“Yeah, well, I was just winding you up. That girl's going to be stuck on you like glue. You were thick as thieves in here. Sorry if it upset you.”

 

Kara eyed the stoic man in front of her.

 

“You really have changed since you've been here Mike. Your advice is actually comforting now.”

 

“Well I don’t know if that was really advice,” the bearded man said with a grin, “But surely it can’t beat my hundred and one sex positions conversation the first week I was here!”

 

“Close second,” she countered while they laughed together.

 

While Mike’s visit did make her feel better, after he left her bad mood returned. So she decided to distract herself by heading to the library, only to find it occupied by Sam.

 

The woman looked at her with tired eyes, before walking out without word.

 

Well good. She wasn’t in the mood for Sam’s shit today.

 

She regretted barking at Lena when she came in though, the other woman had been looking for her comfort. Which was a compliment really, and she’d turned it around on her by behaving like a total shit. Anyway, it seemed to turn into some mutual bonding moment, which she took as a good sign. 

 

But then there was that bloody terror of a group session. Where she not managed to sabotage her chances with Lena, by behaving like a complete idiot about her ex. 

 

She couldn’t help it. But when Lena said she still have feelings for the woman who treated her like complete shit, the rush of jealousy was profound.

 

Clearly her standards needed improving. To aim higher.

 

…Like a court ordered, bipolar fellow patient.

 

Ok, even in _her_ head that didn’t sound sensible.

 

She was trying to portray the image of slight normalcy, especially after her medication discussion this morning. The last thing she needed was Lena think she was totally beyond help. It wasn’t that she was ashamed of being bipolar, she had more than accepted that fact. But, she also wasn’t completely keen on revealing every nutty thing she did to get in here.

 

Well, the one _really_ bad thing she did. 

 

Maggie was pushing with the regrets thing though. She couldn’t help but be defensive, the last thing she needed was to talk about that in front of the green eyed beauty. She pulled the thing with Alex out of her ass, but she was surprised to realise that if was actually true. She did regret how the last conversation went with her sister before she came to Krypton. And how it had ended most of all.

 

Lena had looked at her with such genuine care.

 

_“Well, if it’s bothering you. Maybe you should bring it up when she comes next time.”_

 

She was probably right. 

 

And then there was all that fun playing the Mine Field game which Sam and Lena had won. 

 

Now there was an unlikely combination, but Kara could see them working together. Both good looking, and seemingly driven.

 

And _now,_ she was jealous of Sam.

 

But Lena’s look of distaste directed at the sociopath's back, quelled that suspicion.

 

And when she walked Lena back to her room, she couldn’t contain herself anymore. Fuck pretending to be normal. 

 

_“Ok. I’ve been wanting to say it all day, but I’ve been restraining myself. You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen!”_

 

_“Not as pretty as yours,” she said with a smile. “Of that, I can assure you.”_

 

Her heart couldn’t take it! Then the cherry on top was Lena agreeing to let her walk her to dinner. She was getting jittery at the thoughts crashing around in her head.

 

She was washed and ready for dinner half an hour early. But remembering Lena’s reaction this morning, she sat on her bed tapping her foot. Finally, it was ten minutes before the food was due to be served. Kara launched out of her room. She was ready to pound on the other woman’s door in excitement, but restrained herself and just gently tapped.

 

“Come in,” Lena’s voice sounded from behind the door.

 

The blonde woman opened the door hesitantly. As a rule, no patients were allowed in another’s room without permission and then the door had to stay open at all times. She might have misheard.

 

“You sure?” She said hesitantly, peering around the corner of the opened door.

 

“Yeah, of course.” Lena said smiling while she brushed her hair.

 

The blonde was distracted by the movement of the hairbrush and momentarily lost her words. 

 

Lena noticed her opened mouth and smirked.

 

“Doesn’t take much to lose your confidence, hey Crazy Eyes?” She asked chuckling.

 

Kara closed her mouth with a click and coughed. 

 

“You look really pretty tonight Lena.” She said with feeling.

 

The green eyed woman smiled at her.

 

“Always the sweet talker.”

 

Kara grinned before offering her hand for Lena to take. The other woman didn’t hesitate before taking it, making the blonde woman’s smile even larger. She tightened her grip and gave Lena’s hand a quick squeeze before tugging her out of her room and around the corner. She quickly glanced around to see if anyone was roaming the halls, but it was deserted. They walked together in silence, occasionally looking at each other with small smiles. Just before they reached the mess hall, Kara stopped them. She pulled their joined hands up, and kissed Lena’s fingers. She watched the other woman’s pupils widen and her mouth open with a small gasp. 

 

Kara smirked before she dropped her hand and opened the door to the mess for Lena to walk in. She walked past the blonde, a blush still on her cheeks, and was greeted by hello's from Clark and Mike.

 

“Evening guys, Sam.” Kara said nodding to the group with a smile.

 

Sam raised an eyebrow at the blonde’s even more excessive than usual bounciness.

 

“What the hell’s happening to you today puppy? Anymore ups and downs, they’ll be keeping you here for two more years.”

 

Kara’s good mood plummeted through the floor. 

 

“Just because you’re going to be here forever Arias, doesn’t mean anyone else will be.” Lena snarled at the other brunette.

 

The boys and Kara raised their eyebrows at Lena’s viciousness. Sam, on the other hand looked completely stunned by it. And for once, she wisely kept her mouth shut.

 

Lena sat down in her chair like nothing had happened and Kara stared down at her before scrambling into her own.

 

James picked the perfect time to arrive with the group’s dinner. He walked in with a large smile, pushing the trolley.

 

“We all ready for some grub?” He asked happily before picking up on the unusual silence.

 

“What’s up with you lot?”

 

Kara jumped, when she felt Lena’s hand rub her leg reassuringly.

 

“Absolutely nothing,” the brunette said with a large smile.

 

Mike and Clark’s broke their stares from Sam and faced the tall nurse.

 

“Yep, all good here James!” Mike said with a smile of his own.

 

“Ok then…” The bald man said placing the trays in front of the patients.

 

The group ate in silence except for a small squeak that came from Kara when Lena returned her hand to the blonde girl’s knee.

 

The men only shot her a cursory glance before retuning their attention to their dinner. Sam didn’t even look up. Lena’s face remained expressionless and continued eating her meal with one hand.

 

“Are you going to eat that?” She asked pointing to Kara’s untouched vegetables.

 

“Sorry, what?” The other woman said, still distracted by Lena’s hand.

 

The woman gave her a small smirk before asking again in a sultry voice.

 

“Are you going to eat that?”

 

“Ahhhh…no I hate kale. You go ahead,” Kara finished, nudging the tray towards her.

 

“Brilliant.” Lena replied with a smile.

 

The rest of their dinner was eaten in silence and Kara relaxed into the feeling of Lena’s hand. The second the trays had been collected by James, Sam jumped up and left the table. The other occupants of the table staring after her. 

 

Mike cleared his throat to break the awkward silence.

 

“Ok… so that happened… Anyway, you guys up for charades?” He said rubbing his hands together.

 

“I need to make up for my loss last night. I have a reputation to maintain!”

 

Lena snuck a glance at Kara before replying.

 

“As much as I would love to kick your butt again Mike, I’m tired. Walk me back to my room Kara?” 

 

The taller woman nodded dumbly.

 

“Sure, yep. No worries.”

 

Mike rolled his eyes.

 

The two women ambled their way back down the corridor, Lena reaching for Kara’s hand this time.

 

“I would say thank for dinner, but I had to pay.” Lena joked shrugging her shoulders.

 

Kara sighed dramatically.

 

“I’m sorry I forgot my money. Let me make it up to you?” She asked, stopping when they reached Lena’s door.

 

“And just how, are you going to do that.” Lena asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

Kara slowly pressed the other woman against the bedroom door and leaned in.

 

“I can think of a few ways,” she whispered.

 

Just before their lips made contact Lena whispered back.

 

“Stop.”

 

Kara jumped back suddenly.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said feeling profoundly guilty.

 

She knew it, she pushed too far. She thought was what Lena wanted though, what with the flirting and the knee and the glances. But she clearly read to much into it or was projecting or just becoming manic and fixating and doing risky stuff because she was overly confident right now-

 

“Kara. Stop thinking so hard.” Lena’s voice sounded firmly breaking Kara from her random and erratic thoughts.

 

“I want to Kara,” she said earnestly, her eyes pleading. “Really, I do.”

 

“But…” The blonde asked heavily.

 

“But, it’s too fast. I need this to be slow. I’m used to rushing into relationships, I’ve done it all my life. I’m trying to change in here, and a big part of me needs to put myself as the priority for the first time in my life. And it doesn’t help that this,” she said gesturing between them, “Could get me kicked out of here. I remember it from the contract I signed when I came in.”

 

Kara looked down at Lena in silence.

 

Of course, everything she was saying made sense. And she was absolutely right about putting herself first. But all that was competing with Kara’s deep urge to kiss her senseless.

 

“If you already knew it was…. forbidden, why did you let me keep flirting with you?” 

 

Lena sighed and then pulled her into a strong hug.

 

“Because,” she mumbled into Kara’s neck.

 

“I’m weak and I really like you.”

 

Kara laughed.

 

“Well if you’re weak, then I’m obsessive.” She said before scrunching her face up with her own words.

 

“Wait. That came out wrong. I mean, I am obsessive, but I’m not obsessive about you. Not that I don’t like you! Oh God, I sound totally insane.”

 

It was Lena’s turn to laugh.

 

“Has anyone ever told you your rambling is adorable? And remember, I’m just as crazy as you.”

 

Kara extracted herself from the hug and smiled at the beautiful woman. 

 

“Well, I suppose I better head back to my room.”

 

“I guess you better,” Lena said with a longing expression.

 

The blonde hesitated, before reaching down and pulling Lena’s hand to her mouth for another kiss.

 

“Sweet dreams Lena. Nothing but good days, remember?”

 

Lena’s eyes softened before she whispered back.

 

“Nothing but good days.”

 

Kara smiled and let go of Lena’s hand and waited for the other woman to close the door behind her, before leaving to go to her own room.

 

She lay in bed later that night and sighed. 

 

Kara would wait a million years just to kiss Lena.

 

In her own room, Lena thought the same

 

* * *

 

The next day, Kara walked into the mess hall to find Alex already arrived and talking to Jonn and Maggie. While she was happy to see her sister, she was annoyed that once again she was being reported on like a naughty kindergarten student. Technically Maggie wasn’t even her personal psychologist, but Kara had a sneaking suspicion that she had a crush on Alex. 

 

The way her sister’s eyes followed the Latina woman, she was pretty sure that the feeling was mutual. 

 

Still, while she usually would be happy about her sister finding someone that wasn’t a one night stand. She couldn’t help but feel the edges of paranoia creeping on her brain. A growing part of her was starting to think that Alex was happy about her being kept in here. 

 

For God’s sake, she’d already been here for a year longer than planned. A year! She didn’t want to be here for another. Not that she disliked the place, but the walls were beginning to creep in. And every minute longer she spent in here, meant a minute out of the real world. She didn’t want to be one of those sad people who became so institutionalised that they couldn’t function in the real world anymore. 

 

Mind you, with Lena’s arrival she wouldn’t mind staying a bit longer…

 

Though she didn’t really know what she was going to do once she got out, it wasn’t like she had a job waiting for her. And she was pretty sure her journalist prospects were ruined now.

 

The congregated group noticed her arrival at the same time and gave her, what seemed like synchronised, smiles.

 

Kara’s frown deepened briefly, before a small smile graced her features. She really was happy to see her adoptive sister, even if she came every week, she still missed her.

 

When she reached her, the two sisters embraced both gripping the other tightly.

 

“Missed ya sis.” Kara mumbled into Alex’s shoulder.

 

Her sister let out a chuckle.

 

“You say that every time I come.”

 

“Thats because I mean it every time!”

The sister's embrace ended and the redhead looked down at Kara with a smile.

 

“I missed you too.”

 

“Alright then guys, we’ll leave you to it.” Maggie said, before walking off with Jonn.

 

The blonde’s eyes followed them out of the room before she turned back to her sister, who was now looking at her with a frown on her face.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Kara rearranged her features into the picture of innocence.

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t give me that look Kara, it doesn’t fool me. Tell me what’s wrong.” The older woman said eyeing her with a stern expression.

 

They stared at each other briefly before Kara caved.

 

“Ok fine. What were you all talking about?”

 

Alex quirked an eyebrow at Kara’s snippy tone.

 

“They were giving me an update. Like they do every week.”

 

“What could they possibly have to tell you every week. How many times I sneezed?” 

 

Alex stared down at the annoyed blonde, before asking another question with a sympathetic voice.

 

“Kara, what’s this really about? I’ve been getting updates for the last two years and you’ve never been annoyed before.”

 

“Well it's annoying now!”

 

“Kara,” Alex said with a sigh running her hand down her face, “I can’t help you, if you don’t tell me what the problem is.”

 

“The problem is, I’m sick and tired of not knowing when I’m going to get out! No one will tell me why I’m still here. It’s been two years Alex! All they say is, you’re not ready Kara. What does that even mean? And now they want me to have another adjustment to my medication. Can’t you push for me to get out of here? What are you doing!” 

 

She finished here angry rant with a huff and a flushed face.

 

“Kara,” the other woman said placatingly, “The terms of the plea deal were for a minimum of a year, depending on whether the hospital thought you were ready to leave. We knew it wasn’t a guarantee when we took it. But the alternative was jail time, and I think even you can agree that you’d rather be here forever than in jail. But this behaviour,” she said gesturing to Kara, “Is doing nothing in your favour. Jonn was telling me the reason that he's adjusting your medication is because you seem to be having relapses into mania. The hyper activity, the irritability. You know what happens when you get like this. You start pushing people into lakes! Yeah, don’t think I didn’t get a phone call about that one. This all gets reported back to the courts! You know that. How do you think it’s going to look to them?”

 

Kara had the grace to look down at the table.

 

“In my defence, she deserved it.”

 

“And what happened the last time you thought someone deserved it Kara? You ended up in here!”

 

Kara looked ashamed and a single tear rolled down her cheek which she went to wipe away. But Alex handed her a handkerchief, which the blonde took, dabbing her eyes.

 

“Who still owns a handkerchief?” She said chuckling through her tears.

 

“Me,” Alex said with an apologetic smile. 

 

“I didn’t mean to make you cry Kara.”

 

“I know,” Kara said sniffling, “It’s just getting to be so frustrating. I feel like I’m going to be here forever.”

 

“I know it’s hard Kara. But Maggie just told me you had a breakthrough in group, so thats good right? Still, I know you're probably getting lonely without Lucy here.”

 

Kara blushed, thinking of Lena. She definitely wasn’t lonely. 

 

Her sister didn’t miss a thing.

 

“Oh? Not so lonely then. You make a new best friend. Tell me it’s not Sam… did her lake experience make her turn over a new leaf?”

 

“No,” she replied, “It’s not Sam.”

 

Alex raised her eyebrows.

 

“It’s a new girl. The one that was just admitted. Her name is Lena.”

 

“You like her don’t you?” Alex asked before sighing, “Kara, you know you can’t get involved with other patients. That’s why I warned you off Lucy remember?”

 

“It was never going to happen with Lucy and me Alex. We're just friends.”

 

“And this girl…Lena? What’s going to happen there?”

 

Kara paused frowning down at her shoes.

 

“I know that we can’t ‘be together'. But Alex, the moment I saw her… it was like lightning.” 

 

She began to fidget with her fingers, tapping them along the desk. She never lied to her sister. But Lena and her were going to happen, no matter what.

 

“She is so beautiful. And mysterious and there is something sad about her. I just want to help.”

 

Alex sighed again.

 

“Kara. I need you to listen to me. You need to focus on getting yourself better, and so does this girl. You can’t be getting involved in saving people right now. It’s not healthy.”

 

Kara frowned. That’s what Lena said about herself.

 

“But it’s who I am Alex, I help people!”

 

“Not in here.” Her sister said firmly.

 

“In here, you can have friends. But you can’t fall in love. And you can't be a hero.”

 

“Who said anything about love?” She replied with a nervous smile.

 

Alex gave her the look again.

 

“Kara. I know you. When you fall, you fall hard.”

 

The blonde knew logically her sister was right. She knew as well that she was getting far to invested in the green eyed woman. She’d only known her for three days! But the heart wants what the heart wants. And as long as Lena was receptive, she wasn’t going to back down.

 

“Just promise me you’ll be careful Kara.”

 

Alex’s eyes were full of concern and Kara nodded.

 

“I promise.”

 

Alex leaned back with another sigh, before letting a smile grace her features.

 

“Enough with that then. Tell me about your week! What was this breakthrough Maggie was telling me about.”

 

It was Kara’s turn to raise her eyebrow.

 

“Oh, so it’s ‘Maggie’ now is it? Remember Alex, ‘fraternisation is forbidden’!”

 

Alex blushed.

 

“It’s not like that! Of course I wouldn’t get involved with someone involved in your treatment. She’s really nice and smart though…. and pretty.”

 

Kara smiled at her sister.

 

“Well I guess I better get out of here soon, so you can ask her out then.”

 

The older woman blushed again.

 

“Shut up. Let's talk about something else. How's the tree you planted last week?”

 

* * *

 

Alex was getting ready to leave, when Kara remembered the real reason she was eager to talk to her sister today.

 

“Alex? Before you go… can I tell you something?” She asked her sister.

 

The redhead sat back down.

 

“Of course Kara. What is it?”

 

Kara fidgeted before answering.

 

“Do you remember the fight we had before I came here? When I was upset that you thought the judge agreeing to the plea deal was a good idea?”

 

“Yeah.” Alex said warily.

 

Kara sighed. Was her sister so convinced that she would bite her head off?

 

“I just wanted to apologise. I know that you were being a good sister… and a good best friend. I should never had said those horrible things to you. I’m sorry.”

 

Alex reached over to place her hand on top of her sister’s.

 

“Kara, it’s ok. Lord knows if I was in your position, I’d be behaving fifty times worse. But Kara, you know that all I want is for you to be healthy and happy? I’m not trying to keep you in here. There’s nothing I want more than for you to come home. I just want you to be ready.”

 

Kara closed her eyes and let out a heavy breath.

 

“… I know Alex. I understand.”

 

Alex’s eyes welled with tears and she stood up and pulled the blonde into a tight hug.

 

“I love you Kara. So much.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey Clark,” Kara said wandering into the games room where Clark was playing solitaire. 

 

“Have you seen Lena? I went by her room, but she wasn’t there.”

 

Clark gave her a soft smile, before gesturing for Kara to sit down. She sat across from him and waited for him to finish his game. While she was impatient to find Lena, she wasn’t going to run out on the dark haired man when he wanted to talk to her. After he had laid the last card down, he turned to her.

 

“Best to give her some space Kara. Especially today.”

 

“What do you mean?” She asked frowning.

 

Clark let out a sigh.

 

“You know Kara, it’s probably about time you learned one of the most difficult burdens of being a superhero. You can’t save everybody, sometimes you have to let them save themselves. I learnt the hard way.”

 

Kara stared at the other man. While most people saw Clark’s superhero beliefs as delusions, she swore it was just his way of talking in metaphors about the real world. 

 

“Why would you say that? If she’s hurting, I can help her,” she answered.

 

“You _can_ help her Kara. Be there for her when she’s hurting and let her lean on you. But she needs to figure some things out for herself. I know it’s hard. You watched our planet burn, and I left you all alone with the Danvers. You lost everyone in your family except for me and I wasn’t there for you. So you think you need to save everyone else, because no one was there to save you.”

 

Her metaphor theory was definitely right.

 

“So what your saying is… I sometimes need to give her space to heal on her own? But why would today be hard on her?”

 

Clark looked at her like she was thick.

 

“Didn’t you listen to her in group yesterday? Nobody is coming to visit her.”

 

“All she said was the fiancee and her split up. Why wouldn’t anyone else visit her?”

 

“It was in her body language Kara. You know really need to learn these things if your going to be a good Supergirl.”

 

Kara sat back in her chair. She wasn’t going to dispute with him, he was an excellent reader of people.

 

“Just be there for her Kara. She’s had a hard life.” He added.

 

“You keep saying that. What do you mean?” 

 

Clark stared deeply into her eyes.

 

“You’re not ready to know yet… Let her tell you in her own time.”

 

The blonde woman sighed in frustration.

 

Clark could be as annoying as he was helpful.

 

“I’ll do that then,” she said before smiling.

 

“Hey, what about a game of Go Fish?”

 

The man broke out into a huge grin.

 

“Thought you’d never ask.”

 

* * *

 

After Kara’s game with Clark finished, she decided to head to library to read a book. She was surprised to see that Lena had returned from wherever she had been and was curled up on a couch, reading the copy of Harry Potter she had taken out.

 

“Hey Lena,” Kara said gently before pointing to the book.

 

“You know, number five really is my favourite. Apart from the ending.”

 

“It’s supposed to represent the complete death of Harry’s innocence. At least that’s what I read somewhere.” The other woman responded tiredly.

 

“Oh, well that’s a bit depressing… I meant sad! Sorry, I didn’t mean to…ah shit, foot in mouth" she finished apolgetically.

 

Lena smiled at her rambling and earnest face.

 

“It’s ok Kara. It is depressing… I’m just feeling a bit down today.”

 

The taller woman hesitated before asking. 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Lena looked at her with sad eyes.

 

“Not particularly.”

 

“Ok.” Kara said gently.

 

“Is it ok if I sit and read with you though? I can head back to my room and read there though, no dramas.”

 

Lena smiled.

 

“No, I’d like it if you stayed.”

 

Kara smiled back.

 

“Ok then. I’ll just get a book for myself.”

 

She rummaged around the shelves before returning with her own book.

 

Lena’s eyebrow arched when she read the title.

 

“The Deathly Hallows?”

 

“Yeah,” Kara said. “Because they’ve lived through the horrors and come out the other side. Number five’s my favourite, but I like the message of this one better.”

 

“And what’s that?”

 

Kara smiled again, before reaching forward to grasp Lena’s hand.

 

“Hope.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did we think? Let me know below!


	5. I'll Take Crazy Over Stupid Anyday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter because I've been really busy, but quality over quantity right? Hope you enjoy!

Two weeks can either go by very fast or very slow depending on what is currently occurring in your life.

 

Lena’s first two weeks at Krypton did both. On one hand, she was slowly getting used to the routine. Up in the morning and off to breakfast where Kara always had the seat on her left free. She hadn’t tried to wake her up for breakfast since the first time, something Lena was eternally grateful for.

She always greeted Lena with a smile before recounting to the green-eyed woman whatever dreams she had experienced the night before.

 

_“Don’t laugh Lena! You try being chased by a sheep-shrimp hybrid, see how you like it.”_

 

_“Kara, it was a dream. Sheep-shrimps don’t exist.”_

 

_“Not yet…. but my dream could be prophetic! You wouldn’t laugh then.”_

 

Then, depending on the day, she would either have an appointment or free time. Her weekly meetings with Dr. Jones were always interesting. He liked to cover her childhood a lot, often choosing to speak in metaphors and diverting to interests they both shared. They could drift into their mutual appreciation of tiramisu easily before he would rope them back to the topic of Lena’s apparent abandonment issues. Sometimes the conversations left Lena feeling lighter, but more often than not she felt totally drained and in need of a nap. But no matter what she could appreciate the intelligence of it all. Jonn was certainly well educated, and there seemed to be an unspoken game between them to try and trip the other up when it came to both general and random knowledge about any topic. Something, Lena begrudgingly admitted, she thought he was winning at. She justified her loss because he had access to the internet and could therefore research beforehand.

 

If the scales were even…

 

Her meetings with Maggie, were an entirely different story.

 

At the start, she usually began crying. Something she assured Maggie she never did before she came here.

 

_ “Good. It means you are finally releasing your emotions.” _

 

Her other way to release her emotions, was by determinedly avoiding questions, something the detective always noted down  _loudly_. The Latina woman certainly didn’t pull her punches, just as she promised, and seemed determined to beat her previous record for most penetrating questions every single time they met. He session with Maggie mostly focused on the present and recent past of her life, particularly on her past relationships. It certainly made Lena wonder why she had been friends and girlfriends with so many toxic people. Analysing them now, she realised she had surrounded herself with takers.

 

_ “Have you ever heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle Lena?” _

 

_ “Yes. The concept of there being three roles in relationships in conflict. The rescuer, the prosecutor and the victim.” _

 

_ “And in your life and your relationships, do you think you’ve ever filled these roles? Don’t answer now, I want you to go away and think about it.” _

That was another thing the dimpled woman loved to do. Drop major bombshells and thought projects on her right at the end of their sessions that she would spend days puzzling over. Her sessions with the woman could also leave her drained, but more often than not she was left with a sense of achievement. Something she’d always strived for in her life. It was strange to realise she valued simple progress in a counseling session as much as dominating at a board meeting.

 

In fact, the simple victories she had here usually made her feel better and for far longer.

 

Her mornings of free time, she usually found herself with Clark in the art room where she posed for her portrait. Something he refused to let her see yet and they would slip into easy conversation. Lena found that as long as they managed to avoid talking about his fantasies, their talks flowed smoothly. He was an incredibly empathetic person Lena came to realise. He was quite content to listen to her talk, and she found herself opening up to him far more than she had with people she had known for years.

 

_ “You shouldn’t overthink it too much.” _

 

_ “Overthink what?” _

 

_ “The thing you have going on with Kara.” _

 

_ “What thin g.” _

_ “Lena. I know my cousin. She looks at you the way I look at my wife.” _

 

_ “I didn’t know you were married.” _

_ “Her name is Lois, she’s actually Lucy’s sister.” _

_ “Lucy. As in the Lucy who was here before me?” _

_ “Yeah. She ended up coming here because Lois thinks this place has been really helpful to me.” _

_ “Clark. Can I ask you a question?” _

 

_ “Shoot.” _

_ “Why do you stay here?” _

_ “Why do you?” _

_ “...Touche.” _

_ “Back to my original statement though. Don’t overthink it too much.” _

_ “It’s hard not too.” _

_ “I know. You’ve been hurt before. But Kara’s her own person, and she would never hurt you on purpose. She’s too kind.” _

_ “Maybe I’m afraid that I’ll hurt her instead.” _

_ “Seems to me if you go through you're life like that, you’re gonna spend more time worrying than living.” _

_ “…anyone ever tell you, you give good advice.” _

_ “Kara. Like, every day.” _

 

In the afternoon they had lunch and again the chair next to Kara would be free. It was usually filled with conversation and numerous passive aggressive (sometimes just aggressive) insults being thrown across the table from Sam. After lunch was group, which was more often than not simply a chance for them to get to know and trust each other. It was nice as well, to talk about their particular experiences and challenges relating to their different illness’. Of course all these conversations were exempting Sam, who Lena realised refused to accept that she belonged here at all. Kara had a knack for making her manic episode stories into long ridiculous anecdotes that Lena couldn’t help but find funny. Like the time she became convinced that she needed a car, even though she couldn’t drive.

 

_“I ended up brow beating a tech friend of mine into hacking my pay stumps so I could get the finance at the dealership for the car. But when I went in, I realised that Winn had changed them from my normal pay to a negative balance in my bank accpunt. Long story short, my real credit score was affected and I was denied access to the apartment I had applied for.”_

 

And, evidently, it turns out that Kara’s budgerigar story was partially true, but it wasn’t the reason she was admitted.

 

_ “Well I did go into to free them and I did get sidetracked by the penguins, but I couldn’t find a way in so I mostly just thought of ways to break the glass until closing time.” _

 

Then the group would sometimes do a bonding activity. Eventually, they were allowed to do yoga again but only if Clark was positioned between Sam and everyone else. Kara seemed to get distracted easily whenever Lena did a particularly bendy pose, leading her to fall over a lot much to Lena’s amusement. After the activity, she would head back to her room to read alone and contemplate how Kara was being very un clingy. She half expected since their almost kiss for Kara to be all over her. But she seemed determined to give her as much space as possible and hadn’t even asked to walk her to dinner since the first time.

 

Lena found it incredibly sweet that Kara wanted to respect her wishes to go slow, but after a week and a half she was getting frustrated. Her conversation with Clark was whirling in her head and Lena decided that maybe the pace should be moved up a gear from snail crawl.

 

And that was how she found herself ready to knock on Kara’s bedroom door to ask the other woman to walk to dinner with her

 

A muffled ‘Enter’ sounded out and Lena opened the door. She couldn’t see the other woman, but heard the sound of soft grunts from behind the bed.

 

If Lena didn’t know any better she would say that those sounds were….

 

Kara. Doing sit-ups. In a sports bra.

 

Sweat glistened over the tan body and Lena’s mind went totally blank, mesmerised by the movements of Kara’s back and arm muscles flexing.

 

The blonde tilted her head and smiled when she saw her.

 

“Hey Lena. Just give me a sec.”

 

Kara refocused herself and Lena closed her mouth with a soft pop.

 

The taller woman spent a few more minutes doing her exercise while Lena sat on the edge of the bed and tried not to stare. Instead, she turned her attention to the walls of Kara’s room which were decorated with ripped out pages of Kara's journal. Every page was filled with scrawled words. Some looked like short stories and other’s poetry.

 

“You can read some of them if you like.”

 

Kara had finished her sit-ups and was towelling herself off.

 

“I wouldn’t put it on the walls if I didn’t want people to read it.”

 

Lena inched closer to inspect the cramped handwriting. It seemed Kara’s writing was as varied as her personality. Some of the words looked like chicken scratch. Short sentences which bursted over the page. Other pages were filled with long loopy letters, with lots flowery adjectives and nouns. Everything was well written though and Lena realised some of the work was actually non fiction. Feature articles on some of the nurses and the actual hospital itself.

 

“You have a beautiful prose Kara. You obviously enjoy writing.”

 

“It was my job actually. I was a journalist.”

 

“Was?”

 

Kara didn’t respond and instead walked forward and let her hand drift over the pages.

 

“You’re very good,” Lena said, when she realised the blonde wasn’t going to respond.

 

“Yeah…” Kara said turning back to face Lena. She plastered a smile on her face.

 

“It’s what I love.”

 

“You planning on working at it again when you get out.”

 

“I’m pretty sure my journalistic prospects are shot.” Kara replied dryly.

 

Lena cocked her head in question and the blonde waved her away.

 

“Don’t worry about it. So… what did you come to see me about?”

 

“Oh,” Lena answered her attention brought back to her original reason for coming here.

 

“Umm… I wanted to ask if I could walk you to dinner.”

 

Kara blinked in surprise, then a smile graced her features.

 

“That would be really nice.”

 

“Oh good. I’ll admit, I’m a bit surprised I had to ask. Given your…. enthusiasm to kiss me last time, I thought you would be more persistent.”

 

Kara raised an eyebrow.

 

“I thought you wanted to take things slow.”

 

“Slow, yes. Halted, no.”

 

“Well… Clark may have suggested that I give you space. Let you come to me.”

 

Lena arched an eyebrow.

 

“Funny. He told me I should stop overthinking this.”

 

The blonde laughed.

 

“If I didn’t know better,” she grinned “I’d think Clark was trying to set us up. Giving us all this relationship advice. He must be bored.”

 

Lena laughed as well.

 

“Does that mean we’re in a relationship then?”

 

The blonde smirked and walked forward.

 

“Are you asking to be my girlfriend? We might be moving a bit fast.” She responded with a wink.

 

“Kara,” Lena whispered.

 

“Hmmmm?”

 

“As much as I would like to continue this conversation… you’re beginning to smell.”

 

Kara looked affronted and leaned back, while Lena laughed.

 

“I do not!”

 

“How about you have a shower, and I’ll come get you for dinner?”

 

“Fine! Don’t be late” Kara huffed, entering her bathroom.

 

“And close the door on your way out!” She shouted.

 

* * *

 

Lena had just finished brushing her hair when she heard a knock on her door. She opened it to see a gleaming Kara. Her lips twitched in amusement at the blonde’s eager expression.

 

“I know you asked me to dinner, but I’ve decided that as I’m going to be wooing you-“

 

“You’re  _wooing_  me?”

 

“Yes... Anyway, I decided it was my job to walk you to dinner, instead of the other way around.”

 

Lena smirked at the blonde but her expression changed to a pure smile when Kara pulled an assortment of flowers out from behind her back.

 

“I know they’re not from a florist, so the arrangement won’t be nice. And we’re going to have to improvise a vase, I brought a plastic bottle, but I thought ‘what does someone do when wooing someone else?’ and obviously we’re a bit restricted in here but we still have flowers available from the garden-“

 

“Kara!” Lena laughed out.

 

“You can breathe. They’re beautiful.”

 

Kara beamed and handed the flowers over without another word. She was right of course, they weren’t beautifully arranged and most of the stems were random lengths. But the other woman had clearly put an effort into the colour scheme, making sure she had a rainbow assortment.

 

“You know, I think the only flowers that I’ve ever been brought by dates have been roses. These are much better.”

 

She took the offered water bottle and filled it with water and placed the improvised vase with the flowers on her bedside table.

 

“It’ll be nice to have something brighten up the room.”

 

She closed the door and they began to make the familiar walk towards the mess. The others had already started eating when they arrived. Sam was moodier than usual today and chose to ignore their entry. Mike gave them a nod before continuing to slurp his spaghetti. Clark, who was eating with far more grace, gave them a simple smile with a twinkle in his eyes.

 

Lena was beginning to think the man did have super hearing, that or he could read minds.

 

Kara and Lena both ate their dinner quietly, occasionally exchanging glances. But this time when Lena traced her hand over Kara’s knee, she didn’t jump, her smile merely deepened. Sam decided to join Clark and Mike for a card game and the boys pleaded with their eyes for the other women to join them. But the girls decided to leave them to handle the grumpy brunette themselves and headed back down the hall to their rooms.

 

Kara was the first to break the silence. 

 

“So what are your favourite flowers? Just for future reference, for when I take you out on a date in the 'real world'.”

 

Lena paused them in the corridor, holding onto Kara’s arm.

 

“You want to go out with me when we get out of here?”

 

Kara blinked at her dumbly.

 

“Well…yeah.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Kara gave her a soft smile.

 

“What did you think? That I was only interested in you as long as we were in here? I’m pretty sure you being here has actually given me the advantage dating-wise. I actually have a chance with you in here,” she finished quietly.

 

Now it was Lena’s turn to correct the other woman.

 

“What do you think?  _I’d_  only be interested in you because we’re in here? I can assure you if you had come wandering into my office asking for an interview, you would have left with a quote  _and_  my number.”

 

Lena gently reached up and pushed a loose strand of hair behind the other woman’s ear.

 

“But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy we met here.” She sighed and Kara gave her a puzzled look.

 

“If I’d met you a few years ago, I would have chewed you up and spat you out.”

 

“I’m stronger than I look.”

 

Lena scoffed.

 

“Trust me, you look plenty strong. But I know what I was like, and I would have been terrified to have you in my life. You care far too much about me.” Her voice finished sadly, eyes drifting to the floor.

 

Kara grasped her chin with strong fingers and forced their gazes to meet.

 

“Nobody could ever care too much about you Lena.”

 

The green-eyed woman gasped, her eyes fluttering to look at Kara’s lips. She swore the blonde’s face was moving in, but when she blinked Kara had leaned back and had instead intertwined their fingers together.

 

“Come on,” she said, beginning to tug them back down the hall.

 

“It’s my duty to see you safely to your door. Who knows who could be roaming the halls.”

 

Lena laughed at Kara’s teasing.

 

“I highly doubt muggers are hiding behind the corners. And I can more than handle myself.

 

It was Kara’s turn to laugh.

 

“Considering your interactions with Sam, I don’t doubt it.”

 

They stood once again outside Lena’s door and Kara hesitated, before again raising their intertwined fingers to kiss Lena’s hand.

 

“Good night,” she said moving to let go of Lena’s hand, but the dark-haired woman tightened her fingers and pulled her back towards her.

 

“If we were in the ‘real world' and I went on a date with you, what would we do?”

 

Kara gathered her thoughts before replying with a half smile.

 

“I would arrive at your door with your favourite flowers, plumerias.”

 

“Hmmm, how kind of you to remember.”

 

“I would take you to dinner, but not to a fancy restaurant.”

 

“No?”

 

“No, that would be too impersonal. You’ve probably seen every menu in every fancy restaurant in the whole city. I’d take you to my apartment.”

 

“Presumptuous.”

 

“Thoughts out of the gutter Lena, come on. I’d order in chinese, from my favourite place. We’d order enough for ten, because I eat for nine. I’d even share my potstickers with you, and I never do that because they’re my favourite food in the world. But no matter what, I’d get a good bottle of wine, because potstickers should always be paired with a good red. Then I’d watch a movie with you, probably Disney, on my shitty old couch. And we’d both fall asleep together on it. And in the morning, when we woke up, I would make you pancakes. And because it would be a Sunday, we could go to the museum or an art gallery. I would take you to the Zoo but, as you know, I’ve been banned since the budgerigar incident. Then afterwards, I would walk you home.”

 

“What then?”

 

“Then… I would ask if I could take you out again. Maybe to the carnival when it came to town.”

 

“Nothing else?”

 

“Do  _you_  want there to be something else?”

 

Kara had leaned in again during their conversation, her blue eyes darkening.

 

Oh fuck it, Lena thought.

 

She quickly looked around the corridor quickly before fumbling with the doorknob and yanking Kara in behind her. Lena shut the door and pinned Kara against it. And this time she was the one to lean in.

 

“What if I want you to kiss me?”

 

She yelped as Kara spun them around, changing their position. She braced her hands against the door on either side of Lena’s face. And when her lips were a hairbreadth away, she replied in a whisper.

 

“I would ask, if we were going to fast.”

 

“And I’d say no.” Lena whispered back.

 

The blonde crashed her lips against hers and Lena felt like a dam wall had broken inside of her. She responded eagerly and Kara moaned against her and her hands drifted to the brunette's waist. Lena’s heart was pounding against her chest. Kara tasted like sunshine and chocolate with a hint of spice. Lena draped her arms around the other woman’s neck, desperate to pull her as close as possible. She finally gasped and broke the kiss when she felt the blonde’s leg slip between her’s.

 

The blonde rested her forehead against the brunette's and breathed heavily.

 

“Too fast?” She asked cheekily and Lena gave her a playful swat on the shoulder.

 

“No, but it was intense.”

 

Kara’s eyes softened and she leaned in for another kiss.

 

This one was gentle and chaste, with only a small parting of their mouths before she pulled away again.

 

“I’ve wanted to do that, since the second I first saw you,” she whispered in Lena’s ear.  “Clark would tell me that you’re my kryptonite.”

 

“What? I make you want to throw up!”

 

“What! No! And how do you know what kryptonite is?”

 

Lena shrugged her shoulders.

 

“When you talk to him for extended periods of time it comes up.”

 

“Oh…well ok. But obviously, you don’t make me want to throw up.”

 

“From the way you just kissed me, I sure hope not.”

 

“You’re a smartass, you know that?”

 

Lena smirked before capturing Kara’s lips again for a quick kiss.

 

“One of my most attractive qualities I’m told.”

 

“Stop sidetracking me. I’m trying to tell you that you make me feel human. Sometimes I really do feel like an alien among people. Like I’m functioning on a different plane of reality than everyone else. But when I’m with you… it’s like everything just aligns. I know we don’t know each other that well or for that long, but there's just something about you.”

 

Lena was lost for words at Kara’s honesty. She’d never had anyone talk to her like this before. And everything from her blue eyes was so raw, Lena didn’t hesitate to believe her.

 

“I need you to know…. that I’ve been hurt before. I’ve over-invested in a lot of people, and they all let me down.”

 

“Lena, I would-“

 

“I know,” she cut her off placing a finger over her lips.  “But I don’t want you to what I did. I don’t want you to fall in love with me.”

 

“Why? What are you afraid of?”

 

“Of hurting you.”

 

“Oh Lena,” Kara said pulling her into a hug.

 

“I won’t tell you that you won’t. I won’t tell you that I won’t. But if there's one I’velearnedd since being in here, is that life’s going to hurt you regardless of what we do to stop it. All we can do for ourselves, and for each other, is to try to make it hurt a little less.”

 

Lena stared up into Kara’s eyes and sighed.

 

“Did you get that from a self help book?” She asked with a smirk.

 

“Alright, forget what I said. Clearly all you want is to hurt me.”

 

Lena laughed before pulling Kara back down into a long and deep kiss.

 

When they finally broke apart, the blonde spoke softly.

 

“I should get going… it’d be bad if I was caught in your room with the door closed.”

 

“Ok.” Lena replied.

 

The brunette stuck her head out of the doorway and looked around. And when she saw the hall was free, she allowed Kara to slip through. Before Kara walked back to her room she leaned in for a final quick kiss and whispered goodbye.

 

“Nothing but good days, remember?”

 

“I remember.”

 

And when Lena fell asleep that night she dreamt she was being carried in strong arms and was flying across the sky.

 

* * *

 

She had her best nights sleep in years. Not that she'd ever had trouble sleeping through the night, but she always woke up exhausted. It was true she hardly ever went to bed early. It used to be because she partied until four am in the morning, but for the last year she stayed up to the early hours of the morning doing paperwork. But no matter how many hours she slept, she always felt like staying in bed for longer.

But not today. Today she woke up by herself without the use of an alarm to find the early morning sunlight creeping through the curtains. She stretched and took a quick shower, reasoning that for once she would have time to get in a chapter before breakfast. And when she walked out of the shower, she noticed a slip of paper under her bedroom door. She frowned when she picked it up, but quickly smiled when she realised it was from Kara.

 

_Dear Lena,_

 

_I’ve decided that part of my job as the official wooer in this relationship (I know we didn’t confirm that so I apologise for assuming) is to tell you everyday how incredible you are._

 

_Just in case you forget :)_

 

_So, since today is day one, I’ll go for the obvious way to tell you and write it down._

 

_As I said last night, I know we haven’t known each other that long, but I feel like I’ve known you for longer. In the brief time you’ve been here, I feel like I have reconnected back to reality stronger than the two previous years. You are the only person here who has successfully stood up to same (and that includes the nurses!) That proves that you are an incredible person in my books._

 

_You’re also incredibly kind. I know that Clark’s schizophrenia scares you, I can see it in your eyes whenever you look at him, but despite that you treat him like a normal person. Something I know he appreciates, and makes my heart flutter. It may sound ridiculous but it truly is a beautiful thing to see another human being be so considerate. Particularly around something they don’t fully understand. It is an incredibly brave thing. And again, it reinforces how incredible you are._

 

_To wrap up the letter, I just want to remind you how amazing you are to make the decision to get help. I struggled and fought with the idea that I needed help for a long time, and sometimes I still think I don’t need it. So it is an incredibly inspiring thing for me to see, and adds to my own motivation to self improve. For that, you are incredible._

 

_Anyway, I’ll save you a seat at breakfast._

 

_And I hope you have a good day!_

 

_Kara_

 

 

Lena couldn’t help but let a tear fall when she finished reading it and pressed the letter against her heart. She couldn’t quite believe how much joy Kara was bringing to her life. In her time her, she was beginning to feel happier than she had in years. It was like the blonde was a part of her therapy.

 

An essential, beautiful part.

 

She folded the letter gently and pressed it within the pages of her own journal. She would hate to lose it, she knew she already treasured the words more than the priceless Luthor jewellery.

 

She was still smiling moonlily when she heard a knock on her door. Lena jumped up ecstatic, determined to pull Kara into her room for another round of kissing.

 

Her beaming expression slid off her face when she opened the door to find a grim faced Jonn standing on the other side.

 

“Good Morning Lena.”

 

“Uhh… morning,” Lena replied awkwardly.

 

“Can I come in? I need to talk with you about your relationship with Kara Danvers.”

 

And just like that, all the joy and happiness Lena had woken up with, slipped from her heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well let me know what you guys think :) Leave a comment below!


	6. Dispute Not With Her: She is a Lunatic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And voila, another chapter up as fast as I could write it. Let me know what you guys think, I love to read the comments :)

Kara was a corny soul. She liked to get and give flowers and chocolates. She loved watching silly romcoms. She used cheesy pickup lines for everything, whether it was pretty girls, handsome guys or to get free takeaway. She liked to think she was a charmer. 

 

So after the perfect night of kissing Lena…. Yes, she kissed Lena. Gorgeous, beautiful, dreamy Lena.  She figured writing her a beautiful letter would be an excellent way to set the standard for how ridiculously romantic she was going to be. And of course, she had assigned herself the designated wooer of the relationship. She had a feeling that not enough people had told the green-eyed woman how amazing she was. And though she couldn’t take that away, she could jam pack the rest of Lena’s stay (and hopefully later) with affirmations of how important she was.

 

Due to all the romantic excitement bubbling around in her head, she woke up at a ridiculously early time after only four hours of sleep. She bounced around her room, wrote her letter to Lena, scribbled down in her journal and wrote a poem about the colour green. She had a quick shower and at five o’clock snuck out of her room to tuck the letter under Lena’s door. She waited another hour before she headed down the hall to the mess room, completely and ridiculously excited about the prospect of seeing Lena at breakfast.

 

She was still beaming when Sam, Clark and Mike wandered in respectively. But as the minutes ticked towards the the seventh hour, her smile began to fade. Her eyes drifted from the door to the clock every couple of seconds.When Winn walked in at five past with the breakfast trays, Kara noticed there were only four on the trolley. 

 

“Ummm… Winn? Do you know where Lena is?” She asked hesitantly.

 

The rest of the group also suddenly seemed to realise that Lena wasn’t in attendance and also looked at Winn for an answer.

 

He shifted uncomfortably under their questioning gazes.

 

“Oh, I served her breakfast in her room.”

 

Mike and Clark exchanged heavy looks and Sam smirked at her plate. Kara noticed and narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

 

Winn interrupted the weird air.

 

“Come on guys. Don’t fret it. Now, lets go, you know the drill.”

 

He watched them all take their meds and the second he left Sam let out a laugh.

 

“Oh fuck. Bitchy McRichy pissed someone off.”

 

“What the fuck are you talking about Sam.”

 

The brunette woman gave her a mocking smirk before she replied.

 

“Oh….nothing.”

 

Kara felt her palm twitch and was ready to do something drastic when she heard a voice in her head that sounded suspiciously like Alex

 

_Kara, you need to calm down_

 

She breathed in deeply and asked Sam again.

 

“What are you talking about Arias.”

 

The brunette smiled and leaned forward.

 

“Your new girlfriend’s self-committed right? It’d be a shame if someone caught her sneaking you into her room last night. You know the rules…”

 

Kara’s face went white and she stood up from her chair and was ready to run to Lena’s room. Clark was to one who blocked her path out the door.

 

“Kara, you need to calm down. I think you’ve been infected with Red Kryptonite.”

 

The blonde was usually understanding of Clark’s flights of fancy, but she was too pissed off to handle it today.

 

“Fucking move Clark! There’s no such thing as Kryptonite! You’re not Superman! Just get out of my way! I just need to see Lena!”

 

Mike stood up this time and moved between her and the clean-shaven man.

 

“Kara, keep your voice down,” he hissed. “Do you want to get assessed as aggressive? Calm down. Just wait until after breakfast and go see if Lena’s in her room. Flying off the handle doesn’t help her or you.”

 

The bearded man stared her down and Kara slowly felt her heart rate relax. She began to feel guilty for her outburst at Clark.

 

“Clark,” she said turning her gaze to the dark-haired man. “I’m sorry.”

 

The schizophrenic man didn’t look at her and simply sat down and continued eating his breakfast.

 

Kara and Mike both sat down as well, and oddly, Sam looked happier then she had in the whole time she’d been here. She talked about Kara going off her meds, and Lena leaving and never talking to her again. All of which Kara did her best to ignore. She could hardly afford to get a black mark on her record by bashing the other woman’s head in with a food tray.

 

The second Winn returned and left with their empty plates, Kara lunged out the mess and skidded to a halt in front of Lena’s door. Mindful of Mike’s warnings, not to make a scene, she gently knocked.

 

“Lena, its’s Kara.”

 

No one answered so the blonde knocked again.

 

“Lena? Are you ok?”

 

Again, no reply.

 

“Lena? What’s happening? You can tell me,” she pleaded through the door.

 

“Kara?”

 

The blonde jumped from her position at the door and turned to face a curious Nurse Jess.

 

“Oh, Hi Jess!” Kara said in a ridiculously high tone. “How are you? How are the cats?”

 

Jess looked at Kara suspiciously before she turned her gaze to the door.

 

“They’re fine… What are you doing?”

 

“Oh nothing,” Kara said making a joking face.

 

“You know, just looking to see where Lena is. What’s she’s up to…” 

 

The nurse was slowly raising an eyebrow at the strange tone of Kara’s voice. The blonde cleared her throat and shuffled awkwardly.

 

“Yeah… so I’ll just be getting back to my room then.” 

 

Jess interrupted her shamble.

 

“You have an appointment with Dr. Jones in five minutes, remember?”

 

“What, pshhh. Of course I remember! I was just going to… brush my teeth!”

 

The nurse looked at her strangely before nodding.

 

“Ok…”

 

Kara closed the door to her own room and leant against it. Her heart rate was beginning to pick up again. Where was Lena? Why hadn’t she answered her door? Was she even in her room? Had she been kicked out? Ok Kara, breathe, just… breathe. Relax. You don’t know anything yet, there’s no point jumping to conclusions. You learned the hard way not to do that. You were an investigatory journalist for God’s sake. You just need to gather some intel.

 

Right, just some intel.

 

Kara quickly splashed her face with some water, before exiting and making her way down to Jonn’s room. 

 

An ‘enter’ sounded when she knocked and she opened the door. Jonn looked up from his paperwork and gestured her to have a seat. Kara squirmed in her chair for the next thirty seconds as Jonn finished his paperwork and it was the longest half a minute of her life. 

 

Relax.

 

He finally turned from his desk and handed her a cookie without even asking if she wanted one. Jonn once told her that he had to increase his supply of cookies ten fold since she had arrived. Her record was ten cookies in one session, something that caused the man to grumble to himself for five minutes.

 

“So Kara. How have you been traveling with the new dosage? Any problems you’ve been noting?”

 

Kara’s thoughts flickered briefly. Maybe Lena was ok? Sam might have just been shit stirring. Surely if she had told Jonn, he would have brought that up first.

 

“Kara?”

 

The blonde realised her concentration had drifted off.

 

“Sorry, my mind was on… breakfast.”

 

Jonn raised an eyebrow, but didn’t comment on her odd excuse.

 

“So, how is the medication?”

 

“Good,” Kara answered. “I think so anyway. I feel calmer and more steady. But it’s only been two weeks, so it might all be in my head,” she finished with a crooked smile.

 

“That’s good to hear. The reports I’ve been getting back from the nurses and the psychologists have been positive. I hear from them that your focus seems to be a lot better. Also you haven’t had a single incident with Ms Arias in two weeks, which is progress. Do you think your irritation has lessened because of the medication?”

 

That or Lena, Kara thought.

 

“Yes, I’m definitely noticing a change in my mood.”

 

Like nearly panicking this morning and basically yelling at Clark.

 

“I think it was a good idea to adjust it.”

 

Jonn face changed from thoughtful, to pleasantly surprised.

 

“Well, that’s certainly a change of thought from when we’ve adjusted it in the past. You’ve always seemed to get very frustrated with the lack of progress.”

 

The blonde frowned down at her shoes.

 

“Well.. I guess I’m just starting to realise that all I really want is to get better. If I have stay in here five more years to do it, I will.”

 

The older man gave her a warm grin.

 

“While it’s really good to hear that you have a newfound determination to get better, I seriously doubt you’ll be here for five more years.”

 

“Oh?” Kara asked hopefully. “Out in a month then?”

 

The broad man laughed. “You never know Kara. I’m glad to see you optimistic!”

 

Jonn’s smile faded and he took on a more serious expression.

 

“Your sister called me yesterday.”

 

Kara eyed him sharply and the edge of tension returned to her mind.

 

“About what?”

 

The big man smiled and he rubbed his hand down his face.

 

“She was concerned that you might be developing romantic feelings for Lena. And as you know, it is forbidden to have a relationship with another patient. If something of that nature occurred, there would be serious ramifications for both of your stays here.”

 

Kara’s eyes widened and she felt a wave of anger crash through her body. She couldn’t believe her sister had done that. She fought to let none of her rage show on her face and merely allowed herself a brief clench of her fingers.

 

“Lena and I are just friends,” she said with a straight face. “She’s really helped me in the last couple of weeks.”

 

Jonn stared at her intently. 

 

“The nurses and Maggie have both noted that you two spend a lot of time together.”

 

“Well it’s nice to have a friend to talk to about… girl stuff.”

 

Jonn stared at her for half a minute.

 

“…girl stuff?”

 

“Yeah, you know. Lucy was like my best friend and it was hard when she left, so when Lena came we just clicked I guess. She’s a really good friend.”

 

Jonn still looked a bit suspicious, but conceded.

 

“Well, like I told Lena this morning, if anything of that nature occurred there are steps that would have to be taken. Remember Kara, that it would go on your record and she would probably have to leave.”

 

Wait, Jonn had talked to Lena this morning? Was that why she’d had breakfast in her room? But why didn’t she answer the door?

 

“Yes. I understand Jonn. But we’re just friends, nothing like that is ever going to happen.”

 

The man nodded and ended the conversation.

 

“Anything else you would like to talk about then today?”

 

Kara shook her head and the big man walked her out the door while confirming her next appointment.

 

“Have a good day Kara.”

 

She walked down the hall as casually as possible and headed back towards Lena’s room. She was determined to talk to the other woman about what had happened this morning and was so distracted, she nearly walked into Sam.

 

“We’re you going in such a rush puppy? Trying to save your relationship from fizzling out?”

 

Kara stared at the other woman’s smug expression and said coldly.

 

“What the fuck is your problem?”

 

“Oh me?” Sam said placing a hand across her chest innocently. “I just can’t stand to see rules being brokenly so flauntingly. There I was, walking back to my room after I quickly realised the boys were going to be even more boring then usual. And what did I see? The brunette bitch pulling you into her room and closing the door. My, my. How naughty.”

 

Kara’s face grew hot and her eyes narrowed but before she did anything a flash of realisation crossed her brain.

 

“Why didn’t you say anything then?”

 

Arias’ eyes grew a fraction.

 

“Who says I didn’t?”

 

“I do. Because Jonn didn’t bring it up in our conversation. And you won’t.”

 

The other woman’s eyes grew hard and she hissed out, “Don’t presume to know me puppy.”

 

Kara laughed mockingly.

 

“Oh no, you won’t. Because if you did, I would accuse you of lying. And you know who they’re going to believe? Me. Because your a pathological liar you fucking sociopath.”

 

Arias looked ready to hit her, but instead turned and stormed off down the hall and slammed the door of her own room.

 

Kara walked the last few metres towards Lena’s bedroom and knocked on the door.

 

“Lena? I talked to Jonn. Don’t worry, I didn’t say anything… are you ok though? Lena?”

 

There wasn’t a single sound from inside the room and Kara waited silently for a few more minutes before sighing and returning to her own room. She was quickly becoming frustrated with the whole situation. She sat down on her bed and stared out the window. She stayed there for a few minutes feeing gloomy and pissed. Everything had been going so well and then fucking Alex had to call and rat her out. Who the hell dis she think she was? The blonde sat steaming for a few more minutes before she made a decision and picked up the phone on her bedside table.

 

“Danvers.” Came her sister’s brisk voice.

 

“Alex.” Kara replied back coldly.

 

There was a pause on the other end of the line.

 

“What’s up Kara?”

 

“What the fuck Alex. What the hell is wrong with you!”

 

She could hear her sister sigh on the other end of the line.

 

“Kara, I was just-“

 

“Save it Alex,” Kara bit out. “How dare you do that! Lena is self committed, you could have gotten her thrown out! Did you even think about that?”

 

“Kara, my job is to look out for your best interests. I knew you were going to do something with this girl, I could hear it in your voice!”

 

“It’s none of your business Alex!”

 

“Yes it is!” Her sister yelled back down the line.“I have to make sure that you are ok-“

 

“Not anymore Alex.”

 

A pause.

 

“What are you saying Kara?”

 

“Don’t come up here tomorrow Alex. I don’t want to see you.”

 

“Kara,” Alex sighed. “Of course I’m going to be there.”

 

“If you come, Alex, I’ll refuse to see you. They can’t force me to talk to you. Don’t. Come.” She finished before hanging up the phone.

 

She buried her head in the pillow and began to cry.

 

* * *

 

Lena wasn’t at lunch. 

 

All of this was causing Kara to become even more upset. She wasn’t talking to her sister and Lena seemed to be avoiding her. Last night had been perfect and today was turning into a complete train wreck. When she wandered into group late, feeling totally dejected, she got a shock to see that Lena was there along with everyone else. Kara smiled at her, but the green eyed woman didn’t even look up. She was sitting in between Mike and Clark, so Kara was forced to sit next to Sam. 

 

Kara felt a wave of guilt when she looked at Clark. She could kick herself for what she said to the sweet tempered man this morning. He had only been trying to help, like always. Sam looked like she was in a foul mood and when the blonde sat next to her, she could practically feel the waves of toxicity rolling off her. Mike looked at her with an easy smile, so at least there was one member of their group who wasn’t ignoring her. Lena looked calm enough, apart from avoiding her gaze determinedly.

 

“So now that everyone is here, let’s get started on today’s topic: letting go of anger. Now I’m sure everyone here has experienced anger in their lives. Some of you are in here because of actions you took in anger, so it’s important to learn how to forgive and let go. Now, I want to be clear that forgiving doesn’t mean that you condone. Forgiveness merely brings a peace to yourself that helps you move on with your life. But it’s not healthy to hang on to your anger because it festers inside and can ruin your psychological and physical health. And if you don’t let go of the feelings of resentment and bitterness, they can take hold of your life and effect your future. Now forgiveness doesn’t mean the other person will change, or that you will have a reconciliation. Sometimes, the person we are most angry at is ourself, and is often the most difficult to forgive. But all anger, when held onto, does is poison ourselves.”

 

Maggie looked around at the group before continuing.

 

“Now I’d like everyone to talk about something or someone they are angry at or about. A how they think they should, or have, let go of that anger. Why don’t we start with you Mike.”

 

Mike drew in a deep breath before answering.

 

“Well, for a long time I was really angry with my father. My mother is a very dominating person who wants to control every aspect of my life. Who I date, what I do. And my father has always let this happen. He’s always been a passive, silent witness and never done anything. I guess I grew resentful and angry. I lashed out by not behaving the way my parents wanted and flying off the deep end I guess. But all my parents did was buy off the newspapers and cover it up. My mom never understood that I didn’t want to be a part of the family business, she insisted that I was just ‘rebeling’. And as usual, my dad never said anything.”

 

The bearded man sighed before continuing with a calm look on his face.

 

“But, I learned to forgive my father. Sure, I still think he should have been a more active parent. But if I spend the rest of my life reacting to that rather than focusing on my own future, I’m never going to escape the cycle. So I’m letting go. For my sake, not their's.”

 

The rest of the group nodded at Mike’s words and Kara began to think of the people, and things, in her life she was angry at. It seems the list grew today, she thought wryly.

 

“Thank you Mike for sharing that. And again, I’d just like to commend you on your progress here. You’ve really come such a long way. Ok then, how about you Clark?”

 

The tall man sat contemplatively for a few minutes before answering and Kara wondered what the calm man would be angry at. Well, probably her now she thought guiltily.

 

“I’m angry at myself. Because I’m in here and what that is doing to my wife. I’m not the man she saw herself with when we got married.”

 

“But it’s not your fault Clark. You have a mental illness remember? You’re here to get better.” Mike said reassuringly.

 

“I know,” Clark answered. “I came here willingly because my wife asked, and I would do anything for her. But it’s still hard. I wish I wasn’t like this. I’m angry at what this means for her. She has a husband in a mental ward. I can’t support her like I should. I can’t do anything.”

 

There was silence, before Lena spoke in a soft voice.

 

“But you _are_ doing something. You’re in here, trying to become better. Better for her. You choose to stay everyday, because thats what you want. It takes an extraordinary person to do that.” 

 

At the end of her sentence, Kara could have sworn Lena’s eyes flickered briefly to her before looking away.

 

The clean shaven man smiled and thanked the brunette.

 

“Thanks Lena. Sometimes I forget, its a struggle, but I know I’m doing the right thing.”

 

“Well thank you for sharing Clark. Sam would you like to go next?”

 

The angry woman glared at Maggie in silence, but the psychologist merely stared back waiting for a response.

 

“No.” She muttered bitterly.

 

Maggie let out a small sigh.

 

“Sam-“

 

“I said no!” 

 

The brunette jumped from her chair and fled the room. The rest of the group stared after her, but Maggie merely continued unfazed.

 

“It’s important to give people space when they need it guys. Good lesson to learn. Ok then, how about you Lena?”

 

Kara turned her gaze and stared intently at the beautiful woman, who was still refusing to look in her direction. The brunette let out a deep sigh and hesitated, her fingers twitching. She seemed to come to a decision though and began to speak in a clear voice.

 

“I’m angry at my brother.”

 

The blonde blinked. She didn’t know Lena had a brother… but then again, did she really know much about Lena? The brunette had been notoriously unbecoming with information about herself and Kara had never pushed. She wanted to let Lena come to the blonde herself, instead of haranguing her.

 

“My brother, Lex, he committed suicide a few years ago.”

 

There was a silence in the group and Kara processed the information. Wait a minute Lex and Lena… she knew those names. 

 

Kara’s eyes widened in shock. Lena was Lena Luthor. CEO of L-Corp. A billionaire genius. The blonde knew she was smart, and obviously from money the way she carried herself. But a Luthor… And that meant her brother was Lex Luthor. Kara remembered seeing it on the news in here. He hadn’t just killed himself. Lex had blown himself, and fifteen other people, up in the lobby of his own building.

 

Kara must of been shocked, because she only just realised then that Lena was looking at her and gaging her reaction. The blonde blinked at her, still stunned, and the CEO turned from her with a hint of disappointment in her eyes.

 

Oh shit, Kara could have kicked herself. Now Lena thought that the blonde was judging her. She wanted to jump across the room, sweep Lena into a hug and tell her that she would never think that is was the youngest Luthor’s fault. But she couldn’t do that, without it becoming ridiculously obvious to Maggie that she definitely had romantic feelings for the green eyed woman.

 

Lena continued after her brief pause.

 

“When he died, he left me to hold the bag. I had to take on everything. The family company, the press attention and my mother who had always loved him more. I couldn’t understand why he had left me and I was so angry that he did. But now I know and accept that like me, he was sick. And I can’t hold onto my anger,” she finished with a sigh.

 

Kara stared at her and took in the tired sag of her shoulders. Well no wonder the other woman always looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders, she basically did.

 

The blonde was lost in her thoughts…she had to make Lena understand that she wasn’t going to dump her for being a Luthor. Lena was a good person, that was all that mattered. She’d drifted off so much, she didn’t realise that Maggie was staring at her expectantly.

 

“Oh, sorry Maggie. Who am I angry with? Ummmm….” Kara searched her brain for a way to get through to Lena, when the solution hit her.

 

“My sister. I’m angry with my sister.”

 

“Ok, why are you angry with her?”

 

Kara couldn’t help let her gaze drift to Lena’s, and she realised that the other woman was staring at the ceiling intently. The blonde felt a spark of irritation.

 

“Before I came her, I was trying to enter a relationship with someone.”

 

And just like that, Lena’s gaze snapped to Kara’s and the blonde saw a hint of possessiveness which made her want to preen.

 

“Alex always thinks that she knows what is best for me. She’s been trying to micromanage my life. I know she does it out of love, but it still hurts. The person I was interested in was from work and relationships in the office weren’t… encouraged. So we were trying to keep it on the down low. Anyway, my sister thought I should be focusing on my career instead of getting involved with this person. So she went behind my back and called my boss, saying that I liked this person. My boss spoke to the person I was interested in and I think the conversation scared them off and they avoided me after that. I just wished that my sister could understand what she did was wrong. It was my choice about who I become involved with. It has absolutely nothing to do with her.”

 

Kara knew that Lena wasn’t stupid, she clearly understood that the blonde was talking about their relationship. She hoped for a small smile or nod in acknowledgement, but the green eyed woman’s mouth merely tightened a fraction and she averted her gaze again.

 

“Do you think you're ready to let go of your anger with your sister?”

 

The blonde’s gaze drifted from Lena to Maggie and she responded dryly.

 

“It’s a struggle. It still feels… fresh.”

 

Maggie began talking to the rest of the group to wrap up, but the blonde’s attention drifted off again and she turned back to Lena.

 

The psychologist had no sooner said the words that they could go, when Lena jumped and bolted out of the room like a rabbit. Kara followed behind her as quickly as possible and almost caught up with her when the CEO reached her room and closed the door on Kara’s nose.

 

The blonde began to knock.

 

“Lena, please talk to me” she pleaded through the door.

 

There was no reply on the other side, just like this morning. Kara began to feel tears prickling in the corners of her eyes. All she wanted to do was talk, to find out what was going on in Lena’s head. How she could fix it.

 

“Lena…” She whispered pressing up to the door as close as she could. 

 

“I’m sorry… tell me how to fix it.”

 

Kara heard a choked sob on the other side of the door and her heart broke.

 

“Lena, I can fix it.”

 

“No,” came a shaky voice from the other side of the door. “You can’t. Please, just go away.”

 

“Lena….” she pleaded.

 

“Go away Kara.”

 

The blonde sighed sadly and leant her head against the door briefly, before she whispered one last thing.

 

“You deserve all the good days Lena, remember?”

 

Silence.

 

* * *

 

Kara was in a depressed mood for the rest of the day. Lena didn’t show up for dinner that night either and the blonde sat in a gloomy silence while she poked her veggies around her plate. The rest of the table seemed equally glum. Clark and Sam, both sat staring down at their own plates, a sad expression and an angry expression respectively. Mike also sat in silence, clearly picking up on the mood. Nobody asked if they would play a game that evening and they all went back to their rooms in silence. The blonde had a fitful nights sleep, tossing up whether she should stay put, or break down the door of Lena’s room. 

 

She opted for sleep.

 

The next day was visitation. After breakfast, again no Lena, Kara decided to spend the day reading in her room. She was pretty sure that Alex wouldn’t attempt to visit today and was surprised when Nurse Vasquez came around and told her she had a visitor. Kara had half a mind to ignore her sister and not go, but she quickly felt a pang of guilt at the idea of Alex driving all the way out here. She still walked into the visitation room determined to chew her sister out in person, but when she looked around no redhead was present. 

 

Instead, she was nearly knocked over by a blur of dark hair that wrapped her in a hug.

 

“Hey dork. Didn’t think you’s see me again did ya?”

 

“Oh my gosh, Lucy? You came!” Kara nearly squealed as she gripped the youngest Lane sister in a tight hug and spun her around.

 

When she put her down, Lucy was looking up at her with a grin.

 

“Sure I did, I told you I’d come with Lois,” she said gesturing to her sister who was sitting with Clark and talking quietly.

 

“So tell me babe, how boring has this place been since I left?”

 

At Lucy’s question Kara promptly burst into the tears causing the younger Lane to hurriedly sit her down in a chair.

 

“Hey, hey… I mean I knew you would miss me, being forced to hangout with Sam without a buffer, but I didn’t think it would be this bad. Do you need me to have a relapse with my bulimia? Cause I will for you Kara.”

 

Kara chuckled watery and mock slapped the shorter woman’s shoulder.

 

“Don’t joke about that dip shit. I’m not upset, I’m just happy you’re here.”

 

Lucy looked unconvinced and pressed the blonde for the truth.

 

“Don’t pull that BS on me Danvers, I know when something’s bothering you. Spill.”

 

Kara briefly considered not telling the short haired woman, but caved under the no-nonsense look. She blurted out everything that had happened since Lucy’s departure. Lena’s arrival, the kiss, her medication adjustment, pushing Sam in the lake (which made Lucy burst into laughter) and what her sister had done.

 

“And now,” Kara finished wiping her last tears way. “I don’t know what to do. She won’t talk to me.”

 

“Oh don’t worry about that,” Lucy said waving away Kara’s concern. “From what you’ve told me, that girl’s got it bad for you. Just let her come to you Kara. Don’t chase her, give her room to breathe.”

 

The blonde gave a wet chuckled.

 

“Now you sound like Clark.”

 

The younger Lane shot her brother in law and her sister a quick glance. They were holding hands across the table. 

 

“Well…he’s a wise fellow. Just don’t tell him I said that.”

 

Lucy turned her gaze back to the teary blonde and reached across and grabbed her hand as well. 

 

“Hey now, it’ll all work out. And don’t worry about your meds. You might get a high out of it.. you never know!”

 

Kara laughed for real then.

 

“I’d be on the floor, not on a high, if they gave me too much Lucy.”

 

“A girl can dream babe. The point is, it’ll all be ok. You won’t be here forever. Pretty soon you’ll be out and you and me can hit the clubs. Or the food halls of America, either one.”

 

Lucy squeezed her friend’s hand and gave her a reassuring look.

 

“But what if my sister’s right? That I shouldn’t get involved with someone in here. That I should focus on my treatment.

 

The brunette sighed before responding.

 

“No offence to your sister, but fuck that.”

 

Kara blinked at her in surprise, but Lane continued unfazed.

 

“Look, you’re a smart cookie. Luthor sounds like she’s got a good head on her shoulders as well. You know not to become to co-dependant. But honey, in life you’re gonna have to lean on someone at some point. Otherwise you’re just gonna end up back here.” Lucy said, gesturing around the room.

 

“You don’t choose when love hits you, it chooses you. You like this girl, she likes you. That’s all there is to it. I’m not saying jump each others bones in the mop closet, not that I’m opposed, but there’s no point pretending that you don’t want to either”

 

The blonde took in her friends words seriously. She knew in her heart, that she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from being attracted to the other woman. And in all honesty, it would probably be far more detrimental than helpful to her health. But, she knew this wasn’t just her decision. Lena had to make it clear she wanted this too.

 

“Ok Luce, I hear you.”

 

Lucy smiled at her friend’s acceptance of her words.

 

“Right, now that we’ve dealt with your shit, let’s talk about me. After all, I’m far more important. So I got this job as an associate at a law firm in National City. And that’ll be really awesome, because when you get out…”

 

* * *

 

Kara felt a lot more relaxed after Lucy’s visit. She also felt a great amount of pleasure announcing the fact that Lucy had turned up at dinner (which Lena didn’t attend again). Though she wasn’t sure if it really affected Sam’s mood, she was always angry lately, but Mike smiled at her and asked how the short haired woman was doing.

 

Clark was slightly more animated today, and seemed to be in a better mood after talking to Lois, but he still refused to address Kara directly. So when dinner ended and Clark said he was going to bed, the blonde ran out to intercept him in the hall. 

 

“Hey Clark, can I have a minute?”

 

The tall man turned and looked down at her with a blank expression and Kara sighed.

 

“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t snapped at you like that a breakfast yesterday. It was wrong. Can you forgive me?”

 

The dark haired man’s face softened into a smile.

 

“I’m sorry too. I talked to Lois today and she told me I shouldn’t have gotten in your way like that. It’s just hard that people don’t believe that I’m Superman, and you were supposed to understand. But I get it, you don’t accept it yet and that’s fine. Everything has it’s own speed. You can’t rush things that are important.”

 

And there he went again with his weirdly correct metaphors. Kara really wondered if he was doing it on purpose or not.

 

“Thanks Clark. I’ll let you get back to your room then… Hey, how about a game of Go Fish tomorrow? You and me.”

 

The tall man smiled and nodded before entering his room. Kara got to her own and was about to open the door when she had a change of mind and headed to Lena’s instead.

 

“Hey Lena?” She said through the door.

 

“I know you said to leave you alone and I respect that. I just want you to know, that if you want to talk, I’ll be here. Whenever you need. Ok? Ok, goodnight then.”

 

Kara made her way back to her own room and got ready for bed. She was just about to turn the lights off when she heard a knock on her own door. She opened it to find an exhausted looking Lena on the otherside. The green-eyed woman flung herself into Kara’s arms.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she repeated, drenching Kara’s shirt with her tears. 

 

The blonde made a quick glance up and down the hall, before she made a decision and pulled Lena into her room, shutting the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... How was it? Leave a comment below.


	7. Our Planet Is The Mental Institution Of The Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING GRAPHIC AND VIOLENT SCENE AHEAD
> 
> So this chapter is shorter than I had it originally. But I decided that the final thousand or so words would be better written from Kara's perspective so I cut it out for the moment. I have to apologise, I did say to someone that this chapter would have some fluff but it's really just another angsty mess. Also, I'm changing the warnings on this fic, because this chapter has a far more graphic scene than I originally intended to write, but I went all out. And if you aren't comfortable reading about a suicide attempt, I'm writing this chapter so you can skip it if you wish and go straight to the next. Anyway... that being said I hope you guys think it's a good chapter, and feel free to leave comments and feedback below.

Lena had been drifting for a long time before she tried to commit suicide. She wondered why people called it that. Committing Suicide. She supposed it was because it sounded far less violent then _she tried to kill herself_.

 

Yes, the word suicide certainly seemed to flow smoother over the ear.

 

It was a struggle for her to reach out when she was depressed. And she was depressed. Jonn’s visit had highlighted one thing clearly for her, she was becoming detrimental to Kara’s recovery which meant she had to stay away from the blonde woman. And also, she could be thrown out… which meant she wouldn’t see the blonde woman again. 

 

Both were equally frightening and confusing prospects.

 

It had only hit home after she had closed to door on the psychiatrist, the reality of what she had been doing. She came here to get help and instead of focusing on herself, which was the whole point, she had drifted off into a fantasy romance like a teenager at the first flutter of a pretty girl’s eyelashes. 

 

She needed time to think.

 

Lena accosted Winn when he began to walk down the hall with the food trays for breakfast. 

 

“Can I please have my meals in here for a while?”

 

The man had blinked at her, before nodding his assent and handing over a tray.

 

“Are you ok?” He questioned gently.

 

She gave him a weak smile.

 

“Just need some time to think.”

 

He looked ready to say more, but she gently closed the door on his face. The ex CEO didn’t feel like eating, but the last thing she needed was warning signs going off in the staff’s head about her lack of appetite. So she poked around and ate her food, which seemed tasteless in her mouth.

 

Typical Lena, fucking everything up. For herself, for Kara.

 

A gentle knock sounded on her door that morning.

 

“Lena, its’s Kara.”

 

The green-eyed lady, shut her eyes and willed herself to become deaf. She couldn’t listen to that voice. Not today.

 

“Lena? Are you ok?”

 

The concern, the worry. She wasn’t worth the worry.

 

“Lena? What’s happening? You can tell me.”

 

No, Lena thought, I can’t

 

* * *

 

The brunette spent the morning in her room, drifting in and out of sleep. At one point as she came to from another troubled sleep, she swore she heard Kara’s voice, but it must have been a dream. In the end, she was woken by a knock on her door, Nurse Vasquez this time who served her meal and watched her with a concerned look. Bu,t like with Winn this morning, Lena didn’t give her anytime to ask more questions. A pit of dread was already growing in her stomach at the thought of sitting in group with Kara. She didn’t want to be around the other woman. 

 

Everything she touched turned toxic.

 

She got there as early as possible and invited Mike and Clark to sit on either side of her when they walked in. The bearded man gave her a funny look, but Clark looked unusually vacant. Kara was the last to walk in and Lena steadfastly avoided her gaze even though she could feel her intense blue eyes boring into the side of her head.

 

She sat through Mike’s speech about his anger at his father, something Lena related to far more than she would’ve liked. Clark’s speech made her sad, that the sweet man would think he was a burden on anyone. Lena had come to realise that although Clark was schizophrenic, he was also just Clark, and wouldn't hurt someone intentionally.

 

Unlike her brother.

 

Her thoughts were lingering on Lex when it was her turn to talk about her anger. And maybe it was because she felt vulnerable, or maybe it was because she wanted Kara to know. To really know who she was and where she came from. The family she came from.

 

A mother who refused to admit her son was becoming increasingly paranoid, having delusions and violent outbursts. Even after Lex had been diagnosed, Lillian refused to admit to the truth. No son of her's, not darling Lex, could have a mental illness.

 

So he remained untreated, and then he killed himself and twelve others.

 

She told them about her brother, but not about his schizophrenia. Secretly she still wanted to keep the dirty family shame to herself. Luthor's could be known to blow up building, but their reasons for doing so should remain ambiguous. 

 

And when she flickered her gaze to see Kara’s reaction, she saw the blonde had a blank glaze in her eyes. 

 

And although that’s what she wanted, for the other woman to realise that she was poison.

 

It still hurt. 

 

Lena looked away as fast as possible and continued. 

 

She revealed more than she would have liked about they burden she felt at being thrust in control of an international company. But ever since she had arrived at Krypton she had begun to feel her walls slipping. Wall's that erected to hide her shame at being weak. But she felt safer in the company of these people who were as wounded as her, then she ever did with anyone else in her old life. 

 

Her thoughts drifted until it was Kara’s turn to speak. She said she was angry at her sister, and theex CEO’s eyes turned to the ceiling.

 

She wasn’t going to look, she wasn’t going to look.

 

“Before I came here, I was trying to enter a relationship with someone.”

 

What?

 

Lena couldn’t help it, she felt a wave of possessiveness sweep over her. And then her eyes locked onto Kara’s. 

 

E yes that were staring right back with a hint of amusement.

 

The blonde began to speak about her ‘relationship’ and how her sister had tried to nip it in the bud. Lena wasn't dumb, she understood the the blonde was sending her a message. Clearly Kara's sister had something to do with Jonn speaking to her this morning about the implications of a relationship with the blonde. She must have been the person tipping him off.

 

“I just wished that my sister could understand what she did was wrong. It was my choice about who I become involved with. It has absolutely nothing to do with her.”

 

The business woman felt another wave of guilt crashing through her. Great, now she was coming in between Kara and her sister. A sister who loved her so much she visited every week.

She couldn’t continue to look into the other woman’s eyes.

 

Poison.

 

She ran from the room so fast she swore she felt wind resistance on her face. Lena knew Kara was following behind her, she could hear her footsteps. The ex CEO made it to her room in time, but she still saw a flash of blonde hair when she closed her door.

 

“Lena…” She heard her name being whispered from the blonde’s mouth and Lena squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her fists.

 

“I’m sorry… tell me how to fix it.”

 

Lena couldn’t help the sob that escaped her. Sweet, kind Kara. The blonde thought she could fix her. She didn't know that the green-eyed woman was irreparably broken.

 

“Lena, I can fix it.”

 

She hesitated, but she needed Kara to understand. 

 

“No,” she said shakily. “You can’t. Please, just go away.”

 

_Please, please go away. I’m only going to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you._

 

“Lena….”

 

“Go away Kara.”

 

She heard the other woman sigh, before she uttered her parting words.

 

“You deserve all the good days Lena, remember?”

 

Lena remained silent, but she couldn’t help the tears that escaped her eyes.

 

* * *

 

She was all alone. 

 

She deserved to be all alone

 

* * *

 

That night, Lena had another fitful dream,

 

She was back in her apartment. Her million dollar apartment. It was basically empty of furniture, everything that had been there was Veronica’s and had gone with her when the woman left.

 

The CEO had wanted things to work so badly with Ronnie. But when she changed, the other woman couldn’t accept her.

 

_Come on Lena._

 

_You’re no fun anymore._

 

_I’m going out._

 

_What do you mean you had to resign?_

 

_How do think that reflects on me?_

 

The green eyed woman tried, she tried to get out of bed. 

 

She tried to leave the apartment.

 

But she couldn’t stand the loud noises of the clubs. Or the nattering of stupid ‘friends of Ronnie’s.’

 

And why would she put an effort into making herself ‘look good?’

 

A shower seemed like too much most days.

 

She didn’t want to think about how she let down the company. She didn’t want to think how she had let down Lex.She didn’t want to think about how she was letting down Veronica.

 

She just didn’t want to think.

 

Lena saw less and less of her fiancée. She could feel her drifting away but she was powerless to stop it.

 

One day, during one of Ronnie’s now rare appearances, Lena had mustered up enough courage to tell her that she knew she needed help. She wasn’t being herself. 

 

She had made an appointment with the best psychiatrist in National City. She was going today.

 

Veronica had looked at her then, really looked at her for the first time in months.

 

_What time are you going?_

 

And Lena had felt a wave of relief. Her fiancée still cared. She just wanted the old Lena back.

 

And the ex CEO was going to bring the old Lena back.

 

She walked out of the psychiatrists office with an antidepressant prescription clutched in her hands. It was the first time she had left the apartment in weeks, and so while her heart pounded in her chest she walked herself through the crowded streets to a pharmacy. Today was going to be a good day. And once she had been picked up and driven home. Lena opened their apartment door, her pills in hand, ready to become herself again.

 

Only to have the medication bottle crash to the floor.

 

Everything was gone. 

 

The place was empty. Not a 'no one had moved in yet empty'.

 

A 'someone had moved out' empty.

 

The dust sat in the shape of a couch on the living room floor. The tv bracket still hung on the wall. 

 

The kitchen hadn’t been touched, that was always Lena’s domain anyway. She loved to cook, not so much anymore. Her meals lately consisted of takeout and microwave meals. 

 

But the bed, the bed that had been the green eyed woman’s rock for months.

 

The bed was gone.

 

All that was left was a note.

 

_I can’t handle this anymore_

 

_You’ve changed_

 

* * *

 

 

She didn’t leave her apartment again. 

 

Lena ordered her food in, but no furniture.

 

No TV.

 

She managed to find some old blankets and pillows Veronica had deemed unworthy to take. The other woman had also been decent enough to leave her books, even if her electronic devices (most of which she had built herself) were missing.

 

So Lena thumbed through her nest of books on the floor of the living room. And ordered in every night from the same Italian place on the corner. The delivery girl was the only interaction she had during her days.

 

And on the last day, the day she finished reading the final book in her collection, she decided it was the day.

 

Her final day.

 

She didn’t want to leave the apartment to buy pills.

 

She didn’t have any rope.

 

But she did have her thousand dollar, Japanese folded kitchen knives. Knives she hadn't used in months.

 

Everyone always said a knife only belongs to you once you bleed on it.

 

* * *

 

 

The delivery girl had found her. The universe had a twisted sense of humour, she had timed the act to occur half an hour after she usually ordered. The acne spotted girl thought that the isolated, but obviously loaded, hermit had forgotten today. She had been consistent for months now. So the kitchen made the order as usual, they figured they'd like to keep their best customer, and she headed to the woman's apartment half an hour later than her usual clock work delivery. Lena had often left the apartment unlocked these days. It wasn’t there was anything to steal and she was always home, so when the woman didn’t answer the door, she pushed it open.

 

To see the woman sitting in the centre of the living room, blood gushing from one of her arms which she tried to keep steady as she ran the kitchen knife down the vein of the other.

 

The girl screamed and the woman looked at her in shock, but oddly with no pain in her eyes.

 

And before Lena fell unconscious listening to the sounds of the panicked girl on the phone to the ambulance, she whispered an unheard apology.

 

“I’m sorry you had to see this.”

 

* * *

 

When Lena woke up with a start from her dream, she could feel the burning of the steel in her arms. The green eyed woman ran her thumb up and down the still raised lines. Sometimes in the days after, when no one had visited her in the hospital and her mother only sent her a chastising email, she wished that she had never ordered take out. Wished her timing had been better. Lena wished she had finished reading her book in the morning instead.

 

Lena did what she could. She found out the girl’s name and where she wanted to go to college. The ex CEO paid for the anonymous donation that would mean the girl never had to pay a dime for her education. The green eyed woman was just trying to ease the guilt at making the kid see that.

 

She wasn’t sorry she did it though.

 

The green eyed woman couldn’t fall asleep again and she sat watching her window as the sky lightened from black to dark blue to yellow to light. 

 

Breakfast came and went and Lena still stayed in her room.

 

She knew she was worrying people, so she wasn’t surprised to hear a firm knock on the door around lunch.

 

“Lena, it’s Maggie.”

 

When she opened the door, the psychologist took in her appearance and raised an eyebrow.

 

“No bullshit Lena? You look like hell.”

 

The exhausted ex CEO could only stare at the other woman.

 

“Ok,” Maggie said briskly. “I’m coming in for a chat.”

 

She pushed her way past Lena and sat on the unmade bed. Her eyes drifted over a discarded pair of pants on the floor. The psychologist patted the space next to her and gestured for Lena to sit down, which the brunette did with no complaint.

 

The detective looked her over taking in her unbrushed hair, the purple bruises under her eyes and the scars on her arms. Lena felt a pang of self consciousness and nearly crossed her arms over her chest to hide the unseemly, as her mother called it, sight. But Maggie’s facial expression didn’t change nor did her eyes linger, merely refocusing on her own.

 

“You know, one of the benefits of being in a place like this is that you have people all around you trained to help. And, I know its difficult to believe, we might actually note that you haven’t left your room in nearly two days. The one time you did leave was for group, which you fled from so fast I thought you might have been The Flash.”

 

“The Flash?” Lena couldn’t help but inquire, but Maggie waved her away.

 

“Another patient we had, got along very well with Clark when he was here.”

 

The detective stared at her seriously.

 

“I can make my own assumptions Lena about why you’ve entered a depressive state, but I’d much rather you tell me. What’s going on?”

 

The ex CEO shrugged her shoulders and her eyes drifted.

 

“Lena,” the detective said warningly. “If you don’t tell me something, I’ll have no choice but to put you on suicide watch.”

 

The long haired brunette’s eyes snapped to the Latina woman’s.

 

“And just how am I going to commit suicide in my room? Even the phone cord is too short for a rope!”

 

“Oh, so you admit you’ve thought about it?”

 

“What? No! I wouldn’t do that in here.”

 

“But you would somewhere else?”

 

“No!”

 

“Oh, ok. It’s just that you brought it up.”

 

“No, you brought it up!”

 

“Well it seemed like you wanted to discuss it.”

 

“No, I don’t!”

 

“Why not? It’s the reason you came here isn’t it? The reason that forced you to come.”

 

“…yes.”

 

“Well you don’t sound very convinced. What else led you to come here?”

 

“My fiancée left me.”

 

“What else?”

 

“My brother blew himself up.”

 

“What else?”

 

“Nobody cared that I tried to kill myself! Nobody came to visit me in the hospital. No one cared if I lived or died.”

 

Maggie looked at her with shadowed eyes. And a silence pressed on the room before the dimpled woman changed from her usual pressing tone, to a gentle one.

 

“Who found you Lena?” 

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

The detective gestured to Lena’s scars.

 

“Wounds like that, if someone hadn’t found you and quickly, you would be dead. They must have cared if you lived or died.”

 

Lena turned her head and whispered in shame.

 

“The food delivery girl.”

 

The Latina woman raised her eyebrow.

 

“You ordered food before committing suicide?”

 

“No… but the girl came anyway. I ordered every night so I think she was worried about me. And then she found me… dragging a knife down my arm. And she screamed.”

 

Lena couldn’t help the tears that burst from her eyes.

 

“I ruined her life. I ruin everyone’s life.” She sobbed into her hands.

 

Maggie suddenly gripped Lena in a strong one armed hug.

 

“Hey. That’s not true. What that girl saw, she never should have seen. But what she could have seen would have been so much worse. You, dead.”

 

“She shouldn’t have been there at all.”

 

Maggie hummed at Lena’s words.

 

“But she saved your life. How do you feel about that?”

 

“Well, I’m alive aren’t I?”

 

“Yes captain obvious, but how do you _feel_ about it.”

 

“….I don’t know.”

 

“If you had the option, would you try again. Right now?”

 

“….no.”

 

“Why not?”

 

* * *

 

_Everyone always wanted something from Lena. Demanded something from her. Her money, her name, her jet, her business contacts. And everything was about keeping up appearances, keeping up the mask. Drown your feelings, be who you have to be depending on who you’re with._

 

_Always slipping on so many different masks. So many, that you don’t know who you are anymore._

 

_Then finally, all the facades crack and you are left raw and exposed._

 

_And even though it’s the depression. Even though it’s the anxiety. And even though it’s from the worst deepest darkest corners of your mind._

 

_At least it’s you. Something that is really you._

 

_But nobody wants you like that. Nobody wants you beaten and broken and tired._

 

_They wanted that version of you that suits them best. And it’s because, in reality, they don’t care._

 

_The loneliness becomes so bad, there is only one way to stop it. And you do it, because you finally know the real you isn’t worth saving._

 

_But then you will yourself to move._

 

_Suppress it._

 

_Get your head on straight._

 

_Nobody needs you like this, nobody want you like this._

 

_The ability that you’ve lost, the one to put on masks? You need to get that back._

 

_Because then maybe, you’ll be wanted again._

 

_But why wouldn’t she do it again?_

 

_Was it because she was determined to be loved by people who never really loved her?_

 

_Was it because being that person again meant she could finally prove that she was worth something?_

 

_That she could overcome, and regain all that she had lost. Prove that she could fight. Make it big again._

 

_Be a Luthor?_

 

_No._

 

_Because she came here raw and broken and she thought that was a weakness. But she also came here honest. This was who see was, she couldn’t hide it._

 

_She had depression._

 

_She had anxiety._

 

_She tried to kill herself._

 

_She had no job._

 

_She had no partner._

 

_She had no friends._

 

_She had nothing to offer._

 

_Then, someone had looked at her. The real her._

 

_And smiled._

 

* * *

 

“Now I have people who care. And… I think I do too.”

 

“People?”

 

Lena saw it in Maggie’s eyes. That knowing look. 

 

She knew, she knew about her and Kara. 

 

The ex CEO felt a curl of panic, like the one she had when Jonn warned her off a relationship with the blue eyed bipolar. She had denied it, but she couldn’t deny it this time. The psychologist knew.

 

And then Lena resigned herself.

 

“Kara cares.”

 

If it was the last thing she got to say in this place, she was going to speak the truth.

 

Maggie watched her silently, before she gave a half grin and one of her dimples appeared.

 

“You know,” she began thoughtfully. “I’ve always been a strong believer in patients helping other patients. Sometimes it’s lending a pencil. Sometimes it’s posing for a painting,” she said eyeing Lena significantly, and the woman began to feel heat in her cheeks.

 

“And sometimes… it just might be loving someone who didn’t know how to be loved. And loving them effortlessly.”

 

Lena forgot where she was for a second.

 

“I don’t think Kara loves me… She can’t? I’ve only been here…”

 

The ex CEO’s thoughts trailed off envisioning Kara’s intense looks, and her earnestness. 

 

Coming to her door and asking to help fix it, without even knowing what ‘it’ was.

 

Lena’s thoughts crashed back to reality when she realised she had openly admitted to her and the blonde being a ‘thing’. She should start packing her bag. Lena hoped they would at least give her the opportunity to say goodbye to the taller blue-eyed woman.

 

Instead of chastising her though, the detective was looking at her with a smug expression.

 

“Kara? Who said anything about Kara. I was just thinking that maybe we should get a therapy dog for you guys. Unconditional love and all that.” She said innocently.

 

The tension Lena hadn’t realised she’d been holding for two days escaped her and briefly she was transported back to the seconds before Jonn had knocked on her door.

 

The feeling of true happiness.

 

When she came back to the present, the afterglow of her thoughts mixed with her current anxiety made it decrease. But it still frayed at the edge of her brain. 

 

She had fucked it up.

 

Maggie was on their side, but she had fucked it up anyway. The one time in her life when someone had genuinely and truely cared for her and she fucked it up.

 

The detective watched the mix of emotions darting over Lena’s face and decided it was time for her to withdraw.

 

“I’ll leave you to think about that ‘therapy puppy’,” she said making air quotations. 

 

“I’ll tell James to still bring you dinner tonight, but I expect to see you at our meeting tomorrow. And preferably eating with everyone else.”

 

After the woman closed the door behind her, Lena began to fidget furiously with the stress ball Jonn had given her. How could she look Kara in the eye after her atrocious behaviour? She had snuffed out whatever tiny, precious thing they had. All because she couldn’t keep her shit together.

 

She ruined it, again. 

 

But this time, it stung even worse because this time, she had destroyed something that was _real_.

 

* * *

 

Lena alternated between a couple of things that afternoon. She had a shower first, furiously trying to scrub off her self pity, but feeling more guilty every second regardless. Sometimes she read, but her eyes wouldn’t focus on the pages. Occasionally she wished she could leave the room to track Kara down. But she stood dumb at the door frame, as unable to leave as she was in her old apartment. She slept then, then she cried, then she ate dinner.

 

Then she cried again.

 

She could feel herself drifting off again when she heard a soft knock and the honeyed voice that mede her heart skip a beat.

 

“Hey Lena?” 

 

She rushed to the door, but her fingers hovered over the handle

 

“I know you said to leave you alone and I respect that.”

 

_She’s here, open the door._

 

But Lena couldn’t. She felt terrified and as raw as she had been before she tried to kill herself. If she talked to her now, she wouldn’t be able to hold back. 

 

“I just want you to know, that if you want to talk, I’ll be here. Whenever you need. Ok? Ok, goodnight then.”

 

The green eyed woman heard it in the blonde’s voice. The pain. Lena was horrified. She was a self absorbed idiot. She’d hurt Kara. 

 

Beautiful sweet Kara.

 

She didn’t even realise she’d finally summoned the will to open her own door until she was standing in front of the blonde’s. 

 

Everything she had felt the last two days was hitting her at once. Lena felt like she had when she was a little girl and had first jumped in the deep end of the pool.

 

The woman took a breath and knocked.

 

And the green eyed woman swore when Kara opened the door she looked like an angel.

 

Lena didn’t care about anything in that second, just that she needed the blonde to know.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

 

And then warm, strong arms closed around her and drew her into the room.

 

“Shhhh…. It’s ok. It’s alright, it’s ok.”

 

A hand moved from Lena’s back to tilt the woman’s face upwards towards the blonde’s.

 

“I’ve got you. I won’t let go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... what do we think? Btw, I promise the next chapter will have fluff. Lots and lots of fluff. Leave a comment below if you like, I love to read them :)


	8. First Sign Of Madness, Talking To Your Own Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Righto this is the fluffiest fluff I've ever written, so I hope you enjoy :)

Kara was slightly at a loss for what she should do. She’d taken Lena into her room and the poor woman was sobbing hysterically into her chest. The blonde gave her a strong hug, wrapping her arms around the brunette woman tightly.

 

“Shhhh…. It’s ok. It’s alright, it’s ok,” she whispered into the brunette’s ear. She gripped Lena’s chin and brought their eyes together. 

 

“I’ve got you. I won’t let go.”

Lena stared at her tearily and Kara thought she saw a flash of fear cross her eyes and was about to pull away when the green-eyed woman pulled the blonde into a passionate kiss. The bipolar woman responded instinctually, moving her mouth in sync with Lena’s when she realised what she was doing and pushed the other woman away by her shoulders.

 

“Lena… slow down. You need to calm down.”

 

At her words, the other woman tore herself from the blonde’s hands.

 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come,” she stuttered out ready to flee. Kara ran and blocked the door before Lena could escape.

 

“No Lena, it’s ok. I could kiss you all day. But you’re upset, I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

 

The green-eyed woman’s eyes lost their edge of desperation and softened slightly, but tears still ran down her cheeks. 

 

Kara lifted her finger to catch them.

 

“Sweetheart,” she said softly not wanting to spook the other woman.

 

“What’s wrong. You can tell me.”

 

The other woman leaned into the taller woman’s hand until Kara was cupping her cheek.

 

“You can tell me anything, Lena.”

 

The dark-haired woman let a small sigh escape her lips before she burrowed her head back into Kara’s chest. The blonde resumed stroking her hair gently and waited for the other woman to speak.

 

“I’m afraid,” Lena said so softly, Kara thought she missed it.

 

“Why are you afraid, sweetheart?” She questioned gently.

 

“Because I’m falling in love with you.”

 

Kara’s heart skipped a beat and her fingers paused their stroking. She took a deep breath before she replied.

 

“If it helps at all… I’m falling in love with you too.”

 

Lena stilled in her arms.

 

“How can you?” She asked in a broken voice.

 

Kara shifted them again so they were looking into each other's eyes.

 

“Because you’re intelligent. You’re funny. You don’t take any crap. I think you’re amazing.”

 

The brunette averted her gaze and slipped out of Kara’s arms and she went to cross her arms over her chest. 

 

“There’s so much you don’t know about me.”

 

The blonde reached for the other woman’s arm.

 

“I want you to know everything about me. And I want to know everything about you. You don't have to be afraid to tell me.”

 

Kara noticed the beginning of a scar on the other woman’s arm and her face twitched into a small frown. Her eyes flickered to Lena’s who looked terrified. She kept their gaze’s locked as she gently reached out to pull the other woman’s arm away from her chest. Although she looked ready to bolt, Lena let her.

 

Once the blonde had the other woman’s arm fully extended, she finally looked down. The scar was long and choppy, running along the vein of the arm. Lena must have been found incredibly quickly to still be alive. Tears came to Kara’s eyes at the thought of the amazing woman in front of her feeling so alone and lost, that the only solution she could see was killing herself. She turned her eyes up to Lena’s again and the brunette woman sighed.

 

“Pretty gruesome, huh?” She said in a small and sad voice. 

 

Lena went to pull her arm out of Kara’s grasp, but the blonde held on. The blue-eyed woman looked back down to the scar, before she brought the brunette’s arm up and kissed the jagged line.

 

Kara could hear the brunette’s voice catch again and when she looked back up, the other woman had started to cry. The blonde reached up slowly and held Lena’s head in her hands, tilting her head until their faces were inches apart.

 

“You are so beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful.”

 

The taller woman pressed her lips against the brunette’s in a gentle kiss, and Lena wove her fingers into the other woman’s hair and pulled her closer. Once they parted, their foreheads pressed together, Lena whispered back to the other woman.

 

“How can someone as incredible as you even exist?”

 

“Well,” Kara said with a small laugh as she pushed a strand of Lena’s hair behind her ear.

 

“Clark would say it’s because I’m Supergirl. But I’m no hero.”

 

Lena didn’t laugh, but her eyes grew vulnerable.

 

“Kara Danvers, you are _my_ hero.”

 

The blonde blushed at the praise and tried to brush it off.

 

“I really shouldn’t be. I’m not a good person. You don't want to know what I did to get in here.” She said darkly.

 

“Only if you want to tell me.”

 

The blonde took a deep breath before she made a choice and began recanting her tale.

 

“When I’m manic, I do insane things. When I was in college I once lay in the middle of the road at night. I thought I was invincible. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on online shopping for things I didn’t need. One time I became convinced I needed to learn French, and the only way I was going to do that was if I bought tickets to Paris. I was on a plane that night, and I had to repeat a semester because I missed my finals. I get insomnia, I can’t fall asleep and at 2 am in the morning I feel a need to clean and rearrange all the furniture in my apartment.”

 

Kara cleared her throat before continuing.

 

“I had a degree in marketing, but I could only get a job in a coffee shop. One day though, I became convinced that I would be a journalist. I walked into CatCo ready to demand a job. Luckily, that day Cat Grant was holding interviews for an assistant and I managed to slip in because she kicked everyone else out of her office within three minutes. I told her I’d do whatever it took to become a journalist. I would hand fold her laundry. I would work for free! Anything to become a writer at her magazine. She must have liked what I was saying because she took me on as her assistant. Though, she did spend the next three years insinuating that I wouldn’t be getting a promotion."

"When I was manic, I could get so much done. I was the most efficient person in that office. One day, she finally gave me that promotion. I was overjoyed, but once I finally got where I wanted to go I wanted more. I began to take on risky assignments. My ‘sources’ became fudged. I plagiarised a story from an online blogger. I got caught, and she fired me instantly."

"I became so mad that I trashed her office right then and there. I threatened to throw her off a balcony then I stole her car and I went on the joyride of a lifetime. There was a police chase and everything. In the end, I did a fender bender around a tree. I woke up in a hospital with a broken leg and arm with a restraining order against me ."

"The DA wanted to push for jail time. Theft, destruction of property. But Ms Grant asked to have a psychiatric assessment done. Once I was diagnosed with bipolar, she must have pushed for a plea deal to be offered. I didn’t want to take it, I was so mad at her I’d rather go to jail then accept her pity. But my sister pushed me. And here I am. A year longer than I thought, and with no clear date for when I’m getting out.” 

 

Kara looked Lena in the eyes clearly. She wasn’t ashamed of herself, of her behaviour yes, but not herself.

 

The brunette looked blankly back, before her lips stretched into a small smile and she turned and sat on Kara’s bed.

 

“We’re all mad here, huh?”

 

The blonde released a breath and moved to sit next to her.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Lena placed her arm on Kara’s shoulder.

 

“Thank you for telling me. But it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. The French thing is pretty hot actually.”

 

The blonde let out a laugh and ran a hand down her face.

 

“Yeah, I always told Alex it was worth it to go to Paris. Even though I had to repeat.”

 

At the sound of her sister’s name, Lena’s hand dropped from her shoulder and fell into her lap.

 

“Hey,” Kara said reaching over to hold the other woman’s hand.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

The ex CEO hesitated and looked into Kara’s electric blue eyes. 

 

“Am I coming in between you and your sister?”

 

Kara frowned, a crinkle forming between her eyes, but Lena continued before she could respond.

 

“You said at group, how mad you were at her for coming in between our… relationship. I don’t want to be the cause of you arguing. I think she loves you very much-”

 

“Hey, hey,” Kara replied cutting Lena’s speech off. 

 

“I know my sister loves me, but you have to understand. She feels like me being in here is somehow her fault. Alex thinks that if she’d realised sooner what was happening to me, the fact that I had bipolar, I wouldn’t have spectacularly self-destructed my life. Now she’s legally responsible for me, and she takes her role very seriously. Constant updates, phone calls, visits. She is determined to micromanage my life in here."

"She doesn’t want me to get into a relationship because she thinks it will ‘hinder my recovery.’ But I’m not a child, or completely incapable, and I know if I tried to stay away from you it would only make me more insane. So, to answer your question, you aren’t coming between anything. This is me, making my own choice and Alex better learn to deal."

 

"That being said, it’s probably better we keep this on the down low. The last thing I want, is to be responsible for is you getting kicked out. It's too impaortant for your health to be here,” she said with concern.

 

“Your health should always be your first priority. If you don’t have that, you don’t have anything.”

 

Lena stared at her again with, what Kara thought was, a look of awe.

 

“You are so unbelievably perfect. My whole life… people looked out for themselves. Even my mother…” 

 

The brunette’s voice caught on the last word and she turned her head away from Kara’s and the blonde squeezed her hand gently.

 

“Hey,” she said soothingly. “It’s ok.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Lena said wiping her eyes.

 

“Don’t ever apologise for being upset Lena. You’re allowed to be, and bottling stuff up isn’t healthy.”

 

“I know,” Lena continued. “It’s just with my mother… You know, she didn’t even visit me in the hospital after…” The woman said, gesturing to her arms. “Well, actually nobody did.”

 

“No one came to see you after you tried to commit suicide? Not even your mom?” Kara said incredulously and with anger, she deflated fast though when she realised that maybe Lena didn’t want to be reminded of that fact.

 

The other woman grimaced at the memory.

 

“After I was discharged, I went back to my apartment. The place I tried to kill myself in. It was exactly the same, just the books I was reading had blood stains on them. I realised in that moment, I could do it again and succeed and no one would be there to stop me a second time. And now I had the proof, that really nobody cared at all.”

 

“Why didn’t you then?” Kara asked softly.

 

Lena gave her a warped smile.

 

“Because I thought that them not loving me, not caring, was my fault. And by coming here and getting… fixed. I could prove to them I was worthy of their love. My mother did turn up, the day after that. She took one look around my empty apartment and chastised me for the state I was living in. You’re a Luthor, she said, act like one. And for God’s sake, cover up those hideous scars from now on. Do you realise what you could’ve done in your bid for attention? If the press had gotten a hold of it the company could be ruined.”

 

There was a pause before Kara spoke.

 

“I’m sorry to say this about your mom Lena, but she sounds like a bitch.”

 

The brunette let out a humourless laugh.

 

“You wouldn’t be the first person to call her that.”

 

Suddenly Kara moved and kneeled between Lena’s legs, gripped both of her hands in her own and looked up at the other woman.

 

“I would care Lena. If you killed yourself, I would care. You are so kind and intelligent and everyone who doesn’t see that isn’t worthy of you,not the other way around. You are worth so much more, then what you think of yourself. I promise I will tell you every day how important you are, and I’ll do everything in my power to help you realise that too.”

 

The brunette stared at her with intense eyes and she leant down slowly and kissed the blonde. She began to pull Kara until the brunette was on her back and the blonde over her. Lena shuffled back until she was completely on the bed and pulled Kara back on top of her, searing the taller woman’s nerve endings with a blazing kiss.

 

“Lena,” Kara whined out as the brunette grabbed the blonde’s hand and pushed it underneath her shirt. “We need to stop.”

 

The blonde let out a breathy sigh as the other woman began to attack her neck with kisses.

 

“Don’t worry… I won't leave a mark,” she said huskily before pressing her lips back to Kara’s.

 

The taller woman groaned again, but pulled her hand out from underneath the flushed woman’s shirt and broke the kiss.”

 

“Lena, baby. We need to stop.”

 

“But why,” said Lena dejectedly.

 

“I would kiss you all day, everyday beautiful. But we can’t… not yet. I want to woo you. And I don’t want our first time to be like this. Not in a place where we could get caught.”

 

Lena pouted at the woman above her.

 

“We could be quiet,” she suggested.

 

The blonde’s eyes darkened and she lowered herself again until she was a hairbreadth away from the other woman’s ear.

 

“But I want you to scream my name.”

 

Lena shuddered underneath Kara’s tone. But before she could respond the blonde shifted her weight off her and stood next to the bed and offered a hand for the other woman to get up.

 

“You need to get back to your room. As much as I would love to spend the night wrapped around you… you have to go in case someone checks on us. And you look like you could use the sleep, sweetheart. But tomorrow… do you think we could discuss what’s been happening these last couple of days? We probably need to talk about it.”

 

Lena raised an eyebrow and she stood up with some grumbling.

 

“Please tell me you didn’t just say ‘we need to talk’ as you’re kicking me out of your room. How am I supposed to sleep now?”

 

The blonde smirked and leaned in close.

 

“Dream of me.”

 

The green-eyed woman made to chase Kara’s lips, but she pulled back. 

 

“This is unfair.”

 

The taller woman let out a laugh.

 

“Didn't anyone ever tell you? Life is unfair.”

 

The ex CEO stood there and a pout began to form on her face. Kara’s heart melted at the look.

 

“Sometimes we get lucky though.” 

 

Lena turned her gaze to Kara’s and a look of incredible fondness crossed it as she reached up to curl her fingers at the nape of the blue-eyed woman’s neck.

 

“Who would have thought I’d have to check myself in a psychiatric ward just to find someone as amazing as you. I’m starting to wonder if I really am insane. People like you just don’t exist in my world.

 

The blonde felt a wave of love and possessiveness flood through her. What she wanted more than anything, was to break her own resolve and cuddle with Lena all night.

 

“Well then, you’ll just have to stay in my world," she said before coughing to break the increasingly heavy air between them.

 

“You really need to go,” she said again, and watched as the other woman’s eyes grew slightly scared.

 

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” She asked the other woman concerned.

 

“I don’t want to be alone tonight. I might wake up and this will be a dream. I never came to talk to you and when I do, you turn me away rightfully for my atrocious behaviour.”

 

“Hey…” Kara said sighing out. “I’m not going anywhere. I mean at the moment I literally can’t. I’m ordered to be here.”

 

The green-eyed woman let out a weak laugh and the blonde sighed again.

 

Helping the smaller woman fall back in love with herself was going to take time. But she would spend the rest of her life doing it if she had too. She was a bit surprised at that thought, and she tucked it into the back of her mind when her resolve snapped.

 

“Stay with me then. I get up early anyway. I’ll wake you so you can go back to your room in the morning.”

 

Lena looked so happy, and Kara knew she made the right choice.

 

“But no hanky-panky,” she said sternly, waving her finger in the other woman’s face. “Just cuddling.”

 

The green eyed woman looked amusedly at her.

 

“Did you really just say ‘hanky-panky?’” Lena said clearly struggling to hold in a laugh.

 

The blonde felt a blush grow on her cheeks.

 

“I’m being serious!” She said indignantly.

 

Lena let a fond smile grow on her face.

 

“Ok, darling. No hanky-panky.”

 

Kara nodded in approval, before she took Lena’s hand and led the other woman back to the bed. She pulled back the covers and jumped in. The brunette woman didn’t make to follow her though and was still standing next to the mattress with a slightly nervous look on her face.

 

“What is it Lena?”

 

The brunette woman bit her lip, something that usually would have made Kara flush but she pushed that thought down.

 

“I never done it before.”

 

“What,” Kara said raising an eyebrow. “Sleep?”

 

The brunette woman rolled her eyes at the blonde’s cheeky tone.

 

“No, you idiot. I’ve never… cuddled.”

 

The blonde struggled not to look stunned, but it actually made sense from what she had gathered about the complete lack of affectionate people in Lena’s life.

 

“Well,” she said cheerfully instead, while patting the space next to her.

 

“Only one way to learn.”

 

The other woman paused again briefly before laying down and curling herself up. Kara covered them both with the blankets before wrapping her arms around the ex CEO. Slowly the blonde could feel the smaller woman relax and her breath evened out.

 

Just before Kara’s eyes could drift closed, Lena let out a whisper.

 

“Thank you, Kara.”

 

The blonde hummed, and buried her face in the crook of Lena’s neck.

 

“All the good days, remember?”

 

They both fell asleep that night, their heartbeats in sync.

 

* * *

 

Kara woke up the next morning to find Lena blinking up at her. They had shifted in the night, the blonde was now laying on her back while the smaller woman’s head lay over her chest. Kara’s fingers fingers drifted up and began to play with the other woman’s hair.

 

“Good morning beautiful.”

 

Lena hummed and closed her eyes at the blonde’s ministrations.

 

“So it wasn’t a dream,” she murmured.

 

The blue eyed woman twisted her head slightly to look out of the window. The first light of the pre dawn was starting to streak across the sky.

 

“You’re going to have to go back to your room soon Lena,” she whispered gently.

 

The ex CEO let out a resigned sigh, before she nodded and made to stand up.

 

“I wish I could spend all day with you in here.”

 

The blonde caught the other woman’s fingers and pushed herself into a sitting position. She gently pulled the brunette forward so she was standing inbetween Kara’s knees and the blonde could look up at her. Lena’s eyes darkened with lust and she wrapped her arms around Kara’s neck as she leaned down for a kiss. The blonde slowly traced her own hands down the brunette’s back until she gripped her waist and pulled away from the languid kiss. 

 

“Good morning yourself,” Lena spoke breathily.

 

Kara felt a smug smirk grow across her face.

 

“Does that mean you want to sit with me at breakfast?”

 

The green eyed woman let out a quiet laugh.

 

“You just held me in your arms all night. Of course I want to sit next to you at breakfast.”

 

The blonde shrugged her shoulders.

 

“It’s just because last time…”

 

“Last time I said I would be there, then I shut myself in my room for two days.” Lena said finishing Kara’s words for her.

 

The brunette woman eyes drifted downwards.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered ashamed. 

 

Kara began tracing circular patterns on the other woman’s hips.

 

“I’m not angry baby. I just want to know what happened. You weren’t talking to me and I thought…. I thought that I did something to ruin it,” the blonde said in a vulnerable tone.

 

Lena rushed to reassure her.

 

“No darling, you didn’t do anything. I’m sorry that I made you feel that way. It was just….” The brunette trailed off, looking lost in darker thoughts.

 

“Hey,” Kara said succeeding on refocusing the other woman’s eyes on her own.

 

“You don’t have to tell me everything right now. When you’re ready. And if you need space, just let me know and I’ll give it too you. And I’ll still be right here, I’m not going anywhere. But you have to tell me what you want. You can’t just shut me out completely.”

 

“Ok,” the other woman whispered back. “I promise.”

 

Kara paused for a minute, just enjoying the feel of the other woman, before she stood up herself.

 

“But for now, I’m going to kiss you goodbye and let you go. I’ll see you at breakfast.”

 

The blonde gave the other woman a quick peck on the lips, before she cracked the door open and peered up and down the hall carefully.

 

“I don’t think that there will be many people up at this time Kara.” Lena said with amusement, but still quietly.

 

“I’m just checking that Sam isn’t spying on us again.”

 

The blonde felt fingers tighten on her arm, and she instantly regretted her words.

 

“Don’t worry,” she hurriedly assured. “I sorted it for now. I’ll tell you more later.”

 

The brunette nodded warily, but didn’t ask anymore questions.

 

“I have a few things to tell you as well, but later.”

 

The blonde nodded once more and Lena ducked out of the room and into her own, as last look before they both shut their doors.

 

Kara couldn’t help the happy smile that crossed her features even though a bundle of emotions were banging around in her chest. This whole situation was less then perfect. They were both patients in a psychiatric hospital. She had bipolar, was here because of a court order and had a restraining order against her. Lena had depression and was here after a suicide attempt with her own set of baggage. But Lucy was right about one thing, love never came conviniently.

 

And Kara wasn't just falling in love with Lena.

 

She was already there.

 

* * *

 

The blonde didn’t go back to bed. Once again she floated excitedly around the room. She wrote in her journal and had a shower and with ten minutes to go before breakfast was due to be served, Kara happily bounced down the hall towards the mess room. Everyone except Clark had already arrived, but the blonde locked eyes with the already seated Lena and gave her a huge grin.

 

The green-eyed woman looked more relaxed than Kara had ever seen her and returned her smile with a small one of her own.

 

When Kara settled next to the other woman, she looked around the table. Mike was smirking at her and the blonde blushed slightly. Sam, on the other hand, was merely looking at them both with flat eyes. She didn’t have much time to dwell on the out of place expression because then Clark walked into the room.

 

When he spotted Lena, the tall man smiled broadly.

 

“Lena! It’s good to see you. Are you feeling better?”

 

The green-eyed woman smiled and tilted her head.

 

“Much better, thank you Clark.”

  
  
The man hummed and sat down before looking at the dark haired woman intensely.

 

“I know you must be feeling scared. But you’re a strong person, and Kara will always protect you.”

 

Kara’s eyebrows furrowed, slightly confused as to the taller man’s meaning, but Lena didn’t have the same reaction. Her smile simply widened further and she thanked the clean shaven man again.

 

Nobody had time to comment further because Winn walked in. He spotted Lena and he smiled happily as well.

 

“Oh, here you are Lena. I brought your tray to your room, but I’m glad you’re up and about today. Do you want lunch and dinner here as well?”

 

Lena traced a finger down Kara’s thigh, nearly making the blonde jump out of her skin. She really wished the brunette would stop doing that.

 

“Yes,” The brunette continued calmly talking to the nurse as if her actions hadn’t caused Kara’s heart to jump.

 

“Definitely.”

 

As Winn placed the food in front of everyone, the blonde woman gave Lena a look. The shorter woman shot back a wink, and Kara felt blood rush to her cheeks again and she could’ve kicked herself. 

 

_A beautiful woman winks at you Kara, and you fall totally apart_.

 

The brunette looked amused at her internal struggle and removed her finger when Winn checked that everyone had swallowed their medication.

 

The group ate in an amiable silence and everyone drifted off after they’d finished their meals. Lenaand Kara sat by themselves for a minute before the blonde spoke. 

 

“We have to be careful,” she said. “Jonn said that my sister was the one who called and… notified him about my interest in you. And since we’ve been spending so much time together… that’s why he warned us of the consequences of what we’re doing.”

 

“Well it’s not like they can throw me out for being friends with you. Why does anyone have to know more?”

 

Kara let out an exasperated sigh.

 

“Because you slept in my room last night. Because we hold each others hands and because you trail your fingers over my knee at breakfast!”

 

Lena stared at her briefly and the shorter woman’s eyes darted down to the blonde’s lips.

 

“Do you want me to stop,” she replied slowly in a low voice.

 

Kara nearly groaned in response, but instead stretched out her own fingers to trace Lena’s forearm.

 

“Of course not.”

 

The air quickly became charged again before Lena broke it with a heavy breath.

 

“But you’re right, we should be careful. Though I think you should know…. Maggie knows that something is happening.”

 

“What?” Kara asked, slowly beginning to panic.

 

Lena put her hand over the blonde’s to calm her down.

 

“It’s ok, I think. She came in to… comfort me I guess. She just figured it out. But… I think she actually approves. At least thats the impression she gave me.”

 

Kara still felt unsettled, but relaxed under the brunette’s words.

 

“Well… there’s nothing we can do about it now anyway. We just have to wait for the chips to fall. Come on,” she said rising from her seat.

 

“Let’s go. I’ve decided on my next phase of wooing.”

 

“Oh really,” Lena teased as she stood up. “And what would that be?”

 

“Oh no Miss Luthor. You’ll get nothing from me. Just meet me at the entrance to the grounds in five minutes.”

 

* * *

 

Kara was pretty confident that Lena would appreciate her date idea, but was still pleased when the brunette's face filled with joy when she discovered that the blonde was going to read her some of her own poetry by the lake.

 

The brunette sat in silence throughout with her eyes closed while she absorbed some of the sun’s rays. Kara teased her that she would get sunburnt, but Lena scoffed and assured her that while her natural complexion was pale, she didn’t burn easily. The only time the shorter woman opened her eyes was to look through her lashes at Kara as she read her poems about love. The blonde admitted that it probably was a persistent theme towards the end of her work.

 

Once she’d finished the last poem, they sat in silence enjoying each other’s presence and the lake. 

 

“You write beautifully Kara.”

 

“Thank you,” the blonde replied gratefully. Her expression turned wistful quickly though and she gazed across the lake and watched a family of ducks float across it.

 

“I really did love my job you know? I was good at it. I just…. I became…..”

 

Kara trailed off and then she felt a soft hand on her arm that made her look down and into Lena’s forest green eyes.

 

“I’m not saying what you did was right Kara, but you have a disease. Even Cat Grant must have thought so, if she pushed for you to be here. You needed treatment, not jail.”

 

The blonde smiled at the other woman and resisted the urge to kiss her.

 

“You’re too kind Lena. And understanding.”

 

The brunette scoffed at her words.

 

“So are you.”

 

“No it’s not just that though,” Kara said shaking her head. She refused to let the woman brush off her comment.

 

“Lena, you deserve the love you give everyone else. The… people in your life. The one’s who never visited you? They don’t deserve you. You should be around people, with someone, who can’t imagine their life without you in it because there is nobody else like you. Somebody to be cherished”

 

Lena looked rather touched at her words, but blinked back her tears.

 

“You’re really good at this you know?”

 

“Good at what.”

 

“Sweet talking.”

 

Kara laughed at the brunette’s words before she responded.

 

“It helps if it’s true.”

 

The brunette hummed and turned her own gaze across the lake.

 

The taller woman paused, before she continued gently.

 

“You know what the worst thing about being bipolar is for me? It’s not the mania, even though the mania destroyed my life. But it’s still better than the depression. That feeling of worthlessness and worry. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. Never wanting to leave your bed. Like being in a dark tunnel and not knowing the way out.”

 

Lena had turned back to look at her during her words, her green eyes starting to swim with tears. The blonde reached over and ran her fingers across the other woman’s hand.

 

“I’m not telling you this to say that I know exactly what you’re going through… but I _understand_. I really do.”

 

The green eyed woman didn’t respond briefly, before she said shakily.

 

“I’m afraid that it’ll never go away. That my life will become good, and I’ll have friends and a job and…. and you. But… it still won’t go away.”

 

Kara hummed, before she replied.

 

“I’ll do everything I can to help Lena. To make it go away. And even if it never does, I’ll still be right here. If you want to spend the day in bed, I’ll crawl in with you. I’ll read you poetry and feed you potstickers. Anything you need, I’d do it.”

 

The brunette hummed in turn and flipped her hand over so she could hold Kara’s tightly.

 

“Thank you,” she said softly.

 

Kara flexed their fingers together, before she began to speak again. 

 

“I’m scared too you know? About what I’ll do when I get out of here.”

 

The brunette turned back to face Kara, waiting for the blonde to continue.

 

The taller woman was hesitant but kept speaking.

 

“I mean, with what I did… I’ll never get work as a journalist again. I’ll be lucky if I get a job waiting tables. Will I have to live on my sister’s couch for the rest of my life?”

 

“But you know it doesn’t have to be the end for you Kara. You could write a book, publish your poetry, start an online blog. It won’t be easy, you’ll have to fight to regain every inch that you’ve lost, but if you really want it you can do it.”

 

Kara looked into Lena’s eyes, still lost.

 

“I’ll have lost any credibility. Not just with what happened with Ms Grant. I plagiarised Lena. I’m a journalist and I stole a story. No one will ever read my work again.”

 

Lena smiled a half smile and tilted her head slightly.

 

“I’ll read it. That’s one. And when I get _my_ job back you’ll have a CEO of a multibillion dollar company telling everyone she can, that their favourite writer is the one and only Kara Danvers.”

 

The ex CEO lay back on the grass and stared up at the sky.

 

“It’s going to be hard for me too. To get my job back. My mother forced me out when I began to have my nervous breakdown, but I was really good at my job. Really good. If there is one thing I know, it’s that I wanted to make Luther Corp a force for good.”

 

The woman tilted her head and looked up at Kara. The blonde smiled down at her before joining her in gazing up at the sky.

 

“I’ll tell you what, if you promise to fight for your company, I’ll fight to be the best journalist I know I can be. I’ll fight for their respect again.”

 

Lena held out her pinky and Kara locked it around her own.

 

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you guys liked it! Let me know what you think :)


	9. Insanity Is Catching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update guys. I've been run off my feet this week. I hope you enjoy though! Feel free to leave a comment, I love to read them :)

“So, how are you travelling Lena?”

 

“Good. Really good. The last week, it’s like… the world has realigned. Like my centre of gravity has returned.”

 

Maggie smiled at the green-eyed woman. 

 

“Well, you do appear to be happier. Do you think it’s to do with the medication?”

 

Lena paused briefly, her eyes wistful.

 

“Well, it’s certainly a contributing factor.”

 

The psychologist hummed and raised her eyebrow inquisitively.

 

“And the other factor wouldn’t happen to be a certain blue-eyed patient who's probably hovering outside of my door.”

 

Lena couldn’t help but blush. She wouldn’t put it past Kara, to be doing just that. Over the last few weeks the majority of their free time was spent in each others company, but well within view of any drifting eyes. And due to that, the interaction they had was nearly strictly platonic. 

 

No touching except for a lingering trace of a finger or a brush of an arm. Kara was exceptionally paranoid about anybody finding them in a comprising situation and refused to allow Lena the opportunity to corner her. The green-eyed woman was quickly growing frustrated, and her improving mood didn’t help. Kara’s wooing was certainly working if Lena’s nightly dreams were any indication, which made the whole situation worse because she was starting to spend an exorbitant amount of imagining Kara dragging her into an empty room and pressing her against the wall. Only once had Lena managed to get five minutes alone with her. The blonde had forgotten her book in her room and the ex CEO quickly followed.

 

_“Lena….” The blonde had panted, her book forgotten._

 

_“Hmmm,” Lena hummed as she worked her way down the blonde’s neck. Her hand slipped under Kara’s shirt and tracing the edges of the bipolar woman’s bra._

 

_“You know… I can think a few places to leave marks that no one would see,” her handing inching upwards to cup the blonde’s breast. Kara let out a sharp gasp and pulled away, gripping the businesswoman’s wrists before she could make any further actions._

 

_“Lena, we can’t.”_

 

_“But why…” Lena had whined her head leaning in and catching the blonde’s lips with her teeth._

 

_The blonde pulled back with a wince and stopped the green-eyed woman’s chasing motion by placing a finger on her lips and tracing them slowly._

 

_“Because beautiful, if we get caught now…. I won’t get to kiss you later.”_

 

_“You don’t kiss me at all at the moment,” Lena grumbled._

 

_Kara’s hand moved to her hip and she began rubbing small circles. Lena looked up into the blonde’s soft eyes and closed her own when a pair of soft lips pressed against hers for a gentle and drawn out kiss._

 

_“I promise gorgeous, I’ll make it worth the wait.”_

 

“Drifting off into more pleasant pastures there?” Maggie’s amused voice said, cutting in on Lena’s daydreaming.

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Lena said snippily.

 

The Latina woman rolled her eyes. 

 

“Of course not,” she drawled.

 

“Anyway… Instead of daydreaming any further, we should probably get back to you and what we discussed at our last appointment. Something that you tried to avoid.”

 

Maggie arched an eyebrow before continuing.

 

“Your relationship with your family.”

 

Lena shifted in her seat and felt a dull flare of panic, that subsided faster than it ever had. She was admittedly far more relaxed, settled and steady then she had been and for longer than she could remember. The weeks at Krypton were making her calmer, more at peace with herself. 

 

She loved the feeling, but she feared she was in a bubble. One way to prove that she wasn’t, according to Maggie when she raised the issue, was to talk about her problems leading to her being here and confronting them. 

 

But she was really enjoying the bubble, and her family was starting to look like a big needle.

 

“Lena,” Maggie said sternly.

 

The ex CEO sighed internally.

 

“What about it?”

 

“That’s what I’m asking you.”

 

The green-eyed woman felt the start of a headache beginning to form.

 

“I really fail to grasp your meaning.”

 

“Don’t play stupid Lena, it doesn’t suit you. What are your feelings regarding your family.”

 

“Well, the definition of family would come into play then. I was adopted when I was four after my mother died. I later found out that my adoptive father was also my biological father. He’d had an affair, and I was the result. I guess when my mother died, he felt obligated to do something."

"My brother, Lex, was eleven when I was brought into the Luthor household. He was the only one who was really interested in being my family. My father had eased his conscience by taking me in, he barely said thirty words to me for the rest of his life. My adoptive mother… Lillian… is a _force."_

"She adored my brother, he was the heir apparent and her darling. I was never a real Luthor. I was the living proof of my father’s infidelity and I was never going to be equal to her only child.”

 

Maggie hummed and tapped her fingers on her knees.

 

“That’s as far as we’ve gotten before. Should we dive further today?”

 

“Well,” Lena said crossing her legs and gesturing sarcastically. “Feel free to give me your assessment.”

 

“We’ve discussed before that your brother’s death was a trigger for underlying issues. Abandonment for one. Your biological mother, your father, your brother, your fiancé,” she said, listing them out on her fingers. 

 

“We’re still working on some of those and have yet to touch others. I think that you’ve been seeking validation for the majority of your life. This need to be loved and wanted. When your mother died, even though it wasn’t intentional, as a child you were abandoned to the world. Then you were taken in by a highly dysfunctional family." 

 

"Your father withdrew to a place you couldn’t follow the second he allowed you in his door, then he died when you were eleven. You’ll never be able to understand or discern his motives for yourself. Questions, you will never have the opportunity to ask." 

 

"As you’ve grown up, you’ve learnt to play your part. Prove, that you're worthy of the name Luthor. You work your ass off, you get the best grades you win all your competitions. You're a chess champion, a math genius and science prodigy. But none of that was enough to be _enough_. So you lash out and self-medicate your insecurities. You work hard and you play hard. You buy yourself friends, you party, you travel, you drink. But that anxiety, that your not good enough to handle it, doesn’t go away." 

 

"You fall in love with a woman you think you’re not worthy of.Then we come to your brother, the one that was the only one to accept you and love you in your new family. The only one who was there for you, who didn’t expect anything from you. The one who comforted you. The _only_ one, who comforted you.”

 

“Then he became sick, and your mother didn’t want to believe it or admit it. And you… you blamed yourself.”

 

“And why wouldn’t you?” She said shrugging.

 

“Everything that’s ever gone wrong has been your fault. You should have been there for your brother. You didn’t do enough.”

 

“And then he died. And suddenly, everything was on you. Your whole life, you wanted to be accepted as a Luthor, and now that’s all the world will see you as." 

 

"And the only family you have left to is a mother who never wanted anything to do with you. And you, the mistake, are now the CEO of a company that you were never supposed to have. Nobody wants you there. Your ‘friends’, your fiancé, your mother. You begin to finally cave under the lifetime of difficulties you have endured. You get anxiety attacks, you have depression, your friends stop calling and you are now running an international multi-billion dollar company. Whose most prominent board member, your mother, is completely hostile and wants you to be a puppet. And you can’t do it. You can’t be the perfect Luthor. And she removes you, and all you have left of your identity is your fiancé.”

 

Maggie paused.

 

“Who then leaves you, and now you have nothing.”

 

There was a silence.

 

“Are we talking about my family, or me?”

 

The psychologist tilted her head.

 

“We’re always talking about you, Lena.”

 

The ex CEO sat in silence, absorbing Maggie’s influx and, as usual, blunt assessment of her person. She rubbed hands together softly. At the start of her stay if Maggie had told her what she had just said, then she would have completely fallen apart. Maybe not in public, but alone in her room.

 

But five weeks in a psychiatric hospital, without the influence of her name or her actions tainting it, was a long time to think about the foundations or her past character and what she wanted to do with her future self.

 

Lena took a deep breath before she responded.

 

“I have these memories, of my real mother. She had the most beautiful voice. She would sing me these lullabies and I don’t remember the words, but I never forgot the sound of her voice. I remember trips with her on the bus, we would take it to the shops. I was born in Ireland, the rain used to pound against the bus’ windows and I'd be frightened by the noise. Then she would sing to me. That was what I wanted to find again when she died. The simple type of love that came so naturally to her.”

 

“I loved Lex, I really did. And I was desperate for him to love me. I think he did, but he loved himself far more. It’s hard for me to be angry with him. He was a child too, even if he was older. He never called mother out for her behaviour. When she would send me to bed without dinner because the night before I spilled sauce on my dress. But he would always come and read with me after.He was the only person in my life who was kind to me.”

 

“But he was cruel to others. And it’s hard to know whether that was because he had schizophrenia or because that's who he was. Do I hate the man or the disease? He killed those people, but he doesn’t have to live with that. I do.”

 

“I agree with you, about the people I thought were friends. I was only worthwhile as long as I was useful to them. I think I always knew that though… but it was nice to pretend.”

 

“And Veronica…. I can’t fault her. She never lied to me about who she was, I lied to myself because I desperately wanted to mould her into the love of my life.”

 

“And it’s true, I have nothing left… But I don’t think that’s a bad thing anymore. I read somewhere or heard somewhere, that the best thing about rock bottom is that you can only go up from here. Maybe by detonating my life, even the foundations, I have the chance to build something more solid. Something that’s mine, not anyone else’s.”

 

“And I guess that means, that I’m now in a position to have everything.”

 

Maggie stared at Lena for a few minutes silently, allowing the green-eyed woman’s words to settle.

 

“When we first spoke,” she began softly, tracing the lines on her chair's armrest. “You said your goal was to get your head on right, so you could get your life back. Is that something you still want?”

 

Lena’s mind flickered in thought.

 

“I still want my life back. Just not the one I had.”

 

The Latina woman let out a wide smile, her eyes crinkling at the corners.

 

“I would call that a breakthrough, Lena.”

 

The businesswoman gave her a large grin.

 

“I seem to be getting them fast right? Comparatively to others?”

 

Maggie rolled her eyes and replied drily.

 

“Competitive much?”

 

The dark-haired woman laughed and the psychologist stood up.

 

“Well, I think we’ve certainly covered a lot. You're doing really well though Lena. Your progress is admirable. I think its about time for you to start thinking about what your new life will entail. Talk soon?”

 

Lena nodded and exited the opened door to Maggie’s office.

 

“Thanks, Maggie.”

 

The dimpled woman smirked.

 

“Just doing my job.”

 

* * *

 

After Lena went back to her room to freshen up, she headed to the mess room for lunch when she was stopped by Clark.

 

“Hello Lena,” the tall man said smiling charmingly.

 

“Hi Clark,” she returned back easily.

 

The time she had spent with, and observed, Clark had proven that her misgivings surrounding the other man were unfounded. He had many similarities with Lex, for sure. The charm, the looks… the delusions. 

 

But while Lex’s paranoia always rotated around other people trying to attack him. Clark’s were about inflating his abilities to help others. And while Lex always had questionable morals, the clean-shaven ‘superhero’ was a paragon of good values. 

 

“Would you like to walk with me?” She offered. “I was just heading to lunch.”

 

“I’d love to,” the big man answered with an excited grin. “But first, I have something to show you.”

 

He was nearly quivering on the spot and he gestured for Lena to follow him into his room, somewhere she had never been before. The walls were as covered as Kara’s, but instead of words, his were full of sketches. Anything from drawings from furniture, flowers, landscapes and profiles of people. One wall in particular, was full of drawings of the same woman. 

 

Lena moved closer to see clearly a particularly beautiful abstract portrait of the red headed lady.

 

“That’s Lois,” Clark said softly next to her.

 

It was clear to the green-eyed woman how much the clean-shaven man adored his wife. His devotion was clear in his tone whenever he talked about her and his drawings were so emotional, Lena could practically feel the love emanating from them.

 

“How did you meet her?”

 

Clark smiled softly and traced his fingers over one of the portraits.

 

“I was doing street art and she would walk by my corner every morning going to work. She would always smile at me. One day, I asked if I could paint her portrait. After I finished it, I gave it to her for free and she must have taken it to work because the next thing I knew the arts column at the Daily Planet, she's a journalist, wanted to interview me. I was up and coming. She made me. I went from homelessness to the next big thing. We’ve been together for seven years now, married for three.”

 

Lena frowned slightly.

 

“But haven’t you been in here-“

 

“For two and a half? She knew, well suspected for a lot longer. But despite my… problems. She loved me. The day I was officially diagnosed, they told me it was best not to make any drastic life decisions. I asked her to marry me on the spot, and she said yes.”

 

Lena couldn’t help but smile at the tall man’s gooey expression.

 

“True love. It’s a beautiful thing,” she commented.

 

Clark smiled and stared at her intently.

 

“Yes. Yes, it is. When you find it, don’t let go.”

 

Lena nearly blushed at the schizophrenic’s man loaded look but coughed instead.

 

“So… you wanted to show me something?”

 

“Yes,” he said moving to pick up a canvas Lena recongnised well.

 

She gasped.

 

“You finished it? I can see it?”

 

The dark haired man smiled giddily and turned the painting around so she could view it for the first time.

 

The sight brought Lena’s hand to her mouth and tears in her eyes.

 

It was a stunning depiction of her. She was pictured in profile, standing amongst a bed of thorns and weeds that wrapped around her legs. The dark plants looked painful, even cutting into her calves. But the expression on her face wasn’t scared, it was determined.

 

She was pulling herself up, into a beautifully blue sky.

 

The same shade as Kara’s eyes.

 

Clark watched her nervously waiting for her reaction.

 

“Thank you so much Clark,” she managed the choke out. “You have no idea how much… Can I hug you?”

 

The big man blinked, but placed the painting down before opening his arms. Lena ran into them and squeezed tight.

 

“I painted it the way I see you Lena,” he said when they parted and she picked up the painting. 

 

His fingers hovered over the dark thorns and traced up the body of the figure towards the blue sky.

 

“So much pain, but so much strength. I hope it’s a reminder of that for you.”

 

Lena wiped the tears out of her eyes and picked the canvas up like it was a newborn child. 

 

“Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

After they had put the painting away, the pair walked to the mess room. The rest of the group was already seated and when they entered Kara’s eyes locked on Lena’s. Even though she'd known the other woman for nearly five weeks, it still gave her the same same excited and terrified thrill whenever the blonde stared at her. The blue-eyed woman’s eyes raked up and down Lena’s body quickly and the green-eyed woman resisted the urge to moan.

 

If she wasn’t going to touch her, why did she have to drive her so crazy?

 

Lena slid into the seat next to the woman and could practically feel the heat from her gaze. The sexual tension in their relationship was reaching boiling point. Lena had never been chaste and she feared that she had cursed herself when she asked to go slow. Lena felt like she was going to combust internally. 

“Clark give you the painting then?” Mike asked cheerfully, while digging into this lunch with gusto.

 

“He spent most of the night finishing it.”

 

“It’s beautiful,” Lena said sincerely.

 

Kara smiled at her fondly.

 

“You have to show it to me. I’ll show you mine.”

 

Sam snorted into her food causing the other table’s occupants to look at her.

 

“Oh come on,” she said with an arched eyebrow, pointing her fork at Kara. “Did you even hear what you just said?”

 

The blonde’s ears began the burn red and Lena readied a sharp look at the other brunette woman, but Sam had already gone back to eating.

 

“For the record,” Lena whispered lowly and in a sultry voice so only Kara could hear. “I’ll show you mine whenever you want.”

 

Kara snorted water out of her nose which caused the entire table to burst into laughter, even Sam. Winn chose that moment to walk into the room and collect their trays. His eyes flickered over the group and lingered on Sam momentarily.

 

“What’s so funny guys?”

 

“Nothing,” Mike said, still grinning widely. “Kara had near drowning experience, that’s all.”

 

The nurse look thoroughly perplexed, and Kara wiped her nose furiously and raw on her paper napkin. After the nurse left and the group began to wander towards the group meeting, Kara took the opportunity to pinch Lena.

 

“Oww! What was that for?” Lena said painfully, rubbing her arm and frowning at the blonde.

 

Kara was looking at her with a less then amused expression.

 

“You did that on purpose,” she said through her teeth.

 

“Well,” Lena said smugly.

 

“Someone has to remind you of what you’re missing out on.”

 

The bipolar woman ran her eyes lasciviously up and down the brunette’s figure.

 

“You’re reminder enough, beautiful,” she whispered.

 

Lena shook out her illicit thoughts when they reached the group room. Before she entered, she turned to face the blue-eyed woman.

 

“Behave.”

 

* * *

 

“What’s your favourite movie?”

 

“Oh, so we’re at _that_ part of our relationship are we?”

 

Kara let out an incredulous laugh from her side of the couch.

 

“You make it sound like this is the start of lesbian bed death.”

 

The dark haired woman arched an eyebrow at her blonde counterpart.

 

“I can assure you darling,” she drawled. “Bed death will never be my problem.”

 

The bipolar woman blushed furiously, but pressed the point.

 

“You’re telling me you never talked about your favourite movie with you girlfriends?”

 

“Well,” Lena said stretching while pondering the question.

 

“I never really dated per se. The most serious relationship I’ve ever had was with Veronica, and it wasn’t really born out of shared interest in films. At least not the kind of films I’m sure you’re thinking of,” she mumbled to herself.

 

Lena looked over at the blonde who seemed deep in thought. The brunette felt a stab of panic.

 

“I hope that doesn’t freak you out.”

 

Kara gave her a bright smile, dismissing her fears.

 

“Why would that freak me out? I’m not exactly the paragon of normal relationships. What does that even mean anyway? Who constitutes what normal means? I wouldn’t say this is… errr…. traditional.”

 

The green-eyed woman smiled in return and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, something the blonde’s eyes lingered on.

 

“Still,” Kara said hoarsely before coughing. “I would like to know what your favourite movie is.”

 

“Well,” Lena said coyly. “What’s yours?”

 

“Shrek,” The blonde said without hesitation. “Well actually the whole Shrek franchise.”

 

Lena frowned in confusion.

 

“The green guy right?”

 

Kara looked at her like she’d grown a second head.

 

“You’re kidding right? You haven’t seen Shrek!? But it’s a classic! I mean, I’m a Disney nut. But Shrek is my all-time favourite. I always turn it on when I’m having problems writing. Something about the sound in the background just sets off my muse. The jokes never get old, and I love the message.”

 

“You love your messages, don’t you?” Lena said amusedly.

 

The blonde nudged her with her foot.

 

“Come on, it’s awesome! Love is blind, it’s whats on the inside that counts. And the jokes… so many jokes. When we get out, we can watch it together.”

 

“Why do you like making plans with me so much?” Lena inquired.

 

Kara looked slightly hesitant to answer, staring down at her fingernails.

 

“It gives me motivation, I guess. That, and I’ve always flown by the seat of my pants. It’s nice to have a plan for once.”

 

Lena softened.

 

“Well,” she said slowly . “I’m honoured that you’re planning with me. And for the record, I don’t have a favourite movie. There’s too many to choose from.”

 

Kara groaned, the seriousness forgotten.

 

“So you’re one of _those_ people.” 

 

“One of what people?”

 

“The one’s who never decide. You guys are the worst to go to dinner with.”

 

Lena let out a short laugh.

 

“Excuse me, I have firm opinions on important things!”

 

Kara faked mortification.

 

“Excuse _me_ , movies are important!”

 

“Ok, ok,” Lena said waving her hands. “But… its an obvious part of you. What’s an un obvious part of you, something no one else knows.”

 

Kara thought for a moment, before she answered.

 

“I collect stamps. No one else knows that. Not even my sister.”

 

The dark haired woman was speechless, but it oddly made sense.

 

“I can see that actually.”

 

“Well? What about you?”

 

The ex CEO thought for a moment.

 

“I love shopping at Target. It’s my favourite store.”

 

The blonde tilted her head back, absorbing the new information.

 

“Wow. I did not see that coming. But we should totally do Black Friday together.”

 

The dark haired woman smiled brightly at the blonde. The feeling of closeness that she had with Kara. She’d never had that before. Maybe once she’d had it with her birth mom, but even with Lex it was never as… intimate. She trusted Kara more then she had ever trusted anyone before. Something about the other woman made her feel safe. Ever since the night they’d slept together… It was like they were bonded by something unique, that only they shared. 

 

“So is this something normal girlfriends do you think then?” She asked the blonde.

 

Kara hummed.

 

“I guess. Their likes, their dislikes. Who they first kissed. How they came out...”

 

Lena arched an eyebrow in amusement.

 

“I’m sensing a question there?”

 

The bipolar woman looked mortified.

 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to! I completely understand.”

 

“Kara,” Lena said patting the blonde’s knee to calm her down. “It’s not a state secret.”

 

She stopped to gather her thoughts.

 

“I think I always knew. I always thought girls were the most pretty things on the planet. It never seems to bother my family. I think my mother just assumed it was something else to lump in with my numerous other faults. And my brother always thought my school results were far more important. He did seem rather encouraging of my one night stands though,” Lena said frowning.

 

“He believed allowing yourself to be vulnerable to other people, would only lead to betryal..”

 

Kara was looking at her with sympathy, and Lena tried to turn the conversation.

 

“What about you?”

 

“Oh it took me years. I had boyfriends growing up, and I really did like them. But once I got to college, I met these girls. It was confusing for me, because I didn’t stop looking at guys any differently. I kind of suppressed that part of myself after this really bad breakup I had. The girl accused me of using her and being an experimenting straight girl.”

 

The blonde rubbed her hand over her arm while shrugging.

 

“I suppose it was technically true, but I felt so guilty that I refused to acknowledge that part of myself until I met my first serious girlfriend. She was also bisexual and it explained a lot of it to me. My sister also came out as gay at the same time and we helped each other. But my family was always accepting. They were far more worried about _me_ than my sexuality.”

 

Lena hummed.

 

“Do ever think about that chances of us meeting we’re tiny? All those insane factors leading up to us finding each other. Maybe you’d still be untreated. Maybe I’d be in the closet. Maybe I never would have tried to kill myself.”

 

The blonde rubbed her foot against the green-eyed woman’s leg gently.

 

“If you hadn’t come here to get help, then we never would have met. I’m pretty lucky you did.”

 

Lena felt the now familiar warm glow in her chest light up.

 

“Are you ever not sweet?”

 

Kara gave her a toothy grin.

 

“Never. Better schedule a regular dentists appointment.”  


 

The ex CEO rolled her eyes at the blonde’s ridiculous sense of humour.

 

“Hey! At least you have a girlfriend who can make you laugh.”

 

Lena tilted her head and the corner of her mouth twitched.

 

“Oh? I thought this was a casual thing,” she teased.

 

“Well… I mean… Only if you want… I mean-“ The blonde spluttered out, making Lena laugh.

 

“You’re right, I do have a girlfriend that can make me laugh.”

 

The bipolar woman beamed, and Lena couldn’t help but return the wide smile. 

 

“Well then, if we’re going to be girlfriends… I better know your favourite colour.”

 

* * *

 

The last few weeks after dinner had featured an ongoing chess match between Lena and Mike. When Kara had found out of the brunette woman’s passion for the game, she had insisted on breaking out the battered board. The only problem was that the blonde was a terrible chess player. After five games that ended in five minutes, the observing Mike had volunteered to take the bipolar woman’s spot. 

 

Lena had been dubious about the man’s abilities, but she was pleasantly surprised when the man could hold his own against her. Considering that she was a chess champion, it was no small feat. Mike explained that he had been expected to learn the game from a young age, along with polo evidently.

 

_“Ughh, worse game on the planet. And the groupies were horrendous.”_

 

_“Polo matches have groupies?”_

 

_“At mine they did.”_

 

Lena made her next move quickly, cornering the bearded man’s queen and making the man contemplate the board while scratching his beard.

 

“So I got called into Jonn’s office today,” the man said absentmindedly, moving a piece.

 

The green-eyed woman looked up sharply.

 

“What’s happening?” She said shortly and with an arched brow.

 

Mike blinked at her fraught tone and gave her a smile.

 

“Hey, nothing wrong. He told me he sent his recommendation to the court that I should be released. He thinks I might be out as soon as next week.”

 

The ex CEO was slightly mollified, but nearly jumped in her chair.

 

“Mike! That’s awesome!”

 

The bearded man gave her a weak smile and nodded.

 

“Yeah…”

 

The businesswoman’s smile faded and was replaced with concern.

 

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you happy?”

 

Mike waved away her questions.

 

“No, no! I really am happy to be leaving. It’s just…. I don’t know what I’m going to do once I’ve left.”

 

Lena felt a wave of familiarity sweep over her. Maggie had explained to her that it was normal once you were ready to leave, not to want to anymore. Fear of the change the outside world would bring. In here, you had endless amounts of support and understanding people. The real world was far different.

 

“What if it’s all going to be the same?” Mike questioned.

 

The green-eyed woman placed a hand over the man’s.

 

“It won’t be unless you let it. You have a chance to start anew in your skin. And you have a girlfriend who will be there to support you. Mike, you can make your life into whatever you want it to be.”

 

The man’s eyes crinkled as he smiled at her.

 

“Careful Luthor, you’re starting to sound reformed.”

 

She let out a laugh.

 

“Please, don’t tell anybody. It's a secret. But I think when I came here, I had this idea in my head that getting better meant my depression and anxiety disappearing. But, I think it’s more complicated then that. Because I can still feel it,” she said, pressing her hand to her chest.

 

“In here.”

 

“But… it’s becoming muted. It used to control me, now I feel more in control of it. And it's such a relief to feel like I have power over myself again. That I wont be dominated by this… thing forever.”

 

“I feel the same,” Mike answered.

 

“Then that’s how you know you’ll be ok. Just remember to be true to yourself, and who you want to be and you’ll be fine. Besides, once the rest of us get out Kara wants to have game nights. So you better scratch up on your chess while you're on your own out there.”

 

“Hey! I’m good at chess.”

 

Lena smirked before moving a piece and putting Mike in checkmate.

 

The tall man cursed profusely.

 

* * *

 

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

 

“Of course I’m sure. I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t. Besides, Lucy’s been bugging me to meet you for weeks.”

 

Lena nervously nodded and wiped the palms of her hands on her pants. Meeting Kara’s best friend was making her jumpy. She would probably be terrified when she got to meet the formidable sounding Alex, but Kara was still refusing to speak to her sister and seemed determined to continue doing so for the foreseeable future. Lucy was another story. Evidently she was ecstatic at the idea of meeting her.

 

“Ok then,” Lena replied uncertainly. She took a deep breath before walking into the meeting room after Kara. The blonde woman was immediately tackled by a shorter haired brunette.

 

“Kara!” She squealed, squeezing tightly as the blonde woman picked her up in a hug.  She was released with a laugh and Lena felt a pang of unwarranted jealousy pierce her chest at the easy familiarity of the pair’s relationship. Sam’s words about the nature of the bond between Kara and Lucy echoed through her mind, but nevertheless she plastered a smile on her face and held out her hand to shake.

 

Instead, the wind was knocked out of her as she was gripped in a vice like hug of her own.

 

“Lucy!” Kara hissed, prying the other woman off her. “You can’t slam into people like that!”

 

“No,” Lena replied winded. “It’s fine.”

 

Lucy gave her a wild kind of grin.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m just so excited to meet you. This one,” she said punching Kara in the shoulder lightly. “Hasn’t shut up about you since you arrived.”

 

The blonde blushed at her friends teasing.

 

“That is not true,” she whispered back as red as a tomato.

 

“I don’t know, Kara.” Lena said with amusement. “It looks pretty true.”

 

Lucy let out a string of laughter and gave the ex CEO an appreciative look.

 

“I think we’re going to get on great Luthor.”

 

Lena britstled internally at the use of her last name and felt a stab of anger towards Kara for tellingthe former patient who she was. She knew that she would be judged the second anyone heard it. These days, she preferred to be anonymous.

 

Lucy must have picked up on the energy, because she hastily responded.

 

“No one told me, it’s just that I recognised you from the news. You’ve been on TV a fair bit this week.”

 

Lena blinked back her surprise.

 

“I have?”

 

Th lawyer nodded emphatically.

 

“Yep. You weren’t at the annual Luthor Ball or something and people really noticed. There is a tonne of speculation floating around about where you're hiding and why. Most people think you’ve gone into exile since being ousted. My favourite theory so far, is that you’re secretly building up your own company to destroy Luthor Corp. I thought that had a nice ring to it. I’m sure you’d rather be doing that then being stuck with this nutcase,” she finished, shooting Kara a fond look.

 

Lena looked at the blonde and her worries dissipated.

 

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be actually.”

 

Kara stared at her intently and was about to open her mouth when Lucy cut her off.

 

“Oh my God. Kara, just take this girl to meet the mops already,” she said in an exasperated tone.

 

The blonde blushed and Lena was confused.

 

“What does meeting the mops-“

 

“Nothing! Just a stupid joke, right Lucy?” Kara said flustered.

 

The short haired woman nodded along, but a sly smile snuck over her face as her eyes flickered between the other women. 

 

“I have a confession to make Lena. I think I already like you more than Kara,” she said seriously.

 

“Hey!”

 

* * *

 

“I like Lucy,” Lena said while staring up at the sky and imagining the clouds forming shapes.

 

Kara paused her reading to respond.

 

“She liked you as well. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her get along with someone as fast as she did with you actually. Lucy’s pretty suspicious.”

 

“Hmmm, maybe she felt she owed me. For knowing that I’m a Luthor.”

 

The green-eyed woman felt the trace of a finger up her arm, which left goosebumps in it’s wake.

 

“Why do you wear your last name like it’s the only thing worth knowing about you?”

 

Lena turned to stare into the bipolar woman’s concerned eyes. She reached forward and grasped her fingers, intertwining them with her own.

 

“Because it’s all the world sees when they look at me. It’s really quite ironic. I wanted to be a Luthor all my life so I could be accepted, and when I finally get my wish the exact opposite occurs.”

 

Kara’s face contorted slightly and she traced her thumb over Lena’s skin.

 

“You know you don’t need to be accepted by anyone but yourself right?”

 

Lena smiled sadly and held their clasped hands to her chest briefly.

 

“I know darling. But it’s still nice.”

 

Lena saw that Kara hesitated, ready to kiss her, and a wave of sadness washed over her. This hiding and keeping secrets wasn’t her. It could be fun, but in the end it left a foul taste in her mouth, but the other alternative was being separated from the blonde. Something she wasn’t willing to do.

 

But she still wanted Kara to be able to kiss her whenever she liked. And her one night of cuddling had only left her wanting more.

 

“Beautiful, those people just don’t know you. If they did, they would see what I see. An intelligent, caring and funny woman who wouldn’t hurt a fly. In fact, you’d probably be the first person to invent a hospital for flies,” she said contemplatively.

 

Lena couldn’t help but giggle, which made Kara smile.

 

“A hospital for flies? Really?”

 

“Well I don’t know. Once you’ve cured cancer and brought about world peace, you’ve got to have something you’ll want to do with your time.”

 

Lena let go of Kara’s hand, and stroked her own lightly over the blonde’s thigh.

 

“I can think of a few things.”

 

The blonde caught her trailing fingers and Lena let out a frustrated sigh before she withdrew her hand.

 

“I know why we’re being careful, and don’t misunderstand darling, I agree. But I’m starting to think my real problem isn’t depression but sexual frustration.”

 

There was a slight pause before Kara responded sounding apologetic.

 

“Believe me beautiful, there is nothing I’d rather do then-“

 

“Show me the mops?” Lena finished with a smirk.

 

The sight of the bipolar woman blushing was easily the ex CEO’s new favourite thing.

 

“Well… yes. But my plans aren’t limited to janitors closets.”

 

“Oh?” 

 

Kara sat up and smiled down at Lena, her eyes tracing over her face before she reached over and tucked a strand of the brunette’s loose hair behind her ear. 

 

“One day I’ll read you my new book of _that_ type of poetry. My imagination has been running rampant.”

 

“Well,” Lena replied feeling bit flustered at the idea of being written about in the presumably erotic poems. “I’m glad I’m not the only one going mad.”

 

The blonde smiled beautifully.

 

“Too late beautiful. We’re already there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact. Shrek is actually my favourite movie, and I do play it in the background when I write. It works like a charm every time.


	10. Innocence Is A Kind Of Insanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are, chapter ten whew. I hope you guys enjoy, let me know below :)

Kara woke with a gasp, her heart pounding against her chest. Her thoughts were racing, and she struggled to pin down the flashes of the nightmare that had woken her up.

 

_She was flying and fighting… somebody._

 

_A face in a mask with a twisted sneer._

 

_Then she was falling while Lena watched with a horrified expression._

 

The blonde frowned and rubbed her forehead before she peeled the covers off of her sweat soaked body. This place really was starting to get to her, clearly she was spending too much time with Clark. It wasn’t the first night she had had dreams where she had flown, but usually, they were happy ones. On occasion, she rescued the odd pet out of a tree, although why her brain manifested a snake called Fluffy she had no idea…

 

But this was the first time she was fighting someone. And the first time Lena had been there. 

 

In a superhero dream. She’d been in other dreams…

 

Kara flushed at her own thoughts and began to start sweating again. The blonde quickly stripped off her drenched clothes and jumped into the shower. By the time she was feeling decidedly less stressed and much more clean, the blonde began to feel her eyes droop in sleepiness. A downside, in the bipolar woman’s eyes, of her moods evening out was that she required what was considered ‘normal’ hours of sleep. It was annoying on this occasion in particular, as she had no desire to climb back into her sticky bed. So instead, she chose to drag the discarded comforter and a pillow over to the window where she made a bed on the floor. Watching the stars as she fell asleep always made her feel at peace. It wasn’t something she could do in the city, so one of the things she desperately enjoyed about her stay here was the chance to do so again. It brought back memories of her childhood when her father would take her camping and they would stare up at the sky and give the constellations made up origin stories while her mother scoffed at her husband and daughter’s silliness. Whenever Kara was sad, her dad would always suggest they camp in the backyard and no matter what time Alura got back from court, she would always crawl into the tent with them. 

 

Kara remembered the days of her childhood with bitter fondness. Her life had been torn away from her when the fire happened, burning her childhood home to the ground. Her father had gotten his daughter out safely, but went back in for his wife when the roof collapsed. A broken Kara was left sobbing in the arms of her father’s lab partner as the remains of her house and parents burned.

 

And that was how the blonde had ended up being adopted by the Danvers. Jeremiah and his wife had taken her in. They couldn’t bear to part themselves from the devastated Kara and abandon her to the foster system.

 

Her transition into her new family wasn’t easy. Taking in a traumatised teenager was always going to be difficult, but especially so when her new adoptive sister was completely hostile to the idea of sharing her home, parents and life. Of course, now after endless hours of therapy, it was concluded that the trauma of losing her parents had triggered her bipolar and launching her into her first major depression. So many of Kara’s ‘quirks’ were attributed to what had happened to her and even though they were corroding to the blonde’s functionality, the Danvers had made allowances for it. 

 

Sometimes, in her more depressed moments, Kara wondered what would have happened if she had been diagnosed earlier, preferably before she had completely blown her own life apart. But ever since Lena had arrived, the blonde had come to a new conclusion. Maybe it would have been better if she had been diagnosed earlier, but then again, maybe she wouldn’t have believed it. Maybe she never would have been diagnosed at all, and her life would have spiralled to new and even deeper depths. But there was no point dreaming of what if’s, she had to live in the moment.

 

Right now, she was becoming healthier and hopefully growing into a better person. 

 

And she had Lena. And she wouldn’t wish to change anything if didn’t lead her to meeting the brunette woman.

 

Kara fell asleep under the light of the stars and with a smile on her face.

 

* * *

 

For the first time in her entire stay at Krypton, Kara slept in. She was woken from her slumber by a knock on her door and she let out a muffled groan.

 

“Kara? Are you ok?” Lena’s worried voice sounded out from behind the door.

 

The blonde quickly scrambled to her feet only to be hindered by her blankets wrapping around her feet. In her haste, she managed to fall flat on her face with a loud thump and a cry when her nose hit the floor.

 

While tears streamed from her eyes in pain, the blonde could just make out the fuzzy shape of Lena crouching over her.

 

“Oh my God Kara, are you alright?”

 

The bipolar woman felt a touch on her shoulder and she flapped Lena’s concern away with one hand, while gingerly touching her excruciatingly painful nose with the other.

 

“Oh nob, I’b fime,” she said muffledly while blearily looking up into concerned green eyes.

 

Lena hushed her, before gently touching her cool fingers around the blonde’s nose. Kara held in a hiss, but the ex CEO must have noticed her tense because she withdrew immediately.

 

“Well, I don’t think it’s broken but you should probably get it looked at all the same. Come on, I’ll help you up,” she said before unwrapping the blankets from Kara’s legs and helping her stand.The blonde gave her girlfriend a weak smile as she was led slowly out of the room.

 

“Goog morninb,” she said stuffily making Lena laugh and shake her head in bemusement.

 

“A rather dramatic morning so far, don’t you think? I thought you must have died when you weren’t at breakfast when I got there, so I came to check on you. Were you still asleep?”

 

Kara nodded in reply and Lena arched an eyebrow.

 

“I never thought I’d see the day when you missed the sunrise, though I wholeheartedly approve. How on earth you managed to fall down, I have no idea.”

 

The blonde tried to explain as clearly as she could.

 

“I hab a bab dweab lash nighp, so i slefp by dhe winbow, toh look at dhe staws. I hearb you ap dhe door, anb wheb I stoob up dhe blankeps were arounb my feeb.”

 

Kara felt a stab of annoyance when Lena couldn’t contain her laughter at her shambling speech and sent her a quick look that silenced the dark-haired woman who patted the blonde’s shoulder in sympathy.

 

“Sorry,” she said in a guiltily and Kara shrugged and gave her a half smile.

 

“Ibf ok.”

 

The blonde felt something wet dribble out of her nose and when she touched her face again, her fingers came back bloody. She quickly tilted her head back and saw that Lena had turned as white as ghost.

 

“Oh, Imb sowwy,” she muffled out before gently pinching the end of her nose with a wince. 

 

“Do you hab a thing aboub blood?”

 

Lena cleared her throat and blinked before she replied stuttering.

 

“Ah… no, I ummmm… the blood… it just brought me back to….”

 

The blonde was about to inquire further, but Jonn appeared around the corner of the hallway carrying a stack of papers. The doctor’s eyes flickered from Lena to Kara before fixating on the blonde’s nose.

 

“I see you’ve managed to get in a bit of trouble there Ms Danvers. What did you do?” He asked in his gravelly voice before coming forward to look at the blue-eyed woman’s nose.

 

“I fell,” she said simply. 

 

Jonn sighed before gesturing for the bipolar woman to follow him and spoke over his shoulder to Lena.

 

“You can head to breakfast, Lena. I’ll take Kara to my office to check out the damage. I guess it’s about time I used my medical degree for something more hands on.”

 

Lena cast one final look at Kara, before turning and walking off. The blonde haired woman followed after the psychiatrist and he handed her the tissues for her nose when they reached his office.

 

“Ok then, let me have a look,” the dark skinned man said while gently prodding around her face. He huffed, before leaning back on his heels and reaching into his mini freezer for a bag of medical gel. 

 

“Here,” he said handing it to her, wrapped in his handkerchief. “I don’t think it’s broken, but it’s definitely swollen. You should keep that on it for a while.”

 

Kara flinched when the cold bag made contact.

 

“Ipf colb,” she complained, and the doctor rolled his eyes before he sat down behind his desk. He reached into his drawer and pulled out a few packets of cookies and the blonde’s mouth began to water.

 

“Eat up,” he said, staring at the woman’s skill at opening the packets one-handed. 

 

The blonde chewed eagerly, successfully distracted from the pain and cold. The man waited until she was three cookies in before speaking again.

 

“I hadn’t heard from your sister in a while, a couple of weeks actually, so I decided to call her yesterday.”

 

Kara stiffened in her seat at the mention of Alex, and the curdled anger in her stomach flared to new life. This was just she needed, her overprotective older sibling tattling again about her fears regarding the blonde’s relationship with Lena. 

 

“She told me she’s been out of the country for work. Geneva, I think she said,” Jonn stated while frowning. 

 

“I’m surprised she didn’t tell me before she left, Alex has always been very….errrr…. attentive when it comes to you.”

 

Kara blinked rapidly and gathered her words to reply.

 

“Oh, yep… for a comperence. Ip was preddy sudden.”

 

Jonn’s frown deepened and his brow creased. The blonde began to feel her heart race in her chest.

 

“Ok then. Well, she said she didn’t know exactly when she’d be back, but let me know when she is so I can organise an update, will you?”

 

The bipolar woman nodded rapidly in relief at not being probed further. She was convinced that Alex hadn’t left the country. She never would have done that without informing Kara and the hospital in case there was an emergency. So if her sister had lied to the psychiatrist, it could only be because she didn’t want him to know about their falling out, or the reason for it. 

 

Well… that was surprising. 

 

Kara distracted herself from thinking too deeply about it.

 

“What do you want to update her on anyway?” She asked the taller man.

 

Jonn gave her his first smile of the morning.

 

“Well, I’ve been very impressed with the progress you’ve been making in the last few weeks Kara. It’s probably time that you and your sister start to think about what you're going to do once you leave.”

 

The blonde was stunned, and her heart skipped a beat while her mouth gapped like a fish. Jonn grinned widely and waited for Kara to gather her wits.

 

“You mean… I’m getting out?” She asked with apprehension, thinking she might have misunderstood the older man's words.

 

“Not right away, but it’s definitely time to start planning. Now, take that off and let's have a look at your nose.”

 

Kara removed the ice pack fand checked if she was still bleeding.

 

“Better now?” Jonn asked.

 

The blonde nodded and gave him a smile. It still hurt, but at least she could breathe.

 

“Much better.”

 

And speak.

 

The big man nodded and held his hand out for the icepack.

 

“You can probably still catch breakfast if you’re fast, better hurry though,” he said as she exited the room.

 

The bipolar woman nearly sprinted to the mess room. Nothing on heaven or earth would tear her away from breakfast. She entered to find the others nearly done with their food, all except Lena who was poking her eggs around her plate with a distant expression. The dark-haired woman looked up though when Kara entered and gave her a small smile.

 

“How’s your nose?” She asked with an edge of concern in her voice.

 

Kara returned with an easy grin, before sitting in her chair and basically vacuuming up her food.

 

“Much better,” she managed to answer between gulps.

 

Sam eyed her teddy print pyjama bottoms with distaste.

 

“Well no one here is surprised that you fell on your face, puppy. Hopefully it knocked some fashion sense into you for all our sakes. Tell me, do you really enjoy dressing like a five year old? Or is it because that is all your mental capacity can hope for?”

 

The blonde flushed, but bit her tongue to stop retorting. Surprisingly Lena didn’t spring to her defence and judging by the look on her face, the blonde wondered if she had even heard.

 

“Well it wouldn’t be the full experience on my last day without a shitty comment from you Arias,” Mike said with sarcastic fondness.

 

The brunette scowled at the bearded man, but remained quiet. Kara beamed at the bearded man, she had forgotten that he would be leaving tomorrow.

 

“I’m going to miss you, Mike.” Clark said with a sad smile.

 

“Me too buddy,” the BPD man said, clapping Clark on the shoulder. “Our Go Fish games will go down in the history of this place.”

 

“What do you want to do on your last night here Mike?” The blue-eyed woman asked with excitement, nearly hovering out of her chair.

 

The bearded man shot her a grin, before his eyes flickered to Lena.

 

“I figure a final round of Monopoly is in order. I need to beat this lady at least once before I depart,” he teased.

 

The green-eyed woman seemed to zone back into reality at his comment, and smirked at the other man.

 

“I don’t want to crush your dreams Matthews, but you’ll never beat me.”

 

Mike let out a laugh.

 

“One day, Lena. One day.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey, are you ok?” Kara asked worriedly while she sat on the opposite end of the couch to her girlfriend. 

 

Lena had been quiet since this morning, and seemed to be drifting off into her own thoughts routinely. The blonde didn’t want to probe, but she was starting to get anxious about the green-eyed woman’s behaviour.

 

The ex CEO startled from her book and looked up at Kara blinking.

 

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

 

“Are you ok?” Kara repeated, stressing the last word.

 

Lena nodded distractedly and before the blonde could ask anything else, the brunette woman cut her off with a question of her own.

 

“So what happened with Jonn this morning?” She asked.

 

Kara’s brow crinkled at the deflection, but nevertheless answered her girlfriend’s question.

 

“Well he gave me an ice pack for my nose… and he told me that I should start planning my future once I leave here.”

 

Lena gave the blonde her full attention now.

 

“As in… he thinks you could get to leave soon?”

 

The bipolar woman shrugged her shoulders.

 

“Well not right away he said. I don’t really know what that means.”

 

The green-eyed woman’s face lit up with a massive smile and she moved to grab Kara’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

 

“Kara, that’s amazing!”

 

The blonde responded to her girlfriend’s enthusiasm with a soft look.

 

“You know, he said it was to do with my progress in the last few weeks. Which would mean since you arrived.”

 

Lena’s smile gentled, and she ran her thumb over the blonde’s hand leaving an electric current that made Kara shiver.

 

“It’s not me Kara, it’s all you.”

 

“I know, I know,” the taller woman said waving her girlfriend’s words away with a bashful look.

 

“And I’m not trying to say I’ve improved my behaviour for you or anything… well maybe a _tiny_ bit. But I think it’s mostly because your presence here has really helped me be better for _me_. I’m really grateful to have you in my life Lena,” she said with such adoration that the green-eyed woman’s cheeks flushed slightly.

 

“Well, I’m glad I met you too Kara. You’re easily the most important thing to ever happen to me,” she said with such simple honesty, the blonde felt a bit overwhelmed.

 

A wave of emotion grew in the bipolar woman’s chest, and she itched to say the three little words she’d been dying to utter since the first night she walked the brunette back to her room. But she restrained herself. She had vowed to take this at Lena’s pace, and until she was sure Lena was ready to hear her say it, she wasn’t going to.

 

Instead, after checking the coast was clear, she laced her fingers with the other woman’s and in their now familiar motion raised their joined hands for a kiss.

 

“Nothing but good days, right Lena?” She said with an emotional voice.

 

The corners of her girlfriend’s eyes crinkled as she smiled and whispered back.

 

“Right.”

 

Kara let their hands fall and she sat back into the couch, while drinking in the sight of the beautiful woman across from her.

 

Lena fidgeted slightly under her unabashed staring.

 

“So he didn’t give you a time date at all for when you can leave?”

 

The blonde sighed and shook her head.

 

“No… He probably wants to discuss it with Alex first, but she told him she was out of the country so I don’t know when that’ll happen.”

 

Lena frowned.

 

“Your sister’s overseas?”

 

Kara laughed humourlessly.

 

“Oh no, he was completely surprised when he called her and she told him. Trust me, Alex is a control freak and she obsesses over everything to do with me. There is no way she would have left without telling the hospital. I have no idea why she is making it up though, probably to explain away why she hasn’t been here in weeks. I’m surprised she didn’t tell him that it was because I told her not to come, though I’m really happy she didn’t. I’m sure if he knew, we wouldn’t be discussing the possibility of me leaving. But again, totally out of character for her not to rat.”

 

Lena seemed to struggle with something she wanted to say before she replied.

 

“Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to her? Ask her to come to the next visitation?”

 

Kara frowned at the brunette vehemently.

 

“No way. I’m still pissed about what she did. It’s about time _she_ learned to consequences of her actions. Alex doesn’t run the world.”

 

Lena sighed.

 

“But she loves you Kara, and she only wanted what was best for you!”

 

“Trust me,” the blonde said with heavy deprecation in her voice. “Alex’s basic dream is to fix me. She has a mould she’d like me to fit in, along with a timetable on how to get there. I refuse to engage in her shit anymore.”

 

Lena’s face turned angry and she threw her hands into the air.

 

“So what, now you aren’t going to talk to your sister who loves you. The one who comes every single week to see you. Who wants to be as involved as she possibly can in you treatment, so she can help you once you leave? Do you have any idea how lucky you are?” She demanded in a stern and incredulous voice.

 

Kara raised her eyebrows in bewilderment.

 

“Lena, why are you getting so upset about this? I know my sister better than you do.”

 

The green-eyed woman stood up abruptly, causing the blonde to look up and into her furious face.

 

“I would give anything Kara, _anything_ , to have a sibling as devoted to me as yours is to you. My brother blew himself up, and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish he were still here. Maybe you should learn to appreciate what you have. A sister that other people would kill for.”

 

Lena left her speechless girlfriend on the couch as she stormed off. The blonde stared after her in frustration and rubbed her head, she was beginning to get a migraine. She was pissed off that the green-eyed woman had seen fit to chastise her like a child. It was entirely her choice how long she decided to stay mad at her sister, it really had nothing to do with the other woman. It was clear to Kara that Lena was upset about something today, but it was hardly fair to vent the emotions she was holding in on the blonde.

 

With that thought in mind, the blue-eyed woman gathered her own books and made her way back to her room. Lena wasn’t the only one who could stomp off in a huff. If she wanted to behave like a child, then so would Kara. 

 

The blonde hoped that when she slammed the door to her bedroom, the ex CEO heard it.

 

* * *

 

Lena was ignoring her, that’s was obvious. The blonde was still slightly confused as to why her girlfriend was behaving so frostily. And besides from being talked to like a naughty kid, Kara was also getting irritated with her girlfriend’s habit of not telling her when she was upset and why. The green-eyed woman clearly had a problem with communication, and the bipolar woman was in no mood to entertain it after being barked at.

 

The brunette woman sat next her at lunch and in group, but neither of them breathed a word to each other. Kara was glad that the focus of attention was on Mike, so at least she had something to focus on besides the woman next to her.

 

Clark’s eyes, observant as always, flickered between the two of them briefly and raised his eyebrows in question. The blonde shook her head in answer and the clean-shaven man’s mouth pursed in worry, but he returned his attention to Mike who was engaging a smiling Maggie in conversation. Group had consisted of them saying their goodbyes to the bearded man, and discussing their favourite times with him. Even Sam managed to contribute, saying her best memories of the man was the pouty look on his face when she beat him in checkers.

 

After group had finished, Kara decided that instead of sitting around stewing she would be better off writing down her feelings. So for the first time in weeks, she filled up numerous pages of her journal with angry rants. She was still brooding when dinner came around but was determined that she wasn’t going to ruin the mood of the improvised going away party for Mike. 

 

Lena seemed to be of the same mind because although they both avoided talking to each other they put on happy faces for the tall man. After their dinner of pizza, Kara and Mike both delighting in the unusually unhealthy food option, they retreated to the games room. After several high stakes rounds of poker, mostly consisting of their usual standby of mopping duty and in Mike’s case promises of dinner, once they left the hospital, they broke out the Monopoly board.

 

Lena, in typical fashion, won the first three games eventually causing Clark and Sam to withdraw to play their own game of checkers in silence. The blonde woman, however, refused to leave the game even though she kept losing. Her pride refused to forfeit to the dark-haired woman, even if the glint of satisfaction in Lena’s eyes grew every time Kara was forced to mortgage herself further. The blonde was finally ready to concede when the Lena started to make a series of suspicious mistakes that allowed Mike to take the lead and eventually win.

 

“Haha!” He exclaimed triumphantly with a wide grin. “Told you one day I would win!”

 

Lena gave him a happy return smile and Kara felt her heart melt slightly when she witnessed her girlfriend’s innate kindness on display. The blonde reached under the table to stroke her knee, but the brunette pulled away at the first touch and continued to ignore her. The tall woman struggled to keep the hurt off her face but distracted herself by reaching for the small newspaper-wrapped bundle she had brought with her.

 

“Here,” she said handing it to Mike with a forced smile. “For you.”

 

The bearded man took the gift eagerly and ripped the improvised wrapping off to reveal one of Kara’s exercise books. The man opened it and began to read the inscription the blonde had written out loud.

 

“To Mike, Some silliness to keep you smiling if ever you frequent a dark place.”

 

The bearded man flipped through the handwritten book gently and smiled as he read some of Kara’s silly poems and stories. He laughed out loud when he reached the exaggerated retelling of the Lake Incident with Sam. 

 

“Arse over tit and into the water. The splash was truly spectacular,” he chortled reading out loud. he closed the book and reached over to pull the blonde into a tight hug.

 

“Thank you so much, Kara. But you have to sign it for me, so when you become famous I can sell it for millions!” 

 

The blonde grinned and assured the man, that she would sign it before he left tomorrow morning. Mike offered a game of Go Fish next and the blue-eyed woman realised that her girlfriend was giving her a soft smile. Kara shot her a pleading look and the other woman’s smile grew slightly stained, but she reached a tentative hand out and placed it on the bipolar woman’s knee briefly. The blonde smiled at her girlfriend, but Lena pulled back fast and picked up her shuffled cards. Kara sighed softly and picked up her own stack.

 

After the rest of the group had said their own goodbyes, Clark offering Mike a small painting of the view from his room, they all headed back to their respective rooms. The blonde stood awkwardly outside of her door while Lena fiddled with her doorknob unnecessarily.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said simply to the brunette and Lena turned to look at her with sad eyes. The blonde made to rush forward, but the green-eyed woman held a hand between them stopping her. 

 

“Just a little space darling, please.”

 

The blonde sighed in defeat, but accepted her girlfriend’s words and headed silently into her own room.

 

* * *

  

Mike left the next morning, his paintings and clothes tucked under his arms. All of the other patients, minus Sam, had come to see him off. Maggie and Jonn pulled the bearded man aside for a final talk. Once they finished, Maggie gave him a hug and the doctor a handshake, Mike turned to say his final goodbyes to the three of them. 

 

Clark wrapped him in a firm hug, each of them pounding each other on the back.

 

“Make sure these girls don’t drive you more nuts buddy. But still, keep an eye on them, I know they’ll really going to miss me,” he finished with a grin.

 

The bearded man turned and gave the brunette patient a far less aggressive hug.

 

“Make sure you stay out of trouble Lena. And keep Sam on her toes. Somebody’s got to make sure she behaves herself. And look after this one,” he said in a faux whisper while gesturing to Kara. “Leave her to her own devices and she’ll be climbing the walls.” 

 

The green-eyed lady gave the man a gentle smile, while the bipolar woman scowled at the man.

 

“Don’t worry,” Lena replied. “I’ll hold down the fort.”

 

The man turned to Kara next and pulled her into an extra tight hug that the woman returned with gusto.

 

“Don’t forget you owe me **four** all you can eat dinners once you get out of here Kara, no backing out now,” he warned gently while shaking his finger in her face. 

 

The blonde grinned easily and reassured him that she wouldn’t miss it for the world.

 

“Well then,” Mike said with some slight nervousness. “I guess this is it.”

 

Maggie clapped him on the shoulder.

 

“Hey, no need to be frightened. Look who’s come to get you.”

 

The psychologist pointed to the dark-haired woman in the waiting room, Kara recognised as Mike’s girlfriend. Imra walked over after a gesture from Maggie and entered the room with a large smile and a wave to the other occupants.

 

“Ready to go?” She asked in a silky voice.

 

Mike seemed to relax and nodded in response. Before he turned to leave, he gave the group one final wave.

 

“See you on the outside jailbirds.”

 

* * *

 

Kara walked into the visitation room with slight reluctance. She had bitten the bullet last night after another day of silence from Lena and called her sister. Alex had been quiet on the phone but had agreed to come today after the blonde had asked.

 

The redhead was already sitting when Kara arrived and she looked up when the bipolar woman entered, giving her small smile.

 

The blonde sat opposite her in silence and they both fidgeted in their seats.

 

“Alex I-“

 

“I just wanted to-“

 

The longer haired woman nodded at her sister to speak first, and the redhead took a steadying breath before she continued.

 

“I’m sorry for what I did. You were right.”

 

Kara blinked rapidly in shock. She could count on her hands how many times in her life she had heard her sister apologise and she certainly didn’t expect one today.

 

“It’s just..” Alex continued, slightly at a loss for words. “I just want what’s best for you. And I’m sorry if I’m suffocating you, but you’ve got to understand what it’s been like for me. I’ve been worrying about you ever since you came to live with us. I’ve tried to be there and watch over you, butI dropped the ball. I didn’t see what was happening to you until you’d literally wrapped yourself around a tree. But now that I know, I have the tools to help you now. To make sure that you are in the best position to transition into a healthy life once you leave. I don’t want you to fall back into your old behaviour again Kara. I guess that’s why I’m so nuts about knowing what’s going on with you… and about you following the rules here. But I know I need to learn to let go. You are more than just a person with bipolar, you’re _Kara._ And you have your own path to tread, and not the one I pre-approve. I had a lot of time to think this month, and I’ve decided to back off. You’re an adult, and you need a sister, not a mother.”

 

Kara let out a deep sigh and released the final traces of her anger. Alex may have hugely overstepped in the blonde’s mind, but her heart was always in the right place. And Lena was right, the fact that the redhead loved and cared about her so much really was a blessing.

 

“I’m sorry too… for reacting so badly and for not talking to you for a month.”

 

Alex smiled and placed a tentative hand on her sister’s.

 

“It’s ok. You needed your space.”

 

Kara sighed again before she recalled what her psychiatrist had said to her when they last spoke.

 

“Why did you tell Jonn that you were out of the country?” She enquired with a frown.

 

Alex hesitated before responding.

 

“Well… otherwise, he might have wanted to know why I haven’t been to see you and didn’t want him to know what we argued about.”

 

“Oh?” Kara said with surprise. “I thought… well given our last conversation that you’d want him to know that it was about Lena.”

 

The redhead hesitated again before closing her eyes briefly.

 

“I don’t like that you’re getting into a relationship while you’re in here Kara and don’t try to deny it I know you too well. I would much rather you focused on you’re own recovery, but you are a grownup and… I trust your judgement on this. At least in here, you’re forced to take it slow… at least I hope you are,” she finished with a tilted head and a judging look in her eye.

 

The blonde waved her sister down, blushing.

 

“Don’t worry about that, I don’t want to do that in _here_. Besides, I’m wooing her at the moment.”

 

“Oh,” Alex said with a smirk. “Mid woo are you? What have you done… sent her notes? Will you go out with me? Check yes or double yes?”

 

The redhead burst into laughter at Kara’s attempt at a withering glare.

 

“Of course not! Besides, all wooing is on hold at the moment anyway,” she said in a defeated tone.

 

A concerned look crossed her sister’s face.

 

“What’s happening?”

 

Kara hesitated, before deciding to spill the beans.

 

“Well, we sort of got into an argument about you…”

 

“About me?” Alex asked confused.

 

“Yeah,” the blonde continued nodding. “She chewed me out about refusing to talk to you. Said that I should learn to appreciate someone who cares about me so much and that she would give anything to have a sibling like you.”

 

The redhead looked shocked before a wide smile crossed her face.

 

“Oh wow, one of your girlfriends is on my side for once. I take back what I said, I think this one will be great for you!”

 

Kara scowled at her sister’s enthusiastic tone.

 

“Well great. Then I’ll give her your number so you two can have chats. Or at least I would if she was talking to me…”

 

Alex’s smile dimmed.

 

“She’s not talking to you? It really upset her that much?”

 

“I don’t know,” Kara said with exasperation. “I think it made her angry, but I’m pretty sure something else is going on with her. But she just won’t talk with me! I think she’s just to bottles all her feelings up inside because she’s not used to trusting someone else enough to confide in them. But…. it hurts that she doesn’t trust **me**. I’d do anything to help her.”

 

“Well…” Alex began soothingly. “You have a tendency to wear your heart on your sleeve Kara, not everyone is the same. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t trust you… but maybe she just needs some time to gather her thoughts?”

 

“But how am I supposed to know the difference between when she needs space, and when she’s struggling and just won't tell me? Will it hurt her or help her if I push?”

 

The redhead shrugged.

 

“I don’t know Kara, I don’t know her. I guess you’ll just have to use your own judgement. But you’re the kindest person I know and unless she’s blind, she’ll know that anything you do is coming from a place of love.”

 

Kara flushed from head to toe.

 

“Pfff… love… pfff. Alex, you just say these-“

 

“Oh my God, it was just a figure of speech Kara but you really do, don’t you?”

 

The blonde gripped her sister’s hand hard.

 

“Please, _please_ , don’t think it’s just because I’m in some sort of mania obsession phase thing,” she said gesturing to her head. 

 

“She’s…. Look, Jonn said that we should start thinking seriously about what’s going to happen when I get to leave. It’s in the cards now because of my behaviour over the last month or so. Ever since Lena came here Alex! She’s good for me, _really_ good for me. It’s like her presence just makes me want to be a better person for her, _and_ for me. And she’s so smart! And kind, and just… brilliant. And the way she smiles…. and she’s funny!”

 

Alex shook her head at her sister’s dreamy expression.

 

“I just… are you sure about this Kara? I mean really sure?”

 

Kara nodded and a smile stretched across her sister’s face and Alex squeezed her hand.

 

“Then I’m happy for you Kara… really. But please just make sure you remember to look after you."

 

Alex paused, before grinning widely.

 

"Now, Jonn said you could come home soon? That’s amazing!”

 

The blonde grinned in unison with her sister and relayed the details to her sister.

 

“Well then, I better set up a meeting,” Alex said distractedly. “And I guess I should bring in some catalogues for you.”

 

“Catalogues?” Kara repeated confused.

 

The redhead gave her a grin.

 

“Well, duh. You need to pick out the furniture for your room. New start, new furniture.”

 

The bipolar woman’s heart glowed and she replied softly.

 

“I missed you, Alex.”

 

“I missed you too.”

 

* * *

 

 

After her long talk with her sister, that involved heavy teasing on Alex’s part about Kara’s moony descriptions of Lena and gagging when it came to hearing about the poetry the blonde was writing. Kara, in turn, had replied that her sister seemed _very_ eager to restart her meetings with Maggie so she could be 'updated on the blonde’s progress'. 

 

After she left her blushing sister, with a promise that they’d meet again next week, Kara went to look for Lena. Deciding that she’d had enough of the continued silence, she was going attempt again talking to the other woman.

 

After looking around for a few minutes, she spotted Lena’s figure sitting by the lake. She made her way down to the woman, who was deeply engrossed in her book. The brunette made no move to acknowledge the blonde’s presence when she said hello, so Kara just sat down and began to count the number of trees on the opposite shoreline silently. A few minutes later, Kara noticing that the other woman hadn’t turned a single page, Lena spoke.

 

“What’d you come down here to say, Kara?” She asked in a resigned tone.

 

The blonde woman held back her frown and answered in a gentle tone. 

 

“Well, mainly I just wanted to see if you were ok?”

 

The green-eyed woman shrugged her shoulders and her face became blank. The bipolar woman’s frustration grew slightly, but she reigned it in.

 

“I saw Alex today,” she said instead.

 

Lena looked at her with surprise, but Kara continued without letting her reply.

 

“You were right, about me needing to appreciate her more. It was childish of me to hold onto my anger like that… I still didn’t agree with what she did, but we talked about it. And she apologised, which was a real surprise for me. It was really nice to talk to her and to tell her about you. She seemed happy for me. I’m a bit hesitant to let you meet though… I think she might like you more than me too,” she finished with a frown at the thought. 

 

But in reality, she didn’t blame anyone for loving Lena. She was worth it.

 

She turned to look at the other woman, who looked guarded. Kara gently placed a hand over the other woman’s, never taking her eyes off Lena’s.

 

“Thank you, for kicking my butt about it. I needed that. Sometimes it’s good when people probe and prod us in the right direction.”

 

Lena didn’t move her hand, but it tensed slightly under the blondes.

 

“You know I just want to help you right? Because I’m worried that there's something going on with you that you’re not telling me. So… _are_ you ok?”

 

The brunette woman’s eyes wavered slightly before she began to speak in a quivering voice.

 

“The other day… when you fell down. And your nose started to bleed?”

 

Kara frowned.

 

“Was it the blood? I thought it didn’t bother you?”

 

Lena shook her head and grimaced.

 

“I’m not afraid of blood, at least… I never was before. It’s just…” she trailed off removing her hand from under Kara’s and rubbing her fingertips along the scar on her inner arm. 

 

“The blood… it reminded me. And when I saw it... I was just thrown back there.”

 

The reason for Lena's silence dawned on her and the blonde reached over and joined Lena’s fingers in gently tracing the scars.

 

“You never told me what happened… I mean, you don’t have to-“

 

“No, no,” Lena interrupted, grabbing the bipolar woman’s hand and pressing it over the brutal raised line. 

 

“I want you to know, it’s just hard.” 

 

She took a shuddered breath before continuing.

 

“I was alone. I had been for a month. I had literally not left my apartment and the only people I’d seen were the ones who brought me food. One day I just… I’d been thinking about it for a while, and my eyes kept getting drawn to my knife set. So I just sat down and…..” 

 

Lena trailed off, while a single tear fell from her eye and splashed onto the blonde’s wrist.

 

“And when I got back from the hospital, the blood stain was still in the middle of my floor. I just… the feeling… the hopelessness I felt seeing that and seeing this,” she continued looking down at the twin scars. 

 

“I guess it’s hard for you to know what that’s like. And it was in my own home.”

 

The blue-eyed woman was silent for half a minute, massaging Lena’s arm with her fingers.

 

“Once, I really thought about it,” Kara said steadily, distracted in the memory.  “I had an exposed beam in one of my apartments. I was in a major depression and I just couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I couldn’t see a future. So I hung a rope.”

 

Lena was quiet at the revelation, and Kara continued her ministrations in silence.

 

“What stopped you?” The green-eyed woman enquired in a desperate voice.

 

The blonde turned to look into Lena’s shimmering eyes and replied seriously.

 

“I couldn’t imagine my sister finding me like that. I could do it to me, but not to her.”

 

Tears began to fall freely from the brunette’s eyes and Kara shushed her when she began to sob.

 

“Hey, hey… it’s ok.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Lena said sniffling. “But… a part of me, a selfish part, is happy. Happy that you understand it.” 

 

Kara gave her a weak smile.

 

“You’re only the second person I’ve told you know? Not even Alex or Jonn know.”

 

Lena raised her eyebrow in surprise.

 

“Really? Who was the first person then?”

 

The blonde grimaced in distaste.

 

“One of my boyfriends was an alcoholic… and a narcissist. Everything was about him. He loved to be the worst off person in the room too. If you had a broken leg, he had two. If you had cancer once, he had it three times. I’m pretty sure if you told him you nearly died, he would say he was dead. Anyway… when I told him about my depression, of course, he had far worse experiences than me. And when I opened up about that day… he told me if I was _really_ suicidal I wouldn’t have thought about my sister. That it wasn’t real because I considered how it would affect someone else.”

 

Lena gasped next to her and when Kara turned to look, the other woman was turning red with rage.

 

“How dare he… What is wrong with people? How could anyone think that it’s ok to say that to someone!”

 

Kara eased her girlfriend’s fury by placing a hand on her knee.

 

“I know, I know. But it reinforced the importance of empathy in my mind if nothing else. I’m just sad the relationship lasted as long as it did.”

 

Lena grabbed her girlfriend’s hand again.

 

“You are far more forgiving than me… But thank you, for telling me. I know that it’s not easy.”

 

The blonde smiled.

 

“I feel like I can tell you anything Lena, I trust you.”

 

The green-eyed woman smiled back.

 

“I trust you too, Kara. More than anyone.”

 

The blonde’s eyes grew earnest.

 

“You have to know you can tell me anything, Lena. Anything. I’m here for you, no matter what.”

 

Lena looked slightly overwhelmed and she began to cry again but stopped Kara when the blonde tried to soothe her.

 

“Kara…. Kara, I think I love you.”

 

The bipolar woman’s mind went blank and she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. Lena was watching her nervously and went to speak when Kara stopped her with a finger over her lips. The blonde watched her and her eyes began to fill with hunger.

 

Oh fuck it, she thought.

 

The taller woman basically lunged onto a surprised Lena, rolling so that she was leaning above her and lowered her head to kiss her beautiful girlfriend deeply and thoroughly. Lena gasped into her mouth before she melted into it and returned the kiss with enthusiasm. The blonde finally regained her senses when she felt the green-eyed woman’s hands sneak beneath her waistband. She pulled away with a sharp pop and saw Lena’s lust filled eyes change with disappointment as she groaned.

 

Before she could pull away, Kara pulled her in for another sweeter kiss.

 

“I’m sorry Lena. I know how much you-“

 

“It’s ok Kara. Really. I know we have to be careful,” The ex CEO replied with understanding in her eyes.

 

The blonde got off the other woman and sat up. She watched Lena run her fingers through her hair removing grass blades, and she swore it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

 

“I may have gotten overly enthused before,” she said sheepishly.

 

Lena arched an eyebrow as she removed a particularly stuck twig.

 

“You think?”

 

The bipolar woman laughed before she grabbed the other woman’s hand and raised it to her lips for a kiss.

 

“For the official record then… I love you too. I have for a while now.”

 

Lena’s eyes softened and she reached up to trace the blonde’s cheek.

 

“You know for two unlucky people, we sure got pretty lucky huh?”

 

Kara couldn’t agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story behind Kara's suicidal thoughts actually happened to me. I was in a really bad place and I confided what had happened to someone and they actually responded that way. And I can tell you, it hurt like hell when they did. 
> 
> My point being, we should never devalue people's experiences just because we think we've, or someone else, had it worse. 
> 
> Suffering isn't a competition after all.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter but let me know :) I love to read the comments!


	11. Love Is Merely A Madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we go with chapter eleven. This fic and the other one I writing both hit 400 kudos their last chapters, something I was probably ridiculously excited about. But to all you readers, thank you so much. You've no idea how awesome it is for me to see all the amazing comments you guys leave and that kudos count ticking up :)

Lena wasn’t used to the feeling of happiness.  


  


Not that everything was perfect with her relationship. With  _her_  girlfriend.

  


Beautiful, kind and yes, just the right amount of crazy. Kara was  _her_ girlfriend. It was probably very Luthor of her, but she felt an insane sense of smugness and pleasure in being able to call the bipolar woman hers. It had been two months now since she had arrived at Krypton. She would never have guessed when she had first walked through the doors that she would grow to be as ridiculously fond of the place as she was. The hospital was starting to feel like a real turning point in her life. The place where she met Kara, and where she was putting together the pieces of who she was again.

  


Where she was discovering who she was.

  


She still had her dark days and Lena would be remiss in saying that they didn’t leave her bone weary and crying into her pillow upon occasion. But for the first time in her life she had someone, she could truly lean on and feel safe in being completely honest with. It helped that Kara tended to not force the information out of her, even though she clearly itched to do so sometimes. But the more time passed, the easier it was to talk to the other woman. The sense of relief she got when she allowed the words out was exhilarating in many ways.

  


Of course, as their time together grew longer Lena had picked up upon Kara’s particular personally quirks. Although her current medication had evened her out considerably, the blonde still had her periods of upswings and broodiness. A part of Lena was happy when the blue-eyed woman utilised her enthusiasm and creativity by writing ferociously. It still surprised her how fast the blonde’s mind seemed to run in those moments. And when she was in an irritable mood, Lena found that it was best to let Kara come to her, rather than the other way around.

  


At first, the ex CEO didn’t mention the slight behavioural changes to her girlfriend figuring it might be insensitive to do so. But once, when Kara’s snappiness annoyed her enough, she couldn’t help but point it out.

  


“Ok, as much as I love you, darling, you’re giving me a little bit of whiplash here.”

  


Kara had blinked at her and then enquired softly as to how Lena had observed her behaviour. Once the green-eyed woman recounted her thoughts, the blonde had frowned down at her shoes.

  


“I try to monitor myself as much as I can, but sometimes I just get caught up in it all. You have to promise me, Lena, that from now on you be honest with me if you’re noticing me be like this. I don’t want to damage our relationship because I’m not balancing out.”

  


“Kara,” Lena said trying to reassure the other woman. “I don’t mind that you have bipolar. It’s a part of you.“

  


The blonde smiled gently at her, but slightly sad.

  


“I know it’s a part of me, Lena., And I’m not saying I’ll ever be normal by our society’s standards. But it’s destroyed my life once before… and I really don’t want it to happen again. Not when I have even more to lose,” she finished giving Lena a look that made the brunette flush right down to her toes.

  


Of course, they still hadn’t progressed much further physically in their relationship, Kara’s paranoia still strongly present. Lena was grudgingly accepting that the only action she would be getting at the moment was by her own hand and with her daydreams on her mind.

  


For some reason, most of them seemed to involve the blonde taking her inside the notorious mop closet.

  


The routine at Krypton hadn’t changed, but Lena found herself oddly missing Mike’s presence. The loss of the bearded man in the ward was keenly felt, and the green-eyed woman was surprised how much she missed their chess matches.

  


But she mostly missed him because he was the only one besides her to really call Sam on her bullshit (Kara usually just flushed with rage and Clark was far too nice to say anything).

  


Arias, however, had begun to behave even more oddly since the man left. Her snarky comments had diminished and she seemed to be spending more time alone with Clark. Something her girlfriend had confided in Lena she was worried about.

  


“I don’t want her taking advantage of his empathy Lena. She’s manipulative, and Clark always wants to see the best in people.”

  


The ex CEO had her doubts about how far any sort of manipulation of the schizophrenic man would go, but she still watched the other brunette like a hawk for signs of foul play where the kindhearted man was concerned.

  


So far though, they simply seemed content to sit in silence while in each other’s company.

  


Still, their new world order sans Mike was rocked slightly at the news of a new patient arriving soon.

  


Lena found herself swept up again in the ‘underground’ betting pool on whether the patient was self-admitted or court ordered. While a small part of her felt ashamed at indulging in the morbidity of it, but the downside of Krypton was the need to make their own entertainment.

  


The green-eyed woman had bet the standard two shifts of mopping duty on another depressive who was self-admitted like herself. Her blonde girlfriend had scoffed at what she deemed was Lena’s ‘safe’ bet and took her own highly risky choice of a court-ordered schizophrenic and placed a total of five mopping shifts on it.

  


“Remind me to never let you play poker Kara,” The brunette woman had said amusedly in response to hearing the ridiculous gamble.

  


Her sessions with Maggie were also progressing steadily. There was something releasing about talking to the blunt woman, and it was nice to be able to discuss her relationship with Kara with someone other than the blonde. And although the usually direct psychologist never said directly whether she approved or disproved, she was still helpful with her advice.

  


She was mostly concerned about them becoming to co-dependant on each other, something she brought up regularly.

  


“Remember Lena, you’re here to get better for you, not for anyone else. Your new self-worth shouldn’t be wrapped up in how another person perceives you. Not even if they are a 'lovely ray of sunshine' as you so dreamily put it,” she finished, teasing the green-eyed woman with a smirk.

  


The ex CEO had blushed at the comment because she probably was slightly excessive in her flowery descriptions of her new girlfriend.

  


“Watch yourself, Lena. It’s easy to get swept away in the newness of it all, but bear in mind that Kara is a human being and is as flawed as anyone else.”

  


The brunette woman knew she sometimes viewed her girlfriend with rose-tinted glasses, but she was still fundamentally an independent and self-reliant person. Sometimes her girlfriend’s persistence in spending time constantly with Lena everyday frayed slightly on her nerves. She dreamed of retreating quietly into her own room with a book without Kara fretting that she was having a depressive episode.

  


But it might be slightly unfair to call the blonde on that because when the bipolar woman was being extra ‘Kara’ the brunette would also wonder if she was on a manic high.

  


Lena was for the first time in her life, discovering the importance of communication when it came to a relationship. She was also slowly learning to be honest about her feelings with the blonde without falling on her old standby of pretending she was fine. She was starting to trust in the fact that Kara, as promised, wasn’t going to run away when the green-eyed woman became vulnerable about her feelings and problems. Though a small part of her mind still believed that the only reason Kara stayed with her was that she physically couldn’t leave. Thankfully, that particular nasty voice was slowly becoming less vocal every time she saw Kara waiting for her at breakfast with a smile.

  


A smile she was currently late to see, as she had slept in once again. She quickly brushed out her hair before heading to the mess room, and at the sight of familiar electric blue eyes, a part of her inside became gooey.

  


“You two are nauseating,” Sam muttered angrily into her eggs while stabbing a piece of her toast ferociously.

  


Lena barely spared the acidic woman a glance, but as ever Kara rose to the bait and eyed the other brunette with a poisonous look.

  


“And I’m sure you will enjoy you nauseous feelings in private Arias. We wouldn’t want to be caught spreading  _lies_.”

  


Sam didn’t respond but seemed to sink further into her bad mood, and Lena couldn’t help but feel a stab of pity for the other woman. She may be a raging bitch, but even Arias must feel lonely all alone in here.

  


“So,” Clark said, moving the conversation into safer waters. “The new patient arrived last night. I guess we get to meet them at group today.”

  


“I hope they’re good at chess. Playing Kara any longer is just going to decrease my own skills,” Lena said with a smirk while the blonde stuck her tongue out at her.

  


“Well let’s just hope they’re better than the last new arrival,” the blonde replied snippily. “Maybe they’ll have some manners.”

  


Lena clutched her hand to her chest as if she had been wounded, though her smile detracted slightly from the image.

  


“I’ll have you know, my mother sent me to etiquette classes as a child. I have a far better understanding of manners then you do,” she finished staring pointedly at the bit of sauce on the blonde’s chin. A sudden desire to lick it off coursed through her, but thankfully for the sake of everyone else at the table, the blue-eyed woman seemed oblivious to her thoughts.

  


“Wait, seriously?” Kara snorted with a laugh. “You got sent to etiquette school? I didn’t even know that was a real thing!”

  


The brunette woman shrugged in response.

  


“We Luthor's have never been into ‘normal’ childhood activities.”

  


“And your adult ones consist of blowing people up,” Sam's voice responded.

  


Lena felt a cold hand grip her heart and her face grew blank, while a triumphant look grew on the other brunette’s. Kara for her part began to physically shake in her seat.

  


“What did you just say to her?” She asked enraged with the other woman.

  


Arias didn’t reply but responded instead with a smug smirk that caused the blonde’s face to turn a dark red and rise from her seat. Lena went to grip her arm, but the bipolar woman shook her off.

  


“Kara, please,” she whispered frantically. “It’s not worth it.”

  


“This heinous cow deserves to be taught a lesson, Lena” the blonde continued thrusting a finger in the now laughing Sam’s direction.

  


“Kara…” Lena pleaded, but the blonde had started to stalk to the other side of the table.

  


“What is going on here!”

  


The group as a whole froze and turned to see Jonn standing in the doorway observing the situation. His eyes filled with disappointment when they landed on Kara, but the blonde wasn’t cowed and stared defiantly back.

  


“Kara, Sam. Go back to your rooms. Now. And stay there until I come to speak with you,” he said in a deadly soft voice.

  


The pair didn’t reply but silently followed his instructions. Lena’s eyes followed Kara’s back worriedly until she exited.

  


“It wasn’t her fault, Jonn,” she said slightly pleadingly.

  


“I suggest you both finish eating,” he said ignoring the ex CEO’s words. “And please try to behave at group,” he finished with a dry tone before leaving the room as an awkward looking Winn entered from behind him to clear the plates.

  


Clark and Lena sat in silence before the brunette held her head in her hands.

  


“Jesus, Kara. You idiot,” she mumbled into her palms feeling a familiar wash of guilt rise in her.

  


“It wasn’t your fault Lena,” the clean-shaven man said, interjecting on her thoughts. “Kara’s a grown up, and she makes her own decisions.”

  


Lena stared at the stoic man for a few seconds.

  


“But if I hadn’t-“

  


“Hadn’t what? What exactly did you do here, that made it your fault?” Clark inquired bluntly while staring at her waiting for an answer.

  


The green-eyed woman’s mouth gaped for a minute before she closed it with a pop.

  


“Nothing.”

  


The schizophrenic man smiled at her.

  


“Don’t worry about it too much Lena. There’s not much that could happen to Kara anyway. She’s probably just going to get chewed out about rising to the bait anyway.”

  


“But what if this delays her getting out of here?”

  


The dark-haired man raised an eyebrow and looked at her intently.

  


“Would you  _really_  be that upset?”

  


Lena started to feel slightly sick because he was right. The longer Kara stayed here, the longer she got to stay with her.

  


 

* * *

 

  


The brunette spent the rest of the morning in her room reading a book, figuring that she might be able to distract herself from her apprehension over the approaching separation she and Kara were going to have to endure. As much as she appreciated Krypton, this place was going to feel rather encroaching when the blonde left. Lena was worried more than anything that she wouldn’t have the strength to stay until she was ready to take on the world again, and would instead miss her girlfriend so much she would sign herself out at the same time.

  


Her resolve to stay until she was recommended to leave would be tested surely.

  


And what would her plan be anyway? Move back into her old apartment, the place she had tried to kill herself with no job or current goals other than to cling onto Kara like a barnacle?

  


Maggie’s warnings of co-dependancy were brought to the forefront of her mind.

  


Her anxiety was aggravated further when neither Sam nor Kara turned up at lunchtime and when asked Winn reassured her that Jonn wanted them both to cool off in their rooms for the rest of the day. Clark and Lena would then be meeting the new patient without them, and Lena was beginning to feel irritated at all the changes this day was bringing. So she was slightly distracted when she entered the group room to find Maggie talking to a tall dark-haired and bearded man.

  


“Ahh, there you two are,” Maggie said smiling when she spotted Clark and Lena. “I’d like to introduce you both to-“

  


“Jack,” Lena said stunned as she took in the tall new man.

  


“Lena?” Jack answered back equally as surprised.

  


He looked different to when she had last seen him, but admittedly that had been many years ago. A flash of a younger, happier looking man crossed her mind and Lena was left wondering what had happened to her energetic former lab partner that would make him end up in this place. The last time she’d heard about him, the dark-haired man was heading up his own company and developing cutting-edge medical tech.

  


They both hesitated before moving to grip each other in a strong hug.

  


Jack broke it first and looked down at her with a haunted smile.

  


“You’ll probably think this sounds insane, but I’m actually really happy you’re here,” he said in an exhausted tone.

  


Lena smiled at him and echoed the words she’d heard from Kara when she’d first arrived.

  


“Don’t worry, we’re all mad here.”

  


The tall man’s next smile still didn't touch his eyes and Lena felt a wave of familiarity wash over her at his still defeated air.She recognised that look. The green-eyed woman had seen it in the mirror often enough.

  


Once they parted completely, Clark introduced himself to the other man with a kind smile and a handshake before the four of them sat down. Jack looked at the two empty seats curiously.

  


“Yesterday one of the nurses told me there were five patients altogether?” He asked the psychologist.

  


Maggie hummed.

  


“There are. But there was a verbal altercation this morning, so Samantha and Kara have been asked to stay in their respective rooms until dinner time.”

  


Jack looked slightly nervous, and Lena remembered how anxious she had been the first night she’d arrived at Krypton. Completely unsure how things would operate, and just how crazy the other patients would be.

  


“Don’t worry Jack. Sam and Kara just have a…. personality clash. Trust me, Kara is ridiculously excited to meet you.”

  


Excited to find out if she had won the bet, but excited just the same Lena thought.

  


Jack’s apprehension faded slightly from his face and he relaxed in his chair.

  


“So,” Maggie asked, starting to ease them into the session. “Jack. We usually go around the group whenever we have a new arrival, introduce ourselves and explain why we’re all here. Kara and Sam will just have to wait until tomorrow, but why don’t you go first, Clark.”

  


Clark smiled at the other man, before starting.

  


“Hi, I’m Clark Kent. And I’m a self-admitted with paranoid schizophrenia.”

  


Jack seemed to have a similar initial reaction to Lena’s when she had first heard about Clark’s disorder, and the brunette wondered sadly how many times people had looked at the kind painter with fear when he was honest about that part of himself.

  


“Well, obviously you know I’m Lena Luthor,” the ex CEO started, turning her old sort-of friend's attention to her. The green-eyed woman took a deep breath before she continued. This would be the first time she talked about this part of herself with someone she knew before, and it was slightly nerve-wracking even if Jack was also a patient here for presumably similar reasons.

  


“I’m a self-admitted after an attempted suicide. I have depression and anxiety. I’ve been here for two months now.”

  


Jack looked at her with a measuring gaze and a slight hint of… relief? He began introducing himself with a slightly shaky voice.

  


“I’m Jack and ummm…. I’m self-admitted.”

  


The tall man hesitated slightly, still looking at Lena. The brunette woman gave him an encouraging smile and he took a deep breath.

  


“And I have depression. I’m here because I think if I don’t get help, I might do… something.”

  


The implication of the ‘something’ hung in the air and Lena couldn’t help the feeling of camaraderie and protectiveness that rose in her as she looked at the man she once knew.

  


“Well, I’m glad that you’re here instead Jack. It was starting to get boring,” Lena said in an upbeat tone and with a slight smile.

  


The new man didn’t respond, and the slight pause was broken instead by Clark.

  


“Do you play Go Fish?”

  


Jack looked slightly startled at the clean-shaven man’s odd question, and Lena stifled a giggle.

  


At the new man’s hesitant 'yes' response, the painter’s smile grew large across his face.

  


“You’ll fit in fine.”

  


  


* * *

  


Lena volunteered to show Jack around after the group meeting was over, but an awkward silence fell between them once they were alone together.

  


“I can’t believe this is how we meet again,” Jack said quietly once the pair started walking down the corridor.

  


Lena let out a quiet laugh.

  


“A lot has changed since our first year at college it seems,” she said in a world-weary tone.

  


“I heard about you were launching a revolutionary new product…. nanobots was it?”

  


Jack’s face became even more drawn.

  


The green-eyed woman regretted bringing it up.

  


“Well, it seems we have more in common then I thought,” she added softly.

  


The pair walked in silence again, Lena only speaking to point out the various rooms and their functions.

  


“Did you want to see the grounds?” The ex CEO asked warily and Jack nodded his assent.

  


She was starting to think she was in over her head with this comforting and buddy business. Lena was convinced Kara did a far better job with her, but then again it probably helped that they spent half the time flirting with each other.

  


Lena thought hard about a safe topic of conversation.

  


“Do you remember that first semester of college and we kept ourselves locked in the labs until all hours? I think we must have had more coffee than blood in our bodies.”

  


The bearded man let out a soft sigh, but a smile graced his features.

  


“God, I had the biggest crush on you those first few weeks. I was completely devastated when I found out you probably had more interest in my sister than me.”

  


Lena laughed.

  


“In my defence, your sister was like crazy hot. The first time she came to visit you, I nearly fainted. I’m pretty sure meeting her firmly established my lesbianism.”

  


A feral grin grew on Jack’s face and he wiggled his eyebrows.

  


“From what I read in the tabloids, you had other more hands-on methods of establishing that over the years.”

  


Lena couldn’t help but blush. Her numerous dalliances since college had been heavily plastered in the gossip magazines. Lex had often joked that she was the most talked about Luthor. Of course, he had officially won back that title the day he died.

  


“Of course all that must be over now. I heard about your engagement, last year was it? Congratulations.”

  


The ex CEO almost laughed, before she shook her head bitterly.

  


“Veronica and I broke up a little over a month before I checked in here actually.”

  


It was Jack’s turn to look awkward.

  


“Oh… I’m sorry, I didn’t know…”

  


Lena waved away his apology.

  


“That’s alright. I didn’t really expect you to be following up on me.”

  


The tall man let out a laugh.

  


“Well, it’d be hard to miss news on you these days. Although it’s really reassuring to know Krypton takes the confidentiality of its patients seriously.”

  


“What do you mean?” Lena asked confused,

  


Jack frowned down at her.

  


“Don’t you know? For the last few months, ever since you stepped down from LutherCorp you seemed to disappear off the face of the earth. Shares in the business have plummeted. Nothing but speculation about what the future of the company will be and about where the hell you are. The media has been ripping into any information they can find. That why I was surprised that you broke up. I was surprised that the media hadn’t reported it.”

  


Lena’s face became pinched. The idea of the media digging even further into her life troubled her. Though it seemed that they had yet to find out about her stay here and the reasons why.

  


“I’ve been avoiding TV since I’ve been in here,” she added dryly.

  


Jack placed a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.

  


“Believe me, I understand. Ever since my company completely crashed last month I’ve been plastered across the news. It hasn’t been… fun.”

  


Lena was convinced calling it not fun, was a vast under-exaggeration. She knew how vicious reporters could be.

  


Unless the reporter was a certain blonde haired fellow patient.

  


“Well, you can join my technological exile club if you like. We’ve got matching jackets.”

  


Jack let out a heavy chuckle.

  


“Although it stinks how we both got here, I’m really thankful that we're connecting again. I’m just realising how much I missed you. We got on so well our first year together, I don’t know how we lost that,” he finished wistfully.

  


The brunette hummed in agreement.

  


“I think you were one of the few real friends I’ve ever had actually. And that’s saying a lot as the rest of them are basically all in here.”

  


The bearded man smiled softly.

  


“You think they’d be willing to have me as a friend too? I’m a bit lacking in that department myself.”

  


Lena thought of Clark’s smile and Kara’s sense of humour.

  


“They’d be delighted.”

  


  


* * *

 

Lena and Jack spent the rest of the afternoon catching up in the library, although they both remained closed mouthed on certain topics. The green-eyed woman found herself remembering how much she genuinely enjoyed spending time with the charming and intelligent man.

  


She was laughing at a particularly ridiculous story involving an old professor and a live duck from their shared time at university when she heard an unsubtle cough from behind her. Kara was standing at the entrance of the library with a blank and tight expression, a look Lena recognised as one of her own.

  


The brunette frowned at her girlfriend’s odd behaviour, but stood up and gestured for the blonde to come closer.

  


“Kara I’d like you to meet the new member of our little group. This is Jack, who is coincidentally also a long lost friend from college.”

  


The bipolar woman’s eye twitched slightly at the word ‘friend’, but she held out her hand for Jack to shake while wearing a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

  


“It’s nice to meet you, Kara,” Jack said with a small smile of her own. “Lena hasn’t stopped talking about you for the last hour.”

  


Lena flushed down to her toes and the blonde’s smile grew genuine, while she and Jack laughed at the ex CEO’s reaction.

  


“No, really. From the way she gushes about you, I was almost starting to think that you two are….. oh,” Jack finished lamely, the truth hitting him as his eyes flickered between the two of them.

  


Kara tensed immediately, and Lena placed a hand on the blonde’s arm while looking at Jack with pleading eyes.

  


“Jack. You can’t say anything, please.”

  


The dark-haired man looked slightly uncomfortable, but his eyes softened before he turned to look at Kara again.

  


“Anybody who captures Lena’s heart must be special indeed. Don’t worry, I keep my nose in my own business.”

  


Lena let out a small sigh of relief, and a strained but grateful smile graced Kara’s features.

  


The three of them stood somewhat awkwardly before the blonde broke the silence.

  


“Well, I just came to get you for dinner,” she said, turning to face Lena.

  


“I guess we’d better go then, you coming Jack?” She said turning to her old friend with a smile.

  


The dark-haired man’s eyes flickered between the two woman briefly.

  


“Actually, I’ll meet you there. I just want to freshen up. Long day, you know?”

  


The women watched the man walk away, before turning to face each other. Lena’s happiness dimmed slightly when she saw that Kara was frowning deeply.

  


“What’s wrong?” She asked the blonde.

  


Kara’s mouth tightened slightly before she responded.

  


“Did you have to be so obvious about it? Now another person knows about our relationship. I thought we were trying to be careful!” She chastised quietly.

  


Lena felt a flash of annoyance at being talked to down to.

  


“I’m sorry if my affection for you is too obvious. I didn’t feel like I need to hide it in front of an old friend.

  


“Oh, an old ‘friend’ huh?” Kara questioned sarcastically, raising Lena’s mood from irritated to angry.

  


“What exactly are you implying?” She asking with a low tone, daring the blonde to reply.

  


“Nothing. Just that you too seemed incredibly… friendly.”

  


Lena scowled at the taller woman and she crossed her arms.

  


“And this is you what, being jealous? I can assure you it isn’t a good look. And for your information, I didn’t lie to you when I told you I was a lesbian. I’ve never slept with a man in my life, and have never had anything but a friendship with Jack. A really good friendship, that I today realised how much I sorely missed. I’m not going to allow your irrational and misplaced jealously torpedo a chance of me getting that back.”

  


The blonde’s eyes flickered, but her face remained hard.

  


“And where was your great friend when you really needed him, Lena? He wasn’t there for you when you were on the brink?”

  


Lena’s face turned cold with rage and her voice became laced with ice.

  


“Don’t you ever, ever say that again. All you are trying to do is guilt trip me, and you're using my goddamn suicide attempt to do it.”

  


Kara’s face blanched, realising what she had done, but Lena was having none of it.

  


“It’s disgusting that you would say that to me, Kara. I don’t know what has you so insanely jealous of a man who, in the whole five minutes you’ve known him, has been nothing but pleasant. But don’t talk to me again before you've thoroughly removed your head from your own arse.”

  


On that final note, Lena stormed away and resisted the urge to cry, lest she reveal how much Kara’s words had hurt her.

  


The brunette heard a muffled ‘fuck’ before she feet pounded behind her and a hand grasped her elbow.

  


Lena yanked her arm away, but turned to face a regretful looking Kara all the same. The blonde didn’t move to speak and the ex CEO rolled her eyes in annoyance.

  


“Look, I really don’t wish to stand here... HEY!” She exclaimed when the bipolar woman opened the door next to them in the hall and pulled her in, closing the door behind them. The brunette rubbed her arm and levelled her girlfriend with a furious look.

  


“What the hell do you think you’re-“

  


She was cut off by Kara pressing a hard and earnest kiss to her lips. At first, Lena was rigid with shock but her body soon relaxed and she responded to the kiss with enthusiasm. Weeks of sexual frustration were coming to a head and she began to get swept away with it all. It was only when Kara began to press her hard against the wall and her breath escaped her, that she registered what they were doing.

  


“Woah, Woah,” Lena said breathily, pressing against the blonde’s shoulders to move her away. “What are you doing?”

  


The blonde shifted her leg between the brunette’s and Lena let out an involuntary sigh.

  


“I would think it was obvious?” Kara replied teasingly while kissing along the edge of Lena’s jaw. “I’m clearly introducing you to the mops.”

  


Lena opened her eyes briefly and noted that they were indeed inside the janitorial closet, the setting of many of her recent dreams. She bit her lip to stop herself from moaning when the blonde’s hand drifted under her shirt and cupped her breast over her bra. It took all of Lena’s limited self-control to push the blonde away.

  


“Seriously. Stop Kara,” Lena said, strengthening her voice while she moved as far as she could get away from the blue-eyed woman.

  


“Isn’t this what you want, Lena?”

  


The brunette felt another wave of hurt wash over her.

  


“So,” she said in a bitter tone. “You're only doing this because you think it'll stop me being mad at you. What happened to you wanting it to be special between us? Or do all your pretty words mean nothing the second you don’t get your way?”

  


Kara stumbled for an explanation, but Lena cut her off by opening the door to exit the closet.

  


“Congratulations Kara, I didn’t think it was possible but you’ve made me even more pissed off. You’ve now reached a category that was previously reserved for my mother alone.”

  


Lena shut the door on the blonde’s distraught face, and for the first time since she’d arrived, she desperately wished to leave the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you guys enjoyed. Let me know in the comments below :)


	12. Where To Look If You’ve Lost Your Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry people for the day late update. I'm in the middle of nowhere at the moment and my internet is rubbish. Found a decent connection tonight so here we are. Next week, will be the usual day I promise. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy :)

Kara liked to think that she generally a nice person. Easygoing, empathetic, obsessed with dogs… the whole nine yards. 

 

The problem was, even though she was generally a nice person, she still fucked things up.

 

And when Kara fucked things up, she _really_ fucked it up.

 

Like nearly getting kicked out of college for not handing in her assignments.

 

Or the time she didn’t go to her sister’s party when she graduated from medicine, all because the morning before a random hook up asked if she wanted to go on a road trip to the Grand Canyon. 

 

Then there was the time she insisted on negotiating with a robber in the store he was holding up because she was on a manic high and believed she was untouchable. Thankfully the thief seemed pretty reluctant anyway and handed over the gun with only some slight coaxing. 

 

Alex had yelled at her for three weeks about that one.

 

And of course, there was the grand finale of her career at CatCo. 

 

For a long time, that had taken the top spot for Kara’s ridiculously terrible mistakes. Unfortunately, though, she had managed to outdo herself yet again by behaving like a complete asshole with Lena.

 

She knew what she was doing was wrong, she could feel a part of herself telling her it was. But she just didn’t seem to have control over it anymore. Kara had been feeling slightly off for the past few days, her irritability had risen, and she was starting to snap over the tiniest things as well as embellish and brag in her talks with Lena. The blonde knew something was wrong, but she was aware of it and once again made the mistake of thinking she could handle it herself and didn't report it to Jonn. 

 

Of course, the doctor had figured it out the second he came to her room for a talk after the fiasco at breakfast. As if she didn’t already feel bad enough, she swore a sense of disappointment was leaking from the psychiatrist's aura when she admitted to being aware of a problem and not saying anything.

 

_“Kara, we’ve discussed this. You have to tell me when you start to feel this way. I can’t recommend you be allowed to leave if you still struggle with admitting you need to ask for help. This isn’t just something you can wish away with enough self-discipline. You need to stick to your treatment plan. Otherwise, these relapses into past patterns will continue to negatively affect your life.”_

 

After being told to stay put in her room for the day, to take a break and reflect as the doctor put it, she spent the majority of her time writing. Indispersed with feeling like shit about how she had behaved in front of Lena. She also decided to call Alex, before her sister was informed by someone else about the incident. Kara figured it might be healthy to actually tell her sister these things, instead of waiting to be reported on making her feel like a child. Surprisingly, her adopted sister didn’t seem too disappointed in her for once, only reiterating again the importance of Kara to reach out when stuff like this happened to her.

 

_“It doesn’t make you weak to admit you need help, remember? Lord knows you spend the majority of your time telling everyone else that, you should consider taking your own advice.”_

 

Then, of course, her thoughts had drifted to Lena like they always did.

 

_Her_ Lena.

 

The thought of having the woman as her official, still kind of secret, girlfriend always brought warmth to her heart. She didn’t think she could be so lucky as to have the brunette woman in her life.

 

And up until last night, she had been the only one who had been given what Kara liked to think, was Lena’s special smile. Until she saw Lena in the library, in their spot, with a tall and dark-haired man laughing and giving him _that_ smile.

 

A curdle of instant jealousy sprang in her chest at the sight of the new man receiving something she thought was her’s alone. She immediately decided to dislike this new patient. He instantly fell to bottom spot on the list of people in this place. Even Sam was higher than this new, handsome man.

 

Jack, his name was Jack.

 

_Member of our little group._

 

Not a member of _my_ little group, Kara thought.

 

_An old friend._

 

His looks towards Lena seemed a bit too earnest for Kara’s liking. Hardly to be classified as an old ‘friend’.

 

And then Lena had to be so obvious about their relationship, which for the sake of both of them Kara had been obsessively keeping on the down low. And now, yet another person had figured it out. A person Kara didn’t trust in the least to not use this information for his own benefit. 

 

The combination of all these factors had succeeded in driving the blonde over a line she would never be fully able to uncross. She only figured that out, unfortunately, when she was back in her room after skipping dinner and staring at the wall to process.

 

And then cry about her totally shit behaviour. 

 

She simultaneously wanted to chase Lena down immediately and apologise, and run away to a foreign country and never be heard from again. It didn’t help that her brain seemed to be warring within herself. One part, still firmly believed what she did was correct. In fact, she should have been far more obvious to _really_ make Lena realise that she was right.

 

And the other part, the part that wasn’t speaking from her arse, felt enormously guilty for her completely out of line and ridiculous behaviour. The bipolar woman was convinced that she felt shittier about this, then she had about going apeshit in her old boss’ office and wrapping her car around a tree.

 

She blanched in horror that she had used Lena’s suicide as a point scoring contest as if it somehow proved she was worth more than Jack. 

 

If ever Lena forgave her for that, something she miserably though she would never deserve, she would never be able to undo the words. 

 

_Where was he, when you were on the brink?_

 

Fucking stupid, fucking idiot.

 

She couldn’t sleep now, all she could do was stare at the wall between them. 

 

It was two in the morning now. No doubt Lena was sleeping on the other side of that wall. Breaths rising and falling.

 

While she was sitting here, trying to wrap her racing thoughts around her own behaviour. 

 

It already seemed raw, but far away. 

 

_Isn’t this what you want, Lena?_

 

What was wrong with her?

 

Her knee was bouncing uncontrollably now, the blonde realised it had been doing that for a while.

 

Three o’clock in the morning.

 

She needed to _do_ something.

 

Anything.

 

Kara picked up one of her journals.

 

_That_ journal.

 

Then she began to write.

 

* * *

 

 

She was standing outside Jonn’s office at seven o’clock. A full hour before their scheduled appointment. The doctor opened his office door with a look of slight surprise.

 

“Kara?” He asked, checking his watch and looking at her with some concern. “You’re early.”

 

The blonde nodded rapidly, blinking furiously while trying to fight off the edges of exhaustion that were creeping into her mind. She had stayed up all night and had ended up writing so prolifically that her hands were flecked with ink marks. The blue-eyed woman knew she must look like death warmed up, but she didn’t really care.

 

The bipolar woman looked into the other man’s eyes pointedly.

 

“I need help. Something is really wrong, and I need help.”

 

Jonn didn’t say a word but simply held the door open wider.

 

* * *

 

She went back to her room after her session and collapsed on the bed the second she entered. Kara swore she was physically being absorbed by the mattress as her mind drifted into dreams. They were troubled, and her thoughts seemed to revolve around chasing Lena through a forest only to lose her in the trees. The blonde was woken from her half sleep by a knock on the door. She groaned and stood to open it, only to find a friendly looking Winn carrying a tray. 

 

Usually, she quite enjoyed the nurse’s company and optimistic attitude. But today the sight of his smile, caused a wave of annoyance to boil in her chest. A feeling she forcibly pushed down.

 

“Hey, Kara. The doctor told me to come by this morning to give you your medication and food. James noticed you weren’t at dinner last night, and when he came around you said you weren’t hungry. You doing ok?” The short man asked with a concerned look.

 

The blonde knew that would have sent a red flag spiking through the nurse’s gossip train. Kara Danvers not eating was a rare sight. 

 

The blonde shrugged but didn’t reply, instead simply taking the offered tray in silence and swallowing her new dosage of medication without complaint while the orderly watched. She stared down at the food on her plate and found herself turned off.

 

She barely ended up eating a third of the food before she pushed it away and placed it outside her door. It was only when she looked up from the gesture, that she saw a pair of men’s legs walking towards her. Kara raised her head and took in the slightly apprehensive face of the new patient. Her eyes flickered over his handsome features, and the smouldering fire of jealousy grew in her again before she doused it with the memory of Lena’s hurt face when she walked away from her last night.

 

She took a shuddering breath before stepping into the man’s path to stop his walk. He looked at her with nervousness and with a slightly defensive posture. The blonde felt a wave of regret. 

 

Kara held up her hand’s in surrender.

 

“Hey look, I’m not trying to harass you or anything. I just wanted to apologise for my idiotic and rude behaviour yesterday. It was…. really crappy of me. I don’t even know you, and I made a horrible impression of myself. I’m really sorry.”

 

Jack still seemed a bit wary of her, but the tension seemed to ease off his shoulders.

 

“Look….” he began awkwardly while rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m really not here to step on your toes or anything. It wasn’t like I knew Lena was in here when I decided to come. I just… I have my own stuff to deal with and I just want to sort it out. Not get involved in whatever drama you’re going through.”

 

Kara nodded and sighed.

 

“No, you’re right. Absolutely. The last thing you would want within two minutes of being here is to have to deal with an asshole like me. I just wanted to apologise and assure you that I won’t behave like that again. Or bother you again. I promise.”

 

The blonde began to retreat back to her room when Jack stopped her.

 

“Hey look. I just… Lena and I used to be really good friends in college, but then we went on our own paths. By some crazy twist of fate, we both wind up here at the same time. I just… I’ve been feeling so alone for a long time, and it was amazing to have this embarrassing moment of my life softened with the presence of an old friend.”

 

Kara frowned, her protective instincts rising despite her warring self internally.

 

“What do you mean this embarrassing moment? You mean, coming here?”

 

Jack flushed quickly, and Kara felt a wave of pity and empathy.

 

“Hey…” she said gently, touching his arm briefly to get his attention. “I don’t know how you came here, or what happened. But I do know getting help for your problems isn’t embarrassing, it’s brave. Nobody tells someone who has a broken leg to just solider on without getting proper medical care. I never understood why they do it to people with mental health issues. Looking after your mental health is just as important as looking after your physical. It’s just like I keep telling Lena…..” Kara trailed off at the thought of the other woman.

 

Jack must have noticed her sadness and gave her a strained smile.

 

“She adores you, you know? I don’t know what happened after I left last night, she seemed pretty upset at dinner. But she was still worried when you didn’t come to breakfast this morning. I’m pretty sure she thought you must have left, ‘because Kara would never miss food willingly’."

 

The blonde laughed and then sighed slightly.

 

“Yeah…. well I wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to see me again. After what I said…. But look, I’m really not trying to get you roped into this. It really shouldn’t be your problem. I’m sorry.”

 

Jack stopped her again from returning to her room.

 

“Thank you, for apologising. I’ll admit it was a bit… jarring, your behaviour yesterday. But I meant what I said. When we were in college, every relationship Lena was in was vapid. Either they were one night stands or the girls she really liked treated her like shit. I was a bit worried that you might be the same.”

 

Kara felt another stab of shame and tried to hide her wince.

 

“You didn’t leave the best taste in my mouth, I’ll be honest. But I’ve never seen Lena look at anyone the way she looked at you when she saw you last night. I can tell she’d head over heels for you. We haven’t spoken in years, but I still just want her to be happy. She was hurt by what happened last night.”

 

Kara remembered.

 

“I know. I can’t believe what I said.. and did. I’m such a fucking idiot.”

 

Jack stared down at her before the corner of his mouth twitched into a wry smile.

 

“Well, you’re already a bigger person than most for admitting it. Can I offer some advice? Maybe you should go tell her that…. and never do whatever you did again.”

 

The blonde hummed before she eyed him with slight annoyance.

 

“You know, it’s starting to become hard to dislike you.”

 

Jack let out a laugh, and his lips stretched into a smile.

 

“I was just thinking the same thing. Thank you, again.”  


 

Kara gave him a small smile of her own.

 

“You already said that.”

 

The bearded man shook his head.

 

“I know. But I meant also for what... about it being brave to be here. I don’t know if I believe it, but thank you.”

 

Kara paused, before speaking again.

 

“Do you think Lena is a weak person?”

 

Jack blinked.

 

“What? No! Of course not. I think she’s a strong person.”

 

The blonde nodded.

 

“Well, she’s self-admitted. Kind of makes you think that if someone as amazing as Lena thinks it's a good thing to get help, it might be a good idea for you too.”

 

The other man seemed slightly lost for words, and the blonde smiled again.

 

“Just think about it, hey?”

 

The blonde turned again to leave, but this time she stopped herself and spoke to the man again.

 

“And look, even though this sounds mental and you’re probably getting whiplash from my behaviour….” She took a deep breath, a part of her still battling not to do this. 

 

“You probably won’t want to, and fair enough… But if you ever want to chat, my door’s open ok?”

 

Jack nodded, and a touch of gratefulness filled his eyes.

 

“We’re like a little family in here. We try to look out for each other… Well, except for Sam. She kinda just does her own thing.”

 

She drifted into silence and the awkwardness returned before she gave him a half wave goodbye, and finally returned to her own room.

 

The second the door closed she released a sigh, collapsed on her bed and stared at the ceiling. 

 

Why did everything have to be so complicated? Just once, Kara wished for a simpler life. Maybe where she hadn’t had a manic episode and flown completely of the handle. Where she’d never ended up in here and was instead still running around in search of a story. Maybe a life were she first met Lena through an interview. An interview she had to fight to get for weeks. Until her persistence paid off and she finally got to enter a presumably lavish office, only to meet a hardened and wary woman. A reality where she managed to charm her way through Lena’s walls, and then they fell magically in love. 

 

A reality where Kara wasn’t bipolar.

 

And Lena didn’t have depression.

 

The blonde woman never got fired.

 

And the brunette didn’t try to commit suicide.

 

One where they didn’t meet each other in a psychiatric ward.

 

Where Kara had been court ordered to be. And had a restraining order.

 

And, she miserably thought, seemed as close to managing her illness successfully as she was when she first arrived here.

 

Which is to say, not at all.

 

The blonde turned in her sheets and buried her head in her pillow.

 

_Stupid, stupid idiot. Ruin the best thing to come into your life ever, all because you aren’t strong enough to keep a handle on your own fucking emotions._

 

_Idiot._

 

* * *

 

She didn’t manage to get any more sleep, tossing and turning the whole morning. Even when she tried to channel her jumble of emotions into her writing, she just couldn’t find the words anymore. Her thoughts were becoming to… blurred.

 

It was a concept she had often tried to explain to others, though she thought the majority of people would never really understand. Her emotions would run fast and stand still all at the same time. It was like everything she could feel about something was dumped into a giant cauldron and a fire was lit underneath it, causing it all to bubble to the surface. People who got frustrated with her behaviour would often demand to know her reasoning about why she did whatever she had done. But the problem was when everything was in that cauldron, she honestly didn’t have the words to express the specific things she felt. To other people’s endless frustration, especially her sister, she didn’t know the answer to their questions.

 

_Why are you doing this?_

 

_Why did you do that?_

 

Meanwhile, the pot would just continue to boil and the more stressed she became with herself because she _didn’t_ have the words.

 

It was probably one of the main reasons she became attracted to writing in the first place. Because with a pen and paper she was in control of expressing _something,_ which offered blessed relief on the nights she would spend wide awake unable to express why she was just so overwhelmingly emotional about something big or small.

 

And why she had the impulse to do something incredibly stupid or risky.

 

So while the thoughts of what had occurred with Lena were rolling around constantly in her head, she wasn’t entirely sure what she _exactly_ felt about it all. An overwhelming sense of guilt most definitely. Irritation with herself, anger at her own behaviour. Shame at how she had behaved with Lena, she wasn’t even ready to touch on the incident in the closet. Possessiveness, territorial shit. A simultaneous sense of indifference towards Jack and a need to mentor the man in the ways of the ward. Jealousy, that anyone could potentially know Lena as well, if not better, then Kara herself. 

 

Then all the feelings would get dumped back into the pot to be stirred again.

 

It was all making her feel slightly ill.

 

Kara managed to summon her energy away from the churn, and got into the shower. 

 

Another conflict waging in her mind about whether she should attend lunch. Remembering Jack’s words from this morning, she really didn’t want to be the cause of Lena’s worry particularly considering she didn’t deserve it today. Still, a cowardly part of her didn’t want to face the brunette woman at all.

 

And then there was the annoyingly possessive, defensive, territorial, idiotic, stupid part of her that was angrily stoking the fire of jealousy that was sure to spring into a roar the second she saw Lena and Jack in the same room together.

 

Fortunately, for the moment, the wish to ensure Lena’s happiness won out and the blue-eyed woman resigned herself to going to lunch and sitting quietly.

 

_ She would only speak when spoken to _

 

_ She would only speak when spoken to _

 

Of course, that flew from her head the second she saw Jack and Lena sitting next to each other in the dining room. She could feel her internal caveman start up a drumbeat, so she desperately tried to distract herself by directing a maniacal grin at Clark.

 

“Hi, Clark!” She said overly excited, and with such volume, the occupants of the table looked startled and Kara winced internally.

 

After recovering from the brief shock she had caused, the clean-shaven man gave her his trademark easygoing smile.

 

“Kara,” he said in acknowledgment as she pulled out a chair between him and Sam. Arias gave her a perplexed look, her eyes flickering between Kara and Lena, before lingering on Jack and a malicious smile began to tug at the corners of her mouth. The blonde felt tense, as the smirking woman began to open her mouth but she was cut off by Clark.

 

“Sam….” He said in a neutral tone, that caused the brunette’s eyes to snap to his. A flare of anger flashed across her face briefly, before she closed her mouth with an audible pop and returned her attention to her food.

 

Kara’s jaw dropped slightly in shock and she turned her gaze in wonder to Clark, but the broad man had merely returned to eating his own lunch like something extraordinary didn’t just occurred. The blonde then went to shoot Lena a bemused smile before she remembered what she was doing. Instead, she gave the green-eyed woman a pained grimace which made the ex CEO raise an eyebrow but retain her sombre exterior. 

 

The curdle of uneasiness twisted in the blonde’s stomach as the table fell into a weird silence. 

 

The bipolar woman looked over at Jack, who seemed to be the least affected by it, even though he did shoot all the occupant's wary glances. The blonde contemplated whether she should make an effort to talk with him to be polite or stay silent in fear that Lena might think she was being insincere.

 

Which a part of would be, if she was honest.

 

The decision was made for her, however, when the new man noticed her staring and gave her a strange look, before talking himself.

 

“So…. Kara. What are you in here for?” He asked, cringing at his own bluntness.

 

The blonde blinked but found herself relaxing. She always did much better in straightforward speech. Otherwise, she could spend all day overanalysing. Kara took her first large bite of food before answering.

 

“Well,” she said before swallowing. “I’m bipolar. I’m court ordered to be here.”

 

The blue-eyed woman swore the other man blanched slightly at the information, and the beast in her grew smug that he might be slightly afraid of her. Before she could allow the emotion to grow on her face, the sensible part of her wrestled it down.

 

“She broke into the zoo. Trying to free the budgerigars.”

 

Kara turned to look at Lena, her face still seemed hard but she had a fondness in her eyes as she stared at the blonde.

 

The blue-eyed woman hummed in agreement.

 

“But I ended up with the penguins instead. Far better company really.”

 

The edge of the brunette’s lip quirked slightly before she averted her gaze. Jack for his part, looked thoroughly confused and Kara felt her amusement grow as she began to eat heartily.

 

“Yep. That’s me. Famous for two things. Spending a night in the penguin enclosure, and a member of the three B’s club.”

 

Jack furrowed his eyebrows.

 

“The three B’s? What club is that?”

 

Kara smile grew slightly evil.

 

“Oh, you know. Bipolar, Bisexual…. Bicycle.”

 

The new man looked even more confused, and the blonde’s glee grew even further.

 

“Why a bicy-“

 

“Because she just really likes bicycles, don’t you Kara?” Lena interrupted with a pointed look in the blonde’s direction. The blue-eyed woman deflated slightly at her missed chance to fluster a new victim, but a warmth grew in her chest that Lena was interacting with her.

 

The rest of the meal’s silence didn’t seem quite as heavy.

 

* * *

 

Kara didn't talk to Lena for the rest of the day. She wasn’t trying too hard though either. 

 

The blonde was at a loss for how to move forward. She could hardly expect the brunette to come to her, and she didn’t think her usual approach of wearing down Lena’s walls was going to work in this case, because the ex CEO was entirely in the right if she never wanted to talk to her again.

 

A part of her wished she could get the words she needed, written down. But she sensed whatever conversation or lack of they might have, should be done in person and face to face. 

 

_Or do all your pretty words mean nothing the second you don’t get your way?_

 

Yes, well Lena may not believe what she had to say at all. Spoken or written.

 

The blonde stared moodily at her wall. 

 

Speak to her, or don’t 

 

Give her time? Let her come to you?

 

But that would mean that Kara wasn’t in the wrong… But maybe it would be respectful to wait until it was Lena’s choice?

 

Lena said to speak to her after she had ‘removed her head from her own ass.’

 

Maybe she hadn’t done that enough….

 

Fuck, what was she going to do? To say? 

 

She needed to talk to someone. Get someone’s advice….

 

Kara sprang from the bed and picked up the phone on the bedside table and dialled a familiar number.

 

_“Lane speaking,_ ” the voice on the other end of the line said crisply once she picked.

 

Kara felt a wave of familiarity and relief at hearing her best friend’s voice.

 

“Lucy, it’s me.”

 

_“Kara!”_ Lucy said, her voice changing from business to friendly. _“What’s going on babe? You didn’t call me last night like you promised. I was about to issue a missing person report.”_

 

“Lucy,” the blonde said, her mood improving immediately with the contact of her friend’s personality. “I can’t be missing if you know where I am.”

 

Kara heard the squeaking of a chair shifting before an exaggerated sigh came down the line.  


 

_“Well, how was I to know? My best friend doesn’t call me like she’s supposed to! I get hurt! Well, I’m assuming something pressing must have come up for you to forget. Something urgent…. maybe with your girlfriend?”_ Lucy questioned in a teasing and sly tone that made the blonde blush involuntarily before she released a heavy sigh.

 

There was silence on the other end of the call before the younger Lane sister spoke again in a soft voice.

 

_“Hey, you ok there Kara? Talk to me.”_

 

Kara hesitated briefly before speaking.

 

“Lucy, I really fucked up.”

 

* * *

 

After Kara had finished recounting what had happened last night and what she had been doing this morning there was a long silence on the phone. Then Lucy let out a long and low whistle.

 

_“Wow, Kara. You’re a fucking asshole.”_

 

The blonde woman suddenly burst into tears, the pent-up emotion leaking over finally.

 

“I know Lucy. It’s all gone to hell, and I can’t even wrap my head around it.My mind is all over the place, and I’m having trouble thinking straight. I just can’t…. What if this is who I am? I mean, I can’t just run to Lena and say ‘hey, forgive me. It was just my crazy talking’. It’s like I’m just shifting my behaviour off on something else when it’s still **my** behaviour. I have to take responsibility for it. It’s just…. How can I be with anyone, if this is my potential? This is what I amount to. Being a horrible person,” she said, finishing in a miserable tone.

 

_“Woah, Woah reign it in there Pope Francis. You’re starting to sound like a Catholic with all that guilt in your voice. Look, you pulled a dick move. Like a reallllyyyy dick move. But you’re not a bad person. And you’ve already taken the right steps in going to Jonn to see if you can get your meds sorted. The old Kara would never have even admitted she needed help, so that's fucking huge babe. And as for all this, ‘I’m eternally going to be evil’ crap, just calm right down. You’re not a serial killer, you have bipolar and your head’s in the wrong place. Now you’re right, don’t run around using it as an excuse for your behaviour. But you **can** bring it up as a reason for it. That, along with the fact that you need to pull your head out of your bum like Lena said, and realise that she’s perfectly entitled to get along well with people you aren’t you. You’re a confident person Kara, but you’ve created an image of yourself as Lena’s knight in shining armour. She’s not a damsel in distress Kara, and relationships are about supporting each other not dragging her from each stage of her recovery as if it’s up to you to decide when she's ok to do anything.”_

 

Kara winced at Lucy’s matter of fact tone.

 

“I’m not trying to do that.”

 

The other woman sighed.

 

_“I know you’re not Kara. But you have a terrible saviour complex. You’re helping her by being there for her as her girlfriend. You don’t need to be her Mom as well. And the jealousy is about your own insecurities in how you view yourself. Look, you love Lena right?”_

 

Kara frowned.

 

“Of course I do, she’s amazing. The funniest, kindest, most gorgeous-“

 

_“Yeah, yeah,”_ Lucy said cutting her off. _“I get it, she’s your ‘everything’. Well, I can tell ya, from the short time we talked, that girl is head over heels for you. She looks at you like you’re water, and she’s dying of thirst. Like you’re a piece of meat, and she wants to devour you. That girl wants to climb you like a tree.“_

 

Kara fought the urge to cover her ears.

 

“Ok, ok! I get it.”

 

Lucy let out a hearty chuckle, before speaking in an annoyed tone.

 

_“Speaking of, I can’t believe you would defile my mop closet with that stunt you pulled. What the hell was that? You treated her like a complete idiot, and it was totally disrespectful. Trying to use sex like that... how could you.”_

 

Kara felt her shame rise, but also indignation.

 

“What! You use sex all the time to get what you want!”

 

_“Firstly, I don’t do it all the time. And secondly, I sure as shit wouldn’t do it in a meaningful relationship. You’re better than that Kara. You must have really hurt her by doing that. And, you would've really felt like shit afterwards if you'd gon though with it. You told me this was a serious thing for you, and it really meant something. Stuff like that points to the opposite.”_

 

Kara let out a low groan before she palmed her forehead in her hand.

 

“I know Lucy. The way she looked at me… I don’t know what to do now though.”

 

The blonde could practically feel her best friend’s eye roll through the phone.

 

_“Well, obviously you need to talk to her dummy. And don’t say you don’t know what to say. I literally, just gave you a fricken analysis of your behaviour, so you can start with that.”_

 

Kara paused.

 

“You’re right.”

 

_“Well of course I am. Now get off the phone with me, and go tell your girl that Lucy set you straight. I can’t believe you almost messed up my friendship with her. Actually, don’t apologise, then Lena and I can bond over how dumb you are.”_

 

“Hey! You’re supposed to be on my side!”

 

_“I am on your side silly. Now hang up and I’ll see you on the weekend yeah? Lois is coming to visit Clark, so I’ll tag along.”_

* * *

 

 

After her phone call ended, Kara sat in silence for another minute. The conversation with Lucy certainly helped settle her clattering mind, and she spent some time gathering her thoughts before she checked the time.

 

An hour before dinner.

 

She was at Lena’s bedroom door within seconds, but she hesitated. Her heart pounded in her chest and she took a deep breath before tapping on the door. She wavered nervously for a few seconds before the door opened to reveal a neutral-faced Lena who simply arched an eyebrow, and gave her a look that had undoubtedly sent many businessmen running for the hills in the past.

 

Kara almost faltered under it, but she steeled her spine.

 

“I’m sorry. I know that I don’t deserve it, but I would really like the chance to explain my behaviour. If you’ll let me.”

 

The blonde nervously shuffled as a silence stretched between them as Lena surveyed her with her eyes. The bipolar woman was convinced that the other woman was going to turn her away, but was pleasantly surprised when the brunette opened the door wider and gestured for Kara to come inside. 

 

The chess board from the games room was set up on Lena’s bed, and the blonde raised a quizzical eyebrow.

 

“I see you stole the board.”

 

Lena glanced at it briefly, before speaking in a guarded tone.

 

“I invited Jack over for a match. He’s quite a good player and I think he’s still a little uncomfortable sitting with everyone in the games room. He just left.”

 

The blonde nodded, and she could see that Lena was gaging her reaction to the information. She walked over to the bed and picked up the white knight, and smiled at the memory of what Lucy had told her on the phone.

 

“Fancy a game?” She asked the brunette.

 

Lena tilted her head, and a touch of amusement ghosted over her lips.

 

“You’ll lose,” she said certainly before sitting down, choosing black.

 

Kara took the white side and gave the green-eyed woman a small smile.

 

“Probably.”

 

They played in silence for a few minutes, and the blonde could tell that the other woman was dragging out her playing.

 

The bipolar woman frowned when another pawn was stolen.

 

“You’re torturing me on purpose,” she complained.

 

Lena shot her a look, with an evil glint in her eye.

 

“You deserve it.”

 

Kara conceded the point with a small nod, before speaking in a cautious tone.

 

“I spoke to Jack this morning. He seems… nice.”

 

Lena mask didn’t slip, but she nodded in response.

 

“Yes,” she said, moving a piece. “He told me.”

 

The blue-eyed woman hummed.

 

“He also told me you apologised for your behaviour last night.”

 

Kara looked Lena dead in the eyes, and she hoped the regret on her face was taken as sincere.

 

“I really am sorry. To both of you. The way I behaved was-“

 

“Atrocious,” Lena finished for her.

 

The blonde sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. An action she couldn’t help but notice Lena followed with her eyes.

 

“Give me a chance to explain?” She pleaded.

 

Lena hesitated before nodding her assent.

 

“The last week, I’ve been… off. Breakfast yesterday morning, that thing with Sam? I was already leaning and it was like it tipped me over. Jonn came around afterwards to discuss changing my meds for the thousandth time, and then he told me to stay in my room to cool down. But I just got more stressed I guess. When I saw you with Jack, and you were laughing and smiling and… doing all the things I had ridiculously thought was just for you and me, I saw red. I behaved like a total caveman, and I’m so sorry. And what I did, with the mop closet… that was completely despicable. Honestly, I don’t blame you if you never forgive me. And if you want to break up, I completely understand. You should never be with someone who treats you like that.”

 

Lena looked at her with shock and a slight edge of panic in her eyes, and she quickly grabbed the blonde’s wrist.

 

“What? Of course, I don’t want to break up Kara. I love you. I’m not going to just stop loving you. Look…you had a slip with your disease. Your chronic disease Kara. I’m not going to reject you for that, as long as you do your best to get better. But I knew going into this what I was getting into, by falling in love with you. But it’s my fault too, I think,” She continued, frowning down at the board. 

 

“I think I need to educate myself more in understanding the warning signs. I get blinded by your love, maybe I miss things.”

 

Lena sighed, her face grew vulnerable and her voice soft.

 

“But Kara, I can’t have you say things like that. Belittle me, being possessive. I’ve spent too much of my life thinking nothing myself and believing it was ok to be talked to like that. My friends, my mother, my co-workers... To feel worthless. I’m learning to love myself again, and you’ve helped with that astronomically. I just don’t think I’m strong enough to hear stuff like that and not get wounded. Maybe I could from others… But not from you Kara. Not from you. It hits my heart like nothing else can.”

 

Kara’s eyes filled with tears, and she gripped Lena’s hands within her own.

 

“I really don’t deserve you Lena Luthor. And I am so sorry. I promise I will never do that again. Belittle you like that and… try to band-aid the wound I made with sex. It’s not healthy, and I don’t want that for us. Thank you, for understanding about my disease. But I know it doesn’t excuse what I did. I think it’s a great thing, that you have another person in your life who is a real friend to you. If anyone deserves the best people in their life, it’s you. I’ll really try to get jealous of you spending time with him. He’s your friend, and I trust you when you say that nothing happened with you two.”

 

Lena let out a slight laugh.

 

“I’ll admit, it would be slightly hypocritical of me to be completely upset about it. I was green with envy when I thought you and Lucy might have been a thing.”

 

Kara laughed in return.

 

“God no. Lucy and I will only ever be friends. Good friends, but just friends.”

 

The green-eyed woman smiled.

 

“And that’s all I want with Jack.”

 

The blonde woman smiled before she rubbed her thumb across the back of Lena’s hand. 

 

“I know it wasn’t like I left for Antartica, but I still missed you,” she whispered, before staring into the brunette’s eyes. They softened at the look and the ex CEO rubbed her thumb over Kara’s hand in return.

 

“I missed you too.”

 

They sat in silence for a minute before Kara spoke.

 

“I still feel like shit though… let me make it up to you?” She asked with an earnest expression that made Lena laugh.

 

“Just be the Kara I know and love darling, that’s enough for me…. And maybe make an effort with Jack. I think you two would really like each other once you get to know each other.”

 

The blonde nodded, even though she was slightly reluctant.

 

“Ok… But I’m still doing something else for you. It’ll be a surprise though.”

 

Lena smiled and caved.

 

“Ok then. How about you start by escorting me to dinner in half an hour?”

 

The blonde bounced to her feet with a wide smile and nearly launched herself out of the door when Lena’s soft voice stopped her. 

 

“And Kara? Stop trying to prove to everyone that you’re getting better. It’s only hindering you from actually _getting_ better. Do that for me, ok?”

 

The blonde paused glancing up and down the corridor briefly before turning back to the bed and giving the brunette a chaste kiss.

 

They both parted smiling.

 

“Love you,” Kara whispered into Lena’s lips.

 

“Love you too,” the brunette whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the chapter. Leave your comments below, I love to read them :)


	13. Whoever’s Calm And Sensible Is Insane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are. Again, apologies that le chapter is half a day late. I have to drive for ages to get a good internet connection at the moment, and I just couldn't be bothered last night :/ Anyway, I hope you all enjoy! Let me know in the comments below.

Lena was starting to realise that when Kara felt guilty about doing something, she would go slightly overboard to make up for it.

 

For the past three weeks, she had slipped poems under Lena’s door every morning. She walked her to and from dinner every night while parting with the gift of a flower. She also seemed to make it her mission in life to get to know Jack. Both of them didn’t seem to be particularly overjoyed about it but put on brave faces in front of Lena.

 

The problem seemed to be that they didn’t have much to talk about, except Lena herself or their particular progress in their treatments. Kara told tales about her time in the ward, and Jack entertained the blonde with stories of Lena in college.

 

_“You really have a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend’s name? How long were you together?” Kara asked with a laugh while Lena groaned._

 

_“Two weeks,” Jack replied with a laugh of his own._

 

_“Wait, wait, really?” Kara said with wide eyes and disbelief in her voice._

 

_“What was her name?” She asked, staring at Lena._

 

_Lena pursed her mouth, but the bearded man answered for her with a wide smirk._

 

_“Trixie.”_

 

_There was a small silence before Kara began to laugh so hard tears came to her eyes._

 

_The green-eyed woman shot Jack a glare, and he gave her a sheepish smile._

 

_“I remember at the time, I specifically told you that you weren’t to repeat that to anyone. Ever.”_

 

_Jack’s small grin slip through, which he tried to hide behind his hand. Kara kept chuckling at Lena’s pouty face before she eyed her with curiosity._

 

_“The real question is, where did you get it?”_

 

_Lena gave her a sultry smile and winked slowly, causing the blood to rush to the blonde’s face._

 

_“Wouldn’t you like to know?” She asked coyly._

 

_“Bloody hell,” Jack muttered. “Get a room you two.”_

 

But left alone to their own devices, the pair seemed to drift into awkward silences. In fact, the only time they truly began to bond was over their shared annoyance of Sam. Something that Kara joyfully proclaimed to Lena.

 

_“Haha! I got it!” Kara shouted excitedly before jumping onto the couch, startling Lena from her book._

 

_“Got what?” She replied, clueless as to why the blonde was grinning so hard._

 

_“A bonding moment. I got a bonding moment with Jack!”_

 

_“Oh?” Lena said smiling at Kara’s childlike enthusiasm. “And what would that be?”_

 

_“Three guesses Lena. Who is the one person that can bond all people in mutual irritation?”_

 

_“My mother?” The ex CEO replied with a cheeky grin._

 

_The bipolar woman rolled her eyes but smiled in return._

 

_“While I don’t doubt your word, from what you’ve told me your mother is a piece of work. I mean who hires guests for their daughter’s fifth birthday party?”_

 

_“A woman who wanted the good press of adopting an orphan,” Lena responded dryly._

 

_Kara grimaced and gave the brunette’s hand a light squeeze._

 

_“I’ll make your next birthday the best one of your life, I promise. Though it would help if you actually told me when it was,” she finished with a grumble._

 

_Lena smiled before answering._

 

_“And don’t think you’ll get it out of Jack. I never told him either. And the one that’s public isn’t my real one anyway, the Luthor’s changed it to the day I was adopted. Besides, I don’t want you to do anything. Just spending time with you would make it the best birthday I've ever have.”_

 

_Kara positively melted into a goofy grin._

 

_“I love you too babe, but don’t think sweet talking me will get you out of a birthday bonanza. I will find out, former investigative journalist remember?” She said with a wagging finger._

 

_Lena smiled at her girlfriend, but raised an eyebrow and tilted her head._

 

_“Shouldn’t I receive the first ‘grand surprise’ you’ve been planning for the past three weeks? Though I don’t really know how you plan to top all the romantic gestures you’ve been throwing twenty-four seven. Flowers and poems and commissioned sketches from Clark. And you convinced Jonn to let us use the kayaks again because you thought I should experience ‘being out on the water’. Then you harassed Maggie so much, she agreed to get more books for the library. Specifically on philosophy, because I mentioned once that I wanted to study it in college, but my mother wouldn’t let me.”_

 

_Kara smiled, but let out a dramatic sigh._

 

_“But you don’t understand Lena. All of that is just good wooing behaviour. No, what you need is a grand gesture of commitment. Besides, it’s all set to go.”_

 

_Lena huffed in annoyance, but secretly her heart glowed inside._

 

_“You know though, the thing I’m the happiest about is you working so hard on your health. and the effort you’re making with Jack.”_

 

_Kara smiled with enthusiasm._

 

_“Speaking of, you still haven’t guessed correctly the person we bonded over!”_

 

_“Hmmm, let me think…” Lena replied, pretending to think hard while tapping her chin. “I’m assuming that they might be the only person everyone in here dislikes. I’m guessing Sam?”_

 

_“That’s right!” Kara cried with joy, while the green-eyed woman bit her lip to stop herself from laughing._

 

_“We had a conversation for ten minutes about it!” The blonde squealed, vibrating like a kid on a sugar high._

 

_Lena rolled her eyes but patted her girlfriend’s hand with a fond smile._

 

_“That’s fantastic darling.”_

 

The whole bombardment of affection and attention from Kara had left Lena feeling slightly overwhelmed, if completely gooey internally. She’d been getting more and more wound up about it, without telling Kara about her thoughts. Around the end of the first week though, she couldn’t help but blurt out her feelings on the matter to Maggie.

 

After listening carefully to Lena’s rambling, the psychologist had given her a pondering look and a smile.

 

_“Well, I must admit it is great to hear you speaking about your feelings so openly with me. You’ve made so much progress in processing and understanding your own thoughts since you’ve arrived. But it’s one thing to talk about it here, and another to tell the person that those feelings concern. While I'll admit, I would find Kara’s… exuberance in her romantic gestures rather overwhelming myself, did you ever think that the you're feeling so uncomfortable about it, is because deep down you believe you don’t deserve her love?”_

 

_Lena was thrown off by the question, as she was often with her conversations with Maggie._

 

_“Well… I don’t know. I mean, I guess?”_

 

_Maggie tapped the end of her pen against her notes before crossing her arms in thought._

 

_“It just seems to me, that there has been a pattern of dysfunctional relationships in your life. Would you agree with that assessment?”_

 

_At Lena’s nod, the psychologist continued._

 

_“Well anyone you’ve ever craved love from, has either put conditions on it or made it completely unattainable for you to receive. Most of your family had passed away, so you are only left with your adoptive mother. Someone you have admitted, never viewed anything you did as good enough. Then you dropped in and out of short flings and relationships, in which you were never in danger of being vulnerable but they were also unfulfilling. Then you had your relationship with Veronica, probably the first time in a romantic setting that you felt you could allow yourself to be open to the possibility of love. Only for the situation to completely blow up when adversity came along. I would guess that a part of you craves the love you’ve never received, but the other part is completely overwhelmed by it.”_

 

_“And while it’s hard to learn to open up to someone completely, considering how many times you’ve been wounded in the past. You are also entering a situation were you view Kara as your hero. Therefore, you are willing to overlook or quickly forgive her behaviour that isn’t healthy for you or your relationship. Take the recent example that occurred when Jack arrived. Despite being extremely hurt by her, you were willing to forgive her relatively fast.”_

 

_Lena shook her head, and frowned at her feet will she picked at a loose thread in the cuff of her sleeve._

 

_“It wasn’t like I instantly forgave her. I’m not going to let her treat me the way she did, and then open my arms for more. But I also realise that she isn’t a Veronica, or my mother, or a meaningless hookup. Kara means something to me, something real. And as long as she’s willing to commit to our relationship, I will be too. I’m aware she has bipolar, but as she admitted when she apologised she is totally willing to take responsibility for her behaviour. I gave her a chance to be better than the way she behaved, and she really has been trying. Probably trying too hard… But that’s the thing, for the first time in my life I am convinced that someone really does love me. She’s seen my crazy, and I’ve seen hers and we still like spending time together. It’s just, I have the feeling she’s going to be as adoring as this for as long as we’re together. And I guess I’m just afraid that I’ll never be able to give her the same amount of love, that she gives me.”_

 

_Maggie sat back in her chair and looked Lena over._

 

_“Have you tried telling Kara this?”_

 

_Lena shook her head._

 

_“I mean… I try to tell her she doesn’t have to be as enthusiastic as she has been, but I’m pretty sure she just determined to make me feel like the rarest gem in the world. Well, as much as she can in here.”_

 

_Maggie smirked._

 

_“I give her credits for resourcefulness. She’s doing a lot in the hearts and flowers department considering her limited resources. Just imagine what she’ll be like on the outside.”_

 

_Lena groaned but allowed a small smile to sneak onto her face._

 

_“All in all, I think I was right about her being a reasonably good influence on you. It’s about time someone told you how important you are. The only thing to still work on, is you realising it too.”_

 

_The brunette smiled wider, her thoughts drifting to Kara as usual._

 

_“I suppose it might be slightly ridiculous that we spend so much of these sessions talking about my relationship with Kara. A slight deviation from the hospital rules.”_

 

_Maggie smiled in return._

 

_“My job is to help you get better Lena. As long as Kara is helping you to do that, I’ll never complain.”_

 

* * *

 

All these thoughts were currently revolving in her head as she the group participated in a yoga session, the brunette ceasing to pay attention to the instructor’s directions and instead staring at Kara bent into various poses. After the blonde caught her shameless ogling and shot her a smirk, Lena returned her eyes firmly to the shoreline of the lake with burning cheeks.

 

The silence of the group was broken by muffled giggling emanating from Clark and Kara as Jack struggled to follow through on a particular pose, and ended up flopping on his stomach like a seal. Lena couldn’t help the snort that escaped her, and her friend shot her a wounded look. 

 

The brunette quickly composed herself when the instructor turned around and glared at the lot of them. 

 

“Honestly, I'm surprised she came back after the lake thing last time,” Kara muttered out of the corner of her mouth to Lena.

 

“What lake thing?” Jack asked quietly.

 

The blonde arched an eyebrow and a wide grin grew on her face. Sam, overhearing to conversation turned and gave the blonde a murderous look.

 

“One word, puppy, and this time it’ll be you going bobbing for apples,” she hissed.

 

Kara bit her lip and kept quiet.

 

“Didn’t think you’d back down so fast darling. You going soft on me?” Lena asked in a flirty tone.

 

Kara gave her a piercing look.

 

“Maybe I’m just looking forward to my reward for good behaviour,” she said slyly.

 

Lena almost lost her footing on her mat, while Jack groaned and rolled his eyes.

 

“Get. A. Room.”

 

* * *

 

“Kara, we need to talk,” Lena said, stopping the blonde outside her room after Kara had escorted her back from dinner.

 

The blonde turned to face her with a panicked look, and Lena hurried to reassure her with a smile.

 

“No, nothing bad,” she hastily said, placing a hand on the blonde’s shoulder. 

 

The bipolar woman physically relaxed and released a heavy sigh while waiting for the brunette to continue.

 

Lena paused and gathered her thoughts on how to word her next sentence. 

 

“Do you think, that maybe you’re letting your guilt get the better of you here? I mean all the poems and short stories, which are beautiful don’t doubt me, as well as the sketches you keep asking Clark for… And the flowers. Don’t you think, you might be going a bit… overboard? Because you feel guilty?”

 

The blonde scratched the back of her neck awkwardly, before replying in a soft voice.

 

“Is it bothering you? Because I can reign it in if you want. I really don’t want to smother you.”

 

The ex CEO reached to grip her girlfriend’s hand and gave it a quick squeeze.

 

“Kara, I love that you show your love so openly. Trust me, it makes a nice change from trying to read into subtle signals of affection from my previous girlfriends. But… it’s a bit much. And I don’t want you to try and buy my forgiveness. I accepted your apology and I meant it, you don’t need to bribe me.”

 

The blonde’s brow furrowed, a crinkle formed between her eyes.

 

“I’ll admit, I do still feel guilty for my crappy behaviour. Maybe I have been a bit… excessive with everything. But it’s not because I’m trying to earn your forgiveness, I believed you when you gave it to me. I just… I guess it just inspired me to show you how much I love you. And how much you mean to me. I would give you the world if I could, and it still wouldn’t be a gift worthy of you.”

 

Lena’s heart melted, and she lifted a hand to gently trace Kara’s cheek.

 

“But I don’t want the world. All I want is you.”

 

The blonde captured the brunette's hand, and placed it over her heart.

 

“And you have me. I’ll never leave you.”

 

The ex CEO’s breath caught in her throat at her girlfriend’s words, and Kara’s gaze darkened. The blonde leaned forward until her lips were millimetres away from Lena’s own.

 

“You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” she whispered before pressing her lips gently against the brunette’s.

 

Lena sighed into the kiss, and her eyelids fluttered closed. She wound her hands behind the taller woman and threaded her fingers through the hair at the nape of the blonde’s neck. Kara was clearly losing herself in the kiss, as she moaned, opened her mouth wider and pressing Lena back against the door hard. The brunette’s let out a slight huff with the force, but smiled against her girlfriend’s lips.

 

“Jesus Christ. Could you two be any more obvious?” A dry voice asked from behind them and the pair sprang apart in shock. Lena’s hands instantly itching the flatten the hair she’d tangled on her girlfriend’s head.

 

Sam was staring at them with an unimpressed and highly annoyed look that made even Lena feel like a naughty child. The other brunette glared hard at Kara, and the blonde responded with a perfectly arched eyebrow that Lena was convinced she learnt from her.

 

“That won’t call me a liar when they catch you themselves,” she spat at the blonde.

 

Kara narrowed her eyes and responded with equal vehemence in her voice.

 

“You despise me so much Arias, and yet you’re determined to make me stay here as long as possible. Maybe because deep down in that lump of coal you call a heart, you really are terrified of the fact that you’ll never get to leave this place, so you’re trying to drag as many people as you can down with you. You’re nothing but a snivelling coward, scared that no one will ever love you the way I love Lena.”

 

Sam stepped into the blonde’s personal space, her face furious.

 

“You know nothing about me you bitch. You think just because you’ve found a fuck buddy in here, that you know anything about love? And you dare to tell me I don’t? Fuck you.”

 

The brunette finished her words, with a harsh slap across the blonde’s face. Lena was shocked, but a cold fury laced her as she made to stalk after the retreating woman. Kara stopped her, one hand held tight to Lena’s elbow while the other pressed to her cheek. 

 

“Don’t Lena, don’t rise to it. She’s not worth it. Besides, I pushed it. I shouldn’t have said that to her.”

 

The brunette hesitated, her eyes following Sam as she entered her own room and slammed the door. Lena turned to her girlfriend and pulled the blonde’s hand away from her face. The ex CEO winced as she took in the sight of the reddening cheek.

 

“Well if you don’t want anyone to know, I suggest you put a cold compress on that straight away,” she said softly, her fingers hovering over the swelling.

 

The blonde grimaced.

 

“I shouldn’t have told her no one would ever love her. It was a shitty thing to say to anyone, even Sam.”

 

Lena gave her a murderous look.

 

“That doesn’t make it ok for her to hit you!”

 

The blonde smiled at her, before lacing their fingers together.

 

“Pick your battles gorgeous. I’d rather spend my time with you then get into a war with Sam. Let it go.”

 

Lena was still undecided but returned her girlfriend’s smile.

 

“Well… I guess I’m proud of you for letting it go… Even if she doesn’t deserve it.”

 

Kara let out an exaggerated sigh.

 

“I just can’t win with you, can I?” She teased.

 

Lena rolled her eyes, before pushing the blonde gently towards her own room.

 

“Come on you dork, go look after your face.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kara found her in the library the next morning after breakfast.

 

“Ahh, knew I’d find you in your usual haunt,” she said happily, before taking her usual seat opposite the brunette.

 

Lena raised an amused eyebrow.

 

“You walked me back to my room after breakfast. I told you that I was heading to the library.”

 

The blonde waved her hand.

 

“Pftt, semantics. Anyway, I was thinking about what you told me yesterday, and if you really want me to tone it down I will. That being said, I still really want to do my grand gesture for you.”

 

Lena let out a slight sigh but nodded her head with a smile.

 

“Well, I won’t protest. You’ve said you already organised it, and I don’t want all your efforts to go to waste.”

 

Kara beamed, but a hint of nervousness shone through her eyes.

 

“The thing is, I kinda need to ruin the surprise of it. Because I want to see if you’re ok with it. And you totally don’t have to feel pressured or anything because I’m really not trying to force you into anything, so really don’t feel like you are obligated in any way I just thought that this would be a real way to show you how much you mean to me and-“

 

“Kara! Breathe, please,” Lena interrupted with a smile at her girlfriend’s adorable rambling.

 

The blonde took a huge breath, as her face turned red with embarrassment.

 

“Sorry. I just… I wanted to introduce you to my sister. This Saturday.”

 

Lena’s mouth opened with shock, and her mind began to run a million different scenarios in her head.

 

_Wait, what? She wants me to… to meet her sister? Her sister who didn’t want us to get together? Who reported on us? The sister Kara ignored for me? What if she doesn’t like me? Why would she like me? On no planet am I good enough for Kara. Failed former CEO and a sister to a suicide bomber. And a Luthor to boot. Why would Kara do this to me? I know she adores her sister, and she probably values her opinion. What if Alex tells her I’m horrible? What if she tells her never to see me again? What if Kara listens? And then I have to endure the horror of losing her. What if she doesn’t listen, and I end up creating this huge rift between them? I couldn’t bear that either. Oh shit, what am I going to do? I mean I can’t say no… but I can’t say yes. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

 

Kara must have noticed Lena’s terror and panic because she reached over and squeezed the brunette’s hand hard to get her attention.

 

“Hey,” she called softly, forcing Lena to look at her. The blonde’s blue eyes were soft, and she rubbed her thumb in a familiar gesture over Lena’s hand.

 

“You don’t have to be scared. I haven’t told Alex that I want you two to meet. I was going to ask her tonight about it. But if you don’t want to meet her, I totally get it. Alex can be a bit overwhelming. But you’re the first girlfriend, or boyfriend, that I’ve ever wanted to introduce to her without her demanding it. I adore you, Lena. You’re the most intelligent and the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, and I am so incredibly proud to have you as my girlfriend. I just want you to know that I take this seriously and I’m committed to you. I can’t tell you that she won’t interrogate the shit out of you, though I’ll kick her butt if she does. She loves me though, and she knows how great you've been for me. All she’s ever wanted for me is to find someone amazing. She’s gonna realise in five minutes that it’s you.”

 

Lena stared at Kara in silence, her heartbeat rapidly slowing down to normal. She looked at her girlfriend, determined to memorise every detail of the blonde’s face. Her pink lips and sun touched hair. Her gentle smile and her electric blue eyes. But most of all, the kindness that radiated off the taller woman so naturally, she seemed like a portable sun of joy.

 

“How do you do it?” The brunette breathed out.

 

Kara quirked her head to the side.

 

“Do what, gorgeous?”

 

Lena smiled softly before she reached to push a loose strand of hair behind her girlfriend’s ear.

 

“Love me. How do you love me?”

 

Kara frowned slightly, before giving the brunette an amused smile that was filled with adoration. 

 

“I don’t know actually. If you asked me how I breathe, I couldn’t tell you either. I feel like a part of me came alive the minute I met you. Loving you is as simple and easy as breathing for me. You’re the one, beautiful.”

 

Lena had to hold her breath to stop tears springing to her eyes.

 

“I’ll meet your sister. For God’s sake, I’ll meet Donald Trump! I’ll meet anyone you want me to meet. How could I be scared, if you’re by my side?”

 

Kara beamed, and tears also pooled in the corner of her eyes.

 

“All the good days, remember?”

 

Lena smiled and placed a gentle hand on the blonde’s knee.

 

“And all of them with you, darling.”

 

* * *

 

“Ok, I take it back. I’m still nervous as hell,” Lena said, the anxiety clear in her voice.

 

Kara turned to face her girlfriend and placed her hands on the brunette’s shoulders.

 

“Hey, listen to me. Who here made the Forbes list last year? You did. And who here turned her company’s finances completely around? You did. Who here made the incredibly brave decision to get help after a suicide attempt? You did. And who here, has managed to completely and totally capture the heart of this super amazing, and epically hot blonde patient?”

 

“That would be me,” Lena replied with a smirk, Kara’s antics working to make her feel better.

 

“Exactly,” the blonde responded with a smile, before letting her arms drop off Lena’s shoulders. “Now take a deep breath, relax and muster your inner CEO.”

 

Kara opened the door to visitation room, and the brunette hesitantly stepped through first. Her eyes locking on the badass looking redhead smiling at Kara.

 

The blonde leaned down and whispered in Lena’s ear quickly.

 

“Careful. I hear they smell fear.”

 

Kara moved forward to embrace her sister in a tight hug and with a smile, while Lena tried to muffle her snort at her girlfriend’s comment. The redhead extracted herself from her sister’s hug and turned to face Lena, her eyes appraising. The pair regarded each other in silence, both of them sizing the other up quickly. If Kara radiated kindness, her sister gave off nuclear levels of strength. Alex clearly had the give-no-shits attitude down pat, and a superficial part of her couldn’t help but be impressed by the definition of the redhead’s muscles that were only partially obscured by her clothes. Clearly, both Danvers sisters had strict workout routines. 

 

Alex had obviously finished conducting her own inspection, (Lena hoped for a positive result), and held out her hand to shake with a firm grip. The brunette returned it with some strength of her own, which resulted in asmall smile gracing the redhead’s features.

 

Well, hopefully she had done something right.

 

The three of them sat down, Alex continuing to stare at her while drumming her fingers on the table, making Kara roll her eyes.

 

“Jesus, Alex. Enough with the scare tactics!” She exclaimed with a sigh, shooting Lena a pained look.

 

“The worst thing about getting adopted was getting stuck with her. And they say I’m the crazy one.”

 

Lena smiled and laughed softly.

 

“Tell me about it. Older siblings huh?”

 

Kara gave her a soft smile in return and opened her mouth to reply, but Alex cut her off.

 

“Ahh, yes. Your bother Lex Luthor. The suicide bomber, right? Heard they interviewed you for fourteen hours about that.”

 

Kara immediately went pale.

 

“Alex!” She whispered, completely scandalised.

 

Lena, for her part, wasn’t offended so much as slightly shocked by Alex’s bluntness. The redhead was clearly gaging her reaction.

 

Lena cocked her head to the side slightly.

 

“Kara told me you were a scientist. When did you start working for the FBI?”

 

The redhead smiled, and her eyes filled with approval.

 

“Heard it was Rosenberg that interviewed you?” She asked, ignoring the question.

 

Lena nodded and wrinkled her nose.

 

“He smelt of tuna the whole time.”

 

Alex let out a laugh.

 

“Sure does. And he’s a dick. There was no reason you needed to be in that interview as long as you were. Anyone with half a brain could tell you weren’t involved, unfortunately, Rosenberg has no brain and only half a dick, if the rumours are to be believed.”

 

Lena raised an eyebrow.

 

“Only rumours for you?”

 

Alex made a disgusted face.

 

“God, I can’t even imagine that. Even if I wasn’t lesbian, there is no way in hell I go near that without a radiation suit. As it is, I’m a diehard member of the rainbow parade.”

 

Lena smirked and reached over the table for another handshake,

 

“Always nice to meet a fellow trooper. The name’s Lena, Lena Luthor. Unfortunately for you, I’m taken by the most beautiful girl in the world. Inside and out.”

 

The redhead reached across the table in return, and her posture visibly relaxed.

 

“Alex Danvers. I can totally hook you up with a club jacket.”

 

The brunette let out a laugh.

 

After the redhead retracted her hand, she stared hard at the brunette again.

 

“So… you love my sister huh?”

 

Lena glanced at Kara and her eyes softened.

 

“Yeah, I really do.”

 

The shorthaired woman nodded.

 

“And you’re going to treat her right? Because Kara hasn’t had the best taste in partners before.”

 

“Alex,” Kara hissed, looking mortified.

 

“She always picks the worst cases. The works in progress,” The redhead continued, ignoring her sister.

 

“Alex.”

 

“And then they always leave her worse for wear.’

 

“Alex!”

 

The redhead gave her exasperated sister a fond smile.

 

“I love you Kara, but you can’t deny your taste in partners is terrible.”

 

While the blonde spluttered, Alex turned back to Lena.

 

“Can you look after her? Understand how to interact with her and handle her bipolar? Can you commit fully? What are you plans once one of you leaves, hmmm? How is your relationship going to be affected then?”

 

“Alex!”

 

Lena merely raised her eyebrows at the inundation of questions and watched as Kara gave her an embarrassed look before turning a glare on her sister.

 

“You don’t have to answer all of her stupid and rude questions, Lena,” Kara said softly. 

 

Lena shook her head with a small smile.

 

“No, it's fine,” she replied, her eyes turning to face Alex’s stoic ones. “I don’t mind.”

 

The brunette gathered her thoughts for a few minutes.

 

“I will do everything in my power, to treat your sister well. Quite simply, I adore her. I’m not going to deny that I’m a work in progress. I come with a lot of baggage, and your sister knows that. Hopefully though, we might have found a matching set in each other. As for her having bipolar, I fundamentally don’t care. Kara is as earnest about working on that part of herself, as she is in writing poetry. As long as we promise to do our best to support ourselves, and each other through the dark days, I don’t think out relationship will be doomed to failure. I don’t know if I can look after her… I’ll do my best, but ultimately it’s Kara’s decision if she wants that. I’m not her keeper.”

 

Lena turned to look at her girlfriend again with a smile.

 

“And for the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan about how this will all turn out. Or how exactly we’re going to function once one of us leaves. I just know, I love your sister. More than anything else.”

 

After her speech, Alex stared at her again silently. Lena had the feeling she was being appraised again. It was only a few moments before the redhead rolled her eyes and spoke with a smile.

 

“What is it about this place? Does it send you all gooey in love? Maybe I should think about coming here, find myself a girlfriend. I can’t believe you have to get checked into a psych ward to find a decent one, Kara. Clearly, all the good people are hiding out here.”

 

Lena relaxed into her seat when the agent shot her a wink, and beside her Kara positively beamed before responding in a cheeky tone.

 

“The only reason you want to be in here is so you can talk to a certain psychologist every day.”

 

The shorthaired woman began to blush a flaming red and Kara laughed before turning to Lena.

 

“See? My sister is human after all. Strange what love does to a person huh?”

 

The brunette raked her eyes over the blonde’s lips.

 

“Strange indeed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy, fluffy fluff... Anyone else ready for some angst? Let me know in the comments below :)


	14. Insanity Is Comparative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm a day late! Sorry, sorry guys. Busy week behind me at work, and a busy week ahead! Anyway, I hope you enjoy, but let me know in the comments below :)

_“Dad! Mom!” She screamed, choking on the smoke she had woken up in._

 

_She flung herself from her bed and went to reach for her door handle when she saw the flicker of flames coming from beneath the door._

 

_Kara panicked. What should she do?_

 

_The question was answered when the door was flung open by her father, his mouth covered with a wet cloth, tears streaming from his eyes from the smoke._

 

_“Dad?” She questioned frightfully._

 

_He didn’t answer her, but merely gripped her arm tight, and pulled her towards her window, shutting the door behind them. He pushed, then followed her out onto the roof._

 

_“Kara, we don’t have any time. I need you to do exactly what I tell you, ok?”_

 

_At her nod, he continued._

 

_“I’m going to lower you down from the balcony as far as I can, but then you’ll have to jump the rest of the way. Can you do that.”_

 

_She nodded, fear in her eyes._

 

_“What about you, Dad? What about Mom? Where’s Mom?” She asked tearfully, gripping his arm tightly._

 

_A hint of fear crossed his face, but he gave her a brave smile._

 

_“I’m going to find her, ok? I’ll lower you down, then I’m going to find her.”_

 

_Her eyes widened further._

 

_“No! Dad, you can’t go back in there-“_

 

_Just then, a window pane exploded from the heat, and her father covered her with his body._

 

_“Kara, we don’t have time. I promise you, I’ll get your mother and we’ll meet you out front. I need you to wait further down the driveway, away from the house. Promise me!”_

 

_The blonde didn’t know what to do except nod._

 

_“Ok. Come on.”_

 

_He led her to the end of the roof, made her sit on the edge and held her arms while lowering her as close to the ground as he could._

 

_“Jump, baby. You’ve got to jump.”_

 

_She let go of his grip and hit the ground with a thud. Pain rushing through her ankle._

 

_“Are you ok?” Her father said worriedly._

 

_“I’m ok,” she hissed out._

 

_Another window exploded, and her father’s face filled with fear._

 

_“Do what I told you now. I’ll be out soon with your mother. We love you, Kara. Whatever you do, don’t come back into the house. Promise me.”_

 

_She nodded._

 

_Her father nodded in return and gave her a grim smile._

 

_“Remember we love you.”_

 

_Her father’s face disappeared._

 

_Kara limped away from the house._

 

_And even through the roar of flames, she could hear the screams._

 

_They were her own._

 

* * *

 

 

“Kara!”

 

The blonde woke with a start, once again drenched in sweat. A hand gripped her shoulder steady as she took heaving breaths, tears still running down her cheeks. 

 

A worried looking Nurse Vasquez hovered over her.

 

“Kara, it’s ok. You were just dreaming. It’s ok.”

 

She could hear her, but she seemed far away and her words did nothing to calm Kara's racing heart. And she couldn’t stop gasping for air. Kara pulled away from her hand, wrapping her arms around herself. 

 

The blonde vaguely recognised the sound of arguing coming from the doorway of her room. A voice that she registered as trustworthy.

 

“Let me in! Can’t you see she’s terrified? She needs me!”

 

“I can’t let you in Lena. You need to go back to your room.”

 

The frustration in the other woman’s voice increased.

 

“You don’t understand. She’s my…. she’s my friend. Kara needs me.”

 

“Lena, if you don’t go back to your room right now, I’ll be forced to-“

 

Kara’s racing brain caught up with her, and she managed to focus her eyes on her irate girlfriend standing at the entrance of the room, James blocking her entry.

 

“Lena…” she croaked, her voice begging. 

 

The brunette locked eyes with her and instantly, and determinedly, ducked underneath James’ and whisked her into an embrace.

 

Kara gripped her hard, tears flowing anew, soaking her girlfriend’s pyjama shirt with heart-wrenching sobs while Lena stroked her hair and whispered sweet nothings into her ear.

 

“It’s ok, darling. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

The blonde buried her head further into the green-eyed woman’s neck.

 

She vaguely recognised the sound of a deep sigh from James. Lena spoke to him sharply, but quietly.

 

“I’m not leaving her alone. I don’t care if it’s against the rules. You can kick me out tomorrow, I don’t give a shit. But I’m staying with her tonight.”

 

James’ let out another groan of frustration.

 

“Lena-“

 

Vasquez’s soothing tones cut over him.

 

“James… let’s not cause a scene. I’ll wait with them for the moment, you make sure the other patients are back in their rooms and then call Jonn. Just ask him if we can let her stay.

 

The tall man hesitated but must have agreed, because Kara could hear the sounds of retreating steps. 

 

After a pause, Lena spoke to the female nurse in a grateful voice.

 

“Thank you,” she whispered.

 

The nurse spoke back in an equally soft tone.

 

“It’s ok. She _should_ be with her girlfriend.”

 

Lena tensed slightly against Kara.

 

“You know?”

 

There was another silence before the nurse replied in a deliberately oblivious tone.

 

“Know what? I don’t know anything. Which is why I haven’t raised the issue. Just like _many_ of us, who may or may not have guessed something that is a violation of hospital rules occurring. We don’t know anything.”

 

Lena paused again, and Kara let out a soft sigh, her thoughts still jumbled but her heart rate slowing as she managed to focus in on the conversation.

 

“Thank you…” she whispered out wearily.

 

The brunette hugging her rested her cheek against the top of the blonde’s head.

 

“Thank you,” she repeated.

 

The nurse hummed.

 

“Don’t know what you're thanking me for. I don’t know anything.”

 

Nothing further was said, and James returned shortly after.

 

“Jonn said it was ok if you stay here tonight Lena… as long as the door remains open.”

 

The big man still sounded uncertain, and slightly uncomfortable with the decision. Lena, however, still let out a grateful sigh and Kara felt some of the tension dissipate from her shoulders.

 

“Thank you,” she said again.

 

“If you need anything…” Vasquez said, and Kara felt her girlfriend nod. 

 

After there was a few minutes silence, Lena obviously waiting for the nurses to leave, before the brunette peeled Kara’s head away from her chest and looked down at Kara’s teary blue eyes with worry.

 

“Darling…” she whispered softly, her thumb running over the blonde’s cheek. 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked gently.

 

Kara shook her head and burrowed back into Lena’s embrace. The brunette resumed stroking her hair, and the blonde let out a slight groan at the soothing gesture. Her tight muscles began to relax finally, and she was hit with a wave of exhaustion.

 

“I’m tired…” She hoarsely whispered.

 

Lena nodded again and began to arrange their bodies so they could both lie down on the bed, the brunette’s arms holding Kara’s back to her front in a strong embrace. The blonde fought her briefly.

 

“You don’t have to stay here. You don’t have to hold me,” she said softly with a weak train of defiance in her voice, even as she sunk back further into her girlfriend’s comforting embrace.

 

Lena let out a soft sigh but gripped her tighter.

 

“You don’t always have to be the strong one darling. Let me be here for _you_ tonight. Remember, it’s ok to let others help you. That’s how we met, remember? I was brave enough to get help.”

 

The blonde wriggled even closer, and held her girlfriend’s hand above her heart and whispered.

 

“I love you so much.”

 

“I love you too,” Lena whispered back, her breath tickling the blonde’s ear. 

 

“Go to sleep darling… I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise you.”

 

 

_I promise you._

 

* * *

 

Kara woke up early, yet still exhausted and confused.

 

Arms tightened around her, making the blonde go stiff.

 

“It’s ok, darling. It’s just me.” A sleepy voice said before pressing a gentle kiss to the blonde’s neck.

 

At the sound of Lena’s voice, the bipolar woman relaxed briefly before tensing again once she remembered the events of last night. The brunette woman must have felt it and there was a slight pause before she spoke again in a soothing tone.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

The blonde hesitated, fearing that if she did, she might disappear down a rabbit hole of chaos. She hadn’t really shared the details of her parents' death with her girlfriend, all Lena knew was that they had died when she was thirteen and then she was adopted by the Danvers. It wasn’t a memory that Kara was particularly fond of revisiting. In fact, after the incident had occurred, she had forcibly pushed the whole thing into a corner of her mind, with a big label ‘don’t open,’ crossed over it. She refused to discuss it with anyone, and quickly grew angry and lashed out whenever her new family gently tried to get her to open up. The first year after their deaths, was rather destructive for Kara. Her home life was shattered, her grades nosedived. Her old friends, who she was once so close with, stopped coming by to see her. Partly because thirteen-year-olds rarely know how to handle another friend's extreme trauma.

 

At least, that was what Kara told herself as she grew more and more isolated, and paranoid that people would now only whisper behind her back about her tragic life.

 

The only one who didn’t treat her with kid gloves, was Alex. Even though the redhead certainly empathised with her situation, the reality of having a newly adopted teenage sister with enough baggage to fill a train was quite contentious. Alex resented Kara for suddenly drawing all the attention from her parents. Kara resented Alex for _having_ parents. 

 

More then anything, the blonde hated the fact that her newly adoptive parents tried so hard to make her feel welcome. So even though they despised each other that first year, Alex was the only person Kara actually felt comfortable enough around to be herself. But even as the years grew, the blonde never talked about that night with anyone including her sister. 

 

At one point, after Jeremiah had died which threw Kara’s new life and Alex’s off the rails, Eliza insisted that both the girls attend therapy. While they both resisted the idea, in the beginning, her new sister soon began to find the mandatory meetings helpful.

 

Kara, on the other hand, despised them. She hated her psychologist, who continually tried to pry her open for inspection. Every session she either sat in silence or fled the second Eliza dropped her off, which only worked until her adoptive mother began to sit in the waiting room watching the blonde like a hawk entering the therapy room. 

 

For three months the battle of wills continued until the helpless psych admitted defeat and suggested to Eliza that Kara might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist upstate, one specially trained to handle cases like Kara's. 

 

Of course, once this idea was proposed to the blonde, she had exploded into a rage and ran away from home. Only caught near the border of the state after recklessly hitchhiking her way overnight with various truckers. 

 

Eliza was understandably terrified, and finally broke her decree of therapy when the blonde promised not the run away again, so long as she didn’t have to attend any more sessions.

 

Her grades had picked up afterwards, and although she remained slightly isolated, she was entering a, later determined, manic episode around the time of graduation and starting college. Being unaware of her condition, her newly enthusiastic mood was interpreted as a good sign from her family, the detrimental effects of it far easily hidden from them now that she was away at college. 

 

The years that followed, leading up to her court-mandated commitment to the hospital, had seen a series of swings in her mood as well as a startling amount of toxic relationships that left Eliza and Alex worried. Kara kept herself, and her more dramatic decisions, hidden from them. But even so, on one of her particular bad downward swings, her sister finally managed to convince her to visit a doctor.

 

_“Please, Kara. I need you to do this. For me.”_

 

She had gone reluctantly but had taken the doctor’s antidepressant prescription after her ten-minute appointment. The problem was, once she began to take them she felt even worse then she did when she wasn’t on them. Alex had been so happy to hear that she was finally getting help, that she didn’t have the heart to tell her she had gone off them. Instead, put on a happy face on Skype and glossing over the unsavoury details of her life.

 

It got harder to hide once she and her sister were living in the same city. But at that point, whenever Alex brought up her concern, Kara had returned to lashing out. At one point she refused to talk to the redhead for three months. After that, her sister had bit her tongue figuring it was better to be in Kara’s life at all even if silent, then shut out entirely.

 

All of this, leading up to the incident that landed the blonde in Krypton and her diagnosis of bipolar.

 

But even though the bipolar woman now fully appreciated the benefits of seeking help, and treatment, she still refused to talk about her parent's death. A small stubborn part of her wanting to keep that tragedy to herself and herself alone. It resided in the centre of her heart, and it was something nobody had ever made her feel comfortable enough to share. Kara knew, that the part of her that wanted so desperately to save other people was probably born from her inability to save her parents, but that was her business. And as long as she curbed that tendency, keep control of her illness and maintained a healthy outlook towards the future, she really didn’t feel a need to dredge up that part of her past. 

 

She hadn’t had nightmares on the matter in years, even during her time at the hospital. That was, of course, until Lena had arrived and the pair had become so close. There was a new mix of confusion added to the matter. She loved Lena. She trusted Lena. But this was hers. And revealing this would be baring her soul entirely. And sharing the one part of her that nobody else could call their own.

 

A sudden and sad realisation washed over her. Lena deserved someone who could give all their heart. Not a person who jealously guarded it for themselves. Someone to lift her up. A pillar for her to lean on. Not a person like Kara, who only gave her false hope of a solid foundation, before ripping the carpet out from underneath her constantly with her own dumpster fire of problems.

 

So all she could do, when Lena asked in that beautiful voice and such a gentle tone, was to answer with a slight hint of warning not to ask further in her voice.

 

“No.”

 

She could feel her girlfriend’s eyes boring into the back of her head and Kara felt the sudden urge to stand and run. She tried to rise from the bed as slowly as possible, pulling herself away from Lena’s arms. The brunette was looking at her with worry, so Kara averted her eyes and instead, she tried to shift the conversation slightly.

 

“Can you tell me what happened last night? I remember waking up after…. well waking up, and Vasquez and James were there. So were you.”

 

The green-eyed woman paused before sitting up herself and hugged her knees.

 

“You were screaming in your sleep. So loudly. You sounded like you were in agony. It woke the whole ward up, everyone was standing in their doorways, James and Vasquez ran past and told us to stay there. But I wasn’t going to leave you alone…. you were _screaming.”_

 

Lena paused, her eyes slightly haunted and Kara felt a wave of guilt crash through her.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “That I put you through that.”

 

The brunette’s distant look disappeared and was replaced with one of irritation and worry. She made to grab Kara’s hand.

 

“Don’t apologise. I don’t know what happened, but it wasn’t your fault. I wasn’t going to leave you like that. I love you too much to have gone back to my room.”

 

The blonde nodded, but pulled her hand away, uncomfortable again with the how close this conversation was edging on territory she didn’t wish to cross.

 

“Why would you risk getting kicked out for me Lena? That was stupid,” she said with a slight bite.

 

The ex CEO’s eyes widened with confusion, before narrowing slightly with concern. She stood up from the bed, and turned to face the blonde. 

 

“Kara. I love you. I wasn’t going to leave you like that. Besides, we got the all clear from Jonn, so there's nothing to worry about. And you heard Vasquez. I think a lot more people know then we think, but they aren’t going to say anything.”

 

Lena gave her a gentle smile, before lifting a hand to trace her cheek.

 

“Besides. At that moment, I didn’t care.”

 

The blonde pulled away again from the brunette’s touch, a spark of hurt flashing in the other woman’s eyes as her hand dropped.

 

“You said to me, you didn’t want me to accuse you of things that you haven’t done Lena. But I asked you, begged you, to keep our relationship quiet. We don’t know for sure that she won’t do anything now that she knows. And you staying in my room?” Kara said with exasperation.

 

“You’ve just made Jonn even more suspicious. He’s going to kick you out, and you're telling me you wouldn’t have cared? You’re supposed to be putting your health, and your stay here as your _first_ priority, Lena. Not me. How could you be so stupid?”

 

The brunette flinched at the comments, and Kara winced internally. She’d hit right at the heart of Lena’s weak spot, her low self-esteem, and the blonde knew it. Hopefully, though, it would give the other woman the motivation to stay away from her. 

 

To look after herself.

 

_She’d be better off away from you,_ a bitter part of the blonde’s brain whispered to her.

 

The taller woman shrugged off the voice but kept her eyes cool.

 

The green-eyed woman had recoiled slightly from the words but shook her head determinedly.

 

“You’re pushing me away now. I know what it looks like, I’ve done it to you. Why are you pushing me away?”

 

Lena took a step towards her, and the blonde took a step back.

 

The brunette’s eyes really began to fill with worry now.

 

“Kara, whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m here for you, just like you’ve been here for me. I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to feel pressured to tell me. Just know that I’m here.”

 

The blonde frowned, and the edge of a sneer curled on her lip.

 

“You see? It’s just what we didn’t want to happen. You’ve become so dependant on me, that you’re already letting me demean you without consequence. What happened to your internal pride huh? That you were working so hard on building?”

 

Lena frowned herself, and tears began to well in her eyes. Kara felt the urge to sweep her into a hug, tell her she didn’t mean it. That she was fucked up, and she was so so sorry she was. That Lena was a gift, who deserved to be treated like a precious jewel. To be with someone who would never hurt her.

 

But to ensure she ended up with someone like that, the blonde _had_ to hurt her.

 

“Kara… you’re not making any sense. And don’t tell me this is your bipolar because I know it isn’t. This is deliberate, and that's how I know this is you trying to get me to leave because the real Kara is the kindest person I know. And she loves me.” Lena said pleadingly.

 

The blonde closed her eyes in pain.

 

“Kara. I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you tell me to.”

 

The blonde opened her eyes, to stare down at Lena’s green ones.

 

“Is that what you want?” Lena asked in a quiet voice. “Do you want this to end? Because then I need to hear you say the words.”

 

The brunette’s lip was quivering, but her spine remained straight. Kara wanted to break down in tears, lock the door so the two of them could stay in here alone and forever. She wanted to fall apart in front of this beautiful, amazing and extraordinary woman. A person whose inner strength, the thing she struggled herself to see, was so profound. Kara wanted to let go of the final piece of her heart, entrust it to this fantastic woman. A woman that looked at her with pure love in her eyes. She wanted to have Lena help build herself back up.

 

But what she wanted, and what Lena needed were two different things.

 

And Lena deserved someone better than her.

 

The blonde opened her mouth to respond, but she was halted by a single finger that was placed over her lips.

 

“Don’t tell me now,” Lena begged, and in a pained whisper that indicated she already knew what her girlfriend was going to say.

 

“Please… I beg you to think about it before you tell me. I’m going to give you space now. You can find me when….”

 

Lena shuddered and closed her eyes.

 

“When you make your decision.”

 

On that note, and with a last lingering look, Lena turned on her heel and left the room. 

 

She hesitated at the door and whispered over her shoulder.

 

“Nothing but good days, remember?”

 

After the door clicked behind her, Kara all but crumbled into a heap on the floor. Releasing all the pent-up emotion in the form of tears. Everything she had crashing around in her chest and head.

 

And her heart.

 

* * *

 

She was barely allowed five minutes of confused emotions and self-pity when her door was knocked on. Kara stood to open it, revealing the tall and taciturn Jonn. The blonde felt a wave of tension wash over her quickly, then exit just as fast. She came to the realisation that she simply didn’t care anymore if she had done yet another thing to sabotage her chances of leaving. In fact, it was probably better she stayed in her forever. Long after Lena had moved on, and found someone else who was actually good enough for her. Away from reality, where she was in charge of her own future and where she could royally fail and disappoint her sister and adoptive mother again. Safe and tucked away in this place, where she could walk the halls forever with Sam. Probably to become just as bitter and angry with the world.

 

“I presume you want to talk to me about last night?” She asked in a world-weary tone.

 

Jonn raised an eyebrow, but he didn’t dispute the statement. 

 

“Why don’t we go to my office. I’ll give you as many cookies as you want today and I won’t even complain.”

 

Kara nodded glumly and closed the door behind her. She followed Jonn into his private office and took the seat opposite him in a silence that stretched.

 

The stern looking man reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a whole box of cookies, placing them in front of her. Kara would have been over the moon, any day but today. Instead, she merely stared at them before whispering.

 

“I’m really not that hungry.”

 

He lips downturned slightly, but he didn’t comment further.

 

Another silence stretched before he spoke again.

 

“Can you tell me what happened last night?”

 

Kara felt a flash of anger.

 

“What does it matter, huh? Just add another year to my sentence, heck, another five! What do I care anyway? I’m clearly completely incapable of re-entering society in any form, I’m that fucked up. I’m never going to be normal… I can’t even… I just hurt people.”

 

She slumped into her chair with a sigh, a few tears trickling down her face. Jonn remained silent, but place a tissue box in front of her.

 

After she blew her nose, Jonn finally spoke in a stern voice.

 

“Kara, look at me.”

 

The blonde did, his eyes pinning her to her seat.

 

“This is the first time, in all of our sessions here, that you have been emotionally vulnerable. I want to stress the importance of this moment before we deal with your other concerns.”

 

Jonn gave her a smile, which confused Kara.

 

“You’ve spent your time here, addressing your illness and how to handle it moving forward. And not enough time spent on what has happened to you in the past. _Talking_ about what happened in your past, and ultimately forgiving yourself.”

 

The blonde made a noise of protest, but the psychiatrist stopped her with a raised hand.

 

“There is a big difference between acknowledging why you behaved the way you did and forgiving yourself for it. One of the reasons, your stay has been prolonged here, is because you have been so determined to leave and face your future with your new coping mechanisms, that you are skipping out on handling the problems of your past. You put on a bravado, of determined optimism, in the hopes that it will convince everyone how ‘good’ you are now. Frankly, I think you are terrified that if you allow yourself to be vulnerable here, I’ll assume you are having a depressive episode and adjust your medication again. But Kara, you can still talk about what’s upsetting you without being depressed. It’s ok to talk about it.”

 

Jonn gave her another smile, as she took a shuddering breath.

 

“Now, as to the rest of your statement. I’m not in the business of tacking on extra years to your stay, simply because you obviously had a very bad nightmare. Secondly, your increased stay had nothing to do with you not behaving up to standard or any such nonsense. It’s because when you leave here, I want you to be in a place where you can exit into the world _believing_ in yourself, _understanding_ yourself and _ready_ to move forward. The key is to achieve those three goals.”

 

Jonn listed them out on his fingers, before giving her an amused look.

 

“As for being normal…. there is no such thing. No one person is the same as the one next to them. Our lives shape us, and since we are the only one living our own lives, it wouldn’t make sense for anyone to be the same as anyone else.”

 

The psychiatrist gestured again to the tissues, as more tears fell from the blonde’s eyes.

 

“Now finally onto this statement about you hurting people...Everyone hurts people in life Kara. No one goes through life without making some mistakes and damaging people around them slightly. Anyone who says different is lying. Now you may think, that you’ve hurt more people than average and maybe that’s true. But, it doesn’t take away from the good you’ve done either. Look at what you have accomplished with the patients you’ve met since you’ve been here. Befriending Clark, allowing the others to see the extraordinary man he is despite _and_ because of his illness. I’m pretty sure you single-handedly tamed Ms Lane… at least slightly. And you were an extraordinary friend to Mike, and role model. Look at the man he has become! You helped these people, every single one.”

 

Jonn gave her a knowing look.

 

“And perhaps the most dramatic change of all is how you have helped Ms Luthor.”

 

Kara looked up startled as the psychiatrist stared at her. She began to shift uncomfortably in her seat but sat rigidly at his next words.

 

“Love is an extremely powerful thing. Perhaps the most powerful thing in the universe. And I have no doubt, that you loving Lena has profoundly changed her life for the better.”

 

The blonde cleared her throat and croaked out.

 

“You know?”

 

Jonn gave her a smirk.

 

“Ms Danvers, I am the leading clinical psychiatrist in the state. I have two PhD's _AND_ I manage a staff of extremely observant and gossipy nurses. Of course, I knew.”

 

Kara spluttered in her seat.

 

“But if you knew all this time, why didn’t you say anything? You called us out the first week and warned us not to get involved! Why would you do that, if you were fine with it?”

 

Jonn let out a sigh and rubbed his hand down his face.

 

“Because I’m not fine with it. Usually, liaisons such as yours between patients are a recipe for disaster in terms of their recovery. But I can honestly say, once I had determined that the both of you were, in fact, seeing each other, I could only note that both of seem to be making leaps and bounds in terms of your individual recovery. You, in particular, have progressed astronomically since the arrival of Ms Luthor. How can I discourage something that is so obviously beneficial to my patient's health? As for why I didn’t say anything… it is still a breach of the rules. I am only in charge of this part of the hospital, I have overseers, as do my staff. If you were to broadcast your relationship even more obvious then you have been, and we were found to have done nothing when we found out… trouble. Big trouble. For everyone. And finally…” he said, drifting off with a small smile.

 

“I totally ship it. And it would be unsportsmanlike to prod either of you in a particular direction… Some things, are simply better when they occur naturally.”

 

Kara raised her eyebrows in disbelief and released a small laugh.

 

“You’re kidding? Next, you’ll be telling me you write fanfiction!”

 

Jonn laughed, before pulling an exaggerated serious face.

 

“I’ll have you know, Maggie values my SuperCorp fan fiction quite highly!”

 

“SuperCorp?” Kara questioned.

 

The doctor grinned hard.

 

“Your shipping name. Corp, for L-Corp. Lena’s company. And Super, for-“

 

“Supergirl,” Kara finished with exasperation and a shake of her head at her doctor’s unexpected silliness.

 

“I’m having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around this,” she confessed.

 

The doctor kept smiling, but his tone became serious again.

 

“Now that we have discussed that, it would obviously be preferable if you tried to keep it relatively… errr… quiet.”

 

His face became stern, and he waggled a finger.

 

“And don’t you dare desecrate my mop closet! I just got the board to increase my budget for cleaning supplies…” he grumbled.

 

Kara blushed brightly but fought to keep her face neutral.

 

“Yes, doctor.”

 

He eyed her suspiciously but moved on with his questions.

 

“Now…. we should discuss what happened last night. Can you tell me what occurred?”

 

She paused and bit her lip, battling with her rising anger at the question and the area of her past it pertained too.

 

Jonn obviously guessed her heistation.

 

“You don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to. But I would recommend you talk about it with someone. Bottled things tend to explode rather dramatically, and usually, on the people we love the most.”

 

Kara paused again, and her lip wobbled.

 

“I think it already did,” she whispered.

 

Jonn didn’t say anything, and waited for her to continue.

 

She felt a building pressure in her chest, terrified of speaking about it. But, finally, she decided to let go of her control.

 

“I’m pushing her away. Because there a things I don’t want to tell her, to talk about with her. And she deserves someone who gives their whole heart. I can’t be that person.”

 

The doctor frowned.

 

“Don’t you think she has the right to decide for herself, whether you are worthy of her?”

 

The blonde shook her head.

 

“Her love for me is blinding her to the truth.”

 

He titled his head.

 

“Or maybe, your love for her is blinding _you_. To the idea that someone like Lena, would choose to be with you. All your baggage included. That being said, I’m certain that someone as intelligent and empathetic as Ms Luthor is more then willing to wait until your are ready to share those parts of yourself.”

 

Kara’s eyes widened.

 

“But I’ve never shared it with anyone! And I never will!”

 

Jonn shrugged.

 

“Maybe not yet, but it could happen. But if it doesn’t, she still has the choice to accept that. Her choice, not yours. The best thing, if you are scared about it, is to tell her that. Tell her you are uncertain. Relationships are a partnership, and communication is key.”

 

The blonde acknowledged his words as true, and felt her pool of guilt rise again.

 

“You sure know a lot about this? Are you married? Oh… wait, I shouldn’t have asked that…” she trailed off.

 

Jonn smiled, slightly sad.

 

“No, it’s ok. I’ve been married twice. My first marriage, I had two children. My little girls. But…”

 

The man paused when his voice caught and composed himself slightly before continuing.

 

“They were taken from me.”

 

Kara was shocked.

 

“Oh… I am so sorry Jonn.”

 

He smiled.

 

“Thank you. They were the light of my life and once they were gone I went to a dark place. I buried myself in work and in other people’s problems so I didn’t have to face my own. That is,” he paused again, his smile growing.

 

“Until I stopped by a bar, on a Saturday night. And there was this grumpy, beautiful bartender pouring drinks. I tried to fight it at first, but I couldn’t help but be drawn to her.”

 

Jonn held up his hand to show his wedding ring.

 

“Five years now I’ve been married to Megan. Her grumpiness brought back the sun to my life.”

 

The doctor looked her seriously.

 

“True love is rare. I am blessed to have expirenced it four times. With my first wife, my two daughters and with Megan. But what if I had never asked my wife out? Or never revisited that bar after Megan cut me off and booted me out the door. I would have let love slip through my fingers.”

 

He gave her a small smile.

 

“Hold onto your love Kara. If it’s true and you work at it everyday, no amount of baggage will come between you.”

 

* * *

 

Kara watched from the doorway as Jack and Lena played a game of chess. She coughed and gained their attention. Lena’s expression changing to resigned with a hint of fear, but nonetheless, she asked Jack for a minute alone with the blonde woman.

 

After her left, the pair awkwardly stood in silence.

 

“Could we go to my room?” Kara asked gently. “If thats ok.”

 

The brunette hesitated, but nodded and followed the bipolar woman down the hall. After they entered, the taller woman closed the door behind them with a small click. The gesture made Lena raise her eyebrows.

 

“Kara, what are you doing? You know if we get caught with the door-“

 

She was cut off with a squeak when Kara pulled her in for a kiss. Lena was rigid for a second, before relaxing and practically melting in the blonde’s arms. She snaked her hand around the taller woman’s neck and sighed against the bipolar woman’s mouth. Kara let the kiss linger, far longer then she would have felt comfortable with before due to her paranoia at being caught, but ultimately broke it gently and leant her head against the shorter woman's.Lena seemed slightly out of breath and dazed, and the blonde allowed a small smile to creep over her face.

 

“I’m sorry, if that was unwelcome… I just-“

 

She was cut off by a return kiss, which was short and sweet.

 

“Kisses from you, are rarely unwelcome,” Lena whispered back, her eyes filling with tears as she looked up into Kara’s.

 

“Does this mean you’re not breaking up with me? Because I’ve been emotionally preparing myself all morning.”

 

The blonde smiled and held her girlfriend close.

 

“No, I’m not breaking up with you. I was an arse this morning… I’m sorry that keeps happening. What I said was uncalled for, and you were right. I was pushing you away. And I know how much _I_ hate that, so I have no excuse for doing it to you.”

 

Lena toyed with the the hair at the base of Kara’s neck.

 

“It’s ok if you want space or don’t want to talk about something Kara… _you_ taught me that. Just, don’t push me away like that. I was… I’m sorry if I overstepped last night, and I know how worried you are about being careful. I’m sorry I didn’t respect-“

 

The blonde cut her off with another quick press of their lips.

 

“Beautiful, you have nothing, _nothing_  to apologise for. You heard me screaming, and you came running. It took a lot of guts to do what you did. I can’t… it amazing to me, that you would love me that much to risk your place here. It’s a little scary…. but it’s not a bad scary either.”

 

Kara smiled.

 

“And I want nothing more than to be able to walk up to you, and sweep you into my arms for all the world to see. It should be a little easier now though,” she said with a sheepish grin and continued when Lena quirked her head in question.

 

“It seems our efforts have been mostly in vain. Jonn knows about us and shock of a lifetime... he approves! Can you believe it?”

 

Kara became so excited, she swept a speechless Lena off the ground and spun her in circles until the other woman laughed and patted her shoulder for her to stop.

 

“You mean… you mean we don’t have to be-“

 

The blonde shook her head.

 

“It’s not official approval beautiful. We still have to be…errr… discrete. But at least now I’m not going to be spending part of the time I’m kissing you, terrified someone will catch us.”

 

The bipolar woman smiled, and rubbed a thumb over Lena’s lips gently, making the brunette shudder.

 

“Kissing you, should require all of my attention.”

 

The ex CEO’s eyes darkened, but before she could pull Kara in the blonde paused her, and frowned slightly.

 

“Just… about last night. I had a nightmare, obviously… it was about… it was…”

 

Lena clearly noticed the difficultly Kara was having, because her eyes softened and she held her girlfriend’s arm gently.

 

“It’s ok Kara. Tell me when your ready.. and if you never are, that’s ok too. I’ll love you regardless. Just know, that I’m here for you.” 

 

Lena smiled.

 

“Just like you’ve always been here for me.”

 

The blue-eyed woman began to tear, Lena, catching them as they fell with her finger.

 

“Darling, I hope it doesn’t sound too cheesy…. but you’re my everything… I can’t even picture a world anymore where I don’t know you.”

 

Kara smiled and pulled her girlfriend in for another hug.

 

“It would be a dark world indeed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there was angst.... but I had to finish on a fluffy note! What can I say? I'm in a fluffy mood :)


	15. I Was Never Insane Except Upon Occasions When My Heart Was Touched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughh... sorry this is late. I'm busy busy busy.

“I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do.”

 

Maggie tilted her head to the side.

 

“Just think. Use your head and your heart.”

 

Lena narrowed her eyes at the psychologist.

 

“Oh, well wow! Thank you so much for that excellent piece of advice! Now all my problems are magically solved!”

 

The dimpled woman rolled her eyes.

 

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you that sarcasm is unbecoming?”

 

The green-eyed woman raised her hands in the air.

 

“I’m being serious Maggie!”

 

The Latina woman huffed and banged her notepad down on the table, having enough.

 

“Lena, I’m your psychologist. I’m here to help you with your mental health. Not to offer gift advice for your ‘hypothetical’ girlfriend’s birthday! Now, are you going to let me do my job? Or are you going to spend another fifteen minutes bemoaning the fact that you can’t buy her a pony or a yacht or a bloody rocket ship from in here.”

 

The ex CEO’s head perked up.

 

“Do you think she’d like a rocket ship?” She asked with desperation in her eyes.

 

Maggie just stared at her, and Lena sighed after a few seconds.

 

“Yes… I suppose that would be-“

 

“Completely over the top? A ridiculous display of wealth? Maybe Lena… those could be reasons not to buy Kara a fucking rocket ship!”

 

Lena grumbled in her seat and crossed her arms.

 

“Well, it was your idea…”

 

The other woman groaned and rubbed her head.

 

“The fact that you even have the means to buy your girlfriend of a few months a rocket ship completely baffles me… But disregarding that, like I said, we are supposed to be talking about you. Can we please get back on topic?”

 

“But this is about me!” Lena said pleadingly. “This is seriously affecting my mental health! Kara’s told me hundreds of times about how important birthdays are for her. How she would plan elaborate parties and surprises whenever her friends had a birthday. One time she organised a bloody cruise! She’s been bugging me for ages about telling her when my birthday is… and I know if she knew the date, she would pull out all the stops and do something ridiculously romantic! I mean, how can I top that?”

 

“How can you top a birthday celebration that hasn’t happened yet, and won’t happen as long as you don’t tell your girlfriend when your birthday is?” Maggie muttered, her voice layered with sarcasm. 

 

Lena continued on oblivious.

 

“And when she talks about the birthday parties her family used to throw for her! Her birth parents would take her on trips every year! And when she was adopted, Eliza would always make her a homemade cake and Alex would take her surfing! She’s been here for two years now, and she hasn’t been able to have any of that… It’s my job as her girlfriend to make up for that! I have to do something spectacular.”

 

Maggie gave up, sighed, and closed the file on her notes.

 

“Lena, you are hardly in a position here to organise something grand. You have to work with what you’ve got. I think personally, that Kara will love anything you do for her. Big or small. She knows she loves you, and that you love her. Something small and heartfelt will be fine.”

 

The brunette’s fingers twitched briefly before a smile suddenly graced her face.

 

“Maybe… but I’ve just had an idea.”

 

The psychologist groaned.

 

* * *

 

Lena was practically skipping after her appointment… which took half an hour longer than scheduled. She'd finally figured out something she could do to mark to the occasion of Kara’s birthday. The ex CEO knew of course that Maggie had a point. It wasn’t that the brunette didn’t want to do something heartfelt like she knew her bipolar girlfriend would do for her.

 

But she wasn’t like Kara. 

 

Lena wasn’t a painter or an artist. She definitely wouldn’t be able to write a romantic poem like the blonde would do for her. It didn’t help that she didn’t have much experience to go on when it came to heartfelt gifts.

 

Her families idea of marking a birthday consisted of throwing elaborate parties. Every year, from the moment she was first adopted she had been paraded out like a doll to impress all of her parent's arrogant friends. The children of their friends were equally as arrogant, and the second their parents' backs were turned they would make fun of and harass Lena within an inch of her life. She was a solitary child by nature, quiet and thoughtful. Lena would have much preferred to spend her ‘adoption day’ celebration in the library reading a good book. Instead, she spent the majority of her time trying to find a good hiding place in whatever hall of hotel her father had booked for the occasion. 

 

Inevitably, she would be found and tormented. One time her mother found her afterwards with a split lip and a torn dress. When she told her tearily what had happened, how Maxwell Lord had pushed and punched her, she had been sent to bed without dinner as punishment for ruining her dress and spreading rumours that could ruin the family’s business connections. 

 

After that, Lena learned to keep her mouth shut no matter how much she was teased and bullied. It was only when Lex had caught the Lord boy ready to push her off a second-floor balcony that the torture, and the parties, finally stopped. 

 

He didn’t say much and simply pulled Lena away from the shitty teenager in silence. 

 

The next day though, Lionel and Lillian were furiously discussing how the Lord boy could have possibly broken his arm at by falling from the second-floor balcony.

 

Every year after that, Lex took Lena out for the day. Sometimes they would go to a museum or an art auction. Later when he started working at the company, he would allow her to come with him into the labs. They built and rebuilt robots. Lex would encourage the usually quiet girl to play and tinker with what she wished and to read and give her thoughts on any new projects the company was taking on. He would listen and give her his full attention as she rambled earnestly, only occasionally giving her a small smile or kind word that would always make her heart glow.

 

“That’s a brilliant idea, Lena. One day, you’ll be the one taking the future of our company to new heights.”

 

Our company. She was part of Lex’s family.

 

Things started to change when she was sent away to boarding school. Her birthdays were once spent away from her home, and Lex wasn’t around to take her out for the day. Instead, she simply got a courtesy phone call from him to mark the occasion and an impersonal gift from her parents. 

 

As the years went on, the phone calls from her brother became shorter and shorter, until he stopped calling completely.

 

Lena grew angry in her time away.

 

Angry and depressed and anxious.

 

The ‘friends’ she made, were rather unsavoury. She was attracted to the rough crowd, the rule breakers. They let her hang around, Oliver, Nyssa and later Veronica. She was the token kid, the one they could get to run their errands and the one on the chopping block if they got caught.

 

The disposable one.

 

Things started to change when Sara came along, and when Lena graduated and started working in her families company. She only realised now, that as her influence grew in the elite crowd, her value to her ‘friends’ grew higher. Nyssa’s girlfriend was now the sacrificial lamb, and Veronica finally seemed to stop playing the field and show an interest in settling down with her and her alone. 

 

Birthdays amongst her friends were a sea of parties, sex and drugs. Usually, in a foreign country and at the very least a large amount of money was blown. 

 

Usually Lena’s money.

 

Which she then earned back ten-fold by not sleeping for a week and working every hour of the day.

 

And on her birthday, her increasingly distracted and erratic brother would barely acknowledge she was alive and her mother would get her assistant to send her a fruit basket.

 

Her on-again-off-again girlfriend’s gift would be giving Lena her full attention. Instead of disappearing with a drugged up girl she met at the bar of the club they were drinking at that night.

 

In the ‘free spirit’s’ opinion, Veronica’s greatest gift of all was saying yes to Lena’s proposal.

 

So Lena didn't have much experience in real gifts, and birthday’s that really meant something. 

 

It wasn’t like she was much better than her friends and family. The few times she had tried to be heartfelt, it was thrown back in her face.

 

The handmade, and admittedly badly drawn, painting that Lillian had sneered at.

 

The robot Lena spent six weeks on her first year away from home building, that she found later that Christmas in the corner of Lex’s workshop under a pile of loose bolts.

 

The tickets she personally waited in line for two days to get, only to have Veronica vanish to hook up with the lead singer of the band they came to watch.

 

So she was happy, ecstatic even, that she finally thought of something that Kara would appreciate. Even if it wasn’t as personal as she would have liked….

 

Lena was so lost in her thoughts, that she rounded the corner of the hall and ran smack bang into Jack.

 

“Woah, there!” He said, catching her by her shoulder’s when she nearly fell. “Off in your own world, I see?”

 

“Oh, hi Jack. Sorry. I was just thinking about Kara’s birthday. It’s tomorrow and I've been racking my brains for weeks about what to do for her… and what to get for her,” she said trailing off, before eyeing him with laser-like intensity.

 

“What do you think I should get for her?” She all but demanded.

 

The bearded man looked slightly startled at her forceful tone and blinked rapidly.

 

“Oh, I errrr…. Umm, I don’t really-“

 

Lena fixed him with a glare.

 

“Well, I would…” he said, trailing off awkwardly. “I guess something from the heart? I mean you can't really do much from-“

 

“From in here,” Lena finished his sentence with an annoyed tone. “Why does everyone keep saying that?”

 

Jack smirked.

 

“Because it’s true? Look, I don’t know her as well as you, but I’m sure if you just do something-“

 

“From the heart,” Lena said.

 

The man raised an eyebrow, before continuing.

 

“I mean, as long as it’s-“

 

“Genuine.”

 

He huffed and rolled his eyes.

 

“Then you-“

 

“Can’t go wrong.”

 

It was Jack’s turn to glare, and he folded his arms across his chest with a grunt.

 

“Why did you even bother asking me then.”

 

Lena raised her arms in exasperation.

 

“Because I was hoping you’d offer a different suggestion, then the same unhelpful one I’ve been getting from everyone else. The only actual solid thing anyone told me to do was from Clark. And his suggestion was a flower crown. I’m not kidding, a flower fucking crown.”

 

Jack smiled in amusement, before looking thoughtful.

 

“You know… I think Kara would actually really-“

 

“I’m not making her a flower crown for her birthday Jack!” She snapped.

 

He held his hands up in surrender. 

 

“Don’t you think you might just be taking this a little too seriously?”

 

“Who’s taking what seriously?” 

 

The arguing pair turned to find a curious Kara behind them, an eyebrow tilted in question.

 

“Nothing! Nothing!” Lena replied overly panicked and with a strained smile before elbowing Jack in the ribs.

 

He yelped and frowned while rubbing his side. He shifted his annoyed look from Lena to Kara.

 

“Nothing…” he grumbled before walking off.

 

The blonde’s eyes followed him, highly confused.

 

“What’s his problem?” She asked.

 

Lena forced her smile even wider before grabbing onto her girlfriend’s elbow and dragging her in the opposite direction of the retreating man.

 

“Errr…. Lena?” Kara questioned after nearly tripping over her feet due to the speed Lena was pulling her along at.

 

“Can you let go of me, and tell me what’s going on?”

 

Lena instantly dropped her arm and gave her a sheepish look.

 

“Oh, sorry. I guess I’m a little… out of sorts.”

 

The bipolar woman raised her eyebrow and started to rub some feeling back into her arm.

 

“Out of sorts about what?”

 

Lena gestured vaguely.

 

“Oh, you know…. everything….”

 

The blonde tilted her head and a small smile grew on her face.

 

“Is this about tomorrow?”

 

Lena paled and picked a spot on the ceiling to stare at.

 

“Tomorrow? What’s happening tomorrow?” She asked with an innocent tone.

 

The taller woman laughed and shook her head, before starting to walk in the direction of the library.

 

“Ok…whatever you say. Anyway, I’m pretty excited that Alex will get to see me on the actual day this year. Eliza’s flown up to spend the week with her, so they’ll both be here which will be awesome!”

 

Lena startled.

 

“What…. Your adoptive mother is going to … to be here to visit? Oh… well, I understand if you don’t want me to be there tomorrow.”

 

The blue-eyed woman looked at her bemusedly.

 

“Why wouldn’t I want you to be there?” She asked before entering the library and pulling a book down from a shelf.

 

“You’ve already met Alex. Eliza’s a piece of cake in comparison. She’s probably want to adopt _you_ by the end of it.”

 

“One adoption was more than enough for a lifetime,” Lena said with a shudder that made her blonde girlfriend grimace and gave her a sympathetic look with soft eyes.

 

“You know how they say a real family isn’t blood.”

 

Lena let out a humourless laugh.

 

“Well, my non-biological family was pretty shit too.”

 

Kara tilted her head, before stepping forwards and traced her hand over the brunette’s cheek softly. 

 

“It’s never too late to choose your own family Lena. One that treats you the way you deserve.”

 

Lena felt slightly giddy, the way she always did whenever the blonde looked at her like she hung the moon and the stars.

 

She smiled slightly and looked up into the taller woman’s eyes.

 

“Is that your way of proposing?” She teased slyly.

 

It had the desired effect. Kara’s face reddened instantly, she dropped her hand and began to stutter.

 

“Wh-what? No! I mean I-I wouldn’t be opposed… I mean look at you! No-not that I’m just interested- I mean I love you, you know I do. But… maybe like… down the road… No-not that I haven’t… cause I have! It’s just that I want to be in a good place…. and you know, we’re in here-“

 

“Kara!” Lena said, laughing and cutting the flushed woman off.  “I was just teasing! Besides, we both know that out of the two of us I would be the one proposing.”

 

The blonde’s flustered expression changed to an annoyed look.

 

“What makes you think you’d be the one proposing? That's not fair! You already proposed to someone once, I’ve never been able to!” She said with a pout.

 

The corners of Lena’s eyes crinkled and her laughter increased.

 

“Are you seriously getting jealous of me being the one to hypothetically propose, instead of the other way around?”

 

Kara’s pout increased, but the corners of her mouth twitched as she stepped further into the green-eyed woman’s space.

 

“Don’t laugh at me. Can’t you let me have this _one_ white knight moment?”

 

Lena rolled her eyes playfully.

 

“You want to ride up on your horse, whisk the damsel in distress away and into the sunset?”

 

The bipolar woman hummed and pressed the brunette backwards and into the bookcase.

 

“And then we could live happily ever after.”

 

“Sounds like a plan,” the ex CEO whispered, before the blonde’s lips crashed into her own for a passionate, but still short, kiss.

 

Lena broke it with a sigh, the sound of her heart pounding in ears. 

 

“Darling…” she hummed, opening her eyes to look deeply into Kara’s. 

 

“You are far too good at that.”

 

The blonde smiled smugly.

 

“That wasn’t a complaint….”

 

The brunette laughed again, before pushing the other woman away with a playful shove.

 

“Bragging much?”

 

Kara smirked in reply, before picking up the book she had discarded earlier. 

 

“What can I say? I've got a lot to be proud of.”

 

Lena raked her eyes across the blonde’s bent back, her muscles clearly defined.

 

“You certainly do.”

 

* * *

 

“Clark, you’ve got to help me with an idea for Kara’s birthday. And don’t tell me to make her a flower crown again.”

 

“But Kara would love-“

 

Lena groaned.

 

“Yes, ok. I’ll make her a flower crown too. But I need another idea.”

 

“Well, you’ve already organised the-“

 

“Shhh! Not so loud!” She hissed, glancing over at Kara and Jack to see if they heard. Luckily, neither of them had registered anything and were still highly engrossed in their game of Go Fish. 

 

Lena turned back to the bemused Clark with a frown.

 

“It’s supposed to be a surprise, Clark. You can’t just say it out loud when Kara can hear!”

 

The tall man sighed slightly, before giving her a kind look.

 

“Lena, don’t you think you might be stressing about this a little too much? You know Kara is going to love anything you do for her.”

 

“That just makes it all the more important that what I do for her is special... and unique!”

 

Clark sighed again before standing.

 

“Come with me for a walk. We can walk and talk… and hopefully... you’ll calm down the fuck down,” he finished with a mutter.

 

The other woman glared but still followed him out of the games room. They made their way through the corridors in silence, Lena’s fingers twitching rapidly, and it wasn’t until they reached the grounds that she could no longer contain herself.

 

“I’m being serious here Clark! I’ve asked Jack, you, Maggie, her sister, Lucy, Jonn… hell, I even managed to get my hands on Mike’s number and asked him.”

 

“How is he?” Clark asked eagerly, but with a slight frown. “He hasn’t called me in weeks…”

 

“What? Oh, he seemed fine. I mean, it’s not like we talked for a long time...”

 

Lena trailed off, and her face turned thunderous.

 

“His suggestion was an All You Can Eat voucher.”

 

The clean-shaven man laughed.

 

“Well you know, Kara would really-“

 

“Yes, yes! I know Kara would love that! But I’m trying to give her something that she can have in here. Not something she has to wait for.”

 

Clark hummed, before stopping at the edge of the lake and sifting through some rocks.

 

“And I just… it just has to be perfect!”

 

He hummed again, before picking a stone and standing up.

 

“I’ve never had anyone, _anyone_ , in my life who is amazing and caring and kind and gentle and different and understanding-“

 

Clark threw the rock, and it made four skips on the water before it sunk. 

 

Lena was growing annoyed.

 

“Are you even listening to anything I’m saying!”

 

The man didn’t even look at her, and merely skipped another rock. He stayed silent for a few seconds even after the pebble had sunk before speaking in a soft and gentle voice.

 

“Lena, you have been stressing out about this for weeks now. What’s the real problem here?”

 

Her eyes grew wide, and she ran her fingers down her sleeves.

 

“I just want it-“

 

“To be perfect. Yes. You’ve said that. Repeatedly.”

 

She sighed and rubbed her forehead.

 

“Clark… she deserves the perfect day…” She said in a small voice.

 

Lena was slightly startled when Clark put his hands on her shoulders, drawing her attention to his calm face.

 

“Lena. I need you to breathe with me.”

 

“I really don’t see the-“

 

“Lena. Shut up.”

 

The green-eyed woman was slightly mollified at the usually placid’s man forceful tone and did as she was bid. Clark started breathing deeply, indicating for Lena to follow along. Despite how ridiculous she thought it was, after the fourth breath the brunette did feel some of the tension leave her shoulders and her panic at the edges of her mind start to recede slightly. The tall man finished on the tenth breath with a smile.

 

“Better?” He asked.

 

She nodded, and let out a small smile of her own.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Clark nodded and then moved to sit down on the grass, pulling her down with him. They sat silently for a few seconds, Lena dragging her fingers through the grass while the tall man observed.

 

“Now I could be wrong, but it seems to me that you there are some underlying issues here. Things that aren’t necessarily to do with Kara, that’s making you freak out so much. So tell me, and take your time, why are you so nervous about tomorrow. Because I know that you know, no matter what you do, even if it’s small, Kara will love it. This is already going to be the best birthday she’s had in here because she’s got you with her now. And as for getting her something that she doesn’t have to wait for… well, you gave her your heart. I know for her, nothing else will ever top that.”

 

Lena let out a small laugh.

 

“How is it you do feelings so well? I swear you’re secretly a Guru hired by the hospital.”

 

He smiled.

 

“I wish. Far more money in it then painting probably.”

 

She tilted her head.

 

“You don’t strike me as the type of man who cares about money.”

 

He looked at her piercingly.

 

“And you _do_ strike me as the type who doesn’t believe someone when they tell you that Kara won’t secretly hate you if you don’t make her birthday into a bonanza.”

 

Her mouth opened but no words came out. 

 

Instead, she started to cry.

 

Clark didn’t seem surprised and wrapped her in a secure one-armed hug. She only resisted slightly before melting into it and crying softly into his shoulder. A few minutes passed before her tears turned into soft sniffles and she pulled away.

 

“Feel better?” He asked gently while she wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve. 

 

“I do actually,” she said with a weak chuckle. 

 

“I’m sorry I soaked your shirt.”

 

“Don’t worry about it. If I got angry every time someone cried on my shoulder I wouldn’t be able to leave my room.”

 

Lena raised her eyebrows and grinned.

 

“Should I be worried that so many people cry around you?”

 

He laughed.

 

“Maybe. But don’t feel special. Kara made up half those numbers my first year here.”

 

“Really?” She asked.

 

Clark nodded.

 

“Really. You know… she has changed so much since the first time I met her. She’s allowed herself to be vulnerable in here. And she wants to help people. I mean she really wants to help people now. She’s started to recognise her calling, and remember who she is.”

 

Lena smiled.

 

“Supergirl.”

 

Clark grinned before his brow creased in thought.

 

“You know people always think that being a hero is just about putting out fires, catching bad guys and making sure buildings don’t blow up.”

 

He paused and looked out over the lake.

 

“But it’s so much more than that. A hero, a real hero, saves people in so many ways. Not just about stopping them from dying.”

 

He turned to look at her.

 

“But helping them with living.”

 

Lena’s breath caught in her throat.

 

“Well…” she breathed. “Kara’s definitely done that.”

 

He gave her a funny look.

 

“I wasn’t just talking about Kara. Lena, I was talking about you.”

 

“Me?” She squeaked, before shaking her head. “I’m not a-“

 

“But you are!” The clean-shaven man said, placing a hand over hers and letting out an exasperated huff. 

 

“You’re a hero! I can see it in your heart and in your actions. How you’ve helped her.”

 

Lena sighed before a fond smile crossed her face.

 

“We’ve helped each other. I love her.”

 

Clark nodded.

 

“And she knows that Lena. She knows you love her. Do you doubt that she loves you?”

 

Lena paused slightly.

 

“No.”

 

Clark didn’t comment on the hesitation, but simply laced his finger in hers and gave them a tight squeeze.

 

“It was hard for me too. I’d been alone for so long, and on the streets. It was hard and difficult. There were so many people who didn’t understand me. And wanted to use me. The worst part was… I didn’t realise what they were doing. I gave my heart to everyone and time after time it was crushed. When I met Lois… the first time I saw her it was like the sun had finally come out on a cloudy day. But even as we became close, and I fell in love with her, I just couldn’t believe that she loved me as intensely as I loved her.”

 

“It took me a long time… even after we were married for me to trust in her love for me. To trust in her completely. And I’m not going to tell you that you should just believe in it. I know it doesn’t work that way. You’ve been hurt and battered and bruised so much, no matter how amazingly opposite Kara is to all the people who did that to you… She’ll never be able to take away what they did to you.”

 

He turned from looking out over the lake to stare at her steadily.

 

“But one day, whenever that is, you’ll realise that her loving you unconditionally isn’t a miracle. It’s just the way you’ve always deserved to be treated. The miracle... is that she was the one who helped you see that.”

 

Lena started crying again.

 

“Ughh, Clark! Stop making me cry!” She sniffled.

 

He laughed again.

 

“Heavy conversations are always more helpful if a few tears are shed. I can cry too if you like?”

 

It was her turn to laugh.

 

“Why would you cry?”

 

He fixed her with another soft look, and his eyes did start to get a watery sheen.

 

“Because my dear friend was lucky enough to find someone worthy of her love.”

 

Then they burst into tears together.

 

A few more minutes passed, before Clark cleared his throat and sniffed waterly.

 

"Now... about the gift. I think I've had an idea. But I still think you should do the flower crown."

 

Lena groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it was shorter, but I hoped you enjoyed :)


	16. You're Just As Sane As I Am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a day late! Super proud of myself for that. Just a heads up folks, chapters this month may be sporadic. I'm really booked out for time, but I shall endeavour to keep to the schedule. Anyway, hope you enjoy :)
> 
> And as ever, leave any thoughts in the comments below :) 
> 
> Love to read them!

Kara was enjoying a particularly pleasant dream that involved a combination of potstickers, ice cream and for some reason, wedding dress shopping, that was broken by an incessant ringing noise.

 

She fumbled blindly for the phone in the dark, before answering in a gruff voice.

 

“‘ello?”

 

**_“HAPPY BIRTHDAY DORK!!!!!”_ **

 

_  
_ Kara yanked the receiver away from her ear fast, the volume that Lucy had screamed leaving a ringing sound in its wake.

 

“Jesus Christ, Lucy!” She harshly whispered once the sound dissipated. “You’re going to wake up the whole ward.”

 

_“Oh shut up. I don’t care, it’s your birthday!”_

 

Kara squinted to read the time wall clock in the dark.

 

“Lucy, did you really have to call me at midnight? This call could have waited until the morning when I was actually awake and far less grumpy.”  


 

_“Quit with the complaining. It’s tradition for us to call each other at midnight on our birthdays!”_

 

“Oh? I wasn’t aware this was a tradition,” Kara replied in bemusement.

 

_“That’s because this is the first time dummy. But something can’t be a tradition unless it had a first time. Got to start things off somewhere!”_

 

Kara rolled her eyes but sat up in bed in preparation for the conversation ahead.

 

"Is that what you told yourself when you slept with.. what did you say his name was? Robbie Hislop when you were fifteen?" She asked cheekily.

 

Lucy ploughed on, ignoring the comment.

 

_“Besides, I needed to call you at a time when I could get your full attention! Lena has probably organised to monopolise your time for the rest of the day.”_

 

The blonde sighed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

 

“I actually can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kinda wish I didn’t tell her about my birthday.”

 

There was a stunned silence on the other end of the line.

 

_“Who are you, and what have you done with Kara Danvers?”_ Lucy questioned seriously.

 

The bipolar woman groaned.

 

“I’m serious Lucy! You know how much I love birthdays, particularly mine… but honestly, Lena seems to be getting really stressed about it. Ever since I told her it was coming up, she’s been looking at me like a deer in headlights. Whenever I see her talking to someone else, they look ready to flee and she gets startled out of her skin the second I approach! I’m pretty sure she’s been running around harassing everyone about what to do for it. I tried to tell her I didn’t want a fuss, and she gave me the weirdest ramble of ‘how she wasn’t even thinking about it’ and ‘that she would have everything ready’. I think she’s simultaneously trying to make it a surprise, and reassure me that she’ll definitely be doing something. I mean, I know she has a thing about her own birthday…. but she’s getting so stressed, I really wish I hadn’t said anything!”

 

Lucy let out a long-suffering sigh.

 

_“Yeah… she called me too, to ask what she should get for you. I tried to convince her to buy you a yacht, I mean I could totally look after it for the duration of your stay! She was nearly convinced too, but then she remembered that you said you got seasick once and decided it was a terrible idea. I was devastated.”_

 

Kara let out a laugh.

 

“Hey! I was my hypothetical yacht, not yours! Besides, I wouldn’t let you look after it. You’d just use it for mind-numbing orgies.”  


 

_“Excuse me,”_ Lucy replied huffily. _“I’m all about committed relationships these days. Any orgie I enter would be a long-term thing, and should be respected as such.”_

 

“Still wouldn’t want you besmirching my yacht.”

 

_“Oh? Afraid Jonn might tell you off like he did with the mop closet?”_

 

The blonde woman was happy her best friend wasn’t able to see her blush scarlet.

 

“It was a warning, Lucy!” She spluttered while the other woman’s laugh echoed down the line.

 

“I’m pretty sure the reason he said it was because of you! You left quite the reputation.”

 

_“Well, being famous for something is better than not being famous at all. Besides, everyone knows that was all talk. You, my friend, are living far more romantically dangerous in there than I ever was.”_

 

“If you mean trying to figure out how to calm down my stressed out girlfriend ‘living dangerously’, then I would have to agree with you,” the bipolar woman responded wryly.

 

Lucy let out a sound of exasperation.

 

_“Don’t get all melodramatic. She may be overdoing it a bit, but just let her do her thing. Even if it is a bit crazy. She clearly loves you enough to want things to be perfect today. Allow yourself to be spoiled.”_

 

“But being with her already makes it the best birthday I’ve ever had! I don’t need anything else.”

 

_“Oh my God, you are so far gone… Well, there goes my plans of club trawling for one night stands when you get out.”_

 

“Lucy…” Kara said warningly.

 

_“Fine, fine. But my point still stands. You said she wasn’t comfortable with her birthday right? Well, maybe this will be a good experience for her to see how much you enjoy yours.”  
_

 

Kara paused in thought.

 

“I never thought of it that way. Thanks, Lucy.”  


 

_“That’s what I’m here for! Bestie extraordinaire offering killer advice. Honestly, though, I reckon I should get into therapy myself…. fair bit of money in it if the fees I had to pay for my stay are anything to go by.”_

 

Kara let out an empathetic groan.

 

“I feel for you. I’m just glad my fees were covered because of the court order.”

 

There was a second of silence on the other end of the line.

 

_“Kara… Krypton is a private healthcare facility. That’s why the patient size in our ward is so low, and the care is top notch. If the government was paying for your hospital stay, you’d be at a state-run hospital. You might be court ordered, but someone is covering your fees.”_

 

The blonde frowned.

 

“That can’t be right. Alex told me that it was covered by the government. And it was in the plea deal when I signed it!”

 

_“Trust me K. I’m a defence attorney, and I can assure you that wouldn’t happen. Somethings up there if that was in the plea deal. Tell you what, how about I do some digging for you? Part of your birthday gift.”_

 

Kara smiled, and her confusion was shunted aside.

 

“Part of my gift, huh? What’s the other part?” She asked eagerly.

 

Lucy let out a laugh.

 

_“And you said you didn’t want your birthday acknowledged.”_

 

* * *

 

After Kara hung up the phone, and Lucy had teased her that she wasn’t getting her unknown present until she finished her stay at Krypton, the blonde rolled easily back into sleep. The bipolar woman woke at her usual time and was surprised to find a slip of paper pushed under her door. She bent to pick it up and read it, her curious face replaced with a goofy grin.

 

_Dear Kara,_

 

_I’m more used to writing business agenda’s and memos to love notes, but I shall do my best._

 

_I’ve been thinking for the last few weeks, more like obsessing, about what exactly I should do for your birthday. I don’t know if you noticed, but this is rather new for me. Birthdays and holidays, the days one usually spends with their loved ones, have never been particularly happy for me._

 

_Many days have never been happy for me._

 

_I would never have thought signing myself into Krypton, that the worst year of my life, would turn into the best of my life. And all because I met you._

 

_You._

 

_You beautiful, kind, funny, artistic, empathetic human being._

 

_I guess, one of the reasons I was so worried about making today perfect for you, was because I know nothing that I do will ever measure the gift you gave me by being in my life._

 

_You have forever changed me. Having you in my life makes each day a little brighter._

 

_I used to dread mornings, but now I can't wait to wake up because I know I’ll get to see you._

 

_Your smile and your laugh._

 

_You helped bring back friendship to my life._

 

_You helped bring back fun to my life._

 

_You helped bring back hope to my life._

 

_And most importantly, you brought back love to my life._

 

_Not just through loving me, but in helping me realise that I need to love myself. Every day since I’ve been here has been a gift. You always say that me seeking help was a brave thing._

 

_Well if that’s true, you were the reward._

 

_Happy Birthday, My Darling._

 

_I love you with every bit of my heart, and I hope you have a wonderful day._

 

_Lena_

 

 

Kara had basically started to vibrate when she reached the end of the letter. The blonde had to resist the urge to fling upon her door, run down the corridor in her pyjamas, find Lena and sweep her into a hug. She restrained herself, and instead stowed her letter in her journal carefully.

 

Still, she may have rushed to get ready.

 

Kara opened the door to find a series of paper cut out arrows laid on the floor, leading in the direction of the library. Intrigued, the bipolar woman skipped her way towards it and turned the corner to spot Lena’s dark head of hair seated on the couch.

 

Her girlfriend turned when she saw her, and Kara couldn’t help but let a massive smile grace her face. The taller woman ran over to the brunette and swept her into a bone-crushing hug.

 

“Haaaa….peeeeee…….burrrr…..day…….” Lena wheezed out before Kara finally let her drop. The ex CEO took a few deep breaths before she gave the blonde an amused grin. 

 

“You were telling the truth then. You really do get excited about your birthday.”

 

The blonde continued to grin giddily.

 

“Not just my birthday Lena! All birthdays! And I know you haven’t been able to experience the same levels of awesomeness that I have over the years on your own, so how about we make this day yours as-“

 

Lena shushed her.

 

“No. As much as I appreciate the gesture, this day is yours and yours alone. Don’t try to white knight on your own birthday, and for once let me do this for you.”

 

Kara rolled her eyes but answered with an excited grin.

 

“Ok. But only because I love you.”

 

“Good,” Lena said smartly, before reaching behind her.

 

“Well, here you go. Gift number one.”

 

Kara raised an eyebrow.

 

“There’s more than one? And wasn’t your letter the first gift?”

 

Lena rolled her eyes and waved her hand.

 

“Yes, there’s more than one and fine, this can be the second gift.”

 

The brunette picked it up and held it out for the blonde.

 

Kara’s grin widened, and she took the present as carefully as she could considering she was bouncing on the balls of her feet.

 

“Oh my GOD! A flower crown? This is so epic! I love flower crowns!”

 

Lena smiled at the blonde’s childlike joy, and gently pried the crown loose form Kara’s fingers so she could fasten it onto her head.

 

“Ok, so I won’t lie. Clark was the one to suggest this and he helped me build it. He also told me the history of flower crowns and their origins… Though why that man knows all about the history of flower crowns is baffling to me…” she finished with a grumble, before finishing trying the bow pulling back and pulled out a sheet of paper she had in her pocket.

 

“So,” she began, before clearing her throat and reading off the list.

 

“Flower crowns have roots in Ancient Greece and Roman times and were often bestowed to honour the wearers for feats of bravery and athleticism. And while both of those apply to you I’m sure… in this case were are following the tradition of wearing a crown to celebrate festivities.”

 

She put away the paper and smiled.

 

“In this case, my beautiful girlfriend’s birthday. Of which she is the sole star.”

 

Kara smiled and pulled the brunette into a tight hug before planting a kiss on her girlfriend’s cheek.

 

“Thank you so much. I know this is going to be the best birthday ever!”

 

Lena started to walk with her towards the mess room, and the blonde almost missed the mutter that came out of the brunette’s mouth.

 

“God I hope so…”

 

The blonde pulled her girlfriend short with a frown.

 

“Hey! My birthday, my rules. And I say no buzz-killing, naysaying or feeling like you haven’t done enough today, ok? Having you with me already makes this the best birthday ever! Anything else is just frosting on top.”

 

Kara could see her serious words had the right effect when Lena’s body physically relaxed and she let out a breath and smiled.

 

“Ok birthday girl. Your rules.”

 

The blonde nodded imperiously, before smiling giddily once more.

 

“Come on! Breakfast time!”

 

She pulled Lena through the doors of the dining room, only to be met by a mouth-watering sight. 

 

Pancakes, bacon and eggs. toast, waffles and pretty much all of the blonde’s favourite breakfast foods were stacked, almost overflowing, on the table.

 

Kara had to hold back a gasp of joy. While she’d had birthdays in the hospital before, and the staff always made something special for the meals that day, she’d never seen in done to this proportion. 

 

A chorus of happy birthdays rang out from the small group of people in the room, that consisted of Jack, Clark, Jonn, Winn, Maggie and a grumpy looking Sam.

 

Clark stepped forward first, and with a wide grin as he took in the sight of the flower crown. He frowned after a few seconds though and turned to face Lena with an aghast expression on his face. 

 

“You fastened it wrong, Lena!”

 

The brunette let out a long-suffering sigh, before giving Kara a wink.

 

Clark mumbled briefly, before smiling again and pulling the taller woman in for a warm hug.

 

“Happy Birthday, Supergirl.”

 

Kara gave the clean-shaven man a fond look.

 

“Thanks, Superman.”

 

His boy next door smile widened even further, and he ducked to the side of the room to pick up a newspaper wrapped canvas and handed it to her. The blonde woman tore the wrapping enthusiastically, nearly hearing her girlfriend’s wince, and let out a gasp as she revealed the painting.

 

It was a portrait of her, in what she presumed was her superhero persona. She was flying through the air, red cape fluttering and her fists extended. Her face looked determined and brave.

 

Her costume was beautifully painted. The blonde’s eyes raked over the detailed blue and red, lingering on the large ’S’ in the centre of her chest.

 

“Is that my symbol?” She asked the tall man.

 

Clark shook his head in bemusement.

 

“No, silly. It’s our family’s crest. The House of El. On Krypton, it means ‘El Marayah’. In English, that means, 'Stronger Together.”

 

Kara’s fingers hovered over the painted symbol, her eyes once again taking in the determined look on her painted face.

 

“I love it Clark, thank you,” she said with a slight sniffle, as she wrapped her friend in another hug.

 

He stepped back with a smile.

 

Sam suddenly let out a loud groan.

 

“Look, if there’s one good thing about today it’s the spread. So can the rest of us please get started on eating? Or do we have to wait for every single person to offer their personal congratulations?”

 

Kara was so happy, she couldn’t help but smile at the grumpy woman.

 

“Of course! Never let it be said that I got in the way on anyone and food!”

 

Sam looked slightly mollified but nonetheless began to eat along with everyone else. The other people in the room rotated towards Kara throughout the meal and offered their congratulations. Jack gifted her a crude, but still pretty, braided bracket he had made himself. He gave it to her with a sheepish smile, but blushed a bright red at Kara’s enthusiastic joy and kiss on his bearded cheek. While it was a bit iffy whether the staff should be allowed to give gifts to a patient, not even Sam complained when Maggie gifted the blonde a beautiful leather-bound journal with her initials imprinted on the front. Jonn also got her a gift, one he said was a package deal with the psychologist’s, a fountain pen also engraved with her name. That gave it to her on the condition that she use it to keep writing, and using them to work her way back to who she wanted to be once she left. 

 

Kara was slightly dumbfounded by the level of thought and effort done by everyone and turned to face her girlfriend with a confused look.

 

“I get that you probably harassed everyone within an inch of their life to organise this. But it’s still a crazy amount of effort this year. I mean, I’ve had birthdays here before and they’ve never been this… grand.”

 

Lena shrugged while grinning.

 

“I’ll admit I was…. focused when it came to your birthday.”

 

Maggies snorted.

 

“But I actually didn’t organise breakfast.”

 

“Nope!” Winn said happily, bits of toast flying from his mouth. “This was from the rest of us staff. Wanted to do something nice this time round.”

 

Kara frowned but was distracted from answering further by the stack of chocolate chip pancakes Lena slid in front of her.

 

As it was, she missed the sharp elbow Jonn gave the curly haired nurse.

 

The breakfast was so fun, Kara would’ve been convinced it wasn’t held in a ward if it wasn’t for Winn doing his mandatory medication check.

 

Still, nothing could dim the surprise the blonde got when after Sam had her fill of food, the antagonistic brunette came and wished her a happy birthday.

 

Well, if saying ‘thanks for the breakfast’, meant happy birthday anyway.

 

The rest of the morning was filled with another phone call from Lucy, to get the ‘birthday present scoop’. The blonde was hung up upon when revealed that she hadn’t run to jump Lena’s bones the second she had gotten off the phone with Lucy earlier. Another phone call came through from Mike of all people. He sounded happy enough, but the blonde got the feeling that he was being a bit circumspect about how his life was going. Regardless, he promised her a meal at one of National City’s finest buffets. 

 

After that, Lena made an attempt to explain to Kara on a chemistry and biological level why they were so compatible. The blonde assumed her girlfriend had done it to be romantic, but inevitably the discussion of neurons and endorphins went over her head and she was distracted by the movements of the green-eyed woman’s mouth.

 

She kicked her bedroom door closed, and after a steamy fifteen minute make out session, both frazzled women were late for Alex and Eliza’s visit. 

 

Lena didn’t seem as nervous about being introduced to Kara’s adoptive mother as she was with her sister but nonetheless rubbed her hands along her arms constantly. A move that, along with the twitching of her fingers and playing with the edge of her cuffs, Kara recognised was her girlfriend’s signs of nervousness.

 

She gave Lena’s hand a quick squeeze and a smile before they went in the visiting room.

 

“Don’t worry, Lena. Eliza’s gonna love you.”

 

And she did. The warm woman, wrapped her girlfriend in a friendly hug and Kara could see that the older blonde’s soothing voice instantly made the brunette relax into her chair. After the customary ‘how’s your birthday been?’ questions were asked, Eliza mostly focused on talking to Lena about the medical aspects of technology she wanted to pioneer.

 

Something the younger blonde pretended to be annoyed about but was secretly ecstatic that her kindly adoptive mother was making such an effort to make Lena comfortable.

 

“Hey! I’m the birthday girl remember? You know, your daughter?”

 

Eliza gave her a good-natured smile.

 

“Yes dear, but quite frankly I’ve had to deal with your sister for three days already and I’d like to talk to a calming soul first before I jump into the next over energised child I helped to raise.”

 

Kara’s indignation was worth it when she saw the overjoyed smile Lena directed at the older blonde.

 

She engaged in conversation with Alex instead, briefly bringing up the talk she’d had with Lucy this morning about the hospital fees.

 

“Well I thought it was a bit weird at the time, but it was definitely in the plea deal that your fees would be covered by the government.”

 

Kara didn’t let the mystery niggle at her too long though, her attention more focused on what Alex and Eliza had gotten her for her birthday.

 

She let out a groan when she was informed, that she was going to get her presents (which were going to be surprises) when she was released from the hospital. 

 

“Why is this happening to me?” She moaned with a pout.

 

Alex merely laughed and patted her on the shoulder.

 

“Think of it as motivation, Kara. And if that doesn’t work, just try to imagine how big the presents must be because we can’t give them to you in here.”

 

That thought did perk the blonde up.

 

All in all, the visitation went well. Lena walked away with a tight hug from Eliza, and the doctor’s phone number clenched in her hand, as well as a promise to call if the brunette ever needed anything. 

 

Lunch followed, another bonanza of food that made Kara drool and even made Sam smile. Then after, Lena led the group to a never used room. In it, she revealed a screen and projector she had evidently rushed to repair last night.

 

“I spotted it a while ago in the library, under a box under a box you know? But I didn’t think much of it until… well, yesterday afternoon. So I took it apart and managed to make it work AND….” she paused dramatically for effect and with a grin.

 

Sam rolled her eyes.

 

“Come on princess, clearly it’s a movie. Just tell us which one already.”

 

Lena shot her an annoyed look, but grinned at Kara and revealed the disk behind her back.

 

The blonde let out a shriek of excitement, that made Jack who was standing next to her wince and grabbed the DVD case from Lena’s hands.

 

“Shrek! Oh my god, I can’t believe you did this!” 

 

The brunette’s smile widened, and she rubbed her hands together.

 

“Well, it was a rush job but Maggie had a copy of the DVD at home and let me borrow it. I thought the rest of you would also appreciate the projector though… a chance to watch a few films.”

 

Sam, shockingly, gave her a smile and sat down in one of the setup chairs.

 

“As much as I disdain animation AND you Luthor… I am definitely going to appreciate this.”

 

Lena raised an eyebrow but was distracted by another tight hug by Kara.

 

“I knew this was going to be the best birthday ever! You wait, Lena, you are in for a treat. I know every single line off by heart!” She said, beaming.

 

Sam groaned and slumped in her chair.

 

“Scratch what I said.”

 

* * *

 

 

After the movie, were Kara made good on her promise and narrated every single line with the accents, she was instructed to head back to her room and relax with a book for the rest of the afternoon until seven o’clock. Under no circumstances, was she to leave her room.

 

“But Lena…” she whined as her girlfriend all but pushed her through her bedroom door. 

 

“You know I’m just going to go mad in here!”

 

Lena grinned at her wryly before stealing a quick kiss.

 

“The way you tell it, it’s too late already.”

 

So she huffed, but did as bid, managing to relax slightly between checking the clock every five minutes. The blonde was dressed and ready at seven, eagerly ready for whatever else Lena had organised for her already amazing day.

 

There was a sharp knock on the door, and Kara all but yanked it open to reveal a breathtakingly beautifully made up Lena clutching a bouquet of plumerias in her hand. 

 

The bipolar woman was speechless, and could only stare. The brunette looked a bit anxious and began to ramble.

 

“I know you’ve never seen me in makeup. I didn’t really feel a need for it in here, but I do like to wear it usually. I managed to convince Vasquez to loan me some… I just thought it would be-“

 

Kara cut her off by yanking Lena towards her by her waist.

 

“You’re always beautiful, but tonight it looks like I’m seeing you in your element… even if you are wearing sweatpants. I just…. I’m so lucky.”

 

Lena smiled and pulled the blonde in by her neck for a passionate kiss. 

 

Kara was so invested in it, that she was considering telling Lena to cancel whatever she had planned and just continue doing what they were doing, but the brunette pulled away and left the taller woman whining.

 

“Come on Lena…. if we’re going to blow the whole ‘lets try to be subtle’ thing, let's do it spectacularly. Nothing half-assed now.”

 

Lena smiled again, but still pulled back.

 

“No way, Romeo. I’ve got a plan.”

 

Kara groaned, but agreed and plucked the flowers from the shorter woman’s hand.

 

“Plumeria’s…” she said with a sigh and a smile.

 

“The flowers I was going to get you on our first date.”

 

The ex CEO smiled.

 

“Well, who says you still can’t. It could be out thing.”

 

The blonde put the flowers down in her room, then began to bounce excitedly

 

“I could fill your office with them!”

 

Lena laughed and began to pull the blue-eyed woman along the corridor with a tug.

 

“If anyone’s filling anyone’s office with flowers here, it’ll be me.”

 

The taller woman’s protest was cut off as she let out a gasp.

 

The whole corridor was decorated with paper chains, cut in various sizes and shapes.

 

“Oh my God. It’s so pretty!” Kara said excitedly, before turning and giving the ex CEO a loved filled smile.

 

“You are the most amazing girlfriend a girl could ask for.”

 

Lena blushed and rubbed the back of her neck.

 

“Well… I only supervised the hanging. It was Clark who cut all the patterns.”

 

Kara pressed on though and tucked a loose strand of Lena’s hair back being her ear, tracing her finger along the brunette’s jawline slowly. A move that made the shorter woman shudder briefly.

 

“All the same,” the blonde whispered lowly.“I’m sure it was your idea.”

 

The brunette’s eyes darkened and the taller woman’s tone, but pulled back quickly. 

 

“Only you make me want to devour you with compliments on paper chains.”

 

As Kara raised an eyebrow, Lena shook her head.

 

“Nope. No distractions yet. I have a plan.”

 

The blue-eyed woman conceded and allowed herself to be led down the hall. She became confused when the shorter woman led her past the dining hall.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

Lena smiled knowingly.

 

“You’ll see.”

 

The brunette kept walking, eventually leading the blonde out of the doors to the hospital and onto the grounds. Right down to the lake, where Kara gasped as she took in the sight of a picnic.

 

Suddenly, she let out a loud groan that made Lena look at her with worry.

 

“What? Did I do something wrong?”

 

The blonde gave her nervous girlfriend and annoyed look.

 

“No…. I just realised that in one day you’ve managed to completely out-woo me. It’s very disappointing. Clearly, I have to up my game.”

 

Lena let out a laugh, before pulling the taller woman down on the grass next to her.

 

“If it’s any consolation, I learned all my wooing skills form you. Actually, everything I did today happened because I just kept asking myself the question ‘what would Kara do?”

 

The blonde beamed as she opened the basket to find a chicken sandwich.

 

“So basically I was the guru behind this epic birthday? God, I’m good.”

 

She scowled as Lena yanked the sandwich from her hands and took a bite.

 

“No, you mentored me but this was all my doing darling. Credit where credit is due.”

 

Kara nodded, before asking the ex CEO a question.

 

“How did you get this picnic past Jonn? I don’t think that would’ve gone down so well on his ‘be subtle still’ mandate.”

 

Lena shrugged and shot her a wink.

 

“What can I say? He likes me.”

 

They ate their food in silence while watching the sunset. It was only after the light had disappeared that Lena broke the comfortable silence.

 

“So… I struggled with this next present a fair bit… But I hope you like it.”

 

Kara smiled and traced her hand over the other woman’s knee.

 

“Everything you’ve done for me today has been amazing Lena. I’m sure this will be too.”

 

The brunette held her hand gently and took a breath.

 

“Well, I was thinking a lot about what you would like… what I could do for you. And I realised that I wanted to do something personal… and artistic. But I’m not really an artist, and I didn’t just want to give you a painting by Clark. So then I thought about writing you poetry… but I realised that I would be rubbish at it.”

 

Kara squeezed her hand. 

 

“No you wouldn’t. Poetry is subjective anyway.”

 

Lena laughed.

 

“You’re sweet, but I know my limitations…. Anyway, so then I thought that I still wanted to do something poetic… So here I go…”

 

She took another deep breath, before starting to speak melodically.

 

“I see the dark, I see the light. In her eyes, I see it all….”

 

Kara’s jaw dropped, and her eyes filled with tears while the brunette continued.

 

“Lena?” She asked with a choked voice once the green-eyed woman finished the poem.

 

“Did… did you memorise my poem?”

 

The ex CEO nodded with a sheepish grin.

 

“Actually… I memorised all of them. At least, all the ones you gave me. I did it last night too, I didn’t really sleep much. I realise it might be a little weird, and I know reciting your own work back to you might-“

 

Kara cut her off, by gently cupping the side of her face and staring intently into her eyes.

 

“You. Are. The. Most. Amazing. Person.”

 

She pulled her down and into a passionate kiss, that left the brunette gasping for air.

 

“…So you like it huh?”

 

Kara smiled and lay down on the grass with her eyes closed.

 

“So much.”

 

There was a pause before Lena started speaking again, her voice cascading over the blonde as she recited every single poem that the blond had ever written her. Kara didn’t know how to express the joy she felt at hearing her own work fall from Lena’s mouth. Even if said work was mostly about Lena herself.

 

It was only when the last poem was finished, that the blonde woman opened her eyes.

 

Kara sat up and stared at her girlfriend with a soft look, before placing a gentle kiss on her head.

 

“This day has been perfect… thank you.”

 

Lena turned her head to catch the blonde’s lips in a gentle kiss.

 

After it broke, she paused for a few seconds before starting to speak with a nervous tone.

 

“I have one more gift for you… but it’s not really a gift per se…”

 

The bipolar woman smiled, before lacing her arms around the brunette’s waist.

 

“You’ve done so much for me today, you don’t have to do anything else. But if the ‘not really a gift’, was, in fact, a yacht, Lucy is going to let you move in with her after you leave.”

 

The brunette’s nervous expression melted into a soft smile, and she ran her eyes of Kara’s face and began to play with the hairs at the nape of the blonde’s neck, something that made the bipolar woman shiver.

 

“Not a yacht, no. More of a…. sharing.”

 

Kara’s eyebrow quirked.

 

“A sharing?”

 

Lena nodded, her eyes closing briefly as if she was struggling with something internally before opening them and releasing a soft breath.

 

“I want to tell you when my birthday is. My real birthday.”

 

Kara paused, before speaking gently.

 

“Lena… you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I don’t know why you haven’t so far, but I really don’t want you to feel-“

 

The shorter woman shushed her.

 

“Shh… I know I don’t have to, but I want to. I want to tell you this part of myself… this thing about myself. The thing is, my real birthday has never been celebrated. I don’t think anyone actually knows, apart from Lillian and she ignored it anyway. It’s always been something that was… I don’t know how to completely explain it… My real birthday… the memories I have of it were with my biological mother. I remember… the colour red, a bus trip and her smile. And this unknown feeling I never felt since.”

 

Lena smiled herself at the memory and seemed to drift into thought.

 

“For so long… that was my memory and only mine. Nobody could take that away from me, and nobody would ever know. Do you understand what it’s like, to have something in the middle of your heart that is yours and yours alone? A thing you’ve built yourself on?”

 

Kara leant her head against her girlfriend’s gently.

 

“I completely understand,” she said softly before leaning back and looking into the brunette’s green eyes.

 

“But why did you tell me? It would’ve been ok if-“

 

The ex CEO placed a gentle finger over the taller woman’s lips.

 

“I know, but I wanted to. Because I only realise now that that feeling I had with my mother on that day, that feeling was true love.”

 

Lena stared hard into the blonde’s eyes.

 

“And for the first time since I feel that with you.”

 

Kara pulled Lena into a tight hug and stroked her hair.

 

“I love you so much.”

 

The brunette held her back just as tight, before releasing her with a tight expression that made the blue-eyed woman’s forehead wrinkle.

 

“What is it?”

 

Lena frowned and rubbed her hands on the twin scars underneath her shirt self-consciously.

 

“That’s not…. the only reason that I haven’t told you my birthday.”

 

She looked up and seemed to brace herself.

 

“My real birthday is also the day I tried to kill myself.”

 

Kara’s mind went blank briefly, before kicking into overdrive. She pulled her girlfriend into another hug that knocked the wind slightly out of the brunette. The bipolar woman held her close, the racing thoughts and emotions colliding in her head.

 

Anger, deep deep anger that anyone could have treated and hurt Lena the way she had been hurt. Pain, that her girlfriend had ever felt so alone and sad, that she would ruin the one day that was hers and hers alone because she just couldn’t take it anymore. Sadness, for Lena again. That nobody in her life seemed to have cared enough to hold onto her and fight for her. 

 

But more than anything, and overwhelming about of love and relief.

 

That Lena was alive. That she was healing and getting better. That _she_ had been given the honour of knowing her at all, let alone be her girlfriend. 

 

And incredibly honoured, and humbled, by the fact that the brunette had deemed her worthy to tell her all the incredibly personal things, associated with her birthday.

 

“I’m sorry,” The blonde muttered into the green-eyed woman’s shoulder.

 

“What could you have to be sorry for?” Lena whispered back confused.

 

Kara pulled back from the hug and held her girlfriend’s chin steady while looking her deep in the eyes.

 

“Because if I had the chance to make everything terrible that you had experienced in your life go away. Your depression, your family, your suicide attempt… I don’t know if I could do it. Because it would mean I would never have gotten to meet you. And now that I know, a love like this is possible… how could I be selfless enough to give it away?” She said, her eyes tearing as she let go of her grip.

 

Lena caught her fingers and looked at her softly.

 

“Hey, hey… don’t cry my darling…. It’s your birthday. Besides, as much as I wish I didn’t have depression, and that I hadn’t tried to kill myself. I wouldn’t change it. Because for the first time in my life, since I came here, I actually like who I am. Flaws and baggage included. If I took away all that brought me on this journey, even the horrible things, I wouldn’t be me anymore. And I like who I am.”

 

The ex CEO tilted her head and gave the blonde a small smile.

 

“And honestly? I don’t think I could make that wish either. I’m far too selfish to let go of you.”

 

Kara’s body relaxed, and she smiled in return before gently tracing Lena’s jaw with her finger. A small crease appeared between her eyes, as she drifted into thought.

 

“I just want you to know… how honoured I am that you told me. And how… in awe I am of you. And how proud I am of the person you’ve become since you’ve been here. For learning to love yourself again. You telling me, has also made me realise something that I want to share with you too. Something I’ve never told anyone either.”

 

Lena frowned slightly.

 

“Kara, just because I told you about my birthday doesn’t mean-“

 

It was the blonde’s turn to place a finger over Lena’s lips.

 

“I know gorgeous… I want to.”

 

The taller woman took a deep breath and delved into the deepest and most painful part of her heart.

 

“I want to talk to you about my parents. My biological parents. About who they were, and what they were like and….”

 

She took another shuddering breath, closing her eyes.

 

“And about the night they died.”

 

There was a long pause of silence, and Kara opened her eyes to see Lena’s looking up at her with an understanding look and an open expression. She reached slowly and intertwined her hand with the blonde's.

 

“…that’s what your dream was about, wasn’t it?”

 

The blue-eyed woman nodded, too choked up to reply. 

 

A single tear fell down her face. She went to open her mouth to speak but the brunette stopped her.

 

“Kara…. I love you. So believe me when I tell you, you don’t have to talk about it with me right now. It’s ok to take it slow,” she said with a gentle look.

 

The blonde felt a sob escape her, and the shorter woman moved to comfort her.

 

“Oh, my darling… don’t cry… don’t cry…” she whispered.

 

Lena pulled her close and stroked her hair as Kara cried into her shoulder.

 

“I’m here for you, no matter what. You know that, right?”

 

The blonde nodded against her, and her cries began to die.

 

A few more minutes passed before the bipolar woman pulled away and looked down at her girlfriend with red-rimmed eyes.

 

“…I don’t think I’m completely ready to… to…”

 

Lena caught her hand and gave her another understanding smile.

 

“And that’s ok darling.”

 

Kara released a breath, before smiling back watery.

 

“For what it’s worth though… my parents would have loved you.”

 

Lena’s eyes widened in surprise.

 

“Really?”

 

The blonde nodded.

 

“Oh yeah. My mom would have thought you were very impressive. All your million billion degrees AND you run a fortune 500 company? Plus, you love me which is an automatic tick in your favour.”

 

Lena laughed.

 

“Technically, I _ran_ a fortune 500 company.”

 

Kara waved her away.

 

“Semantics. Besides, Mom would have seen how absolutely badass you are and she would have like it. And Dad would have had so much fun geeking out with you over science stuff. He would’ve been completely embarrassing and told you every single dad joke he could think of. He would have made you come with us stargazing. And not once would he have grilled you about your intentions, cause he would’ve known the second he met you how completely incredible you are.”

 

Kara could see that her words had affected Lena. The shorter woman’s eyes had filled with tears now, which she hastily went to wipe away.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. A bit ridiculous that I’m getting so choked up about your parent's approval when they aren’t even…well…” 

 

She gave Kara an awkwardly apologetic look, but the blonde merely smiled.

 

“It’s ok…. I want you to talk about them with me… Ask me about them. I think it might be easier to tell you if… if you ask me.”

 

Lena smiled and nodded.

 

“Ok…. now come on. It’s getting late and I need to get you back to bed before we get into trouble. Jonn’s latitude will only stretch as far as midnight.”

 

Kara sighed, not wanting the night to end, but conceded and followed her girlfriend back inside the building. Lena walked her back to her door for once, instead of the other way around, and the blonde stood there with a smile before pulling the brunette in for a fierce kiss.

 

When the blonde broke it, the ex CEO groaned and chased her lips with her own.

 

“Maybe I could give you one last birthday gift?” She said hopefully, her eyes darkening as she traced them over the blonde’s form.

 

Kara could feel the blush starting to fill her face, and her knees go slightly weak at her girlfriend’s gaze but she resisted and shook her head.

 

“As much as it kills me… I’m going to have to decline. You’re not the only one setting secret plans in motion you know… I have a plan.”

 

Lena groaned and rolled her eyes good-naturedly.

 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but do you think we could deviate from the plan? Just this once?”

 

Kara smiled, and kiss the corner of her girlfriend’s mouth gently.

 

“All good things, to those who wait… darling,” she said cheekily.

 

Lena sent her a playful glare, before pulling her in for another quick kiss.

 

“Fine….” she grumbled before smiling.

 

“Well, I guess I’ll bid you goodnight then.”

 

Kara smiled dreamily.

 

“Goodnight Lena. And thank you… you made today wonderful.”

 

The brunette smiled and began to walk back to her own room.

 

“All the good days Kara,” she said finally, before shutting her own door.

 

“I love you too,” the blonde whispered back, glowing, before entering her own bedroom.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, the bipolar woman woke up in a bubble of happiness she had never experienced before. If was a feeling of quiet confidence, so different to when she was manic. Like she could take on the world, but do it at her own pace. 

 

Her revere was broken by a knock on her door which she opened with a frown that turned to confusion.

 

“Jonn? What are you doing here?”

 

The doctor gave her a wide smile, before presenting her with a piece of paper.

 

“Happy Belated Birthday. I would have told you yesterday, but the confirmation only came through this morning.”

 

Kara was still confused, but as she read the paper Jonn had given her her eyes grew wide and her hands shaky.

 

She looked up at the grinning man with her jaw dropped.

 

“Is this… is this…?”

 

He laughed, before nodding.

 

“It is. I sent in my recommendation for you to the courts, and they approved your release from the hospital. You get to leave in a week.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did we think? Let me know!


	17. Sanity Calms, But Madness Is More Interesting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm off schedule people. Busy month at work, on top of moving house, on top of being stressed out of my mind and having a bit of a depressive slump has caused the delay. But, ta-da! Here we are, alive and back. I know it's a bit shorter than usual, but hopefully, things start to pick up for me in the next few weeks and we can get back to a regular length and time frame. Anyway, let me know what you think in the comments below!

The halls of the wards felt quieter than usual, Lena noted as she walked along. It was almost as if everyone was holding their breath. 

 

Of course, that was probably just the brunette’s perception of things. 

 

She walked into the games room and looked around, but when she only spotted Clark sketching she let out a soft sigh before calling a greeting and walking towards him. The clean-shaven man looked up at her approach and gave her a small smile.

 

“Hi, Lena.”

 

“Hey Clark,” she said softly, before taking the seat opposite him.

 

He stared at her for a few seconds before tilting his head slightly to the side.

 

“Do you mind?” The man asked, gesturing to his pencil and sketchpad. “Drawing you would be a nice change from chairs.”

 

A little startled, she nodded her consent and the man began to draw. 

 

They sat in silence for a few more minutes before he spoke distractedly.

 

“So… you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

 

The brunette let out another soft sigh and her eyes drifted out the window, searching.

 

“I’ve been looking for Kara, but I can’t find her anywhere. Ever since she told me the news about her being released, I’m pretty sure she’s been avoiding me.”

 

He let out a hum.

 

“Why do you think that is?” He asked distractedly.

 

“Well that’s just it, I don’t know!” Lena said with exasperation but flushed slightly when Clark shot her a glare at her jerky movements.

 

“Sorry,” she said sheepishly.

 

Holding his look for a few more seconds, he dropped his eyes back to his work and continued sketching.

 

“How did you react when she told you?” Clark asked suddenly.

 

 

_“Hey there, stranger,” Lena said softly as she walked up to Kara, sitting at their spot next to the lake._

 

_The blonde held a book in her hand, but she wasn’t reading it and was instead looking out distractedly at the ducks. The brunette knew something was on her mind, the bipolar woman had been unusually quiet during breakfast. Happy, but slightly subdued. Every time Lena spoke to her, the other woman’s attention seemed to drift into herself rather than the conversation._

 

_All in all, very un-Kara and not at all the attitude she expected from the way she had left the blue-eyed woman last night._

 

_The bipolar woman barely looked at her when she sat down next to her, and Lena waited for a few seconds before reaching out and touching the blonde’s arm gently._

 

_“You ok?” The brunette asked softly._

 

_Kara turned from the lake and gave Lena a tight-lipped smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes._

 

_“Yeah…”_

 

_The green-eyed woman tilted her head slightly._

 

_“You don’t sound too sure?”_

 

_The taller woman opened her mouth but seemed to struggle with her words before she closed her eyes briefly and let out a small sigh._

 

_“Jonn came by my room this morning… with this.”_

 

_The blonde reached into her pocket and held out a piece of crumpled paper. Lena frowned as she took it from Kara’s outstretched hand, but opened and read it quickly, her eyes widening. The ex CEO’s eye’s darted before she looked up at her nervous looking girlfriend._

 

_“So… yeah. Apparently, I get to leave in a week.”_

 

_Lena’s eyes flickered back down to the paper, and her lips parted. A feeling, a swirling panicking feeling began to rise in her chest but she forced it down._

 

_“That’s… that’s….”_

 

_“Exciting?” The blonde offered weakly._

 

_The brunette reached and gripped her girlfriend’s arm tightly._

 

_“Kara. This is huge. This is what you’ve been working for since you came here! You get to go back to the real world. You get to rebuild your life!”_

 

_The blonde suddenly shot to her feet, her face becoming dark._

 

_“And what’s so wrong with the life I’ve built in here, huh? I like my life in here!”_

 

_Lena clambered to her own feet and spoke in a soothing voice._

 

_“Kara… this was always supposed to be a stepping stone to a better life.”_

 

_The blonde rounded on her, blue eyes snapping._

 

_“Is that what this is for you Lena? A stepping stone? Is that what I am?”_

 

_The brunette frowned, even though the words stung._

 

_“You know I don’t think that Kara. Why are you getting so angry at me?”_

 

_“I…..” The blonde began, before trailing off as the fury left her eyes and was replaced with despair._

 

_She ran her fingers through her long blonde hair._

 

_“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped… It’s not you… I just… I need some space,” she said, finishing with a mutter before turning and nearly sprinting back to the hospital._

 

_“Kara, wait!”_

 

“I think the more appropriate question would be, how did she react when she told me,” Lena said with evident confusion in her voice.

 

Clark tilted his head and paused his sketching, and the brunette relayed what had occurred.

 

After she stopped talking, the clean-shaven man resumed his drawing slowly.

 

“It sounds like she’s pretty scared,” he finally said softly. “She’s confused about how she feels about leaving. She’s worried about how _you_ feel about her leaving.”

 

“Well, how would she know? I haven’t had a chance to tell her because she’s been avoiding me!” Lena responded, frustrated.

 

Clark didn’t pause.

 

“Well, how _do_ you feel about her leaving?”

 

The brunette’s mouth gapped, but she replied after a small pause.

 

“It’s what she’s worked for. I’m happy for her.”

 

The tall man’s pencil dropped, and he folded his sketchpad closed.

 

“Lena. Be honest. What are you really feeling?”

 

The swirl of uneasiness tried to rise again, but the brunette slammed down.

 

“This is the best thing that could have happened to her. This her chance.”

 

The dark-haired man’s eyes flickered.

 

“Uh huh,” he said in an unconvinced tone, before letting out a soft sigh.

 

He stared at her for a few minutes, before speaking again.

 

“I’m pretty sure I saw her heading towards the media room.”

 

Lena murmured her thanks, before standing and exiting the room in search of her girlfriend. She found her where Clark had suggested, lying across four foldout chairs in the media room, staring up at the ceiling with her arms behind her head. The brunette leant against the doorframe for a few seconds, drinking in Kara’s brooding appearance.

 

“So,” the blonde said resignedly, not sparing the brunette a glance. “You found me.”

 

Lena moved into the room and sat down in the chair next to the blonde’s head so she was in the other woman’s line of site.

 

“You don’t sound too happy about it,” she murmured back, before hesitantly starting to card her fingers through her girlfriend’s hair. 

 

The taller woman closed her eyes, and leant into the pressure, giving Lena the confidence to continue. A few minutes passed in silence before Kara let out a soft whisper as she opened her eyes.

 

“You know I love you, right?”

Lena didn’t pause her actions, only turning her eyes to watch the other woman carefully. 

 

“Of course I do, darling.”

 

The blonde hummed in acceptance, before sitting up slowly forcing Lena to stop her ministrations. The brunette leant her arm against the back of the chair and propped her chin up with her hand, staring at the other woman for a few more minutes. 

 

Kara was sitting in silence, but the ex CEO could read the tension in her jaw and in her shoulders.

 

“Why’ve you been avoiding me?”

 

The blonde huffed, and the brunette felt a spark of irritation grow in her chest.

 

“I haven’t-“

 

“Bullshit,” Lena snapped back. “You’ve been avoiding me all week.”

 

Blue eyes turned to hers.

 

“I told you, I needed space.”

 

The ex CEO gave her an incredulous look.

 

“Kara, you leave tomorrow. How long were you planning on ‘needing space’ before you left? Were you even going to talk to me?”

 

The blonde stood up fast.

 

“Look, I’m not going to sit here-“

 

Lena stood up as well and prodded the blue-eyed woman’s shoulder.

 

“Hey! Don’t do that, ok? I don’t know what’s going on with you, because you won’t tell me. You found out you’re leaving a week ago, and ever since then, you’ve been avoiding me. The only time you did talk to me, you gave me emotional whiplash! And now you’re doing it again! I want to talk to you Kara, we don’t know how long it will be before I get to see you again-“

 

The blonde’s face turned thunderous.

 

“Is that what you think, huh? That I’m just going to leave, wave goodbye out the door and never come back? Like everything… us… doesn’t mean anything to me? Is that all you think of me?”

 

“No Kara,” Lena nearly shouted back, her face becoming equally angry. “I think you’re projecting a whole lot of random shit, making assumptions and then apologising and then disappearing! I have no idea what’s going on with you _because you’ve been avoiding me for a week,”_ she said icily.

 

The bipolar woman’s face seemed to concave slightly before it hardened once more and she turned away from the other woman.

 

“Just forget it,” she muttered. 

 

The remnants of Lena’s control vanished, and she yanked the other woman back around to face her and all but spat out her next words.

 

“For God’s sake Kara. You. Leave. Tomorrow just tell me what it is? What’s wrong?”

 

“Lena,” the blonde replied, her eyes snapping. “Just drop it.”

 

The brunette took a few steps forward, entering into the bipolar woman’s personal space.

 

“No, I won’t drop it. If you’ve got something to say to me if there’s something on your mind this is the time to say it. You’re leaving-“

 

“JESUS CHRIST LENA! I know I’m leaving tomorrow! I’m all too fucking aware, ok?” Kara shouted suddenly before stalking away and turning her back on the other woman. 

 

The ex CEO was taken aback slightly but stepped forward determinedly.

 

“Kara-“

 

She cut herself off when she saw the other woman’s back was shaking, and her anger disappeared. Lena walked forward and gently wrapped her arms around the blonde, pressing a kiss into her shoulder blades when the bipolar woman held her arms tight.

 

“Oh, darling…. tell me what’s wrong. Please…” She begged as she felt the vibrations of her girlfriend’s silent sobs shake her arms.

 

There was a minute of silence before the blonde responded in a broken voice.

 

“I’m scared, ok? I’m scared that when I leave here, everything that I am. The rebuilt version of me will crumble to pieces. That I’ve spent this whole time deluding myself, and my self-confidence has been built on a lie. That this place, being in a psychiatric ward for nearly three years, will be the best part of my life. That I’ll never find a job again, that I’ll be living at my sister’s my entire life. That I’ll relapse, and I’ll blow up my life again.”

 

The brunette pressed herself in even closer to her blonde girlfriend, and the bipolar woman shuddered again.

 

“Most of all,” the taller woman continued, whispering. “Is that once I leave, everything that we have will be gone.”

 

“All I’ve wanted, for so long, is to finally leave this place. But now that it’s here… I don’t want leave anymore, because leaving here means I’m leaving you. Because I love you so much, and the idea of losing you is terrifying.”

 

Lena felt the other woman’s tears fall on her hands and pressed a soft kiss between her shoulder blades.

 

“Darling, I promise you, no matter what… you aren’t going to lose me.”

 

She pulled back, and turned the other woman gently, looking into her teary eyes as she laced her hands around the other woman’s neck. Lena quirked her head to the side and gave the other woman a soft smile.

 

“Do you really think, after everything I’ve lived through and all I’ve had to endure, that I would be stupid enough to let go of the most amazing person I’ve ever met? This kind, amazing, beautiful woman. Who has more reason than most to give into all the pain of her life. Who has fallen, and fallen hard… And yet has managed to rise from the ashes, and morph into a strong and brave woman. Who will take on the world and win, I know it.”

 

Lena dropped one of her hands and pressed it over her girlfriend’s heart. 

 

“Trust this, trust me… You are ready to do this. You’ll have to work at it every day, but no matter what you can do this. And just know, that no matter what I’ll be in your corner. To infinity, and beyond.”

 

Kara sniffled, but the corner of her mouth twitched into a smile.

 

“Did you just make a Toy Story reference?”

 

Lena scoffed.

 

“Really? That’s all you got from that?”

 

The bipolar woman’s eyes began to leak again, and she placed her hand over Lena’s on her chest.

 

“No… what I got from that is that you have faith in me.”

 

“Damn straight,” Lena whispered, before rubbing away the final few tears on her girlfriend’s face. 

 

The uneasy feeling twisted in her own chest, but she disregarded it.

 

“And I’ll be here, I’m not going anywhere remember?”

 

The blonde frowned slightly at the ex CEO’s slightly false tone and searched her eyes.

 

“You know… you’re going to be fine once I leave? You can be here without me.”

 

Lena nodded, but a string of anxiety wrapped around her heart. She gave the other woman her best smile though, and it seemed to settle Kara’s probing look.

 

“I know. It’ll be hard, but I know I can.”

 

The blonde smiled in return and rested her forehead briefly on the other woman’s.

 

A few seconds passed before she whispered softly.

 

“Lena… I don’t want to spend my last day by myself. I want to spend it with you.”

 

The brunette smirked, before leaning up for a quick kiss and wrapping her hand around Kara’s to tug her out of the room.

 

“Of course you do, I’m pretty awesome after all. Now come on, let’s do the lighting round of fun activities around here. And we’re definitely playing one last game of chess.”

 

Kara laughed.

 

“I’ll win this time. I know it for sure.

 

* * *

 

Kara didn’t win any of the three games they played, much to the blonde’s annoyance and Lena’s amusement. The blonde managed to rope Jack and Clark into a final grand game of Monopoly, which she was winning before Sam joined them and proceeded to obliterate all the players including the bipolar woman.

 

As the unusually giddy woman raked the final bit of money towards herself, Kara grunted and folded her arms.

 

“Would it kill you, to be nice to me on my last day?”

 

“Don’t be such a puppy, puppy. Didn’t anyone ever tell you that victory is only sweet if it’s earned?” Sam said with a smirk as she made a show of counting the fake money in her possession.

 

“Gee, I’m sure going to miss you,” the blonde muttered.

 

Sam raised her eyebrow.

 

“Sarcasm is unbecoming, puppy. I thought Princess,” she said, jerking her thumb in Lena’s direction. “Would have taught you better manners.”

 

Kara scowled, and Sam let out an overly dramatic sigh.

 

“Besides, you can’t deny I’ve taught you valuable skills to help cope now that you’re leaving.”

 

The blonde’s mouth pursed.

 

“Like how to handle assholes?”

 

“More like how to come to terms with the fact that you’re an idiot.”

 

The blonde’s face tightened momentarily, before relaxing as she let out a sigh.

 

“You know what Sam? You have taught me a valuable lesson. That no matter what, in life there are always going to be people who want to attack everything and everybody around them. And it’s not my fault if they choose to attack me.”

 

She stood up from the table.

 

“You know what I wish for you, Sam?”

 

The table held their breath.

 

“Nothing but happiness. I hope one day you find it.”

 

The smirking brunette’s face turned blank, as she stared up at the other woman. Kara held the stare briefly, before holding her hand out for Lena to take and tugged her away from the table.

 

The blonde all but dragged the other woman down the hall, before pulling her into her room and pushing her back at the door.

 

“Is this going to be a thing with you?” Lena said with a laugh.

 

“Yes,” the blonde said hungrily before pulling the brunette in for a slow kiss.

 

When they parted, the blonde hummed and began to slowly nipping her way down Lena’s neck, soothing the pain with a kiss whenever the brunette’s breath caught slightly.

 

“I’m going to miss everything about you,” she whispered between her small bites. 

 

She traced her arm up the brunettes gently.

 

“Your skin.”

 

Lena gasped as the blonde nudged her legs open with her knee and pressed hard.

 

“Your voice.”

 

She captured the brunette’s lips in another kiss.

 

“You mouth.”

 

Lena let out a small whine, stopping herself from moaning as the other woman moved her leg, creating even more friction.

 

“Darling… I can think of another way for you to miss my mouth _even_ more.”

 

Kara let out a groan when the brunette slipped her hand underneath her shirt, and her fingers traced across her girlfriend’s stomach. She captured Lena’s wrists and held them above her head.

 

“Oh no, you don’t…. I have a plan, remember?” Kara teased.

 

The blonde tilted her head, capturing the other woman in another tight kiss. Pulling away and catching Lena’s lower lip between her teeth briefly.

 

“Then why do you keep teasing?” Lena hissed as the bipolar woman pulled back again.

 

The blonde hummed, before releasing her grip on the other woman’s wrists and letting her hands fall.

 

“Gotta leave you something to remember me by.”

 

Lena felt the flush go down from her face slowly, and she distracted herself by patting down her shirt.

 

“You’re not easily forgettable, darling.”

 

* * *

 

The next day arrived far too fast for Lena’s liking.

 

Breakfast was a solemn affair, with Jack and the nurses on duty saying their goodbyes (Winn tearing up slightly). Pretty soon, a small group of people stood with Kara in the waiting room of the hospital, surrounded by various boxes of the blonde’s writings. 

 

“Well… this is it,” Kara said nervously as she shouldered a bag

 

Jonn let gave the blonde a smile, before outstretching his hand for a shake.

 

“I wish you nothing but happiness, Kara. It’s been a privilege getting to know you and seeing the person you have flourished into.”

 

Her girlfriend looked down at the hand, before pushing it aside and wrapping the other man in a tight hug. The doctor didn’t seem too shocked by the enthusiastic gesture and wrapped his arms around the woman just as tightly.

 

Lena just managed to catch the blonde’s whisper to the older man.

 

“Thank you, Jonn. For everything.”

 

The psychiatrist looked down at the bipolar woman fondly as he pulled away.

 

“I’m very proud of you, Kara.”

 

The taller woman’s eyes turned slightly watery, and she wiped them away quickly with the back of her hand as Clark stepped forward with a small, wrapped package outstretched in his hands. 

 

“A going away gift. If you didn’t guess, it’s a painting.”

 

The blonde laughed, and went to open it but was stopped by the clean-shaven man placing a gentle hand on hers.

 

“No. Don’t open it now. It’s for when you’re feeling…. If you ever feel like you can’t take it anymore. When everything is becoming too much. Open it then.”

 

Kara nodded and handed the package to Alex carefully. She barely had time to turn around before Clark pulled her in for a tight hug of his own. After a few seconds, the tall man sniffled briefly, and Kara pulled away with a stern look and increasingly red-rimmed eyes.

 

“No,” she said, pointing a finger at his chest. “If you start crying, I’ll start crying and then where will we be?”

 

Clark laughed softly, a few tears still slipping down his cheeks regardless of the blonde’s words. 

 

“Surely a few more tears, between family won’t hurt?” He asked quietly.

 

The bipolar woman’s face softened, and she pulled the other man in for another hug.

 

“No matter what Clark, you _are_ family to me, ok? It’s what’s in our hearts, not blood that counts.”

 

This time when they pulled apart, the tall man looked down at the blonde with a serious and searching look.

 

“You are going to do extraordinary things, Kara. Never doubt that.”

 

Kara’s cheeks flushed, and Lena felt an enormous wave of love for Clark at that moment.

 

“So will you… _Superman_.”

 

Maggie stepped forward next and gave the blonde her trademark dimpled smile.

 

“I’ll miss you around here Kara, though I can’t deny a part of me’s kinda glad you’re leaving.”

 

The blue-eyed woman’s eyebrow arched.

 

“Excuse you, my interruptions during group will be the highlight of your career.”

 

The psychologist laughed.

 

“Yes,” she responded wryly. “I doubt I’ll get to meet many more bipolar bisexual bicycles in my life… but the reason I’m happy you're leaving is so I can finally do this.”

 

Maggie strode past the taller woman, and towards her redheaded sister who was eyeing the dimpled woman with flushed cheeks.

 

The psychologist stopped with a foot of space between them, tilted her head and reached into her breast pocket to produce her business card.

 

“Here you go… _Agent Danvers,”_ she said with a sly smile, and the card held between two fingers.

 

When Alex didn’t move, simply flushing deeper, Maggie’s smirk increased and she reached for the other woman’s hand, opened it and placed the card in the redhead’s palm.

 

“Tell you what, you call the cell number with the heart next to it, and _I’ll_ organise the date.”

 

Alex nodded dumbly, but her hand curled around the card and she gave the other woman a dopey grin. 

 

Lena almost laughed at the evil glint in Kara’s eye as she grinned at her sister. No doubt, the blonde was planning a ridiculous amount of teasing for the usually stoic Danvers.

 

The bipolar woman’s malicious smile faded, as she finally turned to face Lena.

 

A silence stepped between them for half a minute, before Jonn coughed awkwardly.

 

“Maggie, Clark,” he said, clapping the clean-shaven man on the shoulder. “Why don’t we head back in…. big day tomorrow.”

 

With one final round of hugs (and a wink from Maggie to Alex as she left to put Kara’s belongings in the car), Lena and Kara were left alone.

 

The blonde took a few steps forward but stopped an arm's length away from the brunette. She stared at her shoes for a minute, before looking up.

 

Her eyes, even more red then before with held back tears.

 

“Lena-“

 

The brunette didn’t allow her to say anything else before she yanked her by the front of her shirt and into a hard kiss. Kara responded immediately, wrapping her arms around the ex CEO so tight she lifted her partially off the ground. 

 

They broke apart for air, and the bipolar woman rested her forehead against the brunette’s, breathing hard. Lena felt her own tears fall down her cheeks in earnest now.

 

They remained like that for a few seconds, before the unrest and desperation that Lena had felt growing in her heart since Kara first told her she was leaving, finally spilled out in a whisper.

 

“I’ll leave. I’ll leave right now and come with you. I’ll get my things, and sign myself-“

 

She was stopped by a gentle kiss.

 

“Lena…” Kara whispered back once they broke apart, the tears finally spilling from her own eyes.

 

“You know I love you. I love you more than anything. But it’s because I love you, that I want you to stay here.”

 

Lena’s eyes flashed with defiance, and Kara cupped her face and stroked her cheeks with her thumbs.

 

“Lena… look into your heart. You know I’m right. You’re not ready to leave.”

 

The ex CEO gripped her girlfriend’s fingers as they dropped.

 

“I’m not ready to be without you. You make me the best version of myself,” she said desperately.

 

The blonde paused, before slowly raising the brunette’s hands and kissing the back of them gently.

 

“I’m not going anywhere beautiful. I’ll be waiting for you, you know that. But Lena…” 

 

Her eyes turned fierce, and she dropped her girlfriend’s hands to instead grip Lena’s chin tightly.

 

“ _You_ make you the best version of yourself. You don’t need anyone to complete you. No matter what, _you’re_ enough. You’ll always be enough. Do you understand?” Kara said in a demanding voice, her eyes flashing.

 

The brunette was taken aback by the emotion in the blonde’s voice but nodded her agreement.

 

“I understand,” she said softly.

 

The electricity disappeared from the bipolar woman’s eyes, and she let go of Lena’s face.

 

“Good.”

 

There was another break of silence before Kara’s eyes darted to the exit door and her face fell. Lena reached forward and intertwined their fingers gently, pulling her girlfriend’s attention back to her.

 

“Clark was right, you know. I may not be sure of everything in life, but one thing I am sure of is you. And you, Kara Danvers,” she said with a soft smile, squeezing the taller woman’s hand lightly.

 

“You are extraordinary.”

 

The blonde’s lips parted briefly, her eyes filling with a hunger that made Lena blush.

 

“Oh, fuck it,” she whispered before pulling the ex CEO back into another fierce kiss that made Lena’s head feel light. The brunette was vaguely aware she was being pushed backwards, and let out a gasp when she was all but slammed into the wall.

 

“Kara…” she almost whined out, pressing against the blonde’s chest. “Your sister’s waiting for you.”

 

The taller woman groaned but didn’t move away.

 

“Let her wait. I don’t care.”

 

Lena closed her eyes, and let out a shudder as her girlfriend’s fingers traced up her thigh.

 

“Kara… do you really want to do this against the waiting room wall.”

 

The blonde groaned again, but this time she pulled back. Albeit reluctantly.

 

“No,” she said, letting go of the brunette.

 

“At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m ready to explode with sexual frustration. Just so you know,” the blonde muttered.

 

Lena raised an eyebrow.

 

“Oh, is that so Ms ‘I have a plan and everything will be perfect’?”

 

Kara conceded with a sheepish smile before her eyes softened and she reached up to trace the brunette’s cheek.

 

“Well, you’re worth perfection.”

 

Lena caught the finger as it fell again.

 

“No, darling. I’m worth _you_.”

 

Kara’s breath caught, and she went to lean in again, but this time the brunette stopped her.

 

“Seriously. If we keep this up, you’ll never leave. And you have a world to conquer, remember?”

 

The blonde laughed but stepped back slowly towards the door, her fingers dropping from the brunettes. She stopped halfway and picked up the final box sitting on the floor, opening the lid and pulling out one of her many journals.

 

“Here,” she said, holding out for the other woman.

 

Lena took it and frowned when she saw that it was empty.

 

“It’s for you,” Kara said softly when the brunette gave her a questioning frown. “I know you’re not an artist… but sometimes it helps to write things down.”

Lena paused in her flicking, on the inner cover of the front of the book was Kara’s unusually neat writing.

 

_Dearest Lena,_

 

_No matter what separates us, be it time or distance or walls. If you carry this book with you and fill it with whatever words are your own, I will always be close to your heart._

 

_Just another way to say I love you,_

 

_Kara_

 

Lena looked up with tears in her eyes, and Kara gave her one last smile before picking up the box with one hand and starting the walk backwards again. her gaze locked on the brunettes. Lena’s eyes began to burn, but she restrained her tears and stopped herself from launching into Kara’s arms yet again.

 

The taller woman stopped and the door, and turned to rest her hand on the handle.

 

“Kara,” Lena choked out, the other woman’s blue eyes locking with her own.

 

The brunette struggled for words before her shoulders relaxed and she gave her girlfriend a final teary smile.

 

“I love you.”

 

The blonde smiled back, her cheeks wet with her own tears but her eyes finally filling with nervous excitement.

 

“I love you too,” she said back, before pressing open the door and stepping into the sunlight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, things are changing now for our girls :) Let me know what you think in the comments below!


	18. Depression Is The Inability To Construct A Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers! I am back, with our regularly scheduled program. It's been an interesting month, but things are starting to calm down again and writing is starting to pick up. So, sit back, relax and I hope you enjoy.

“You are aware, Ms Danvers, that it is a provision of your release that you are required to attend our sessions every week? Failure to do so, and I will report you to the courts.”

 

Kara shifted on her seat, her heart already pounding and a stress headache forming behind her eyes.

 

“I know Doctor, and I’m sorry that I’m late but I missed the bus, and I tried to call your secretary-“

 

“This time I will let you off with a warning, but next time you won’t be so lucky. Missing the bus is not an excuse for not turning up.”

 

The blonde felt a flash of anger, nearly opening her mouth to retort, but thinking better of it at the last second. The last thing she needed right now was for the prickly doctor to assume she had anger issues when Kara already had the feeling the other woman didn’t like her.

 

“Yes, doctor.”

 

The psychiatrist didn’t even acknowledge he words, instead distractedly writing something down, before closing the file with a bang and picking up the next.

 

“Any changes to your moods this week Ms Danvers?”

 

The blonde cleared her throat and shook her head,

 

“No.”

 

The doctor scribbled away.

 

“And you’re acclimatising well?”

 

Kara shrugged.

 

“I guess.”

 

The writing didn’t stop.

 

“You guess? Are you, or aren’t you?”

 

The blue-eyed woman felt another stab of discomfort and found herself desperately missing Jonn’s kind smile and the endless supply of cookies. She was pretty sure if she asked her court assigned psychiatrist for a breath mint, let alone a cookie, the woman would recommend her immediate return to the hospital.

 

Though having endured a hellish three months away from the place, she found herself longing to be back inside it’s familiar, safe, and above all, non-judgemental walls.

 

Where Lena was, and the rest of the world wasn’t.

 

The green-eyed woman’s last letter burned in her breast pocket, and the urge to tell the woman opposite her that she could shove the bullshit excuse for therapy she was offering up her arse dissipated.

 

“I am, acclimatising well. I went out on four job interviews this week!” She said, with a weak attempt at enthusiasm.

 

“And did you divulge the fact that you are, for lack of a better word, on parole?”

 

And the enthusiasm deflated.

 

“Of course I did.”

 

Doctor Smythe’s eyes finally darted from her papers, to level the blonde with a hard look.

 

“You are aware that you are legally required to inform-“

 

“Yes, I know. And I do, every single time.” 

 

The blonde internally chastised herself for her snippy tone and conjured up an image of dropping water balloons on the other woman’s head to calm herself down.

 

“Well, if there’s no urgent business you can leave.”

 

The bipolar woman blinked.

 

“Oh….that’s it?”

 

“Well if you had arrived promptly, it would have been longer. It would be unfair to my other patients to extend past your allotted time.”

 

“No, of course…,” Kara said, trailing off.

 

She stood from her chair and made to leave, and as ever Doctor Smythe didn’t even spare her a glance.

 

Once Kara had exited onto the street she took a deep breath of air and found herself walking aimlessly with the crowd. 

 

Getting lost in it all, and feeling lost in it all.

 

The three months since she had left Krypton had been challenging to say the least.

 

The separation from Lena had been hard. Considering the blonde wasn’t allowed to drive anymore and no buses ran to the facility, Kara was forced to rely on other people for lifts to and from the hospital to see her brunette girlfriend. The blonde didn’t think it was particularly fair to ask Alex to take her every week, especially considering the weekly hour-long commutes her redheaded sister had dedicated to visiting her for the past three years. Maggie had been making her way down to the city most weekends ever since Kara had been released, and the blonde could hardly begrudge her sister for wanting to spend her time with her new girlfriend, especially when the alternative was driving Kara to see hers. 

 

Whenever Lois flew from Metropolis to see her husband, she always made the time to take Kara along with her in the rental car, but her visits were nowhere near as frequent as the blonde would like, even if they were highly dedicated considering Lois lived on the other side of the country. 

 

Kara had only had the chance to see Lena five times in person since she had gotten out.

 

Most of her interactions with the other woman were then restricted to daily phone calls and letters, both of which seemed to be running two entirely different conversations.

 

The bipolar woman could tell that her girlfriend was doing well, laughing and talking about her time with Clark, Jack and the staff freely, even if she seemed to gloss slightly over her own feelings in an attempt to dissect Kara’s. Overall, the blonde reasoned that the separation had been a good thing for the other woman, even if every night after hanging up the phone the blonde felt like a lance was thrust through her heart.

 

She didn’t think it was possible to miss someone as much as she missed Lena.

 

Her transition to ‘reality’ had been rocky, to say the least. Kara found herself both immensely grateful to be out, and completely overwhelmed by the whole thing. Moving in, and living with Alex, had been rather bumpy for them both. While she appreciated deeply all the efforts her sister was making for her, Kara chaffed at the requirement of it all. That she had been released into the agents care, and the redhead was responsible for her. It made her feel infantile and small. The redhead also had a tendency to hover liked a worried mother hen over Kara, asking her about her day in soothing tones and constantly encouraging her to ‘do a constructive hobby.’ 

 

The blonde resented and felt guilty that at pushing thirty she was living in her sister’s spare room, regardless of how much Alex had gone out of her way to make her feel welcome. 

 

The gym membership she had given her as a coming home present had been a godsend. That and her daily runs in the morning helped to managed her overall feelings of discomfort. 

 

That, and Lucy of course.

 

Her first week out, the lawyer had insisted that they go bar hopping, much to Alex’s annoyance.

 

_“You’re supposed to be cultivating a healthy lifestyle Kara! Not traipsing across the city at night with the sole goal of getting so wasted you can’t see straight!”_

 

Lucy, of course, had only rolled her eyes and dragged the blonde out the door.

 

And then proceeded to take Kara out for ice cream.

 

_“What? Got to keep your sister under the illusion that I’m a wild party girl.”_

 

But no matter how many times Lucy took her out for coffee, cake and ice-cream, nothing could change the harsh reality of her current situation.

 

  1. No one would hire her for anything once they heard about her ‘parole’ status.
  2. She had to attend mandatory weekly meetings with a psychiatrist she hated.
  3. She was still separated from Lena.



 

Kara couldn’t help but feel lost and rudderless. She wanted to get a job, of course, she wanted to get a job, and she fancied that it was already going to be nearly impossible to get a job in media considering what had occurred at CatCo, but having to disclose her current status to all her potential employers was making it impossible to even get a job waiting tables.

 

The meetings with her court-appointed doctor were hell. She simultaneously felt judged by the woman, looked down upon and dismissed. Kara all but had to drag herself to attend every week, and if it weren’t for Lena’s last letter of burning encouragement to _keep trying_ , she honestly didn’t think she would be able to keep it up. 

 

It was definitely hard, to go from an environment where she could confide in people in confidence, to one where the only medical professional she had access to made her feel like never opening her mouth again. 

 

If she said how she was really feeling, would that get misconstrued and sent back to the courts as a recommendation for her to return to Krypton? The psychiatrist seemed only too happy to inform her every week of the fact that she was ‘court-appointed’, and at this point, the sessions seemed less like counselling and more like a weekly forced interrogation.

 

Sometimes she felt like giving up, maybe stealing the doctor’s car and wrapping it around a tree so she could get sent back.

 

Those guilty thoughts were shunted to the side every time she thought of Alex and Lucy.

 

And Lena.

 

Everyone who was rooting for her to succeed.

 

Still, she thought miserably as she collapsed on the public bench and stared up at the now familiar Luther Corp building. It would be nice if something in her life moved. At the moment she felt like a car with no wheels. Lots of pressing on the accelerator, but no motion in any direction.

 

The first time she went running, she found herself drawn towards her old workplace, out of a morbid curiosity to see the building. It was only when she was a block away, that she recalled that due to her still current restraining order she wasn’t actually allowed near the place. Dejected, she made a sharp turn down another street and by a stroke of fate, she wound up directly in front of Luther Corp. 

 

It was all harsh metal, and jagged lines and for the life of her, Kara really couldn’t reconcile the idea of Lena, her sweet, kind and caring Lena, working there let alone running the place.

 

Still, every day she came back and every day she watched the place. People walking in and out, everyone from businessman to cafeteria workers. And every day, without fail, she found the place more and more endearing.

 

When the wind rustled through the trees around the building, it made her think of her girlfriend’s smooth voice. When the light hit it just right, the metal walls seemed to soften. Just like Lena’s walls the more she got to know her. 

 

So she probably should be committed again, considering she was practically stalking a building. 

 

But it was nice now to come here when she was feeling particularly dejected about a job interview or doctor’s appointment, eat some lunch and calm down.

 

“Kara?”

 

Or not.

 

The blonde looked up from her wistful staring and turned to face a shocked Eve Teschmacher. The last time the bipolar woman had seen the other woman she had just flipped Cat Grant’s desk and the CEO instructed the terrified assistant to call security to escort Kara out of the building.

 

Kara gave her an apprehensive smile, and stood up slowly and gave the other woman an awkward wave, unsure of what to say. She was saved from her predicament when the assistant lurched forward with a smile and pulled her into a tight hug.

 

“Oh my God, Kara! How are you?”

 

She pulled back with a grin, before looking mortified and quickly dropping her hands.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have just… just grabbed you like that.”

 

The shorter woman looked so nervous, Kara had to resist the urge to laugh.

 

“You can hug me, Eve. I’m not going to flip out on you or anything.”

 

If it was possible, the other woman looked even more flustered then before and began nodding rapidly.

 

“Oh, yes. Of course. Sorry.”

 

Kara sighed and rubbed her head.

 

“Don’t apologise. I get it. The last time you saw me, I was… well. I should be the one apologising.”

 

Remorse flooded her face, and she rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Eve hurried to reassure her, placing a hand on her elbow quickly.

 

“Oh no, don’t apologise either. We all heard that you were having a psychotic break-“

 

The assistant’s face turned another alarming shade of red, and she withdrew her arm from the taller woman’s arm to cover her mouth and groan.

 

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-“ 

“Ok, we seem to be in a pattern here,” Kara interjected smoothly. “How about we both just stop apologising?”

 

Eve’s smile returned.

 

“Did you want to have a coffee? Maybe catch up?” She said eagerly.

 

Kara’s eyes fluttered from the other woman’s face to her paper filled hands.

 

“Yeah, if you're not too busy.”

 

“Oh, this?” The curly haired woman asked, shifting the paperwork in her arms to her other hand. “It’s nothing, just a standard paperwork run. Ms Grant asked me to get some forms signed at LutherCorp for her, and I was just on my way back to CatCo when I saw you sitting here.”

 

The other woman’s head tilted.

 

“Why are you sitting here?”

 

The blonde fidgeted slightly, before frowning herself.

 

“Won’t you be in a rush to get back? From what I remember about Cat Grant she doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”

 

Eve waved her hand.

 

“Oh no, she’s having a deep tissue massage and spa day today, she’s not even in the office.”

 

The blonde nodded reluctantly, a part of her hoping to have an excuse not to talk to the bubbly younger woman. Not because she didn’t like her, but because the whole situation felt extremely awkward. What did you say to someone you meet who knows you were in a psychiatric hospital under court order?

 

Still, Eve looked so hopeful at the possibility of coffee that Kara could hardly say no.

 

It wasn’t like she was in for a busy day.

 

“Sure then, let’s do coffee,”

 

Much to the bipolar woman’s surprise, Eve lead them towards the LutherCorp building.

 

“They have this great cafe attached to the lobby. Best caramel macchiatos around.”

 

Kara couldn’t help but gawp slightly as they entered the lobby of the building. All huge ceilings and marble floors. Complete, with the seemingly obligatory abstract statue that graced all multi-billion dollar company lobbies. And there, right above and oddly placed, but huge fireplace sat a massive family portrait of the Luthor’s. 

 

The blonde woman’s eyes glanced over the hard lines of Lena’s adoptive parents, noting that her mother’s smile did seem particularly cold even in painting form. Her eyes rested on the figure of a young Lex Luthor. His smile seemed quite genuine, and his eyes sparkled with humour. All in all, Kara had difficulty imagining the handsome man strapping himself in explosives and blowing himself, and several other people, up in the very lobby they were standing in. 

 

The very idea that they would keep the building open, let alone hang the portrait of the man who murdered people in it, after the tragedy that occurred rubbed Kara the wrong way. Knowing Lena as she did, the bipolar woman highly doubted that it would have been her idea.

 

Her eyes flickered back to the imposing matriarch in the painting.

 

Definitely not Lena’s choice.

 

Kara finally turned her gaze to examine the final figure in the painting and lost her breath slightly at the sight of a teenage version of her girlfriend staring back at her. The blonde would bet her hat, if she had a hat, that the painting was staged but even still she couldn’t help but feel like Lena’s complete lack of interest in posing for the artwork was transparent across time and canvas. To Kara’s eye, the artist hadn’t managed to capture the exact colour of her girlfriend’s eye, and a voice in her head sternly muttered that Clark would have done a far better job of it.

 

Still, at any age, no one could ever deny that Lena Luthor was beautiful. 

 

“Pretty intimidating, huh?” Eve suddenly pipped up from her elbow, startling the blonde.

 

Kara nodded, and the assistant continued with a sigh as she stared up unknowingly at the blonde’s girlfriend.

 

“So sad what happened to the family.”

 

The taller woman looked at the assistant sharply.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Oh, right. I forgot that you’ve been… well. You might not have heard…. about Lex Luthor.”

 

The blonde shook her head.

 

“No, I… I heard.”

 

Eve shifted uncomfortably.

 

“Well after the incident, his sister took over the company. She was the CEO for about a year, and surprisingly after what had happened, managed to really make the company bounce back. Share prices were up, fiscal projections were good but out of the blue, she suddenly resigned.”

 

Kara looked back up at the painted Lena, while the assistant continued on.

 

“No one knows why even though the gossip mags were relentless. She was engaged to this club owner, and the other woman suddenly had a string of high profile affairs, Lena nowhere to be found. She’s been missing for about nine months now since, and the company hasn’t said a peep.”

 

“Sounds like her fiancée was a piece of shit,” Kara muttered, causing Eve to give her an odd look.

 

“So who’s running the company now?” The blonde said quickly, distracting the other woman.

 

“Lillian Luthor has been named interim CEO.”

 

Kara nodded, before jerking her head in the direction of the cafe doors.

 

“So…coffee?”

 

* * *

 

After fifteen minutes after sitting down, Eve finally ran out of gossip to catch Kara up on what had been going on in the city since she had been gone, and a silence settled over the two as the curly haired woman seemed to struggle internally for a minute.

 

“So, what have you been up to?”

 

Kara raised an eyebrow and nursed the warm cup in her hands.

 

“You mean aside from being in a mental hospital?”

 

Eve flushed, and the blonde chastised herself for her dark humour. Ever since she had been released she kept forgetting that she wasn’t talking to people who could she the humour in joking about their mental health, of staying in a psychiatric ward. The first time she had made a joke about being crazy with Alex, her sister had looked at with such a mix of extreme awkwardness and pity, that Kara experienced what could only be described as culture shock. 

 

The blonde sighed.

 

“Well, not much really. I got out of the hospital about three months ago now so I’ve just been adjusting. I’ve been looking for a job, but no such luck so far.”

 

“Well, what papers have you applied to so far? I’ve got a few contacts, I’m sure I could put in a good word.”

 

Kara blinked.

 

“Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve been blacklisted in the journalism world after everything that happened. And I wouldn’t want you using your chips up for me. I’m pretty sure Ms Grant wouldn’t want you promoting a person she has a restraining order against to her competitors. A plagiarising one at that.”

 

Eve acknowledged the point with a grimace.

 

“Honestly, at this point, I’d just be happy to get a job stacking shelves. But nobody wants to hire me when they hear about me being released from a psychiatric facility. Technically, I’m still under court order until I get a final assessment and that won’t be for at least a year. It’s kind of a catch twenty-two though. I have to prove I’m acclimatising, but the only way I can do that is by holding down a job.”

 

They sat in silence for a minute, Kara stewing darkly on her thoughts before the assistant patted her hand gently.

 

“The most important thing is that you’re doing better though, right? I know it must be difficult, but you do look better. Before you always seemed so erratic. Or reclusive. Now, it’s like you’re calmer.”

 

The bipolar woman laughed.

 

“Blame the medication and three years of therapy. But in all seriousness, I am happier with myself now. It’s just been difficult to adjust. You live your life a certain way for three years, in a sheltered environment, and then the carpet is yanked from under you. It’s a lot to handle. Especially considering the fact that I left Le… some of the friends I made behind.”

 

Eve smiled empathetically.

 

“Well, for what it’s worth I think you’ve done amazing.”

 

Kara smiled in return. 

 

“Thanks, Eve.”

 

She paused to take a sip of her drink, and her eyes darted around the cafe resting on a small sign above the counter.

 

“Why do they have a ‘Help Wanted’ sign as a plaque?” Kara asked with a frown.

 

The other woman shrugged.

 

“Ever since the incident, nobody wants to work here. Half the people killed were waitress’s and they’re right off the lobby. People are sacred there might be another attack. Especially considering no one knows why Lex did what he did.”

 

Kara opened her mouth to reply that Lena had told her exactly why Lex did what he did, but then remembered that none of those details had been released to the public.

 

Neither had the explanation for Lena’s disappearance from the limelight.

 

“Well,” she said standing and pulling a resume out of her messenger bag. “Desperate times, call for desperate hires I guess.”

 

* * *

 

“Hi!” Kara asked her sister brightly when she entered the apartment.

 

The redhead wrinkled her nose and watched as the blonde darted around the kitchen.

 

“Attempting to cook, are we?” The agent asked dryly.

 

The bipolar woman glanced down at the three burnt pans she had soaking in the sink and wrinkled her own nose at the lingering smell of smoke in the air.

 

“Hey, I haven’t cooked in three years! Give me some leeway.”

 

Alex gave her a look.

 

“Kara, you burn cereal.”

 

The blonde flushed.

 

“That was one time!”

 

The redhead laughed, while Kara turned and began furiously scrubbing one of the soaking pans.

 

“Come on, don’t be mad. You were in such a good mood. Clearly, you had a good day. Was to therapy? Did your hate/hate relationship with Doctor Smythe finally dissipate?” 

 

Kara frowned.

 

“Like it will ever. I swear that woman hates me. I was late for the appointment because I missed the bus and she basically threatened to call the police on me.”

 

Alex gave her a worried look.

 

“Kara, you know you can’t miss your appointments. You need to go every week-“  


“Because it’s the court order, I know,” Kara said, finishing her sister’s sentence with an eye roll.

 

“It’s not a joke Kara, this is serious.”  


 

The blonde levelled her sister with a glare.

 

“I know it’s serious Alex, I’m not an idiot. I didn’t do it on purpose, I just missed the bus.”

 

Kara sighed suddenly, and her shoulders slumped.

 

“I just wish the court had assigned someone I could actually talk to. I feel like curling up into a ball every time I leave that office. She makes me feel so… insignificant and irrelevant.”

 

Alex sighed and stood up to join her sister at the sink.

 

“I know it’s hard Kara. But you just have to stick it out for nine more months and you’re done. I know it hasn’t been easy for you since you left, and I know you aren’t clicking with this psychiatrist. I know it’s mandatory, but maybe we could get you another therapist. Someone else you could see who you can actually talk to?”

 

The redhead grinned then and nudged Kara’s shoulder with her own.

 

“And hey, remember we’re driving up to Krypton this weekend so you can see Lena?”

 

The blonde woman became excited before her heart sank in her chest.

 

At her silence, the redhead gave her an incredulous look.

 

“Why the long face? You’ve been excited for days to see her and now you’re all gloom and doom. What’s up?

 

Kara grimaced.

 

“It’s just that I got a job today, and I start on the weekend.”

 

The agent blinked before her face broke into an earsplitting grin.

 

“You got a job? Kara that’s fantastic! I knew you could do it!”

 

The blonde was suddenly wrapped in a tight hug, and if she didn’t know better she could have sworn Alex squealed with joy.

 

“What job? Where?”

 

“As a barista. At a cafe in the financial district.”

 

For some reason, Kara didn’t feel one-hundred percent comfortable disclosing the fact that she’d technically managed to get a job working at LutherCorp. The coffee shop was owned by the company, and the irony that the only place desperate enough to hire here also happened to be owned by her girlfriend’s family wasn’t lost on her.

 

Still…. no need for Alex to know that, lest she think Kara was taking charity.

 

Maybe there was no need for Lena to know either.

 

“I’m so happy for you Kara. This is a huge step.”

 

The enthusiasm in her sister’s voice mimicked Kara’s happiness earlier in the day. Until she realised that now she was going to have to work weekends, which meant she was going to see Lena even less than before.

 

“Yeah….” Kara said weakly.

 

Alex frowned and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

 

“Hey… it’s ok. Lena will be happy that you found a job. She’ll understand that you can’t make it.”

 

“Yeah….” The blonde replied softly, before rubbing her head.

 

“Hey… I’m pretty tired and I’m not that hungry anymore…. Is it cool if I clean all this up in the morning?”

 

Alex looked at her worriedly.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?”

 

The bipolar woman shook her head, and the redheaded agent hesitated before speaking again.

 

“You’d tell me, Kara… if it started getting bad again? Because I’ll take you to another psychiatrist for help, whatever you need. You know that right? That I’m here for you no matter what?”

 

The blue-eyed woman smiled and pulled her sister in for a brief hug.

 

“I know, Alex. You’ve done so much for me already. I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Kara,” The shorthaired woman said gripping her sister tightly.

 

* * *

 

The blonde woman sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the clock as it counted down the seconds towards eight. With thirty seconds to spare the phone in her hand began to ring and she answered quickly.

 

_“Hello, darling,”_ Lena’s smooth voice rolled out through the phone line.

 

Kara felt a few tears spring to her eyes, and she struggled to hide her sniffles when she replied with a smile.

 

“I missed your voice today,” she said softly.

 

There was a pause on the other end of the line before the brunette let out a soft sigh.

 

_“I missed you too. Every day, I miss you.”_

 

Kara returned the sigh and a silence fell between them briefly.

 

“This is hard.”

 

_“Did you get my last letter?”_ Lena asked gently.

 

The blonde closed her eyes.

 

“I thought we had a rule that we didn’t talk about what we wrote to each other?”

 

_“The rule only works if we read our letters.”_

 

The bipolar woman let out a half breath.

 

“I read it. Every day since I got it.”

 

_“Good,”_ Lena replied in a soft voice. _“Tell me about your day.”_

 

“It was good, I guess. Doctor Sourpuss was as charming as ever today. Making mountains out of molehills, and about as interested in my life as the man at the corner store.”

 

_“Did you imagine yourself on a beach in the sun?”_ Lena teased. _“That’s what Jonn recommended remember?”_

 

“I’m pretty sure Jonn’s techniques to deal with stress, weren’t meant to apply to handling meetings with other psychiatrists,” Kara said dryly.

 

_“Stress is stress, isn’t it? I don’t think coping techniques are limited to only a few situations.”_

 

“Yeah, you probably have a point.”

 

_“You get up to anything else today then?”_

 

Kara hesitated before speaking.

 

“I got a job today. In a cafe.”

 

Lena didn’t speak for a few seconds.

 

_“You’ve been looking since you’ve got out, but you don’t sound very happy now you’ve got one.”_

 

The blonde rubbed her thumb up and down her thigh.

 

“I have to work weekends. I start this weekend.”

 

_“Ah…”_

 

Another silence fell between them.

 

“I’d rather see you.”

 

_“So would I, you know that.”_

 

“But you’re going to tell me not to come.”

 

_“Yep.”_

 

“Because I need this job.”

 

_“Because it’ll be good for you.”_

 

Another pause on the line and the brunette let out a choked breath.

 

_“This is hard… and I really do miss you. But you know this is a good thing. You’ve been looking for something for so long, you can’t turn it down because you won’t get to see me in person.”_

 

“That seems like an excellent reason to me.”

 

_“Oh Kara…”_

 

The blonde rubbed her forehead gently.

 

“Look, Lena, I’m really tired… can I call you tomorrow.”

 

Another pause, and another soft sigh.

 

_“Of course. I’m not going anywhere… remember?”_

 

“I know,” The blonde said quietly. “I love you.”

 

_“I love you too.”_

 

The bipolar hung up the phone, and lay back on her bed, staring up at the ceiling for a few minutes before reaching into her inside pocket and pulling out the crumpled letter from her inside jacket pocket and opening it to read.

 

_Dear Kara,_

 

_It’s ok to be scared, to feel lost and alone. I know what it’s like to feel the way you do. To feel empty as if the colour is disappearing from the world. You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do. It’s not your fault._

 

_It isn’t fair that you feel like this. After three years hidden away, and you finally get to experience the world again except you can’t. You can’t feel it the way you should, and you feel broken because you know you should. If anyone deserves to see the world in all it’s colour, it’s you._

 

_But we don’t always get what we want._

 

_Please, Kara, don’t feel scared to tell someone. I know you said don’t need to. But you don’t have to be scared, of having to be strong. Even if you had to come back, it doesn’t mean you failed._

 

_You could never fail unless you cease to try._

 

_And that’s going to be my job, forever._

 

_To remind you to try._

 

_All my love,_

 

_Lena_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, what did we think? Write your thoughts and feelings in the comments below :)


	19. Once You Choose Hope, Anything Is Possible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again :) Another week, another day delay! Ahh well...
> 
> Anywho, hope you enjoy!

“You know, I had no idea you were this good at chess. I would have asked to play you ages ago,” Lena said quietly, as she contemplated her next move.

 

“Well, in all fairness you never asked,” Clark answered with a smile. “Besides, you had so much fun beating Kara I didn’t want to show you up.”

 

The brunette scowled, before moving her queen.

 

“You’ve only beaten me once so far, don’t get cocky.”

 

The clean-shaven man moved his piece.

 

“Oh please, if you had any sense of the board you would realise I’ve one this one as well.”

 

The woman sat back in her seat and realised he was right.

 

“Fair enough,” she sighed out, forfeiting the game and rearranging the pieces.

 

“Where did you learn to play?” She asked as he spun the board around to begin again.

 

He moved a piece quickly, before leaning back with a smile.

 

“I knew this guy on the streets. He had a beat up old board and on cold nights, he would always offer a game as we huddled around the fire. I remember half the pieces were bottle caps,” Clark said with a smile, before pushing another piece forward, responding to Lena’s move.

 

“I had just turned twenty and was kicked out of my dingy apartment. Nowhere to go, no one to call. I found my way down, under a bridge he was. Taught me all he knew but could kick my butt any day.”

 

Lena frowned, as one of her castles was stolen.

 

“Wow. Sounds like he could be a champion.”

 

The other man smiled sadly.

 

“Maybe, in another life. He died of an overdose a few years ago.”

 

The brunette blanched.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said softly.

 

The other man smiled and waved her away.

 

“Don’t be. He had a hard life, but he was a good man. I think he’s at peace now.”

 

She tilted her head and observed the other man closely.

 

“You say that like his life isn’t over.”

 

He gave her a knowing look.

 

“I take it you don’t believe in a better place?”

 

“What? You mean like heaven?” She asked.

 

The tall man shrugged.

 

“Not specifically,” he answered as he moved his rook.

 

“Just… a better place.”

 

Lena stared down at the board.

 

“No,” she answered quietly. “I’m an atheist.”

 

“Do you know, that the average American would rather have an Islamic president than an atheist one?” Clark said conversationally. “Given that Islamaphobia is at such a high, makes you wonder why the average joe is even more opposed to a non-believer being commander in chief.”

 

“And what are your thoughts on the matter?” Lena asked with interest, generally curious.

 

The man paused his game and became lost in thought briefly before smiling.

 

“I think, that believing in a God, doesn’t necessarily make you a good person. Just like not believing, doesn’t necessarily make you a bad one.”

 

“Wise words, but I’ll never kill anyone in the name of atheism.”

 

“So you think the average Christian would?”

 

“I think, that if history has proven anything, is that people will commit the most horrific of crimes, and then wipe their hands of it by saying it’s ‘God’s will’.”

 

“Does it scare you? The idea that there’s no ‘higher power’?”

 

“Scare me? No. If anything, it brings me a sense of peace. And purpose I guess.”

 

“How so?”

 

“If I believed in a God, I would spend my whole life wondering if my brother would be in hell. If he would be judged for his crimes, or forgiven because of the mental illness that caused it. How can we say, in the case of mental health, whether our actions should be judged on their own merits? Should someone suffering from depression who commits suicide be cast out of heaven? Would he take into account the things that led them to do it? Would a woman who has bipolar be shunned because they were on a manic high, and OD’d when trying a drug they just had to have? No, for me life is more precious and beautiful and complicated because I don’t believe there is something after this or someone above who judges from on high. I can look into the eyes of the woman that I love and realise that yes, we are both flawed people who have made mistakes. But we’re trying so hard to be the best versions of ourselves now, and that’s all any of us can do. And the strength to continue doesn’t come from an entity, but from ourselves and each other and the people around us. And that each day, could be it. This is all we get, so we shouldn’t waste a minute of it.”

 

Lena looked up from the board at the end of her speech, to find Clark staring at her intensely. 

 

Suddenly, his face broke into a smile.

 

“If I were a God-fearing man, now would be the time to say I feel blessed to have met you.”

 

The brunette blinked.

 

“Oh… I assumed from your questions that-“

 

“That I’m a believer?” Clark asked, and at the green-eyed woman’s nod, his smile grew wistful.

 

“Growing up where I did, it was practically impossible not to be. You learned to drive a tractor and read a bible before you could walk. There was comfort in it, going to church every week. And a whole community of people who cared for each other, and were there for each other. Be it a flood, drought or death, you could always couldn’t on a member of your parish showing up to help in any way they could. You talk about all the bad things people do in the name of religion, but there have been beautiful things too. Maybe not as talked about, but they still exist. Those small miracles. That there’s something bigger than us, that’s the reason we have this capacity to help people as much as we can”

 

Clark sighed.

 

“I suppose things get… well… muddied for me now.”

 

He pointed a finger at his head.

 

“It’s hard, sometimes to see all the pieces together. But I do think there’s something there. A bond between us. I guess it brings me comfort, to know that the good people I’ve met who had so much light they could have brought to the world, get to shine somewhere else. To know that it meant something.”

 

“If meeting them, impacted you, of course, their life meant something. Every person we meet, we affect in some way,” Lena replied with a soft look.

 

Clark shrugged, but his smile continued.

 

“I suppose it just brings me comfort then. Like you, it brings me peace. And clarity. For me, believing in God doesn’t make me think he caused my mental illness, it just gives me the strength to believe that when I was all alone I still wasn’t all alone. That there was always somebody on my side. Sometimes when I look at Lois, all I can think is ‘there’s no way meeting you was a coincidence’. It feels like fate. Like she was sent by something, to help save me.”

 

“I guess saying you met by chance doesn’t sound as romantic,” Lena acknowledged.

 

The man stared at her, before asking softly.

 

“Do you ever wonder that about Kara? If you met just by chance, or if it was meant to be and designed? That she was sent to save you.”

 

Lena passed her movements and thought about the question hard before she smiled and answered.

 

“I think, if Kara was sent by anything, it was to help me save myself.”

 

* * *

 

_Dear Lena,_

 

_Thank you, for your last letter. I know it’s taken a while for me to write back, it’s been difficult. I’ve been carrying it with me everywhere since I got it though. Is it weird to say it gives me strength? When things get difficult, I just remember that your words are there, right next to my heart._

 

_I think I’ve been struggling since I’ve been out, partly because I’ve found it to be… jarring to be back in reality. It’s kind of like when you were a kid and you went to a theme park. And everything seemed so amazing and big and loud and fun. And you spent the whole day stuffing your face, going on rides and driving your parents up the wall. So when you leave at the end of the day, your kind exhausted and tired, but you hold the place in your heart forever for the great memories it gave you._

 

_You spend years and years, going back to that place in your mind and reliving those memories because they bring you so much joy. Then one day, you decide to go back. To really see it all again, and experience it all again. Except when you get there, everything looks old and tired and sad. And then you remember, that time when you were a kid, wasn’t that great either. You weren’t tall enough to go on all the rides you wanted, you got food poisoning from a hot dog you ate, and in reality, your parents only took you there to ease the pain of their divorce._

 

_Weirdest metaphor ever, for returning to my life._

 

_It doesn’t feel like my life, and for so long I was trying to pinpoint exactly why it felt so off. And it wasn’t because I didn’t have my old job or my old apartment. I finally figured it out, completely without Dr I Don’t Care._

 

_It’s because, for the first time, I’m seeing the outside world with my medicated eyes._

 

_I guess I’m seeing it the way other people see it, those normal people (even though there’s no such thing as normal), and it’s kind of scary. I developed the tools to live my life unknowingly based on my mental illness, and now I have to learn it all over again._

 

_So yes, the world doesn’t seem to have the same vibrancy that it once did._

 

_But I’m learning to appreciate the new colours that I never saw before._

 

_And thinking of you, of course, brings all the colours back._

 

_Love forever,_

 

_Kara_

 

* * *

 

“Missed you today,” Lena said with a smile, picking up the phone.

 

_“Hey,”_ Kara replied with a laugh. _“That’s my line!”_

 

The brunette shrugged.

 

“What? Can’t I say it first for once?”

 

_“Well, sure,”_ the blonde replied with a serious tone. _“But this is going to change the dynamic of our entire relationship. Frankly, I’m not sure I can continue under such horrible conditions. ”_

 

“What can I do to entice you to stay? Better hours? A pay rise?” Lena teased.

 

_“I’m thinking…. conjugal privileges.”_

 

The brunette laughed, but her mind flashed with images.

 

“Presumptous…,” she replied in a low voice.“I like it.”

 

_“What can I say? I’m in a good mood.”_

 

It was true, Lena was pleasantly surprised at how much better Kara did sound. Knowing as she did how hard the last month had been on the blonde. 

 

And Lena thought she would be suffering from feelings of isolation.

 

_“You do sound better. Good day?”_

 

Kara let out a sigh.

 

_“Yeah. Not much to talk about really, coffee is coffee and these corporate types who buy it aren’t the most polite, but it’s satisfying in its own way. It’s nice to be doing something, making something. Even if it is just coffee.”_

 

“Did I ever tell you, how much I love coffee,” Lena said happily, making her girlfriend laugh.

 

_“And what about you?”_ The bipolar woman said, directing the conversation away from herself.

 

_“Any new gossip from the ward?”_

 

“Everyone’s ticking along just the same. Clark tells me this has been the longest stretch he can remember in the ward before an empty bed was filled. Surprising, given the quality of the care. Not so surprising, given the price tag.”

 

_“Makes me wonder how I ended up there.”_

 

Lena frowned.

 

“No luck in your investigation?”  


_“Not really. I’ve poured through all the paperwork, and all is indicated that it was government funded. I mean, it’s not completely unusual. It has happened before that Krypton has taken on out of mean’s patients. Just not that often, and I don’t fit the criteria. Someone’s definitely behind this. Honestly, if we hadn’t met in the hospital, I would totally have you lined up as suspect number one.”_

 

The brunette’s eyebrows raised/

 

“Me? Oh no, I think you’re projecting your white knight tendency’s darling. Wouldn’t have been my style.”

 

_“Oh really?”_ Kara said, in a tone that implied she didn’t buy it. 

 

_“That’s surprising given the amount of charity work you were credited for during your single year as CEO. More in one year than in twenty for the company, if the articles are to be believed.”_

 

“Yes, well… it wasn’t so much charity as a need to repent. You know… when my brother blew up a building,” the brunette said in a harsh tone.

 

There was a paused on the other end of the line, before Kara let out a soft sigh and began speaking gently.

 

_“You cant tie all your good deeds to making up for your brother’s bad ones. Is it that hard to believe you’re just a good person?”_

 

Lena let out a fake laugh.

 

“The only people that truly believe that, are the people I’ve met in here. I’m under no delusions Kara, of the reception I’ll get when I return. Luthor children have never been known to escape the sins of their family.”

 

The blonde woman spoke back fiercely.

 

_“You don’t give the people of this city enough credit. They wonder where you’ve gone because they remember how much of a positive impact you had. If only they knew how much you achieved when you were dealing with so much. The world’s not going to know what hit it once you return Lena.”_

 

The brunette sighed, but couldn’t help the corner of her mouth twitching upwards.

 

“You flatter me.”

 

_“No, I don’t. I hear it every day. Pretty hard not too when I work in… in the business district. I get to see LutherCorp every day, and I hear all the talk. They still talk about you.”_

 

“Sniffing out for the next scandal Kara. As much as I love your optimism, people of that world are hardly virtuous. Any opportunity to crawl on top, even over the corpses of others and they’ll take it. I’m just glad my people have managed to keep my stay here under wraps as it is. I’m actually quite impressed, my lawyer will be keeping their retainer for a very long time.”

 

_“Wait, you have people? Like, 'people' people?”_

 

Lena giggled, at her girlfriend’s awestruck tone

 

“Of course, darling. Perks of being a billionaire.”

 

_“You know, I forget how much you’re worth sometimes. Which is surprising considering that I technically work for… work so close to your family’s company.”_

 

Lena frowned at the slip, but let it drift from her mind as another mortifying thought came to her.

 

“Gah. I hope you haven’t had the misfortune of seeing that ghastly portrait my mother insisted on keeping in the lobby. She always had delusions of grandeur. Likes the project the image of the Author’s being the unofficial royal family of America.”

 

_“I think you look beautiful in it, even if he didn’t get the right colour for your eyes I can still definitely see moody teenage Lena.”_

 

“You, and everyone else who visits LutherCorp.”

 

_“At least I’m not stuck to just googling your face when I miss seeing it. Did you really fly the entire Vogue overshoot to Spain five years ago?”_

 

“Those rumours were highly exaggerated.”

 

_“…right. Don’t try to pretend you didn’t pull all kinds of stunts in your youth. I’m a journalist remember? I can find out all your secrets now that I have the means.”_

 

Lena grimaced.

 

“Don’t look too hard, you might end up running away screaming.”

 

_“Sorry gorgeous, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me forever.”_

 

That made her smile.

 

“Is that a promise?” She said, her heartwarming already knowing the answer.

 

_“Most definitely.”_

 

* * *

 

“You’re looking… well.”

 

The psychologist narrowed her eyes, at the teasing tone.

 

“As opposed to how I usually look?”

 

Lena smirked and raised her eyebrow.

 

“Good weekend?” She asked cheekily.

 

Maggie opened up her notepad and clicked her pen.

 

“Same old, same old really."  


 

“Hmmm….” The brunette said with a smile. “Kara enjoyed her’s too you know.”

 

The other woman’s writing skipped a beat and the ex CEO’s smirk widened.

 

“Staying over at Lucy’s was fun…. especially considering she wasn’t given a choice.”

 

A sense of satisfaction washed over the brunette, as she swore she saw Maggie get a blush. The green-eyed woman leant back in her chair and appraised the other woman slowly.

 

“Guess that means things are going well.”

 

The psychologist’s eyes finally snapped from her paper to her patient.

 

“Is this a session, of an afternoon coffee date?” She asked with exasperation.

 

Lena laughed.

 

“Come on, don’t be like that! All’s fair in love and therapy, you know that better than anyone. Besides,” the woman continued, her eyes filling with mischief. “Kara said Alex has been singing.”

 

“Singing?” Maggie couldn’t help but question, making Lena nod her head slowly and with glee.

 

“Oh yes. Very, very, badly apparently. According to my girlfriend, her sister only sings for two reasons. One, she’s managed to get a weekend away to catch some waves or two…” Lena dragged out her response, watching as the other woman’s irritation rose.

 

“….or two?” Maggie asked annoyed, but with a desperate tone.

 

“Or two… she’s in loooovvvvveeeeeee…..” 

 

“Ughh. Why did you say it like you’re in high school?” Maggie complained, but her disgusted tone couldn’t detract from the goofy grin that broke out over her face.

 

Lena let out a laugh.

 

“So it’s true! Wow, my psych is in love with the sister of my girlfriend, who I met in here when she was a fellow patient. Sounds like we’re well into rule-breaking territory ethically speaking here,” the ex CEO teased.

 

Maggie shook her head distractedly and began to write again.

 

“Well, all’s fair in love and therapy.”  


 

* * *

 

“Writing another mind-numbingly sweet love letter, princess?”

 

Lena looked up from her notebook distractedly, and towards the smirking Sam leaning in the doorway of the library.

 

The brunette looked back down to her book, which had three different versions of the same letter, crossed out and ink-stained.

 

“Not really,” she replied dryly. “I’m not really a writer, but I do my best and I think Kara appreciates the effort.”

 

Sam rolled her eyes and went searching for a book on a shelf.

 

“Oh please, do tell me more about what Kara appreciates. Thought the puppy was annoying before, but I’m pretty sure she’d been mentioned more times since she left than when she was here.”

 

A flash of irritation passed through the seated woman.

 

“Firstly, you brought it up. And secondly, do you have to start shit with me every time we talk? What exactly did I do to make you dislike me so much?”

 

Sam let out a dry laugh.

 

“Don’t feel so special princess, I dislike most people.”

 

“Most. Not all?”

 

The other woman turned from the shelf and arched an eyebrow.

 

“Trying to dig through my skull now? Find out all that I am, and what makes me, me?”

 

Lena sighed and made to stand.

 

“Forget it, idyl conversation is wasted on you.”

 

The other woman turned sharply, and her voice became acidic, stopping Lena in her tracks.

 

“Don’t lie to me,” she spat out. “People don’t try to get to know other people for the joy of it. There’s always a motive.”

 

Lena stared at her with an incredulous look, and let out a bark of laughter

 

“Or maybe,” She drawled, before retaking her seat and crossing her legs.

 

“I was trying to write a letter in peace and quiet, you walked in here and started dropping brooding clickbait’s, and when enquired upon you throw it back in my face. Let’s just establish, that behaviour like that doesn’t work on me. In fact, on the originality scale, you don’t even come close to the people I’ve had to work with. So please, don’t test your luck just because Kara’s isn’t around. I’m not going to rise to the bait.”

 

Sam’s face seemed to morph through an emotion before it settled on derision. She gave the seated brunette a mocking smile before walking to another bookshelf.

 

“Well yippee, you can read through my bullshit. Doesn’t that just suck all the fun out of my life here,” Sam said with heavy sarcasm.

 

Lena raised an eyebrow, and her mouth twitched up in amusement.

 

“I guess you could look at it that way,” the green-eyed woman said with a shrug, as she played with a loose thread on the fabric of the couch. 

 

“Me personally though? I’d take advantage of the fact that everyone already thinks the worst of me. Could be an opportunity, to tell the truth for once in your life, no one’s going to think less of you.”

 

Sam laughed again, but when she turned to face Lena her eyes seemed to glint with amusement.

 

“Well, aren’t you just full of nuggets of wisdom.”

 

The seated woman smiled and tilted her head.

 

“What can I say? I’m trying to pass on my self-improvement tips to the next generation.”

 

Sam dropped her book on the shelf and became annoyed.

 

“I’ve been here longer than you!”

 

“And clearly nothing has stuck. Don’t worry, I’ll put you on the back burner as my ‘maybe senior project’.”

 

Arias turned fully at that and stared at Lena hard as if she was assessing her. She seemed to decide something, and much to the brunette’s shock she took the seat next to her.  


“Full of jokes today? Well, if I’m in the business of not lying today, I will say it makes a nice change. At least you’ve proven you have a brain… and some interesting rapport. You only make me want to drive nails into my head, as opposed to incinerating myself alive. The only other person who's managed to get to that level here is Clark. Because even I can’t find in myself to completely degrade the man.”

 

The ex CEO was surprised, this was the longest conversation she’d ever had with the other woman and she couldn’t help but feel suspicious of her. 

 

“Brutal,” Lena said slowly with a nod. “But I think you’re telling the truth.”

 

Sam shrugged with a resigned look.

 

“Didn’t you hear? I’m a sociopath. No, wait, I have ‘anti-social personality disorder’. I disagree, of course, not like that matters. Regardless, everything I say should be taken with a grain of salt. I am a master of deceit as it were.”

 

The ex CEO let out a snort.

 

“Clearly you’ve never met my mother.”

 

“I’m sure we would have wanted to kill each other within five minutes.”

 

“Two. But most people have that reaction around Lillian.”

 

Sam hummed.

 

“Ahhh, mothers and daughters. Such an intriguing bond,” she said in a bitter tone.

 

The other brunette raised her eyebrow.

 

“Speaking from experience?”

 

Arias hesitated briefly, before speaking softly and crossing her arms over her chest.

 

“Well I never got on with my mother either, docs would say that helped lead to my ‘condition’. In my humble opinion, I had a better relationship with my daughter.”

 

Lena blinked and tried to hide her shock. The green-eyed woman stared at her in silence, trying to reconcile the image she had in her head of Sam with that of a mother. Immediately, she couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. After all, it wasn’t like she knew Sam that well beyond acidic and snarky remarks. That, and she was pretty sure she hated Kara.

 

Besides, she should know better than anyone else that not all mothers are what society would call ‘nurturing’.

 

Sam grimaced, obviously sensing that Lena’s brain was playing catchup. 

 

“I see I’ve stunned you to silence, but no, I’m not lying,” she said dryly.

 

Lena shook her head and forced herself to speak.

 

“You… have a daughter?” She repeated, still slightly surprised.

 

For the first time since she had met the other woman, the ex CEO could honestly say she thought the smile that crossed Sam’s face actually seemed fond.

 

“I do. Her name is Ruby,” the woman said with a small, but sad smile. “She’s fourteen this year.”

 

The brunette furrowed her brow, her curiosity suddenly growing about the other woman. She had a daughter? Why didn’t she ever see her? What happened to her?

 

“Wow. I didn’t know,” Lena said softly.

 

The hazel-eyed woman sighed, and began to speak slowly and gently, lost in a memory. 

 

“It’s not like I’m hiding her existence from the world or anything, this is just the longest conversation I’ve had with anyone to actually talk about her with.”

 

Lena couldn’t help the pang of sadness for the other woman, and her haunted tone. Truthfully though, she was now lost for words. What do you say to someone you don’t really know, and don’t particularly like after they tell you something like that.

 

“Ok,” the brunette said simply.

 

“Ok,” the other woman answered.

 

A silence stretched between them after that, and it quickly grew awkward. Lena was left staring at the opposite wall, completely unsure about what she was supposed to do now. After half a minute, Sam sprung to her feet and gave the ex CEO her trademark smirk.

 

“Good chat. Very cathartic and all that crap. Have fun analysing the whole night whether I was emotionally manipulating you!” She called over her shoulder, as she left the room, taking a random book with her.

 

Lena stared after her retreating figure, completely perplexed by what had just occurred.

 

“Same I guess?”

 

* * *

 

_Dear Kara,_

 

_Just for the record, I still think you’re the strongest person I know. I still think part of the reason I’m doing so well in here by myself is that I know you’ll be waiting for me when I get out. This past month has been hard on me too, in different ways. Learning to be in here without you has been an adjustment. Jack and Clark have been taking alternative days to walk me to and from dinner, and while I admire their efforts to be chivalrous, they’ll never be able to beat the original._

 

_Needless to say, after a week I told them I was perfectly capable of walking by myself._

 

_I guess that’s what I’ve been learning in here since you’ve left. That I can do this alone._

 

_And I’m learning to enjoy my own company again, without feeling lonely. It was strange at first, to realise I love spending time with myself again. Because I love myself again. I love that I can read in my room all day, and I love that I can go for a walk around the grounds to think. I love that I’m no longer terrified of my thoughts._

 

_That when I think of myself now, I no longer think I’m worthless. That I’m not afraid of the future anymore, but I’m excited instead. That I know for once, all the way to my bones, that someone out there loves me. Loves me for me, all that I am._

 

_And I love the fact that now I realise that I love like that, while it is a gift and is truly beautiful, it is exactly what I deserve._

 

_I’m not worth less than that, and I never will be._

 

_You helped teach me that, and for that alone, I will love you forever._

 

_For a few other reasons too maybe, you are pretty good looking and you’ve proven time and time again, you certainly know how to make me blush._

 

_Of course, there are other things I cant think about involving you that make me blush._

 

_Lots of things._

 

_Things I think about at night._

 

_When I'm all alone._

 

_Missing you._

 

_Love,_

 

_Lena._

 

_P.S Try carrying this letter with you from now on, I dare you not to get distracted._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually had a really interesting conversation a few weeks ago with someone about faith, belief and how that helps them with their mental illness. So that was my inspiration for the above chapter :) Let me know what you think in the comments below :)


	20. You're Worth More Than Your Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so I'm annoyed because my last chapter on my other story didn't update properly. While it's up, I have no idea if half the people who subscribe even got the update. I'm hoping it doesn't happen again with this chapter, but if I don't write an angry 'I hate technology sometimes' rant as a second paragraph, it went up fine the first go.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy :)

“Hey Kara, can you handle the till?” Her harried manager called to her, as she was crouching to refill the food in the display fridge.

 

“Sure thing Dan,” she replied and was given a look of relief.

 

The blonde stood quickly, straightening her hat and apron and turned towards the cash register with a smile.

 

“Hi, there! Welcome to L Coffee, what can I get for you tod-“

 

She cut herself off and stared at the man opposite her in shock.

 

“Mike?”

 

The man turned from looking at his phone and gave her a startled look. Kara took in his shaved face, pressed suit and a shiny briefcase with a bemused look.

 

“Wow, Mike… You look different.”

 

He smiled weakly and pointed to her cap with the logo of the cafe on it.

 

“So do you.”

 

Kara’s smile dropped, as she noticed Mike’s eyes darting around the cafe and avoiding her face. She frowned softly.

 

“Hey, it’s great to see you. I’ve tried calling you a couple of times since I got out to catch up, but maybe you changed your number.”

 

“Oh…yeah. I did… sorry.”

 

The blonde’s frown deepened, as the phone in the man’s hand went off.

 

“Well, maybe we could-“

 

“I’m sorry Kara,” Mike said in a rush, as two businesswomen with harsh faces entered the cafe looking around. “I’ve got to go.”

 

“Wait, Mike!” She called after him, but he didn’t turn around. 

 

Once he reached the two other people clearly waiting for him, the older woman turned her eyes briefly towards Kara, her lip curling into a sneer. She said something to Mike, who shook his head and shrugged his shoulders before all three of them walked out together.

 

Kara was left staring after them completely confused and slightly hurt until the next customer in line grabbed her attention.

 

“Excuse me, Miss?”

 

She blinked and turned to the middle-aged woman with a forced smile.

 

“I’m sorry ma’am, what can I get for you today?”

 

* * *

 

Kara opened the door to Alex’s apartment with a groan of exhaustion. While her mind had been preoccupied with ideas about why Mike had fled at the sight of her, it had also been all go, all day. Due to their staffing problems, Kara was asked if she could stay and help do inventory late. While she appreciated the extra money, all she really wanted to do was come home, call Lena and curl up on the couch with a tub of ice-cream. That, and maybe write something down in her neglected journal which was slowly growing dust on the new writing desk Alex had given her for her birthday.

 

Her mind lingering on her own gloomy lack of enthusiasm for things, she almost tripped over a pair of boots that were scattered in the hallway. Kara frowned in confusion as she noted that the shoes were Maggie’s, and she her brain finally caught up with her when she heard the distinct sounds of moans coming from her sister’s bedroom. 

 

The bipolar woman’s cheeks immediately flushed, and she turned on her heel and left the apartment as quick as she arrived. 

 

Well, it didn’t look like coming home was a good idea after all. Her thoughts immediately darkened with annoyance. While she was happy that her sister had finally found someone who was worthy of her, she could of at least let Kara know that she was going to be having Maggie around tonight. The blonde’s woman’s anger deflated into gloom instantly though when she remembered that technically she was only a guest in Alex’s place.

 

Forced to live with her sister, because she literally wasn’t allowed to live anywhere else. Not that she could afford it anyway. 

 

Kara leant against the door and closed her eyes, her anger returning slowly, but this time directed at herself.

 

She couldn’t afford to live by herself. The only job she could get was in a fucking coffee shop. She would probably never be able to work in journalism again. She despised her psychiatrist. And the only person who she really wanted to be with, was nearly a two-hour drive away and she didn’t have a license. 

 

Lena, she just wanted to see her girlfriend. 

 

Alex and Maggie could see each other freely. They could go on real dates, where nobody was monitoring them. They could go out and see the sites. And they could fucking come home and have sex and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

 

In the real god damn world, not a hospital.

 

Suddenly, her phone buzzed with an incoming text from Lucy.

 

_What’s happening biatch? Haven’t heard from you in a while and it’s Friday night._

_Wanna go out with me for a few drinks at that bar we found two months ago?_

 

Kara briefly thought about not even bothering to reply, but she instantly felt guilty as she noted that Lucy had sent her two texts this morning that she failed to answer.

 

Her fingers hovered to type no, but she stopped herself when she remembered what was currently going on in the room next to hers.

 

_Sure, meet there in twenty?_

 

* * *

 

“Kara, why do I feel like I haven’t seen you in a week?” Lucy cried as she flung her arms around her the blonde the second she spotted her enter the bar.

 

The bipolar woman patted her friend’s shoulder awkwardly, but a smile grew on her face at the shorthaired woman’s enthusiasm.

 

“Probably because it’s been a week Luce,” she answered easily.

 

The other woman realised her from her death grip and eyed her uniform.

 

“Just get off work?” She asked, pulling up a stool at the bar and sitting down.

 

Kara huffed, and pulled out the one next to her, easing her messenger bag onto her lap, her shoulder crying out in relief.

 

“Trust me, I would have changed but when I walked into the flat all I could hear was the sounds of my sister and my former group therapist going at it like two bunnies. Needless to say, I left pretty quick,” Kara grumbled before asking the bartender for a beer. 

 

Lucy let out a snort into her drink and struggled the hide her smirk when Kara scowled at her for splattering her arm.

 

“I’m sorry,” the woman said with a laugh. “I just find it hilarious. I swear to Christ, I was the one with the nympho reputation in the hospital, but in the end everyone else found someone to jump bones in there except for me.”

 

Kara frowned down at the table, her mind drifting to her girlfriend and their separation. She closed her eyes, and took a breath, before speaking in a tight tone.

 

“Excuse me, Lena and I haven’t jumped each other’s bones.”

 

Lucy laughed, missing the tenseness in Kara’s shoulders.

 

“Yeah I keep forgetting, you’re into all that slow-burn romance stuff. Bet you’re regretting that now that you’re sleeping alone at night. All alone… with just your thoughts and dreams of Lena for-“

 

Kara suddenly cut her off with a harsh glare.

 

“Stop it,” she bit out, before wincing at her own tone. 

 

The blonde turned her eyes back down to the bar and her shoulders slumped. Lucy blinked in surprise at the harshness in her friend’s tone, but her face immediately softened as she looked over Kara worriedly.

 

“Woah, hey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset,” the brunette said, resting her hand on the bipolar woman’s back gently.

 

Kara shudders against it, before relaxing against it and turning to look at Lucy with now red-rimmed eyes. 

 

“No, it’s not you. You just… struck a nerve I guess. I just miss her. I didn’t think it was possible to miss someone this much Lucy. I’m trying to power through but…I’m tired of my dead end job. Tired of not going anywhere. Upset, even though knew this would take time. Angry and frustrated with my useless psychiatrist who I can’t fucking talk to!”

 

Kara slammed her hand down on the table, making drinks shudder and causing the bartender to give her a dirty look. Lucy placed her own hand on the blonde’s quickly and began to speak in asofter voice.

 

“Kara, it’s ok. You know you can always talk to me about this stuff right? I know I might be ridiculous most of the time, but I’ve always got your back and I’m always here for you.”

 

The blonde sighed and replied quietly.

 

“I know that Lucy.”

 

The other woman frowned and struggled with saying something before she decided to bite the bullet.  


 

“I don’t know, Kara. It’s just that you were in such a great place when you came out of the hospital, but ever since then, you’ve become more… lost.”

 

The blonde tensed up again, a slow feeling of irritation growing in her.

 

“It’s been difficult Lucy,” she said tightly.

 

The other woman nodded understandingly, but her eyes grew even more worried.

 

“I know it has, I know Kara. But you can talk to me about it. You used to talk to me about this stuff when you were still in the hospital. And Remember when I left? You said to me, that even though you wouldn’t be with me out here, you always had my back. Well, I’m here with you now Kara, and I’ve got yours. You’re so strong Kara, and you’ve been through so much. Your such an amazing person, I don’t want to see you regress and tear down all the progress you’ve made now.”

 

The blonde felt like crying at her friend’s words, and slumped even further in her chair, feeling completely lost.

 

“I feel useless Lucy. I feel utterly useless.”

 

The brunette’s brow furrowed and she began to speak in a serious tone.

 

“Kara, I think you need to see someone. Talk to someone about this. If your meds aren’t working-“

 

The blonde rolled her eyes and threw up her arms slightly in exasperation.

 

“Why is that always it, hmm? Why is it, whenever I’m in a rough patch, it’s always ‘Let’s adjust your meds’? Maybe that isn’t always the answer? And what am I going to do, tell my psych what ’s happening with me? She doesn’t care Lucy. If I tell her, she won’t want to help me, all she’ll want to do is throw me back in the hospital.”

 

The brunette shook her head in disagreement.

 

“You don’t know that Kara.”

 

The bipolar woman huffed.

 

“I do know that! The way she looks at me, Lucy. It’s like I’m a piece of gum stuck to her shoe. And the worst part is, I’m obligated to go there! To sit every week with this woman who makes me feel like I’m worthless. I don’t have a choice.”

 

Lucy slammed her own hand down on the table, catching Kara by surprise and the making the bartender give them a really dirty look.

 

“Then go to someone else, Kara. You’re always the one saying that your health is more important than-“

 

Kara cut her off in a curt tone.

 

“Well, maybe I was wrong Luce. Maybe your freedom is more important. You just don’t get it, Luce. Neither you or Lena, really get it. When you were in that hospital, you could leave if you wanted to. It was your choice to stay. You weren’t forced to spend three years of your life stuck in a box. That choice wasn’t taken away from you.”

 

Lucy looked ready to lose her temper before she took a deep breath. Her face relaxed, and she opened her eyes and began to speak slowly.

 

“Kara, if you’d never been sent there you wouldn’t have gotten better. You wouldn’t have met me or Clark or even Lena.”

 

The blonde sighed, and her voice became equally as soft.

 

“Lucy, I love you. You know I do. I’m not regretting the time I spent there. I’m not. But… I’m terrified of being forced to be there. The idea that I could be sent back, maybe for more years is terrifying. That Lena will get to leave, and I won’t because I can’t. I can’t.”

 

Lucy looked at her with pleading eyes and reached to grip her hand tightly.

 

“Kara… you’ve got to talk with someone about this, you’ve got to handle it. Because even if you might get sent back if you do, you’ll definitely get sent back if you don’t. And regardless of anything else, this is your mental health. This is your life. I know you, and this isn’t the way you want to live it. You have so much left to do Kara. You’re a phoenix rising from the ashes girl. You’ve been through a crucible, and you’ve learnt so much. You’ve got you’re sister and Eliza. You’ve got me, Clark. You know when Maggie’s not screwing Alex’s brains out, she’d have your back in a flash. And you’ve got your absolutely stunning, amazing girlfriend. You know… the one who adores you for some weird reason? And the great thing about all these people, is we’ve seen your hell. We know you’re rock bottom and we’re still here for you. So if your psychiatrist isn’t helping you, and isn’t doing her fucking job by the sounds of it, then you need to help you. This is your life, and it’s your health. So many people would help you in a heartbeat Kara. All you have to do is ask.”

 

Kara really felt like crying now and tilted forward so she was leaning her head briefly against her friends. She knew in her heart that Lucy was right. She just couldn’t keep track and peg all the feelings that were running around in her mind by herself. Everything in her life seemed to be changing too fast, and not changing fast enough at exactly the same time. And it felt like she was given herself emotionally whiplash. One of the terrible, and great, things about knowing and understanding your own illness, Kara thought, is that you can identify what you’re going through. So you have the knowledge of how to best handle it and approach it. But that didn’t mean that she wasn’t experiencing all the chaos in full glory either. And no matter how knowledgeable and prepared she was for coping with her bipolar sometimes, frustratingly, she could feel it running away from her and slipping out of her fingers.

 

She tilted back from her friend and replied in a choked up voice.

 

“Lucy, I love you. You know that right? I just… You know what, fuck it. You’re absolutely right. And I know all of you have my back, well…everyone except Mike it seems.”

 

The brunette’s brow furrowed in confusion.

 

“Mike? What’s happening with Mike?”

 

Kara sighed, and gestured vaguely, speaking in a dejected tone.

 

“He came into the coffee shop this morning and all but fled at the sight of me.”

 

“Really? That’s weird,” Lucy said with an arched eyebrow.

 

The blonde frowned, her own confusion about the situation growing.

 

“Have you talked to him recently? Because he hasn’t answered any of my phone calls since I got out.”

 

Lucy shrugged.

 

“Well, we were never really that close Kara. I can honestly say I barely knew the guy.”

 

The bipolar woman frowned again before her thoughts turned slightly anxious and she spoke in a vulnerable voice.

 

“Why do you think he ran away? He was with these two other women and it was almost like… he was ashamed to talk to me.”

 

The lawyer sighed unhappily and patted Kara’s hand softly.

 

“Kara… I’m sorry that happened but sometimes-“

 

“Kara Danvers, as I live and breathe. Last time I saw you, you had thrown a printer through the conference room glass.”

 

The blonde’s thoughts instantly froze and her face paled. She turned slightly in her seat, to see Lucy scowling at the all too familiar and nasty face of one of Kara’s old co-worker, Dirk Armstrong. The man was a notorious slimeball at her old job, although he never did anything too atrocious towards his female coworkers in fear of getting fired, his eyes had a tendency to linger. He was also horrifically rude to interns, and up and coming journalists, often trying to force them to submit to his non-existent authority. 

 

He despised Kara with a passion. Not just as a younger woman, although that would have been insulting enough, but for the fact that she started out with no experience in journalism and as Cat Grant’s assistant, only to blow past the ‘senior’ reporter and be well on her way to being one of the most respected journalists in National City.

 

That was until she was caught plagiarising a story and had a breakdown in her boss’s office in front of the whole office. If there was one person on the planet that Kara desperately wished to never encounter again, it was Dirk Armstrong. 

 

“Excuse me, but we’re just trying to have a drink-“ Lucy tried to say in a firm tone, but was talked over like she didn’t exist. 

 

Dirk leant in between the pair and got right in Kara’s face making her rigidly uncomfortable. Not only that, she could easily smell the alcohol on his breath and if his flushed cheeks were any indication, he was good and drunk. 

 

A sinking feeling filled her stomach, but she sat resolutely in her chair refusing to budge for the man.

 

He frowned at her before a malicious grin grew on his face.

 

“You know, it’s crazy how that all went down. I mean, come on, everyone’s wanted to trash the bitch’s office at least once on their career, but you really went full out.”

 

Dirk spoke in a taunting, sing-song voice and Kara could hear the sounds of Lucy’s protests from behind his body. The blonde steeled her spine and spoke in a bland voice. Her face smooth and unblinking.

 

“Can you just leave?”

 

His lip twitched, but he continued on.

 

“I mean, first you steal a story of the web like a total dumbass. Then when the queen fired you, you flipped her desk. Then to top it off you steal her Mercedes and wrap it around a tree.”

 

He finished that sentence with a chortle, and Kara felt a hint of uncertainty grow in her chest. Her shame about her actions that day increasing.

 

“I’m not that person anymore,” she said quietly, more for herself than him.

 

Dirk let off another belly laugh, before stepping back and including a furious Lucy Lane in on the conversation for the first time.

 

“Nah, but you only got off with a slap on the wrist didn’t ya. I was just saying to Snapper the other day, I wish I could go ballistic and get away with it like you did. Crying on the stand, and flubbing off your shit by saying you’re nuts. But they probably only bought that shit because you screwed the judge. Or maybe it was your friend here-“

 

A flash of anger overtook Kara’s senses, her uncertainty burning away. The blonde sprung to her feet in defence of her friend, her lips curling into a snarl.

 

“Back the fuck off you arrogant piece of-“

 

Suddenly, Lucy’s arms wrapped around her, preventing her from stepping forward into the startled middle-aged man’s space further.

 

“Kara, no! Don’t buy into it. You can’t afford too.”

 

The blonde let out a breath and shuddered. Her anger collapsed as when she realised Lucy was right. The last thing she needed was for a report to be made that she was violent with someone. 

 

Dirk seemed to recover from his shock fast, and his eyes became wide as his face twisted into a sneer. He began to speak loudly, actively looking around the bar for spectators to the show. Kara began to flush as people took out their phones to record. 

 

“You know what, you really are one crazy bitch, aren’t you? And a crap journalist to boot. I bet the irrefutable Cat Grant only kept you around as long as she did because you were fucking her on the side. They should’ve kept you locked up in the loony bin and tossed away the key.”

 

Lucy stepped forward suddenly, well within the middle-aged journalist’s space. Her back was ramrod straight, and even though she was dressed casually, Kara found it easy to imagine her friend arguing in a court of law.

 

“Listen here fuck face. I’m a lawyer for Henshaw and Lord. That’s right, the most vicious, blood-sucking firm in the city. If you don’t leave right now, I swear to god and on the grave of my mother, I will destroy you in any way that I can.”

 

Dirk began to splutter, even though he was clearly intimidated by the much shorter woman’s commanding presence.

 

“You can’t do shit to me! This is free speech!”

 

Lucy tilted her head, and an amused smirk played at the corner of her mouth.

 

“No? Well, that man over there has been recording this whole incident on his phone and I’m about to pay him a ridiculous amount of money for the footage.”

 

His eyes widened slightly, but he continued to bluster.

 

“That supposed to frighten me?”

 

Lucy’s grin widened and began to look eerily like a Cheshire cat.

 

“It should, when I set up a meeting with Cat Grant, and show her how an employee of her’s is so disgracefully disparaging her in public.”

 

The rippled of laughter ran through the crowd that had formed at Lucy’s obvious win. Dirk’s face turned an alarming shade of red, even as he stepped away from the shorter woman and began to push his way through the gathered group of people.

 

“Fucking bitch!” He shouted over his shoulder.

 

Lucy let out a loud laugh and cupped her hands around her mouth to protect her voice.

 

“Don’t you know it, buddy. Just remember when you get fired, that I’m the bitch who made it happen.”

 

The people in the bar let out a small cheer before they began to float back to their own tables and seats. The blonde sat back down, slightly in shock about what just happened while Lucy quickly approached a few of the recorders for copies of their videos. 

 

The bipolar woman felt the tightness in her chest constrict even further, and the bar suddenly seems far too loud for her senses. She didn’t even notice that Lucy had returned until the concerned lawyer placed a hand on her elbow. 

 

“Kara, are you ok?” She asked with acreased brow.

 

“Not really,” The blonde replied in a bland voice that made her friend frown with worry.

 

“I’m sorry, that was definitely the last thing you needed to happen to you today,” she said in an apologetic tone

 

“Yeah….” Kara replied distantly, her ears beginning to ring.

 

“Kara-“

 

The other woman cut her off quickly by standing to her feet fast.

 

“Lucy, I’ve got to go,” she said curtly.

 

“But-“

 

“Thank you, for what you did. You had my back,” she said sincerely while picking up her bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

 

“That’s what I’m here for, but Kara-“

 

The blonde left the bar fast, the walls quickly becoming oppressive. Once she’d broken out into the street, the pounding of her heart seemed even louder in the quiet outside but at least she could take a few deep breaths. Not wanting Lucy to follow her, she walked off as fast as possible. Complete aimless into the night, her thoughts still churning over the encounter she had just had in the bar.

 

So that was what people really thought of her at her old work?

 

No wonder no-one was hiring her.

 

Logically she knew that Dirk was a bottom feeder cretin, who never managed to launch his career further than the odd conspiracy theory, and right-wing propaganda. So she shouldn’t take his words as truth. But still, any morose feelings about getting a job in journalism again had been increased tenfold. The hand on her heart that had been increasing pressure slowly for the past few weeks, suddenly tightened tenfold.

 

After walking a few blocks in what she thought was an aimless direction, she found herself standing outside the familiar skyscraper she worked at. The LutherCorp logo shone intimidatingly down at her, and Kara braced herself a nearby column of concrete, staring up at the top floors of the building.

 

What would it have been like, she wondered not for the first time. If in a different world her beautiful, kind Lena had been CEO of the company. Thriving, instead of drowning under its weight. Then one day, she’d managed to score an interview with her and that was how they met. A far more romantic version of reality, as opposed to the one they found themselves in. A far better world and the one that Lena deserved. 

 

The version of Kara that she deserved.

 

The blonde pressed her hand against her head and tried to calm herself down.

 

She knew now. Kara knew that something was wrong. The rapid firing of her thoughts, the ups and downs in her moods just in a single day. Her anxiety and paranoia increasing. The exhaustion. 

 

Jonn and her had talked about this before she left, to prepare her for the possibility that at one stage she may experience rapid cycling with her bipolar. But while she had been warned, the sensation of experience so many different emotions, one immediately behind the other was totally overwhelming. 

 

Kara pressed herself further back against the pillar and slumped to the ground, tears beginning to fall down her face.

 

She needed help, she knew she needed help.

 

But all she wanted at that moment was to see Lena. 

 

She could call her, she should call her. Just to hear her voice. 

 

That would be enough. 

 

Kara’s racing thoughts began to run wild. But Alex and Maggie would surely be asleep by now. If she just snuck in through the door quietly…

 

Well, she knew where her sister kept her bike keys.

 

* * *

 

Kara took off her borrowed helmet and unzipped her jacket. The growing feelings of guilt about stealing her sister’s motorbike increasing as she felt another buzz from her phone indicating a text from Alex. She pulled it out of her pocket and stared down at it briefly, before turning it off. 

 

The blonde took a deep breath and began to walk towards the familiar fading building. Even while her guilt and sense of anxiety increased, she couldn’t help but feel a slight edge of relief. 

 

A feeling of comfort of returning to a place that had been her home for three years. That she’d been so eager to leave, but now couldn’t help but wish to be back. She shouldn’t have down what she did, she knew that. Kara knew she would be in a huge amount of trouble for what she did.

 

But she didn’t care.

 

The blonde walked through the entrance of the building, the little bell ringing with her arrival. Winn looked up at the sound from his desk and his mouth gapped with surprise and confusion, his eyes roving to the wall clock before a smile graced his features. 

 

“Kara! It’s so good to see you! I didn’t know you were coming today.”

 

The blonde gave the other man a strained smile, and the nurse’s gaze darted from her red-rimmed eyes to the helmet she was carrying under her arm.

 

“Kara…did you drive here?”

 

She jutted her chin forward in defiance.

 

“Yeah… so?”

 

His smile wavered but remained just the same.

 

“Oh, ok…”

 

A flash of irritation grew in her chest, and she narrowed her eyes.

 

“Can you just tell Lena that I’m here?” The blonde said defensively.

 

Winn’s eyes widened slightly.

 

“It’s really early Kara, does she know you’re coming?” He asked with confusion.

 

Kara’s nostrils flared, and the edges of her exhaustion began to grow behind her eyes.

 

“Can you just tell her?” She snapped out.

 

The nurse took half a step back at her aggressive tone, and she immediately chastised herself internally. 

 

The blonde closed her eyes briefly, before continuing in a softer tone.

 

“Please?” Her voice wavering and her eyes pleading.

 

Winn hesitated again, before nodding.

 

“Come on then, you can sit in the visitation room while I get her.”

 

The bipolar woman followed the curly-haired man gratefully and all but collapsed in a seat once she arrived. Winn gave her one final worried look over his shoulder, before exiting through the door towards the room. As the sounds of his footsteps faded, Kara looked around the room a blinked as the entering sunlight starting the enter the room hit her eyes. She frowned, and her tired brain scrambled. Kara couldn’t remember the exact time she left the city, but if the sun was just starting to rise now it couldn’t be more than seven in the morning.

 

As evident by the yawning and confused Lena who wandered into the room.

 

“Kara? What are you-“

 

The brunette’s words were cut off, as the blonde jumped to her feet at the site of her girlfriend and slammed into her, hugging her hard. The ex CEO was obviously surprised but wrapped her arms around the other woman just as tight. Kara couldn’t help the tears that began to fall from her eyes and onto her girlfriend’s shoulder. 

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she cried gently and Lena began to stroke her fingers through her hair softly.

 

“Oh Kara, what’s wrong? What happened? Tell me what’s wrong,” Lena said, the distress clear in her voice, even as she gripped Kara tighter with her other arm.

 

The blonde breath began to catch, as her sobs increased. She pressed even closer to Lena, and her shoulders started to shudder. The exhaustion she felt began to reach it's peak, even as her heart started to pound in her chest.

 

She felt like she couldn’t breathe, and the more the walls felt like they were closing in, the closer she wanted to be to Lena. Her grip became almost painfully tight, but even though she could practically hear the other woman wince, she couldn’t bear to let go.

 

“Kara, darling it’s ok. You’re safe. I’ve got you,” Lena said in a soothing voice.

 

The blonde thoughts began to race, and her breathing became even more shallow.

 

“Lena…,” she choked out, and her girlfriend’s hug tightened slightly.

 

“What do I do?” The brunette said frantically to someone else.

 

Suddenly, a familiar and deep voice crashed through the fog that was descending on the blonde’s brain.

 

“Kara, you’re having a panic attack. I need you to breathe for me.”

 

She tried, she really did but her thoughts felt like wasps behind her eyes, desperate to escape. Kara between gulps of air started muttering against Lena’s shoulder, the brunette straining to hear.”

 

“I can’t… I needed… I spent three years in a here… teaching me the tools to handle this… No matter how much I’ve learned, I’m right back at the same place I started."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, things are certainly going haywire for Kara at the moment. Let me know what you think in the comments below :)


	21. She Was Brave And Strong And Broken All At Once

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here's another chapter peeps. I've pushed this one ahead of my other story for the moment. I'm on some new medication and I swear it's giving me creative blocks... Anyway, I hope you enjoy :)

_“Hi, you’ve reached the phone of Kara Danvers. I can’t come to the phone right now but if you leave me a message I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Unless you’re Alex, then just text me the grocery list.”_

 

For the third time that day Lena hung up the phone with a sigh, the headache that seemed to have been building all week reaching new levels, stabbing through the front of her head as she rubbed at the spot furiously.

 

“Still no answer?” Jack asked from his spot, leaning against the doorway.

 

Lena turned to him and shook her head, her eyes despondent.

 

A scowl grew on his face and he crossed his arms over his chest.

 

Irritation grew in Lena’s chest, coupled with the sense of exhaustion that she had felt for the last week, caused her to arch an eyebrow and question her friend with a biting voice.

 

“Please, don’t hold back whatever it is you want to say just to spare my feelings.”

 

His eyes flashed.

 

“Well, isn’t that big of her,” he said with a growl. “Nice to know she cares so much about you.”

 

“Jack,” Lena said in a weary voice. “Don’t”

 

The bearded man took a step forward.

 

“Why not? Hmm? She turns up here, freaking you out with worry, then doesn’t even bother to return your phone calls to let you know what the fuck is going on? Meanwhile, you get to sit here biting your nails, hindering your recovery because you’re too busy worrying about how she’s doing and how she’s feeling. I know you don’t want to hear this Lena, but it’s just downright fucking selfish.”

 

The brunette turned her eyes to his with a snap and spoke in an incredulous voice.

 

“For Christ’s sake, Jack. And this is supposed to make me feel better?”

 

The tall man flung his hands into the air and looked at her like she was crazy.

 

“No, it’s supposed to make you mad! You know, the way you should be feeling right now? Instead if moping around somehow convincing yourself that in some way this must be your fucking fault. How you can even be at fault for something when you don’t even know what that something is beyond me-”

 

The green-eyed woman stood to her feet and cut him off by stepping into his personal space. Her hands quivering with fury, she spoke in a cold tone.

 

“Jack. Don’t presume to know anything about my relationship with Kara. Or how I’m handling it.”

 

The bearded man scoffed, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes.

 

“Why? Because Clark and I haven’t been the ones trying to keep it together for you for the last week? She’s disappeared off the face of the earth-“

 

She cut him off again with a harsh tone.

 

“Like I don’t already know that Jack. Good Lord, you want to know how I feel? I feel worried. Ok, out of my mind worried. I don’t know where she is, I don’t know what’s happening to her. Maggie and Jonn won’t tell me anything. For all I know, my girlfriend, the love of my fucking life, could be dying in a ditch somewhere. It’s taking every ounce of my self-control not to check myself out of this facility right now, and the only reason I haven’t done it is that I know that Kara wouldn’t want me too.”

 

He shook his head but spoke in a softer, pleading voice.

 

“Why are you adhering to her wishes when she can’t even be bothered to call you back?”

 

Lena sighed and rubbed the aching spot on her head.

 

“Jack, she turned up here having presumably driven all night in the midst of a panic attack. I think the least I can do right now is give her the space she obviously wants.”

 

He gave her a pitying look, that sent a renewed stab of annoyance right through Lena’s body.

 

“Don’t pretend this isn’t killing you, Lena.”

 

“Jack, I love her and I’m worried about her. But I trust her too. If she wants to talk to me… well, I’m not going anywhere.”

 

He leant back, and looked her up and down, making the annoyed feeling Lena had to grow tenfold, and causing her teeth to grind.

 

“You’re really that desperate for love that you’ll let her treat you like this?”

 

At that she snapped, pointing her finger in the direction of the door while her face turned white with fury.

 

“Get out Jack. Get out, RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”

 

“What the hell is going on in here?”

 

Clark had appeared at the doorway, a highly confused look on his face as he glanced between the angry and flustered pair. Jack had opened his mouth to respond, but thought better of it and turned, pushing past the other man and stomping down the hallway. Clark followed his movement with a wary look, before turning his eyes back to Lena. She had refolded her arms and was now giving him a defiant look.

 

“What was that all about?” He asked softly, tilting his head towards Jack’s retreating back.

 

The other woman’s eyelid twitched before her lips pursed and she waved away the man’s question dismissively. 

 

 

“Gah, I can’t handle all this right now. I’ve got enough to worry about.”

 

He sighed and took a small step into the room.

 

“Look, Lena-“

 

She turned her back to him when he started to speak, and cut him off with a blunt tone.

 

“Clark, just go. For once, I don’t feel like having a long and lingering conversation about my feelings.”

 

The tall man hovered for a second at the door, before turning without another word and exiting the room. Lena felt guilty for a moment before her headache sent another sharp stab through the front of her head. She stood and closed the door with a huff. The green-eyed woman hardly expected anyone else to try and talk to her once the news of her foul mood drifted throughout the ward, but all the same, she wanted to make her feelings clear regarding her feelings on visitors.

 

The ex CEO felt like screaming and crying all at the same time. The worst part about Jack’s harsh words was that she **was** angry. Angry with Maggie and Jonn for not telling her anything and angry at Kara most of all.

 

For putting her in this God damn situation, awaiting just one bloody phone call to let her know that the blonde was ok. Or not ok.

 

Or anything.

 

Lena fell back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, trying to sort through her muddled thoughts.

 

* * *

 

 

“Fancy running into you here sad sack. Done crying about the puppy?”

 

Lena groaned internally at the all too familiar snarky voice, dripping with its usual disdain. She had avoided lunch that day, choosing to spend the time in her room staring at her ceiling instead and redialing Kara’s phone number three more times. Each time feeling more dejected than the last. As the afternoon pressed on, and Jack, Clark and Lena spent the whole of group avoiding each other’s eyes, the brunette woman had decided to retreat to the library hoping to distract herself. Of course, Sam had followed the lack of exchange between the three other patients with a keen interest at group, and for the first time since Lena had arrived at Krypton had contributed quite willingly to the discussion to keep the ball rolling. The green-eyed woman had a suspicion the other woman had only done so so she could watch the awkwardness between her ward mates grow with every passing second, but there wasn’t much the ex CEO could do about it unless she wanted to alert the already observant Maggie about the problem. 

 

But of course, the news of Kara’s dramatic arrival and subsequent departure last week had reached all the ears in the ward, and Sam was also no doubt well aware of the fact that Lena hadn’t heard any news since. Gossip travelled faster within these halls then they did at Lena’s old all girl’s boarding school. 

 

It made her wonder why Kara and she were silly enough to think they could have kept their burgeoning romance a secret in the first place. 

 

The nostalgic thoughts of her girlfriend soured in her head instantly, as she recalled the repeated attempts to contact her. 

 

Lena turned her gaze from the page she had distractedly tried to read five times already and gave Sam a poisonous look. Having no desire to be the mouse to Sam’s cat today. 

 

“What would you know about anything? Lingering around the ward, preying on the slightest hint of sadness. Having the time of your fucking life are you?”

 

If Lena didn’t know better, she could have sworn a look almost akin to a wince passed over the other woman’s face. But it was quickly replaced with a trademark smirk. Testing Lena’s already extremely limited patience, the other woman decided to take a seat next to her and gave her knee a light nudge with her own.

 

“Ouch, the princess can bite. Who would have thought it.”

 

Lena’s fingers twitched closed into fists, and she responded in a tight voice.

 

“What do you want Samantha.”

 

Sam smiled at the use of her full name, and cross her arms behind her head and began to stare into the distance with a contemplative look.

 

“Samantha, goodness. No one has called me that in a long time… Regardless, I was just coming to see if they finally restocked the library with adult books since Kara and her suggestion box left…”

 

Lena gave her a withering look, filled completely with the disbelief at Sam’s words.

 

“Sure. I’ll believe that the day Jonn sprouts fairy wings, and Clark becomes a pessimist.”

 

The other woman made a contemplative face and stroked her chin, before tilting her head and eyeing Lena with amusement.

 

“Amazingly out of those two scenarios, the first is more likely.”

 

The green-eyed woman could feel her temper on the verge of snapping and clenched her fists even harder.

 

“Just to reiterate, what do you want and why are you sitting next to me? I don’t think I’ve ever exhibited fond behaviour for you before, so I don’t know what gave you the impression that I wanted you sitting next to me.”

 

Sam shrugged, and her amused smirk grew while her eyes filled with innocence.

 

“What are you talking about? We chatted the other week!” She said in a sing-song voice.

 

Lena all but growled.

 

“You make it sound like a fucking coffee date. If I recall, it was more like a really awkward encounter.”

 

The other woman shrugged.

 

“All the same, I like that you shoot straight. And that you’re not totally stupid. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Clark is all well and good if a pang of loneliness finally pierces my heart… But his infallible sense of hope has a way of grating on the nerves. You strike me as the more realistic sort. Don’t get me wrong, for a minute there I thought Goldilocks had rubbed off on you, but you seem to have retained some sense of normalcy. Still, you seem to spend an inordinate amount of time mooning over the girl.”

 

The green-eyed woman turned to the other woman with a glare, but all she received was an unimpressed look in return that surprisingly took some of the wind out of her sails. Lena felt her anger deflate somewhat, only to be replaced by a well of sadness in its place.

 

“And what would you know about it?” She asked softly.

 

Sam rolled her eyes and waved her hand.

 

“Oh please, the hallways were abuzz with the news that the puppy had returned with her tail between her legs.”

 

Lena’s irritation rose again, and the glare returned to her face.

 

“It doesn’t do well to speak about what you don’t know,” she bit out.

 

Sam eyed her speculatively, her eyes refilling with interest and amusement. Her stare made Lena feel a bit like a specimen underneath a microscope, and she couldn’t help but squirm slightly in her seat. The other woman finally blinked, and let out a long and low hum.

 

“Hmmm… interesting.”

 

“Interesting what?” Lena said sharply, still uncomfortable under the other woman’s eyes.

 

Sam let out a hearty laugh, throwing her head back in amusement.

 

“Jesus, you’re certainly taking the bait today aren’t you,” she said with a grin.

 

Lena had enough and jumped to her feet while her face turned red.

 

“Say what you have to say or get out Sam,” she said in a shaky voice, her head throbbing so hard it felt like a melon about to burst open. 

 

The other woman didn’t move from her seat, but her gaze turned more serious and interested. She raised her hands and gestured for Lena to sit back down.

 

“All right, calm down a notch. No point getting into an argument with a sociopath. Didn’t anyone ever tell you that?” She said in a self-deprecating voice.

 

The ex CEO took a deep breath, fighting within herself to leave or stay. She ultimately decided it would probably give Sam more pleasure if she fled, so she retook her seat. Much to her annoyance, the other woman’s grin cracked even wider as she did so. 

 

“Why do you keep doing that?” Lena said, trying to distract the other woman.

 

“Doing what?” Sam asked with an arched eyebrow.

 

“Calling yourself a sociopath?” Lena said distractedly, reaching down to pick up her book that had fallen to the door when she stood.

 

The other woman stared at her silently for a minute, before shrugging again with a neutral face.

 

“Why not? It’s what everyone has decided I am.”

 

Lena tilted her head and frowned.

 

“Technically you’ve been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.”

 

Sam let out a humourless laugh.

 

“Which is just the politically correct version of a sociopath,” she said sarcastically.

 

Lena stared at her quietly for a minute, and the other woman quickly grew uncomfortable under the scrutiny, scoring heavily.

 

“Jesus, please don’t look at me with pity eyes. I thought you were smarter than to give me the pity eyes.”

 

Lena shook her head, dismissing the other woman’s poisonous words.

 

“I just don’t understand you,” she said with confusion.

 

Sam gave looked at her like she was an idiot, her scowl deepening even further.

 

“Why would you want to?”

 

Lena huffed and shrugged.

 

“I don’t, I just… You keep seeking me out,” she responded in an annoyed voice.

 

Sam laughed cruelly this time, giving Lena a probing once overlook.

 

“High and mighty, aren’t we?” She said with a lecherous smirk.

 

Lena’s temper snapped, and she turned to face the other woman with her arms raised in surrender. 

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake. You keep playing into the stereotype around what you are, while simultaneouslydenying it.”

 

The other woman frowned, and her expression became blank once again.

 

“Maybe I just like watching you squirm.”

 

Lena let out an annoyed breath and tapped her knee.

 

“See, that’s what I mean. What the fuck am I supposed to make of that?”

 

The other woman didn’t speak for a minute, but pursed her lips and stared at Lena hard. She seemed to have a wave of different emotions crossing her face, and opened her mouth several times to speak, only to close it every time. Finally, her face rested on contemplative and she spoke conversationally.

 

“What do you know about people diagnosed like me, Lena?”

 

The brunette blinked under the strange question and shook her head as a negative.

 

“Not much, aside from the fact that I’m pretty sure half the members of my old board of directors had what you have.”

 

Sam let out a breath of air, but a nerve in her eyelid twitched while she raked her nails over the skin of her forearms.

 

“Ahh, but if you don’t know anything about what I have, how can you possibly be diagnosing half your board with what I have? How would you feel if people started running around saying that random people who might be a bit sad are depressed? Or people who have been a bit up and down have bipolar? Or maybe people who are just a bit different are schizophrenic?”

 

Lena didn’t have anything to say. Sam’s words left a surprising sense of shame behind, and she considered for the first time that if it was any other type of mental illness, Lena would be understandably upset if random people started throwing around the terms willy-nilly to explain any behaviour they didn’t perceive as ‘normal’. She had never even considered that doing the same with Sam’s legitimately diagnosed illness could maybe cause the same level of hurt in the other woman.

 

The other brunette raised her eyebrow at Lena’s silence and crossed her arms over her chest with a cool glance.

 

“No thoughts on the matter? Well, the common thought regarding people with my ‘disorder’ is that we should be locked up in prison and have the key thrown away.”

 

“I don’t-“

 

Lena tried to speak, only to be cut off by Sam dismissively.

 

“Then, of course, they move in with all this new age bullshit. About treatment and talk therapy, and ‘managing my aggression’. Chuck in a bit of medication and voila, suddenly I’m this fucking hospital’s charity test case. Prove that people like me, can be rehabilitated,” Sam said bitingly, her hands moving agitatedly.

 

Lena sighed and rubbed the aching spot on her head for the hundredth time that day. 

 

“Sam, why are you telling me this?”

 

The other woman didn’t respond for a minute, but the twitching in her fingers began to subside and she let out a deep and heavy breath.

 

“Why indeed Princess, why indeed,” she said quietly and sadly, before standing to her feet, her eyes lost in thought. She started to walk away quickly, without another word and Lena scrambled to her feet, for some reason feeling an undefined sense of guilt.

 

“Sam, wait,” she said quickly, catching up to the other woman.

 

The other brunette turned around to face her with a poisonous glare, and a snarl on her face.   


 

“What do you want?” She bit out with venom.

 

Lena struggled with her words for a minute, before letting out a sigh and turning her eyes downwards.

 

“Look, I’m not saying… I don’t know what I’m saying.”

 

Sam huffed humourlessly and dismissed Lena’s words with a wave of her hand.

 

“Then best to keep your mouth shut,” she said easily, before turning to walk away again.

 

“Sam-“ Lena tried to say, grabbing the other woman’s attention with a hand on her elbow.

 

The taller woman cuts her off quickly, by yanking her arm away from Lena’s and glaring at her with murder in her eyes.

 

“Keep your hand off me,” she said tightly, making Lena take half a step back and raise her hands in defence.

 

“I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know if I could consider you a friend, or even… well, anything. But if you do want to talk… well, I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Sam stared at her quietly for a few minutes, her face blank, before she blurted out a sentence.

 

“She doesn’t want to talk to you, because she’s ashamed.”

 

Lena blinked rapidly.

 

“I’m sorry?” The green-eyed woman said, confused.

 

Sam rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

 

“I said, the reason she doesn’t want to talk to you, is because she feels ashamed. She had a breakdown, and she ran to you like a baby. Now she feels like shit that she put you in that position. If I know anything about the puppy from being stuck with her this long, she’s probably going through some bullshit internal struggle about ‘becoming worthy of you again’”

 

Lena stared at the other woman, Sam’s surprisingly insightful words settling in her head. She looked over at the taller woman, who was rapidly becoming uncomfortable under her gaze. Sam fidgeted on her feet, before turning to leave quickly. 

 

The brunette tried to call after her.  


“Sam, I-“

 

The taller woman gestured the other woman away and kept walking.

 

“Don’t. Just… don’t.”

 

* * *

 

“How’s she doing?” Lena asked anxiously.

 

Maggie's head tilted slightly, and she spoke in a soft voice.

 

“Still not talking to you, huh?” 

 

The green-eyed woman’s eyes flickered to the floor and she shook her head.

 

“No. She won’t answer any of my phone calls. I don’t really know… what to do. I mean how am I supposed to react when she won’t… What do I do? Kara turned up here at the crack of dawn, in the middle of a panic attack. Jonn whisked her away to his office as soon as she calmed down, and then Alex came to get her. Now nobody will tell me anything and it’s been a week. Maggie, I’ve been asking you every day since then what’s been going on. Please, please tell me. I need to know if Kara’s ok.”

 

Her psychologist’s eyes grew clouded and she seemed to struggle with something internally before she closed her notebook with a sigh and lowered her pen.

 

“You have to understand the position I’m in here Lena. The ethics have always been murky around this whole situation. Not only did you and Kara meet as patients in the same facility, but now me, as your psychologist, is dating your girlfriend’s sister. I also treated Kara after a fashion.”

 

“We’ve never cared about that before,” Lena interjected frustratingly. “Everyone understood the situation-“

 

“She asked me not to talk about her with you, Lena,” The other woman cut in with an apologetic look.

 

Lena’s mouth gapped a bit in shock, and she paled slightly.

 

“Kara…. Kara asked you not… not to tell me how she’s doing?” The ex CEO whispered softly, her brow furrowing in confusion.

 

The brunette’s thoughts turned inwards, and a flash of insecurity, something she hadn’t felt in weeks, grew within her chest. 

 

Her girlfriend didn’t want to talk with her. She didn’t want Lena to know what was going on with her. Kara had shown up here, in a state of terror almost causing the green-eyed woman herself to become a nervous wreck with worry. Lena didn’t have any idea what was going on, her mind darting to more and more convoluted and irrational scenarios, all the while Clark and Jack had tried to keep her calm. The brunette was completely desperate for information and wracked with worry imagining that the only reason no one had told her anything was that Kara was on her deathbed and people didn’t want to freak her out.

 

Only to discover, that Kara had deliberately decided not to contact her.

 

Lena felt her flash of insecurity change to anger.

 

Then back to insecurity.

 

And finally, it turned back to supreme worry.

 

“Can you… can you at least tell me if she’s ok?” Lena asked weakly, her eyes filling with unshed tears.

 

Maggie looked at her pityingly, and the brunette felt her anger grow again.

Anger at Kara, for putting her in a situation where she was beginning for scraps of information on her blonde girlfriend when it should be the bipolar woman herself telling her what the hell was going on. Anger at herself, for whatever she had done to make her girlfriend feel like she couldn’t talk to her.

 

Maggie took a deep breath, and let out a sigh.

 

“She’s doing as well as she can be Lena. It was, a bit of a rollercoaster there for a minute but she’s recovering.”

 

“Recovering from what?” The brunette snapped. “What happened? Why did she drive herself here in the middle of the night, on the verge of a breakdown just to see me? Why doesn’t she want to see me now? What the hell is going on Maggie!” Lena all but shouted, jumping to her feet.

 

The psychologist looked at her with slight alarm, before speaking slowly.

 

“Lena, I need you to take a deep breath and sit back down, ok? Please.”

 

The brunette struggled internally for half a minute, before acquiescing and doing as she was asked.

 

She had only sat for half a second before her tears finally started to fall.

 

“Maggie, I’m going crazy here. This isn’t like Kara. She doesn’t just… fall off the face of the earth! Can you at least tell me why she doesn’t want me to know what’s going on?”

 

The psychologist nudged a box of tissues across the table before mouth twisted, and she began to tap the armrest of her seat, before reaching into her pocket to pull out her mobile phone.

 

“Hang on a minute,” she said distractedly, before starting to rapidly text someone.

 

The pair waited a few minutes before a return text dinged. Lena furrowed her brow in confusion when Maggie’s lips pursed at whatever she read and began to type back furiously. Another few seconds passed before a text came through, and the therapists face relaxed.

 

The Latina woman handed a confused Lena the phone, and the ex CEO held it uncertainly, unsure of what she was supposed to do.

 

Suddenly, the mobile started to ring, startling the brunette. She looked down and saw the name Alex flash on the screen. The green-eyed woman looked back up at the psychologist who had turned back down to her notepad and had started to write again.

 

“You gonna answer that or what?” The psychologist said distractedly.

 

Lena arched an eyebrow, now thoroughly confused, but pressed the green button anyway and held the phone up to her ear.

 

“Errr… hello?”

 

There was a pause on the other end of the line before a tired sounding voice answered.

 

_“Hi, Lena.”_

 

The brunette felt an instant rush of relief at hearing Kara’s voice, only to be replaced by a swell of anger and hurt.

 

“Kara,” she said furiously. “What the hell is going on?”

 

_“Lena, I’m-“_

 

The brunette’s worry and happiness at finally hearing her girlfriend’s voice disappeared in a flash of rage. 

 

“No, you don’t get to say anything. Right now it’s my turn,” Lena answered, cutting the blonde off furiously.

 

She took a deep breath, before speaking again in a slower voice.

 

“Do you have any idea… what you put me through for three weeks? You show up here, at seven in the morning, crying and panicking. Then you disappear on me, and nobody tells me anything! You haven’t been returning my calls. For Christ's sake, you asked Maggie not to tell me anything! How do you think that makes me feel, Kara? I’m your girlfriend, we’ve been through so much together. Why won’t you tell me what the hell is going on? Do you… Look, I’ve been trying to restrain myself from not jumping to conclusions here, but-“

 

Kara suddenly cut her off. 

 

_“It wasn’t you Lena. God, I swear it wasn’t you. I was trying to…. I was ashamed. I was ashamed of myself. I couldn’t… I couldn’t talk to you after what I did.”_

 

Lena frowned in confusion.

 

“What do you mean, what you did?”

 

Kara let out a sigh and spoke so quietly into the phone Lena had to strain her ears to hear her.

 

_“Turning up, like a complete lunatic and collapsing in your arms.”_

 

Lena didn’t know how to respond for a minute, her feelings towards her girlfriend’s behaviour becoming rapidly more tangled. Finally, she let out a long sigh of her own.

 

“Kara… how many times… I don’t care that you came here, I care that no-one told me why. I care that you didn’t tell me why. Because I love you.” 

 

The blonde responded in an earnest and desperate voice. 

 

_“I can’t keep relying on you as my crutch Lena. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet. Isn’t it ironic, that we thought all this time that you would be the one who would have this problem, but in the end it’s me.”_

 

Lena huffed in annoyance.

 

“Kara, you don’t have a problem. You needing to lean on me isn’t a bad thing.”

 

The bipolar woman wasn’t giving in.

 

_“It is when you’re my last line of defence. If I wake up every morning wishing you were next to me. If I go to work completely unfocused because I haven’t heard your voice. It’s ridiculous Lena. And hypocritical. There I was, giving you speeches about you by yourself being enough when I don’t even think that about myself.”_

 

“Kara-“

 

_“I’m-“_

 

They had both spoken to each other and waited in an awkward silence before Kara let out a soft laugh the sound still making Lena, as mad as she was, smile.

 

“You go first,” Lena said softly.

 

There was a pause while Car obviously gathered her thoughts.

 

_“Lena, it’s been hell since I got out. I can’t… I feel all alone out here. Only it’s worse, because I know I’m not. I know I have so many people behind me but I can’t help but feel like I’m drowning. And I am ashamed of myself because I have so much support and I still feel this way. I’ve spent three years preparing for this and I still can’t handle this. What does that say about me?”_

 

Lena shook her head, and a well of sympathy grew in her chest.

 

“It says you’re human Kara. It says you still need help. But more than anything, it says don’t give up.”

 

_“I’m not… I just need to try a different approach.”_

 

The brunette felt a stab of hurt through her heart.

 

“And that approach includes not talking to me?” She said weakly.

 

Kara rushed to reassure her.

 

_“No, of course not. I love you,”_ she said earnestly and with feeling.

 

“Then why have you been blocking me out, Kara. I know I can’t fix everything, but I can help. Even in here, I can help. I love you, I’m here for you. You scared me, Kara. I didn’t know if… I didn’t know what was happening to you and nobody was telling me anything. Why wouldn’t you want me to know?”

 

_“Because I was scared. And I needed to be in a better place, to have a game plan before I contacted you.”_

 

Lena let out a frustrated groan.

 

“I could have helped you, Kara. I want to help you. How would you feel if the situations were reversed? How did you feel when I blocked you out and didn’t tell you how I was feeling.”

 

_“I know… I’m sorry,”_ Kara said sadly.

 

Lena let out a breath and closed her eyes letting a pause grow between them for a few minutes. 

 

Finally, she spoke in a gentle voice.

 

“Kara, if this is going to work we can’t keep reverting back to these bad relationship habits when things get really tough. You came to me, in the middle of the night, panicked out of your mind for a reason. Why did you come to me?”

 

_“Because you make me feel safe,”_ Kara said with quiet desperation.

 

It warmed Lena’s heart, but not enough to ease the hurt she was still feeling.

 

“Then why did you run away from that Kara.”

 

The blonde let out an incredulous laugh.

 

_“Lena, I had just stolen my sister’s bike to come and see you. And I’m not legally allowed to drive. I was already on thin ice with my psychiatrist, how do you think she would have reacted to finding out what I did?”_

 

“How did she react?” Lena couldn’t help but ask.

 

_“I don’t know, I’ve been reassigned to someone else.”_

 

The brunette blinked at the new information.

 

“You have?”

 

_“I’m pretty sure Jonn had a…. err… strong word with the DA’s office. I'm with this new guy now. He’s nice, very academic and brainy. But I like him, and I feel like I can talk to him.”_

 

The green-eyed woman felt a sense of deep satisfaction and happiness that her girlfriend had finally gotten a seemingly competent doctor. 

 

“That’s great Kara! Did anything else happen because of what you did?”

 

Kara paused and replied slowly.

 

_“Nothing. And don’t ask me how, because I don’t know. I was terrified, Lena. I couldn’t stand another minute without seeing you, but I knew there would be serious consequences. The law isn’t very sensitive or understanding when it comes to these matters. Mental health problems are treated as an excuse to get out of real jail time. But, for some reason, nobody particularly felt like asking too many questions about why Jonn of all people suddenly demanded that an ex-patient of his get a new court-appointed psychiatrist. And nobody said anything about the bike.”_

 

Lena frowned in confusion but accepted the blonde’s words. Another silence grew between them and this time the awkwardness didn’t disappear. 

 

“Well that, worked out perfectly….” Lena replied slowly.

 

The bipolar woman let out a breath and began to speak sadly.

 

_“Lena, I needed…”_

 

The brunette interrupted the blonde, her eyes unwillingly filling with tears of exhaustion and sadness at the whole situation. 

 

“You hurt me, Kara. And I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through, but you really hurt me. I shouldn’t have to wait to finally get a phone call from you because, I’m presuming, Maggie, badgered Alex to badger you to do it. That’s just… insane.”

 

Kara let out a laugh, and Lena frowned.

 

“Don’t laugh,” she snapped, making Kara make an apologetic noise.

 

_“I’m sorry. That wasn’t funny. I’ve just… I’ve been so busy thinking about coming to you with the solution to the situation, I forgot that you’d want to be part of it.”_

 

Lena groaned.

 

“How can you forget that? Jesus Kara, we’ve been through enough together.”

 

_“I know Lena. I’m sorry. I promise, nothing like this will ever happen again,”_ she said earnestly.

 

Lena took a deep breath but shunted her lingering feelings of resentment to the side.

 

“…Are you ok now?” She asked worriedly.

 

Kara laughed humourlessly.

 

_“I’m getting there. It’s only been a week.”_

 

“What can I do?” Lena asked, determined.

 

_“Look after yourself. Don’t worry about me.”_

 

The brunette rolled her eyes.

 

“Was that really supposed to work?” She responded sarcastically.

 

_“It was worth a shot,”_ Kara replied with a hint of amusement in her voice. 

 

Another pause passed between them before the blonde spoke again with a gentle voice.

 

_“Hey… I mean it though. How are you doing? I mean, besides…”_

 

Lena arched an eyebrow.

 

“Freaking out about you?”

 

_“…yeah,” t_ he bipolar woman responded awkwardly.

 

Lena couldn’t help but laugh slightly herself at her girlfriend’s guilty tone. She crossed her legs and thought for a minute before she responded.

 

“I’m doing good, I guess. I feel better. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like myself.”

 

_“Discovering who you are?”_ Kara said happily.

 

“Yeah. Trying to anyway,” the ex CEO replied with a small smile.

 

Another silence grew between them, becoming just as awkward as the previous ones had been. Lena finally let out a soft sigh and rubbed the point of her head that had been throbbing all day.

 

“I’m glad that things are going well for you.”

 

Kara didn’t respond for a minute, but when she did it was in a small and slightly broken voice.

 

_“Are we… are we going to be ok?”_

 

The brunette paused, before speaking neutrally.

 

“If that’s what you want Kara. What do you want.”

 

The bipolar woman began to speak fast and with enthusiasm.  


_“I want to be better out here. I want things to move forward for me. I want to pass these psych evals so I can move out of my sister’s apartment. I want to get a better job so I can afford to move out of my sister’s apartment. I want to be better for you. I want to be better for me. I don’t want to lose you. And I’m sorry, I really am sorry for the last week. If I had been in your shoes, I would have hunted you down across the country. I’m glad you stayed in the hospital though.”_

 

Lena shrugged.

 

“I didn’t have much of a choice, did I? I made a promise that I would stay in here until I knew I was ready to leave.”

 

Kara asked her next question eagerly.

 

_“And what happens after Lena? After you get to leave?”_

 

The brunette couldn’t help the small, amused smile that grew on her face at her girlfriend’s eager tone.

 

“Well, I get out. Go see how the rest of the world had moved on since I left.”

 

She paused before her smile widened and she spoke teasingly.

 

“Finally get to go on that date with you. It’s going to be the best one on the planet, what with all the time you’ve had to prepare for it.”

 

_“Trust me, it will be,”_ Kara responded in an attempt at a sultry voice that made Lena laugh.

 

“I love you, even when you pull ridiculous ‘I need to suffer through on my own stunts’.”

 

_“I love you too.”_

 

“Promise me you’ll clue me in when you’re struggling. You asked that of me, and the least you can do is return the favour.”

 

_“I promise.”_

 

This time when the silence grew between them it didn’t feel tense, and Lena felt a part of her heart shift back into place. She started to speak in a happier voice.

 

“Now, when is it I get to see you again. Not that I don’t love the ten minutes of crying in my arms, but I’d prefer to have some real face time.”

 

Kara laughed.

 

_“Well, shockingly, I didn’t lose my job. But I managed to negotiate some alternative weekends off with another barista. Lucy’s also taken it upon herself to be my designated driver from now on so… I guess I can see you whenever you want to see me.”_

 

“How’s tomorrow?”

 

_“Tomorrow’s good.”_

 

“Good.”

 

Lena hung up the phone with a soft sigh, her headache finally relaxing a fraction. She held it out to Maggie, who looked up from her pretend drawing.

 

“Thank you,” the greened woman said with a smile. “For getting her on the phone.”

 

Maggie opened her mouth to reply, but looked down at her mobile when it buzzed, and then read to message with a bemused expression.

 

“What?” Lena asked with an arched eyebrow.

 

“Oh nothing, just my girlfriend wondering if all my therapy methods involve extortion.”

 

“Extortion?”

 

“Yeah. I told Alex if she didn’t make her sister call you right now I’d withhold sex for a month.”

 

Lena let out a laugh.

 

“Well, it certainly got a fast response.”

 

“What can I say? The woman has needs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what your thoughts are :)


	22. Be Yourself; Everyone Else Is Already Taken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people :) I'm focusing on this fic this week, so my other fic has been slightly neglected. If you are a reader of Redeemable, never fear, I will be back soon. I just had an itching to get this chapter out! Hope you enjoy.

“And how was your week, Kara? Anymore spilled coffee incidents? Did you know that there are approximately twenty-five million farmers in over fifty countries involved in producing coffee? It’s the most traded commodity in the world behind oil.”

 

Kara bit her lip to hide her smile at her enthusiastic psychiatrist’s now familiar ramblings.

 

The young man certainly was a breath of fresh air compared to her last doctor. Eager and hyperactive, he had an odd habit of pacing and waving his hands during their sessions. That, and he actually gave the impression that he was listening to what she was saying. 

 

Doctor Q. Dox.

 

An odd name for an equally odd man.

 

“No, no spilled coffee incidents this week Doc. Nothing of note really. Had my first therapy session with Alex the other day though. It was nerve-wracking, but quite helpful. It was a good suggestion.”

 

The man rapidly nodded and twirled his pen in his fingers.

 

“Yes, yes. It’s good sometimes to talk these things out in a neutral environment. You and your sister have both had to make adjustments since you have been released. Sometimes it’s good to make sure everyone is on the same page. That way, any potential emotional mishaps. We want to minimise those as much as possible so your transition back into society is as smooth as possible. Interesting, the human mind seeking out stability to fully relax. Often time we will pick to live in a more distressing environment simply because it’s familiar.”

 

Kara’s brow crinkled in amusement.

 

“Yeah, definitely not looking to remain in a distressing environment,” she said easily and with a quiet laugh.

 

The man didn’t seem to notice her grin and continued to pace back and forth before pulling out the notebook he had stiffed haphazardly in his back pocket and scribbling something down.

 

“How would you rate your experience with me thus far, Ms Danvers? On a scale of one to ten.”

 

The blonde woman arched her eyebrow and smirked at the oblivious man.

 

“One being….what exactly?” She questioned.

 

The short man zoomed in on her face at that, and smiled apologetically, waving a hand above his head.

 

“Sorry, sometimes I get lost in….. the air?” He said distractedly, seemingly puzzled by his own words.

 

Kara really couldn’t contain herself this time and released a giggle, noticing that the other man’s smile only increased at the sound.

 

“Sorry,” she said quickly, but the other man hushed her quickly.

 

“Never apologise for laughter. Well, not in this case anyway.”

 

The dark-haired man sat down and leant back in his chair at that, lacing his fingers together as he observed her seriously.

 

“I’m quite impressed with your progress Ms Danvers.”

 

“Please, Doc,” the blonde woman interjected. “I’ve told you before, you can call me Kara.”

 

The dark-haired man smiled crookedly.

 

“Only if you call me Dox.”

 

She let out a laugh. 

 

“As opposed to Doc?”

 

He tilted his head, seemingly lost in thought.

 

“I realise it is… confusing,” he said breezily.

 

“No, no… Dox is cool,” the bipolar woman answered.

 

His grin widened even further.

 

“Yes. Dox is cool… I like that. As I was saying, I am quite impressed with your progress. I have bee going over the patient notes I have been forwarded regarding your case as you know. Looking over them the past few weeks, and from observing you in that same time, I have come to the conclusion that you are making fine progress.”  


Kara blinked in surprise.

 

“I am?”

 

He nodded enthusiastically.

 

“Indeed. To be diagnosed as bipolar as late and under the circumstances you were was always bound to set you back by society’s standards. But your rehabilitation in Krypton seems to have been highly beneficial. Now, not three months since your release, you have found gainful employment and have a solid support network to assist you in maintaining your mental health.”

 

Kara couldn’t help but feel a slight flush grow up her neck at the man’s satisfied tone, but the other man continued speaking without noticing.

 

“All in all, I am quite happy with your progress. However, I am concerned that you don’t seem to be pursuing your goal of returning to your journalist roots.”

 

The blonde spluttered under the man’s heavy gaze, and she rubbed the back of her head awkwardly.

 

“Well I… I’ve been busy.”

 

“One can never be too busy to pursue their heart’s true desire,” he said, all but slamming his hand down on his desk with glee.

 

Kara blinked at the man’s passionate tone and loud gesture.

 

“I… guess?” She questioned.

 

Dox ran his fingers along the edge of his desk distractedly for a minute, before returning his eyes back to her’s.

 

“I think I shall assign you… homework.”

 

“Homework?” She asked confusedly.

 

He nodded rapidly.

 

“Yes, yes… homework.” 

 

The dark-haired man leapt to his feet, and he walked towards his bursting bookcase and rummaged through it quickly, before pulling out something with a triumphant expression.

 

“Ah ha!” He said happily, before turning back to the blonde and holding it out for her to take.

 

“What’s this?” She questioned, as she took the book from his hand.

 

“A book,” he replied, confused that she didn’t understand.

 

She couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

 

“Yes, I know it’s a book. What do you want me to do with it?”

 

“Read it,” he said easily, retaking his seat. “Analyse it. Write something about it.”

 

“So, you want me to do a book report for you,” she said unenthusiastically. 

 

The short man gave her a bemused look.

 

“Yes.”

 

She turned her eyes form him, to glance down at the book in her hands. Kara’s eyes lit up when she read the title.

 

“A Fault in Our Stars?” Kara asked with a slight smile. “I would have pegged you as more of an English classics guy.”

 

“Well then you pegged wrong, didn’t you?” He said with a laugh. 

 

“Maybe you just want to make me cry?” She teased with a smile.

 

“Did you know that women have physically smaller tear ducts than men?”

 

Kara rolled her eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

“And how was your session with the odd doc today?” Alex asked from her seat on the couch when she heard Kara enter the apartment.

 

The blonde dropped her house keys in the entryway bowl, noting with amusement that her sister still refused to leave her motorbike keys anywhere but on her person since the Kara had stolen it. She shrugged off her jacket, and plonked herself down next to the redhead with a sigh, reaching over to steal a handful of popcorn from the bowl on Alex’s knees.

 

“Starting early are we?” Kara said with a snort as she eyed the spread of junk food on the table in front of them, and the Disney movie paused on the TV.

 

Alex yanked the popcorn away from the blonde’s grubby hands with an annoyed grunt.

 

“Nope. No more food until you answer my question.”

 

Kara sighed, before falling back further on the couch so her head rested on her sister’s knees. Alex looked down at her with amusement and an arched eyebrow.

 

“He gave me homework,” the bipolar woman said with a pout and releasing a groan.

 

The redhead tilted her face so that she could better see her sister’s face.

 

“Homework?” She questioned with amusement.

 

Kara nodded despondently, holding up the book she had been given for the agent to take.

 

“A book?”

 

The blonde sighed and folded her arms over her chest with a huff.

 

“I’m to read it, then write a report.”

 

Alex stared down at the cover for a few seconds, before handing it back to her sister with a smile.

 

“That’s great! I know you haven’t written a word except for your letters to Lena since you’ve been out. This will help you get back into the flow of it all.”

 

“…seriously? Did you really just say ‘in the flow if it all’?” Kara questioned with a laugh.

 

Alex rolled her eyes and poked her sister hard in the chest.

 

“You know what I mean,” she said, ignoring her blonde sister’s ‘ouch’ while rubbing her collarbone.

 

“You’ve been getting lost in your head, and that useless old psych of your’s didn’t help you at all. I’m glad you’re with someone now who seems to give a shit.”

 

“Even if he wants us to go to ‘couple’s therapy’?” Kara teased with a smirk.

 

Alex groaned, throwing back her head even though she couldn’t restrain her smile.

 

“I’ll suffer through it for you. Besides, she had a point about us spending more time together one on one. I know with this whole Maggie thing, I’ve been getting a bit lost.”

 

Alex looked at her with guilt in her eyes.

 

“You’re my sister, Kara. I need you to know that I don’t think you’re less important than my girlfriend.”

 

The blonde caught her sister’s fingers and held her hand with a squeeze.

 

“Come on now. I’m not holding it against you or anything. I love that you’ve got a girlfriend, and Maggie’s awesome. Most importantly, she makes you really happy. Though… I could do with a bit of warning the next time you decide to have very… loud… relations when I’m coming home from work,” she said easily, chuckling when her sister’s cheeks turned a burning red.

 

“Oh shut up,” Alex huffed, before stuffing her blushing face with a fistful of chips.

 

Kara laughed louder, sat up and looped her arm around her sister’s shoulders.

 

“Awww, you’re so easy to embarrass these days.”

 

The redhead leant further into the blonde’s embrace.

 

“I missed you, Kara,” she said softly. 

 

The bipolar woman smiled, before reaching for the remote and pressing play.

 

“I missed you too.”

 

* * *

 

“Kara, I need you,” her manager said, nearly hysterical.

 

The blonde took a deep breath and turned away from the till with a smile at the protesting customer, and tired to face the middle-aged man who called for her.

 

“What’s up, Dan?” She asked, wiping her hands on her apron.

 

He looked at her with a sorrowful face, and the blonde immediately felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. Knowing that whatever he was about to ask her wouldn’t be good.

 

“Kara, I need you to take this up to the top floor,” he said, pressing a steaming hot cup of coffee into her hands. 

 

“What?” She asked with confusion.

 

He blinked at her for a second, before letting out a groan and rubbing his forehead.

 

“Right, I forgot you’ve only been here for a month. Look, I’d normally do it myself but I just can’t right now,” he said distractedly, pulling her to the side and out of the way of the other baristas.

 

“Sometimes we’ll get a call down from the top floor when our enigmatic CEO decides to come forth from her mansion and grace us with her presence. She wants her coffee at three o’clock on the dot, steaming hot and she insists on it being delivered as her secretary is ‘far too busy for such trivial pursuits’,” he said with air quotes and a disgusted expression.

 

“You mean… I’m delivering coffee to Lillian Luthor?” Kara asked, her face turning white at the prospect and her heart beginning to pound in her chest.

 

The man seemed oblivious to the reason of Kara’s distress and waved away her stuttered response.

 

“Don’t worry, you just have to leave it with her ‘overtaxed’ assistant,” he said, before all but pouching her, spluttering, out of the booth.

 

“But.. but-“ She tried to interject with a reasonable reason for her not to go.

 

“Come on, quickly. Elevator to the top floor.”

 

The blonde stumbled outside of the cafe and into the main lobby, clutching the scalding coffee tightly in her hands. She stood stock still for a minute, before shuffling her way blankly towards the lifts.

 

It was only once she was standing in the elevator heading up amongst a press of suited businessman, that her head finally caught up with her feet.

 

What was she doing? 

 

Right, she could do this. All she had to do, was exit the lift and hand the coffee over to a secretary, That’s all she had to do.

 

That wasn’t so hard.

 

Her efforts to calm herself down didn’t seem to be working, however, and at every single stop and as the elevator became more and more empty her heart seemed to pound faster.

 

This was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. 

 

The chances of her actually meeting her girlfriend’s mother were tiny.

 

Tiny. Absolutely and completely tiny.

 

The elevator’s final ding at the top floor seemed ridiculously loud to the blonde’s ears. The doors slide open, and Kara looked out onto a long and decorated hallway with a single desk before an opened door at the end. The bipolar woman gulped and began the long, slow walk towards the furiously typing secretary, the coffee cup held before her like a shield. 

 

Once she was in a foot of the harried looking woman, the blonde stood still for a moment waiting for a reaction. When she got none, she released a cough, trying to get the other woman’s attention. 

 

“Ummm…. I’ve got of coffee for Lillian Luthor?” She queried.

 

The secretary barely had a chance to reply, before a cold voice echoed from the other side of the opened door.

 

“Finally. Come in with it and don’t bother the idiotic girl, she has enough to do.”

 

Kara’s eyes widened, and she stood stock still, unsure of what she should do.

 

The secretary’s eyes bulged, and she stared at Kara while jerking her head in the direction of the open door.

 

The blonde’s eyes widened even further, and she shook her head vehemently.

 

No. No way was this going to be the way she met Lillian Luthor. \

 

If she had it her way, she was never going to meet Lillian bloody Luthor.

 

“Are you deaf, girl? Bring me my coffee,” the cold voice demanded again.

 

The assistant’s eyes became desperate, and Kara groaned internally but began to shuffle forward regardless.

 

Kara entered through the door and blinked at the whiter than white office. The furniture was modern and cold. The art decorating the walls, to the blonde’s eyes, seemed equally as cold. Her eyes were drawn to the figure typing away behind the, also white, desk. Kara assumed the woman must be none other than Lillian Luthor.

 

She was middle-aged, her greying hair tied up in a tight bun piled on top of her head. He face was blank and reeked of professionalism.

 

All in all, Kara had a hard time reconciling the done up woman in front of her as the mother of Lena Luthor. 

 

Still, when the CEO turned her annoyed eyes from her computer to face the blonde, Kara couldn’t help but feel a flash of recognition. 

 

Her eyes may be a different cover to her girlfriend’s, but they held the same steel.

 

The older woman arched an eyebrow and pursed her lips. 

 

“Clearly my company’s standards for its employees have dropped dramatically since I last reviewed them. We appear to be accepting our cafe employees without basic cognitive functions.”

 

Kara flushed from head to toe and started forward with the coffee outstretched. She places it in the CEO’s waiting hand and hovered in front of the desk while the other woman took her first sip.

 

The middle-aged woman nodded appreciatively, and Kara couldn’t help but feel an odd sense of relief at the gesture. 

 

She moved to turn, but the other woman held up her hand to stop her.

 

“What is your name?”

 

The blonde felt a heat return to her cheeks.

 

“My name is Kara, Mrs Luthor.”

 

The other woman tilted her head to the side slightly and peered at Kara over the top of her glasses. The blonde was left with the uncomfortable feeling of being like an insect observed under a microscope.

 

“And how long have you worked for me, Kara,” Lillian said, her voice dripping with disdain.

 

Kara couldn’t help but feel her hackles rise slightly at the other woman’s mocking tone. 

 

“I’ve worked for your company,” the blonde replied, drawing out the last word with a tight tone. “For about two months now.”

 

The CEO’s eyebrow arched at the bipolar woman’s icy tone.

 

“Your demeanour does nothing to inspire me to keep you in my employment.”

 

A spike of rage shot through the bipolar woman’s chest, and her fingers clenched into fists.

 

“Considering the fact that no one else wants to work for you, I’d advise you to keep me on.”

 

Kara instantly winced at her own tone, and berated herself internally, preparing herself for the most dramatic firing of her life since her… exit at CatCo.

 

Surprisingly, the corner of the other woman’s mouth lifted slightly in amusement. 

 

“I see you’re not afraid to speak your mind… An interesting quality, wasted on a mere barista. Tell me… Kara… what are your aspirations outside of working with coffee.”

 

The blonde couldn’t help but reply coldly.

 

“To not work at this company.”

 

“Oh?” Lillian asked with equally cold voice. “And what about my company do you find so disdainful.”

 

Her voice was laced with poison, and it seemed as if she was almost daring the other woman to give her an excuse to be thrown out. Kara almost rose to the bait, half ready to launch herself into an argument, but restrained herself at the last second.

 

“Just not the line of work for me.”

 

_Because I already struggle to work for a company that’s technically owned by my girlfriend’s family. A company that’s run by a reptile like you._

 

“Well, I’d best let you get back to your important business. Coffee doesn’t make itself after all,” Lillian said with a dismissive wave.

 

Kara gritted her teeth, but turned on her heel and marched out the door.

 

* * *

 

 

“Wait, that sounds like something out of a movie. You bringing coffee to the evil mother of your girlfriend who is also technically your boss AND the CEO of a multibillion-dollar company.”

 

“Well, when you put it like that… it just makes it even worse,” Kara all groaned into her hands while Lucy cackled in her chair across from her. 

 

The brunette threw a piece of tofu she was eating at the blonde’s head, causing her to look at her with a scowl. Lucy waved her chopsticks in her face.

 

“Come on, it’s not all bad. And you’ve skipped the awkward introduction to the parent dinner with your girlfriend.”

 

“Yeah. Instead, I get to say, ‘hey Lena, you know my job? The coffee one? Yeah, turns out I work for your company and today the most insane thing happened. I, a mere barista, got to meet your mother. Yes, that’s right. The mother you have all those problems with? The CEO? Yeah, that’s the one’.”

 

The brunette smirked 

 

“Well, it’ll be a great story to tell the kids!”

 

Kara groaned again and banged her head on the table.

 

“Can’t I go just one week without something going completely wrong.”

 

Lucy let out a sigh, and patted a hand on her back awkwardly and wincing when a stray noodle slid out of her chopsticks and leaned on the blonde's neck. The bleed woman barely had time to turn at the strong sensation before the brunette flicked it away quickly and onto the floor. Lucy quickly flopped down on the couch next to the blonde and threw an arm across her friend’s shoulder.

 

“Oh, what’s the big deal? So you met her mother. Who cares.”

 

Kara gave her an incredulous look, and her eyes grew wide with fear.

 

“I care Luce. Cause now I’ve got to tell Lena that I’ve been lying to her this whole time!”

 

The brunette shrugged and took another bite of her noodles.

 

“What have you been lying about?” She said mid crunch, making Kara give her a hypocritical disgusted look. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

 

The blonde felt tears grow in the corners of her eyes.

 

“I didny tell her that I work for her family’s company. I know its tenth tier in the company, but I didn’t tell her.”

 

Lucy sighed and shrugged again with a grimace.

 

“Well… she never asked where you worked.”

 

Kara gave her a look, and the other woman begrudgingly nodded.

 

“A lie by omission then.”

 

The blonde sighed, and leant back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. Lucy gave her a pitying look.

 

“Well just tell her. Why would she be upset?”

 

The blonde let out a humourless laugh

 

Because I’d be upset! Her mother and her have a… difficult relationship. And me working for her-“

 

Lucy cut across her.

 

“You work in a cafe Kara… You’re not exactly her executive vice evil underling. I think you’re making a bigger deal out of this than you need to be.”

 

“….she gives off evil vibes Luce. It’s like talking to a steel wall,” the blonde whispers with fear, making Lucy laugh.

 

The brunette nudged her with her shoulder, before plain her half empty takeout box on the coffee table and leaning into her friend’s side.

 

“Come on. You said it yourself, they’ve got a rocky relationship. Just tell Lena your totally on her side, then skip off into the sunset together.”

 

Kara huffed, and leant her head on top of the other woman’s.

 

“This is going to come back and bite me in the ass, Luce.”

 

Lucy smiled, and replied cheerily.  


 

“Probably!”

 

Kara gave her friend and incredulous look.

 

“What! You just spent the lastfive minutes telling me it wouldn’t!”

 

Lucy turned to face her friend with a serious look.

 

“No, I said I don’t see the big deal. But I totally want to be there with popcorn when you get to meet her again. If you get to meet her again… Dad still refuses to even acknowledge that Lois is married to Clark. ‘The stain on the family honour! Bringing a madman into the family!’ Plus, I get it form Lena’s perspective. Dad’s basically treated my stay in Krypton like a holiday. He told all his government friends I was on a volunteer trip.”

 

The blonde let out a half laugh, before grimacing hard and thanking her family in her head for how incredibly supportive they had been throughout her entire mental health journey.

 

“Wow. That’s shit,” she said softly.

 

Lucy sighed, and leant back further into the couch.

 

“Understatement of the year. Having a family that doesn’t want to acknowledge that mental illness exists is… debilitating. Imagine if someone told someone else that their broken leg didn’t exist. That it was all bullshit, and all you needed was to be disciplined to get over it. And with Clark… I mean I know the guys has his problems, but he’s the sweetest person on the planet. And Lois loves him. But Lena… she has no one left in her family except her Mom, and she hasn’t even visited her in the hospital.”

 

Kara laughed.

 

“And then you still tell me that she won’t care.”

 

The brunette gave her a soft look.

 

“She loves you Kara. I don’t think she’s gonna begrudge you getting a job, and it’s hardly like you were likely to meet her mother working as a barista.”

 

Kara nodded.

 

“Ok,” she said.

 

“Ok?” Lucy questioned.

 

The blonde nodded again.

 

“Yeah. I just need to tell her.”

 

“That’s it,” The brunette said with an approving smile.

 

“What happens happens.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“But what if-“

 

“Oh shut up, and eat your noodles already.”

 

* * *

 

Kara sat at her desk, staring down at the piece of paper in front of her. But for once in her life, she couldn’t phrase the words in her mind that she wanted to write. The beautiful stationary that Alex had gotten her months ago had sat untouched for so long, the blonde had to clean it of dust before use. Then the chair needed to be raised and lowered to the fact right levels. 

 

Then the paper she wanted to write on wasn’t the right grain.

 

And now she felt like banging her head against the wall.

 

For the life of her, she couldn’t understand why ever since she had left Krypton she had writers block. Considering how amazingly profile she had been in her time there, as evident by the numerous boxes and pin ups of her handwritten work in her room, she couldn’t find the words now. 

 

The only time she managed to put pen to paper was in her letters to Lena.

 

She was starting to think that was the problem. Ever since Lena had arrived in her life, she had been her muse. Kara’s focus had been completely and utterly zoomed in on the other woman. Thebipolar woman knew that this was one of the main reasons she had had such massive transitional problems since leaving. 

 

Hence why she turned up after stealing her sister’s bike mid panic attack.

 

Kara let out a sigh. Now she was beating herself up to distract herself.

 

The blue-eyed woman growled at herself, and picked up a pen. 

 

_It’s just a book report_ , she thought.

 

_ A fucking book report. _

 

_ She liked this book. Kara had always enjoyed writing. _

 

_ Especially about things she liked. _

 

She let her head drop against the desk with a thud and a groan.

 

Kara heard a knock on the open door, and opened an eyelid to peer at her sister horizontally.

 

The redhead peered at her with a tilted head.

 

“You ok in here?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

Kara just let out another groan in response.

 

“How is it, I was on track to win awards with my articles at one point, and now I cant even write something that’s high school level at best?”

 

Alex walked into her rooms and looked down at the empty page under the blonde’s head.

 

She paused for a second, unsure of what to say.

 

“I don’t know sis. This is why I investigate things for a living. And you’ve heard how much I hate writing reports. Frankly, maybe this is you just becoming sane again.”

 

Alex winced the second the phrase dropped out of her mouth, and the blonde lifted her head to give her sister a baleful glare.

 

“Sorry. That was a dumb thing to say,” Alex said while awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck.

 

“Look,” she said after a pause and with a sigh. “Maybe it’s because this transition has been so hard for you. You have seemed to have lost some of your… dramatic flare. I mean, you’ve been living here for ages now and you still haven’t decorated your room. Or pinned up any of these,” she said, kicking one of her overflowing boxes full of poetry.

 

Kara huffed, before bending down and opening the lid of the box, picking up the paper on top.

 

“Surprise, surprise,” she said with a wistful look. “It’s about Lena.”

 

Alex snatched the paper from her hands and looked it over seriously.

 

“This is really good you know. A little lovey dovey-“

 

“Says the woman who’s already planning her dream wedding,” Kara interjected, making the redhead blush.

 

The blonde laughed, but it died relatively fast. Her eyes drifted back down the blank paper in front of her.

 

Alex reached over and gripped her shoulder tightly. 

“Hey… I know this is your ‘’homework’ or whatever. But don’t force it either. Creativity cant be forced. Even a high school book report.”

 

Kara smiled at her sister, and felt her heart warm.

 

“You’re a really good sister, you know that I know that right? You’ve been here for me through so much. And I love you,” the blonde finished, her eyes tearing up slightly.

 

Alex pulled her into a tight hug.

 

“I love you too Kara. The world would be a much darker place if you weren’t in it. And I know your life hasn’t been easy, but if there’s one good thing that has come out of all this, it’s that we’ve become closer.”

 

She pulled away with a slight wince again.

 

“I hope that doesn’t sound like a shit thing to say.”

 

Kara smiled gently.

 

“No, it really doesn’t.”

 

* * *

 

“What’s this?”

 

Kara sld the folder of paperwork accross the table between them.

 

“This is me, asking for a favour.”

 

Eve took the stack from her, and pulled out a few of the handwritten pieces, glancing over them.

 

“Poetry, short stories?” The curly haired woman asked confusedly.

 

The other blonde nodded, and pushed her new glasses up her nose. 

 

“They’re mine. It’s a bunch of stuff that I wrote while I was in the hospital. I went through all the boxes of it last night, and I think that this is the best of it.”

 

Eve closed the folder, linked her fingers and looked at Kara seriously, her eyes raking over the over woman’s professional appearance.

 

“And what do you want me to do with them?” The shower woman asked.

 

Kara took a deep sigh and gathered her thoughts.

 

“Look. My life has never been easy. And the last three years have been some of the most challenging and crazy of them all. Coming out of Krypton after all that time away… it’s been like adjusting to life of the moon in many ways. I’ve had to adjust to a whole new world, and its put a damper on were I’m at creatively wise.”

 

The blonde looked around the cafe briefly, before turning back to the other woman.

 

“All the rejections from newspapers, having to find a place desperate enough to hire me… Living with my sister, and all the drama thats come with that. I mean,” she said with a half-grin at Eve.

 

“It’s like my life is a soap opera, and I’m the star.”

 

The assistant let out a laugh, and it settled the blonde’s nerves somewhat.

 

“My point is, I know I’m not going to get a job in in media.”

 

“Kara,” Eve said, reaching out across the table, and placing her hand on top of the bipolar woman’s. 

 

“You can’t give up hope!”  


 

The blue-eyed woman smiled widely and excitedly.

 

“But that’s it, I’m not. I’m just… finding another avenue for my dreams.”

 

She pushed the folder back accross to Eve.

 

“And this… my work… It’s good. I know it’s good.”

 

She took another deep breath, and smiled again.

 

“I want your help to find a publisher. I want to make this, my work, into a book.”

 

Eve didn’t answer for a minute, before a matching smile grew on her face.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought :)


	23. To Defeat The Darkness Out There, You Must Defeat The Darkness In Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people, readers, animal and assorted vegetables :) Hope everyone is doing well this week and I hope you enjoy the chapter.

“Here,” Clark said with a smile as he slid a yoghurt across the table towards Lena. 

 

“I managed to save you something since you missed lunch.”

 

The green-eyed woman took the dessert eagerly and moaned her thanks when the first bite hit her tongue. 

 

The clean-shaven man watched her with amusement.

 

“Gee, if you were that hungry you really shouldn’t have missed lunch,” Jack said with an awkward laugh, before hesitantly taking the seat across from her at the table.

 

Lena swallowed her spoonful slowly, eyeing him carefully. 

 

“I see you’re talking to me again,” she replied finally.

 

The bearded man sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

 

“I’m sorry for what I said. I was just… I don’t like seeing you all wrapped up in how another person feels. Or what they're doing.”

 

She sat back in her seat and stared at the man opposite her for a few seconds, observing him in silence. Clark sat next to them both, his eyes flickering back and forth between the pair, but didn’t say a word.

 

“That’s what happens when you love someone, Jack,” she said finally in a soft voice.

 

Jack gave her an uncomfortable look.

 

“But you said it yourself. You told me, that with Veronica-“

 

She cut him off with a smile and a laugh.

 

“Jack, Kara is the farthest thing from Veronica. I’m pretty sure she’s about as opposite in personality from Ronnie as a person could possibly be. That, and I’m not the same person I was back then. I’m going to self-destruct because my girlfriend isn’t talking to me.”

 

He gave her a long, searching look before speaking in a slow voice.

 

“It didn’t seem like you were holding up too well.”

 

Lena across the table and placed her hand on top of his.

 

“I promise Jack,” she said in earnest. “That if I ever feel like I can’t cope, I’ll tell someone. I’ll tell you.”

 

He smiled at her weakly, before answering.

 

“You just seemed…. You’re so different now to who you were before. When I knew you in college, everything about you was different.”

 

Lena smiled, before leaning back again in her seat. Her eyes drifted around the room and she became lost in her thoughts before finally turning back to face him.

 

“For the first time in my life, Jack. I like who I am. I may have seemed like a confident, strong person back then. But I was dying inside. Besides, you’re pretty different now yourself.”

 

Jack grimaced.

 

“I’m trying to be,” he said quietly.

 

Lena watched him with concern, before speaking in a soft voice.

 

“I’ve never wanted to push but… however you came to be here, you know that I’m here for you right? And I’m sorry too, I know you were just trying to be a good friend before, and I shouldn’t have snapped at you. But please, don’t treat me like I’m going to implode whenever something happens that tests me. I’ve relearned how to stand on my own two feet.”

 

“Then what are still doing here?” Clark interjected.

 

The pair of them turned to face the other man. 

 

Clark stared at her with an intensity that made Lena feel slightly awkward, even as a lance if anxiety at his words pierced her heart.

 

“What?” She questioned.

 

He raised his eyebrow, and a flicker of amusement crossed his face before he sat back in his own seat and crossed his arms.

 

“Why are you still here?” He repeated calmly.

 

She stared at him, her mind stuttering for an answer to his question that made sense.

 

But really, what was she still doing here?

 

“Well…well I-“

 

Thankfully, her halting reply was cut off when Sam appeared next to the table and in all honesty, Lena has never been happier to see her. 

 

“What are you three losers gossiping about over here?” The woman asked with a smirk. She ran her fingers up Jack’s arm slowly, the man flinching away from her touch as his face twisted into a snarl.

 

“Nothing that concerns you,” he bit out.

 

Sam’s eyebrow arched and she stared at him with a disdainful expression.

 

“Why’s that Mary Poppins?” The brunette asked in an accusing voice.

 

The man rose a few centimetres from his seat, his face filling with rage. Clark gave Lena a quick worried glance and the green-eyed woman quickly spoke, aiming a smile at the other woman while Clark pulled Jack back down into his seat.

 

“Hey, Sam. You can join us if you like.”

 

The woman gave her a funny look and shuffled uncomfortably on her feet, before answering with a forced smirk.

 

“….Nah. Wouldn’t want to crash the Breakfast Club.”

 

Sam turned on her heel and exited the room quickly. Lena turned her accusing eyes to Jack. 

 

“Did you have to antagonise her like that?” She asked with a hiss.

 

Jack looked affronted.

 

“What are you talking about Lena? It’s Sam.”

 

Lena rolled her eyes.

 

“Exactly. I don’t know why you have to rise to her bait like that.”

 

He gave her an incredulous look.

 

“So what, I’m just supposed to sit an be insulted by a sociopath?” Jack asked with a strained voice.

 

Clark interrupted with a frown.

 

“Can we make it a rule that we don’t call her that anymore? It’s… insensitive.”

 

Jack turned to him with a furious expression.

 

“Because Sam is so sensitive to how the rest of us feel?”

 

Lena turned his attention back to her.

 

“So you have to go to that level? Because you think she’s cruel, you have to behave the same way back?”

 

He let out a huff and growled out his next response.

 

“Except I never initiate it, do I?”

 

“She just wanted to sit with us, Jack!” Lena said in an exasperated voice.

 

Jack rolled his eyes and gave her a pitying look that made her hackles rise.

 

“No, she just wanted to stir shit again. Jesus Lena, don’t forget what she is. I can’t believe you’ve bought into actually caring about her. This isn’t a sympathetic creature. It’s someone who pulls people under their thumb, then plays with them like dolls. That’s what a sociopath… Fine, that’s what someone with ‘antisocial personality disorder’ does.”

 

He pressed his hands flat down on the table and pushed himself up to his feet.

 

“Don’t fall into the trap,” Jack said darkly, before turning and walking out of the room

 

Lena watched him walk out, her mouth gaping slightly before she turned to face Clark with wide eyes.

 

“Christ, when did he get so-“

 

“Angry?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Clark smiled sadly, before speaking in his usual soft voice.

 

“You forget that he’s here for his own issues, Lena. He has to work them out just the same as the rest of us. The journey in here isn’t easy.”

 

She watched him carefully for a moment before her thoughts drifted to the other woman patient in the ward.

 

“How do you handle Sam? She seems to spend a lot of time with you.”

 

Clark shrugged.

 

“I just treat her like I treat everyone else. She seems to be ok with that. I don’t ask anything from her, and she doesn’t ask anything from me. Well, except for the time when I painted her portrait.”

 

“Sam let you paint her picture?” Lena asked in surprise.

 

The man nodded.

 

“Don’t you remember the bet? Kara made her do it.”

 

Lena couldn’t help but feel a spike of curiosity about what the painting looked like.

 

“How did that go?”

 

He let out a chuckle.

 

“She wasn’t happy about it, but she did it. After it was over though, she just stared at it for a while before thanking me.”

 

“What did she do with the painting?”

 

Clark shrugged again.

 

“I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter.”

 

Lena frowned at the clean-shaven man.

 

“What? For all you know she kicked it in!”

 

Clark gave her an understanding smile.

 

“Then that was her choice. I wouldn’t be mad if she did. I like to think that my paintings reflect the truth of people. At least the truth how I see it. But once that’s done, it’s was always up to each of you how you interpret it.”

 

Lena stared at the man and felt a warm glow grow in her heart.

 

“You know,” she began slowly.“I think you are probably the wisest and kindest person I have ever met. As much as I wish you weren’t in here… That you could experience life outside these walls as soon as possible… I’m so glad to have met you at the darkest time in my life. You’ve helped me so much, and I will never be able to repay you for that.”

 

The man reached over with tears in his eyes and gripped her hand tightly.

 

“There’s nothing to repay, Lena. You’ll never have to repay me for anything. I’ve just treated you the way you’ve always deserved to be treated. With kindness.”

 

She smiled, crying now herself.

 

“It’s more than that though, Clark. You truly are Superman.”

 

He looked at her softly and then his eyes flickered down to the table. Clark seemed lost in his thoughts for a few moments before he turned back towards Lena with a smile. 

 

“You know… I think I’m happy just being Clark Kent. I think he’s pretty amazing too.”

 

Lena let out a happy laugh.

 

“I never thought… When I first met you and found out about your illness, all I could see was my brother. Of his madness, right at the end. How he had completely lost himself and what he had done. But now, I look at you and I see the best parts of him. In a way, I think you’ve helped remind me of the best parts of him. And you, just you Clark Kent, have become a true brother to me.”

 

“You’re family to me, just like Kara. And you’ll always be a sister to me.”

 

* * *

 

“Oh, God. Please don’t tell me you’ve come to check up on me. Trust me, Doctor Who didn’t hurt my feelings.”

 

Lena stood awkwardly in the doorway of the library while Sam continued to stare down at her book from her spot curled up on the couch. The green-eyed woman hovered for a minute before sitting in the free space next to the other woman.

 

“I wasn’t coming to you about that. Though I do think he needs to work on his manners, same as you.”

 

Sam let out a snort.

 

“Work on my manners? Not all of us went to Finishing School for Good Girls, Princess.”

 

Lena scowled.

 

“I didn’t go to finishing school.”

 

Sam finally looked up from her book to give the ex CEO a disdainful look..

 

“Boarding school then. Let me guess… Europe?”

 

A never in Lena’s face twitched, and Sam smirked before starting to read her book again.

 

“Knew it.”

 

The green-eyed woman was left staring at the other woman awkwardly, unsure of how to proceed. After a few seconds, Sam let out a groan and closed her book. She turned to face Lena with a glare. 

 

“Why the fuck are you staring at me Luthor. It’s quickly becoming annoying.”

 

Lena grasped onto the first thought in her brain.

 

“You’ve been reading a lot lately.”

 

Sam gave her an incredulous look, before looking thoughtfully into the air and speaking sarcastically.

 

“Maybe because for the last three months, I’ve finally had the opportunity too. Not much chance for reading when the place is occupied by two nutters making goo-goo eyes at each other, pretending to be subtle.”

 

Lena frowned.

 

“Why do you hate Kara so much.”

 

Sam smirked and flipped her hair over her shoulder.

 

“I don’t hate her, I despise her.”

 

Lena rolled her eyes.

 

“Yeah, ok. Got that,” she said tightly. “But what did she ever do to you?”

 

Sam let out a humourless laugh.

 

“It’s more the fact that she exists, to be quite frank. All that bubbly optimism, and endearing personality crap. As if underneath it all she isn’t as toxic as the rest of us. She lives in a dream world, pretending like everything about life is A-Ok. Like she wasn’t thrown in here like a piece of used trash.”

 

Lena growled at the other woman.

 

“Kara faces her own struggles every day of her life.”

 

Sam snorted, but Lena pressed on ignoring it.

 

“Regardless, it seems more like you resent her.”

 

The other woman threw her book down between them and finally gave Lena her full attention. Her face turning red with rage.

 

“Jesus Christ, don’t you go trying to psychoanalyse me. Last thing I bloody need. I get enough of that from everyone fucking else.”

 

Lena was taken slightly aback and threw up her hands in the air.

 

“Ok. I won’t then.”

 

Sam gave her a hard and suspicious stare.

 

“What? Just like that? What do you really want? What are you doing here?”

 

Lena huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

 

“I just wanted to talk to you,” she grumbled.

 

Sam huffed, before picking up her book and speaking in a dark tone.

 

“Nobody has ever just wanted to talk to me in my life.”

 

Lena hesitated before speaking softly.

 

“I highly doubt that. You said you had a daughter, surely she must have liked to just talk to you.”

 

Sam flipped her page so aggressively, that the paper tore slightly.

 

“Probing much?” She bit out.

 

The green-eyed woman shrugged.

 

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

 

There was a pause, and a tense silence grew before Sam spoke in an uncharacteristically soft voice.

 

“I don’t talk about Ruby.”

 

“You brought her up before,” Lena probed gently, making the other woman’s scowl deepened.

 

“A moment of weakness.”

 

“Or maybe… you miss talking about her. Miss her.”

 

Sam’s nostrils flared, and her voice came out in a low growl.

 

“I said to stop psyching me,” she said warningly.

 

Lena winced.

 

“Sorry,” she muttered.

 

The other woman spat out her next response with venom.

 

“No, you’re not. Don’t lie.”

 

Lena’s brow creased.

 

“You don’t seem like the type to mind lying.”

 

Sam shrugged.

 

“I don’t lie anymore, Princess. I tell it how it is.”

 

The shorter brunette let out a mirthless laugh.

 

“You antagonise everyone around you. One could almost say you’re just-“

 

Suddenly Sam gripped Lena’s shoulder tightly and forced the other woman to look at her.

 

“I swear to Christ,” she said poisonously. “If you say lashing out I will kick your ass.”

 

“Well, it’s true,” Lena continued, unperturbed by the hard fingers on her shoulder.

 

“Don’t tell me, how I feel,” Sam said in warning. “Or why I am the way I am. You don’t know a single thing about me!”

 

She let go of Lena quickly, before returning once again to her book like nothing happened. The ex CEO rubbed her shoulder briefly, before pushing her luck by continuing to speak.

 

“Well, I know you like to read. Your hair is brown. That you’ve been longer than me. That you said thank you when Clark painted you. And that you have a teenage daughter named Ruby.”

 

“What do you want, congratulations?” Sam said without emotion.

 

Lena sighed, before shrugging.

 

“I just want to get to know you better.”

 

Sam paused in her reading but didn’t look up from her pages when she spoke next.

 

“Why? I’m a horrible bitch to everyone. I like it that way, and I don’t need a fucking friend. What do want? To rehabilitate the project on the planet that everyone else has given up on? Will that make you feel like a better person? Like you’ve given back? Careful, Princess. You’re morphing into the puppy. Just when I was starting to like you.”

 

Lena smiled.

 

“So you do like me.”

 

Sam growled.

 

“If you continue this line of questioning, I will literally make you eat this book.”

 

The ex CEO stood, and smiled happily.

 

“Fine. I’ll go. But I meant what I said before. I’m here if you do want to talk.”

 

“Fuck off already.”

 

* * *

 

_“So I’ve no idea how she did, but Eve managed to set me up a meeting with the best friggin publishing house in National City.”_

 

Lena smiled at the enthusiasm in her girlfriend’s voice.

 

“Kara, that’s fantastic!”

 

The blonde let out a sigh on the other end of the line.

 

_“Yeah, but I’m not gonna lie… my reputation preceded me. They kept bringing it up in the meeting, instead of focusing on my book proposal which was great, thanks to you, Lucy and Alex. It just didn’t feel like a good fit with the editor breathing down my neck. I think they didn’t really want a known plagiariser staining their reputation. I knew all that stuff at CatCo was going to bite me in the butt.”_

 

Lena frowned and pressed the phone closer to her ear.

 

“Don’t get disenchanted with it, Kara. Anything worthwhile is always going to have obstacles.”

 

_“Don’t worry. I’ve got it sorted. I also met with a smaller publisher, basically a startup, but they have a good reputation. I liked it there, and they seemed willing to take a chance on me. Plus, they actually talked about the book more then whether it was really true I gave Cat Grant a black eye. According to Eve, Dick the well….dick went around telling everyone I assaulted him before he got the can.”_

 

“What? Kara that’s horrible!”

 

_“Lucy was all for attacking him legally, but honestly I don’t want the trouble. People will believe what they want to believe. The people I care about know the truth of the situation, and I’ve just got to keep doing my thing.”_

 

Lena’s smile grew once again.

 

“That’s so great to hear Kara. It sounds like life is really going well for you.”

 

_“Yeah, well I’m still making coffee to keep me grounded… Did you see what I did there?”_

 

The ex CEO rolled her eyes, but her heart warmed.

 

“Yes, darling.”

 

Kara let out a sigh and spoke in a soft voice.

 

_“I still miss you every day. But I feel like I’m building myself here. Building my future.”_

 

Tears grew in Lena’s eyes.

 

“It’s going to bright.”

 

The brunette could nearly hear Kara’s smile through the receiver.

 

_“Exceptionally so, because it’s going to have you in it. I keep having dreams about you.”_

 

Lena raised an eyebrow.

 

“Dreams?” She said in a sultry voice.

 

_“Head out of the mop closet, Lena. The dreams I’m having are of you and me, in the future. Going on dates. Getting a dog. Watching TV together. Just… living happily.”_

 

“We’re getting a dog?” Lena said in surprise.

 

_“If you want that too. Or a cat. Or anything.”_

 

The implication sat in the air, and Lena had a flash of Kara holding a baby pass through her mind.

 

“Anything?”

 

The blonde let out an awkward cough.

 

_“I’m trying not to get to lost in it, don’t worry. But I still… it’s exciting. And a part of me is itching for you to get out, so you can feel this too.”_

 

Lena sighed, the uneasiness she’d felt since this morning growing in her chest.

 

“I do feel it, Kara. But remember, I still have a ways to go.”

 

_“I know that. Please don’t take this as pressure. I want you to stay until you’re ready to leave. So you can be your best self. All the good days, remember?”_

 

A few tears slipped out of the brunette’s eyes.

 

“I love you, darling,” she whispered.

 

_“I love you too.”_

 

* * *

 

“Hey… can I come in?” Lena asked, knocking gently on the doorframe to Jack’s room.

 

The man looked up from his paper.

 

“If you must,” he said neutrally and with a raised eyebrow.

 

Lena walked into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed next to the other man. She gave him an apologetic look.

 

“Look, I don’t want to be fighting with you. All we seem to do lately is disagree. I just got you back in my life, under the most fucked up of conditions… I don’t want to lose you again.”

 

Jack sat up suddenly and gripped her hand tightly.

 

“I know… and I’m sorry. It’s just… lately, I’ve been so angry. Like, all the time. I’ve been struggling with everything.”

 

Lena pulled him into a tight hug.

 

“Clark said that, and I’m sorry I didn’t pick up on it properly before. I was just… You’re right, I was getting wrapped up in Kara and my own recovery, I just didn’t notice. I should have been there for you more.”

 

They pulled back from each other, and Jack gave her a reassuring smile.

 

“It isn’t your fault. You’re supposed to be here to work on yourself, not on me. And I… haven’t exactly been opening up about… everything that’s been going on with me. I got, a little jealous of what you and Kara have because… well, I lost everything before I came here. My company, my life, my girlfriend. I’m using the last of my money to pay for this place, and I’m so worried it won't be enough to fully cover the treatment I need. What if I have to leave, and I’m not ready?”

 

Lena gave him a concerned look.

 

“Jack, I wish you’d told me. You know, I’d be more than happy to help you stay here.”

 

The man shook his head.

 

“That’s why I didn’t tell you… I feel like I’m using you for your money. This shouldn’t be your problem.”

 

She gripped his hand tightly and gave him a pleading look.

 

“But it's because you’re my friend and I love you. Put away your pride, and realise that your mental health doesn’t have a price. I’m offering to help you. Let me help you.”

 

He shuddered briefly, before closing his eyes and giving her a small nod.

 

“Ok.”

 

Lena smiled and squeezed his hand.

 

“Ok?”

 

he nodded again.

 

“Yeah.”

 

The brunette let out a breath, before releasing the man’s hand and smiling wider.

 

“Good, now tell me what’s been going on. You lost everything? What happened. When I came in here, I heard that share prices were up and everything was going great with the company.”

 

He grimaced before responding in a bitter voice.

 

“It was. Everything was brilliant! We had patents, tech walking out the door. We were making money, helping people. And me, I had everything. I had my job and my girlfriend…. And then I lost it all.”

 

“How?” She asked gently.

 

Jack sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

 

“The board. They were putting pressure on me to sell to a bigger company. They were afraid that everything we were doing was in a bubble. I told them no, that the best years were ahead of us, not behind. But there were rumours of corporate spies in our R and D department, and I didn’t take them seriously. We lost something big to Lord Tech. Years of research, of money, just gone. So, the board forced me out. Then everything went up for sale. My company, my life… all gone.”

 

“Jack… I’m so, so sorry,” Lena said softly, gripping his hadn’t tightly again.

 

The man smiled weakly, before pulling his hand from her grip.

 

“Don’t be. It happened, and I can’t change it. Afterwards, though, I was a mess. I spiralled, I drank. My girlfriend left me. And one day I found myself seriously thinking about the gun I kept in my drawer.”

 

Lena was slightly shocked, but a wave of familiarity grew in her chest.

 

“Jack…” she began but was interrupted by him waving away her words.

 

“I knew I had to do something. So that’s why I checked myself in here.”

 

The brunette smiled at him.

 

“Jack, thank you for telling me. I know that must have been difficult.”

 

He nodded but frowned at his feet.

 

“I’ve been talking with Jonn a lot about accountability. How my actions shape my own life. It’s been… hard to work through. I really am sorry I lashed out at you. I think a part of me was jealous of how well you have bounced back and everything you have with Kara.”

 

Lena let out a light laugh.

 

“It wasn’t easy Jack. it still isn’t easy. I have to work on myself every single day and so does Kara. We have to work on us, and who we want to be together. It’s fucking hard sometimes, but at the end of the day, we both think we’re worth it. For ourselves, and for each other. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been exactly where you are now.”

 

He looked at her desperately.

 

“Really?”

 

She smiled crookedly.

 

“Really. It was shit, and hard and I hated it. But you know what? I pushed through. And I think I’ve come out a better person for it. And you will too, I know it.”

 

He pulled her back in for another tight hug, and she patted his back reassuringly.

 

“Thanks, Lena. I’ve missed having you in my life. I’ve missed my best friend.”

 

“So have I.” 

 

* * *

 

Lena sat by the lake, her book forgotten by her side as she stared out over the water, completely lost in her thoughts. She had been brooding all day, ever since her session with Jonn that morning. It had got her to thinking about herself, and the paths she wanted to take in life. About her past, and how she felt about it now. How she felt about her future and Kara. 

 

Above all, how she felt about herself.

 

In the past, she had felt diseased and unlovable. She had felt small, like something inside her was deeply flawed.

 

That she was unlovable and didn’t deserve to be loved no matter how much she craved it.

 

And everything that she’d been through. Every self-destructive moment. Forgiving and accepting the way the people in her life misused her. Was entirely deserved. It was all she deserved because she was worth less than nothing.

 

And that was all she would ever be worth.

 

But now, it was like she had transformed herself from a rotting flower into a beautiful tree. The ex CEO couldn’t help but smile at the aptness of Clark’s painting of her. Rising from the thorns and pulling herself towards the light. Towards something better.

 

The brunette wondered what the man would paint her like now. 

 

Her thoughts lingered on the sad woman who had entered Krypton so many months ago. Lost, devastated and alone, but with one tiny burning flame to save herself in any way she could. She could never have predicted the person she would become now. Lena knew she wouldn’t recognise herself. 

 

In fact, if the past her met her now, she knew she just wouldn’t be able to comprehend that it was even possible to feel this way. To feel… so light.

 

The problems that she had still lingered on her mind, they hadn’t vanished. But she felt like she was strong enough to handle them.

 

But for some reason, she was still terrified of leaving this place.

 

Even though she had her beautiful, kind and amazing girlfriend ready to embrace her on the other side of these walls, she was still afraid. At one point, all she wanted was a quick fix. A band-aid, so she could back to her toxic life like nothing had happened. Lena wasn’t as naive now. 

 

She knew that no matter what, she was a changed person now.

 

And she didn’t want the life back that she had before. She had her own dreams now, and her own wishes for what her future would look like. 

 

Absolutely nothing like the one she had before.

 

But, all of that was so easy to know in here. Away from the ghosts of her past. 

 

She traced her fingers over the large scars running down her arms. No matter how much she admired how they had healed, they would be there for the rest of her life. A reminder, that once upon a time she was so desperate to escape her misery that she tried to kill herself.

 

Lena didn’t hate her scars like she had once. When they were angry and raw and painful, she hated them. At that time, it felt to her like they would be a reminder forever of how weak she was.

 

But now.. she knew they were marks of how far she had come. How she had healed.

 

But still… they were accepted in here. In the outside world, she would have to spend her life covering them. Otherwise, she would have to endure the judgement in the eyes of everyone she met. 

 

She felt guilty because she would at least be able to hide this part of herself from people who didn’t deserve to know. The intimacy of what she had been through wouldn’t be known by the whole of National City the way that Kara’s would. The blonde was going to have to live with the public scrutinising her for her past actions for the rest of her life. Whereas Lena had made certain, that no one would ever know. She had the luxury of choice to reveal that part of herself when Kara had that choice taken away from her. And in the future, once their relationship became public knowledge Kara would have to endure even more scrutiny.

 

Lena admired her girlfriend though. About how she was embracing that part of herself. Displaying it so publicly in her work. 

 

Proud of herself not despite her illness, but because it was simply a part of her.

 

But the blonde knew that Lena didn’t feel comfortable with that part of herself being so… open to the world. She had reassured her that her book wouldn’t mention Lena at all. Kara had proposed it before Lena could even ask.

 

And the CEO felt guilty about how relieved she had felt when Kara said it.

 

It was all so confusing, even as things felt so clear in other parts of her life.

 

Lena knew what she wanted once she finally left. To take control of her company. Turn it into a force for good, into her vision not just her mother’s. 

 

Or her brother’s.

 

She wanted to help the world. To make it better one that it was now. 

 

To help people.

 

And to finally have a family that loved her, just as she loved them.

 

It was hypocritical to expect Kara to reign in her enthusiasm about their future… Especially when all Lena seemed to do lately was fantasising about living with the woman.

 

Marrying her.

 

Having children with her, and having a dog.

 

Christmas’, birthdays and game nights with her family and friends.

 

Because Kara was the love of her life.

 

Lena smiled slightly at the thought, before letting out a small groan and resting her head on her raised knees.

 

That was the terrible part about it. She had so much to do, to look forward to once she left. But she just couldn’t seem to take the step. Take the god damn step into her future and press play on her life again.

 

Lena had found a home here for the first time in her life. This was the place where she had first met Kara. This was the place where she had found her family, and gained friends. This was the place where she had healed herself.

 

And now, she was supposed to walk back into a world that had done nothing but chew her up and spit her out?

 

Lena sighed again, before lifting her head from her knees and stared back over the lake, watching the sun set slowly. It cast a red glow over the rippling water, giving it a feeling of warmth that managed to reach the green-eyed woman’s heart. 

 

She slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out the crumpled, unopened envelope in her pocket with her name scrawled on the front. Lena had received it this morning but had been hesitant to open it for some reason.

 

The brunette opened it slowly now, pulling out the piece of paper with delicate care and began to read.

 

_Dearest Lena,_

 

_I’m writing this letter from a great place._

 

_Well, not a great place literally. I’m currently sitting at my desk, trying to ignore my sister arguing with Maggie about what they’re going to go to dinner. I’m slightly envious I’ll admit. A part of me is desperate to have the same argument with you, though no doubt ours will seem far more interesting._

 

_No, I’m writing from a good place in my head._

 

_I feel so happy with everything that is happening in my life right now. I have a sister who loves me. She has Maggie in her life, and even though they haven’t said it, they love each other. I’ve never seen Alex so happy, and that makes me happy._

 

_My mother is coming down for a visit soon. I’m so excited for her to see me now. All the progress I’ve made. I know she’s always loved me, but a part of me is desperate for her to proud of me. To see me as a success story instead of a sad one._

 

_Lucy, God I’m lucky to have a best friend like her. She is exactly what I need in my life. Strong and one hundred percent on my side._

 

_I love my psych. He’s helped me so much. Dox gives me hope that I’m going to pass his final assessment and finally be completely free! I’ll be able to move out of my sister’s apartment, and take that pressure off her. I think I’ll still keep seeing him though. Psychiatrists are a bit like girlfriend’s I guess. Once you find a good one, you don’t let them go._

 

_Which brings me to you, my beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, kind and above all, brave girlfriend._

 

_You’ve brought so much to my life already, and I’m so incredibly glad I met you. And that I fell in love with you._

 

_That we chose each other._

 

_You compliment me so perfectly Lena. Sometimes I feel like I didn’t really know myself until you came into my life. You helped me be the person I am today, and I love the person I am today._

 

_As much as I love you._

 

_I was so scared to leave Krypton, and now I see that it wasn’t just because I was leaving the safety of the walls. Or even because I was leaving you._

 

_No, it was because I was afraid of fully embracing who I am now. Of fully embracing the person I want to be. A part of me still felt unsure of whether I was good enough to enter my own life. To be in charge of it._

 

_But now I know different._

 

_I’m ready for my future. I’m living my life to the fullest. I want to embrace everything good in it._

 

_I want to embrace us._

 

_My eternal love and devotion,_

 

_Kara_

 

 

Tears had begun rushing down Lena’s face well before she had finished the letter. A few stray ones, despite her scrubbing, managed to fall on the paper and stained the page. 

 

She felt everything Kara’s words described. 

 

Lena let out a watery laugh at the joy of it, and a final piece of her heart seemed to lock into place as she stood to her feet.

 

The ex CEO knew, that now she was ready to embrace her future too.

 

* * *

 

“So… now that you’ve had some time to think about our conversation yesterday, have you changed your mind?” Jonn asked with a questioning eyebrow.

 

Lena smiled down at her lap, before turning her eyes to the man in front of her.

 

“I have. I’m ready to leave Krypton.”

 

The psychiatrist smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you guys think? Let me know below!


	24. My Recovery Has Been An Evolution, Not A Sudden Miracle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, I love writing this story. It eases my migraine when my other fic is being a challenge. But enough of that! I hope you all enjoy :)

“So, that’s it?”

 

Sebastian, Kara’s editor, looked up at her with surprise before he answered.

 

“Well, no. There’s probably about a million more bits of paper for you to sign. But… it’s a tentative yes.”

 

The blonde blinked, still unbelieving about the authenticity of his words.

 

“So…. you definitely want my book?”

 

The man smiled but waved his hands indicating for her to slow down.

 

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet. We still have a ways to go here. I mean, I love your work. You’re very diversified. The poems and the short stories… They’re all great. But I’ll be honest when I say we're not necessarily looking for just a collection of works. We want to hear your story, from your perspective.”

 

The blonde’s brow creased, the idea not sitting well with her.

 

“Well, I’m not really good at writing non-fiction.”

 

The man scoffed.

 

“I find that hard to believe, considering the quality of your previous work at CatCo.”

 

Kara’s eyes darted to her feet and a well of shame grew in her chest.

 

“Well we all know how that ended,” she muttered.

 

The other man watched her closely but disregarded her words with a wave of his hand.

 

“Regardless, you don’t have to write it as you. I mean look at all these works you have. There’s the making of a great book in here, I know it.”

 

Kara still wasn’t sure.

 

“Well…” she dragged out, but the other man cut her off quickly.

 

“Look, we’re willing to give you an advance.”

 

The bipolar woman paused in shock. A beat pass before she replied with shock.

 

“An advance? On an unreliable first time author?”

 

The man laughed.

  
“You’re really selling yourself, aren’t you?” He teased, but his words didn’t make the blonde feel any better.

 

“I just… it’s a little weird,” she said with a grimace.

 

The man leaned closer to her with a charming smile, that did absolutely nothing to Kara, and said with an easy grin.

 

“We believe in you Kara.”

 

The blonde was still confused, and her eyes narrowed as she eyed him up carefully. She liked Sebastian, but all of this struck her as a little weird.

 

“Why are you willing to take this chance on me? I know my reputation precedes me. I’m… a plagiariser.”

 

The man shrugged, raising Kara’s suspicions higher.

 

“Did you plagiarise this?”

 

“Of course not!” She spluttered, indignant.

 

The blonde man laughed again, running his hands through his hair.

 

“Then what’s the big deal? Look, I can tell this is a lot for you. But this isn't just coming from me. This comes all the way from the top. We want your book, Kara.”

 

She hesitated again. Sebastian seemed honest enough, and if she was being honest with herself her trepidation came more from doubts within rather than with the editor.

 

“I just… can I have some time? I’m not turning you down! I just need to gather my thoughts. Get a book proposal together. Give me a night to sleep on it.”

 

He smiled before replying with a nod.

 

“Sure.”

 

* * *

 

Kara walked along the now familiar path to her psychiatrist’s office conflicted. The sunny sky seemed to mock her mood, and she scowled down at the street with her hands shoved deep in her pockets.

 

They wanted her to write a book, based on her life experiences. Kara kicked herself internally, swearing that it was her own fault for giving them a few copies of her journals to look at along with her other work. Regardless, she already had more than enough scrutiny on her mental health in her life. The blonde didn’t really know if she wanted more. And writing a non-fiction piece about herself? Well, that was definitely asking for more. 

 

She trudged her way into Dox’s office and the receptionist waved her through with a smile. The bipolar woman entered to find her unusual doctor climbing a bookcase with his arms fully outstretched while trying to grab a document from the top shelf.

 

“Are you alright?” The blonde woman asked with a grin.

 

The man craned his head slightly at the sound of her voice, before grabbing the paper triumphantly, letting go of the shelf and landing on the ground with a thud.

 

“I’m splendid, thank you,” he said with a laugh, waving the piece of paper above his head like a trophy.

 

“I had a sudden desire to read my old English paper on Wuthering Heights, and the feeling simply couldn’t be ignored,” he said before turning to sit down in his oversized chair.

 

“You know how it is.”

 

Strange desires to find random objects? She definitely knew that feeling Kara thought before taking her own seat across from the other man.

 

A few minutes passed in silence while the dark-haired doctor stared down at the paper in his hand in deep thought and it was only when the blonde coughed that he looked up, seemingly surprised to see her there.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I got lost in my head there for a second.”

 

“It’s fine,” she said waving her hand, his awkward behaviour already lifting her spirits.

 

“It’s must be a very good paper.”

 

“It’s not, actually,” he said, placing it down on the table with a sigh before turning to her with a smile.

 

“But maybe one day you can give me your opinion on it! A published author soon.”

 

The man must have noticed Kara’s instant grimace before his mouth twitched down slightly.

 

“Did something happen?”

 

She hesitated for a second, before answering his question dejectedly.

 

“I don’t know… They want me to write a book. Based on my life and my experiences with my illness I guess. I just… I don’t know if I want to do it.”

 

The other man leant back in his chair, his mouth pursed in thought.

 

“Well, it’s a great thing that they asked. They must really like your work. Why are you unsure whether you should take it, I would have thought that this would be what you wanted.”

 

She played with a loose thread in her chair.

 

“It is! I mean, to be a published author would be incredible! I’m just not sure if I want to write about myself that way. It’s easier to live in the public eye through fiction, rather than through fact. And the fact is, my story is… tumultuous at best. Scary, at worst. I’ve already humiliated myself enough in the media world. Now I’m supposed, to write a memoir to explain away all that I did? I know I was undiagnosed bipolar, and I am proud of myself and what I have done since then. But… I don’t want to write something that makes it seem like I want people to feel sorry for me. That’s the last thing I want to do.”

 

He watched her carefully in silence, and her eyes drifted downwards towards to floor.

 

“Kara, look at me,” he said in an unusually commanding voice that forced her eyes upwards. 

 

“Your story is a sad one or even a word of caution. And your journey, how you have rebuilt yourself is an inspirational one. Does it make the bad things that have happened in your life disappear? Of course not. But it does say and will say, to anyone that reads it that your life didn’t end when you hit rock bottom. It could be something for all the people out there struggling with their own mental health issues to read and feel a little bit less alone. That someone out there gets it. Gets them. Frankly, anyone who thinks you writing your story is simply a plea for sympathy is an idiot. I think you should view it as the next phase of recovery. Of your recovery. And that is a beautiful thing to share with the world.”

 

By the time he finished, Kara had tears in her eyes that she wiped away with the corner of her sleeve and the other man graciously looked the other way.

 

“Why do I keep coming here? All you do is make me cry.”

 

Dox let out a laugh.

 

“Well, up until this point it’s been court mandated.”

 

“That and I like yo… Wait, what did you say?”

 

His face twitched in confusion.

 

“I said, up until this point it’s been court mandated.”

 

Kara’s face drained of colour.

 

“Up to… up to this point? What’s happening past this point?” She squeaked out.

 

Dox looked even more confused before a wave of clarity crossed his face.

 

“Ahhh, sorry. Should have led with that,” he muttered, rummaging under his stacks of papers looking for something while the blonde sat mutely on the edge of her seat.

 

He finally found the paper he was looking for and slapped it on the desk, making him smile and Kara jump.

 

“GOT IT!” He cried with a grin.

 

“So, I submitted my psych eval for you two weeks ago.

 

“You… you did?” She asked with wide and nervous eyes.

 

The man nodded enthusiastically.

 

“I recommended that your sister is removed as your guardian as I believe you are now able to function successfully in society. And this,” he said, pointing to the paper. “In a nutshell, says that they agree with me.”

 

Kara sat stunned to silence as she absorbed the other man’s words.

 

The man stared at her, waiting for a reaction, but the blonde could only stare back at him blankly. The last few years of her life, rushing through her mind. 

 

Her whole life rushing through her mind.

 

From the memories of her parents to the fire that killed them. Being adopted by the Danvers. All the anger she felt and the sadness. Pushing everyone away, and being completely unable to explain why she felt the way that she felt. 

 

Why she did the things that she did.

 

Her adventures in high school, in college. Whiplash between scraping by with her grades at the skin of her teeth and soaring high through her classes on no sleep for three days. Spending all her money on tickets to Paris.

 

Getting a job at Noonan’s, then trampolining into CatCo. A string of one night stands, and semi-meaningless short-term relationships.

 

Terrible highs, and terrible lows. Working, working, working. Needing to be the best.

 

Stealing a story. Failing everybody. Failing Cat. Failing Eliza. Failing Alex.

 

Failing herself.

 

Breaking apart. Being arrested, forced to accept a diagnosis. Being sent to Krypton. Resenting it, loving it. Meeting Jonn, Maggie, Winn, James, Lucy, Clark, Mike.

 

Lena.

 

Everything about Lena.

 

Loving her, Leaving her.

 

Struggling.

 

Growing.

 

And now…. 

 

“I’m free? I can, I can be in charge of my own life again?”

 

Dox tilted his head.

 

“That’s what this has all been about, hasn’t it? Making sure you’re ready to do just that.”

 

Kara choked back the news tears that sprung to her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said in a hoarse voice with her head in her hands. “I’m just… this is a lot. I always knew this was the end goal, but now that it’s here…”

 

The doctor let out a low chuckle that made Kara look up immediately.

 

“Kara, this isn’t the end. This is the beginning. You get to live your life now. Whatever life you want. The one you choose.”

 

She stared at him for a moment before she rushed to her feet and hugged him so hard she could hear the air escape his lungs.

 

“Thank you so much. I mean, this hug isn’t just for you. It’s for everyone that helped me, I just…. thank you.”

 

He patted her awkwardly on the back until she let go.

 

“Of course Kara. And I’ve been honoured to have you as my patient.”

 

She blinked at him.

 

“Oh… you mean, now that I’m done with the court you won’t be my psychiatrist anymore?” She said with a tinge of disappointment in her voice.

 

“Well, you’re not obligated to see me, Kara. I would recommend continued treatment for your health, but it doesn’t have to be with me,” the other man said easily.

 

“But I want to keep seeing you. I like you, and you know me. I don’t want to start again with someone new,” she said earnestly, her eyes pleading.

 

Dox blinked, then his face stretched into an easy smile.

 

“I’ll schedule you in for next week then, shall I?”

 

* * *

 

Kara walked into the quiet apartment and with a noticeable thump closed the door. Her phone was buzzing with reply texts from Lucy, Alex and Eliza wishing her their congratulations at the news of her psych eval. 

 

Alex had sent her a single thumbs up selfie, compared to Lucy’s indecipherable string of emojis and gibberish that the blonde supposed indicated screaming.

 

A breath of air left her lungs and a smile crossed her face as she wandered towards her bedroom. All she wanted to do right now was call Lena to tell her the news, but she hesitated.

 

No, this news she was going to deliver in person when she went to see her girlfriend this weekend, Kara wanted to see the look on her face when she told her.

 

The bipolar woman sat down gently in her chair and swung it around to face the blank piece of paper she had staring up at her.

 

Thoughts of the book she was asked to write crossed her mind, and for the first time in weeks, her mind exploded with ideas.

 

She picked up her pen with a smile.

 

* * *

 

Kara walked into the office with a wide grin and dumped her papers on the desk.

 

“Look, I know I said I needed a night but you’ll be happy to know, I’ve decided to do it. Write the book I mean.”

 

The chair swivelled around, and Kara’s heart stopped in her chest. 

 

“Well this is a surprise, here I was coming to look at Sebastian’s proposals and I run into you instead. But I am glad to see your time away hasn’t rendered you completely stupid. You would have had to be a complete idiot to turn down such a lucrative proposal.”

 

Cat Grant raised an eyebrow at her stunned expression, before delicately picking up the scattered papers before her as if they were infected. Her mouth pursed when she looked up again to find Kara still standing rigidly in front of her.  


 

“Well Kiera, has my presence rendered you completely mute? Sit down before you faint.”

 

She sat and stared.

 

The first thought that came to mind, was that Ms Grant hadn’t appeared to have aged a day. She bore a regal appearance, clothes and makeup done to perfection. Even in the hazardous mess that was Kara’s editor’s office, the blonde lady had a way of making the place seem like a throne room and her the Queen.

 

The second thought that came to mind, in a sudden hazed panic, was that Kara wasn’t allowed within a hundred feet of her ex-boss.

 

She fidgeted in her seat, her mind coming up with more and more dramatic scenarios of how this would end. Images of being strapped into a straight jacket flashed through her brain, even though the logical part of her knew that was ridiculous.

 

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes, while the manicured woman slowly scanned the papers in front of her. Finally, her eyes stopped their pursuing to stare at Kara with pursed lips.

 

“Well, I must say your stay at the hospital has done absolutely nothing for your horrendous spelling. But… other than that, there appears to be a halfway decent book in here. Your prose is… adequate. Not great, but adequate.”

 

Kara’s face must have betrayed her confusion because Cat rolled her eyes and let the loose paper fall onto the desk while she laced her fingers together.

 

“Really Kiera, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. Speak.”

 

The last words came out more as a command, then a suggestion, and the younger blonde found herself stuttering a reply.

 

“Ms…. Ms Grant? What are you… errr… doing here? Ummm, I can’t be near you.”

 

Cat rolled her eyes.

 

“Good Lord, you were definitely not made for television,” the CEO drawled out, before quirking her head to the side.

 

“Blue House publishing? I own it. Well,” she said, waving her hand for effect. “Technically I own a company, who owns a company who owns it. Good grief, surely you knew that Keira. I’d hate to think you spent all those years under my employ and you still don’t know how to do your research.”

 

Kara blinked, before stuttering out her reply.

 

“I was… I… I’m very confused right now… You own the publishing house? Are you… the reason they decided to sign me?”

 

Cat shrugged half-heartedly.

 

“Not in so many words. A little bird told may have let slip that you were looking to publish a book, and once you had secured an interview here I may have nudged them to consider it seriously.”

 

Kara let out a breath of air, a faint tinge of disappointment lingering in her stomach.

 

“So… I didn’t get this on my own? It was... a weird form of nepotism?”

 

Cat gave her a look filled with disdain, instantly making Kara feel small.

 

“Please Keira, don’t be naive. I may have suggested that your work be considered seriously instead of just thrown on the pile, but you certainly wouldn’t have gotten this far if it wasn’t on your own merit. I don't place bets on losing horses as it were… particularly those who have threatened violence on me.”

 

Kara blanched, and an explosion of guilt erupted in her stomach while tears filled her eyes. She hastily tried to wipe them away, but Cat’s eyes lingered as a single one managed to escape and fall onto the desk.

 

“Please, Keira. Don’t snivel.”

 

“Why are you doing this for me? After what I did to you. If anything, you should be trying to ruin me.”

 

Cat stood to her feet and moved to stare out the window and look down on the busy street below. She didn’t speak for a minute, but when she finally turned an unusually gentle expression crossed her face.

 

“It has been said, that I am rather difficult to work with. I demand excellence, perfection and professionalism above all else. I’ve earned to right to be respected. In turn, though, I owe it to my employees to care for their wellbeing. Just a little.”

 

The older blonde smiled, a sight that shocked Kara slightly.

 

“Years ago, a young, earnest girl with absolutely no qualifications in media turned up in my office demanding a job. She said, and I quote, ‘I will do anything you want me to do, to get a job reporting here’. Of course, I hired her on the spot. Over the course of two years, she worked herself to the bone for me. I should have noticed the signs, but the level of effort was so extraordinary I didn’t even consider that your extreme competence could be linked to something else. I assumed, that for once, I found someone who was good at their word to work their ass off.”

 

The woman turned, and sat back again, before looking at Kara with a neutral expression.

 

“So it was much to my dismay, when I had rewarded your efforts, that you betrayed my faith and trust in you by stealing a story from a third-rate blogger on the internet.”

 

Kara looked down at her feet, the swell of shame rising in her chest.

 

“I didn’t… what I did was wrong Ms Grant. And what I did after… it was unforgivable.”

 

Cat arched an eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest.

 

“Well, it’s not the first time someone has had a temper tantrum in my office. Granted, not all of them have been quite as dramatic as yours. It hurt when you took my car, I won’t lie. It hurt more, that the woman I considered my protege betrayed my trust like that. And it hurt the most... when I realised I had failed you most of all.”

 

Kara’s brow creased.

 

“What are you-“

 

Cat cut her off with a wave of her hand.

 

“My company strives to be inclusive and understanding. I take the health of my employees seriously Keira. To realise that I had someone working so close to me, and to have totally missed the signs that something wasn’t right was unforgivable. And for that, I apologise.”

 

The younger blonde was stunned to silence. Never, in her entire time of working for the other woman, had she ever heard her apologise. Finally, after Cat’s face slipped to bored, she found her words.

 

“No, no! Ms Grant, you shouldn’t apologise, I should apologise. You didn’t do anything wrong, it was all me. Yes, I know now about my bipolar. But while that may explain my actions, it doesn’t excuse them. I should never have… It wasn’t your fault.”

 

The woman shrugged but continued regardless.

 

“Regardless, what occurred did have a silver lining. I realised that the health insurance for my employees was severely lacking when it came to coverage for mental health issues. Also, I now have mandatory training in place to recognise the signs that another employee may be struggling. It doesn’t stop what happened to you, but hopefully, it can help something like that ever occurring again.”

 

The younger woman stared at her former boss, stunned. 

 

“Ms Grant… that’s amazing!” She said with a million dollar smile.

 

A small smirk played at the corners of the older woman’s lips, but it quickly disappeared with another wave of her hand.

 

“Yes, well…. I only have so much money to spend on my computers. I can’t have any more thrown across the room in a rage.”

 

Kara’s face flushed.

 

“Oh well… sorry again.”

 

A minute passed, while Kara absorbed all the information she had been giving that day. A final piece of a puzzle in her head finally clicked into place and she looked back up at Cat with wonder.

 

“You were the one, weren’t you. The person who paid for my stay in Krypton,” she said with a breath.

 

The older woman didn’t reply straight away, her eyes searching Kara’s own. Finally, she realised a short nod, that made Kara lean back in her seat. The younger woman’s eyes began to swim again with tears of gratitude.

 

“I couldn’t have my best employee stuck in an overburdened state care facility now could I. I must say, I was abysmally disappointed in the DA’s department at the time of your arrest. I had to push significantly for you to be allowed to have a psychiatric assessment.”

 

The tears managed to escape Kara’s eyes, and it took all of her straight not to launch across the table to give her stern boss a bear hug.

 

“I… Ms Grant. I think you helped save my life. I can… thank you.”

 

The other woman sniffed dismissively, giving Kara a look of fond disgust as she nudged the box of tissues on Sebastian’s desk towards her.

 

“Please stop snivelling Keira. Your stay, while expensive, was well worth the money. I must say, you seem to have come out of the other side quite well. I thought for a minute that you were going to languish in self-pity at that coffee shop forever, but this,” she said, pointing to the papers between them.

 

Cat let a full smile grace her face.

 

“This shows a remarkable emotional depth. I’m very proud of you, Kara.”

 

The younger blonde couldn’t speak, the well of gratitude in her chest fit to burst with all the emotions she was feeling.  


 

“Ms Grant… I don’t have the words.”

 

The CEO let out a chuckle, again a strangely foreign sound to Kara’s ears.

 

“Then say nothing at all. Just know this, your journey may have had its struggles and hardships. I sure there are many things you wish you could change. Actions you could take back. But we can’t change the past, only learn from it as you move toward the future. Now, I’ll leave you to it. I think I scared away Sebastian, so you may have to wait a few minutes before he crawls out from the closet he hid in when he saw me.”

 

Cat stood to her feet, slung her handbag over her shoulder and moved towards the door. Kara scrambled to her own to stand next to her. The CEO turned to face her former employee and gave her a serious look.

 

“Once this book is published… Once you have proven to me and yourself that you are ready, there will be a job waiting for you back at CatCo.”

 

“Ms Grant-“ Kara tried to say, but Cat cut her off again with a hand wave.

 

“It won’t be easy. You’ll have to work your way up from nothing, surrounded by rumours and prejudice. But if you’re strong enough and brave enough, I believe you can do it again.”

 

Kara couldn’t help it, she pulled the surprised woman in for a gentle hug. The blonde was shocked when the other woman didn’t pull away, even returning the gesture slightly. When she finally stood back, the bipolar woman could have sworn she saw a sheen in the older woman’s eyes but it disappeared quickly.

 

“Ms Grant, thank you,” she finally said simply.

 

Cat let out a final nod, before exiting the office.

 

“Well, that’s enough sweetness for the decade. If you’ll excuse me.”

 

* * *

 

“Cheers! To my baby sister, who I am so proud of today.”

 

Alex raised her glass of champagne and the other woman followed suit, clinking them together easily. The second they all had a sip, her redheaded sister pulled Kara in for her ninth hug of the night. Maggie and Lucy quickly followed suit, her best friend managing to get the blonde into half a headlock which made Kara laugh.

 

“You go, Kara! Fucking amazing job,” Lucy finally said when she released her with a grin.

 

Kara smiled at the gathered women and looked down at the floor with a flush.

 

“Thanks, guys… it all feels a bit, surreal.”

 

Maggie gave her a dimpled smile.

 

“You earned it, Little Danvers.”

 

The blonde smiled, but it was bittersweet.

 

“I was lucky.”

 

Alex gave her an incredulous look.

 

“How’d you figure that?”

 

Kara gestured around.

 

“I’m lucky because I have you guys. I have my family to support me. Great friends. I was sent to the best mental health facility in the state and I didn’t have to pay a dime. I can’t help but think… there are so many people out there, who suffer so badly and struggle so much. And they’ll never be able to achieve what I have because they’ll never be given this.”

 

The blonde watched as her sister started to cry, Maggie rubbing her back.

 

“I’ve been so privileged… It seems, unfair to those other people.”

 

“Kara, you can’t feel guilty because of it,” Lucy said with a gentle smile.

 

The blonde shook her head.

 

“I don’t feel guilty because of it, I feel grateful. And I feel like now, I owe it to those people to help them in any way that I can. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I know I want to.”

 

Alex sniffed, and then gathered her sister into another hug.

 

“You’ve got such a good heart. Kara Danvers is definitely my favourite person.”

 

Lucy joined the hug, making the sisters laugh.

 

“Mine too.”

 

Once they let go, Maggie smiled at Kara before giving Alex a loving look. 

 

“Well I’m not going to lie, my favourite person is your sister. What can I say? I love this dork.”

 

The blonde grinned as her sister blushed.

 

“Just the way it should be.”

 

Suddenly, there was a tap on the door.

 

Alex looked up from her deep staring into Maggie’s eyes and turned to her blonde sister.

 

“Crap, that must be the Chinese food. Can you get it, Kara?”

 

“Sure,” Kara said, walking towards the door, gathering the money off the end table to pay the delivery boy.

 

“Hey, Kara!” Lucy shouted when she turned away. “Try and leave some potstickers for the rest of us.”

 

The blonde let out a laugh and opened the door wide.

 

“Not a chance, Luce. You know I’d kill for my-“

 

The blonde stopped mid-speech and stared stunned at the riveting green eyes in front of her. 

 

Lena looked tired, dressed in sweats with a duffle bag over her shoulder and an MIT shirt on. Her face curled into a beautiful smile at the sight of Kara and she dropped her bag onto the corridor floor with a thud.

 

“Sorry I’m not the Chinese food,” she said with a slight laugh.

 

Kara stepped forward slowly, without making a sound, and a hint of uncertainty crossed Lena’s face.

 

“I’m sorry for showing up unannounced like this, I just wanted it to be a surpr-“

 

The blonde cut off the shorter woman suddenly, by sweeping her into a bone crushing hug that lifted Lena from the floor and forced the air from her lungs. The ex CEO let out a breathless laugh, and she nuzzled her face into the corner of Kara’s neck. The blonde felt a few tears fall down her face, as she swayed the both of them silently.

 

“God,” Lena said softly, next to Kara’s ear. “Is it weird that I missed what you smell like? Like sunlight on sheets.”

 

“You smell like the rain to me,” The blonde whispered back just as softly before gently lowering Lena back to her feet and staring into her eyes with wonder. 

 

The brunette reached up gently and traced Kara’s cheek with her fingers, her eyes filled with joy.

 

“Kara, I missed y-“

 

The taller woman cut her off again, by capturing her lips with her own. The brunette moaned into the kiss, wrapping her arms around the other woman’s neck, trying to pull the blonde in deeper. The blue-eyed woman walked her girlfriend slowly backwards, until she bumped into the fire extinguisher in the hallway, making her let out a laugh. 

 

Kara panted slightly, her eyes inches from Lena’s.

 

“It feels like a dream, you standing here in front of me.”

 

“I can assure you, darling. I’m real and I’m here,” the brunette replied gently, picking up the blonde’s hand and placing it gently over her heart.

 

The bipolar woman’s eyes darkened slightly, and she leant back in for a kiss by was interrupted when a soft projectile hit the back of her head.

 

She turned around in annoyance, to find a smirking Lucy Lane leaning against the doorway.

 

“Jesus, Kara. Did someone tell you that if you make out with the delivery girl you get free potstickers?”

 

“I’m going to kill you,” Kara growled out, making Lena chuckle in her arms and Lucy’s smirk widened.

 

“Good. Maybe then I’ll get to miss out on two adorably googly-eyed couples staring into each other’s eyes all night.”

 

Kara bent to pick up the pillow the short-haired woman had thrown at her and lobbed it right back with enough force that the lawyer had to take a step back. 

 

The blonde felt Lena curl her fingers around her biceps, and with a gentle squeeze, she drew Kara’s attention back to the brunette’s.

 

“Don’t you think, we should go inside? Or were you planning on keeping me out here all night?” She teased.

 

Kara pulled the other woman in for a gentle hug this time and whispered in her ear.

 

“I was planning on keeping you with me forever, but I don’t really know how feasible that will be.”

 

“How about we worry about that tomorrow?”

 

* * *

 

Later that night, when Lucy was crashed out on the couch snoring and Alex and Maggie had stumbled off to bed, Kara tugged Lena quietly in the direction of her room.

 

“Are you sure it’s ok that I stay here tonight?” Lena whispered softly to the blonde.

 

Kara gave their joined hands a light squeeze and pulled the other woman in for a soft kiss.

 

“I don’t want you staying anywhere else but here. I want you with me,” she whispered into her girlfriend’s lips.

 

Lena smiled against her mouth and nodded.

 

The blonde shut the door quietly behind them and watched as Lena looked slowly around the room. Taking in the stacks of papers and books, as well as the pin-up of Kara’s storyboard with a smile. She sat down on the edge of the bed and stared up at the taller woman.

 

“I won’t lie. This feels weird. After all that time in Krypton, and not being near you all the time…”

 

Kara stepped forward and knelt in front of Lena so they were at the same eye level. She pushed back a strand of loose hair behind the brunette’s ear, causing Lena to shudder slightly at the feeling.

 

“Is it a good weird though?” Kara asked softly, her eyes wandering over Lena’s face hungrily. Trying to memorise her girlfriend’s features as if she might disappear.

 

The brunette caught Kara’s hand as it started to fall and placed a gentle kiss on her open palm.

 

“Definitely a good weird.”

 

She held onto the blue-eyed woman’s hand for a minute in silence, before leaning in and resting her forehead against the blonde woman’s.

 

“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered with awe, making Kara’s heart swell.

 

The blonde cupped her girlfriend’s cheek and whispered back.

 

“I can’t believe you’re here. Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving the hospital?”

 

The corners of Lena’s eyes crinkled.

 

“I wanted to surprise you.”

 

Kara smiled, before leaning in close to whisper against her girlfriend’s mouth.

 

“It was a good surprise.”

 

She pressed a soft kiss against Lena’s lips, which quickly grew more passionate as the brunette laid back on the bed, pulling Kara with her. It was still a slow kiss though, Kara taking the time to explore Lena’s mouth as one of her hands braced her above the other woman, and the other explored the green-eyed woman’s side.

 

“I didn’t think it was possible, but I don’t think I have ever found you more attractive,” she said softly after they took a break for air, while Kara played with the bottom of Lena’s shirt.

 

“How is it we always end up in this position?” The brunette said with laughter. 

 

Kara quickly kissed her again to swallow the sound which turned into a drawn-out moan when the blonde slipped her hand underneath the shirt, finally touching her girlfriend’s skin.

 

“Careful, baby,” the blonde teased, while Lena’s eyes darkened. “We aren’t the only ones in the apartment now.”

 

Lena bit her lip to stop herself from whimpering when the blonde’s hand drifted away from where Kara knew she so desperately wanted it to go.

 

“Kara… don’t tease.”

 

The blonde stopped her movement, and Lena opened her eyes to find Kara’s mischievous look changed to one of adoration.

 

“God, I missed you,” she said quietly before removing her hand completely, making Lena release a defeated sigh,

 

“Let me guess… you still want to woo me?” She asked in a sarcastic tone, that was softened somewhat by her playful smile.

 

Kara nodded, before pushing herself off the other woman and giving her a hand up.

 

“Don’t say it like that gorgeous. I made a promise to you, remember? I intend to keep it.”

 

Lena sighed, before flopping back down on the bed.

 

“I’m starting to feel like a frustrated nun over here Kara.”

 

The blonde watched her with a soft look, before leaning back over her and speaking with a smile.

 

“Are you doing anything tomorrow?”

 

Lena braced herself on her elbows and replied with a smirk.

 

“I didn’t really have a plan beyond seeing you, darling.”

 

The blonde laughed and caressed her girlfriend's cheek.

 

“Well, I have the day off work. It’s short notice, but I promise you. Tomorrow night, I will make all your dreams come true.”

 

The ex CEO smiled wider.

 

“Is that so? Are you my white knight coming to sweep me off my feet?”

 

The blonde leant in closer and whispered her reply.

 

“You know it, baby. So best get your rest tonight. You’ll need it.”

 

Lena's eyes dilated, and she answered in a husky whisper.

 

“Is that a promise?”

 

“It’s a guarantee.”

 

* * *

 

Kara lay awake most of the night, her fingers stroking through Lena’s hair aimlessly while she stared up at the ceiling. Whenever she stopped her ministrations, the brunette would nuzzle into her neck sleepily and murmur something unintelligible so the blonde continued with a smile.

 

It wasn’t every day you get offered a book contract, told you are officially a free woman and get reunited with your girlfriend Kara thought with a smile. Surely no one should blame her for not being able to sleep. 

 

A large part of her never wanted this day to end. 

 

“Why are you still awake?” Lena whispered out sleepily, startling the blonde.

 

Kara looked down at her girlfriend’s closed eyes with fondness and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

 

“How can I fall asleep, when the love of my life is lying in my arms?” She questioned gently.

 

One of Lena’s eyes fluttered open halfway and her lips curled into a smile as she pressed herself closer to Kara.

 

“If that’s your thinking, you’ll never sleep again.”

 

The blonde laughed before relaxing further into her pillow and tilting her face so it was an inch before the brunettes.

 

“Does that mean you want to fall asleep in my arms forever?” She whispered.

 

Lena nodded.

 

“Forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT DO WE THINK!!!! My teeth are rotting from the sweetness of writing it, so I bet a few of you have keeled over from the sugar rush. Let me know in the comments below :)


	25. Sanity Is Madness Put To Good Use

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people :) I am in a very, very good mood this week. Must have been that huge injection of fluff from the last chapter. This one's a bit of a mixed bag, but we end on a great note I think! Also, if you haven't noticed already.... after this chapter we have only a few more to go! Well, I say a few but it's more like a small bunch. Anyway, let me know if you enjoy!

Lena woke up, unsure of where she was. She craned her head slightly, confused until she heard the soft snores and gaping mouth of her girlfriend laying beside her. The brunette stifled a giggle when a little bit of drool ran out of the corner of the blonde’s mouth.

 

The site made her incandescently happy, and that was something a year ago she never thought she would have thought. A year ago, on the way to rock bottom, she never would’ve thought that happiness of any kind was possible.

 

Her thoughts were interrupted when Kara turned onto her side and slung an arm around Lena’s waist with a low whine. The green-eyed woman began to trace patterns gently along the other woman’s forearm. Kara began to stir softly, and her breath evened out.

 

“That tickles,” she finally said gruffly, without opening her eyes.

 

Lena smiled before leaning in to rest her forehead against the other woman’s.

 

“Good Morning, darling,” she said huskily.

 

The blonde let out a happy sigh and wrapped her arms even tighter around the other woman’s waist.

 

“Morning.”

 

Lena’s smile grew when the other woman refused to let her go.

 

“We can’t stay in bed forever.”

 

“I’m afraid, if I open my eyes, you’ll disappear.”

 

“Never.”

 

Kara finally opened her eyes, blinking at the light before her smile widened. She leant in for a kiss, but Lena stopped her by pressing a single finger to her lips.

 

“Do you know that you drool in your sleep,” she asked, laughing at the blonde’s indigent face.

 

“I do not!”

 

The brunette giggled when despite her protests, Kara hastily wiped her mouth. Lena took the chance to slip out from under the covers to stand. The green-eyed woman noted with satisfaction the way her girlfriend’s eyes lingered on her exposed midriff when she stretched.

 

“See something you like?” Lena teased with a smirk.

 

The blonde flushed slightly, but quickly shuffled to the end of the bed, within arms reach of Lena so she could pull her in for a deep kiss. The ex CEO let out a hum when she was finally released and blinked lazily down at the other woman while Kara stared up at her with adoring eyes.

 

“Kara, I-“ She began to say before a loud pounding on the door interrupted her.

 

“Can you two stop fucking, and come out to help with breakfast?” Lucy’s voice sounded loudly through the door.

 

Lena blushed lightly and Kara let out a deep groan before replying in an agitated voice.

 

“Go away!” She yelled back.

 

There was a small pause, before Lucy responded again, her voice fading as she walked away from the door.

 

“I swear to Christ Kara if you force me to eat anything your sister makes I will kill you.”

 

The blonde woman rolled her eyes, before turning back to face Lena with a smile, her hands rubbing small circles on the brunette’s lower back.

 

“What do you say? I can make you my world famous pancakes?” She said with an easy grin.

 

Lena hummed, before letting out a soft nod.

 

“Well, if they’re the world’s best… how can I say no?”

 

* * *

 

Lena blushed at Maggie’s raised eyebrow when Kara casually placed a hand on her thigh. Lucy noticed the gesture as well and a smirk grew on her face. Kara, however, was completely oblivious. Letting her hand drop and eagerly digging into her absurd stack of pancakes.

 

“I see you don’t have issues with PDA?” The psychologist asked with a dimpled smile.

 

The blonde looked up from her plate, her mouth covered in syrup and smiled widely.

 

“Nope. Not me at least,” she said before giving Lena a loving look that made the brunette feel gooey inside. “No more pretending I’m not madly in love for me.”

 

“Ughh,” Lucy said with a disgusted expression. “I’ll take loud, hot, sweaty, closet sex over long and loving stares any day.”

 

“Well it’s a good thing nobody’s looking at you that way, then isn’t it?” Kara said with a sniff, before resuming her attack on her breakfast.

 

The shorthaired woman narrowed her eyes and took a long sip of her coffee.

 

“I’ll have you know, I’m in high demand.”

 

Alex walked into the room, towelling her wet hair and pulling up a seat next to Maggie.

 

“Everyone knows you’re in high demand, Lucy,” the redhead said with a sly grin, before reaching over to snatch a piece of toast of the other shorthaired woman’s plate.

 

“What is this, bash on Lucy morning?” The lawyer said, indignant.

 

The rest of the table let out a collective laugh, and Lena felt a warm glow fill her chest.

 

This was the first time in her life she could honestly say that she felt fully content with a group of people. No pressure to conform, free in the world. Eating and laughing. 

 

Her eyes turned to Kara, who had miraculously finished her stack of food and watched her fondly. After a minute, the blonde noticed and turned to look at her with an easy grin.

 

“See something you like?” She said cheekily, echoing the brunette’s words from earlier in the morning.

 

She leant towards the other woman.

 

“I’d like to see more of it.”

 

As Kara turned scarlet, Lucy pushed the bottle of syrup across the table towards her.

 

“I reckon tonight, it should just be you, Kara and this bottle. Just think, all the possibilities. Kara, drizzling the bottle right down to-“

 

Her blonde girlfriend picked up the bottle and threw it hard at the lawyers head, causing it to explode all over her face. 

 

Maggie and Lena burst into laughter, while Alex glared at Kara and Lucy wiped the syrup from her eyes.

 

“You’re cleaning that up,” Alex said with a scowl, chucking a packet of wipes towards her sister and a tea towel at Lena’s head.

 

“Wait, what did I do?” The brunette asked with indignation.

 

Maggie arched an eyebrow before collecting their empty plates.

 

“What’s her’s is your’s, didn’t you get the memo?”

 

The brunette flushed while Kara gave the psychologist a dark look before starting to wipe down the table. Alex dragged a protesting Lucy by the elbow off to the shower and Lena began to help her girlfriend.

 

“Sorry, Lucy was just being her usual self,” the blonde said with an apologetic look.

 

“And Maggie,” she said in annoyance, eyeing up the back of the chuckling Latina. “Was just bored.”

 

Lena gave her girlfriend a half smile.

 

“I love it. It’s like having a real family,” she said cheerfully.

 

The blonde caught her wrist and drew her attention away from the table.

 

“We are your real family. Luce, Clark, Alex and Maggie,” she said with a head jerk in the psychologist’s direction. 

 

She turned her attention back to Lena’s and stared seriously into her eyes.

 

“I’m your family.”

 

The brunette felt a few unwanted tears well in her eyes, and Kara pulled her in for a tight hug.

 

“God, with all the crying we do, we should probably invest in tissues,” the blonde said, making Lena laugh.

 

“I’ll call my stockbroker.”

 

There was a small pause while Kara shook her head incredulously. 

 

“I can’t believe I’m dating someone who has a stockbroker. And a company. And is a billionaire. Talk about rising above my station.”

 

The brunette stood to her feet and moved to straddle Kara, looping her arms around the blonde’s neck with a smirk.

 

“Don’t tell me I’m scaring you off?”

 

The other woman smirked as well, her hands gripping Lena’s hips tightly.

 

“God no,” she said in an ecstatic voice. “I’m looking forward to being a kept woman. You can be my Sugar Mama while I laze around the house.”

 

Lena tilted her head and pursed her lips in thought.

 

“I find the thought oddly attractive. But I have no doubt that you’d be writing within five minutes.”

 

The blonde laughed.

 

“Well, it sounded like a good idea in my head,” she said cheerfully before puling Lena in for a long kiss.

 

“Is this what we look like?” Alex’s voice sounded in a mock whisper to Maggie when she returned, and Lena broke apart from Kara with a flush when she remembered that had an audience.

 

Maggie smiled and slung an arm around the redhead’s shoulder.

 

“No way, we’re way cuter,” she said, pressing a quick kiss to the agent’s cheek.

 

Lucy walked in next, towering the ends of her wet hair and shooting Kara a mock glare before smiling widely and patting Alex conciliatory on the shoulder.

 

“You’re not. Sorry Sanvers, but these two are totally my OTP.”

 

Lena blushed again and the blonde gripped her chin tightly with her fingers, forcing the green-eyed woman to look at her.

 

“Ignore them,” Kara said with a low growl. “They clearly have nothing better to do. Reality TV is too boring for them apparently, so they need to stare at us.”  


 

The blonde turned to face the other three women with a scowl, her fingers still passively splayed on Lena’s waist.

 

“Do you need some popcorn? Maybe a coke?” She asked in an annoyed voice.

 

Alex huffed and threw her hands up in the air.

 

“Fine! I’ve got to get to work anyway,” the redhead said before kissing Maggie again quickly and waving goodbye to the rest of them before gathering her keys.

 

Lucy was next.

 

“Yeah, I’ve got to go home to my apartment to change. Get the last of the syrup out of my hair,” she said with a final glare at Kara before also exiting the apartment.

 

Kara turned to face Maggie next, the other woman pouring herself a cup of tea.

 

“What about you Mags? You make the drive back inland to your house today?”

 

The psychologist shook her head.  


 

“No. I won’t leave until Sunday night. Want to spend the weekend with my girl,” the Latina woman said with a dimpled grin before settling down on the couch with her mug and a newspaper.

 

Kara turned to face Lena, her fingers rubbing slow patterns into her skin. 

 

“Maybe I can leave you with Maggie then,” she said with a smile.

 

“Why? Where are you going?” Lena said in a curious voice.

 

“I thought you didn’t have work today?” Maggie shouted from the couch.

 

Kara’s mouth twitched in annoyance.

 

“I don’t… but I’ve got things to organise,” she said evasively.

 

Lena smirked.

 

“What do you have to organise?”

 

Kara’s mouth twisted.

 

“Just… things. Is it ok if I leave you on your first day out? I want to make sure everything tonight is perfect,” she said, her face breaking into a smile.

 

The corners of Lena’s eyes crinkled as she copied her girlfriend’s smile.

 

“What’s happening tonight?” Maggie shouted again, making Lena laugh as Kara’s face turned red.

 

“Nothing that involves you!” The blonde shouted back in annoyance, while Maggie and Lena restrained their giggles. Kara’s eyes turned back to face the brunette and pointedly ignored her reaction. “Anyway, will you be ok?”

 

Lena’s thoughts drifted to what she wanted to do today but bit her tongue to stop herself from telling her girlfriend. That wasn’t something that needed to be said before she got all her ducks in a row.

 

“Sure. I’ve got some things to do anyway,” she replied casually. “You’re not going to go all ridiculous tonight?”

 

Kara smirked.

 

“Define ridiculous? ‘Paper cutout’s decorating the hall’ ridiculous?”

 

Lena rolled her eyes.

 

“Fair point.”

 

The blonde smiles and hugged the brunette close.

 

“Don’t worry. I’ll keep it… relatively low key.”

 

“No international trips Kara!” Maggie shouted again.

 

Kara let out a low growl in the dimpled woman’s direction.

 

“Right… no international trips,” she said annoyed again.

 

Lena’s mind was suddenly flooded with images of her and Kara in London. Swimming with her in the Mediterranean Sea. Eating tiramisu in Italy.

 

She curled in fingers in the tumbling curls of Kara’s hair, drawing her attention back to her’s.

 

“I have a feeling, any date you plan will be fascinating regardless of location.”

 

The blonde nodded in satisfaction.

 

“And you’re totally right.”

 

* * *

 

“So… how does it feel to be out and about?” Maggie asked after handing Lena a cup of tea after Kara left for the day.

 

The brunette accepted it with a smile and took a sip.

 

“It feels fantastic. Like I’m ready to tackle life.”

 

Maggie smiled.

 

“That’s good. It’s good to be confident. So, what’s the plan now, hmm?”

 

The brunette hesitated, before answering noncommittally.

 

“I don’t know about today, but I’m going to get my company back. I suppose I should also go back to my apartment.”

 

The other woman tilted her head.

 

“You going to be ok with that?” She asked gently.

 

Lena shrugged.

 

“Well, I’ve got to live somewhere.”

 

Maggie’s lips pursed.

 

“I’m sure Alex wouldn’t mind if you-“

 

Lena interrupted her with a shake of her head.

 

“Stayed here? No offence Maggie, I can’t really picture me, Kara, you and Alex all living together in domestic bliss. Let’s face it, Kara’s bedroom was a converted office space.”

 

The psychologist gave her a knowing look.

 

“That and thin walls I’m guessing,” she said with a raised eyebrow.

 

Lena bit her lip.

 

“Yeah, that too.”

 

A pause grew before Maggie spoke again in a hesitant voice.

 

“But going back to that place specifically….”

 

Lena felt a curdle of annoyance grow in her stomach and crossed her arms over her chest. She reversed the action immediately when she noticed the other woman’s eye tracking it.

 

“I loved that apartment once,” she answered finally. “It was the first place that really felt like mine. Even though… even after what I did, I want that feeling back.”

 

Maggie didn’t answer fast, instead she took a long sip of tea before tilting her head in acknowledgement.  


“Well, as long as your sure.”

 

“I’m sure,” Lena said tightly.

 

A small silence grew between them again before Maggie continued her line of questioning, much to the brunette’s growing annoyance.

 

“So you’re gunning for your job back.”

 

Lena nodded.

 

“Yep. I’m going there today.”

 

Maggie halted her movements and looked at the brunette in shock and worry.

 

“Today? Lena you just got out of the hospital yesterday. You were gone for months, maybe you should take some time to acclimatise.”

 

The brunette shook her head.

 

“No time to waste. I’ve got this. I know what I want now, and who I am,” she said determinedly.

 

“Lena-“ Maggie tried to interject but was cut off by Lena’s firm look.

 

“I’ve got this Maggie.”

 

The other woman placed a gentle hand on Lena’s knee.

 

“Lena, you have to pace yourself. Transitioning back takes time. Don’t overextend yourself and start small. Build your way up.”

 

The brunette shook her head once again.

 

“I don’t want to waste any time, Maggie.”

 

“Lena, we talked about this before you left the hospital. I don’t think it will be good for your mental heal-“

 

Lena snapped and cut the other woman off.

 

“Are you going to be my psychologist or my friend? Because I’m pretty sure your job with me stopped yesterday.”

 

The words rang in the air for a minute, Lena feeling instantly guilty. Maggie stared at her for a small moment before giving her an easy smile.

 

“You’re right. But as you’re a friend, I’m still going to give you my advice. Start slow.”

 

Lena sighed and gave the other woman a pleading look, willing her to understand.

 

“Maggie, I need to do this. For me.”

 

The other woman nodded. 

 

“If that’s what you want to do, then I support you. Just please make sure you lean on the people around you. You don’t need to all of this on your own. Maybe today would be a good day to find a new therapist in the city. I can recommend a few if you like?”

 

The corner of Lena’s mouth twitched downwards but she nodded just the same.

 

“Sure….”

 

* * *

 

A swell of anxiety grew in Lena’s chest as she stepped into the lobby of her building.

 

Her building, her family’s building.

 

The rush of people walking in and out hadn’t changed. Men and women staring down at or talking on their phones. All busy, all rushing to be somewhere. It brought back a flood of memories. Of LuthorCorp’s sister company, back in Metropolis where she’d grown up. Going into the office as a toddler, stumbling after her older brother while their father showed them around the building. Visiting the labs. Moving the main branch to National City when Lionel’s health deteriorated. Lex taking over the company.

 

Lex descending further into madness while their mother dismissed it. Unbelieving when the doctor’s diagnosed him as schizophrenic.

 

Killing himself, and fourteen others, in this very place.

 

Lena looked around the floor, no indication left of the damage her brother had done. Her mother had insisted that not even a plaque would be allowed to commemorate what happened here. 

 

Lena’s eyes lingered on the monstrosity that was their family portrait. All that was allowed was tributes to their family. As if they truly were nobility.

 

For some reason, looking into the cold faces of her painted family, Lena couldn’t help but feel the lingering remnants of self-loathing she used to have stoke in her stomach. The brunette tugged on the ends of her long-sleeved shirt, feeling significantly underdressed for the meeting that was about to occur. But she steeled her spine and marched towards the main receptionist's desk.

 

The woman on the other side of the desk was rapidly typing away, her eyes glued to her screen with intense concentration. 

 

“Hello, I’m here to see Lillian Luthor. Is she in?” Lena asked.

 

The woman didn’t even glance up.

 

“Do you have a meeting?” She answered in a bored voice.

 

“Well, no,” Lena replied.

 

The other woman shook her head.

 

“You can’t just go up without-“

 

“I’m sure my mother can make time for her daughter and former CEO of the company,” Lena cut in.

 

The receptionist finally looked up from her computer, her eyes unbelieving. The green-eyed woman arched an eyebrow at the expression and jerked her head in the direction of the ten-foot portrait hanging on the wall.

 

“I would ask if you need to see my ID, but I don’t think that’ll be an issue here.”

 

The secretary spluttered and stumbled to her feet, nearly decapitating herself on her headphones.

 

“Ms... Ms Luthor! I am so sorry, I had no idea… Of course, you can… I didn’t mean to-“

 

Lena waved her hand and gave the distressed woman an easy smile.

 

“That’s perfectly alright. You were just doing your job.”

 

* * *

 

Her mother’s assistant’s jaw dropped when she saw Lena approach. Her eyes darted nervously at the open office door, the sound of Lillian’s cold voice drifting through it as she presumably talked on the phone. The younger woman stood hastily to her feet, and Lena waved her down.

 

“Mrs Luthor said just to go in Ms Luthor,” she said with a squeak. 

 

Lena gave her a reassuring smile before taking a deep breath and stepping into her old office. 

 

Not much had changed about it, the place still seemed as cold as she remembered. The walls just as white. She took a sharp intake of breath when her mother’s eyes snapped to her the second entered the room. The older woman continued to talk on the phone, saying her goodbyes while Lena stood rigid under her gaze, playing with the ends of her sleeves.

 

After a minute, Lillian hung up the phone.

 

“Lena, it is so good to see you,” he mother said with a cold smile when she finally stood to her feet and reached out to shake her hand.

 

The brunette moved forward and returned the shake. A distant part of her brain reminded her that this was the first contact she’d had with Lillian in months.

 

“Mother,” she responded dryly.

 

Lillian gestured for her to take the seat opposite herself and sat down. The older woman’s eyes lingered on Lena’s long sleeves and the younger woman stifled the urge to tug them downwards further.

 

“So..,” Lillian said, finally speaking. “You’re obviously back from your time away.”

 

The brunette felt a flush grow in her cheeks at her mother’s condescending tone.

 

“My time… my time away?” Lena said incredulously. “You say that like I was at a hotel!”

 

Lillian’s lips stretched into a placating smile, and Lena’s ire rose another level.

 

“Really, Lena. I think your self-indulgence has gone on long enough. Spending months away at a frivolous health retreat to find yourself,” the other woman said with a head shake, her disproval evident.

 

The younger woman’s eyes bulged wide, and she gripped the armrests of her chair tightly.

 

“I was in hospital, mother. It was not a ‘health retreat’ to find myself,” she said in a dangerous tone.

 

Lillian’s eyes snapped to hers, and her lips curled into a sneer.

 

“So is this you crawling back? After your attempt to pass off your responsibilities here. To our name. To our family.”

 

“You are not my family,” Lena bit out.

 

Lillian let out a cold laugh.

 

“Deny who you are all you want, Lena. But you are a Luthor. We don’t get the luxuries of other people to stop moving forward in our lives, proclaiming we need a rest.”

 

Tears sprung unbidden to the younger woman’s eyes,but she fought to restrain them from appearing.

 

“I tried to commit suicide! I was lying in that hospital bed afterwards, and not one person came to see me. My own mother didn’t come to see me. At that moment, all I wanted to do was do it again. It took all my courage to get myself help.”

 

The other woman’s face darkened.

 

“What you did was selfish. Suicide is the most selfish of acts,” she said darkly.

 

Lena sat back in shock, a well of shame sprung up in her chest only to morph into a tidal wave of anger. Anger at herself, for believing her mother even for a second. And anger at anyone who would say such a thing to anyone.

 

“Suicide isn’t selfish, mother. The fact that you think it only betrays your own ignorance. Can you even imagine, the colossal magnitude of pain I was feeling? That I felt the only option left to me, to make the pain stop, was to end my own life? I needed someone. I needed you! I was drowning and nobody cared. If I had died that day, would you have even cared?” She finished in a choked voice.

 

Lillian’s mouth twitched downwards, and she spoke her next words in a hiss.

 

“Don’t pretend to be all noble and proud of yourself Lena. I know you, and you’ve been desperate to keep this under wraps. You don’t want anyone to know what you did, and rightfully so. It’s embarrassing and shames our family name.”

 

“So Lex blowing himself and fourteen other people up in this very building doesn’t shame our family!” Lena all but shouted.

 

A sudden deathly silence descended on the room, and Lena’s words seemed to linger in the air. He mother glared at her, hatred in her eyes before she finally spoke in an ice-cold voice.

 

“Don’t you dare speak about your brother that way.”

 

A bubble of white-hot anger overflowed in Lena’s chest and she let out a mirthless laugh.

 

“Oh that’s right, I forgot mother. We don’t talk about our problems in this family do we? No, we pretend that they don’t exist. Face it mother, you ignored the fact that Lex had schizophrenia because you were too worried about what the public would think. A Luthor as a madman. Instead of committing him to treatment, you allowed his sickness to go unchecked. He entrusted you as power of attorney, and you failed him. And what have we got to show for it? Lex is dead. Fourteen people are dead. And all you have left to you is the daughter you never wanted. I was broken when I had to take over this company. I was barely able to keep my head above water, and you left it all to me. Judging me from afar. I lost everything. I needed you and you weren’t there,” Lena finished, her anger leaving her chest as the tears finally fell down her cheeks.

 

The other woman’s eyes seemed to grow pained, an echo of old grief. 

 

“You think you know anything of grief? You’ve never known the pain of losing a child,” she said in a choked voice.

 

Lena sat back in her chair, a well of sadness blooming in her own chest.

 

“The pain of losing Lex, mother. Not me,” she said finally and plainly.

 

The words rung true in the air between them before Lena tightened her resolve and spoke again.

 

“And you’re wrong, I am proud of myself. Of who I am now. I’ve learned to love myself again, and someone has fallen in love with me in turn.” 

 

Lillian let out a scoff.

 

“And where did you meet your friend? Not in your time away at that asylum?” The other woman sneered, her eyes lighting up when she noted Lena’s lack of response.

 

“Oh, of course, you always had a flair for unsavoury characters.”

 

The green-eyed woman’s eyes snapped up to her mother’s with fury.

 

“Don’t talk about her that way. You don’t know her. And you don’t know me. You never have.”

 

Lilian gave her a knowing smirk.

 

“Oh, Lena. I know you far better than you’d like to admit. Running around through college, traipsing after any girl you saw completely desperate for affection. You are such a disappointment. For all your brains, you’ve always failed to see the truth. They don’t care for you, they only want you for your money. That’s life and that’s what it means to be a Luthor. The second you let your position here slip away, your fiance left you. Do you think this new girl will be any different? Once she realises you just can’t hack it, that you’ll never be able to give her the life she dreams of when she convinced you she loved you. She will leave you broken again in the dust.”

 

The words drifted through Lena’s head, and the small part of her head that believed them swelled up. Using it as fuel to grow in size. Lena shuddered and squashed those feelings down with all her might.

 

“You’re wrong,” she finally answered. “About me, and about her. I’ve built myself up from nothing literally carrying the scars of my past on my skin. I am stronger than you ever thought I could. Then you ever allowed me to be. I am a Luthor, and this is my birthright. You told me to come back when I ‘got my head on right’. Well, here I am.”

 

Lillian appraised her for a minute, before replying in cold voice.

 

“I won’t see this company run into the ground because you can’t hack it again.”

 

The younger brunette’s resolve solidified, and she spoke in an equally cold voice.

 

“I’m still a shareholder. I still have a seat on the board, even if the rest of you ousted me from my position.”

 

The older woman’s eyebrows raised.

 

“You want to attempt a coup?”

 

“You aren’t going to live forever mother. And your blind sense of nepotism would refuse to allow this company to pass to anyone but me. Like it or not, I am a Luthor.”

 

The truth of the words echoed in the room and Lillian watched her silently for a few minutes, assessing. Finally, she cleared her throat and stood to her feet.

 

“Very well. I shall step down and convince the board to take you back. But don’t forget Lena, who has the real power here.”

 

She walked towards the door and yelled out to her timid assistant.

 

“Organise a press release. The prodigal daughter has returned.”

 

* * *

 

“Kara, where are we going?” Lena said with a laugh, as the blonde woman tugged her along the pavement.

 

“You’ll see,” Kara said smugly and with glee.

 

Lena rolled her eyes, before looking down at her clothes.

 

“Am I dressed right at least?” She asked.

 

Kara eyed her over and gave a satisfied nod.

 

“Course you are. Though you and me…” she trailed off, lingering on Lena’s expensive jacket. “Have different definitions of casual.”

 

She continued their march at that, occasionally sidestepping the odd person on their way to who knows where. Lena couldn’t stop herself from asking again.

 

“So where are we going?”

 

Kara laughed.

 

“You’ll see!” She shouted back over her shoulder, still walking furiously.

 

A few more minutes passed, and a few more twists and turns before Kara finally pulled them to a stop in front of a neon and brightly lit warehouse-sized shop. Lena tilted her head, and her eyes lingered on the sign.

 

“Is this… an arcade?”

 

The blonde next to her hovered in excitement, her arms looping around Lena from behind as she directed her eyes towards one particular sign.

 

“Not just an arcade! We’re here to play… laser tag!” She whisper shouted.

 

Lena smiled at her girlfriend’s obvious enthusiasm, even though her confusion remained.

 

“Laser tag?” She questioned.

 

The blonde tilted her head and shrugged uncertainly.

 

“Yeah, you know…. You run around in like a maze, and you have laser guns you get to shoot at each other. We get to go on teams, or we can go one on one. Whatever you want.”

 

She seemed nervous, and Lena eased her fears with an easy smile before lacing their fingers together and tugging them through the doors and towards the direction of the desk with brightly lit chest plates and guns behind it. A group of teenage boys were suiting up and Lena squinted her eyes to read the rules.

 

“So the options are one on one, or teaming up with teenagers?” Lena asked her girlfriend.

 

Before Kara could answer, one of the boys overheard her and puffed out his chest.

 

“I’ll have you know, miss, I’ve gone to the state finals before! Trust me, I’ll kick your ass,” he said in a smug voice that made the corner of Lena’s mouth twitch.

 

She made a show of eyeing him and his grinning friend’s up before squeezing Kara’s hand tight and giving her a happy smile that the blonde immediately returned.

 

“Oh? Is that a challenge?” She answered cockily before moving forward and tracing one of her fingers over the guns. “Well how about this, me and my girlfriend versus you and all your little friends?”

 

The boy smirked evilly, clearly thinking he’d wipe the floor with them, and stuck out his hand for a shake.

 

“Oh, you are so on lady.”

 

The kid turned to face his friends, obviously discussing strategy while Lena walked towards the racks to pick out her own chest plate and armour. Kara followed behind her with a wide grin.

 

“I’m loving your confidence,” she said, watching Lena closely as she smoothly locked in her armour.

 

The brunette smirked evilly.

 

“I’m a Luthor. Competition is in my blood. That being said… we don’t have to fight fair….”

 

Kara gasped in mock horror.

 

“Trying to cheat against a bunch of kids?” 

 

Lena arched an eyebrow and leaned in close to whisper.

 

“Didn’t you hear? He said he was in the state finals! If anything, he has the advantage on me.”

 

Once they were both set up, the two women walked towards the starter gate and turned to face each other.

 

“Ok,” Kara said in a determined voice, cocking her gun. “Let's do this.”

 

* * *

 

After the game ended, and the previously cock boy demanded with awe in his voice where they had learned to be so good, the two women walked out hand in hand into the street. Lena turned to face Kara with a wide smile once the cooler air hit her face.

 

“That was exhilarating! I loved it, thank you so much for taking me here. I think this was the most fun I’ve ever had on a date.”

 

Kara grinned, before tugging Lena in a new direction.  


 

“Oh, we aren’t done yet. Come on.”

 

* * *

 

“Your not secret serial killer are you?” Lena asked with wide eyes, after a fifteen-minute walk.

 

Kara had led both of them into a more industrial type area, Lena eyeing a few of the people standing in the shadows warily while the blonde breezed past them without a care in the world.

 

“No,” the blonde said with a laugh, before turning them down another corner and in the direction of rollerblading sounds and music. “I’m just taking you to see something epic.”

 

They walked around another corner and under an overpass, and Lena’s eyes were suddenly assaulted with splashes of colour of graffiti all over the walls of the place while people skated around them. A few of the closer skaters looked up at them but quickly turned back to whatever they were doing.

 

“Epic, huh?” Kara said with a grin as she pointed to various bits of wall art, that on closer inspection Lean realised with awe were quite amazing.

 

She walked forward, her fingers tracing over some of the overlapping pieces for a minute before Kara touched her elbow.

 

“See that? Right there,” Kara said looping her arms around Lena, pointing to a stretch of the graffitied wall.

 

Lena squinted briefly before her eyes widened as she recognised the familiar style.

 

“Is that…it can’t be,” she whispered before turning to look at the grinning blonde.

 

“That’s Clark’s work isn’t it?” She asked.

 

Kara nodded with a smile and tugged them closer to the section so that Lena could look closely.

 

The brunette’s eyes drifted over pictures of monsters that seemed to consume various buildings, all the while they were being shot at with laser beams of light.

 

“But, how?” She asked after a few minutes of observing.

 

“You know that he used to live on the streets, right? So for a while, he actually lived in National City. This is one of the places that he used to paint. He told me about it a long time ago, and it took me a while to find it when I got out. Honestly, I doubted I would find it,” Kara answered.

 

“I’m amazed it hasn’t been painted over,” Lena said in awe, her fingers running over the obvious self-portrait of Clark in a suit that was similar to the one he often depicted Kara in.

 

The blonde smiled widely, her eyes flashing in delight.

 

“Well, that’s the amazing part! The first time I came, this crowd noticed me staring at it and one of the girls told me the story. Apparently, Clark used to live down here. He was the one that looked out for all the runways. Typical Clark, taking anything he earned doing street portraits that day to feed them. So, it’s sacrilege to paint over that section. It’s called, and I quote, ‘Superman’s Wall’.”

 

“That’s incredible,” Lena whispered, her heart swelling with affection for the remarkable man they had left behind in Krypton.

 

Kara sighed, her eyes nostalgic, and she hugged Lena from behind again.

 

“Tell me about it,” she whispered, as they watched Clark lift a plane from the sky.

 

* * *

 

“So where are we going now?” Lena said with another smile as Kara tugged them along again.

 

The blonde turned to her, a nervous look on her face this time.

 

“Well, there is one more place… But only if you’re sure.”

 

Lena tilted her head, curious.

 

“If I’m sure?”

 

Kara stopped her walking and pointed in the direction of a brightly lit building.

 

“Is that… the Plaza?”

 

The blonde began to nervously ramble.

 

“I booked a room. It’s not a suite or anything, but I thought… a little privacy? Maybe a night without my sister and your ex-psychologist in the next room? But, only if you want to. No pressureat all.”

 

Lena stared at her, her eyes softening.

 

“Kara, you shouldn’t have,” she whispered out, touched by the effort Kara had gone to for this whole night.

 

“I wanted out date to be perfect.”

 

Lena stared at her girlfriend wordlessly for a few minutes, before taking her hand with a smile and pulling her in the direction of the hotel with a smile. 

 

* * *

 

Kara pushed open the door to reveal the room and tugged Lena inside. She kicked off her shoes unceremoniously, making the brunette giggle. The blonde’s lack of decorum in a room that Lena was convinced cost a fair amount of her month’s salary wasn’t lost on the brunette. But she found it highly endearing and quickly did the same.

 

The blonde walked towards the bed quietly, before turning to face Lena. 

 

She nibbled on her lower lip before speaking with a sheepish grin.

 

“You know, now that the moment is here I find myself feeling a little nervous.”

 

Lena smirked and looped her arms around Kara’s neck before answering with a smile.

 

“Built it up too much in your head? Afraid you might have oversold yourself?”

 

The blonde returned the smirk and leant in slightly before responding.

 

“Oh baby, don’t worry. That won’t be the issue,” she said huskily, making the brunette’s eyes dilate slightly.

 

“That’s good to hear…,” she said in a low purr, making Kara hum in satisfaction.

 

They stood silently for a minute before Lena cleared her throat and spoke. 

 

“Tonight was… perfect,” she said, honestly lacing her voice.

 

The blonde smiled widely.

 

“Well, I try,” Kara said with a laugh.

 

The blonde stared at Lena with a soft expression before unloosing her hands, to hold them in her own. The other woman frowned slightly in confusion let herself be pulled towards her girlfriend. Kara pressed herself close, her other hand gripping Lena’s waist, and started to sway.

 

“What are you doing?” The green-eyed woman asked with a laugh.

 

The blonde hummed something non-sensical and moved to twirl Lena around.

 

“Isn’t it obvious? We’re dancing,” Kara said with a smile when the brunette turned back to face her.

 

“There’s no music,” Lena said with a smirk.

 

The blonde arched an eyebrow before she started to hum her random tune again. The green-eyed woman rolled her eyes but allowed herself to be pulled along, timing her steps to match her girlfriend’s. They slowly inched their way around the room until the back of Kara’s legs hit the foot of the bed. She struggled to stop her self from stumbling, but half fell back on the bed with a laugh. 

 

“Sorry, I’m breaking the illusion of a romantic grand ball,” she said, looking up at Lena with a smile.

 

The brunette moved closer and straddled the other woman, pushing Kara back so she was lying on her back fully. 

 

“I don’t know, it seems pretty romantic to me. A hotel room… a beautiful woman beneath me… a whole night to ourselves… What could be better than this?” She questioned with an arched eyebrow.

 

Kara reached up to pull Lena closer.

 

“It would be better if you kissed me,” she said with a smirk.

 

The brunette placed her hands gently on either side of her girlfriend’s face before leaning in for a long, slow kiss. Kara tried to deepen the kiss quickly but relented when Lena smiled against her lips.

 

“No, no darling. Nice and slow. You know… just like all the wooing you’ve been doing.”

 

The blonde let out a whine but didn’t say anything. The brunette’s smirk grew, and she leant down again for another long kiss. Kara let her stay in control, even letting out a sharp gasp when Lena nipped her lip slightly.

 

“What happened to slow?” She said breathlessly.

 

Lena laughed.

 

“My rules, darling. My rules. Now tell me…what else do you want me to do now?”

 

Kara took Lena’s hands in her own and hovered them over her body.

 

“You could touch me,” she said quickly.

 

The brunette pretended to think it over, grinding her body down against her girlfriend’s and making the blonde let out a low moan.

 

“Mmmm, how?” She teased.

 

The bipolar woman was quickly losing her patience, and sat up quickly, pressing Lena’s hands up under her shirt in one swift movement. Lena felt a hint of hunger as her fingers traced over the blonde’s tight abs. She smirked slightly when she realised that her girlfriend was flexing deliberately.

 

The blonde moved her own hands to play with the bottom of Lena’s shirt. She didn’t make a move though and instead turned her eyes to face Lena’s with a question on her lips.

 

“I want to see you. I want to see all of you,” she asked simply.

 

The brunette arched an eyebrow.

 

“Are you sure?” She teased.

 

Kara didn’t rise to the bait and instead pulled the brunette in for a short, sweet kiss.

 

“I’ve never been surer of anything in my life,” she said once it broke.

 

Lena gave her a soft nod of permission and lifted her arms. Kara pulled her shirt off swiftly, and the brunette watched as the blonde’s eyes traced over her form. The normal electric blue seeming to darken a few shades.

 

“God you’re beautiful,” she whispered huskily.

 

“You’ve got the sweet talk on lockdown, don’t you,” Lena replied.

 

The blonde gave her a piercing look.

 

“It’s true though. You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

 

Lena was unable to reply because Kara suddenly flipped them over. Her on her back now, and the blonde hovering over her.

 

“The most beautiful thing,” she whispered out.

 

The blonde reached under Lena’s back quickly, unhooking her bra in a swift movement. Lena shrugged it off, and contrary to her earlier plans swiftly pulled off her girlfriend’s shirt and did the same. It was a mess of hands and clothing for a minute before both women wear finally naked in front of each other.

 

The stared quietly for a moment before the brunette spoke softly.

 

“I love you.”

 

The blonde grinned at Lena’s breathless voice. She moved her hands smoothly up the brunette’s legs, making the green-eyed woman shiver in response.

 

“Tell me what you want me to do,” Kara said huskily, gazing up at Lena from her abdomen while her fingers splayed on the green-eyed woman’s hips.

 

The brunette grabbed at one of the blonde’s hands, and moved it quickly, making herself gasp.

 

“Everything,” she whimpered.

 

* * *

 

Lena watched through half-lidded eyes as Kara slinked out of the bed to turn the lights off. The shadows of the city bathed the room as the blonde pushed back the covers and slid back into bed, turning her head to face her girlfriend.

 

“Hi…” She whispered her mouth a centimetre from the brunettes. 

 

“Hi,” Lena whispered back with a smile.

 

The watched each other silently, Lena’s eyes darting over the blonde’s face trying to burn the image into her mind forever. Kara gave her a half smile before asking her a question in a curious tone.

 

“How is it, that every day I love you more than the last?”

 

The brunette almost laughed at her girlfriend’s slightly confused voice.

 

“I don’t know… maybe I’m warping your mind,” she answered with a smirk.

 

The bipolar laughed at the answer.

 

“You mean; like you’re an alien?” She said in mock shock, her eyes widening.

 

The green-eyed woman reached up to brush the tips of her fingers across Kara’s lips.

 

“You would know… Supergirl,” she whispered huskily.

 

Kara smiled, pressing a quick kiss to Lena’s open palm before wiggling her eyebrows lasciviously.

 

“If you are an alien, I’m still glad you chose me. You can probe me anytime.”

 

The brunette let out a snort and a sudden laugh that brought tears to her eyes.

 

“…That was the worst joke I’ve ever heard in my life,” she said once she regained her breath.

 

The blonde woman arched an eyebrow with a smile.

 

“Well it made you laugh, didn’t it?”

 

“Only because I love you,” Lena teased.

 

The blonde smiled at that but didn’t respond. Instead, the pair stared at each other, the quiet if the room making Lena’s eyelids slowly droop downwards. Before she could fall asleep totally, she let out one final whisper.

 

“Kara, I think you’re the most extraordinary person I’ve ever met. If I can do one thing tomorrow to be a better person, it would to be more like you.”

 

The blonde smirked.

 

“No, no. I can’t have you just like me. The world couldn’t take it,” she said in a lofty voice, making Lena roll her eyes.

 

“See, now I’ve done it. I’ve inflated your ego beyond repair. No hope for you now,” the brunette said with a sniff, before turning her back to Kara’s.

 

A few seconds passed before she felt her girlfriend’s arm snake around her waist and pull her close.

 

“As long as you’re with me, I have the feeling there will always be hope in my life.”

 

Lena’s heart melted a little, and she pulled the blonde’s hands tighter around her waist.

 

“Go to sleep, darling. I’ll still be here in the morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do we think? What do we feel? How are we still here? I'm giving myself emotional whiplash! Let me know what you think!


	26. Don't Fake Being Ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter this week! I'm determined to get this story done before the month is out :) It's consuming MEEEEEE!!!

Kara hesitated before rapping her knuckles on the deep brown door, a clutch of flowers gripped in her fist. The door opened with a yank a few seconds later and the blonde was faced with a scowling Lena who was talking furiously on her mobile phone.

 

“I don’t care how what the old contracts said, Jerry. They are completely against my company’s interests and I won’t accept them,” she said sternly, gesturing for Kara to come in with her other hand. 

 

The blonde followed her cautiously, looking around the spacious apartment, her eyes lingering on the obviously new furniture and the living room area with the jaw-dropping view of the city. She placed the flowers down gently on the table before hopping up on a counter stool and swivelling around to watch her girlfriend pace across the room. Lena was still arguing furiously with whoever was on the other line. 

 

“I don’t care Jerry. Whatever it takes,” she said finally, before hanging up the phone. 

 

She turned to face Kara with that the blonde returned. The brunette was barely able to take two steps towards her before a fashionably dressed man emerged from the hallway, speaking rapidly in Italian with a bundle of fabrics across his arms. He showed them to the newly reinstated CEO, and Lena pointed to one. The man turned around and disappeared from where he came from.

 

The brunette turned around again and gave Kara a tight smile. The blonde jumped off her stool and walked towards the other woman and pulled her in for a quick hug. 

 

“Long day?” The blonde asked in a tight voice, her head jerking in the direction the unknown man had disappeared to.

 

“Who was that?” She asked.

 

“That was Steven,” Lena answered easily, moving away from Kara to inspect different swatches of paint colours on the kitchen bench. “He’s my interior decorator.”

 

Kara raised her eyebrows, and the corner of her mouth twitched upwards into a smile.

 

“You have an interior decorator?”

 

Lena smiled at the blonde’s teasing tone.

 

“Yes. I needed furniture, and Steven is the best in the city.”

 

“And the man you were arguing with on the phone?”

 

“One of the lawyers at the company. This last week has been hectic with the transition. I’ve been pouring over all the deals that were hammered out while I was away and they leave a lot to be desired. We are grossly undercharging the military for our armaments for starters.”

 

Kara was slightly taken aback by Lena’s business-like tone and by the subject she was discussing.

 

“LuthorCorp sells weapons to the army?” She said with a frown. “I thought you wanted to move away from military contracts and into clean energy?”

 

Lena nodded and dropped her paint swatches to sift through some of the paperwork she had scattered over the bench top. The blonde’s eyes darted over the flurry of work and her frown deepened.

 

“Well I do, but it can’t happen straight away. And the company needs to make money in the meantime before we can even think about funding those projects.”

 

Lena sat down on a bar stool at that, and Kara was left staring at her the weird feeling of unease still settling in her stomach.

 

“Oh… well, that’s neat then,” she finally said, before sticking her hands in her pockets and looking over the paint swatches herself when she felt the brunette's eyes on her.

 

“Look,” Lena finally said with a sigh. “I know it sounds bad. But I’m not backing away from what I want to do with my company and the direction I want it to head in.”

 

The green-eyed woman placed a hand over Kara’s, forcing the blonde to look up and at her reassuring smile.

 

“These things just take time.”

 

The blonde gave her girlfriend a week half smile as her eyes darted around the almost furnished room and the stacks of work and running set of computers.

 

“You don’t seem to be wasting any,” she said simply.

 

Lena frowned at that and withdrew her hand.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked tightly.

 

The blonde gave herself an internal kick, before moving away from the bench, ignoring the question, and looking around the open plan apartment properly.

 

“Nothing..,” she said finally, before turning back to face Lena with a more genuine smile. 

 

“The place looks amazing by the way.”

 

Lena was still giving her a searching look, but let out a small sigh of her own and moved to join Kara in looking around at the apartment. The brunette’s eyes seemed to linger on one particular spot on the living room floor, before moving on.

 

“Yeah,” she said in a tired voice, tinged with sadness. “I always loved it.”

 

The blonde turned to face her girlfriend with a concerned look and gently touched her shoulder to get her attention.

 

“You don’t sound that happy.”

 

Lena’s eyes darted back to the spot she was previously staring at briefly. A move Kara puzzled over.

 

“It’s nothing… Just memories,” Lena said before shaking off the hand on her shoulder and turning back to her work. 

 

Kara remained on her spot for a few minutes, simply staring at her girlfriend who was clearly trying to distract herself from something. The blonde’s eyes turned to the spot Lena had seemed so fixated on when a wave of understanding crashed over her. 

 

Of course, Lena had told her the story of what happened when she tried to commit suicide. Which meant, that that spot was where…

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to move?” Kara finally asked, moving towards her girlfriend and wrapping her arms around her from behind pulling her back in a tight embrace. “I’m settled in my new place now, thank god for book advances. I’m not asking you to move in or anything… but if you need a place to stay in the meantime.”

 

Lena turned her head to give Kara a light kiss on the cheek before turning back to her work. She began rapidly typing on her laptop before she responded.

 

“You’re sweet, but I’ll be fine. This is one of the best apartments in the city.”

 

Kara hesitated for a moment, before speaking in a gentle voice.

 

“It’s also where you tried to-“

 

Abruptly, Lena pulled away from her and Kara took a step back. The brunette turned to give her a quick glare, before fixing a smile at Steven who had just walked back into the room. They had a brief conversation about furniture placements that went completely over the blonde’s head. It was only once the man had left again, that Lena turned back to face her with a furious expression.

 

“You can’t talk about that in front of people,” she bit out, practically radiating anger.

 

Kara’s eyebrows raised at the tone she had never heard directed at her before and raised her hands in surrender.

 

“Oh… sorry.”

 

The brunette’s face instantly softened, and regret and exhaustion filled it instead. She rubbed a spot on her head with a frown before looking at Kara with a pained expression.

 

“I didn’t mean to snap. I just…” She said with a sigh, her eyes darting towards the room Steven had disappeared to. The brunette finally turned back to her and spoke in an even softer voice, while leaning in.

 

“I have an image to maintain Kara. I can’t have anything getting leaked to the media about… my time away.”

 

Kara absorbed her words with a pained expression. She was unsure what the correct response was here. A part of her wanted to shake Lena. To remind her that she had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and that Kara would fight anyone who dared to say otherwise. But, another part of her understood why Lena felt the way she did. Mostly though, Kara felt sad. Sad that Lena felt that way at all.

 

The blonde turned from her girlfriend, to give the living room another worried frown before turning back and pulling the brunette into a tight hug.

 

“Lena…” she said, whispering in her ear. “There’s nothing wrong with a fresh start.”

 

The CEO took a shaky breath, before squeezing Kara slightly.

 

“I can face my demons and win.”

 

She said it with bravado, but the blonde wasn’t convinced.

 

“I know you can,” Kara said quietly, before pulling away and looking earnestly and deeply into her girlfriend’s eyes. “But it doesn't mean you have to.”

 

Lena smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She pulled back again, turning once again back to her work. The blonde watched her for another minute, a small headache starting to form behind her eyes. She took a step forward, and then another one until she was once again standing behind her girlfriend and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

 

“Would it really be so bad for people to know? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s important that people talk about this stuff. And you’re in a position of power, you could really be a voice-“

 

The blonde was cut off by Lena suddenly slamming her hand down on the table, making Kara jump slightly and withdraw her hand.

 

Lena turned in her seat and gave Kara an equally frustrated and pleading look.

 

“Kara, I have too much to focus on right now. I don’t have time to deal with the media backlash over this on top retaking over my company.”

 

The blonde gave her a soft look.

 

“I don’t think-“

 

“Ms Luthor?” The interior decorator’s voice suddenly interrupted, appearing once again. “I’m done for the day. I’ll get those new samples for you to look at tomorrow.”

 

Lena gave him a smile, before walking to the door and waving him off.

 

“Thank you, Steven. Have a good night.”

 

After the door closed behind the man, Lena remained staring at it for a minute while Kara stood rooted to the spot. The blonde let out a breath, and took a few hesitant steps forward so she was standing a few feet away from her.

 

“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you or pressure you. I’m just worried about you. You’ve been all go since you been out. You haven’t had a day off,” the blonde said in a tight voice.

 

The brunette’s shoulders dropped and she turned to face Kara, taking a few steps forward and lifting her hand to cup the blonde’s cheek.

 

“I’m fine Kara,” she said with a smile.

 

At the other woman’s disbelieving look, she pressed a light kiss against her lips.

 

“Really. I’m thriving actually,” she added, her grin widening before she walked away and gestured to all her paperwork. 

 

“I forgot how much I enjoyed this. How good at it I am.”

 

Kara relaxed at the sound of genuine happiness in Lena’s voice and gave her a wide smile in return. She walked a few steps forward before tapping her hands on the bench top.

 

“Well, how about we do something tonight? Anything you want to do!”

 

Lena walked forward and pulled Kara in for a deep kiss that left the blonde slightly breathless

 

“Honestly, I just want to spend time with you. Inside.”

 

The blonde smiled at that.

 

“Do you want to get takeout? Maybe watch a movie on that massive TV?” She said in a hopeful voice.

 

Lena smiled, but it dropped slightly. Her eyes flickered towards the living room once more and a crinkle formed between the blonde’s eyes. The brunette turned back to her but the smile on her face seemed faked once again.

 

“How about we go to yours instead? Better take away in your area anyway.”

 

Lena said it lightly, but Kara could read the underlying tension in her voice.

 

“Ok,” the blonde said, choosing not to comment on it.

 

* * *

 

Kara woke up groggily from her sleep, her hands scavenging at the space next to her with a frown and finding it empty. She blinked blearily, the moonlight from her window casting over the empty space that Lena should be. The blonde sat up slowly, before shifting to her feet and pulling the sheet around her before she padded barefoot out of her bedroom.

 

She found Lena, with her back facing towards the door as she sat at the kitchen table. The glow of Kara’s laptop lighting her face as she chewed on the edge of her thumb. A habit, Kara had come to discover in the last few weeks, her girlfriend did when she was frustrated with something. 

 

The blonde walked softly up behind her, before bending down and placing a gentle kiss on the surprised CEO’s head. 

 

“What are you doing?” Kara asked sleepily, her eyes darting to the computer screen. Before she could read it, however, the brunette all but slammed the screen shut.

 

“Nothing, go back to sleep.”

 

The blonde frowned, and a burst of irritation grew in her chest. She sat down in the chair next to Lena and pulled the laptop towards her and opened it. Kara frowned when she read the name that was in the search engine. Her eyes turned to Lena, who was looking at her with a guilty expression. 

 

“Why are you googling Samantha Arias?” Kara asked in a slow voice, her eyes trained on her girlfriend’s face.

 

Lena’s eyes dropped to look at the table and a crinkle grew in between her eyebrows.

 

“I… You know how we became closer inside,” she said in an equally slow voice.

 

Kara groaned.

 

“Lena…”

 

The brunette scrambled to explain in an earnest voice.

 

“I just want to understand her better.”

 

The blonde stared at her for a minute before a swell of pity grew in her chest for Lena and, surprisingly, for Sam herself.

 

“Lena, why are you so determined to solve her? And on that note,I don’t like her but it’s … wrong to look her up like that.”

 

The bipolar woman stared down at the table, images of her own mental break, dancing through her head.

 

“Things like that… I wouldn’t want someone googling me.”

 

“I just think there’s more to her than you’d like to admit,” Lena replied. “Why are you so against the idea that she might have good in her?”

 

The blonde let out a mirthless laugh.

 

“I’m not against the idea, Lena,” she said dryly in response. “It’s just not something she’s ever displayed before.”

 

The CEO gave her a disparaging look.

 

“Before I left we were… I don’t know… getting on better. There’s more to her than meets the eye,” she finished on a determined note.

 

Kara stared at her for a few seconds silently.

 

“Well, I don’t agree…” she replied in a testy voice, her teeth grinding at the thought of the angry patient still in Krypton. 

 

“But regardless… I think you and I both know that whatever mysterious past she has should still be her’s to tell.”

 

Lena held her stare for a few seconds before blinking and letting out an irritated huff.

 

“No, you’re right I guess.”

 

The CEO stared down at the table with an unreadable expression, but Kara could easily see the edges of tiredness in her face and the growing purple bags under her eyes.

 

The blonde reached between them and laid a gentle hand on top of Lena’s, turning it over so that she could lace their fingers together.

 

“Lena, I’m getting a bit worried that you might be becoming overly focused on your work and..,” her eyes darted to the computer. “Other things… You’re letting it consume you. I think you need to give yourself time to breathe.”

 

Lena took a breath, before replying in a soft whisper that did absolutely nothing to convince the bipolar woman.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

A nerve in the blonde’s face ticked and she let go of the CEO’s hand, withdrawing her now back into her lap.

 

“See, you keep saying that,” Kara began in a tight voice, layered with an undercurrent of anger. “But ever since you’ve been out all you seem to do is work every second of the day.”

 

The anger in her voice remained, but she spoke her next sentence warily.

 

“And I know you haven’t had time to get a new psychologist… Or if you even want one.”

 

Lena closed her eyes as if she was pained.

 

“Kara…”

 

The blonde cut her off, tightening her fist in her hand so hard her nails broke the skin.

 

“And you won’t talk to me about it. I can’t… I’m fumbling at straws here Lena. We’re already in a new dynamic in our relationship as it is… and it seems like your life has moved to racer speeds. I don’t think I can keep up.”

 

She said the final words with a hint of shame. 

 

Lena looked up from the table at that and gave Kara an annoyed look.

 

“What do you want me to do, Kara? This is my job, I’m the CEO of a huge company. I work long hours. I’m always going to work long hours. I’m going to have to travel a lot and cancel dates and yes, probably be consumed by it. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to quit because suddenly you aren’t the only thing in my life anymore?” She said in an exasperated tone.

 

Kara gave her an incredulous look.

 

“Of course I don’t want you to quit! I would never ask you to do that. But I’m not a whining partner here Lena, I’m worried about you. I just, I don’t know how I can help you. That’s what I’m here for. That’s what partners do in a relationship. We support one another. I can’t give you support if you don’t tell me what’s going on with you. You keep saying ‘I’m fine’, but what does that mean?”

 

Lena shook her head and gave Kara a pitying look, that made the bubble of irritation in the blonde’s stomach start to boil.

 

“Kara, you don’t understand. My mother is already breathing down my neck waiting for the slightest hint of a mistake. I need to prove to her-“

 

The blonde cut her off with a sarcastic laugh, throwing her hands into the air.

 

“Now you need to prove yourself to her? The woman, you’ve told me, doesn’t care about you? The woman who didn’t once visit you in the hospital?”

 

Lena’s voice rose in volume in reply.

 

“It’s not about that, Kara. I need to keep her off my back and prove that I can handle the pressure of this company.”

 

The statement sat in the air between them for a minute, and the blonde’s ire deflated as rapidly sit has risen. She leant forward in her seat and touched Lena’s cheek briefly, drawing the woman’s eyes to her own.

 

“Would it be so bad if you couldn’t?” She asked softly. "What happened to the person who understood that they needed to help themselves. That they needed to look after themselves. That’s not a bad thing to do that. Lena, I’m worried that if you keep going down this path you’ll end up right back where you started.”

 

The brunette held her stare and the corner of her mouth turned up into a small smile before she answered.

 

“Kara, I need to do this. For me. This is how I prove to myself how far I’ve come. I’m not reverting, I’m thriving. And my mother… well, if you’d met her you’d understand.”

 

The blonde sat back in her chair and felt her own guilt rise slightly. She took a deep breath before responding in a quiet voice.

 

“I have met her actually. We even had a conversation.”

 

The CEO stared at her for a few seconds, her face turning blank.

 

“You… you what?” She finally whispered out.

 

The blonde shut her eyes and took another deep breath and began to stutter out her reply.

 

“I… I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while now but I… I didn’t want you thinking that… well, it’s all redundant now anyway. It was a lie by omission I guess.”

 

“Kara, what are you talking about?” Lena asked in a hurt voice, that made the bipolar woman wince.

 

“My job, my coffee job? It was at LutherCorp. L Coffee. You know, the little cafe off the main lobby. And, one day, I got called up to deliver your mother a coffee and we met. And we talked. Briefly.”

 

There was a pause.

 

“You’ve met my mother when you delivered coffee?” Lena repeated in a neutral voice. 

 

Kara opened her eyes and replied simply.

 

“Yes.”

 

The brunette watched her for a minute before a wide grin cracked her face and she let out a giggle.

 

“Well… that must have been a treat for you.”

 

Kara blinked in surprise at Lena’s reaction, completely opposite to what she had been expecting.

 

“You’re… not upset?” Kara squeaked out.

 

The brunette shook her head, a smile still in place.

 

“I’m… confused mostly,” she asked with a curious look. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

The blonde looked past the other woman and replied with a weak voice.

 

“I couldn’t find anywhere else to work. Literally, nobody would hire me except for…”

 

Lena finished the sentence when the blonde’s voice trailed off.

 

“LutherCorp. Let me guess, because of the bombing right?”

 

The bipolar woman nodded.

 

“Yes.”

 

“That still doesn’t explain why you didn’t tell me.”

 

The blonde refocused on her girlfriend.

 

“I didn’t want you to think that I was so incapable of getting a job that I went to the one place people were too terrified to work at. At that the one place was… your company. I mean, I know it was just the coffee shop but… And then, I had no idea if I’d still need the job once you had gotten out. I didn’t want you to think you had to support me.”

 

Lena gave her a loving look and stood up to pull Kara into a tight hug.

 

“Kara, I wouldn’t have thought that at all,” she whispered into the blonde’s ear. “I’m glad that you were able to find a job, and in some weird way, I guess I had a connection to helping you get back on your feet. But I highly doubt that you didn’t earn your way. Nobody at LutherCorp slacks off, well except for the board members,” she finished with a laugh, before letting Kara go and returning to her seat.

 

The blonde sniffled a bit.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. The reasons all sound pretty dumb now that I’ve said them out loud.”

 

The brunette nodded in acceptance.

 

“I get it… And I’m not mad. I just can't believe you’ve met my mother,” she said the last words with a hint of horror.

 

The blonde hesitated.

 

“She’s… intense,” she finally said.

 

The CEO’s eyebrow arched and her eyes sparkled in amassment.

 

“Well, that’s certainly one word to describe her,” she answered in a dry tone.

 

“It was like she could stare into my soul,” Kara said, shuddering at the memory of the reptilian-like woman.

 

Lena laughed.

 

“Yes… she’s always had that effect on me too.”

 

The blonde’s face filled with anger at the memory of the older woman.

 

“It was hard for me not to snap at her.”

 

The CEO gave her a questioning look.

 

“About what?”

 

Kara sighed, before fixing Lena with a hard look.

 

“About you. I mean, I didn’t tell her that we were together because… well, you value your privacy. And it would’ve sounded completely insane. But, from everything that you’ve told me about her, I just… I felt like hitting her over the head with a pan.”

 

There were a brief few seconds of silence before Lena burst out into laughter, Kara noticing the tears that formed at the corners of the other woman’s eyes. The brunette took half a minute before she returned to normal breaths and wiped her eyes dry.

 

“I really wouldn’t have blamed you,” she finished, giving Kara a fond look.

 

The blonde watched her for a moment happily, before her own insecurities began to grow in the back of her mind and move forward. She hesitated for a bit before she spoke her next words out loud.

 

“Can I ask… does she know about me?”

 

Lena frowned in confusion.

 

“Know about you?”

 

Kara played with the hem of her shirt.

 

“That I’m your girlfriend.”

 

The blonde looked up after a few seconds of no reply to see Lena seemingly struggle with an answer. When she finally did, it was in a breezy tone.

 

“Well, I haven’t exactly had the opportunity to introduce you. And quite frankly, I would prefer that you stay as far away from Lillian as humanly possible.”

 

Kara frowned.

 

“Well, if she’s going to continue to be in your life-“

 

Lena cut her off angrily.

 

“She isn’t in my life.”

 

Kara gave her a disbelieving look.

 

“Lena, you’ve literally spent the last three weeks haggling with her.”

 

The brunette rolled her eyes.

 

“Not because I wanted to! Believe me, if I could have nothing to do with her for the rest of my life I would.”

 

“Does she even know I exist?” The blonde asked plainly.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” The other woman said in a dangerously low voice.

 

The blonde’s eyes snapped to hers.

 

“I don’t need you hiding me, Lena.”

 

“I’m not hiding you!”

 

“Then why-“

 

Lena cut her off with a sigh.

 

“Kara, listen to me. I don’t have many friends. Real friends I mean. And all of those, apart from Jack, I met through you or in the hospital. Every one of those people knows who you are. All the people that matter, know who you are.”

 

The blonde cursed herself at the emotional turmoil going on in her own chest, but in the end, her worry of her girlfriend won out over all the other feelings.

 

“Lena, I’m just worried that with all the effort you are going to stop your time at the hospital coming into light that you’re going to be determined to keep me hidden as well. Don't you think I’ve realised ever since your press conference that we spend all our time indoors? It’s almost like being back in the hospital.”

 

Lena replied in an incensed voice.

 

“Kara, you were a journalist. You know what the paparazzi are like. They’ve been following me in packs ever since the news got out that I’m back.”

 

The blonde sat back in her chair and folded her arms over her chest.

 

“And you don’t want them to see you with me… Is it because of what happened? Are you afraid that once people know you're dating me they’ll make the connection to the hospital and then maybe guess that you were there too?”

 

Kara waited for Lena to reply, to refute her, but the other woman didn’t make a sound. The blonde let out a breath, before standing to her feet and pulling the sheet tight around her body.

 

“So that’s the reason then.”

 

The brunette reached for her arm but Kara pulled it out of her reach.

 

“Kara, it isn’t like that-“

The blonde cut her off, tears starting to burn behind her eyes.

 

“So what do you want to do, Lena? I love you and you love me. Why isn’t that enough?”

 

Kara walked off back to her bedroom, but Lena followed closely.

 

“It is enough!” The brunette said pleadingly. “Of course it is, but the situation with my company is very delicate right now. I can’t afford any bad press.”

 

The blonde turned and gave Lena an incredulous look.  


“Do you even hear yourself? You think people knowing that you have mental health issues and knowing you’re dating me is bad press?”

 

Lena gave a disparaging laugh.

 

“Because it is Kara! Don’t be naive to how the world works.”

 

A heat began to grow on the blonde’s neck.

 

“I’m not naive, Lena. I know how the world works,” she responded tightly.

 

Lena didn’t seem to hear her and continued to speak in a contemptuous tone.

 

“You of all people should understand that it needs to be my choice to tell people about my problems. About my time in the hospital, my depression and my suicide attempt. What you’re doing right now, trying to force me to reveal this part of myself-“

 

The blonde blanched.

 

“I’m not trying to-“

 

Lena cut her off with a harsh look. 

 

“You are. And it’s wrong.”

 

The blonde moved to grab Lena’s hand this time, but it was the other woman’s turn to pull away.

 

“I don’t want you to be ashamed of yourself Lena. And yes, I don’t want you to be ashamed of me. Your illness isn’t something you should have to hide. You shouldn’t hide it.”

 

The brunette took a step back when the bipolar woman moved forward.

 

“Kara, I’m done talking about this,” she said with a waver in her voice, before turning on her heel and moving to exit the room.

 

The blonde felt a wave of regret crash through her and she went to follow her girlfriend.

 

“Ok… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-“

 

Lena cut her off by placing a hand on her chest and halting her movements.

 

“I just need a minute, please,” she said in a pained voice.

 

The blonde hesitated, staring at her girlfriend’s face before she nodded. Before Lena could leave, however, the bipolar woman called out after her.

 

“Hey, you know I love you right?”

 

There was a brief pause before Lena replied.

 

“I know Kara. I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

Kara pushed the trolley rather dejectedly past the display couches, less focused on the colour schemes and comfort factors of the place and more focused on thoughts of Lena. Alex walked along beside her, occasionally picking up the odd object and squinting down at the foreign names. After a while, the redhead seemed to grow bored with the lingering silence and poked Kara hard in the side to gain her attention.

“So, are you finally going to tell me what’s wrong with you?” She asked, ignoring the blonde’s muffled cry of pain and the glare she threw her way.

 

“Why would anything be wrong with me?” She asked in an innocent tone, still rubbing her side before pretending to look at a lamp.

 

Alex gave her a look, before gesturing around the busy halls jam packed full of people.

 

“Well, we’ve been walking around IKEA for twenty minutes now and you haven’t said a word. On the way here, you didn’t once bring up how much you were looking forward to the meatballs,” she said, before giving a Kara a worried look. 

 

“Come on, spit it out.”

 

The blonde huffed and opened her mouth to speak before shutting it again and continuing to walk and push the trolley.

 

“It’s nothing…”

 

Alex grabbed her hand, lurching her to a stop and causing them to bump into the person in front of them. The woman gave them an evil look, but before Kara could apologise her redheaded sister had yanked her down and onto one of the display couches.

 

“Kara. Tell me what’s going on before I wrap this Ulufskribben or whatever it is around your neck,” she said brandishing an odd looking desk lamp in her hand.

 

The blonde let out a small laugh at the ridiculous sight, before sighing slightly.

 

“It’s Lena,” she finally said.

 

Alex slammed her hand down on her knee and gave her a triumphant look.

 

“I knew it! Maggie owes me five bucks.”

 

The blonde gave her sister an incredulous look.

 

“What?” She said darkly.

 

Alex ignored her and continued to speak in a smug voice.

 

“I told her that you would get into a fight in the first month you were both out,” she said with a grin before patting her sister’s shoulder reassuringly. 

 

“Don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal.”

 

The blonde spluttered and shrugged her sister’s hand off her.

 

“We’re not in a fight! Well… I guess we kind of are, but that’s not the reason I’m upset. And you and Maggie bet on us?”

 

The blonde glared at her sister, and this time Alex had the good grace to look sheepish.

 

“Well, so did Lucy. But her’s was on how many times you guys would sleep with each other in the first week and I didn’t really feel like participating in that.”

 

Kara’s face tinged red, and she shuddered at the thought of her sister being involved in conversations about her sex life in any way, shape or form.

 

“Ok, apart from that just being plain wrong in multiple ways… I’m worried about Lena.”

 

Alex tilted her head and gave the blonde her full and serious attention.

 

“Why, what’s happening?”

 

Kara thoughts lingered on the fight Lena and she had last night.

 

“I don’t know, maybe I’m completely overreacting or being hyper vigilante or… I don’t know.”

 

Alex gave her a knowing look before it faded into a smile.

 

“Ok. Whatever you just said, made absolutely no sense to me.”

 

Kara struggled with her thoughts before they solidified and she leaned forward to explain.

 

“I don’t… Ok, so up until now our relationship has existed in two dynamics. Lena and Me both being in the hospital together. And then me being out of the hospital, but her still in it. In both cases, she was in the hospital. So maybe I’m just, unused to seeing her the way she is now. So focused and driven. I mean, it’s hot as hell-“

 

“Didn’t need to hear that.”

 

Kara continued on, ignoring her sister.

 

“-But it’s…. This is what she told me happened to her before. Obsessive until she completely burnt out. Now she tells me it’s she’s ok with it, and this is just what she needs to do to get back on top. But I know it’s only been three weeks… so maybe I’m completely overreacting about nothing. On top of that, she just doesn’t seem to be focused on her own self-care. But who am I to tell anyone what their own personal self-care looks like? But she hasn’t looked for new psychologist either, and I know that Maggie has recommended several. That and she basically told me she doesn’t want people, the media, knowing about us. That it would have a lot of backlash on the company. I don’t think she’s ashamed of me or anything, I just… Is she still ashamed of herself? What do you think?”

 

Alex blinked several times, absorbing the rush of words that her sister had thrown on her like an avalanche.

 

“Wow. Ok. That was a whole lot of information, particularly for an IKEA run.”

 

Kara gave her an incredulous look.  


 

“You were the one who wanted me to tell you what’s been going on!”

 

The redhead laughed.

 

“I know, I was just kidding. Look,” she said, before moving to the seat next to her and slinging an arm across her shoulders. “I think this is something you need to talk about with Lena first and foremost.”

 

Kara let out a sad breath.

 

“I have, Alex. It didn’t really go anywhere.”

 

There was a slight pause.

 

“Ok, well have you talked to Dox about it?”

 

Kara gave her the side eye.

 

“Alex…” she drawled.

 

The redhead rolled her shoulders.

 

“Ok, ok. Look, I’m not great with advice. And you know, that apart from Maggie, I’m pretty crap with relationships. But let’s be honest here, you two have always been slightly unconventional when it comes to things. I mean, you didn’t exactly meet in the most traditional of ways. I mean, it’ll definitely be one to tell the kids. ‘Well sweetie, I met your mother in the hospital’-“

 

“Alex!”

 

The redhead woman winced, before continuing in a more serious voice.

 

“Sorry. You know I’m not the best at this. Look, it sounds to me like you are both going through a transitional period as it is. It’s a pretty huge one. You both met each other at a time in your life when you were both extremely vulnerable. And you’ve grown into such amazing people since then, with each other and without. But now, you’re both out and functioning on your own two feet. You’ve got a book deal in the works and Lena has taken back control of her company. A huge job that is bound to be difficult and always will be. But I get where you’re coming from too.”

 

Kara lifted her eyes from the floor hopefully.

 

“You do?”

 

The redhead gave her a knowing look.

 

“Sure. A few years ago, I was where you are right now worried about my little sister and completely at a loss of how I should go about helping her.”

 

The blonde stared at her sister for a minute, before speaking in a vulnerable voice.

 

“What did you do then?”

 

Alex gave her an understanding look, empathy growing in her chest for her little sister.

 

“Well, there wasn’t much I could do, except be there for her. Trust me, I’ve spent many years kicking myself wondering what I could have done to do better. It only took me talking to Maggie to realise the truth.”

 

“And what’s that?”

 

The redhead gave her a far-off look, before zooming back in on her face.

 

“All you can really do is hold up a mirror for them to see themselves.”

 

Kara frowned, unsure exactly how that information was supposed to help her in any way. But her frustration wasn’t with her sister, so she let out a small groan before giving Alex what she hoped was a thankful smile. 

 

“That’s great, I just don’t see how’ll it’ll help me here.”

 

The redhead squeezed her shoulder one last time before letting go and standing to her feet.

 

“Well, I’m here for you Kara. Whatever you need.”

 

The blonde smiled again and stood to her own.

 

“Thanks, Alex. Now come on. If we don’t hurry up all the good meatballs will be gone.”

 

* * *

 

_“Hello?”_

 

At the sound of the kindly man’s voice, the blonde woman relaxed ever so slightly.

 

“Hey, Clark,” she answered with a smile.

 

_“Kara! Wow, it’s great to hear your voice. I’ve missed having you and Lena around. How’s she going? Lucy called the other day and said you were jumping each other like-“_

 

Kara cut him off, in her head making the decision to kill Lucy Lane.

 

“Yeah, no she’s great! Well, you know… she got her job back. She’s CEO of LutherCorp again.”

 

There was a pause on the other end of the line before Clark spoke in a surprised tone.

 

_“Wow. That was fast.”_

 

The blonde sighed.

 

“Yeah, she’s been all go since she got out.”

 

The silence stretched between them for a minute, and all the blonde could hear was the sound of the other man breathing.

 

_“You don’t sound too happy about it,”_ he finally said.

 

Kara sighed and rubbed her aching head. _  
_

 

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m ecstatic that she’s out. I mean, I missed her like crazy and now it feels like we’ve both achieved something being out here. I just… is it wrong that a part of me misses the time when she was more relaxed?”

 

She asked the man pleadingly, desperate for his reassurance. Something the other man had always been able to give her and everyone he met.

 

_“No, there’s nothing wrong with you for wanting that. Maybe you’re just seeing another side of her that you’ve never experienced before. It can be scary, to have built a relationship with someone when you’re in one headspace of your life and then managing that relationship when you move into another phase.”_

 

A tear slipped down Kara’s cheek.

 

“I’m just… I love her so much,” she said in a small voice.

 

Clark answered gently.

 

_“It sounds like you’re worried you’re losing her.”_

 

The blonde wiped away the tears.

 

“What? No, I’m not worried about that.”

 

Kara could hear the sympathy in the dark-haired man’s voice.

 

_“Kara, if you could see the way she looks at you when you’re not watching you’d know you have nothing to worry about.”_

 

She stubbled within herself for a few seconds, before finally admitting the truth to herself and to him.

 

“I’m just… a part of me is worried that I’m not what she needs. Seeing her now, the way she is with her work and her life… It’s like I finally see that we live in different worlds.”

 

Clark laughed softly.

 

_“You remind me of my relationship with Lois. Kara, you’ve always been the one to say that mental illness doesn’t discriminate. Well, neither does love. Lena obviously doesn’t think you belong in two different worlds otherwise she would never have gotten involved with you in the first place.”_

 

“I know she loves me. I’m just, doubting myself I guess.”

 

_“Love makes us strong, but it also makes us weak. But you’ve both been through so much already, I don’t doubt you can get through this too.”_

 

Kara smiled at the man’s reassuring words, and she felt a hint of light return to her chest.

 

“Thanks, Clark.”

 

* * *

 

Kara walked into Lena’s apartment with the key her girlfriend had given her. Looking down at it, she knew that it was a way for the brunette to say yes, she did love her and wanted to her to be apart of her life. Just not all at once. 

 

After she closed the door and turned she found the only light source in the apartment to be the glow of Lena’s computer, which the brunette was currently slumped over in sleep with a stack of papers around her. Kara’s heart immediately softened at the sight and she chastised herself for her way of thinking. This was as new to Lena as it was to her. And she had certainly gone through her own set of growing pains when she had returned from the hospital. It wasn't fair of her to expect Lena to remain exactly the same person she had been when she was still in Krypton. And she needed to be there for her girlfriend in the same way Lena had been there for her.

 

Kara walked up to Lena slowly and gently touched her shoulder. The other woman blearily opened her eye and gave her a tired smile.

 

“Hello, darling…” she said in a gravelly voice, thick with sleep. “What time is it?”

 

The blonde checked her watch, before stroking the hair on Lena’s head back slightly.

 

“It’s ten o’clock,” she said quietly. "You told me to come around once I finished my chapter, remember?”

 

Lena sat up with a start at that, quickly pushing her own hair out of her face and rapidly sifting through her paperwork.

 

“Oh my God, I must have fallen asleep for longer than I thought.”

 

Kara looked down at the work Lena was moving through and took the seat next to her.

 

“What are you doing here?” She asked.

 

The brunette grimaced at the work, before turning to look at her, exhaustion clear in her eyes. 

 

“It’s a press release I have to go over, plans for a conference I’m hosting tomorrow,” she said, before letting out a final groan when she picked up a final bit of paper. 

 

“And I have to proofread my speech for the shareholders meeting in the afternoon.”

 

Kara bit her tongue for a minute, before speaking in as soft a voice as she could manage.

 

“Lena, you’re exhausted. How many hours of sleep did you get last night?”

 

The brunette turned back to her laptop and started typing.

 

“I’m fine, Kara.”

 

The blonde huffed and rolled her eyes.

 

“Ok, for the record, that saying is the worst saying in the entire world. I’m pretty sure that whoever came up with it was the exact definition of not fine. You need to get some sleep, otherwise, you’ll be no good for anything tomorrow.”

 

“Kara, I have to finish-“

 

The blonde cut her off.

 

“I’ll do it.”

 

Lena looked as if she was about to say something else before she registered the blonde’s words.

 

“What?” She asked in a dumbfounded voice.

 

Kara sifted through the paperwork herself, her eyes glancing over what she would have to do.

 

“I’ll proofread and go over the plans.”

 

Kara looked up when the other woman didn’t reply and was taken aback when the brunette was literally staring at her with a partially open mouth.

 

“You don’t need to look at me with such shock,” she said with a smirk. "I was the personal assistant to Cat Grant for two years and a former journalist, I know how to proofread a speech and manage a press release.”

 

The CEO shook her head.

 

“I can’t ask you-“

 

The blonde interrupted Lena, by pulling the laptop towards her. 

 

“You’re not asking, I’m volunteering,” she said steadfastly.

 

Lena gapped next to her, before replying with a laugh.

 

“I’m… speechless.”

 

The blonde winked at the brunette.

 

“Not by the time I’m through with it!”

 

The CEO shook her head at the blonde’s words.

 

“God, your jokes are still terrible.”

 

Kara smiled at her but returned to the computer screen in front of her. She stared at it for a few seconds, reading, before she began to type. After a while, she realised that Lena was staring at her silently.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

Lena smiled in wonder, making the exhaustion in her eyes almost completely disappear.

 

“I know it’s wrong to compare, but if this had been two years ago Veronica would never have done what you’re doing now. I’ve never had anyone in my life love me the way you love me, Kara.”

 

The blonde slipped off her seat at that and pulled the other woman into a tight hug. Cradling her close to her chest.

 

“You deserve it, Lena. Every inch of it…”

 

Kara could feel her girlfriend let out a shuddering sigh, and the blonde smiled before lifting the surprised woman into her arms and started to walk her towards the bedroom.

 

“Now come on, off to bed.”

 

Lena laughed and smiled up at the blonde.

 

“Kara! You don’t need to carry me!”

 

The bipolar woman dropped her gently on the bed. She cupped the side of Lena’s face and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

 

“Again, I know I don’t need to. I want to,” she said softly.

 

The other woman stared at her blankly for a few seconds before pulling her into a bruising kiss. 

 

After they broke apart, the CEO leant her head against the blonde’s shoulder and whispering.

 

“Kara. I’m sorry for how it’s been for the last few weeks. I don’t want the future to be like this. But it won't be like this forever, I’m building towards something better.”

 

The blonde hesitated, before letting out a breath and stroking the back of the other woman’s head softly.

 

“I just don’t want you to lose yourself again, Lena. I don’t want to lose you. I love you too much and you deserve all the good days, remember?”

 

Lena sniffled.

 

“I remember.”

 

The blonde pushed her girlfriend’s shoulders back so she could see her properly.

 

“Well, good. Now come on, get some sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you enjoyed but let me know in the comments below :)


	27. Happiness Is An Inside Job

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good grief, I am on a roll this week :) Another day, another chapter!!! It's angsty and angsty and angry!

“Thank you, there will be no more questions at this time.”

 

A flash of camera’s and a loud roar of voices resounded behind her as she exited the conference room. Once the door had closed behind her, and the sound had dropped to a low murmur, she let out a sigh. 

 

A buzz came from inside her jacket and she opened her phone, smiling at the message.

 

**Kara: You kicked butt. Is it weird to say how sexy you look with your hair like that?**

 

**Lena: I thought you were working on your chapter?**

 

**Kara: Why don’t you dress like that around me?**

 

**Lena: I’m not sure you could handle it.**

 

She slipped her phone back in her pocket, her smile lingering until her eyes turned up to see her least favourite shareholder, Maxwell Lord, standing across from her with his trademark slimy smirk.

 

One of the many headaches Lena now had to deal with when she took back control of her company, was dealing with the fact that Maxwell Lord now had a huge stake in LutherCorp. Her mother had evidently needed Lord Tech’s resources after LutherCorp’s share’s had nosedived. The company had invested far too much money in silver mines in Central America, which later and very publicly had turned out to be involved deep with government bribery and human trafficking. 

 

The backlash had been terrible given there already tenuous public image, and their shareholders had fled. They needed funding, and Maxwell Lord was the only one willing to offer it without taking majority ownership.

 

Of course, the ownership he had was still astronomically large for Lena’s liking.

 

Yet another one of her mother’s decisions she was spending weeks trying to get out of.

 

But for now…”

 

“Mr Lord,” she said, giving the man a curt nod before handing her tablet off to her assistant and brushing past him.

 

“Please, Lena, call me Max,” he said with a grin that made the hairs on the back of the CEO’s neck stand up.

 

She didn’t deign to respond, instead just walking towards the elevator while he fell in beside her.

 

“Well, I thought the press conference went well. I could’ve helped though if you had informed me it was occurring,” he finished in an annoyed voice that instantly made Lena want to smile.

  
“I wasn’t aware I had to run all my actions past you, Mr Lord,” she said instead, opening the elevator and stepping inside.

 

He ducked in beside her before the doors could close.

 

“All the same… when your mother was CEO-“

 

“I am not my mother Mr Lord,” she said in an acidic voice.

 

“Of course not, Lena,” he said smoothly. “I was merely pointing out the difference in your managerial approaches. Your mother and I had a very good working relationship, I just hope in time you and I can reach the same levels of… comfort.”

 

The double meaning of his words gave Lena the strong urge to punch him in the face. But, like all things that annoyed her since she got out, Lena just conjured up an image of Kara’s face smiling at her. Of course, these days, her blonde girlfriend gave her more worried looks than smiles.

 

“Your good ‘working’ relationship was very convenient… for you. I, on the other hand, have more interest in my company remaining under my control. Not sold off in small bits and pieces quietly until you have the majority stake.”

 

Lord looked shocked, and she arched an eyebrow.

 

“Oh yes, I’m well aware of what you’ve been doing. Just today I ousted out two of your compatriots from the board. I will not have disloyalty within five hundred metres of me, and never make the mistake of thinking I’m stupid.”

 

She left him gobsmacked behind in the elevator, the doors closing on his face before her posture finally collapsed. Once she had entered her office, she kicked off her shoes with a groan and all but collapsed on the couch.

 

Yet another long and hard day. She knew, when she took on this job, that she would be faced with a lot of sleepless nights. Maybe it was too optimistic to assume that she wouldn’t felt like banging her head against a brick wall every night and that in the morning she felt like sandpaper had been rubbed all over her eyebrows. It was exhaustion, she knew it. And what was worse, was that Kara knew it too.

 

She was so excited to get back to work, but even now over a month in all she felt was tired. Not satisfied and tired…just tired. Lena was fighting battles at work every day. No one seemed to want her here but her. The brunette found herself dredging up her own enthusiasm every morning just to go into the office. But despite all the struggles, all the fights and all the Maxwell Lord’s of the world.. she knew deep inside herself that she could do this job. That she was good at it. It’s not easy to function though when the only one in her corner was her girlfriend. Even though, Kara seemed to do less encouraging and more worrying. 

 

The CEO was distracted by another buzz in her pocket, and she pulled out her phone to find a series of texts from Kara.

 

**Kara: Oh baby, I can handle it.**

 

**Kara: Please don’t leave me hanging here…**

 

**Kara: Shoot me a text if you want me to come round later.**

 

Lena sighed, and her thumb hesitated over the phone before she decided not to reply.

 

It wasn’t like she would be able to go home tonight anyway, and she definitely didn’t want to tell Kara that lest she be subjected to more worried, but quiet looks. Our they would get into another argument. Though if Lena was being optimistic they were less arguments than differences of opinion.

 

Kara’s opinion being that she was becoming obsessive.

 

And her’s that she wasn’t focused enough. 

 

Oddly, in her quiet moments, the only way she could find a way to distract herself was by focusing on the subject of Sam. The one thing she had yet to figure out but was increasingly irritating her. It took all of her self-control not to look up the other woman, to figure her out. It was only, once again, the image of Kara that held her back.

 

Still, her fingers were itching for something to relax her thoughts. Before, the solution had been drinking or partying. Or lots and lots of sex. And while Kara and she seemed to be completely compatible in that department, she didn’t want it to be that way. For her to use the other woman as a mere distraction. Her relationship in that field was too new for that and too important. Though she knew, as the days went on that she was heading further and further in that direction. 

 

And that really irritated her.

 

Lena sat up with a sigh and looked back down at her phone.

 

The CEO couldn’t text her girlfriend to tell her to come around, because she wouldn’t be there. But if she texted her not to come around because she was working, she knew that would stress Kara out. And as much as she adored how much her girlfriend loved her, for the first time having someone who loved her like that. A part of her just wanted to scream at Kara to give her space. That she needed to work, whatever this thing was that was going on in her head, out alone. 

 

But if she texted Kara that… well, who knows how that would end. 

 

And if she didn’t text her at all, well then Kara would definitely know she was staying at work.

 

Lena stared down at her phone before she decided on a reply.

 

**Lena: I’m not going to lie, I’ll probably be at work the whole night.**

 

Three dots appeared at that, and an edge of tension crawled it’s way to the front of her mind. They disappeared and reappeared several times before finally, a message came through.

 

**Kara: I can meet you there? I’ll bring coffee and doughnuts.**

 

**Lena: I’ll be here all night, Kara.**

 

**Kara: I’ll bring a blanket so I can sleep on the couch.**

 

The brunette released a breath before a smile crossed her face.

 

**Lena: You making it a habit to bring coffee to all the LutherCorp CEO’s now?**

 

**Kara: Only the cute ones from now on, I promise.**

 

**Lena: I’ll make sure security lets you in.**

 

* * *

 

“If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?”

 

Lena looked up from her computer to find her girlfriend staring up at her office ceiling while balancing a half-eaten doughnut on her finger.

 

“Does that skill come naturally, or did you have to spend ages practising it?” Lena said in reply.

 

The blonde tilted her head so she was looking at the CEO upside down and stuffed the rest of the doughnut in her mouth quickly. 

 

“Don’ avoi’ de ques’ion,” she said in response.

 

Lena rolled her eyes and returned to looking at her computer.

 

“I’m not avoiding the question, I’m focusing on my work. I told you that I needed to get this done.”

 

Kara stared at her for a minute quietly, before shrugging and looking back at the ceiling. The quiet grew between them, broken only by the tapping of the brunette’s keyboard. The speed of it periodically slowed down, in between Lena’s glances to the other woman’s form until finally she let out a sigh and stopped. 

 

“In my life right now? Or anything in my whole life?”

 

The blonde tilted her head back again and smiled.

 

“Whichever one you like.”

 

Lena leant back in her chair and thought about the question seriously. One thing she would change… Well, the obvious answer would be not trying to kill herself. But that in itself was more complicated than it seemed on the surface. If she hadn’t done that, she never would have admitted herself to Krypton. Never would have gotten the help she needed.

 

Never would have met the people that changed her life for the better.

 

Lena would never have met Kara.

 

But… wouldn’t it have been better to never have been sick at all? To never of had depression, and anxiety and the long scars on her arms. To live another version of her life, where she had never experienced such pain. 

 

Would she change something else? Leading her life differently from the start. Being a better person, not dragging herself into self-sabotaging situations. Would she inject herself with confidence, the ability to admit that she was in fact worthwhile? Would she change her relationship with her family? With her brother? Would she have done something different, be more proactive and have the balls to demand from her mother that he got help? Though, in her heart of hearts, Lena had the feeling that Lex’s life was always doomed to a tragic end. He never was the type to accept help or admit that he might need it at all. Much the way she used to be before everything all collapsed.

 

And her life now? 

 

She should want to change nothing. That’s what she told herself when her eyes subconsciously focus on that spot on her living room floor. No matter how much furniture she packed into it, all she could see was an empty room save for a pile of bloodstained books, that she still kept in a storage locker. And herself, lying pale in the middle of it.

 

But she was stronger than that. Lena could beat this, just like she had built herself up back from nothing. She wasn’t the lost and weak person she had been before. But when she looked at Kara now, Lena felt a curdle of guilt in her stomach. Like she was doing something wrong. A voice in the back of her head whispering that the blonde was beginning to judge her. That now, when she finally saw who Lena really was, the blonde didn’t like it. Like her.

 

Was her question a test?

 

“I wouldn’t change anything about my life. Everything that’s happened in it, has made me who I am. And I like who I am.”

 

Lena said it almost defiantly, a flare in her nostrils and an arch of her eyebrow. 

 

Kara didn’t respond for a minute, her face remaining unusually blank before she stood to her feet and walked towards the CEO. The blonde pulled Lena’s chairs out from under the brunette’s desk suddenly. The green-eyed woman barely had time to protest the violence of the movement when the blonde captured her mouth in a bruising kiss. Lena let out a squeak in surprise but turned into a moan when the blonde’s tongue swiped over her lips, demanding entrance. The other woman allowed it, her fingers curling against the blonde’s hips when Kara moved the straddle her and loop her arms around her neck. After a minute of back and forth action, they finally broke for air, Lena panting when the blonde rested her forehead against her own.

 

“What was that for?” She asked, once her breath had returned.

 

Kara responded in a vulnerable whisper.

 

“Is that what you think? That I don’t like who you are?”

 

The brunette’s eyes widened in surprise, and she moved to deny it.

 

“I didn’t mean-“

 

“Yes, you did,” the blonde interrupted, still whispering.

 

Lena didn’t reply and Kara stared at her with increasingly sad eyes, until the brunette let out a breath. The tension from her back bled out and her head collapsed against the bipolar woman’s chest. After a small pause, her shoulders began to shake, tremors running through them. The blonde woman pressed her hands over them, rubbing slow circles.

 

“It’s ok babe. It’s ok,” she said in a soothing voice. 

 

“It’s really not… Lena whispered back in an inaudible voice.

 

“Lena, I’ve loved you at her lowest and if you think that I don’t love you are your best, you’re dead wrong. But baby… I’m really worried about you.”

 

“I’m fin-“

 

The blonde cupped Lena’s cheeks, moving her head back so she could look into her eyes. 

 

“You’re not, Lena. Stop lying to me,” she said harshly before her grip softened and she spoke in a quieter voice.

 

“Stop lying to yourself.”

 

The brunette pulled the blonde’s fingers away from her face.

 

“I’m not lyin-“

 

Kara held her hands firmly.

 

“Lena… you are literally shaking.”

 

The CEO paused and looked down at her own fingers noticing the slight tremor running through them.

 

“Honey, you’re exhausted. You work all day and night. When you do sleep, it’s only for a few hours. Don’t think I don’t notice. You’ve stopped eating.”

 

Kara eyed the glass of scotch on the brunette’s desk.

 

“You’re drinking like a fish.”

 

The brunette’s jaw tensed, and she gently pushed the other woman off her lap and turned back to her work. Kara didn’t speak, standing silently by her side, until she moved to much back a strand of hair from the CEO’s cheek.

 

Lena caught her wrist in the air before she could touch her skin.

 

“Kara, I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to tell you this. I need to work. No, I don’t just need to work,” her eyes turned to the blonde’s, flashing in anger before letting go on of her wrist. 

 

“I want to work. This is my company, this is who I am. This is who I want to be.”

 

The writer knelt down into a crouch, her eyes filling with tears as she looked up into the CEO’s face.

 

“But it isn’t who you are, Lena. You’re more than this. You don’t have to be just this.”

 

The blonde moved her hand until it was hovering over Lena’s heart.

 

“What you’re doing to yourself, is hurting who you are. And it’s been hard for me too, adjusting to the brave new world we’ve both found ourselves in. But I realise now, that because I love you, I can’t not say anything.”

 

Lena’s mind was suddenly filled with an image of Lex’s smiling teenage face.

 

“How can you have lost your way so quickly in just a few weeks?”

 

A bloom of anger fireballed into the CEO’s face and it grew so fast, it became an inferno in seconds.

 

“Lost my…?”

 

Her face turned cold and blank, and she pushed her chair away from the blonde’s hovering hand as if she had been stung.

 

“Get out.”

 

Kara’s forehead crinkled.

 

“Len-“

 

“I said,” the brunette hissed out between her teeth. “Get. Out.”

 

The blonde stood to her feet and stared at her with a clenched jaw and fists. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it just as fast. Kara moved to gather her bag and phone and walked towards the door. She opened it quickly but hesitated to turn around with a face so broken Lena felt like crying. 

 

“I care about you, Lena. Maybe you should do the same.”

 

The door closed behind her with a click, and the CEO’s hands began to shake. She threaded them through her hair and leant her elbows against her desk. The tears finally falling on the wood, as she finally allowed the fog of confusion in her mind faded into despair.

 

“What am I doing?”

 

* * *

 

“You look like shit, Princess,” Sam said with a smirk.

 

Lena grimaced at the words.

 

“That’s because I feel like shit.”

 

“What’s happening?” The patient continued. “Land in the life of puppy love must be really crap if you came to visit me. Did you finally come to your senses and realise that Kara is a complete idiot? Did the shiny glow finally fade in the light of day? Did you your change pills, making you suddenly remember that you have double the intelligence to the puppy’s none?”

 

“Are you going to spend the whole time insulting my girlfriend?” Lena snapped out.

 

“Well, for you to come to see me you must be truly desperate. Especially considering the only advice you know I’ll give you is to dump her,” The other woman said bluntly.

 

The green-eyed woman stared at her silently, before sighing.

 

“You are literally the only person I can talk to right now that isn’t connected to Kara. Well, I guess I could talk to my mother but would you believe me when I tell you that you are definitely the preferable option.”

 

“So what’s the point of this pointless conversation?”

 

Lena huffed.

 

“You didn’t have to talk to me either.”

 

The patient shrugged.

 

“What can I say? I was bored. Two new patients in this place and there isn’t a single brain cell to rub between them. One spends there whole times crying in their room…before they even talk to me,” she said disgruntedly. “And the other one talks to someone in an empty chair the whole time.”

 

Lena’s dark mood lifted slightly from the depths it had descended to.

 

“Maybe I’m just masochistic, coming to see you. Drawn to all the shit people in the world to punish myself.”

 

Sam laughed disparingedly.

 

“Oh dear God, you really have spent too much time with that idiot. Starting to drink the cool-aid and all that bullshit. ‘Drawn to all the shit people’, what the fuck does that even mean? Maybe you’ve just reached the point in your life where you’ve finally fucking realised that you need to start focusing on your own life, and on what you want out of it. I reckon the reason you came to me is because, for some fucked up reason, I’m the only person in your life that will tell you the truth. Not just someone who is trying to step on your throat to get ahead. Believe me, that would be me if I wasn’t stuck in this hellhole, but here I am. The rest of the people in your life just want to give you all that touchy feely crap. Be a good person. Grow… learning to be better,” she sneered, before shaking her head.

 

“But that stuff only works for when you’re in fantasy land. Once you step out into the real world, you realise sooner of later that the real you is very different from the image you’ve created in your head. The problem is, all this self help stuff becomes addicting. Right now, you’re just going through withdrawals. And you’re fucking yourself up even more because you’re living with the biggest fluff enabler on planet earth.”

 

The words hurt, and ninety-five percent of Lena firmly denied them. She knew better than that.

 

But even that ninety-five percent couldn’t squash the little voice in her head that agreed with the jaded woman in front of her.

 

The unsettling feeling was back, and for the first time in months, Lena wondered if they had ever really gone away. Maybe this was just what she was. Maybe the life she had imagined was just built on a false foundation.

 

“She loves me, and I love her,” she said finally, denying to herself that the dark part of herself had come here for exactly these words. To be told this, so it could grow larger. 

 

Sam snorted at her answer.

 

“Oh, you love to play the naive fool don’t you. Let’s be clear here, she was using you. And you were using her. You were each other’s pet projects. It made you feel good to make her feel good. Propping her up validated you. Because you were bored. And now that you finally get to experience the joys of real life, you’re fighting within yourself. Because you know, deep down, that you have better things to do with your time.”

 

The words hung in the air, heavy and thick as if the were laden with lead. Lena stared down at the table top, and her fingers with had once again begun to shake. Suddenly, Sam’s hand was laid on top of hers and Lena’s eyes snapped up.

 

“The truth’s a bitch.”

 

Lena stared at her for a minute, before suddenly jerking her hand away. A slice of anger cutting through the cloud in her mind. 

 

“What the hell are you doing?” She spat out finally.

 

Sam arched an eyebrow.

 

“I offering comfort. Isn’t that what you do for friend’s?”

 

Lena let out a breathless laugh.

 

“You don’t consider me your friend. You don’t have them.”

 

“Well,” the patient replied contemplatively. “Maybe I have one now.”

 

* * *

 

Lena threw her full tumbler into the fire she had roaring in her apartment with a scream.

 

She had just gotten news that Maxwell Lord had convinced the board to withdraw all their funding into renewable energy, as well as cutting all scholarships LutherCorp offered. And worst of all, sell off the Luthor Children’s Hospital. All in the name of increasing profits, and going back to the company’s original mission.

 

Technological advancements at all costs. Profits over people.

 

“FUCK!” She screamed again, taking a swig from the bottle of brandy directly before ripping off her jacket from her sweaty body.

 

Everything that she was proud of creating in her previous tenure as CEO, gone up in smoke at the stroke of a pen while Maxwell Lord and her mother sat smugly with smirks on their faces.

 

Lena staggered and fell, shattering the glass of the bottle and falling in the pieces beneath her with a crunch. Her breath escaped her, but when it returned she merely let out a cackle of hysterical laughter. She pulled her arms out from underneath her and felt a tinge of pain. Lena held them up in front of her to inspect, only the find small shards of the broken glass digging into her skin and releasing tiny rivets of blood down her arms. The brunette felt numb, but watched thepatterns as the red lines fell with fascination. The CEO touched a line of it with her fingers, smearing out until it hit the raised scar from her old months old wound. The fog in her brain washed away, and she blinked in horror at what she was doing. The pain of the injuries suddenly seemed to registered and she lifted herself slowly to her feet with pain, clutching her arm against her chest, staining her shirt.

She stumbled towards the kitchen, tears staring to fall down her face as she opened all the drawers haphazardly in search for a first aid kit. Once she found it, Lena pulled out the tweezers and hovered them over one of the wounds. The CEO stopped herself, pouring another glass of scotch from one of her collection of bottles on the bench top. Knocking it back, and before the burn could vanish from her throat she dug into her arm to pull the first piece of glass out.

 

* * *

 

The fire had long since died out by the time night had fallen over the city. Lena sat on the edge of her could, with yet another glass of scotch in her hand as she stared out over the city in darkness. Her arm was wrapped now. The wounds were superficial, but numerous. At least she wouldn’t have a problem hiding the bandages. She hadn’t worn short sleeves in a long time and if she did she always wore a jacket. Lena could hardly wear her scars for all to see, then nobody would have to guess where she had been for the last few months they would just know.

 

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she chose to ignore it. After not talking to her for the past two days, Kara had been texting her non stop over the last two hours. Evidently, the news about LutherCorp’s recent decisions had been released to the media.

 

**Kara: Lena, I just heard on the news about the closures.**

 

**Kara: Are you ok?**

 

**Kara: I know we haven’t talked for a few days, but I need to know if you’re ok.**

 

**Kara: Are you ok?**

 

**Kara: Are you at the office?**

 

**Kara: Are you home?**

 

**Kara: I’m getting worried.**

 

**Kara: Just tell me if you’re safe.**

 

She’d stopped reading after that, even as the buzzing and ringing continued.

 

What was she supposed to say? No, she’s not fucking ok. Everything in her life was blowing up and falling to pieces and the one thing that she thought she was slowly getting a handle on was slipping away from her too. Lena took another sip of her drink, when a sliver of light pierced the dark room and fell across the side of her face. 

 

“Lena?” Kara’s voice sounded, as she entered the dark room. 

 

She flicked the lights on, making the brunette squint at the sudden change. There was a pause and the brunette closed her eyes when she heard the sudden gasp.

 

“Oh my God… Lena, what happened?” The other woman said with a shaky voice, before taking fast steps forward, the still shattered glass beneath her feet crunching under her shoes. 

 

The CEO suddenly felt cool fingers against her cheek and another gasp when her other hand touched the edges of the bandages.

 

“Lena, look at me.”

 

Her girlfriend’s voice was demanding, making the CEO open her eyes instantly.

 

Kara’s face was teeming with a mix of emotions. Anger, terror and fear.

 

Sadness and pain.

 

It lanced through the numbness in Lena’s brain, but the feeling didn’t last. Fading away as fast as it had come.

 

“What did you do, baby?” Kara said in a pleading voice, her eye flooding over with tears as she crouched down and gripped Lena’s shoulders tightly, shaking them slightly.

 

“Jesus, Lena. Talk to me. PLEASE!” 

 

She yelled the final word, making Lena pull away, stand and shove past her on her way to get another drink. Her hand had just reached for the bottle when grabbed it from her instead.

 

“What doing?” Lena spluttered out.

 

Kara began to pour the bottle down the sink.

 

“I’m stopping you from killing yourself,” she replied grimly.

 

The CEO snorted in response.

 

“I’m not going to kill myself,” she muttered.

 

The blonde turned around, her face livid and red with rage.

 

“Oh yes, you are! By drink, by work or by A FUCKING KNIFE! Don’t tell me you’re not trying to kill yourself!”

 

Lena sneered at that.

 

“And what would you fucking know about it? What would you know about anything?”

 

Her girlfriend looked ready to bit out a reply, her knuckles turning white as she clenched her fists. She stopped herself though and let out a heavy sigh.

 

“Lena, you’re drunk. You need to get some sleep and then we can talk about this in the morning.”

 

The brunette rolled her eyes and threw her hands up and into the air.

 

“Oh, what? Now you don’t want to bloody talk? Weeks and weeks of nagging, trying to get me to ‘open up’ and now you don’t want me to?”

 

Lena walked forward and poked a finger against the blonde’s chest.

 

“You know what? You can be a real asshole. Imagining problems where there aren’t any. Creating and stirring up shit.”

 

Kara rose to the bait, grabbing the brunette’s and holding it up so they could both see the bandages.

 

“Am I imaging this? AM I IMAGINING THIS!?”

 

The CEO yanked her arm away.

 

“For God’s sake… I tripped and fell in some glass. I didn’t try to fucking kill myself! And yes, maybe if it wasn’t for you I could’ve have been focused on my work. Given it the attention it needed to succeed. Maybe, if it wasn’t for you, thousands of kids would have their health care secure. Maybe if it wasn’t for you, MY LIFE’S DREAM WOULDN’T BE GOING UP IN SMOKE!”

 

The bipolar woman gave her an incredulous look.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell are you talking about? I’m not responsible for the directions your company takes. I’m not responsible for your crazy board or your insane mother. I’m sure as shit not responsible for you working until you drop, literally in a glass, and drinking until your liver explodes.”

 

Lena turned away, her shaking hand pressing against her head as she took a shuddering breath. After a pause, she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.

 

“Lena, you’re falling apart. I’m trying to help you, but I can’t unless you let me. You’ve got to let me in, baby. You know you can trust me…have I ever let you down before?”

 

She said it earnestly, but Lena didn’t want to listen. The walls she’d worked so long to eradicate slamming back up and locking into place. The CEO closed her eyes, and steeled herself.

 

“What are we to each other, Kara?” She questioned in a whisper. 

 

The blonde’s fingers tightened on her shoulder for a second. before her hand fell away.

 

“What are you doing, Lena?” she said in a warning voice.

 

The brunette hesitated, before continuing.

 

“I’m starting to believe that we bonded in battle and shared pain. Nothing else. Now that we’re here, and we’re functioning again. What really joins us together? A relationship should be built on more than just shared pain.”

 

Kara walked around so that she was standing in front of her. Lena steeled her spine and forced herself to look up and into her girlfriend’s blue eyes. 

 

“Lena, where is this coming from?” The bipolar woman asked, her voice wavering now and her face pale.

 

A nerve in the green-eyed woman’s cheek twitched, before she responded.

 

“I was talking to Sam-“

 

Kara’s move gapped.

 

“You went to Sam for relationship advice? You talked to Sam about our relationship?” The blondesaid in a infuriated voice.

 

Lena bristled at the other woman’s tone, and she folded her arms across her chest protectively.

 

“Don’t get all holier than thou, Kara. Look me straight in the eye and tell me you haven’t been taking about me behind my back to your sister. I’m betting Lucy, Maggie and Clark too.”

 

The blonde’s jaw tightened.

 

“They’re our friends, Lena. We can trust them. Unlike Madam Sociopath.”

 

“Don’t call her that!” Lena snapped. “And they’re your friends, not mine.”

 

Kara gave her an incredulous look.

 

“What are you talking about? They ARE your friends! And my point remains… fucking Sam? No doubt she fed you some bullshit line about how I was an idiot? That you’re far better off without me? Let me tell you something about Sam, Lena. I know you don’t want to believe it, but she gets off on causing pain. She can’t do it in the real world anymore, but she’s managed to get her hooks right into you!”

 

Lena snarled, her hackles rising.

 

“So now I’M the naive idiot? Compared to you? The woman who believes in any fairy tale she spouts? Floating through life like a fairy!”

 

Kara slammed her hand down onto the kitchen bench.

 

“You think my life has been easy? You know about all the shit I’ve been through! And at least I wasn’t born with a silver spoon shoved up my ass! I worked my way up from nothing. Twice!”

 

The CEO opened her mouth to bite back, when all the fight in her suddenly drained from her body.Instead, she just stared at the other woman as a profound sadness filled her.

 

She knew what she had to do now.

 

Lena took a step back.

 

“I think… you should go, Kara,” she whispered out.

 

The blonde’s face drained of colour further, and her shoulders collapsed in on herself.

 

“What are you saying, Lena?”

 

The CEO shuddered, before turning away to hide her tears.

 

“I think… you should go.”

 

She heard the sounds of steps behind her, and when the blonde spoke it was as if she was whispering in her ear.

 

“Say it. Tell me what you’re really saying.”

 

The brunette’s tears slipped down her face.

 

“I can’t do this anymore, Kara…. I need to… I need to focus. I need to focus on MY life. I can’t… I can’t handle anything more.”

 

A pause.

 

“You’re breaking up with me.”

 

Lena took a step forward and away from the other woman’s shattered voice.

 

“Yes.”

 

No more words were said, instead the sound of footsteps walking away echoed through the apartment until the door opened and closed with a click.

 

Silenced descended, and Lena let out a wracking sob and collapsed on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!! BLARGHVKJVUJBHVTFJHVTFIHVTU
> 
> Let me know what you thought!


	28. Life Is What We Make It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bloody hell. This is the longest chapter I have ever written for this fic, and it took a lot out of me. Especially considering the way the last chapter ended. But let me know what you think!

Kara refused to wake up, even as the sound of the TV that had been running all night washed over her. Because when she woke up, then the truth would come crashing down on her all over again. Just like it had been for the past month. 

 

The miserable, shitty fucking truth.

 

She had decided, that as long as she kept to her chapter goals she wasn’t going to feel guilty. As long as she kept up to date on her work. As long as she was pumping her words out with regular speed, Kara was being productive. And if she was being productive then she wasn’t falling apart. 

 

Granted, most of her productive work was leaning towards a lot of angry and sad characters. Kara, in a moment of extreme sadness, had written a terribly tragic end to her story that involved the main character dying pointlessly. 

 

She threw that version out the next morning. 

 

A small knock on her door sounded, breaking apart the news readers discussion of the day, but the blonde merely groaned and buried herself further in the couch cushion, wrapping the blanket tighter around herself as she crinkled the scattered pieces of paper. 

 

“Kara, I know you’re in there.”

 

The doorknob rattled, and the knocking increased in intensity.

 

“Kara, people are asking where you’ve been.”

 

The blonde groaned into her pillow, pressing her face even further down.

 

“They say have courage, and I’m trying to. I’m right out here for you just let me in.”

 

The door was now pounding so loudly, the blue-eyed woman had no choice but to stand and drag herself over to it, yanking it open.

 

“Fucking Frozen, really?” she growled out.

 

Alex arched an eyebrow, her eyes raking over the blonde’s form and the fluffy doona she was snuggled in. She finally rested her gaze on Kara’s bird nest of hair.

 

“It brought me no pleasure, but what else was I going to do? At this point, I feel like fucking hosting an intervention.:

 

The blue-eyed woman’s face turned despondent, and her eyes distant. She wandered back in her apartment and sat back down on the couch amongst her loose papers. 

 

“An intervention for what?”

 

Her redheaded sister sat down next to her with a thump.

 

“For you. Because you’re falling into a giant hole.”

 

Kara’s temper boiled over, and a sudden pain lanced her head. A headache she felt she’d been storing for the past month erupted over an into her brain. She faced her sister and levelled her with aglare.

 

“I’m not avoiding you, am I?” She spat out. 

 

“I’m taking my medication, I see Dox regularly. I still go out to visit Lucy and I talk to Eliza on the phone every week. I’m keeping up with my work, and my fitness I’m not spending all my money, I’m not hooking up with everyone I see. What’s there to host an intervention about?”

 

Alex huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

 

“Ok, so maybe not an intervention,” she replied with an eyeball. "Maybe just a small ‘I’m here for you’ chat. You down for that at least?”

 

Kara shrugged, knowing that her sister meant well. But she wasn’t in the mood, just how she hadn’t been in the mood for the past month. Instead of answering, she turned her attention to the TV. Watching as the old and greying presenter spoke enthusiastically about all the trends in the market this week. The redhead watched her closely before her eyes also turned to the television. 

 

“Why are you watching Business Insider?” She finally said in asuspicious voice.

 

Kara flushed but burrowed herself deeper into the couch.

 

“Maybe I just like the show,” she muttered.

 

Alex raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything as she continued to watch the TV. Her eyebrows hit her hairline when suddenly speculation on the new direction of LutherCorp was discussed. Full of photos of Lena as CEO. 

 

“Or maybe,” she said dryly. “You’re just creepily watching out for any sign of your ex.”

 

Kara scowled at her sister and clenched a pillow within her fists.

 

“She’s not my ex! She’s… I don’t fucking know. It’s not like we ever had an actual sit down conversation about the logistics of it all. Does it even count as a fucking relationship when it lasted for the grand total of a fucking month?”

 

Alex gave her a pitying look.

 

“Kara, be fair you were together for a lot longer than that.”

 

The blonde stared down at the pillow within her fists before tossing it aside.

 

“Not in time that actually counted,” she muttered.

 

Alex stared at her, long and hard, before her face flooded with sympathy.

 

“You don’t mean that,” she whispered out.

 

The blonde held her stare for a minute before her eyes wavered and returned back to the TV. 

 

“You’re right, I don’t,” she said in a dejected whisper. “I don’t know what I fucking mean these days.”

 

The redhead watched her closely and shuffled closer across the couch until she was sitting directly beside her. She wound her arms over Kara’s shoulder and pulled her close in a tight half-hug.

 

“Kara, you need to open up to someone properly. I know you talk about it… But you don’t really say anything.”

 

The blonde opened her mouth the speak.

  
“I…”

 

Kara’s words trailed off, and her eyes zoned back in on the TV as today’s share prices flashed over the screen.

 

“Her stocks have gone up since she announced that they were closing the children’s hospital,” Kara noted bitterly as the financial man droned on. “Imagine that, not even trying to sell it or something.. Just shutting it down. All those poor kids…”

 

“Yeah, it was a pretty shit thing to do.”

 

“It wasn’t her, Alex… But I just don’t know why she-“ 

 

Her words cut off again when a clip of a new conference Lena had held last night flashed on the screen. Kara scrambled for the remote, even shoving her sister off the couch to find it, and turned the volume up on the TV.

 

_“…and what does this say about the ethics of LutherCorp? You said when you first took over as CEO that you wanted to change the direction of the company? Do you feel that shutting down a hospital is the right way to go about it?”_

 

Kara watched Lena closely. To most people, she seemed to remain stoic in the face of the journalist’s question. But the blonde could see, even through the screen, a subtle shift in her posture as her shoulders stiffened. And it didn’t take a genius to see that Lena had lost a lot of weight and that the bags under her eyes weren’t being hidden with makeup.

 

_“My goals for the future of this company haven’t changed. But in order to achieve those goals, unfortunately, sacrifices must be made.”_

 

_“Do you consider children’s health a sacrifice?”_

 

Kara took a sharp breath at that, and Lena didn’t reply for half a millisecond.

 

_“The patients at the Luther Children’s hospital are my highest concern right now. Can I say that the company can afford to continue managing the hospital? No. But I do vow, that I am personally funding a transitional team to help families manage the upcoming transition to new hospitals.”_

 

The news conference was cut off then, by the return of the old and boring newscaster. Kara turned away from the TV to face Alex.

 

“She looks horrible. Like she hasn’t been eating.”

 

Alex gave her a pained look.

 

“Kara….”

 

The blonde bristled.

 

“I’m just saying, maybe I should…”

 

And then deflated just as quickly..

 

“No… I can’t”

 

Alex watched her as she folded in on herself. She reached out and grabbed Kara’s hand, squeezing it tightly before speaking softly. 

 

“You’ve been doing this back and forth thing in your head about whether you should go see her for a month now.”

 

The blonde grimaced in pain and pulled away so she could hold her head in her hands. After a minute, she spoke in a choked voice. 

 

“I can’t,” she said pained. “No, that’s not true... I can, but this time I’m not going to. I can’t be the one who chases her. Not this time. It’s just…we spent so long getting to know each other, and then we broke up so fast. It was… I feel like my arm has been cut off.“

 

Alex didn’t respond straight away and instead looked around at Kara’s messy apartment with her papers scattered everywhere.

 

“And what have you been doing since we last talked?” She finally asked in a tone that indicated she already knew the answer.

 

“Writing. Writing some more,” Kara said dryly, before leaning down to pick up some of the fallen sheets.

 

The redhead sighed.

 

“Kara….”

 

“Alex…” The blonde mimicked, rolling her eyes.

 

The redhead gave her an annoyed, before jumping to her feet.

 

“Come on… Let’s go out to lunch at least. Have a shower, spruce up. Let’s get out of here.”

 

Kara wasn’t listening though, her eyes had returned to the TV where a picture of Lena had appeared.

 

“Do you wonder if anyone has been to check on her?” She said quietly.

 

Alex stared at her, biting her lip, before letting out a breath.

 

“Is this you asking me to do it?”

 

Kara absorbed her sister’s neutral voice with trepidation and turned to look at the older woman with pleading eyes.

 

“She doesn’t have anyone, Alex. Regardless of all that… she said. She deserves to have someone to lean on.”

 

The agent watched her quietly, with a blank face, before she frowned slightly.

 

“I know,” she answered. “Maggie went round the other day.”

 

The blonde’s face went from falling, to enthusiastic in half a second.

 

“She did? How was she?” She demanded, before chastising herself with a head shake. “

 

No, actually don’t tell me,” she said bitterly. “It’s none of my business. If she wants me to know, she can tell me herself.”

 

The blonde stared down at the floor, her thoughts turning dark. Alex watched her silently, before once again taking a seat next to her and resting a hand on her shoulder.

 

“I can’t believe I’m playing devil's advocate… but have you ever considered that it was because she was struggling so much that she pushed you away?”

 

Kara gave the redhead an incredulous look.

 

“Of course I’ve considered that!”

 

Alex shrugged her shoulders and looked at her with clouded eyes.

 

“I’m just saying when you’ve spent your whole life struggling by yourself… it’s hard to adjust. Sure, you may have the best of plans in place now. The best of friends and family… but when shit really hits the fan, we have a tendency to revert back to those old habits. So even though you’re there, offering to help, her brain is so convinced that it can’t be true that she pushes you away regardless. Almost seems as if she’s maiming herself.”

 

The redhead’s eyes became distant, and for a pained second Kara wondered if her sister wasn’t, in fact, speaking about herself.

 

“People abandoned her before when she needed them the most.,” the agent continued. “So now, when she needs people the most again, she doesn’t believe in what they are offering. She doesn’t trust what they have to offer. She ended it before you abandoned her.”

 

The writer’s eyes welled with frustrated tears.

 

“You don’t think I’ve thought of all that? Don't you think that I’ve spent this past month analysing and reanalysing every aspect of it? But I can’t demand more than she’s willing to give, Alex. For my own sake. For my own health.”

 

A few tears slipped down her face, and Alex pulled out her handkerchief for the blonde to use. After she blew her nose, the agent spoke again in a wistful voice.

 

“You were so happy when you were with her Kara. You… glowed with it. And it’s not just me saying that Lucy agrees with me.”

 

The words seemed to lance the blonde’s heart, and for a minute she wanted nothing more than to run to Lena’s door and demand her to take her back. But the thought shattered into a thousand pieces when the swell of hurt Lena had left her with grew once more.

 

“You know the crazy thing about bipolar, Alex?” She began bitterly. “You get these extreme highs. These unimaginable ups where you truly believe that the world is yours to take. Like you can conquer absolutely everything in your path. But… the lows, Alex. Feeling like you are barely worth more than a piece of gum on a sidewalk. Like nothing you do will ever amount to anything. Like anything you have achieved, no matter how great, is worth absolutely nothing at all. I don’t want a relationship like that, Alex. Is it selfish of me for just wanting something normal in my life? If we were to stay together, we would be bouncing off each other for the rest of our lives. Is the really what I want? Is that really what I can handle? Maybe it sounds selfish, but I don’t know if… My heart aches for her Alex. It really does. But I’m afraid now. I’m afraid that is I stay with her I’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Her shoe, my shoe… all the fucking shoes! What am I supposed to feel about that? How am I supposed to handle that? Normal people, they meet up, get to know each other, date, move in, get engaged, married blah blah blah... But us? Jesus, does no one realise how fucked up it is that we met in a psychiatric ward? It has disaster stamped all over it.”

 

Alex had begun to cry at her words, and Kara felt guilty but wisely chose not to say anything.

 

After a minute, when the agent’s tears had dried, the redhead spoke in gravely voice.

 

“We all saw it, Kara. We all feared for the world that you’re describing. Don't you think that we worried? And me, god I feared most of all. You know that… But the way you looked at her… And has time went on, no matter if you were high or low, it stayed the same. And she loved you, Kara. She probably still does.”

 

“So, I’m supposed to open my heart again for more damage?” Kara said, pained.

 

Alex shook her head and pulled her sister in for a tight hug.

 

“No, of course not Kara,” she whispered into her ear. “Just… don’t forget all the good that you felt either. You said it yourself, this isn’t her. Not too long ago, I was sure if I’d ever see the sister I knew you were again. I worried if maybe I was deluding myself into believing that person ever existed at all. But looking at you, sitting here now… I’m glad I never forgot.”

 

Kara pulled away, crying once again, and gave her sister a loving look.

 

“I’ll never do anything in my life to deserve a sister like you, Alex,” she said croakily.

 

Alex gave her a strained smile, but her eyes sparkled.

 

“Well, I am pretty amazing.”

 

* * *

 

Kara was walking along the street, a laden down with a bag of heavy takeout that she had decided to indulge herself in that afternoon when her writer’s block had just become too much. This week, she seemed to be at a particularly tough point in her novel. The whole thing was supposed to be based on Kara’s time in the hospital, so the main character obviously reflected that. But how could she write about her time in the hospital without including the romance that had occurred there? Or how it had ended…

 

Her thoughts were broody, and her editor was demanding. The whole thing made her felt like banging her head hard against a wall. Hence, deciding to get some air and some food. The blonde’s thoughts were distracted by a small set up of tables and crates outside the local pet shop. Smiling volunteers were showing passerby's profiles of dogs and cats, while others explained what they were doing and were showcasing some of the animals they had.

 

The blonde couldn’t help but smile at the enthusiasm of the volunteers, clearly passionate about their jobs, but her thought was suddenly cut off when a large body jumped on her and nearly knocked her over. A young and apologetic man pulled the lead back and looked at the bewildered Kara with horror.

 

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. He really is incredibly well behaved it’s just when he sees someone and decides he really likes them her gets… enthusiastic.”  


 

Kara looked from the man’s pale face, down to the large panting dog between them that was starting up at her with a mad gleam and his tongue lolling out.

 

“No, that’s ok,” she responded with a smile. “I’m the exact same way.”

 

The man gave her a relieved smile and Kara reached down with her free hand for the dog to sniff. He did so enthusiastically, giving it a wet lick and proceed to lean his full weight against the writer’s leg while staring up at her bag of food.

 

“Or maybe he was just more enthusiastic about the food than about me,” she said with a laugh.

 

The volunteer smiled fondly at the large brown mutt.

 

“He’s got quite the stomach, that’s true. But I think he really does like you.”

 

He eyed her carefully.

 

“Would you be interested in taking him home? All the animals here are available for adoption today.”

 

Kara gave the dog a wistful look but shook her head.

 

“No, I was just getting lunch.”

 

The young man smiled again.

 

“Sometimes the best things in our life happen on the way to lunch!”

 

The blonde laughed, the brown dog nuzzled further into her side at the sound of it making Kara’s heart glow slightly.

 

“Did you read that on a fortune cookie? Besides, he seems super friendly. I’m sure he’ll get adopted quickly.”

 

“Well, you never know. The poor boy has been returned twice to the shelter before.”

 

Kara’s forehead crinkled, looking down at the lovely dog with a frown.

 

“Why would anyone do that?”

 

The young man sighed.

 

“He’s pretty energetic. Requires a lot of attention. And man is he fast. I swear he’s got a bit of greyhound in him because the boy can run. And he is well behaved, but he has a short attention span. The people that took him just didn’t have to time to give him the continuing attention I guess.”

 

“That’s terrible, he’s such a cutie,” she said with a sigh, looking down at the dog once again who was still staring at the bag of food she had completely fixated.

 

The man gave her a knowing smile, before rummaging around in his files to pull out a laminated sheet to hand to her.

 

“This is all the information we know about him. We’re not one hundred per cent sure of his age, but we guess about three. He likes walking, playing fetch and eating. He really likes to eat. He’s a bitser though. Bit of this, a bit of that. I’d take a guess at a lot of energetic breeds though. And he’s all go all day if you don’t wear him out.”

 

“I could take him on my run’s,” Kara muttered before she realised what she was saying.

 

She shook her head, and handed the paper and the leash, though she was unsure how that had gotten into her hand in the first place, back to the young man.

 

“Look, he’s great. But I don’t know if I’m ready to take on a dog.”

 

The man looked disappointed but nodded his head in understanding. She gave the dog one last lingering look, before turning and walking away from the tables. Every step she took, made her more miserable than the last and she made the mistake of peeking over her shoulder about twenty metres away to find the dog’s eyes still fixed on her even as the manhandling him was talking to someone else. Her thin will cracked suddenly, and she let out a groan before turning back around.

 

“No impulse purchases,” she muttered to herself. “You’re bipolar, watch those impulse purchases.”

 

She stopped in front the man, the dog’s tail wagging excitedly, and cut him off from whatever he was about to say to the people he was still talking to.

 

“How much is the adoption fee?”

 

The man smiled at her and directed the couple he was talking with to another volunteer.

 

“Two hundred dollars. And he’s fully desexed, and you get a collar, leash and doggy gift bag.”

 

Kara nodded and pulled out her wallet. 

 

“And you have to sign some papers. Your name, address, contact number. And the dogs name too.”

 

She looked down at the grinning dog again with a smile.

 

“He doesn’t have a name now?”

 

The man nodded.

 

“Oh yeah, he does. It’s just some people like to change it. Needs to be something special for the fastest dog alive.”

 

* * *

 

Kara sat curled up in her bed, typing madly away on her computer while Barry slept happily beside her. The blonde patted the back of the dog absentmindedly as she proofread her final lines and closed her computer with a sigh. 

 

“What do you think, huh?” She questioned the snoozing dog who’s only response was to flick his ear. 

 

“Good enough for today? Plenty of words down?”

 

Barry cracked open an eye and flexed his legs before letting out a content sigh. 

 

“You know, you’re pretty easy to talk to,” Kara said fondly. “Maybe we were made for each other? Meant to be and all that.”

 

The blonde stared at the wall, distractedly in her thoughts while her fingers still curled in her new dog’s fur. 

 

“We just click, you know. It’s only happened to me once before but it didn’t work out. I guess I’m lucky it’s happened to me twice, I suppose most people don’t even get one chance let alone two.”

 

She let out a sigh.

 

“Maybe I’m the idiot. It’s been two months now, and not a word has gone between us. All that energy, that passion, that love that was there and now…. just silence. I wouldn’t even know she was alive if I didn’t stalk her on social media and watch out for her on the news. She doesn’t look good, Barry. And I don’t know what to do about it, because I still love her and it hurts to see her like this. It hurts me not to be near her. But I can’t help it. Something in me is telling me that for my own sake and her’s I can’t be the one to make a move her. It has to be her. She hurt me, Barry. I haven’t been wounded like that in a very long time. But I don’t want to never see her again. What do you think I should do?”

 

The dog, of course, didn’t reply. He merely tilted his head again when he sensed her watching him, Barry held her gaze for a minute, and Kara wondered briefly if he was staring into her soul and trying to tell her something.

 

That was when he farted.

 

Kara pulled the covers up instantly to cover her nose from the horrible stench, at and the sudden movement Barry bounced up to his feet wagging his tail.

 

“Was that supposed to be a statement for or against seeing her, Barry? Your delivery was a bit unclear there,” she said muffledly, her eyes leaking slightly from the toxicity of the smell.

 

Barry gave her a long and happy lick across her face, that left the blonde woman spluttering before she burst out into laughter at the ridiculousness of it all. 

 

She laughed until she cried, and then she cried until she sobbed until the wave if emotions she hadn’t realised she had been holding back crashed over her all at once. The dog, seeming to sense what she needed, curled up again beside her. He nudged her knee, and Kara obligingly patted his head. 

 

* * *

 

“Kara, stop being such a wet sock and relax a little,” Lucy cajoled over the smooth music as the pair settled on their bar stools.

 

The blonde grimaced at her friend before she gestured the bartender for a drink.

 

“I told you, I didn’t feel like coming out. I’d rather be at home with Barry, watching Netflix.”

 

Lucy rolled her eyes, before ordering the pair two drinks and giving the bartender a wink.

 

She turned back to face Kara and poked her shoulder.

 

“Come on, Kara. You know Maggie and Alex are taking good care of him. They’re watching the tennis, and in all honesty, I don’t which of them is more invested in the outcome of the game.”

 

The blonde’s heart glowed at the mention of her new dog.

 

“Did I ever tell you that I leave the tennis on for him when I’m not home? He likes to watch the ball as it bounces back and forth.”

 

Lucy huffed, even though a smile played at the corner of her mouth.

 

“Yes, Kara,” she said in an exasperated voice. “In the month you’ve had him I’ve heard absolutely nothing from you except for cute dog stories. Don’t get me wrong, Barry is cute as hell and he’s been so great for you but he doesn’t replace the need for actual human contact.”

 

Kara took a sip of her drink.

 

“He’s better than most humans,” she said in a muffled voice.

 

“She says bitterly into her drink,” Lucy muttered. “Come on, K. It’s been two months now.”

 

The blonde glared at the other woman.

 

“And what, pray tell, is that supposed to mean?” She said in a testy voice.

 

The lawyer gave her a sympathetic look and spoke in a soothing voice.

  
“Kara, we all liked her. We all cared about her. You know that me, Maggie and Alex have all tried to see her but she won’t let us. She isn’t talking to Clark either. You refuse to talk to her at all. I know you love her, Kara. It’s obvious to anyone that has eyes. But if she hasn’t contacted you in this long-“

 

The blonde growled and cut her friend off.

 

“What are you trying to say? That I should just… forget all about her? Like it never happened?”

 

Lucy looked at her seriously.

 

“She hasn’t tried to contact you either, Kara. Whatever it is, she’s got to work it out on her own. If she doesn’t want to accept help, then she’s got to work it out on her own. But you can’t stop living life because you’re waiting for her to do that. You’ve already spent so much of it recovering, now is the time to seize your moment! You’ve got a book contract, a family that loves you and amazing friends if I do say so myself. You need to live, not just work. You’re allowed to go out and connect with people.”

 

Kara felt a weight fall on her shoulders at her friend’s words.

 

“You’re not just talking about making new friends, are you?” She said in a strained voice.

 

Lucy shook her head.

 

“No, I’m not. At least open yourself up to the possibility of it, Kara. You have so much to offer. And look, I’ve taken you to the fanciest new club in town. None of that grinding of techno music. This is a grown-up club. You can drink, dance, relax with someone in dark corners.”

 

The blonde looked around the club and admitted her friend had a point about the place. It was cool and classy. Not too loud and the music was more smooth jazz than pop. Much more Kara’s scene than Lucy’s, so she knew her friend had made an effort to make Kara comfortable tonight. 

 

She turned back to her friend with a fond smile. 

 

“Maybe I just want to spend the night with you.”

 

Lucy gave her a sultry wink.

 

“Maybe one day, K. I won’t say no, cause you are rocking that dress… but unfortunately, I’ve had my eye on that hot guy in the corner ever since we came in. Have fun!”

 

At those final words, her friend stood suddenly and walked away, leaving Kara calling furiously after her.

 

“Wait, Luce don’t just… And she’s gone.”

 

She sat silently for a minute, before turning back to face the bar. She stirred her drink moodily before slowly sipping it until it was completely gone. She looked at it suspiciously, before gesturing for the bartender.

 

“Excuse me, can I have another gin and tonic?”

 

Suddenly, someone slipped onto the bar stool Lucy had vacated and gave her a blinding grin/

 

“G and T kinda girl? I like that, shows class,” the woman said in a grave voice, before turning to speak to the bartender. “It’s on me, Dave.”

 

The man nodded, and Kara accepted the free drink with a nod, before facing the dark-skinned woman uncertainly.

 

“Ahh…Thank you?”

 

The woman smiled again, and Kara couldn’t help but rake her eyes over the woman’s form. Her tight fitting black dress, and the large dragon tattoo curling up and over her shoulder. She screamed sex and danger, but the blonde wasn’t really affected. 

 

“Don’t mention it,” the woman said. “You looked a little lonesome all by yourself here.”

 

Kara sighed.

 

“I came with a friend, but she’s abandoned me to go make out in a corner,” Kara said to the dark-skinned woman, looking around to find that she couldn’t see Lucy anywhere.

 

The blonde rolled her eyes and turned back to the smirking woman.

 

“Or possibly she took him home with her,” she said dryly.

 

The woman’s grin never faltered, but she took a sip of her expensive looking scotch. Looking at the amber liquid, Kara was unfortunately reminded painfully of Lena.

 

“And left you here, all alone?” The woman said, oblivious to Kara’s internal thoughts. “Sounds like she’ll be winning friend of the year. But maybe I should thank her, I might have been too timid to come up to you if you weren’t alone.”

 

She said the line smoothly, and the darkness of the room seemed to make the teasing tone in her voice run up the length of the blonde’s spine.

 

Kara took a large sip of her drink, and Lucy’s words ran through her mind. 

 

_It’s ok to connect to people._

 

“Somehow, I don’t think being timid is your problem,” she finally answered, with a grin of her own.

 

The woman looked pleased by her answer, and her smug smile became satisfied as her eyes raked up and down Kara’s form.

 

“You’re a straight shooter, I like that,” she replied before taking a swig of her drink and looking around the bar.

 

“Still, you’ve picked a good club to come and drink,” she said smoothly.

 

The blonde shrugged.

 

“I couldn’t tell you. I don’t know anything about it.”

 

“New on the club scene?” The woman said with an intrigued expression.

 

Kara thought about her years in the hospital.

 

“You could say I’ve been out of the loop for a bit,” she said grimly.

 

“Well, my dear,” the woman replied smoothly. “You’re lucky to have found this place. The best spot in town.”

 

Kara shrugged.

 

“I don’t know…” She said easily.

 

The other woman’s eyes raised.

 

“What’s not to like? Dark lighting, great music, good booze. All the best things in life… especially now that you’re here.”

 

Kara laughed at the smooth words. The woman was very good at sweet talk.

 

“Does that line work on anyone?” She said with a smirk.

 

The woman's eyes flashed, and she leaned in to whisper.

 

“You tell me.”

 

The blonde held her gaze, and felt a stir of… something…in her stomach. It didn’t sit well with her, so she chose not to reply and instead turned back to her drink. After a few seconds, she spoke in a nonchalant voice. 

 

“So, what brings you to this club?” Kara said lightly.

 

The woman smirked amusedly.

 

“To Flame you mean? I own it.”

 

The words sat in the air and Kara felt a wave of mortification crash over her. She let out a groan and rubbed her forehead.

 

“You..you own it? Well, now I just feel embarrassed.”

 

The woman laid a hand on Kara’s arm, the seemed to make the blonde’s arm burn.

 

“Don’t be…” the woman said deeply. “You’re cute enough to get away with anything.”

 

The blonde flushed but laughed all the same.

 

“There you go, with your lines again.”

 

The woman gestured around her.

 

“What can I say? This is me, just as I am.”

 

The woman gave her an appraising look before gesturing to the back of the room.

 

“You wanna come over to my booth? Maybe have a drink?”

 

Kara raised her eyebrow.

 

“So we can make out in dark corners?”

 

“If that’s what you want,” the woman said simply.

 

Kara hesitated, before sighing and giving the woman an apologetic smile.

 

“Look, I’m going to be honest. I just got out of a… serious relationship.”

 

Even as she said it, the blonde shook her head internally. Yeah, she thought, a serious relationship that started in a psychiatric ward.

 

The woman didn’t seem phased.

 

“So?”

 

Kara grimaced.

 

“Well, I don’t think I’m ready to-“

 

The woman interrupted her with another grin.

 

“Let loose? Have a little fun? Free drinks? Hopefully good conversation? What’s the harm in saying yes, I invited you to a booth? I didn’t ask you to marry me.”

 

Kara hesitated again, but Lucy’s words rang in her head once again. And suddenly, a part of her did just want to let loose. To relax, and stop thinking about the huge hole in her heart for one minute.

 

“Ok, I suppose you can afford the liquor.”

 

The woman smiled, before leading Kara to the booth and slipping in beside her easily.

 

“So…” she purred. "What’s your name, sweet thing?”

 

The blonde smiled.

 

“I’m Kara, what’s yours?”

 

The woman winked.

 

“You can call me Roulette.”

 

* * *

 

“Wait, so you wrapped your bosses car around a tree?” Roulette said with a loud laugh.

 

Kara winced, but the alcohol in her system made her laugh as well.

 

“Yeah, not my finest hour.”

 

The other woman smirked.

 

“Do they have security footage? I would pay good money to see that!”

 

The blonde groaned into her hands at the thought of anyone seeing that footage ever again.

 

“Oh, God. I hope they scrubbed it. I probably look as deranged as I feel.”

 

The dark-skinned woman chuckled lowly, before laying a hand on the blonde’s elbow.

 

“Maybe you’re just the right amount of crazy,” she purred. “My kind of crazy. At least you’re doing things, living your life.”

 

Kara smiled, a proud part of herself glowing inside.

 

“Well, it took a while but I’m getting there.”

 

The woman smirked and gestured around the room.

 

“I like to surround myself with people who know what they want and go for it. No strings to tie me down.”

 

That was certainly easy enough for Kara to believe.

 

“Commitment isn’t for you?” She said with a smile.

 

The woman rubbed her chin in thought.

 

“I tried it once, but I realised pretty soon that I wasn’t fit to handle it. When you have someone hanging off your arm and sucking you for all their emotional needs… Well, it can get too much.”

 

She said the words dismissively, and it rubbed the blonde the wrong way instantly.

 

“What if they just need your support? Your help? If you love them, isn’t it worth it then?”

 

The instant she said it, her thoughts once again drifted back to Lena.

 

“Maybe,” the woman replied. “But maybe sometimes you’ve just got to look after yourself. The first lesson to learn in life is to be as self-sufficient as possible.”

 

The blonde frowned.

 

“There’s a difference between being self-sufficient and selfish though.”

 

The woman pursed her lips in thought and nodded in acknowledgement.

 

“You’re right, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a little selfish. Sometimes, you gotta look out for yourself. And relationships, friendships whatever… Nothing is more important than the relationship you have with yourself.”

 

The words rung true in Kara’s mind. They spoke to the feelings that had grown in her lately, that she needs to look after herself and her own emotional health no matter how much Lena had hurt her.

 

“Yeah… I think I’m starting to get that. I’ve spent so much of my life in a fog, and then when that ended I… I don’t know. I think I just….”

 

She trailed off with a sniffle, and Roulette gestured for more drinks.

 

“Come on, have a drink before you start to cry.”

 

Kara narrowed her eyes at the other woman.

 

“I wasn’t going to cry.”

 

The woman smirked.

 

“Sure.”

 

As they waited for their drinks, the woman suddenly smiled and stood to her feet. Holding out her hand for a man who was walking towards them to shake.

 

“Graham! Great to see you thank you for coming to grace my little establishment.”

 

The man smiled, and Kara thought she vaguely recognised him as a famous sports star.

 

“Of course, how could I miss spending my Saturday in the best club in National City?” He said easily, before pulling away with a final wave to the club owner. “Always a pleasure, Veronica.”

 

Kara’s forehead crinkled at the name.

 

“Veronica?” She said in a whisper.

 

The woman… Veronica…. nodded with a smirk.

 

“That’s my name. Though I do prefer Roulette, it has a certain mysterious air I like to keep up.”

 

The blonde’s face paled.

 

“And you own this club?”

 

“Sure do.”

 

Kara looked at the other woman seriously, and appraisingly. 

 

“You’re Veronica Sinclair?”

 

The woman nodded, and Kara’s brain was flooded with every single thing she had ever heard from Lena about the woman now sitting opposite her. Lena’s ex-fiancee, who Kara vowed she would punch in the face if she ever saw her. 

  
“Ahh, so you’ve heard of me?” Veronica drawled, unaware of the flash of anger thrumming thought Kara’s brain.

 

“Yeah….” She said in reply.

 

The woman laughed.

 

“Whew, that sounds enthusiastic. Come on, well get a couple more drinks and then you can tell me all the naughty things you’ve heard about me.”

 

The anger grew in Kara’s mind, only to mix with confusion as her fists clenched. Was it even her place to say anything? About Lena… and… they had broken up. They were… It wasn’t her place. And even, how much did she even know about Veronica’s side of the story. Did she even have a side? Kara suddenly felt the urge to flee.

 

“I think I should go actually…”

 

Veronica’s eyes widened and she gestured for Kara to sit.

 

“What? Why? Come on, we were having such a good chat! One more drink, please? Then I get a chance to refute or confirm all the rumours you’ve heard.”

 

Kara hesitated, a now burning urge to find out more about the woman in front of her growing.

 

“I…”

 

Veronica pulled her back down into her seat.

 

“Come on,” she said with another white smile, and the unsettling urge Kara had to stay and talk to the other woman grew further. 

 

Learn more about her, learn more about her time with Lena…

 

“Ok.”

 

* * *

 

Kara knocked back her next shot and gasped at the burn in her mouth.

 

“You know, I really shouldn’t be drinking this much…” She drawled with a happy smile.

 

Veronica laughed.

 

“Breaking a good girl habit?”

 

The blonde smirked and gestured to her head.

 

“No… it just messes with my medication.”

 

“What are you on? E? LSD?” Veronica asked seriously.

 

Kara blanched.

 

“What? No!”

 

The club owner shrugged.

 

“Come on, we’ve all done it.”

 

The blonde frowned and mumbled into her drink.

 

“I’m on mood stabilisers you dick.”

 

Roulette groaned in appreciation.

 

“Christ, I could use some of them for the girls I meet.”

 

Kara gave her a confused look.

 

“Why? Do they need them?”  


 

“Do they… sure as shit they do!” Veronica cried.

 

The blonde watched her carefully, her muddled thoughts swirling in her head as her inhibitions fell away.

 

“You used to be engaged to Lena Luthor,” she finally said bluntly.

 

The other woman choked on her drink and patted her chest when she settled it on the table. Veronica gave her a calculating look, before responding with a sigh.

 

“Ahhh, what have you heard about that? You said you used to be a former journo, right? Looking to get an exclusive?” She said dryly.

 

The blonde frowned at the thought.

 

“Why would I want that?”

 

The club owner shrugged.

 

“I don’t know. Mysterious CEO resigns the position, breaks up with finance then disappears off the face of the earth. Only to return, a few months later, to take back control of the company she just walked away from. You tell me if there isn’t a story there. I’ve already been approached by all the paps in the business and I haven’t said a peep. But you? I like you, and I know for a fact that you had no idea who I was when I came to talk to you.”

 

“How could you know that?”

 

“Your face turned as white as a sheet when you realised who I was. Anyone would think I committed murder.”

 

Kara struggled, before answering with a breath.

 

“I didn’t think that.”

 

The woman stared at her, disbelieving.

 

“But you do think I’ve done something wrong, and you were the one to bring up Lena.”

 

Kara opened her mouth but stopped the truth from spilling out.  


 

“She’s an admirable figure,” she said instead.

 

Veronica snorted, full of derision that made the hairs on Kara’s neck stand up.

 

“That person, who stands up giving business talks and keynote speeches, that person isn’t the real Lena.”

 

The blonde frowned.

 

“And you know the real Lena?” She growled out.

 

Veronica shrugged.

 

“I’d like to think so, I was her fiancee.”

 

The blue-eyed woman sniffed.

 

“Well, just because you were engaged doesn’t mean you know everything about her,”

she said shortly.

 

Veronica watched her carefully.

 

“Oh, I see… You’ve been burnt before haven’t you?”

 

Kara had a sudden panicking thought that the woman knew. Knew that Kara and Lena used to… still were… 

 

“Well, I guess you could say that,” she said vaguely.

 

The club owner sat back, her eyes distant in thought before she finally responded.

 

“Sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes things are just destined not to work out. Sure, you learn from the experience, but that’s all it is. An experience.”

 

A surge of protectiveness grew in Kara’s chest.

 

“She seems like a good person. And you’ve just labelled her as an experience,” she said poisonously. 

 

Veronica laughed.

 

“Trust me, if you knew Lena, you’d call her the same.”

 

Kara glowed red in rage.

 

“Are you so shallow, that’s all you see people as? Experiences?” She hissed.

 

Veronica seemed surprised by her venom but spoke in a soothing and wistful voice after a beat.

 

“Lena was the first person I’d ever considered settling with. Ever. She was… fire and ice all at the same time. She was strong and broken all at once. She was funny, smart… great ass. But… towards the end.. she lost her focus. On what she wanted in life.. then everything went up in smoke. She wanted me to prop her up. I think that’s an unfair thing to ask someone to do, don’t you?”

 

Kara was struck by her words, of the truth in them. But, in her heart, she knew that while the other woman wasn’t wrong… she wasn’t right either.

 

“I think… sometimes people need help. And it’s not selfish to ask the people that have committed to being by their side, to do that for them. After all, isn’t that what you committed yourself to when you both agreed to get married? When you’ve committed to being together?”

 

The other woman sipped her drink and shrugged.

 

“Yeah, until you’re required to be a nursemaid.”

 

The blonde watched her, the real question she wanted to ask burning to be spoken out loud.

 

“What happened that made it fall apart?”

 

The pause grew between them.

 

“We… just went in different directions.”

 

And as Kara stared at her, her anger melted away. She realised that Veronica did in fact, speak the truth. As horrible as it had been, their life had simply gone in different directions. Education around mental health was vital, but some people were never going to equipped to handle it. It made Kara wonder, how many people trusty loved others unconditionally. We may think we do, but do we ever take serious time entering a relationship thinking that if this person is paralysed, will take care of them, be there for them. 

 

If this person becomes brain damaged, will I love them enough to be there for them, to take care of them,

 

If this person has a mental illness, will I love them enough to stay?

 

She looks at Veronica and thought of Lois. And of herself.

 

This woman didn’t ask for this. She didn’t know what she was getting in to.

 

So, Kara could hate her.

 

But Lena deserved better.

 

She deserved the sun and stars. And someone to wake up to every moment who said; yes, I’m the one you’ve been looking for. I vow to be with you through any form of sickness, To matter what that entails. I will be here for you, even when you don’t want me to. I will be the net to catch you when you fall. The person who believes in you, when you don’t even believe in yourself.

 

And for a moment, Kara felt profoundly guilty,

 

Until she remembered, in any relationship, the other person had to be willing to offer that too.

 

“Thank you, for the drink and the conversation.”

 

“What, you’re going?”

 

“Yeah... It was truly an… experience.”

 

* * *

 

“Why did I let you talk me into this?” Kara said nervously, as she paced back and forth.

 

Sebastian was unfazed by her attitude and simply gave her a smile.

 

“Because it’s for a great cause, and it’s good promotion for your book.”

 

The blonde gave him a wide-eyed look.

 

“My book isn’t even finished yet!”

 

The man shrugged.

 

“So? It’s pre-promotion. Plus, you always say you want to help people.”

 

It was true, but the words didn’t settle the blonde’s stomach.

 

“There’s a reason I’m a writer and not a public speaker. I’m not good at it.”

 

The editor rolled his eyes.

 

“It’s a room full of kids, Kara.”

 

The woman laughed disparagingly.

 

“First of all, they’re teenagers. Teenagers are scary as hell.”

 

The man gave her a dead-eyed stare.

 

“There at a community centre, Kara,” he said bluntly.

 

The woman nodded.

 

“Even more reason to be terrified.”

 

The man walked over to her and placed his hands on Kara’s shoulder’s, looking calmly into her eyes.

 

“Kara, you’ve got this. Take a deep breath.”

 

She did as directed and, surprisingly, her heat did start to calm. Kara closed her eyes briefly, before opening them with a determined grin.

 

“Ok, let’s do this.”

 

The pair walked towards the wings of the stage, and Sebastian gave the presenter a nod. The woman nodded back, before walking to the podium and began to speak.

 

“Hey kids, let’s quiet down. So as you know, as part of our health course, we are bringing in various people to talk about mental health. Some of them will be doctor’s, some therapist and some people who suffer from mental illness. Today, our speaker is Kara Danvers. After years of unknowingly suffering from bipolar disorder, Kara had a mental snap. In her own words, she spiralled down to rock bottom and she hit hard. But, she’s turned her life around and come out the other side. She’s currently writing a book, and through her work of fiction hopes to shed light on the difficulties that people suffering from mental health disorders face every day. Please welcome, Kara Danvers.”

 

There was a louder applause than Kara was expecting, so she steeled her spine and walked out onto the stage. The gym was packed, far more kids than Kara was expecting turned up as well as a fair few adults. She reached the podium and gripped onto it with a shaky breath and gave all the eyes on her a nervous smile.

 

“You’ll have to forgive me, the most public speaking experience I’ve had has been at group therapy.”

 

The was a ripple of laughter that ran through the crowd which increased Kara’s confidence and her smile became wider. Her eyes ran over the crowd, focusing particularly on the younger kids. Sebastian had told her that there were kids in the crowd who were here after learning that they themselves suffered from mental illness. 

 

Looking at all the group now, she could honestly say that she would never be able to pick them out of the crowd.

 

“In a crowd, this large, the likelihood of at least a quarter of you suffering from mental illness is extremely high. In fact, recent figures suggest that among you kids the chances are even higher that you will suffer from a mental health disorder in your life and some even before you graduate from high school.”

 

Kara’s eyes settled on one of the boys, who gave her an encouraging smile that made her smile in return.

 

“I guess I’m talking about this, and the reason this conversation is so important to continue having is that when I was growing up, there wasn’t much talk about mental health. Education on the subject was sparse, and when it was discussed the main focus was on depression and anxiety, often leaving the whole host of other mental health disorders out completely. As it turns out, those conversations left the subject of bipolar out completely which I now know, I suffer from.”

 

She watched the room carefully.

 

“You can do everything right in your life, you can do everything wrong. Rich or poor and no matter where you live in the world, it doesn’t matter. Because mental illness doesn’t discriminate.”

 

* * *

 

“Excuse me… Ms Danvers?”

 

They had reached the end of her speech, where the crowd was able to ask questions. 

 

The blonde smiled at the speaker, who was clutching her microphone nervously.

 

“Hi there, you can call me Kara you know. Everything else sounds like I’m a teacher.”

 

The girl smiled nervously.

 

“Kara then… I was just wondering, do you think that therapy helped you?” She asked hesitantly.

 

The blue-eyed woman nodded.

 

“Absolutely, in my case therapy was very beneficial. But it’s so important that you find the right therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist whatever, to suit you. It has to be a partnership to get better and if you aren’t comfortable with whoever you’re seeing it’s only going to hinder the process.”

 

Another girl spoke next.

 

“What do you do, when you think a friend of yours might be in trouble?”

 

Kara took a breath before responding with an understanding smile.

 

“Well, there’s no easy answer for that… I guess, you just have to be there for them as much as you can be. Let them know, they aren’t alone. Let them know, and help them if they want that, about resources that are created for things just like this. Educate yourselves, so you’re better able to see the signs. Education is so important, to battle stigma and to get people the right help.”

 

Next, a father at the back of the room rose to ask a question.

 

“My daughter is.. struggling right now. I’ve been to the doctor, and he’s written her a prescription for anti-depressants but they only seem to be making her worse.”

 

“How long was the appointment?” Kara asked bluntly.

 

“I’m sorry?” The man said with a confused face.

 

She repeated herself.

 

“How long was the appointment, when her doctor gave her a prescription.”

 

He frowned.

 

“At most, ten minutes.”

 

“Did he refer you to anyone else? A psychologist, a psychiatrist?”

 

“No.”

 

She nodded in thought, before replying.

 

“Ok, well I’m not an expert, but I would highly recommend that you push further. Get your daughter in to see someone more specialised, someone, who is going to listen to your daughter for longer than it takes to write on a piece of paper. Sometimes, some doctors, just want to funnel people in and out of their offices as fast as possible. But don’t be afraid to ask further questions yourself.”

 

Finally, a tall and lanky boy at the front of the room, the one who smiled at her during the start of her speech spoke up.

 

“Ms Danvers? What if, you have a friend who you can see in spiralling down. But no matter what you try to do to help them, they push you away. How do you…”

 

The words rang through the room, and Kara’s heart warmed in understanding. Her thoughts drifted to Lena, and the same question she had been asking herself for the past three months. The woman hesitated, before something locked into place.

 

“It’s a terrible thing, to see someone falling apart. And when you try to offer help they reject it, and sometimes reject you. The most important thing to know is that it is not your fault, all right? And sometimes, if they say things to push you away... even things that really hurt you, they probably don’t mean it. They’re just feeling lost and scared, and they’re afraid of help. They’re afraid that the rug is going to pull out from under them. Some people, in their darkest moments, just believe deep within themselves that the only person they can trust is themselves. As paradoxical as it sounds, they are probably pushing you away because they think they are only going to hurt you more if you stay by their side.”

 

The boy seemed to be ready to fall apart, and the girl he was sitting next to gave him an encouraging pat on his arm.

 

“I don’t know what to do anymore to help him,” he said in a cracked whisper.

 

Kara felt ready to cry herself, to jump off the podium and sweep the boy into her arms, Tell him that she didn’t know what to do either.

 

“Be there for him. If he really means that much to you, you just need to be there for him. Silently maybe, but you’re still there and hopefully he’ll see that. And if you really see that he is becoming a danger to himself, tell someone. Tell your school, your parents, tell someone. Don’t be afraid to tell someone.”

 

* * *

 

_“Hello?”_

 

Kara smiled at the man’s voice.

 

“Hey, Clark. It’s me.”

 

_“Kara! How have you been?”_

 

The blonde laughed at the enthusiasm in the man’s voice.

 

“I handed in my final chapter today.”

 

The man clapped on the other end of the line.

 

_“Wow, congratulations! That’s amazing. You’ve written so fast, it’s hard to keep up.”_

 

She shrugged.

 

“Well, I’ve had a lot of time to focus on it. When I haven’t been with Barry, I’ve just been writing, writing, writing.”

 

_“Do you even sleep?”_ He said, sarcastically.

 

“Don’t kid, Clark. I know for a fact how much you can paint in a week.”

 

The man laughed again/

 

_“Well, I’m schizophrenic. I’m allowed to be obsessive. You bipolar’s just want to cash in on the mental health wagon.”_

 

Kara gapped.

 

“…Did you just make a joke? About your mental health?”

 

_“Come on Kara. I think I’ve reached that point in my recovery where I can joke about some things.”_

 

The blue-eyed woman rolled her eyes fondly.

 

“Well, that’s morbidly good I guess?”

 

There was a pause before Clark let out a sight and spoke in a gentle voice.

 

_“Come on, Kara. Tell me what you really want to ask me.”_

 

The blonde tensed.

 

“I don’t want to ask you anything!”

 

_“…sure.”_

 

She winced, before speaking.

 

“I just-“

 

_“You want to know if I’ve talked to Lena.”_

 

A fierce silence descended, standoff ensued.

 

“Have you talked to her?” She finally said.

 

_“Kara… it’s been three months now.”_

 

“…that doesn’t answer my question.”

 

He waited a few seconds, before replying calmly.

 

_“I tried calling her last week, and the week before that… Sometimes you’ve just got to accept that people… need to let go in order to focus on getting where they need to go.”_

 

“I’m not… I just want to know that she’s ok.”

 

_“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”_

 

“I….”

 

_“Remember who you are, and who you want to be. Indecisiveness doesn’t suit you. It isn’t you. Decide what you want and go for it.”_

 

Before the blonde could reply, Clark hung up the phone. Kara was taken aback and moved her mobile so she could stare down at it in shock. The blue-eyed woman was convinced that Clark’s gesture was the rudest thing he’d ever done. 

 

She dropped her phone on the bench and let out a groan. The man’s words had done nothing to settle the mixed box of emotion she was keeping left lock up in the corner of her mind. In fact, it had started to shake.

 

Barry, seeming to sense her distress, wandered up to her and leant against her leg. Kara ran her hand and ruffled his ears, his presence already relaxing her. Barry was easily the best thing she could have done for herself in a long time. He was a comforting presence, a listening ear and someone to fill up the empty hole left in her heart. 

 

“You’re a really good boy, you know that right? I think you’re the thing that has stopped me spiralling down a rabbit hole.”

 

He turned his soulful eyes up to look at her, and she let out a sigh.

 

“You, know,” she said with regret. “I think Lena would have really liked you. I think you would have liked her.”

 

Barry let out a huff, and collapsed at her feet, rolling on his back for a belly scratch. She grinned at that and happily complied with enthusiasm until his back legs kicked helplessly in the air on reflex. 

 

“What do you think, boy?” She said with a laugh. “Do you think I’m being pathetic?”

 

The dog rolled back onto his feet and gave her face a long lick, the made her laugh even louder. 

 

“Is that a yes? Or a no? I can never tell with you.”

 

She got up with a groan and felt a sudden itch to distract herself. Kara decided to unpack the last lingering boxes she still had stacked in the closet, something she’d been putting off ever since she’d moved in. The blonde opened the lid of the first box and looked down at the stack of papers she had in it with a heavy heart. The blue-eyed woman hadn’t had the heart to throw out the dozens of poems, and letters and short stories she had pertaining to Lena. How could she, when they still felt like a large part of her life. A large part of her. 

 

Sometimes she felt like Lena was probably right. That they had bonded in shared pain, that their recovery was entwined together. Maybe that’s the reason it hurt so much now that they weren’t together anymore.

 

Or, it was because she was still madly in love with her. 

 

Clark’s words lingered in the back if her head.

 

Stop being so indecisive, Kara.

 

But what did she want? More to the point, what didn’t she want?

 

She didn’t want to be the one to go begging for crumbs, demanding and pleading for Lena to take her back. Especially considering that she was the one to throw her out. For her own sake, she couldn’t do that. Maybe once, but Kara had far too much self-respect these days. But, it was for Lena too. She had to be the one to make that choice. 

 

But if she did come back… if she did, would the blonde want to forgive her? Lena had hurt her. Deeply. As terrible as Lena was spiralling it didn’t make what she did hurt any less. It didn’t take away the sting of what she said, even if it explained the reason why. 

 

Still, that didn’t stop Lena being in her dreams every night. 

 

At the end of the fourth box, she finally reached a package that she frowned at it. As her fingers traced over the newspaper wrapping she remembered that this was the painting Clark had given her when she left Krypton.

 

_“No. Don’t open it now. It’s for when you’re feeling…. If you ever feel like you can’t take it anymore. When everything is becoming too much. Open it then.”_

 

Funny, she’d almost forgotten about his words. When everything is becoming too much… 

 

Well, she thought back to that day. How happy and scared and elated and lonely she felt at the same time. Leaving the place she had grown to love, and the people she had grown to love. Leaving Lena behind with the swing of a door. Maybe their’s romance was only meant to be a brief flash in the pan. A mayfly, that could only exist for a short while. But back then, she had been so certain they were meant to be. Kara knew that Lena had too. All that time, building themselves back up into the people they wanted to be only for it all the fall apart.

 

As much as some nights she wanted it not to be real, to merely be something her fucked up brain had clung onto as a lifeline, she couldn’t deny the truth. That would they had, or continue to have or… who honestly knew what the hell was going on. 

 

Lucy may call it denial… Kara just called it disbelief.

 

Her fingers found the edge of the wrapping, but she hesitated. Kara was scared now, what this painting would mean for her. If it was the right time to open it at all. If she deserved what was inside. Whatever it was, she knew it would mean something to her. 

 

Clark’s paintings always did that.

 

And she wanted to feel.

 

She tore open the package, closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she opened her eyes to start down at the painting.

 

Her mouth dropped slightly at the sight. 

 

It was different for Clark, his use of colour had almost been inverted. She was sitting behind Lena, her arms wrapped around her as they stared out over the lake at Krypton. She looked happy, a far cry from the grim expression she had a tendency to wear sometimes when her thoughts drifted. 

 

And Lena… it was almost as if the glow she had lifted completely off the canvas and straight into the blonde’s heart. The lake and sunset were darker colours than normal, the two woman clearly meant to be the centre of focus in every sense of the word. As Kara studied it closer, while she was laughing and staring out over the lake, Lena actually had her head turned slightly.

 

And was staring directly at her.

 

Tears welled in Kara’s eyes at how magnificently Clark had managed to capture them both. Looking at herself in the paint, it was as if she was seeing the best version of who she wanted to be. And looking at Lena, made her heartbreak at the how much she had achieved since she had arrived at Krypton. 

 

And how much she seemed to struggle now.

 

At the bottom of the painting, a single scrawled title.

 

_Love_

 

“Oh, Clark, you colossal romantic,” Kara whispered as her fingers hovered over the word.

 

But he was right, of course. It was love. It was a real love. 

 

The memories of Lena seemed to wash over her in that instant.

 

First seeing her, walk into that group therapy meeting. How broken she looked, and how determined Kara had been to make her smile. Giving her a tour, using all her bad lines on her… The library, holding hands.

 

The lake.

 

Learning about each other. Kara telling Lena about what she had done to be committed. Lena telling Kara how she had tried to kill herself. 

 

Holding her knee underneath the table. Lena crying at her door.

 

Kissing her again and again and again.

 

Kara's birthday, paper chains in the hallways. Writing her poems and poems and poems. So many words, dedicated to Lena. Leaving her, as she left into the light. Finding her on her doorstep.

 

The blonde turned the painting over, to find that Clark had also written something else on the other side. 

 

_“When you first came, life had broken your mind… now make sure you never let it break your heart.”_

 

Just like that, her soul shattered and healed all at once.

 

She was left standing wordlessly, for once in her life completely unsure what to think, when Barry’s bark broke through her reverie. Kara refocused on the world around her, and heard the next knock that made her dog bark once again. The blonde quickly wiped the tears form her eyes and walked towards the door, placing the painting down on the couch as she passed. 

 

Barry was snuffling at the door, his tail waving madly and Kara struggled to push him away.

 

“Barry, you need to move your butt you big doofus,” she said with a smile before finally managing to pull the door wide, one of her hands holding her dog’s collar to keep him back. She began to speak, still focusing on keeping her dog from lunging whoever had knocked.

 

“Don’t worry about him. Barry’s more likely to lick you to death than to…..”

 

Her breath caught, and Kara was left wondering if the universe either had the worst timing on the planet or the best. The blonde’s tongue seemed to swell in her mouth, and she was unable to conjure up any words as her face drained of colour.

 

Lena was standing in front of her, looking as sickly as she had on TV and definitely underweight. But, she looked oddly liberated. And the fog that she had been carrying around with her since she left the hospital seemed to have cleared slightly. The brunette was watching her, also silently, the quiet only being shattered when Barry managed to pull away from Kara’s grip and jump up on Lena toppling her over.

 

All the colour returned to the blue-eyed woman’s face at once, and she was left spluttering in mortified embarrassment as she struggled to pull her huge dog off Lena as he enthusiastically licked her face.

 

“Oh my God, I am so sorry. Barry! Get off her!”

 

Lena made a grudging sound, and for one ridiculous heart stopping the second Kara thought her air supply had been cut off. It was only when the writer was finally able to pull her dog back and push him back inside her apartment that she realised Lena wasn’t dying, but letting out a choked laugh.

 

The laugh, turned breathless quickly even as the brunette stared up at the ceiling and pretty quickly, the breathlessness turned into sobs.

 

Kara hovered, uncertain as to what she should do even as her the CEO seemed to be having an emotional breakdown, flat on her back in the blonde’s apartment hallway.

 

Finally, she made the decision to kneel down next to the other woman and placed a hand on her shaking shoulder.

 

“Lena…” she said, uncertainty in her voice.

 

The brunette, eyes rimmed red with tears, focus on her face and gave a hiccoughing sob before speaking in a hoarse voice.

 

“Ever time I knock on your door, it always leads to an interesting result,” Lena said.

 

Kara tilted her head, her mind remembering the last time Lena had knocked on her door, face full of tears. And the more recent, happy time, when she had surprised her by leaving the hospital.

 

“It’s not always bad results though,” the blonde replied softly.

 

Lena clutched at Kara’s hand and held it tightly.

 

“I hope not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, that was a lot. So the next chapter will deal with Lena's perspective on the three months apart, just to clue you guys in. Let me know what you thought!


	29. You Cannot Love A Thing Without Wanting To Fight For It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well if you thought the last chapter was big... Whew, this one was a doozy. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought! I hope you all appreciate how much favouritism I'm showing to the fic right now... I've been languishing over my poor chapter for my other fic for three weeks now and it's still not ready...
> 
> Anway! Final stretch now! Nearly done! WoOooOOOOoooooOhHhhhhHHooooOOOooOOooO!

Lena had forgotten what it was like to be alone. She used to be good at it, once upon a time. It had been familiar and comforting. 

 

And she still liked her space… she just didn’t like this much space.

 

If she’d felt unsettled staying in her apartment before, it had nothing on what she felt about the place now. The unnerving silence and loneliness of the walls surrounding her. And no contact from Kara.

 

She’d had phone calls from Maggie and Clark. Leaving her messages that she listened to once before deleting. But Kara’s name never came up. The brunette’s finger would sometimes hover over the contact button, but she didn’t have the nerve to press it. A war was raging inside her head, and it was all she could do to push it down and focus on her job. The one good thing about the numerous problems being thrown her way was that they were distracting.

 

Until she was alone. 

 

All alone, and all by choice.

 

* * *

 

Lena was drinking again, and she wasn’t thinking about it. No, she was thinking about other things today. Work things. While she pushed down everything that was jumbled up inside into a cage. A cage of things she knew she could handle now. Things she was strong enough to handle because now she had learned to be strong. Now that she had the skills to be strong. All she needed to do was focus. If she was focused she could beat it. It was ok, she was still taking her medication. She was trying to sleep better and she was leaving work at an earlier hour. Lena was focused. 

 

But today….

 

Her eyes had been fixated on that spot on the living room floor all week. Every time she was in this room, they just slipped back to that spot. Like she couldn’t help it. And today was the worst of all because today marked a year exactly.

 

And as Lena’s eyes zoomed in on the post, and the alcohol flowed through her body she could swear her scars began to burn. 

 

She put down her tumbler on the on the bench and slipped off her chair before walking towards the living room, stumbling slightly over her feet. The brunette fumbled for the edge of the carpet she had laid down and flipped in back clumsily. Lena stared down at the dark stain that only she could see, before kneeling on the floor and tracing her fingers over it.

 

A year exactly since she sliced upon her own arms with her own knife in her own apartment. 

 

A year exactly when she felt completely lost in the world.

 

A year exactly since a delivery girl decided to check on her.

 

And now… she was just as fucked up as she had ever been.

 

Except now she was also officially a year older. 

 

Nobody knew that today was her real birthday, except Kara. Except that even Kara didn’t know the actual date, only that today was the day she tried to end her life. Lena remembered how vulnerable she had felt when she told Kara that, on the blonde’s birthday in fact. 

 

_“If I had the chance to make everything terrible that you had experienced in your life go away. Your depression, your family, your suicide attempt… I don’t know if I could do it. Because it would mean I would never have gotten to meet you. And now that I know, a love like this is possible… how could I be selfless enough to give it away?”_

 

No…. Lena thought bitterly… I was just selfish enough to fuck everything up. And smart enough to realise that it was stupid to think she wouldn’t change things about herself. Stupid to expect anything better for her life, when in reality Lena had to let Kara go to pursue her own path.

 

Far, far away from the consuming road, the brunette was taking.

 

But she wasn’t going to think about that.

 

Her mind refocused on the stain again, and she stared at it broodily before her mind filled with a wave of self-disgust. It surprised her, she hadn't felt that feeling in….

 

Since this morning when she found a t-shirt Kara left behind in the single month they’d been together since she left Krypton. If she was being honest, apart from the first few days… the rest of the month had been shit. Expect in the first ten seconds when she saw Kara’s face in the morning. Watching the other woman sleep. 

 

The blonde keeping her promise, making her scream out her name when-

 

No, she wasn’t going to think about that.

 

Instead, she was going to think about the day she tried to kill herself.

 

No… she didn’t want to find about that either.

 

She frowned down at the spot on her floor again, before standing unsteadily to her feet and walking in the direction of her library. Memories of her final days before her last birthday, surrounded by her favourite things in the whole world flashed through her mind. Books would always be her friend, and she would always be able to trust them.

 

There was a section of her books, that she had been avoiding for quite some time now. Her favourites, the ones that had been closest to her when she made her attempt and the ones’ that ended up literally stained red. 

 

Maybe a less morbid person would have thrown them away. Mind you, a less morbid person would never have gone back to live in the apartment that she had tried to-

 

No. No. Those thoughts stay where they’re supposed to. Deep, deep down.

 

Her fingers skimmed lightly over the red spotted books, hovering only stopping once she was over the final in the shelf. 

 

Great Expectations.

 

The final book she had read before she… 

 

Her favourite book.

 

Lena pulled out the book gently a cracked it open, skimming through it lightly to find that the stains were non-existent. Expect for what looked like a single drop on the cover page.

 

How poetic, she thought sarcastically.

 

The CEO rubbed over the title letters and had an immediate urge to read the book once more, though her more sober side was screaming at her.

 

What kind of a moron would re-read the book that she last read before she attempted suicide, on the fucking anniversary of the day she had tried to commit fucking suicide!

 

Maybe sober her had a point there.

 

* * *

 

Lena’s throbbing hangover diminished significantly the second she walked into the National City Public Library. In all her years living here, and even with her fascination with books, the brunette had never been here. In her childhood, it had never seemed necessary given the magnitude of the Luthor Family Library (not that Lillian would be caught dead letting her children be seen in a place like this.)

 

In the CEO’s mind though, walking into the library was like walking into Disneyland. It wasn’t a grand place filled with creaking wooden staircases and dusty smelling books, but it felt real. And even in the few seconds since she walked in, the people browsing the shelves felt like her people. 

 

“Excuse me, miss. Can I help you with anything? You look a bit lost.”

 

Lena snapped out of her childlike wonder to turn to the friendly looking librarian who had asked her a question with a smile. As always, a small part of her breathed out in relaxation that the man didn’t recognise her. One of the reasons she avoided public places was still because of the lingering fear that people would literally spit in her face like after Lex’s death.

 

Though these days she wouldn’t blame them spitting in her face, her mind lingering on the hospital closure she had approved.

 

Her head suddenly stabbed in pain.

 

“Oh no I’m fine, thank you,” she said with a forced smile. “I just… I’ve never been here before. Which is odd, considering how much I like books.”

 

The man’s grin broadened to match the one Lena had worn five minutes ago.

 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I’ve always thought that libraries are the best places in the world.”

 

The brunette’s smile became easier.

 

“I agree,” she whispered back before giving him a final smile and walking off, the book she had brought with her still clutched in her hands.

 

She wandered the stacks aimlessly for a few minutes, admiring the selection of books with a critical eye before she spotted a cushy nook in the corner of the library which was empty and full of several comfy chairs.

 

An image of her and Kara sitting on the same couch in Krypton flashed through her mind before she beat it over the head with a stick and left it in the corner of her mind bleeding to death. 

 

This was not the time or the place to be having those thoughts.

 

She shook her head, before making her way over and picking out the comfiest chair she could find and settling in. Lena cracked open her book with a sigh, her fingers once again darting over the title, before starting to read. After several minutes, and halfway through the first chapter, the corner of her eye picked up movement on the chair opposite her.

 

Lena looked up from her book with a start to find a young boy perched on the edge of his chair, legs swinging while he watched her. Her eyes darted around for a sign of a parent but found none. The CEO turned back to the boy with an uncertain look, unsure exactly how to proceed in this situation.

 

“Uh…hello?” She said awkwardly with a smile, that she thought must resemble a scary clown.

 

The boy seemed unbothered and beamed at her happily.

 

“Hi!” He exclaimed.

 

Lena’s head tilted slightly at the sound of his voice, and her eyes narrowed while she observed his features closely. Something stirred at the corner of her mind, and for a minute she could have sworn she knew the by from somewhere. The thought drifted away when her concern rose at his parentless status.

 

“Are you ok?” She asked.

 

The boy didn’t answer, instead to kick himself off his seat and walk towards her. He stood at her elbow and craned his head to look at the book in her hand.

 

“What are you reading?” He asked curiously.

 

“A book.”

 

He rolled his eyes at her answer, and once again she was struck by the familiar gesture.

 

“Yeah, but what kind of book,” he asked in an annoyed voice.

 

She smiled at his attitude.

 

“It’s called Great Expectations.”

 

He tilted his head and gave her a serious look.

 

“Is it good?”

 

She nodded.

 

“Yeah, it’s pretty good.”

 

He didn’t reply, instead he stared at the page she had open with an intense expression. Lena’s awkwardness grew, and she began to look around frantically.

 

“Look, are you lost? Do you need help finding your mother or father?”

 

He shook his head and grinned up at her.

 

“No. I know where she is,” he said cheekily.

 

Lena’s lips twitched into a smirk, but she surpassed the urge.

 

“Uh, don’t you think she’ll be worrying where you are?” She said instead with a raised eyebrow.

 

The boy never got a chance to respond, instead, a worried voice interrupted them. Lena’s eyes turned to see a worried looking young woman walking towards the pair.

 

“William! There you are! Oh my God, what have I told you about wandering off? I’m so sorry if he was bothering you,” she said with an apologetic look to Lena.

 

The CEO smiled at that and shook her head.

 

“Not at all, he just wanted to know what I was reading.”

 

The boy looked annoyed that his mother had hijacked the conversation, but the woman just smiled at him knowingly.

 

“Sometimes I take him with me to study, he’s usually ok with it as long as I managed to give him five million books to read. Except now he thinks that all the children’s books are boring, so he wants to read big people books,” she said with a laugh.

 

“I’m learning to read properly now,” William interrupted with a pout.

 

The mother rolled her eyes at him.

 

“That’s right, you are learning to read but that doesn’t mean you can go wandering off looking for books,” she said, giving him a stern look.

 

The boy crossed his arm, and Lena smiled at the adult gesture.

 

“That’s what everyone else does!” He said indignantly.

 

Lena snorted at that, and the boy smiled smugly at the reaction to his behaviour. The mother shook her head in exasperation and smiled once more at Lena.

 

“He’s stubborn, just like me,” she said with a laugh.

 

The brunette nodded, giving William and appreciative look.

 

“It’s a good trait.”

 

The woman laughed at that for a few seconds, before her eyes grew wide and she covered her mouth in shock.

 

“Oh my God, you’re Lena Luthor!” She said stunned.

 

Lena tensed instantly, wondering if she was going to get another slap in a public arena. Or worse, if the mother would pull William away as if she might infect him.

 

“Yes, that’s me,” she said warily.

 

To the green-eyed woman’s surprise, the other woman positively lit up at that and sat down eagerly in the seat next to her.

 

“Wow! I… It’s an honour to meet you. I don’t know if you remember, but a few years ago you gave a speech at my high school. It was about encouraging women to enter STEM?” The woman asked, bring her lower lip as she waited for Lena’s answer avidly.

 

The CEO frowned, rummaging through her memories. She vaguely recalled being required to attend various LutherCorp sponsored events when she still worked in R and D. It was thought to be good promotion on the ground for the Luthor name, and Lex and Lillian certainly weren’t going to do it. Most of the time, she despised being roped into the various events but she’d always had a passion for talking to students.

 

She shook her head with an apologetic look.

 

“I did a lot of those speeches, I’m sorry.”

 

The woman deflated slightly but pressed again with more information.

 

“It was at North Griffith High School?”

 

Lena frowned again, but suddenly a memory floated forth.

 

“Oh yes, wait a minute. Wasn’t you principal a really wizened old man? I seem to recall he wore a purple suit that day.”

 

The woman’s smile returned full force at that.

 

“That’s him!” she said excitedly. "That was my school! I just… the thing was, I had just found out I was pregnant and I was in a pretty bad place I guess. I thought I was just going to be another high school drop out story and that I was going to have to do it all alone, but your speech really inspired me to continue with my studies. You said, ‘every woman will have their struggles in this industry. It is up to all of us to raise each other up so that we can create a better future for ourselves. If this is your passion, don’t-“

 

“Let anything stop you from achieving it. I remember,” Lena said with a smile, remembering.

 

The woman hesitated but gave her a look of awe.

 

“I’m an engineering student now,” she said with feeling. “I’m on the dean’s list! All thanks to you.”

 

Lena was deeply touched but hurried to correct the woman.

 

“You were the one who put in the hard work. It’s all down to you.”

 

The woman’s eyes filled with tears.

 

“I just wanted to say, thank you so much. Without you, I don’t know where I would be right now.”

 

Lena’s own eyes began to leak slightly.

 

“That’s… thank you.” 

 

The woman stood up at that and righted the backpack on her son’s shoulders. The boy, bored with the previous conversation and sensing that they were about to leave rushed away from her hand and stood next to Lena again.

 

“Is it good? Your book? Do you think I could get it out and read it one day?”

 

She smiled at the boy, her hands running over her book fondly.

 

“It’s actually my favourite, so yes, I think it’s very good. It’s a bit advanced for you though, but I’m sure you’ll read it one day.”

 

The boy looked slightly disappointed at her words, and Lena felt a pang of empathy for him. The CEO looked back down at her book, before making a decision and holding it out to him.

 

“Here. For you, when you’re big enough to read it.”

 

William’s face lit up and took the book reverently, before eagerly pulling her into a hug. Lena was surprised by the gesture, but melted into it all the same. She could practically feel the boy’s excitement vibrate out of him and it warmed her heart.

 

“Thank you so much!” He said when he let go.

 

His mother gave her a grateful smile, running her fingers through his hair while he flipped through the book gently.

 

“That was very kind of you, but I would expect nothing less from Lena Luthor!”

 

The CEO’s smile deflated an inch, he thoughts lingering on her recent less kind actions of late.

 

The mother turned away from her, waving goodbye. She had gotten three steps when Lena made a rushed choice and called out after her.

 

"Hey, what’s your name?”

 

The woman turned with a smile.

 

“Samantha. Samantha Clayton.”

 

Something in Lena’s brain clicked at the name, and her eyes darted back to William. Of course, her brain sighed. Understanding washing over her as to why she thought the boy looked familiar. Her old ex-friend Oliver had a fling with a high schooler, she remembered. And the boy looked exactly like him.

 

Small world.

 

She looked at the woman with fresh eyes, before a smile grew on her face. 

 

“Well, Samantha. Once you finish your degree, feel free to give me a call,” she said before digging in her purse for a business card and handing it to the other woman. “It always pays off to have bright women on staff.”

 

Samantha took it with a shaky hand, her eyes filling with tears once more.

 

“Oh, my… thank you so much, Ms Luthor!”

 

The CEO smiled once more.

 

“Please, call me Lena.”

 

The brunette turned from the mother and looked down at the young boy who looked so much like his presumed father.

 

“And William, maybe one day you can tell me what you think of the book.”

 

“Thank you!” He said with another smile.

 

* * *

 

Lena stared at the bottle of whisky resting on the counter with a critical eye as if it was a snake about to bite her if she so much as moved one inch to the left or right. Still, she couldn’t help but let her eyes flicker to the barely healed scratches scattered across her arm. One particular raw and angry.

 

A flicker of despair grew in her chest at the memory of Kara’s face when she had seen her wrapped in bandages. The assumption.

 

The panic.

 

She looked back to the alcohol with a frown before sighing deeply and letting the tension drain slightly from her shoulders.

 

Lena opened the bottle and poured its contents down the sink.

 

* * *

 

“Is there any particular reason you’ve roped me into helping you do this?” Jack said with a groan, rubbing his back as he unpacked a box full of padded dishes.

 

Lena wiped the sweat from her brow and took a deep breath while she moved her couch into place. She gave the man a glare at his halfhearted emptying. 

 

“It’s cathartic, and you’re my friend,” she said stiffly, before picking up another box and unpacking it at ten times Jack’s speed. “It’s also a bonding activity, now that you’re out of the hospital.”

 

The man rolled his eyes.

 

“Lena, you’ve got more money than sense. You can afford movers,” he said with an annoyed grunt.

 

The brunette huffed.

 

“I don’t want movers. I told you already, it’s cathartic for me to do it myself. I’m cutting ties, trying to get a proper fresh start.”

 

The man ground his teeth and folded his arms across his chest.

 

“If you wanted a proper fresh start you’d quit working at that fucking company,” he muttered loudly enough for her to hear.

 

The woman stopped her actions and fixed him with a heavy look.

 

“You mean the company that I own?” Lena replied snakily.

 

The man dropped a plate on the bench, Lena wincing at the sound, before giving her a stern look.

 

“You told me yourself, Lena, that you only own the place by a hair. You have to fight for every single inch, and you’re letting go of projects that mean a lot to you.”

 

Lena’s will wavered before she spoke in a low voice.

 

“It’s complicated, Jack.”

 

He slammed his hand down on the bench.

 

“No, it fucking isn’t,” he said, poking a finger at her chest. “You’re making it complicated. You’ve gone completely nuts since you’ve gotten out. At the moment, you’re my example of what not to do.”

 

She rolled her eyes at her friend.

  
“Well gee, Jack. You’ve really made me feel better about myself,” she responded sarcastically.

 

The bearded man shrugged.

 

“What can I say, you asked Sam for advice on what to do in your life. I mean, are you a genius or what?”

 

“I was just-“

 

He cut her off harshly.

 

“You went to her to get told exactly what you wanted to hear. For Christ's sake, Lena. You think you would’ve spent enough time learning that there are heaps of people who want to help you and support you!”

 

Jack’s face turned sympathetic at her downturned face and he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

 

“Look, I know it’s shit. I haven’t got family either. And your mother is… just the worse. But all the family you’ve made for yourself you just pushed to the side.”

 

She didn’t respond instantly, instead, she stared down at the table intensely before levelling him with a steady look.

 

“I can do this, Jack,” Lena said firmly.

 

Jack sighed and rubbed a hand over his face.

 

“No one ever told you that you couldn’t, dumbass! No one, except yourself. Lena, I get it about that little voice in your head. The one telling you that the people you have in your life only want to hinder you. The thing is, I know that you know better.”

 

She opened her mouth to answer but hesitated again. Lena’s hands began to shake unsteadily and she clenched them together to stop the movement. Finally, she cracked and leant her head against the man’s chest and began to cry. Jack began to gently stroke her hair.

 

“Jack, it’s all so fucked up,” she whispered. "I’m just trying to untangle it all in my head.”

 

He chuckled quietly.

 

“So let me get this straight… You already learned the hard way how difficult this journey is to do by yourself. Why are you trying to do it now?”

 

She looked up at that.

 

“Because now-“

 

He cut her off again.

 

“Because deep down, you’re still ashamed of yourself. Yes, help is important. But in your eyes, mental health help is important only until you get to a point where you should be able to do it by yourself.”

 

His words rang in the air.

 

“Isn’t that the point?” The brunette said weakly.

 

The man shook his head.

 

“Partially maybe, Lena. But it’s also to give you continuing support throughout your life!”

 

She rubbed her head.

 

“I know Jack, I know I’ve been wrong in my actions.”

 

The bearded man stared at her for a full minute before speaking softly.

 

“Why don’t you just call her?”

 

The box in her head shook violently at that, and her inner mind sat on it firmly trying to stop all the thoughts from escaping. Still, a few things managed to escape resulting in tears leaking down her cheeks.

 

“Because I… I was horrible, Jack. I treated her like shit and I said terrible things. I basically told her I was ashamed of her.”

 

“I’m sure she doesn’t think that you’re ashamed of her, Lena,” he said softly.

 

She looked at him with red-rimmed eyes.  


 

“How could she not? I didn’t even want to be seen in public because I was afraid people would connect all the dots and discover about my time in Krypton. People won’t trust a CEO who was in a psychiatric ward,” the CEO said bitterly.

 

He responded dryly.

 

“Is that you? Or is that your mother talking?”

 

The green-eyed woman’s shoulders tensed at the thought but she didn’t answer the man. Finally, he left out a sigh.

 

“Why do you still let her get in her head? She’s done nothing but fuck you up your whole life. Why are you letting her into your head, and kicking Kara out of your heart?“

 

She turned away from the man and walked away.

 

“Just pick up a box, will you?” She said weakly.

 

He followed her steps, standing behind her closely.

 

“You're fucking it up. Like.. royally fucking it up. If nothing else, Kara was the best friend you ever had.”

 

The brunette turned to face him.

 

“I’ve got you!”

 

Jack looked at her with a searching look.

 

“Lena… what is holding you back from apologising?”

 

The brunette hesitated, the box cracking open to let out some of her shame.

 

“Because I’m afraid she won't accept it. I wouldn’t blame her though because I have made it abundantly clear that I don’t deserve her,” she answered, her voice laced with guilt.

 

Jack snorted.

 

“Stop assuming how she feels, Lena. And even if she doesn’t accept it don’t you think she deserves an apology?”

 

She sniffed and wiped her eyes.

 

“I’m scared,” she whispered.

 

Jack placed a hand on her shoulder.

 

“I know you are. It’s ok to be scared,” he said softly.

 

She shook her head, firmly shoving those thoughts back to where they belonged. Lena moved back from his hand and picked up her next box.

 

“Is it selfish, that my mind is clouded? I don’t want to make any sort of move until I’m sure what I want,” she finally said.

 

Jack gave her a disbelieving look.

 

“You don’t want to be with Kara anymore?”

 

Lena stopped her steps, her mind flashing with the thought before she took a shaky breath.

 

“….I don’t want to mess around with her life until I’m sure what I want to do.”

 

Jack grunted.

 

“You should still apologise.”

 

She glared at the man.

 

“Just pick up a fucking box.”

 

* * *

 

“Ah, Princess. Long time, no see. By the way, you still look like shit. I gather you didn’t dump blondie,” Sam said cuttingly.

 

Lena stared at her, trying to keep a blank face but the pain flooding her eyes nonetheless.

 

The other woman grinned widely at that.

 

“Oh no, you did? Well, congratufuckinglations! You’re officially free as a bird.”

 

Lena stared at Sam, hard. She was unsure why she had come back to see her. The morning after she had ended things with Kara, her mind flooded with anger, guilt, regret and self-loathing. Lena swore she would never talk to Sam again. But it was easy to blame Sam for all her problems when in fact, she had done exactly what the patient had accused her of. Lena had gone to see her just to get validation for her own feelings of uncertainty. 

 

And now, she was just trying to understand the truth.

 

“What nothing to say?” Sam asked, interjecting Lena’s thoughts.

 

The green-eyed woman focused on the smug face in front of her, searching the woman’s eyes for something. Anything that catered to her failing hope that there was something redeemable in her. That under all the anger and cynicism there was a beating heart. That everything Kara had said about the other woman wasn’t true. 

 

“I’d like to think there’s something good in you, Sam,” Lena said softly. “But the reality is… I know you better than you think. I didn’t want to face it before…but I do know who you are.”

 

Sam’s face twisted.

 

“That I’m a stone cold bitch who’s been manipulating you all this time?” She said bitterly.

 

But this time, Lena wasn’t letting her get away with her indirect attempts at making the CEO into the bad guy for having unsettling thoughts about Sam. Her eyes narrowed, and she gave Sam a discerning look.

 

“I could’ve looked it up,” she said simply. “The reason why you’re in here.” 

 

Sam’s face morphed into a calculating expression. 

 

“Then why didn’t you?”

 

Lena shook her head at the fact that Sam didn’t get the why of it. Why that would’ve been wrong, because if she was in Lena’s shoes that would have been the first thing she would have done.

 

“Because that would be wrong. Because Kara stopped me”

 

Sam snorted and wore an expression filled with disdain.

 

“So the puppy has some manners after all, unlike you coming here demanding it from me?”

 

Lena’s face became hot and angry at Sam’s baiting. 

 

"Because I finally see the truth. And I do know you, Sam. Sometimes I thought I was you. Maybe the reason I so desperately wanted there to be good in you, was because I thought I saw myself in you. But know I think the only reason you got close to me is that you wanted something. Be fucking honest for once in your life, and if you want something from me. So tell me, why are you in here.”

 

The other woman stared at her for a few long minutes in silence, before her eyes finally darted downwards at the table.

 

“And how will that get what I want?” Sam asked softly.

 

“Because if you don’t tell me, you won’t have a chance at all,” Lena replied, equally gentle.

 

Sam was obviously gathering her thoughts, and her expression drifted between many different emotions. Finally, she took a deep breath and turned back to face Lena.

 

“I was kicked out of home when I was sixteen. I was pregnant with Ruby and the father was… well, let’s just say if you think I’m bad… But, we stayed together for a bit. He didn’t want to be a father though. He wanted me to have an abortion, but it wasn’t what I wanted. His family wasn’t happy with our relationship, but they were old money,” Sam said bitterly.

 

“And the mother, that old crone, treated her precious son like a god. In her eyes, even though he did all the same shit as me, I was the bad influence that had taken advantage of him. So while he got sent off the Harvard like a prince, I was set up in an apartment far far away. I had Ruby, and regular checks but… they were conditional on certain standards. Standards that I had no interest in keeping. So we were cut off… And when I say that, I broke contact and disappeared.”

 

Sam’s eyes became thunderous.

 

“The mother wanted to interfere in my life and Ruby’s far too much. No interest in actually seeing her granddaughter, but she still had to go to all the right schools. She had to be baptised, even though the idea of a magic man in the sky is heinous to me. So I took Ruby and left. They left us alone mostly, and we got by ok.”

 

The woman counted her speech, looking through Lena as if she wasn't there.

 

“I had different jobs, and life took certain turns. But we had each other. Then, her father decided that he wanted shared custody. He’d gotten engaged and for some reason, that made him realise he wanted to be involved in his daughter’s life. Tristan found us, but I refused to let him see her. His family is loaded though, remember? He won the right to full custody proving that I was an unfit mother.” 

 

Lena’s heart grew pained, even as her mind was clouded in opposing opinions.

 

“I had a series of misdemeanour charges at that point and a few… other things. So I ran again with Ruby. Before he could take her from me. It didn’t work of course, and he came for her anyway. Idiot came by himself though. Things got out of hand, and I may have stabbed him. In front of Ruby.” 

 

The brunette’s mouth gapped slightly at that, and finally, Sam seemed to focus on her expression.

 

“Of course then the whole thing spiralled from then. I’m not a violent person, usually. Emotionally can be debated, but at least not physically anyway. I was assessed, then labelled with a mental illness and thrown in here. Paid for, of course, by ‘the family’. I can’t breathe for the irony,” she said sarcastically and with a roll of her eyes before letting out a sigh.

 

“I don’t regret much about my life. And I’m glad that Ruby knows that her mother wanted to fight for both of us. But she was there that day when I….”

 

Sam drifted off with her words.

 

“I don’t get to see her. Legally, I’m not allowed right now. I can write to her though, as long as the letters are read before they get sent out. And I get one phone call a week, supervised again.”

 

She turned to look at Lena as she finished the story. Lena didn’t know what to say though as she absorbed the entirety of the other woman’s tale. The patient finally let out a bitter laugh at Lena’s silence.

 

“See, this is why I don’t tell people. Really does nothing for the mood.”

 

Lena cleared her throat.

 

“It’s.. one hell of a story.”

 

Sam snorted.

 

“You say that like you don’t believe it.”

 

The brunette grimaced, because it was true.

  
“Well, who knows with you.”

 

The patient locked eyes with her.

 

“I’ve never lied to you. That’s the truth.”

 

The CEO’s eyes hardened.

 

“You manipulate me. You manipulate people. You want to cause people the maximum amount of pain that you possibly can.”

 

The other woman didn’t respond, but Lena’s heart melted regardless.

 

“But in your own way… I do believe you love your daughter.”

 

Sam stared at her for a minute, and an emotion resembling gratefulness crossed her face briefly before she spoke in a quiet voice.

 

“Ruby is the only tether I have left to anything. I’m never getting out of here, I know that. His fucking family will never let me out of here and as far as actually getting to see her goes… Well, that’s hardly likely to happen either.” 

 

Lena waited for the punchline.

 

“And what do you want from me?” She said warily.

 

The other woman gave her a piercing look.

 

“I want Ruby to be looked after. That’s all. That’s it. My daughter needs to be looked after.”

 

The green-eyed woman frowned.

 

“You don’t think she is now?”

 

Sam grimaced.

 

“All I know is, I wouldn’t trust Tristan’s mother as far as I could kick her. And he’s a slimeball with the spine of a jellyfish. She’ll get her hooks in deep and will turn her against me. More to the point, she’ll brainwash her against the ways of the world.”

 

Lena’s eyebrows twitched.

 

“And what has this got to do with me?”

 

The other woman’s eyes became bitter and cold.

 

“You understand what it’s like to be in her shoes. Adopted by a stone-cold bitch who’s always believed you were the shit beneath her feet. And now I’m suddenly supposed to believe she'll welcome her with open arms? No, you get that shit. You’ll understand that she needs to be looked after. You’ve got the money to do it. Tristan is just an Upper East Sids wannabe compared to you. You’re a fucking Luthor.”

 

The words troubled Lena, but the reach of her family name was extensive.

 

“What do you get out of this?”

 

Sam shrugged.

 

“I know my kid is in a better place. And maybe I get a chance to actually see her.”

 

The CEO didn’t respond straight away, every interaction she’d ever had with Sam playing through her mind on a repeating reel. Trying to piece together everything she knew about the other woman.

 

“That’s why you wanted me to like you then?”

 

Sam nodded, and Lena smiled.

 

“Well, I can think of worse reasons to fuck around with a person’s head.”

 

Sam grimaced.

 

“I wasn’t just fucking around with your head… I really can’t stand Kara.”

 

Lena frowned.

 

“Why? And not the usual bullshit. Why don’t you like her?”

 

The other woman glared at her, her eyes indicating that the answer to the question should be obvious.

 

“She’s fucked in the head, so what? Everyone is fucked up. We’ve all seen shit, especially in here. She likes to swan around as if she is the epitome of a success story. As if it’s all up from fucking here. She had hope though, didn’t she? They were all rooting for her. She’s got all the support in the world. Family, friends… and that god damn sunny disposition.” 

 

Sam’s lip curled in disdain.

 

“The puppy has the whole world of possibility at her feet. Not just job wise, though I heard through the grapevine about that book deal. Everyone loves her. Even you, who’s more like me than she thinks, you fucking love her. But me and you, we’ve got that cynical streak embedded deep in our bones.” 

 

The words rang uncomfortably true in Lena’s mind. A sickening feeling of unease grew in in her stomach at the words. 

 

“We get the truth of life. It’s what you take and make for yourself. We’ve seen the darkness in people and the darkness in ourselves and we just fucking get it. Kara likes to pretend she gets it, but she’ll never really understand that. It’s a different kind of pain when your family can’t even stand the sight of you.”

 

Sam watched her closely, reading her reaction which Lena didn’t make an effort to hide the pain her words had caused. The CEO knew what she said was true and that was what scared her the most. 

 

“So you were looking out for me?” She said in a tight voice.

 

The other woman snorted.

 

“Please, you would’ve seen right through her eventually. I just saved you time.”

 

A flash of rage flashed through Lena’s mind as she watched the other woman. It bubbled in her head for a second until it slipped from her mind like water. She sighed heavily before fixing Sam with a tired smile. 

 

“You’re not who I want to be, Sam. So angry at the world, and indifferent to the choices you made that lead you here. So Kara’s pain isn’t the same as mine or yours. The fact is, everyone’s trauma is different. You don’t get to decide if people’s scars are as valid as yours. Just because you don’t identify with her darkness, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. And just because you’ve never experienced the type of light she has inside of her, it doesn’t mean she’s fake. The reason people love her, is because Kara has never tried to hold people at her standard.”

 

The other woman didn’t blink for a minute, and then finally shrugged off her words with a head shake and an amused smile.

 

“God, you are obsessed.”

 

Lena nodded, a small and sad smile playing at the corner of her mouth.

 

“Maybe… but I’ve fucked that up. I’ve been on a bit of a self-destructive trend lately but I’m trying to straighten it all out.”

 

Sam narrowed her eyes.

 

“So you came here for what, justification?” She spat.

 

Lena couldn’t help but feel a wave of sadness wash over her. She felt sorry for Sam in that moment, and perhaps she had felt sorry for her al along.

 

“I’m not using you as an excuse of what not to be,” she whispered. 

 

“I just… I’m trying to understand.”

 

The woman pushed her chair back roughly and climbed to her feet.

 

“Well, congratulations… I hope I’ve fucking helped,” she said gruffly, before turning to walk away.

 

Lena ruched to her own feet.

 

“Sam!” She called out after her.

 

The other woman stopped in her movements.

 

“What?” She replied.

 

Lena hesitated, before taking two steps forward.

 

“I’ll look into Ruby. I’m not promising anything at all, for all I know she could be very happy. But I’ll look into it.”

 

She meant it. And for once in the entire time she had known Sam, the other woman gave her a look filled with raw emotion.

 

“Thank you,” she whispered out, before walking off once more.

 

* * *

 

“Ms Luthor?”

 

The CEO looked up from her paperwork with irritation at the interruption but instantly deflated at her assistant’s slightly terrified expression.

 

“Yes?” She asked with a strained smile.

 

The man’s face relaxed slightly.

 

“Maggie Sawyer’s here to see you again? She says she has an appointment this time.”

 

Lena sat back in her seat. For the last two months, Maggie had been trying to see her at least once a week. Every time she came, Lena had refused to see her. Mostly from a lingering sense of shame about her behaviour regarding Kara. Maggie was Alex’s girlfriend, and even though the CEO didn’t doubt that the psychologist would keep the anything she told her between the two of them. It all felt a bit close to home. For the past three months, Lena had been trying to figure out her place in the world outside of Kara, without opening that damn box in her mind. But lately, as the dust began to settle and the stacks of her emotions were pulled out from their hiding places, looked through and placed in the correct spot, that box had gotten bigger. 

 

And the urge to open it had gotten stronger.

 

“Send her up,” she said easily.

 

Her assistant looked at her with shock at the change to her usual policy, even though he knew well that Maggie had no appointment at all. Still, he nodded.

 

The CEO sat back in her chair and let out a nervous breath, before lacing her fingers together while she waited for her ex-psychologist. 

 

Maggie walked into the office and towards Lena with her hand outstretched, an easy smile on her face like no time had passed at all since they had last seen each other. 

 

“I didn’t think you’d agree to see me,” she said, sitting down in the chair opposite the CEO.

 

The brunette was suddenly struck with an image of the last time Maggie and she had sat in an office and had a meeting. Even though technically this was her office, for some reason sitting with Maggie made her feel less like a CEO, and more like a normal person.

 

“Then why did you come?” She finally asked.

 

Maggie raised an eyebrow at Lena.

 

“For the same reason, I’ve been trying to see you for the past two months. I’m worried about you. Everyone is,” she said, giving Lena a contemplative look.

 

The brunette hesitated, before asking her next question softly.

 

“How’s Kara?”

 

Maggie shrugged, giving nothing away.

 

“She’s doing ok.”

 

Lena nodded, allowing the thoughts of the blonde to whirl around her mind. All wide smiles and laughter. The brunette wondered if she really was ok. If she missed her like Lena did. If she hated her and never wanted to hear her name again. Maybe she was really happy… just like she had the right to be. 

 

“How have you been doing?” Maggie suddenly asked, cutting through the CEO’s thoughts like butter.

 

The brunette zoned in on the other woman’s concerned face.

 

“I’m… working through some stuff,” she said quietly.

 

The other woman watched her closely, her face contorting with an unknown emotion and concern. After a minute of study, the psychologist spoke once more. 

 

“Lena… do you think that maybe you want to go back to Krypton?”

 

The CEO blinked in shock at the question, slightly stunned at the thought. An involuntary defensive wall slammed into place. 

 

So that was the real reason she wanted to see her, was it? Just so she could convince-

 

Lena cut her own thoughts off at the legs.

 

No, Maggie wasn’t asking her to fuck her over. Maggie wouldn’t do that. Just like Jack wouldn’t, or Clark or Kara-

 

No, that box was only allowed to open a crack, nothing more.

 

Lena shook her head sternly at the other woman.

 

“No. No, I don’t. And no, I’m not just saying that to be stubborn. I am ready to do this, to be out here. I just… I forgot about the situation I was putting myself back into here for a second.”

 

Maggie nodded and looked around the room, her eyes lingering on Lena’s nameplate before turning back to face the green-eyed woman properly. 

 

“Kara didn’t tell me everything that happened with you, but I’ve still heard a few disturbing things.”

 

The Latina woman’s eyes lingered on the shadows beneath Lena’s.

 

“And you don’t look good,” she finished.

 

Lena sighed heavily, rubbing the side of her head.

 

“I’m fi….” she was about to say but stopped herself at the other woman’s heavy look. 

 

“I’m doing better than I was,” she finished instead.

 

Maggie gave her an intense look, making Lena feel like her eyes were searching for the truth behind the brunette’s words. After a minute, the heat in her gaze disappeared to be replaced with fondness and empathy.

 

“Why did you let me come up today? I’ve been trying for a while now,” she questioned.

 

Lena gave the other woman a half smile.

 

“I don’t entirely know,” she trailed off, before giving Maggie an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, for avoiding you before. I didn’t really feel like seeing anyone.”

 

The psychologist smiled understandingly.

 

“It’s ok, I understand. Just know that if ever you want to talk, I’m here for you.”

 

With a final smile, she stood up from her chair and moved to leave. But before she could make it more than two steps the CEO stood up herself and grabbed the psychologist’s elbow. 

 

“Maggie… you said before that you could recommend me some psychologists in the city…. Would you mind emailing me a list?”

 

The other woman blinked, before giving her an ear to ear smile that displayed her dimples in full.

 

“Of course.”

 

Lena’s smile faltered slightly.

 

“And… could we just… keep this conversation between us? I don’t want to upset Kara.”

 

Maggie nodded with her smile still in place.

 

“Ok.”

 

* * *

 

“Clark?”

 

On the other end of the line, the man took in a sharp breath, before speaking in an eager voice.

 

_“Lena? It’s great to hear from you. I’ve been worried, everyone has.”_

 

Lena winced.

 

“I know, I’ve just… I’ve been busy. I’m sorry for worrying you.”

 

There was a beat of silence before Clark spoke again.

 

_“You sound different.”_

 

“In what way?”

 

_“Like you’re tired. But also… calmer.”_

 

The CEO smiled.

 

“I suppose that might be accurate. A lot has happened recently.”

 

Clark let out a breath, before speaking in a kind voice.

 

_“Kara’s been asking me about you. She’s been especially worried.”_

Lena exhaled.

 

“So you know about us I gather,” she said in a resigned voice.

 

_“Isn’t that the real reason you’ve been avoiding speaking to me?”_

 

Well, he had her there.

 

“…well maybe partially.”

 

_“Partially?”_

 

The CEO played with the edge of her sleeve before answering.

 

“I haven’t been liking who I am lately. It’s taking me a while to change that.”

 

_“So you isolated yourself?”_

 

Clark sounded unusually tense and annoyed. Lena raised an eyebrow at the tone of his words before responding in a defensive voice.

 

“I’m working on that.”

 

The man sighed heavily but when he next spoke it was in a kinder tone.

 

_“And you and Kara?”_

 

The box shook, and Lena sat on it.

 

“…that’s a whole other kettle of fish.”

 

_“You don’t want to talk about it?”_

 

The CEO let out a mirthless laugh.

 

“I’m leaving that particular compartmentalised in the deepest corner to be unpacked last at the end of my decluttering.”

 

Clark laughed.  


 

_“That’s a lot of moving metaphors.”_

 

The green-eyed woman grinned.

 

“Well, I am moving house at the moment. Someplace new and with no bad memories. No memories of any kind, unless you count Jack dropping a table on his foot.”

 

_“I would count that as a hilarious memory if I was you.”_

 

“Well there was a lot of swearing involved, so you might be right.”

 

The bearded man laughed for a minute, before speaking once again.

 

_“Sam told me you came to see her.”_

 

The brunette nodded, her thoughts lingering on the things Sam had revealed to her during her last visit to Krypton.

 

“I did. Once before the…breakup and once after. Both times were… Well, I learned things from both visits.”

 

_“Good things, bad things?”_

 

Lena thought before answering.

 

“Both.”

 

The bearded man made a happy sound.

 

_“How’s your job?”_

 

The CEO’s body tensed.

 

“….draining.”

 

A stillness grew over the line before Clark spoke in a thoughtful voice.

 

_“You know, just because you have a past there, it doesn’t mean it has to be your future too.”_

 

The brunette smiled tiredly.

 

“Wisdom nuggets again?” She questioned.

 

_“Well, you might get to hear them in person soon.”_

 

The CEO tilted her head.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Clark took a shuddering breath before replying.

 

_“There’s been a lot of talk here. With Jonn and everything and Lois. So, we’re all thinking that it might be time for me to leave.”_

 

Lena’s eyes grew wide.

 

“Clark that’s… fantastic!”

 

The man didn’t seem as enthusiastic.

 

_“Come on Lena, you know the drill the same as me. We all get excited... then we get nervous, then we get excited again. All wondering if we can exist outside these walls. Then we all seem to fall flat on our faces the second we leave.”_

 

It hurt Lena to hear the usually upbeat man speak so sadly, and cynically. She gathered her thoughts before replying in a steady voice.

 

“Some people just stumble a bit, Clark. And it doesn’t mean you will. And even if you do fall, the measure of your character is only if you stay down and don’t try to get back up again.”

 

_“Is that what you’re trying to do, Lena? Get back up again from a fall?”_

 

The brunette hesitated, before thinking about her life for the past three months. Everything that she had done… and everything she wished she could do.

 

“Yes, Clark. That’s what I’m trying to do.”

 

The man didn’t respond, and Lena spoke again earnestly.

 

“Clark, you’ve got a wife who adores you. Friends who adore you. You’re ready for this.”

 

_“But what if I’m not. What if I’m really just not ready.”_

 

Lena smiled widely.

 

“Well, then you can come and visit me and we’ll worry about that together.”

 

Clark laughed.

 

_“I’ve missed talking to you, Lena.”_

 

She smiled again before it grew hesitant and the box rattled beneath her.

 

“So have I, Clark. Can you do me a favour though?”

 

_“Ask away.”_

 

“Don’t tell Kara I called you.”

 

There was a pause before he spoke in a tired voice.

 

_“She just wants to know if you're ok, Lena. She’s worried that you’re isolating yourself.”_

 

“I just don’t want her to think I’ve only decided to avoid her.”

 

_“But that’s what you’re doing.”_

 

Lena took a shuddering breath, that did nothing to quell the anxiety in her chest.

 

“I’m trying to work out what I need to say. I’m not… I’m not even sure I should say anything. But… as with most things she was right. I do have people I can talk to and I need to remember that.”

 

_“You’re family Lena, remember?”_

 

She shrugged.

 

“I guess I just haven’t had the best track record with families.”

 

_“Well, the power to change that lies with you, Lena.”_

 

“I know.”

 

The man sighed.

 

_“I won’t tell her I talked to you, but you should talk to her Lena. She deserves to know why you… Well, she just deserves to know the real reasons behind everything that happened.”_

 

She smiled softly.

 

“I know, Clark. Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

“Ms Luthor? Five minutes, until your meeting with the board of directors and the financial team Mr Lord wants to bring in.”

 

Lena turned from her brooding stare out of her office window, looking across the city from her perch high on the world and feeling… absolutely nothing. She looked at the assistant and gave him a grateful smile, before gathering her papers in her hands and making her way down the hallway towards the conference room. 

 

“Ok, thank you for the reminder.” 

 

She made her way there with a lingering taste of disgust filling her mouth as she turned a corner to see a group of businessmen and woman standing outside the doors, while the board members sat inside the room. Maxwell Lord’s face lit up with his especially slimy smile and walked towards her. 

 

“Ah, Lena. I’d like to introduce you to the CEO of the most esteemed brokerage firms in the city. Rhea Daxam,” he said smoothly, facing her towards a stern-looking middle-aged woman. 

 

Lena took her hand with a neutral expression. Rhea’s reputation preceded her, and the brunette was supremely uncomfortable meeting her. But it wouldn’t do her any good to let the woman know that. Daxam and Daxam hadn’t been her first choice to overview her finances, but Maxwell pushed the issue so she had reluctantly agreed to a meeting.

 

“A pleasure to meet you, Mrs Daxam,” she said smoothly.

 

A cold smile grew on the older woman’s face, reminding Lena eerily of her mother.

 

“Ms Luthor,” she purred out. “It is good to see you returned to the fold.”

 

Max directed her to the young man standing behind the older woman.

 

“And this is Daxam and Daxam’s rising star-“

 

Lena cut him off, her eyes wide.

 

“Mike?”

 

The young man’s face paled at the sight of her.  


 

“Lena?”

 

The pair stared at each other silently. Lena’s eyes running over his newly clean-shaven appearance, suit and briefcase before returning to his eyes. The man looked… different from how he had been when he left the hospital. He was dressed well and professionally, but his eyes looked dead and lifeless. All the joy seemed to have been drained from the happy-go-lucky man she remembered. 

 

Max interrupted her staring match.

 

“I didn’t know you two had met before,” he said in an annoyed voice, eyes flicking between the two of them.

 

Mike coughed.

 

“We used to hang out, back in the day. Right, Lena?”

 

Lena was taken aback, but Mike’s eyes became pleading. It was almost as if he didn’t want anyone to know that he had been in the hospital.

 

A weight sank in her stomach.

 

Just like she had been with Kara.

 

“Yes,” she finally said, giving the man an understanding smile. "Though seeing you now, it doesn’t seem so long ago.”

 

Mike’s face flickered with relief, but Lena turned to look at his mother who was giving him furious look for some reason. Max interrupted the awkwardness.

 

“Well, why don’t we get down to it?”

 

They all blinked and smiled fakery at each other before moving into the conference room. They all made their introductions to everyone else. Lillian’s eyes lingered on Lena, giving her a smug smile that set the CEO’s teeth on edge. Finally, once all the conversation had stopped Max gestured for one of Rhea’s associates to speak.

 

“Overviewing your finances, we’ve decided to recommend that you move away from your R and D projects and utilise those funds for your continuing expansion into the military sector. Theoretically, within five years and if you make more investments into small arms dealerships you could have a highly profitable contract with the Department of Defence.”

 

The board murmured happily, Lillian’s face becoming satisfied and Max’s smug. Lena’s face was the only one to blanch at the changes the man had proposed. Lena’s anger inflated at the site of certain members of the board already shaking hands with the Daxam and Daxam team.

 

The CEO stood to her feet and loomed over the table instantly demanding the rooms attention.

 

“R and D had always been the cornerstone of Luther Corp,” she growled. “It’s how we’ve moved forward as a company.”

 

A deadly silence fell over the table, and everyone turned their eyes to face Rhea who was smiling placatingly.

 

“Maybe once, but the products coming out of that sector have hardly any military use,” she answered.

 

Lena’s eyelid twitched.

 

“Yes, but that’s not the point. Everything in this company doesn’t have to be armaments. R and D are making great strides in health and clean energy.”

 

Max answered this time.

 

“The fact is, those areas are simply not getting the same kind of returns as-“

 

Lena cut him off with a harsh glare, internally imaging herself stabbing his stupid mansplaining head. Like she needed his slimy ass telling her about the returns of her own god damn company.

 

“It’s not about instantaneous returns! Apart from the fact that morally those areas are essential for our company. They are also areas that long-term will bear fruit in terms of profit. We are supposed to moving further away from arms, not getting deeper in bed with the defence department.”

 

Max sneered.

 

“As CEO, of course, your main concern would, of course, would be the satisfaction of your shareholders.”

 

Lena growled.

 

“You mean you, Mr Lord.”

 

Lilian interrupted this time with a voice filled with disdain.

 

“This is a company, Lena. Not a charity.”

 

She shook her head in response.

 

“We’ve already backed away from the Luther Hospital,” she answered, her voice cracking. “That alone tore out my soul, now you want to support this?”

 

Lillian gave her a look of total dispassion.

 

“Your naivety was charming once, Lena. It grows tiresome now.” 

 

Lena was stunned by her words and sat down instantly. Was it naivety? Maybe. But it was also what was right. And this place, this company, she finally accepted with a sinking heart, was never going to do what was right. Regardless of what Lena envisioned for it.

 

“Ms Luthor?”

 

Lena zoned back in on the boardroom with a snap, looking around at all the crotchety old men and women watch her with oozing disdain. Watched as Maxwell Lord gave her his smug smile, and her mother watched her with a raised eyebrow. Her eyes turned back in front of her, taking in the sight of Mike sitting next to his formidable mother. 

 

She was struck by how small he looked.

 

How broken.

 

She didnt want to be like him.

 

Her mind filled with pure clarity. It was like a bath of warm water had been poured over it, washing away the final vestiges of dirt that had collected in the crevices.

 

The box in the corner collapsed, and it's items flooded out.

 

She let out a happy laugh, making the board member’s eye her weirdly. 

 

“Yeah, so I quit,” she said easily.

 

Everyone was silent for a second before they all started speaking out once.

 

“Is this some kind of joke?”

 

“Mrs Luthor, what is going on?”

 

“Ms Luthor!”

 

“You’re resigning again?”

 

“Foolish girl.”

 

The last line had been spat by her mother, who was giving her the most venomous look she had ever received from the woman in her life. And oddly, it didn’t phase her one bit. 

 

Her eyes tracked over the shocked expressions in the room, lingering for a minute on Max’s baffled face before locking on Mike. As his mother sat with a furious expression next to him, the man had looked up finally at her, with something akin to desperate hope in his eyes.

 

Lena watched him for half a second before giving him a sympathetic smile.

 

“I have decided, that not only would it be irresponsible for me to run this company any further it would be downright dangerous. I can no longer support the moral standpoint, and the fact is… Well, I’m sick of betraying my conscience for this place. I’m also sick of being a glorified figurehead.”

 

Lena took a deep breath, before pulling her jacket off and placing it on the table with shaky hands. She watched as the eyes of the people in the room took in the sight of her scars. Some of them turned pale, their eyes bulging. Mike’s smile turned grim, but there was a hint of satisfaction in his eyes. Rhea looked calculating. Maxwell like he had just been given the biggest treat of his life.

 

And her mother, red with rage at her audacity.

 

“This place has already helped kill me once, I’m not going to give it the chance to do it again. I hope you all have a great day.”

 

She readied to walk away but fixed Mike with a final meaningful look.

 

“Freedom is worth more than all the money in the world.” 

 

* * *

 

The brunette stood outside Kara’s door with her heart pounding in her chest. 

 

This was big. This was the culmination of three months worth of stewing and thinking and worrying and stressing. A month of decisions.

 

Where she had locked a box to not think about, but the contents had bled into everything she did regardless. The box containing Kara.

 

Periphery, everything in her life now was shadowed by Kara’s presence. Or her ex-presence as it were. For so long, even despite her claims to the contrary, her recovery had been wrapped up in the blonde. Not that the other woman was key to it, but that she was always there. Stepping with Lena side by side through all aspects of it. The brunette had never had time to flounder on her own. To be the one to reach out, instead of reaching for. And although the past three months had been hard without the blue-eyed woman… excruciatingly hard to ignore that locked box… 

 

She needed them.

 

But the circumstances that led to them left her with a lingering toxicity in herself that she wanted desperately to flush out. And now… she realised that she while she didn’t need Kara in her life to function. Lena wanted her.

 

Clark and Jack’s words, even Maggie’s heavy looks, ran rampant through her mind.

 

And quitting today, deciding to walk away from it all, made her realise what she wanted. Solidifying in her mind. The relief she was now feeling that she was walking away from Luther Corp and towards something else. She hadn’t felt this excited for something since she first started working at the company. 

 

Now it was if the everything had finally clicked in her heart and mind.

 

Everything but one.

 

Lena steeled her spine, held up her hand and knocked confidently.

 

Her breath caught when Kara’s face appeared from behind the door, trying to wrestle the dog that the brunette had heard back and away from the door.

 

“Don’t worry about him. Barry’s more likely to lick you to death than to…..” Kara said with a smile before she noticed her.

 

Lena could see all the colour drain from the blonde’s face and her heart squeezed painfully at the sight. The part of her brain that had spent the past three months berating her for how terrible a person she was, rose unsteadily to its feet. Limping in pain from it’s the previous attack, but her core will remain strong. She was going to do this. Kara deserved to hear this. For everything that the woman had done for her. For the type of person, she was.

 

And Lena’s deep need to take back the alcohol and terror fuelled words she had thrown at her that night. 

 

The brunette was a split-second from opening her mouth when the wind was knocked out of her, and she was left flat on her back staring at the ceiling. Kara’s dog had knocked her over and was now desperately licking her like she was his long lost friend.

 

“Oh my God, I am so sorry. Barry! Get off her!”

 

Lena regained so semblance of her senses in that second, and as her breath returned began to laugh until she was hysterical, and finally until she was crying. The ridiculousness of the situation didn’t escape her, and it was something so quintessentially Kara about the fact that their first meeting post-breakup involved the brunette being knocked over by the writer’s dog.

 

The past three months, all the worrying and the sleepless nights. The drinking that had ended, the life she decided she no longer wanted. 

 

The life she had now chosen to give herself.

 

The entirety of their relationship crashed over all at once. Everything that she had said, had been said. Kara’s letters, her breathtaking smile. Her sense of humour. The colour of her eyes. 

 

The struggles she had been through. How incredibly proud Lena was of her. How, what she feared had come to pass, but not in the way she had expected. Pushing Kara away so completely, because at that moment she didn’t believe she deserved her.

 

Waking up the next morning, with the hangover of the century, full of the deepest regret she’d ever had. The self-loathing of that moment.

 

And the terror, and the joy, of deciding she was going to see her again.

 

The brunette felt a touch on her shoulder and turned her face slightly to see Kara hovering next to her on the floor with cautious concern etched in her face.

 

“Lena…” she said with uncertainty.

 

The green-eyed woman felt a hint of longing at the sound of the blonde’s breath and took a staggered breath that came out more like a sob before she answered with a weak attempt at humour.

 

“Ever time I knock on your door, it always leads to an interesting result,” Lena said.

 

The blonde looked pained at her words, but her eyes softened all the same.

 

“It’s not always bad results though,” Kara replied softly.

 

Lena clutched at Kara’s hand and gave it what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

 

“I hope not,” she answered with a smile.

 

They stared at each other for a minute, Lena finding herself lost in the blonde’s blue eyes. The first thing that she noticed about the other woman. Kara pulled her to her feet gently, and once she had righted herself she let her go with a grimace.

 

“What are you doing here Lena?”

 

She asked the question guardedly, and the brunette felt a wave of shame flood her chest, Lena watched Kara as the blonde crossed her arms over her chest.

 

“I came to apologise, for everything that happened,” she said finally. “What I said to you was… unbelievably wrong and horrid. I know it’s not an excuse, but I had an astronomical amount to drink and it aggravated feelings that I’d been pushing down for a while.”

 

Kara’s face became pained.

 

“What do you want me to say, Lena? You’ve come to my door… And I’m not sure that I really want to talk to you if I’m being honest.’

 

Lena took a step forward but stopped when she saw the other woman tense.

 

“I know I should have called, but I…. I needed to see you.”

 

The blonde clenched her jaw at the answer.

 

“You’ve had three months, Lena. You haven’t contacted me in three months,” she spat out.

 

The brunette’s eyes flickered down to the floor.

 

“I know, I just… I’ve been working through some things.”

 

A pause sounded between them before Lena looked up and into Kara’s pain filled eyes.

 

“So have I, Lena,” she answered.

 

The ex CEO didn’t know what to say to that, because of course, Kara was right. Finally, she just spoke in a soft voice.

 

“Please… can we talk?”

 

The blonde didn’t answer, just stared, and Lena took a breath and a step back.

 

“Look, I understand if you want me to go… Just, I’m sorry.”

 

The brunette barely had time to turn before she heard Kara released a breath and called for her. 

 

“Lena… come in. We can talk.”

 

The brunette smiled gratefully.

 

“Thank you.”

 

The blonde led the pair into the apartment, shunting her dog along so she could close the door without him slipping out. It shouldn’t have worried her though, the second the dog spotted Lena he was all over her again panting happily when she scratched behind his ears. 

 

“So, you’ve got a dog now?” Lena asked.

 

Kara nodded, looking at the dog with fondness in her eyes.

 

“His name is Barry.”

 

Lena smiled at him, reaching down to give him a belly scratch when he rolled onto his back being for it. 

 

“He’s beautiful.”

 

The blonde laughed, and Lena almost cried at the sound. Kara knelt down too, so she could join in on the scratching.

 

“He’s a big doofus, but I love him.”

 

Lena watched Kara interacting with Barry with a smile,

 

“He’s been good for you?” The green-eyed woman said knowingly.

 

Barry gave Kara a long lick along her hand, making the blonde laugh.

 

“Barry and I were meant to be I think. I haven’t had him long, but I love him to pieces.”

 

A few more minutes of joyous scratching continued until Barry stood to his feet and shook himself off. At the gesture, Kara stood to her own feet with a groan and Lena copied the action. 

 

Once again, they stood opposite each other awkwardly, before Barry lay down between them with a sigh.

 

Kara huffed herself, before speaking again.

 

“But you didn’t come all this way just to talk about my dog…”

 

Lena hesitated before replying.

 

“No, I… I don’t know where to start. I… have you been…..I’m sorry.”

 

“Lena-“

 

The brunette stepped forward, the intensity in her eyes cutting off the blonde immediately.

 

“You have meant more to me, than anyone in my entire life. You helped show me what I was worth. You were the first person to… really see me. I think you know me better than I know myself and that… it scared me that night. I wanted to be…. In Krypton, I was ready to leave. But I underestimated just how toxic the situation was that I was entering back into.” 

 

Kara didn’t say a word, so Lena ploughed on.

 

“I haven’t told you everything about my relationship with my mother, and LutherCorp. And just how twisted the whole thing was. I was the product of an affair my father had with my birth mother. And Lillian… she never let me forget it. For a long time, it broke something inside of me. I didn’t believe I was worth anything. But thanks to you, and the hospital, I learnt there wasn’t anything wrong with me at all. And I was ready, I am ready, to face the world.” 

 

The blonde frowned, but Lena didn’t care.

 

“But, up until today I still wasn’t ready to face her. She is the literal embodiment of everything I hated about myself. The voice in my head? The one that tells me I’m worthless? It sounds exactly like her. It was never just about proving I could handle managing the company. I wanted to prove to myself that I could face her, and win. But now I know that I don’t have to prove anything to people like that. I don’t have to win over them. All I was doing, was laying my heart on my sleeve for her to tread on all over again. She’s never cared how I feel, except to make me feel small.”

 

“Nothing I do will ever show her up. I could buy the moon, and it still wouldn’t prove anything to her. The thing is, the fact that I was so desperate to prove her wrong means that I still cared what she thought about me. A fucked up way, to make her realise that she should have loved me all along. And that she missed out on what she could have had with me as her daughter.”

 

Lena snorted, shaking her head in bitter amusement.

 

“The funny thing is… that there are seven billion people on this planet. And I realised today, just because one person thinks so little of me… well, statistically I’m doing pretty good.”

 

Her eyes changed from amused to sorrowful, and she took a deep and shaky breath before continuing.

 

“But… I pushed you away because I was angry at how much you… cared. I was… in my head, a twisted part of me thought that you were trying to stop me from doing what I was so determined to do. I couldn’t understand what you were trying to do for me, and I felt guilty at the same time because I also understood perfectly. I know you were just looking out for me. You could see what I was in denial about seeing, that I was falling down a dark path again. And you know me well enough to see that that version of myself, while a part of me, isn’t who I am. And I don’t want to be that person or any of the shit that it entails. I felt like the control I had gotten back on my life was slipping away, and I was furious because I thought that you were trying to make me let go of it. I see now, that it was the opposite way around. You wanted me to keep control, and my sense of who I am.”

 

By the time she finished, tears had filled her eyes which she didn’t even bother to wipe away.

 

“Kara,” she said in a emotion-filled voice. "I’ve spent so long fending for myself when times get tough that… I reverted to my old standby. The last time I was in a serious relationship she left me when I was at my lowest. I desperately don’t want to compare the two of you but… the stress and the alcohol and being in that fucking apartment… I made me lose myself completely. And for that, I am profoundly sorry. You’ve had to struggle so much in your life already, and I am so incredibly proud of who you are and what you have achieved in spite of it. The thing you need or deserve is the burden of having to consider someone else’s needs before your own. This is your time to put yourself one-hundred per cent first. You deserve to do that. You’ve certainly earned it. You’re too good for me.”

 

Her voice wobbled on the last line, and she found that she had run out of any more words to say. 

 

For the first time since Lena had begun, Kara’s face slipped from neutral into something more. She moved to reach for Lena’s arm but stopped herself before she could touch her. The blonde’s hand dropped to her side and she let out a sigh. 

 

“How about from now on,” she answered with an attempt at amusement. “You’re not allowed to decide I’m too good for you? I think we’ve made it clear you can’t handle that decision.” 

 

Lena didn’t say anything in response and Kara let out another sigh as her face grew pained.

 

“Lena, I say this with all the kindness and love I have for you… You have a horrendous problem with putting yourself down. I think, that when you fall into a slump, it’s the first bad habit that you reach for. Well, maybe that and defensiveness. Lena, I don’t care that you stumbled. I don’t care, that it became too much. I care that you were so wrapped in on your pain that you didn’t let me help. It worries me that you didn’t let me help, or realise that people are there and are willing to help you. That even after all your time learning, you forgot that. But… for me to say that was the worst thing that you could have done was hypocritical. I’ve been where you are now. Lost and confused… And I was far more certain about my support system than you. But even with all that, I’ve learned to reach out for them… To reach out for you.”

 

This time, Kara didn’t hesitate to reach out and grabbed Lena’s hands with her own.

 

“I love you, Lena. So much. But I still wonder if we aren’t just… wrong for each other right now. If we are what the other person needs. You still have a long way to go in your recovery, and I do as well. I’m just not… sure that we should be together.”

 

A part of Lena died inside.

 

“That’s not what you thought before,” she whispered out.

 

The blonde’s brow crinkled.

 

“But it’s what I’m starting to think now. We need some time to settle into our own lives.”

 

“Kara-“

 

The blonde cut her off, her eyes snapping to the brunette’s with anger and hurt, and dropped their joined hands.

 

“You were embarrassed of me, Lena.”

 

The brunette flinched at the harsh tone, and the truth, of Kara’s words.

 

“I….”

 

Kara cut her off again, making it clear that this time she was going to be the one to talk.

 

“You didn’t want people to know that I was your girlfriend, because you were afraid of how it would reflect on your company and on you. I don’t want to force you to do something you’re not ready for Lena, but I can’t be with someone who is afraid of being who they are. Is afraid of loving me in public and is too terrified of people knowing the truth about what happened, that they would rather hide me away. I can’t ask you to hold a press conference and tell the world about your illness. I would never ask that of you. But I’ll never hide mine and being with me, means knowing that I’m going to write about it. And talk about it. I won't stop myself from doing that, because it’s too important to me not to. If you’re with me, you’re right, people might dig. They might find out the truth. Learn about your depression and about your attempt.”

 

The words hung in the air, and the defeated and resigned tone that Kara spoke them penetrated her skin. Lena stepped forward, hoping her eyes conveyed the sincerity of her apology.

 

“I should never have done that. I was being an idiot. A stupid idiot. My fear got the better of me. I didn’t want… I was afraid that if people knew about you and made the connection with me…then I would lose public opinion. And I would lose the little trust I had left with the board. But I don’t care about that anymore. I’ve spent enough time without you now… it made my priorities shift. You are more important to me than my mother’s opinion, or the board’s opinion or even the public’s opinion. And I’m not ashamed of what happened to me, I don’t know why I was pretending I was. I promise it will never happen again." 

 

Kara’s eyes became red-rimmed, and she was clearly fighting tears from falling.

 

“You’ve made promises before, Lena. You asked me to do things for you and then you didn’t listen. I didn’t care how much you were working because I got to spend less time with you! Well… of course I would have liked to spend more time with you, but you’re the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company! I know that you are going to be busy. I care because whatever you were doing was killing you. It was killing you fast. In three weeks, I could see every bit of progress you had made over the past months slip away from you like sand through your fingers! And when I tried to tell you… Lena-“

 

“I quit.”

 

That stopped Kara dead in her tracks. The blonde’s brain seemed to need a few minutes, scrambling to reconcile the new information. Lena couldn’t help but feel a hint of amusement at the blonde’s gaping mouth.

 

“You….you what?” She finally whispered.

 

Lena shrugged.

 

“I quit. My job, the company.”

 

Kara shook her head, and Lena grinned.

 

“Lena, I didn’t want-“

 

The brunette cut her off, placing a hand on the blonde’s shoulder.

 

“I know,” she said gently. “But I didn’t do it for you. I did it for me. It.. it wasn’t what I wanted. So I’m selling my shares, and I’m going to start a new company. My own company. Not tainted by my mother or my father or sleazy businessmen. This will be my legacy to the world, and I’m going to help so many people.”

 

Kara’s eyes widened, but her voice remained unsure.

 

“That’s… ambitious.”

 

The brunette smiled with childlike glee.

 

“I’m excited, Kara. In a different way than before. I’ll have to take it slowly, not just by choice but by circumstance. I need to build it from the ground up and surround myself with the right people. The idea is already making me happy. And free. It was a piece of the puzzle to making me who I want to be. I just have one more I want right now.”

 

Kara didn’t speak, and her eyes looked scared.

 

“And what’s that?” She whispered.

 

The brunette stepped forward.

 

“You,” she said with a single breath.

 

The blonde turned her gaze away.

 

“Lena-“

 

The green-eyed woman pressed a cool finger underneath Kara’s chin, turning it so she was forced to look at her once more.

 

“I’ll do whatever it takes,” she said slowly. “I’ll be your friend, I’ll wait. Whatever it takes. Just know, that I’m going to be there for you. Through whatever you need, in whatever capacity. I’ll be at every book signing, every speech. I’ll message you every day. I want to talk to you about your day, and how you’re feeling. I want to be that person who checks you. I want you to be that person for me. I vow, that I will be the best person I can be for myself. Because being the best person I can be, means I can honestly tell myself I deserve you. I love you, Kara. I’ve never loved anyone more than you, and I never will again. I know it, deep in my heart. You’re the only one for me, and nothing will ever change that. I know, that I hurt you. I can’t take that back. All I can do is ask you to forgive me. And I promise that I’ll never push you away like that again. Never again.”

 

The words were raw and real. Lena didn’t think she had ever believed in anything she had ever said as much as she believed those words. Still, she dropped her finger form Kara’s chin and took a step back, even as the blonde’s eyes remained locked on her’s.

 

“Lena-“

 

The brunette stopped her again and took another step backwards.

 

“I don’t want to rush you. God, that’s the last thing I want to do. I have a long way to go to earn your trust back. My words can only mean so much. I need to prove what I want too. I just wanted to tell you that I’m ready. Whenever… if ever you are again.”

 

The blonde hesitated again, but a few tears began to slip down her cheek.

 

“What if I just want to be friends?” She said in a ruff voice.

 

Lena smiled gently.

 

“Then I’ll be your friend. Kara, the most important thing for me is being in your life in whatever capacity. If there’s one thing the last three months have taught me, it’s that I miss the light you bring to my world. Your goodness, kindness and decency. Your strength. You help me want to be the best version of myself. If I gave that up again without stating my case… well, it would be an even stupider mistake than letting you go before.”

 

Lena’s words settled in the room, making the air thick between them. The brunette was struck with a sudden urge to breathe. 

  
“I… you have my number. I think I’ve already taken over enough of your time. It’s only fair I give you time to digest all this. But, call me whenever. I’ll be here, straight away.”

 

She smiled at Kara and gave Barry a final scratch behind the ears, the dog looking up at her happily, before turning to exit the room. 

 

Lena hesitated before she made the final step through the door frame, and turned on her heel to speak to Kara in a quiet voice.

 

“I just want you to be happy, Kara. If never seeing me again makes you happy, then that’s what will happen. If you want to be friend’s, then I’ll be happy with that. But if you want to be together, at any speed, then I’m here. I’m giving the power to you, and the choice I took away when I was the only one who decided to end things in the first place. That was unfair and cruel after everything that we… I’m sorry again for that. I just… You deserve all the good days. Every. Single. Damn. Day.”

 

Lena half thought Kara would say something, but the blonde woman didn’t so much as open her mouth. The green-eyed woman finally walked out the door and descended the stairs with a lighter heart than she’d felt in months before walking out onto the street. She took a deep breath of the cold air that felt good and bracing on her lungs.

 

It felt cleansing.

 

She was only half a minute down the path before she heard her name being called.

 

“Lena!”

 

The brunette turned around at the cry, to find Kara following her down the street, dressed haphazardly. She skidded to a stop in front of her, panting lightly from racing down the stairs. 

 

“Did you mean it? Everything you said?” She demanded, her eyes fierce.

 

Lena nodded.

 

“Of course I did,” she said with feeling.

 

Kara watched her quietly, her eyes running over Lena’s face. The brunette had the intense feeling that she was being weighed and measured in the other woman’s mind. After a nail-biting pause, the blonde took a step forward and spoke to Lena softly.

 

“I’ve done terrible things too. I’ve hurt people. My family, my sister, my boss. I’ve hurt my whole life. But… they forgave me. And not just because I earned it, but because they understood. I need you to listen to me now, truly listen.”

 

She said the last words fiercely, and Lena had the feeling that the whole future of any relationship she had with Kara was going to hinge on her answers to whatever Kara was going to say.

“Do you understand now, that of all the people on this earth I understand what you’re going through?”

 

Lena let out a breath.

 

“Yes.”

 

Kara nodded.

 

“Do you understand, that you are not alone in what you’re going through?”

 

“Yes.”

 

The blonde bit her lip, before continuing.

 

“Do you promise to let me worry about you? Do you promise that no matter how mad at each other we get, that you’ll never throw me out again?”

 

“Yes,” Lena said with feeling.

 

The blonde nodded again and continued.

 

“Do you promise, that you’ll stop projecting what you think I should feel onto me. Instead of listening to how I actually feel?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Kara reached forward and placed a hand on Lena’s elbow, pulling her closer to continue with a whisper.

 

“Do you promise, to be patient with me now. To understand, that it’s my turn to take things slow again?”

 

The rest of the world melted away, and Lena found herself getting lost in Kara’s eyes once again.

 

“Yes,” she breathed.

 

“Do your promise, that we will each find things to do that don’t involve each other? Not work, but hobbies that are just ours alone?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Kara’s grip tightened on her jacket.

 

“Do you promise, to believe me when I tell you I think you’re spiralling? And do you promise, to do the same for me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

The next questioned came out after a pause, Kara’s eyes becoming even more vulnerable.

 

“Do you promise, that you’ll see someone? A therapist, a psychologist… whatever.. to help you help yourself?”

 

That one was easy for Lena now.

 

“Yes.”

 

Finally, Kara leant in a pressed her forehead against the brunettes. A single tear dripped down her cheek and landed on Lena’s skin.

 

“Do you promise, to love me? And to let me love you in return?” Kara said brokenly.

 

Lena moved her hand then so that she could hold Kara’s shoulders tightly. She gave the blonde a look filled with emotion, hoping to convert every single inch of love she felt for the woman in her arms with it.

  
“Yes, a thousand times yes,” she replied with a breath.

 

The blonde closed her eyes and shuddered before the tension left her shoulders and face. She pulled back with a smile and she broke their embrace, making Lena miss the warmth.

 

“Well then… we’ll take it slowly. It really is my turn to take it slowly.”

 

Kara said the last part with humour, and it made Lena’s eyes sparkle with joy.

 

“And it’s my turn to woo you now,” Lena teased.

 

The blonde smiled at her with soft fondness. 

 

“Yes, I suppose it is.”

 

The pair just stared at each other for a minute, smiles growing on both their faces. The blonde rolled her eyes in amusement and tilted her head in the direction of her apartment.

 

“Ok then… come on up. I’ll make us a cup of tea and you can tell me what else has been going on in your life for the last three months. Then you can order us something to eat… You’ve got to eat something… But you’re paying! Just because you quit your job, doesn’t mean you can mooch off me!”

 

Lena nodded.

 

“I can do that.”

 

Kara reached out her hand for Lena to take. The brunette took a shaky breath, before taking it and interlacing their fingers as the blonde began to tug them back towards her apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was a whopper :) Let me know what you thought!


	30. My Crown Is Called Content, A Crown That Seldom Kings Enjoy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we go. I've been a bit up and down this week, but I think a lot of it is to do with the fact that this fic is ending soon... I'll miss it, I won't lie. But! Let me know what you think.

“So… how have you been?”

 

Alex’s voice was casual enough that had it been anyone but Kara, she never would have guessed it to be probing. As it was, the blonde looked up from her cup of tea and rolled her eyes at her sister.

 

“You ask me that so nervously every week,” she drawled back with a raised eyebrow. “Like I’m a member of the bomb squad.”

 

The redhead shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly.

 

“Can’t I check up on my little sister?”

 

The blue-eyed woman let out a huff. Ever since Lena and Kara had gotten back together, every time Alex saw the blonde by herself she would ask her in her ‘ weird voice about how she was.

 

“Yes,” The blonde answered. “But you don’t have to handle me like glass. I’m not that emotionally fragile.”

 

The agent stared at her for a minute, before her worried face softened and she reached across the table and placed a hand over the blondes. 

 

“No,I know you’re not. I’ve actually been…. well, I’ve really come to admire you the last few months. The way you’ve just… You’re the strongest person I know.”

 

Kara snorted and took a sip of her tea.

 

“I doubt that,” she said with a laugh.

 

Alex gave her a disparaging look, which melted into fondness.  


“Well I don’t,” she said in a strong tone. "But then again, I always knew you were tough.”

 

The blonde smiled at her sister.

 

“Yeah, you did,” she said gently. “I’ve always known that you love me Alex. Except for maybe the first year,” she finished with a grin.

 

The redhead groaned at the memory and leaned back in her chair.

 

“Well you were an angry spitfire and I was a repressed lesbian… it was a pretty lethal combination,” she responded dryly.

 

Kara smiled at her sister, juxtaposing her current self against the memory one the blonde had from when they were teenagers. The redhead was plenty angry herself at that age, dealing with her own problems and issues. Chucking a traumatised Kara into the mix and then Jeremiah dying did nothing to help relations between them in the slightest. But still, Kara couldn’t help but feel that as terrible as it was, it still forged an unbreakable connection between them both. 

 

“Do you remember that argument we had when I used the last of your favourite cereal?” The blonde said with a grin.

 

The agent smirked.

 

“In my defence, I specifically told you that the cereal was for me and me alone.”

 

“You didn’t talk to me for a week!” Kara exclaimed.

 

The redhead’s grin widened further.

 

“Well, you had a pretty weird face then. Who could blame me,” she teased.

 

Kara reached across the table and pushed her sister’s shoulder hard enough for the other woman to spill her tea with a shout.

 

“You’re an asshole, you know that right?”

 

The redhead scowled and dried her hand on her shirt.

 

“You love me anyway,” she grumbled in reply.

 

They drifted into peaceful silence, and the blonde took the time to be reflective on her relationship with Alex. Everything they’d been through separately and together, everything they’d seen and done. The good and the bad.

 

“You know, when my parents died,” Kara finally spoke in a soft voice. “I was so lost and angry. I resented the fact that you, Eliza and Jeremiah took me in. I resented a lot of things. I know I’ve had my ups and downs over the years, and I know that I’ve really hurt you before-“

 

Alex rushed to interrupt.

 

“Kara-“

 

“Let me finish… please,” The blonde said, cutting her sister off. “I just… I don’t think I could’ve been where I am now without you helping me and believing in me. Sticking by my side through it all, when you could’ve washed your hands of me. And I know I’ve said it before, but I love you so much. And if there ever was a way to find meaning in my parents death, it was the fact that I got to have you as a sister.”

 

The blonde’s voice became choked, and she looked up to see her sister tearing up and wiping them away furiously. Once she noticed that Kara had noticed, she reached into her pocket for her faithful handkerchief and blew her nose loudly.

 

“Oh, Kara,” she said with a sniffle. “You’re going to destroy my badass image.”

 

The blonde laughed.

 

“Badass’ cry Alex, that’s what makes them awesome,” she said with a grin.

 

Once her sniffles had died down, Alex spoke again with a blotchy face.

 

“So now that you’ve drowned me in my own snot, tell me what else is going on. How’s Lena?”

 

The blonde’s heart glowed at the thought of her girlfriend. 

 

“She’s good. Moving forward now that the renovations of the building are almost done.”

 

Alex nodded.

 

“Must be keeping her pretty busy then?”

 

Kara shrugged.

  
“Well, yeah. Starting up a whole new company is pretty taxing, but now that she’s brought Jack in it seems to be taking a fair bit off her plate. But watching her organise stuff is pretty cool though. I mean, she looks so sexy in a pencil skirt. Makes me want to bend her over the table and-“

 

“Ok, ok too much information,” Alex cut in, covering her ears in protest.

 

Kara laughed.

 

“It’s payback for me having to walk in on you and Maggie.“

 

The agent grimaced.

  
“Yeah, but now we’re both traumatised,” she grumbled before her face melted into a cheeky grin.

 

“Regardless, I thought you two were taking it ‘slow’?”

 

The blonde’s thoughts flooded with the pace of her relationship with Lena over the last three months. From movie trips, dinners, art showings to things as simple and boring as grocery shopping. There was one particular memory of Kara teaching Lena how to do laundry, something to her shock and amusement the blonde had discovered her girlfriend had never done before. Of course, after the blonde had teased her for weeks after she found out Lena had poured a bottle of fabric softener on her head…

 

“We are… she’s been very gentlewomanly about it all. The whole nine yards. And she won’t stop cooking for me!” She said with a grin, her stomach rumbling at the memory of the profiteroles Lena had made for her last night.

 

Alex nodded appreciatively.

 

“As long as she keeps inviting me and Mags over for dinner, don’t say a word,” she warned with a wagging finger.

 

“When have you ever known me to say no to food, Alex,” Kara answered before her eyes took on a dreamy quality. “Though I swear, if I didn’t think she was perfect for me before…”

 

Alex fake swooned.

 

“Oooooohhhh, somebody’s in love,” she teased.

 

The blonde gave her an incredulous look.

 

“Well of course I am! Lena is…. god she’s just…” Kara said, trailing off with thoughts of her girlfriend again. The warm feeling of contentment she got whenever she was in her company. How they didn’t even have to be doing anything, as long as she was in the same room as her. But still, when she looked at her some other feeling swirled in her chest. A feeling she couldn’t identify just yet. It frustrated her sometimes because she just wanted to know what it was. But still…

 

Alex interrupted her thoughts.

 

“So when are you going to move in together?”

 

The blonde blinked and her face flushed.

 

“What are you talking about, we’re taking things slowly!” She spluttered.

 

The redhead rolled her eyes.

 

“Yeah, like you two aren’t totally obsessed with each other. Being in the same room as the pair of you is sickeningly sweet.”

 

The flush didn’t move from Kara’s cheeks, so she flung the question back to her sister.

 

“Well, when are you and Maggie going to move in together?”

 

Alex’s amused face fell slightly.

 

“It’s different with Maggie. She still lives inland to work at the hospital.”

 

Kara frowned at her sister’s sad tone.

 

“Still, that’s a hell of a lot of commuting…” the blonde said worriedly.

 

The redhead frowned down at the table and scratched at the wood lightly with her fingernails.

 

“But if we moved in together, one of us will have to give up our job,” she muttered. "And I don’t want to ask her to do that, she loves her job… and I love mine.”

 

The blonde placed her hand over Alex’s, mimicking the gesture her sister made earlier, and gave her a reassuring grin. 

 

“Hey, it’ll be ok. Have you two talked about it?”

 

The redhead grimaced.

 

“We’ve been tiptoeing around the subject.”

 

The blue-eyed woman tilted her head at the answer, her own thoughts drifting to Lena once more.

 

“Take it from me, you should just bite the bullet,” she said more to herself than her sister.

 

The agent looked at Kara a lost expression.

 

“But if she says no then… I love her, Kara. I don’t want to lose her,” she whispered out.

 

The blonde turned their hands over so she could grasp her sister’s firmly.

 

“Well one way or another, you guys are going to have to make a choice.”

 

The redhead nodded in understanding.

 

“I know, just not this week,” she finally said.

 

The pair drifted into silence once more, before the agent gave her sister a knowing look.

 

“You know, you shouldn’t be scared to move things forward with Lena either,” the older woman said, waggling her eyebrows at the blonde.

 

Kara didn’t so much as blush, her mind too lost in thought.

 

“Hmm,” she sounded briefly.

 

“What does that mean?” Alex asked.

 

The blonde frowned before speaking.

 

“Is it weird that a small part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop? We haven’t had a single argument since we’ve gotten back together.”

 

Alex’s brow furrowed.

 

“Why would you want to have an argument?”

 

The blonde rummaged for a reason, something to pin on and name that unknown feeling inside of her.

 

“Because… well because….” she spluttered.

 

The redhead gave her a sobering look. 

 

“This isn’t you just trying to self-sabotage is it?” Alex asked in a voice laced with a trace of accusation that rankled Kara slightly.

 

However accurate.

 

“No!” The blonde answered, but fell underneath her sister’s gaze. “Well, I don’t know. But it’s just… she’s not… I mean she is…. ugh,” she finally answered before letting her head fall against the table with a thud.

 

She heard Alex laugh and lifted her forehead to eye her beadily for mocking her pain.

 

“Well that made absolutely no sense,” the redhead said with a wide grin.

 

Kara sat back up in her chair with a groan.

 

“I just, she’s doing so well. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this happy, and she makes me so happy,” she said earnestly.

 

“Well that all sounds terrible,” said sarcastically.

 

Kara gave her sister a pained look.

 

“It’s just…. what if it all blows up in my face.”

 

Alex’s face softened and she gave her sister a kind look. 

 

“You’re always going to have your ups and downs, Kara. It’s like that in every relationship. You two actually have an advantage over other people. You’re both fully aware of your own and each other’s mental illness. You’ve done the hard time, getting to know each other through the city gritty of life. You’ve both seen each other at your lowest points and you’re both embracing your lives now. Trust in each other and yourselves and you’ll be ok.”

 

* * *

 

Over a year ago doing something as domestic as walking the dog and holding hands with Lena along the riverfront would never even have occurred to her. Still, she thought, watching in bemusement as Barry nearly pulled Lena’s arm out of her socket when he spotted a stray plastic bag flying through the air. The blonde just laughed as the brunette dug her heels in so she could reign the big dog in, while Kara trotted over and snagged the bag out of the air.

 

“I swear I’ll fund every single clean up initiative in this city personally if it saves my limbs from dismemberment,” The green-eyed woman huffed, rubbing her shoulder with a wince.

 

Lena gave Kara a grateful look when the blonde took the leash off her, before shooting the dog a glare. It disappears fast though because as if sensing her ire Barry gave her hand a giant lick. 

 

“Don’t think because you’re cute, I’ll let you get away with everything,” Lena grumbled halfheartedly, scratching being the dog's ear with a smile. 

 

The brunette must have noticed Kara staring at her because she looked up and self consciously tucked her hair behind her ear. 

 

“What?” She asked.

 

The blonde smiled, and reached over with her free hand and laced their fingers together once more.

 

“I was just thinking about how beautiful you are… and how much I want to kiss you right now.”

 

Lena smirked at her girlfriend 

 

“Well, what’s stopping you?” The brunette asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

Kara pulled her close and rested her forehead against the brunettes.

 

“Absolutely nothing,” she whispered lowly before pressing her lips forward.

 

Unfortunately, she was barely able to deepen the kiss before she was pulled away by Barry once again yanking on the leash. Lena’s burst into laughter as the blonde stumbled two steps away from her before managing to haul the dog to a stop. Kara glared at Lena who still hadn’t stopped laughing. The brunette’s giggles faded into a grin before she moved to take the blonde’s hand back into her own. 

 

“Because he’s cute, we’ll let him get away with it,” she said easily before pulling Kara along to restart their walk.

 

Kara found her eyes, once again, drifting back to look at Lena.

 

After a few more minutes, the brunette quit pretending that she couldn’t see and arched an eyebrow at the blonde in question. 

 

The blonde half smiled before speaking.

 

“You know,” she said softly. “Watching you these past few months has been an honour.”

 

Lena laughed lightly.

 

“Are we going to play that game, where we try to one each other about how proud we are of each other?” She teased.

 

The blonde raised her eyebrows in amusement.

 

“Well, you won the last round. Technically, it’s my turn,” she stated flatly.

 

The brunette pulled herself close and roped an arm around the blonde’s waist.

 

“Your turn! Jesus, do you even hear how ridiculous you sound?” Lena said with another laugh.

 

The taller woman pressed a quick kiss to her girlfriend’s forehead, before looking down at her fondly.

 

“Let’s face it, the main reason you are with me is that I am ridiculous.”

 

The brunette shrugged.

 

“That and the fact that you’re ok looking,” she said in a flat voice, biting back a smile. 

 

The blonde rolled her eyes.

 

“Next to you, everyone is just ok looking.”

 

The CEO let out a laugh.

 

“Smooth words, Ms Danvers. Very smooth,” the brunette said slyly, her eyes raking up and down Kara’s form in a way that made the blonde feel hot.

 

“That’s just how I roll,” she managed to stutter out, Lena’s smirk deepening at the clear effect her gaze was having on her.

 

Still, the brunette didn’t comment on the other woman’s flushed face but continued to walk along the path casting Kara sidelong glances.

 

After a few torturous minutes, the blonde finally spoke.

 

“So… it’s been three months now,” she drawled, trying to sound casual.

 

The brunette gave her a confused work, but amusement was dancing in her eyes.

 

“Three months..?” She queried.

 

A vein in Kara’s forehead twitched.

 

“Since we got back together,” she replied.

 

The brunette looked surprised.

 

“Has it? I didn’t realise,” she replied.

 

Kara rolled her eyes.

 

“Sure you didn’t…,” she said with a frustrated face, before continuing to press forward. 

 

"But I was thinking…. we’ve been doing a lot of hand-holding-“

 

Lena cut in with a serious nod.

 

“Lot’s of hand-holding.”

 

“And heaps of dates-“

 

“A ridiculous amount, I agree.”

 

“You know… and we’ve been communicating very well-“

 

“Very, very well.”

 

Kara pulled them to a stop and levelled the grinning Lena with a glare.

 

“Will you shut up for two seconds? And wipe that smirk off your face.”

 

The brunette shrugged but continued to smile.

 

“I enjoy watching you flounder and dance around the question.”

 

The blonde rolled her eyes.

 

“Haha… very funny. Look… I was thinking,” she said, trailing off as she looked down at the ground. "If you want to… maybe you could stay over tonight? Only if you want to,” she said in a hurried voice.

 

The blonde felt cool fingers underneath her chin that forced her to look up and into Lena’s now concerned eyes. 

 

“Are you sure?” She asked gently. “I don’t want you to feel rushed.”

 

Kara shook her head.

 

“You’re not, I’m the one asking.”

 

The brunette smiled at that and tilted her head slightly.

 

“Well… I’m not going to say no… but not tonight.”

 

At that sentence, Kara blinked rapidly and took a half-step back.

 

“What?” She asked.

 

The brunette smirked again.

 

“I’m not done wooing you yet,” she teased.

 

The blonde let out a loud groan.

 

“Oh my God, you’re really doing this to me?” She whined.

 

The brunette shrugged.

 

“Tit for tat, darling.”

 

Kara watched her carefully and grimaced.

 

“…how long are you going to draw the pain out?”

 

The brunette watched her for a few seconds before her eyes turned thoughtful and an excited smile graced her face.

 

“Are you free tomorrow at six?” she asked.

 

“Yes,” Kara responded immediately.

 

The brunette nodded, a satisfied look on her face. 

 

“Good, I’ll pick you up. And make sure you bring a jacket.”

 

* * *

 

Kara stepped out of the elevator, nearly stumbling on a lip on the floor in her blindfolded state only being steadied by Lena’s firm hand on her arm keeping her up.

 

“Lena, where are we going?” The blonde asked, a hint of frustration running through her voice.

 

At six o’clock on the dot, Lena had turned up on her doorstep with a blindfold. Maggie and Alex, who were dogsitting for the night had left the blonde’s ears burning at all their comments. Once they entered the car, the brunette had insisted that Kara wear the blindfold she had brought and wouldn’t tell the blonde anything about where they were going.

 

“For the fiftieth time, it’s a surprise,” she said with a laugh. “Can’t you just let me be a little bit mysterious?”

 

The blonde shrugged, even as Lena pushed her forward to keep walking.

 

“Well sure,” she answered. “I just don’t want you getting all fanciful notions.”

 

“Notions about what?” Lena replied.

 

“That your surprises will ever be better than mine.”

 

The blonde felt Lena poke her in the back hard enough to push her forward half a step.

 

“Is this just because I’ve proven to be the far superior wooer?” Lena answered, twisting the blonde’s body in a different direction. “I mean really, Kara. You can’t be too hard on yourself. After all, you were limited by resources.”

 

The blonde gasped at the notion.

 

“Excuse me, my wooing was fantastic. And, it isn’t about the quantity of something. If the quality is lacking, whatever gesture you make is meaningless,” she finished with a sniff.

 

It was Lena’s turn to gasp.

 

“Are you trying to tell me that my gestures are meaningless?”

 

The blonde smirked.

 

“Well, I didn’t want to say anything…”

 

Lena wrapped her arms around the other woman’s waist, pressing herself close enough so she could whisper into the blonde’s ear.

 

“I’ll pretend that you didn’t just rip my heart out of my chest then, shall I?” She purred in a low voice that sent a shiver down the blonde’s spine before stepping backwards. 

 

“Now come on, we’re at the right spot.”

 

Kara shook herself out, trying to chase away the electricity the brunette’s words sent through her body.

 

“Where are we?” She asked again.

 

Lena grabbed the back of the blonde’s blindfold.

 

“Just… wait… two…. seconds! Ta da!”

 

Lena pulled the blonde’s blindfold off, and Kara blinked as she adjusted to the light. She was standing on a half-built and windowless floor, looking over the cityscape as the sunset. The site of it made the blonde’s jaw drop slightly.

 

“This, darling,” Lena said with a smile. "Is my new office. Well, it will be my new office once the refurbishments are done.”

 

The brunette wrapped her arms around the blonde woman’s waist again.

 

"But… it does have the second best view in the city.”

 

“What’s the first?” Kara asked curiously.

 

At the lack of reply, the blonde tilted her head to see that the green-eyed woman’s eyes were locked on her’s. 

 

The blonde let out a snort.

 

“Oh God, that was a terrible line,” she said with a laugh.

 

The brunette smiled and nuzzled her nose into the blonde’s neck.

 

“Made you blush though, didn’t it?” She whispered against Kara’s skin, before pulling away again and leaving the blonde blushing fiercely. The taller woman coughed to try and break the tension and turned to look back at the smirking brunette with an unsteady smile. 

 

“So this is the grand date? You showing me your future office? Tsk tsk, Lena. You don’t even have a desk for me to bend you-“

 

Lena groaned and rushed forward to press a single finger against the blonde’s lips. 

 

“Ok, let’s just… table… that thought for the moment,” she said with a smile, before turning Kara so she could see the picnic blanket that had been laid out on the floor. 

 

“I’ll have you know that I am well prepared for a fantastic feast!”

 

The blonde grinned widely and rushed to sit down so she could inhale the smell of the food.

 

“Pizza! Potstickers!”

 

The brunette chuckled, and sat down on the floor next to her and opened the first container, passing it to the blonde with a smile.

 

“I’ll take that sudden burst of enthusiasm as a positive sign?”

 

Kara speared a potsticker with a fork.

 

“Definitely.”

 

They ate slowly, well as slowly as Kara ever ate and after all the food was finished the blonde watched with a smile as the sun set slowly again and the lights if the city turned on.

 

“This is..,” the blonde said breathlessly. “Beautiful.”

 

Lena watched her with a soft grin.

 

“It’s awe-inspiring. Just like you,” she replied.

 

The taller woman scooted over and behind the brunette, pulling Lena back against her so she could rest her chin on the green-eyed woman’s shoulder and wrap her arms around her tightly. They both watched the lights turn on silently, breaths in sync while Lena rubbed slow circle on the back of the blonde woman’s hands. After a few minutes, the brunette let out a heavy breath before speaking in a soft voice. 

 

“Are you happy, Kara? With me?” She asked vulnerably.

 

The blonde smiled into Lena’s neck, tightening her grip tp reassure the other woman.

 

“I’m so happy, Lena,” she whispered back. “The last two months have been… It’s like we’re really living our lives.”

 

The brunette let out a breath.

 

“Yeah, I’m happy too,” she said in a calmer voice.

 

A few more minutes passed before Lena spoke again.

 

“Where do you see yourself in twenty years?”

 

Kara blinked at the out of the blue question but considered it seriously before allowing a smile to grace her face.

 

“I don’t know… Famous author, award-winning journalist, probably forty more dogs, mega hot CEO girlfriend. Just basic stuff.”

 

Lena let out a laugh.

 

“That all sounds achievable if you ask me.”

 

The blonde squeezed her arms briefly.

 

“And what about you, huh?” She asked. “Where do you want to be in twenty years?”

 

The brunette took a breath but paused long enough to make Kara frown slightly. After a few slow seconds, she finally spoke in a light-hearted voice.

 

“Oh, you know… famous author, award-winning journalist, forty plus dogs and a mega hot CEO girlfriend.”

 

Kara tilted her head slightly.

 

“Oh really? Interested in writing now are we?”

 

Lena shifted her head so she could look at the blonde with a raised eyebrow.

 

“I’ve been told my letters are above par.”

 

The blonde smirked.

 

“Well, I didn’t want to be rude,” she teased.

 

The brunette gasped dramatically.  


 

“Alas, I’ll always have my corporate career to keep me warm at night.”

 

The blonde’s eyes darkened and she pressed herself closer.

 

“I’m pretty good at that too,” she whispered huskily.

 

The brunette let out a laugh before pushing herself away, much to Kara’s annoyance. Lena turned around so she was on all fours and leaning close to Kara’s face.

 

“Frisky are we?” She whipped, before tilting back and away. “Now, now… it’s your turn to wait.”

 

Kara groaned.

 

“Are you kidding me?”

 

Lena smirked.

 

“Mmmm, you’ll have to wait and see…” she laughed out. “You know, I’m really enjoying being on the other side of the fence. I had no idea it was this much fun!”

 

The blonde glared at her girlfriend.

 

“You’re pure evil.”

 

The brunette shrugged. 

 

“Well, I am a Luthor,” she said with an eyebrow before lifting the top of the picnic basket to pull out another container.

 

“Come on now, stop eye fucking me for a bit. The tiramisu is getting warm.”

 

The blonde’s mood picked up at that, and even her stomach grumbled loudly.

 

“Did you make it?” She asked eagerly.

 

The brunette gave her a disparaging look.

 

“Of course, darling. Romantic evening and all,” she answered before handing over a spoon.

 

The blonde took it eagerly and dove into the dessert like a starved dog.

 

“You’ve made me so much food the last couple of months I’m starting to think you’re fattening m up for something,” she sounded out through swallows.

 

“Hardly, darling..,” Lena purred out. “I just like watching you lick a spoon.”

 

Kara groaned again and rolled her eyes.

 

“Oh my God, I thought I was supposed to concentrate on eating?”

 

Lena didn’t answer, and when Kara looked up to face her the brunette was just staring at her with raised eyebrows and a smirk. The blonde took a moment, before realising what she said and blushing hard.  


“….and I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

 

The brunette laughed again.

 

“You most certainly did darling.”

 

* * *

 

Kara gave Lena a final lingering kiss, before rolling off her and laying on her back waiting for her heartbeat to slow down.

 

“Well that was fucking incredible,” she breathed out with a smile.

 

Lena sighed happily herself and twisted so that she could press another kiss against the blonde’s bare shoulder.

 

“Good to see everything is still smooth sailing in that department,” she said in a soft voice.

 

The blonde frowned and turned her head to stare down at her girlfriend.

 

“Smooth sailing?” She questioned.

 

Lena arched an eyebrow.

 

“Well, what analogy would you use?”

 

The blonde shrugged.

 

“I don’t know… it was as cool as a cucumber.”

 

Lena burst into laughter.

 

“Hey, don’t laugh at me!” Kara demanded, unable to stop her own grin at the pure happiness radiating off the brunette.

 

Lena’s laughter died down, but she still sported a wide grin.

 

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

 

Kara twisted so she captured her girlfriend's lips in a deep kiss.

 

“You’re lucky you’re beautiful,” she replied once she had pulled away. "Otherwise it’s usually pretty awkward if someone starts to laugh when they’re lying naked next to me.”

 

“Happen to you are lot does it?” Lena said with a smirk.

 

Kara grabbed the brunette’s wrists and pulled them above her head and half rolling on top of Lena spoke in a low growl.

 

“Shut up.”

 

Lena smirked against her lips.

 

“Make me,” she whispered.

 

Kara was barely able to brush their lips together when the atmosphere was broken by the sound of the doorbell ringing. 

 

“Ughh, who could be visiting right now?” She said with a groan, before rolling off the brunette.

 

Lena gave her a smile before slipping out from the sheets and pulling on her scattered clothes. 

 

“I needed a few documents messaged over to sign for the new building,” she replied, pulling her hair back into a messy ponytail.

 

Kara sat up in the bed, watching Lena as she moved.

 

“At night?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

Lena smiled and leaned over the bed and pressed a quick kiss to the blonde’s lips.

 

“CEO’s darling, we never sleep,” she said, before walking away. 

 

She stopped at the doorway, a turned back to face her girlfriend and gave her a sultry wink.

 

“Don’t move, I'll be back in a few.”

 

The blonde smiled and fell back again the bed with a content smile on her face. She spent the next few minutes playing in her mind everything that she wanted to her girlfriend once she returned. After a while though, her thoughts began to drift again and she turned to look at her phone with a frown. A few more minutes passed before Kara sat up wrapped the sheet around herself and walked down the hall. 

 

“Hey, babe? How long are you going to-“

 

She stopped talking abruptly and she gripped the sheet tighter around herself. Lena and her mother turned away from the obviously heated discussion they were having. Lillian looked her over, her eyes trailing judgementally over her figure, lingering on her clenched fists holding the sheet to her body.

 

“Lena, it appears I’ve interrupted something,” Lillian said in a poison-laced voice. “Yet another self-destructive romp? Hallmark moments in your life after all.”

 

The blonde flushed at the words, but she remained firmly rooted to the spot and unable to speak a word. All she could feel was a flare of panic overtake her body.

 

Lena stepped forward at that, moving in between her mother’s line of sight.

 

“Don’t talk to her like that, mother,” she growled out.

 

The older woman turned her cold eyes back to her daughter.

 

“And why not?”

 

The brunette positively bristled at that and took a step forward towards her mother.

 

“Because she’s my girlfriend. And she, unlike you, is welcome in my home.”

 

Kara finally snapped out of her rigidity and moved forward with all the grace she could muster. She stood next to Lena and fixed Lillian with a steely look.

 

“Lena… is everything ok here?” She asked.

 

The older woman’s look filled with even more disdain and her eyes drifted over the blonde to face her daughter.

 

“Surely you and I can speak alone, Lena. Without… the rabble.”

 

The brunette sneered.

 

“I told you not to-“

 

Kara put a hand on Lena’s shoulder and gripped it tightly before cutting her off.

 

“Why are you here?” She demanded.

 

Lillian raised her eyebrows.

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

The blonde’s frown deepened. 

 

“I said, why are you here?”

 

Lillian scrutinised her like she was a bug on a windshield.

 

“To talk to my daughter, not that that is any of your business.”

 

The blonde took another step forward.

 

“It is my business if you think you can come in here a fuck up everything in your path-“

 

Lena cut her off by placing a gentle hand against the small of her back.

 

“Kara, it’s ok,” she said gently.

 

The blonde turned her head, taking in Lena’s pained face making her heart soften.

 

Lillian’s face, on the other hand, dawned in understanding as she looked over Kara once again, slowly. After a few seconds, she rocked back on her heels and let out a derisive laugh.

 

“Kara…? Oh no, isn’t this just the most delightful twist of fate,” she said, giving the blonde a contemptuous look. 

 

"I remember you now. You’re that barista who brought me coffee. Too good to work at LutherCorp,” she said, her eyes darting back to her daughter. “But evidently not above sleeping with its CEO. Or former CEO as it were.”

 

Before Kara could reply, Lens stepped forward once again. 

 

“Watch your tone, mother. I’ll not take to you insulting my girlfriend,” she snarled out.

 

Lilian’s eyes snapped with fire.

 

“Don’t know how long she’ll hang around now that you’re spiralling one again? Maybe she’ll last longer than the last one.”

 

Kara’s face flushed.

 

“You poisonous-“

 

She felt a tug on the back of her sheet again.

 

“Kara. Please,” she whispered out.

 

The blonde turned around again.

 

“Lena-“ she tried to say pleadingly before she was cut off once again.

 

The brunette pulled her back.

 

“I can handle this,” Lena whispered out, her eyes demanding. “Please, just… let me talk to her.”

 

The blonde absorbed her girlfriend’s expression and while her anger at Lillian didn’t disappear, it deflated slightly. She pushed her own feelings aside and took a step back.

 

“Fine,” she breathed out, before giving Lena a long and lingering look, and Lillian a warning one, before turning and walking away.

 

Still, when she rounded the corner of the hallway she couldn’t help but linger. And as much as she knew it was probably wrong, she stopped to listen to the rest of the conversation.

 

“Quite a guard dog you’re investing in,” Lillian said in a disdainful voice.

 

“Kara isn’t an investment mother,” Lena bit back.

 

The blonde heard the sound of a snort.

 

“Please, I can smell gold digger a mile off.”

 

There was a slam that echoed through the apartment, and Kara imagined Lena hitting the edge of a table with her hand.

 

“Don’t you dare call her that,” she shouted out. “Kara one of the most honourable, trustworthy people I have ever met in my life. She’s helped me more in the year I’ve known her than you have in my entire life. And regardless of anything else, she is going to be in my life for a lot longer than you will ever be.”

 

Lillian sighed dramatically.

 

“And here I came all this way to make sure you didn’t destroy your life any more than you already have,”

 

Kara’s fists clenched at Lillian’s words.

 

“Oh… I see what this is about. You found out about the deal with Wayne Enterprises. Two months and you haven’t bothered to contact me, but now that you realise I might be competition… here you are.”

 

There was a clack of heels.

 

“I came because it has become clear that you actually intend to see this ridiculous attempt at rebellion through.”

 

Lena let out a laugh.

 

“And what rebellion is that, mother? Living my life on my terms? Being happy? Not allowing you to control my leash?”

 

“You’ve spat on everything you’ve been given,” Lillian hissed out. “The family name and legacy you have been gifted, and for what? A meaningless startup that will fail in five years? Luther Corp is powerful and has ties across the globe-“

 

“Ties across the globe or to the fucking moon, mother. I don’t care,” Lena interrupted with a yell. 

 

“I want to work somewhere where integrity means something. Where morals mean something. Where I can actually spend two minutes in the company of my peers without feeling the urgent need to vomit. And what is this, mother? This need to come here and berate me? What are you hoping to achieve? Insult me enough and I might come running in back out of fear? Or are you so furious that I have removed myself from your control, also removing myself from your scorn, that you have to chase after it for your fix? Or is it all that and more. Do you truly despise me so much that you can’t even leave me alone to live my life in peace? Is me being happy such a disgusting thought to you?”

 

Kara held her breath, waiting for Lillian’s reply which came out dripping with mockery.

 

“As ever, you utilise not even a tenth of your intelligence. You’ve always been this way, weak and corruptible by sentiment. So fearful of all that our name brings that you have to debase yourself to ‘find yourself’. Finding yourself people who adopt you into their pack so you don’t feel ‘lonely’. But to be a Luthor is to be alone. You think yourself in love, do you? Of course, you do, I can see it in your eyes.Love is a weakness that can be used to exploit you. And you’ve always been… vulnerable. But you need it like an addict needs drugs.”

 

“There are worse things to be addicted to,” Lena replied.

 

Lillian continued on, seemingly disregarding everything her daughter was saying.

 

“And when it’s gone? What then? Will we all have another road about of you falling on your face and crawling back to the company? A barista of all people, Lena…. Just like your father. He too enjoyed slumming it.”

 

“I love her, mother!” Lena screamed out, shocking even Kara at her volume. “And yes, if we broke up I would be devastated precisely because I love her. But I don’t need her like I need air, food or water. I don’t need her like I need shelter. So yes, if she left or things ended I would be adrift. But now I know I could keep walking. My existence and value in life aren’t defined by another person. It wasn’t by you, father of Lex. It wasn’t by any of my old friends or Veronica. It isn’t by my new family and isn’t by Kara. But mark my words, I would fight to the bone for her precisely because I don’t need her. But because I want her. She means everything to me. Kara is good and kind and generous. She has the biggest heart and the soul of a poet. And my God, I can see the stars when I look in her eyes. So don’t you dare say to me that I’m slumming it by being with her. She graces me by choosing to be with me.” 

 

There was a pause, and Kara realised that a few silent tears had begun to run down her face at what she had overheard Lena say. The blonde’s rage at Lillian battled with the intense swell of love she felt for her girlfriend rising in her chest. And that unnameable emotion that had burned brighter and brighter in her heart for the past few weeks grew a little stronger.

 

“You really are just like her, you know?” Lillian's voice sounded, cutting through Kara’s thoughts.

 

“Just like who, Lilian?” Lena answered in a tired voice.

 

“Your mother. You’re exactly the same.”

 

A silence rung out before Lena spoke in a vulnerable voice.

 

“You knew my mother?”

 

Lilian let out a cold laugh.

 

“You’re well aware that I know of your origins. One of the reasons I have given you so much leeway over the years was because at least if nothing else, you are a Luthor. But now, if it weren’t for the paternity test I demanded, I would seriously begin to doubt it.”

  
“But you knew her?” Lena demanded, her voice choking up.

 

A pregnant pause inflated in the room before Lillian spoke again.

 

“I met her, once. I gave her money to make her go away. Lest she comes crawling into daylight with you on her arm, selling her story to the press so our good name would be dragged through the mud. She didn’t take it. Had the gall to be offended. No, she too thought the sun shined out of your father. The sentimentality oozed out of her.”

 

“You never told me that you knew her,” Lena said, clearly tearing up. “You’ve never told me anything about her! I’ve looked over the years, and all you’ve ever said is that Lionel told you nothing beyond the fact that I was his. You kept this from me?” She said brokenly.

 

“I didn’t want you tainted by the same brush as her. But, as it turns out, blood really is paramount. You are exactly the same. Weak. Pathetic.”

 

Another pause, before Lena spoke in an exhausted voice.

 

“Don’t you ever get tired, Lillian? Of languishing in hate and bitterness? Is it so terrible that I want to be happy now? You accuse me of being weak, but I know I am far stronger than you. I battle with my mind every single day, and every single day I win. You’re nothing, compared to that.”

 

Lillian laughed cruelly.

 

“Ah, yes. Now you consider yourself ‘a survivor’. As if your own actions didn’t cause the mess in your life. This new trend of never taking responsibility for your own failings. Your own weakness. Instead of forging ahead, you linger with the common masses. Gathering in your groups to talk whine about your traumatic lives, and how terrible it is to have no drive. No ambition. Not your fault, never your fault. It’s something in your head. Excuses for your inability to cut it in the real world. Then you live your lives never giving back anything of use, and living off the state because of your so-called ‘disabilty’. And this is the community that you are ‘proud’ to be a part of? My God, girl. You really are a disgrace to the name Luthor.”

 

Kara took a sharp breath at the words and fought every instinct that she had to not walk around the corner and throw Lillian out on her ear.

 

“Don’t tell me what a Luthor is,” Lena said, pausing Kara’s thoughts. “And don’t sit on your high horse above it all. You have no idea what it’s like to live like this. To feel so alone and lost in the world. Like nothing you do will ever be good enough. And the whole world is just like you. People who will only ever look at me with disdain, derision and disappointment. And I’m just supposed to suffer in silence and carry on? Because ‘everyone has it tough’? I have a medical condition, Lillian. Whether on not you choose to believe it, doesn't make it any less true. Some people choose to believe cancer doesn’t exist either. Just because you’ve never been turned down from a job because of the colour of your skin, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Just because you haven’t experiences sexism, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just because you’ve never been spat at on the street because you kissed the woman you love, doesn’t mean ‘it’s nothing to kick up a fuss for’. One day soon, people who think like you will be placed in their correct spot in history. Along with all the other bigoted idiots on this planet. We suffer in silence every day of our lives, and now you're offended because we dare talk about it out loud? Shame on you, and everything you stand for. Lex is dead because we didn’t take his schizophrenia. Because you refused to admit it to yourself and because I was too weak to do the right thing. And now he’s dead. And me? The only child, however reluctant you may be about it, tried to kill themselves. You didn’t even visit me in the hospital. I tried to kill myself, and you shamed me for it.”

 

“It is shameful,” Lillian spat out. “You think you should be rewarded because you tried to take your own life? It is the most selfish act you can possibly do to the people around you. But you don’t believe that, do you? Now that you’ve been brainwashed into the new age mentality. It’s easy to feel like that until you know the pain of being on the other side.”

 

There was a beat before Lena spoke.

 

“What are you talking about, Lillian?”

 

“I’m talking about your mother. We told you she died in an accident, didn’t we? Because we knew the reality and we wanted to spare you the truth.”

 

Another pause and Kara had a sinking feeling in her stomach.

 

“What truth?” Lena whispered.

 

The instant Lillian began to speak, Kara closed her eyes in pain at the words.

 

“That your mother overdosed on a bottle of sleeping pills, leaving you and a suicide note behind. You were sleeping at a friend of her’s house because she told them she had to work the night shift. But she killed herself. You accuse me of being selfish? Because I pushed you and Lex to be the best you could be? Because I refused to coddle the same behaviour that killed your mother? She was weak and selfish. She had a child, but did she care? No. She left you behind with an unknown future all because ‘she couldn’t take it anymore’. And now that you know the truth, you’re really going to tell me you aren’t angry? That it doesn’t burn you inside? That it won’t haunt you for the rest of your life? Maybe now, you’ll realise the horror of what you tried to do. At least you didn’t have a child to abandon, only your bitch of a mother who fed you, clothed you. Gave you the best education in the world, and a portion of power and respect. But no, that wasn’t good enough for you. No reason for you to live. How does it feel, knowing that you weren’t reason enough for her to live?”

 

The blonde couldn’t take it anymore, she turned the corner with a furious expression and marched towards the pair.

 

“Get out,” she snarled out once she reached Lena’s shoulder.

 

She stared down at the older woman, radiating every ounce of disgust she never thought she could feel out and towards her. Lillian stared up at her, her own eyes flashing/

 

“How dare you-“ she tried to say but was interrupted once again by the blonde.

 

“Get the fuck out,” she enunciated every word with rage.

 

Kara turned her eyes to face Lena, who was as white as a sheet and looked shocked to her core.

 

“I’m sorry, baby. I swore to myself I wouldn’t interfere, but I love you too much to let her speak to you like that.”

 

Kara rubbed away a single tear that had leaked from the brunette’s eyes, before turning back to face Lillian.

 

“Get the fuck out, lady,” she spat once again. “I don’t care if you’re the richest woman in this city, country or the god damn world, just get the fuck out. Do you even have a heart? Have you actually checked for it? What are you hoping to achieve here apart from causing the maximum amount of pain you possibly can? You cold, cruel bitch. She is your daughter! And she deserves so much better than you. GET THE FUCK OUT! GO! Maybe one day you’ll realise that you’ve nuclear blasted the only person in your life left that could have cared about you.”

 

A ringing since echoed at the end of her words. Lillian didn’t appear to be affected by her words, beyond the veil of anger that came across her face.

 

“You idiotic child. You think you’re impressive? You think you know her? You know nothing at all. I could tell you stories-“

 

Kara stepped in front of Lena protectively, 

 

“I’m not interested in your stories. I just want your poison away from the woman that I love. She doesn’t need you anymore. Lena had a family. People who love her and would take bullets for her. People that showed up and were fucking there for her when she needed it. They way you should have been. Now, I’ll say it one more time before I call the police. GET OUT!”

 

The words rung once more in the air, but Lillian didn’t respond this time and instead stared at her briefly before turning on her heel and exiting the apartment, slamming the door on her way out.

 

After the sound receded, Kara turned around only to be pulled into a tight hug.

 

“Baby… I’m so sorry,” the blonde whispered out against the blonde’s neck.

 

Lena let out a shuddering sigh.

 

“What have you got to apologise for?” She said tearily. "That was… thank you for what you did.”

 

Kara pulled away so that she could stare into her girlfriend’s eyes properly.

 

“It’s my job. I love you so much, Lena. You have to know that I would never let anyone talk to you like that. You’re worth so much more than that, baby. You’re so strong and so brave. And you’ve worked so damn hard for everything in your life. You’re my hero.”

 

Lena had begun to cry at the blonde’s words.

 

“And you’re mine, Kara,” she whispered before rubbing at her tears furiously.

 

“Oh, baby,” the blonde whispered out. “It’s ok to cry.”

 

The brunette let out a broken laugh.

 

“I’m just… I didn’t know. About my birth mom. I didn’t… I don’t know how to feel about it.”

 

The blonde’s face flooded with sympathy.

 

“It was a lot to take in, Lena,” she said with softly, cupping her girlfriend’s head in her hands. “You were just hit with an atom bomb of emotional shit.”

Lena shook her head and looked past Kara, her eyes filled with pain. 

 

“I don’t… I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about it right now. I don’t really have the words.”

 

Kara nodded and gave Lena a small smile.

 

“Ok, baby. No pressure.”

 

The brunette stepped away from the blonde and moved to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water. Kara watched her carefully, unsure whether she should say something or not. Wondering what she would say. 

 

Finally, her thoughts were broken when Lena looked up at her with a week smile.

 

“I just… I think I’m going to call my psychologist. I think I need to move up our session.”

 

Kara’s shoulders relaxed slightly.

 

“I think that’s a great idea, babe.”

 

* * *

 

Lena was breathing slowly against her chest, while Kara rubbed small circles against her back and stared up at the ceiling. Her mind was lost in thought, trying to digest her own confusing emotions from the night and worrying terribly about Lena’s which must be at least a hundred times worse than her own. 

 

“Do you think she loved me?” Lena’s voice sounded out breaking through Kara’s own scattered thoughts.

 

The way she said it, Kara instantly knew who she was talking about and her heart filled with pain. The blonde couldn’t even imagine what it would have been like to doubt that her mother loved her or that Eliza loved her. And Lena already had to go through the pain of having Lillian in her life for as long as she could remember, but the one thing she had clung to in her heart was the fact that her birth mother loved her. It was a single thought that Lena had inexplicably wrapped and built her whole identity around. And now she wasn’t even sure of that.

 

Kara’s heart bled for her.

  
“How couldn’t she, Lena,” she whispered out.

 

The brunette sighed and pressed a little closer to the blonde.

 

“I know it sounds hypocritical,” she breathed out again. “And it’s probably exactly what Lillian wanted… but a part of me is so angry at her. I keep imagining a life that could have been. One that she stole from me, doing what she did. When I tried to… I wasn’t leaving behind a child. Or a girlfriend.”

 

Kara turned her head to look down at the brunette before she whispered put her reply. 

 

“I don’t think it’s healthy to compare these things, Lena. You and your birth mother are completely different people and you don’t know the circumstances that led to her choice. You know, better than everyone, that we all had our reasons for doing or trying to do that. The darkness you feel… The loneliness. And for what it’s worth, if you had died it would have hurt people. In the present and in the future. I would never have had the honour of getting to fall in love with you. Your friends would never have met you. Jack wouldn’t have seen you again. And even Sam… well, I don’t know if she would have opened up to anyone else on the planet. I mean, I can’t wrap my head around it entirely because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with her-“

 

“I get the feeling she likes that you feel that way,” Lena replied, and Kara’s heart warmed to hear the humour in her voice.

 

“Oh I know she does,” Kara responded lightly. “She doesn’t do anything for just one reason, and she would’ve known that you would tell me about it. Make me feel sorry for her… Which of course I bloody do now.”

 

“She’s not all bad-“

 

The blonde let out an exaggerated groan that made the brunette laugh.

 

“Don’t say I told you so. But really, Lena. You can’t change the past. And your mother… if she didn’t love you she wouldn’t have made you stay with a friend that night.”

 

Lena let out a breath, and the lightheartedness disappeared from the air between them. It took a few minutes before the brunette spoke again in a broken voice.

 

“I’m scared now. That I’m… infected. What if… Kara, I want to have children someday. What if I give them this? I can’t… I couldn’t do that to an innocent child. Make them go through what I did.”

 

Kara heard Lena’s fears, and she felt them echo her own. It wasn’t something they had ever really talked about before.

 

“It scares me too, Lena,” Kara admitted. “I don’t want our kids to be depressives or have bipolar. But I also don’t want them to have cancer. I wouldn't wish a difficult life on them, because I know how hard it is to live with my disease. But, if you’re looking for a reason not to have children… Well, just like with cancer, how can we know for sure that they will have it? And if they do have bipolar or depression of anything, we’ll be there for them every step of the way. They have an advantage over some children because we know the warning signs. And we know how to help them. And we’re going to remain as educated as fuck about it because we know for sure how dangerous it is to drop the ball on that. They also say a large part of it could be environmental. So we’ll keep our eyes firmly open to make sure that they have a fucking great childhood. Will we be perfect? Of course not. But will any kid of ours know from the moment that they are born that they are loved and wanted and fucking needed on this earth? Of fucking course. We’ll have a great support network. For us, and for them. A village to raise a child and all that. So yes, we’re going to make them get their vaccinations and brush their teeth. But we’re also going to have that conversation about mental health from day dot too.”

 

There was a pause before Lena whispered out in disbelief.

 

“I… did you say ‘our’ kids?”

 

The blonde felt her heart skip a beat and a hint of mortification run through her body.

 

“I’m… if you want that, I didn’t mean to.. you know… I just,” she stuttered out, feeling flushed. 

 

“Wow is it getting hot in here?”

 

The brunette stopped her speaking by pressing a cool hand against the blonde’s face, forcing her to look at her once again.

 

“Kara, I love you with all my heart,” she whispered out.“And I know you’ll be a fantastic mother.”

 

She said it with feeling, but the blonde could still see the hint of fear in her eyes. Kara moved to rest her forehead against the brunettes.

 

“You won’t be like your mother, Lena,” she whispered out. “Either of them. You’re your own person, and their story isn’t yours. So if you want to learn more about your mom, I’ll be here for you every step of the way. But don’t be too angry at her.”

 

Lena let out a shaky breath.

 

“Why not?”

 

The blonde gave her a small smile.

 

“Because without her, I never would have gotten you.”

 

The brunette smiled back, but her eyes still seemed lost.

 

“Is it horrible of me… that right now saying that still doesn’t stop it hurting?”

 

Kara pressed a soft kiss against Lena’s forehead, before replying in a kind voice.

 

“No, baby. That’s not horrible at all. I just wanted you to know.”

 

Lena didn’t answer for a minute.

 

“My birth mother killed herself and the woman who adopted me it…. well, you’ve seen her in action.”

 

The blonde rubbed the brunette’s back reassuringly.

 

“Your formative years weren’t blessed with luck.”

 

Lena sighed.

 

“It’s just, all this time I’ve been able to shoulder Lillian’s disdain even when it hurt because deep down I had this belief that my mother, that she loved me. And that she would never have left me if she had a choice. And now I know that she killed herself and…”

 

Kara hesitated before speaking again.

 

“Have you ever considered that maybe… well, you’ve told me Lillian isn’t exactly honest.”

 

The brunette shook her head.

 

“No, this was true. She wouldn’t have used it as a lance if it wasn’t. But…. It’s hard to see myself in a memory of a woman. Someone I never really knew. I clung onto the fleeting memories of her loving me that I have, but I’ve spent all my life trying to find a connection with her. My father told me once that I looked like her, but now that I know what she did I just…. How can it be this confusing?”

 

Kara sighed out, angry at herself for not knowing what to do.

 

“I don’t know how to help you, baby, beyond telling you that…. I think your mother would be incredibly proud of the woman you’ve become. In fact, I know she would be. Because if your mother is like you in the parts of yourself that scare you, then I don’t doubt that she was like you in the ways that make you incredible. To know you, is to know her in a way. And if she was even a shadow of the incredibly kind, generous, intelligent, funny, beautiful and hands down best chef that you are… well, she must have been pretty amazing. And if she even had only a tenth of the love you give to the people around you, then I know she loved you.”

 

Lena stared up at her and a single tear leaked and ran down her face. 

 

“You have a way of helping me realign my world,” she whispered out. “Kara. I don’t know how you do it, but it is truly amazing.”

 

The blonde felt her own heart swell, and that unnamed emotion began to run over and fill up her whole chest.

 

“I have to keep my promise, don’t I?” She whispered out. “All the good days.”

 

Lena breathed out her reply.

 

“Every single one.”

 

The emotion bubbled up and exploded out and over her chest.

 

“Lena, I think….”

 

_I think I want to spend the rest of my life with you._

 

The thought, the unnamed emotion, finally named. The feeling that she had for Lena that she didn’t know how handle finally made sense. The blonde wanted to spend the rest of her life with her. 

 

Kara wanted to marry her.

 

“What do you think, Kara?” Lena’s voice sounded out, cutting through the blonde’s thoughts.

 

The blue-eyed woman opened her mouth to speak, but the crashing waves of today’s emotions both up and down stopped her from speaking what she really wants to say at that moment. 

 

“I think…. that I love you more and more every day,” she said instead.

 

Lena smiled up at her.

 

“So do I, darling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, what do we think?


	31. Difficult Roads Often Lead To Beautiful Destinations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok people. The SECOND LAST CHAPTER!!!!!!

Lena ran her fingers over the chrome sign with a smile.

 

L-Corp.

 

The official name of her new company.

 

It wasn’t everyday dreams became realised.

 

The newly minted CEO dropped the sign down on her desk and leant back in her new office chair, swivelling so she could look out over the city. She couldn’t recall a single time in her life when she had been this singularly happy with her job. The CEO had so many plans, ready to be launched into reality. Her enthusiasm for her work was even higher than it had been when she had left college, ready to make her mark at Luthor Corp. A small part of her was slightly wistful that she couldn’t have fulfilled her old dream of turning her old company around. But most of that was tied into her need to earn her place and her name.

 

And now she wanted more than that.

 

Lena’s thoughts drifted to Kara and a smile graced her face.

 

Not everyday dreams became realised. 

 

* * *

 

“I can’t believe you haven’t seen the final season of Game of Thrones!”

 

Lena glanced up from the television, annoyed to have her viewing interrupted, and poked the blonde hard in the side. 

 

“I told you after I caught up after leaving the hospital I wouldn’t watch the final season without you,” she grumbled.

 

Kara grinned down at her in amusement.

 

“But we spent all that time apart! Is this you being sentimental?” She teased with a raised eyebrow.

 

Lena narrowed her eyes at the blonde.

 

“Did you watch the final season?” She asked.

 

The blonde opened her mouth and hesitated before replying.

 

“…no.”

 

The brunette smirked.

 

“And why did you wait to watch it?” 

 

Kara shrugged and made a show of inspecting her nails.

 

“I’ve been busy,” she said nonchalantly.

 

The CEO watched her for a second with amusement in her eyes before turning to face the television and leaning back into the blonde’s form. 

 

“Uh huh,” she replied.

 

A few minutes passed and the Lena was becoming absorbed in a particularly tense political scene when Kara interrupted her viewing once more.

 

“I didn’t want to watch it without you,” the blonde admitted.

 

The brunette smirked fully, before reaching for the remote and pressing pause and turning so she could face the blushing blonde properly. 

 

“Who’s the sentimental one now?” She teased.

 

Kara rolled her eyes.

 

“Ok, so we’re both sappy fools,” she answered.

 

A few seconds passed as the two watched each other, the brunette’s eyes darting over the blonde’s figure and darkening.

 

Lena tilted her head as an amused smile played at the corner of her mouth.

 

“Why are you staring at me like that?” She asked.

 

The taller woman leaned forward slightly.

 

“Like what?” She said slowly.

 

The CEO laced her arms around her girlfriend’s neck.

 

“Like you’re dying of thirst,” she said huskily, her own eyes raking over Kara’s figure. “And I’m a glass of water.”

 

The blonde shifted forward again.

 

“Maybe because I’m thirsty.”

 

Lena arched an eyebrow.

 

“Thirsty for me?” She asked lazily.

 

And inch forward.

 

“I’m always thirsty for you.”

 

Lena waited until Kara’s lips were a centimetre away from hers, before turning suddenly again and turning the television back on.

 

“Well stop it!” She said demanded. “I’m trying to watch this episode.”

 

The blonde spluttered behind her for a few seconds before shifting so that she could encase Lena in a hug from behind.

 

“We can hit pause,” she whispered in the CEO’s ear.

 

The brunette smiled but shook her head.

 

“No! I refuse to be broken,” she stated.

 

The blonde moved her hand so it trailed down the brunette’s stomach and towards her thigh.

 

“Are you sure?” Kara whispered. “What if I put my hand… here?”

 

The blue-eyed woman shifted her hand further, loosening the button on the CEO’s pants.

 

The brunette squirmed slightly, inadvertently giving Kara more room to work. 

 

“Nope. I feel nothing,” she said with a slight break in her voice.

 

She felt the press of the blonde’s lips against her neck and the CEO tilted her head to the side.

 

“Oh really?” She teased, before slipping her hand underneath Lena’s waistband. “Well, what if I move it just…. a little.”

 

The CEO shuddered, and her eyes fluttered closed.

 

“You won’t… break me,” she panted out.

 

Kara pressed another kiss to her neck.

 

“I don’t know…. that’s what you said last night,” the blonde hummed out.

 

Lena shook her head slightly.

 

“Last night was different,” she breathed out.

 

The taller woman laughed slightly.

 

“Yeah…. you weren’t as thirsty then,” she teased.

 

The brunette shuddered again, before turning abruptly in the blonde’s arms and sitting on her lap. She crashed their lips together, nibbling at the blonde’s lower lip briefly before pulling back with a pop and staring down at Kara with half-lidded eyes. 

 

“Come here,” she whispered out.

 

* * *

 

Maggie opened the door at the third knock and smiled at the brunette.

 

“Hey, Lena. You come to get Barry?” She asked, before opening the door for the CEO to walk through.

 

The brunette nodded, barely able to take two steps before she was attacked by the slobbery and energetic dog in question. She laughed and gave him the attention he so craved, before turning back to look at the psychologist with a smile.

 

“Yeah,” she answered.”Kara would have picked him up but she could be pulled in for a meeting with her editor.”

 

“All good?” Maggie answered.

 

The brunette nodded.

 

“Yeah, I think it was just something about the book launch next week.”

 

The shorter woman moved through the apartment, shifting moving boxes with her feet as she went. 

 

“I still can’t believe she’s publishing a book,” she continued. “I tell you what, she better give me heaps of signed first editions so when she becomes super famous I can see them for buckets of money.”

 

Lena let out a laugh.

 

“I’ll let her know.”

 

Maggie shifted yet another box and began to unpack a stack of books.

 

“And how’re you doing, Lena?” She asked.

 

The brunette gave the other woman a small and tired small.

 

“I’m ok. Working through some things,” she said with a shrug. “But I’m getting there.”

 

The psychologist gave her a beaming smile.

 

“That’s good. You know, you’ve really made me proud. How far you’ve come is inspiring.”

 

Lena shook her head, but a part of her heart warmed at the psychologist’s words.

 

“A testament to your wisdom sensei,” she said with a slight bow.

 

Maggie let out another laugh.

 

“Well, I did think it was a good idea to have friends in high places…. And now I’m looking at a future CEO of a fortune five hundred company. You owe me a few favours now, don’t think I’ll forget it,” she said, wagging her finger in the CEO’s face.

 

Lena nodded seriously.

 

“Whatever you want.”

 

Maggie moved away from her books and shifted into the kitchen, pulling down two mugs from the cupboard.

 

“Come on,” she said with a wave. “Have a cup of coffee before you go.”

 

The brunette conceded with a nod and settled herself down on a barstool while the psychologist busied herself pouring two steaming cups for both of them.

 

“You’re settling in nicely then,” Lena said after they both took a sip.

 

Maggie looked up, a smile gracing her face as her eyes look over the apartment and the stack of unpacked boxes.

 

“Maybe because I’ve actually brought in some decent furniture into this place,” she said with an eye roll. “I swear, sleeping on Alex’s mattress was like sleeping on a rock. I know a firm mattress is supposed to be good for you but honestly…”

 

Lena snorted.

 

“How’s the new job?” She asked.

 

Maggie nodded, her eyes lost in thought.

 

“It’s different. Really different,” she said with a shrug and a smile. “But I guess you guys always did call me a detective.”

 

Lena raised her eyebrows.

 

“Psychological profiling for the police though… That’s got to be intense.”

 

The psychologist laughed.

 

“Well, it helps that I have a super hot FBI agent girlfriend to lean on,” she said with a sly smile.

 

The CEO’s thoughts drifted to Kara.

 

“Yeah, I suppose it does,” she said with a grin. 

 

* * *

 

“And here we go, more paperwork that needs your signature,” Jack said with a groan, dumping the stack of paper on Lena’s desk.

 

The brunette uncapped her pen and pulled the stack towards her, smiling up at her frazzled friend.

 

“You enjoying being my new assistant?” She teased.

 

Jack took a small bow.

 

“Chief Financial Officer and world-class photocopier, at your service.”

 

After all the pages were signed, Lena turned back to face the grinning bearded man. 

 

“You’re looking happy,” she said.

 

The man’s smile widened and he slumped into the seat opposite her.

 

“I just got off the phone with Bruce bloody Wayne who wanted to offer you his personal congratulations on the formation of your company.”

 

The woman smiled back at him.

 

“Our company, Jack. You’ve been as much a part of building this as me,” she said fondly.

 

The man shook his head.

 

“Yeah, but this was your vision and your dream. And look at what you’ve built,” he said, gesturing around the room.

 

Lena looked around too with a wistful look.

 

“It’s pretty impressive, isn’t it?” She said dreamily.

 

She took in the warm features of the room, complete with a stacked bookcase and artwork she commissioned from Clark hanging from the walls. Another change from her old office was the array of photographs on her desk. Featuring all her friends, Barry and Kara. One in particular, of her and her girlfriend’s visit to the beach with Barry last month brought a fond smile to her face. 

 

“When are you going to marry that damn girl,” Jack asked, cutting through the CEO’s thoughts.

 

Lena’s face flushed.

 

“What?” She spluttered out nervously.

 

The man gave her a flat look, his eyebrow arching accusingly.

“Oh don’t play stupid with me, Lena. I’ve known you for a long time and I can tell you’ve got something on your mind. It’s been stressing you, but whenever your shoulders look like they’re about to snap from the tension you look at that photo and deflate faster than a balloon.”

 

The brunette’s face turned even redder.

 

“What has that got to do with-“

 

The man cut her off easily.

 

“Lena, who else would you want to spend the rest of your life with? And don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about it. I caught you looking at rings on the computer the other day.”

 

The blood drained from her face at that, her thoughts swirling in panic as she recalled the time two days ago when she’d drifted in her random googling to pictures of rings online, slamming the computer shut when she noticed her friend entering the room.

 

“I would never buy a ring online!” She exclaimed.

 

The man smiled smugly, and she realised defeatedly that she had confided his suspicion.

 

“No, but you will look at pictures to fantasise about your picket fence life.”

 

Lena’s thoughts fired off like mad, entering through panic and until stress until finally landing on gooey love. She couldn’t lie to herself any longer, she had been thinking about asking for a long time. She’d almost blurted it out to the blonde a numerous number of times now, only reigning herself in at the last minute. Occasionally though, she would poke at the issue in what she thought was a subtle way just the gage her girlfriend’s reaction. But thus far, the other woman hadn’t given her anything concrete to go off.

 

“I’ve been wanting to ask her for months now,” she admitted.

 

Jack’s amused face softened into affection.

 

“Why haven’t you?” He asked.

 

Lena sighed and shrugged.

 

“She wants to take it slowly. I respect that. Christ, we aren’t even living together. I have to let her take the pace on this,” she said firmly, trying to convince herself more than anything.

 

Jack shook his head.

 

“Take it from me, girl’s love confidence. Just sit her down and tell her-“

 

Lena snorted at that.

 

“What? That I love her? That I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her? That when I see my future and my life twenty years from now the first thing I see isn’t my company, or even myself… it’s her. That I want to see the world with her. Dance with her, sing with her… everything in life I want to do with her?”

 

She finished her rant, her face red once more. 

 

Her friend watched her carefully for a minute.

 

“Well, that sounds like a good pitch to me,” he finally said. “I’d say yes.”

 

Lena’s brow furrowed as she looks down at the desk.

 

“I’m worried if I ask, she’ll only say yes because she’s afraid to say no,” she whispered out.

 

Jack reached across the desk and placed a hand over hers comfortingly.

 

“Give Kara her due, Lena. She wouldn’t say yes unless she really wanted to. And it’s obvious to everyone but you what she’ll say.”

 

The brunette shifted back in her seat and waved him away with a hot face.

 

“Oh just go… photocopy something.”

 

* * *

 

“Lena? What are you doing here?”

 

The brunette smiled nervously at Alex, who had her eyebrow raised in question.

 

“I just… I need to talk to you,” she stuttered out.

 

The redhead opened the door wider and gestured for the brunette to come inside the apartment.

 

“Is something wrong with Kara?” She asked as she closed the door.

 

Lena turned around with a panicked look.

 

“No! Nothing like that,” she exclaimed before she hesitated again, wringing her hands together as she stared down at the floor. 

 

“I just… I wanted to ask you if…. Well, I wanted to ask-“

 

Alex cut her off with a groan.

 

“Oh no, please say what I think you’re going to say.”

 

Lena winced but determined to plough on.

 

“I wanted to ask for your blessing. Because I want to ask Kara to-“

 

The redhead cut her off with a yell this time.

 

“Nope! Don’t say it out loud!”

 

The brunette stared at the livid woman, and her sense of confidence disappears into the floor faster than a dropped anchor.

 

Alex didn’t want her to marry Kara.

 

“…oh,” she said in a small voice.

 

The redhead’s eyes widened at the defeated tone, and she rushed to reassure the other woman.

 

“Oh no, it isn’t like that. It’s just there’s a betting pool going on at the moment about which one of you and when you’re going to… ask,” she said with a scheming grin. “And if you just wait a month, I’ll win the pot.”

 

Lena blinked.

 

“Wait,” she said with a wave of her hands “There’s a betting pool about when we’re going to get en-“

 

This time Alex slapped a hand over the CEO’s mouth.

 

“NOPE! If you say it out loud, it officially becomes insider information. I need to win this bet fair and square,” she stated seriously, before letting her hand drop.

 

Lena let out a breath before a small smile grew on her lips.

 

“Well it hardly seems fair at this point…” she answered with a smile.

 

Alex gave her a reluctant nod.

 

“Just promise me nothing is going to happen until next month. And make sure it’s you!” She pleaded.

 

Lena raised her eyebrows.

 

“You bet against your sister?” She asked.

 

The redhead smiled knowingly.

 

“Kara may be all about doing big romantic gestures, but you and I both know how much she loves to be on the receiving end. And as weird as it sounds, I think she’d be the type to fret more about planning it than you. Also, whatever plan she had would probably take four years considering how extravagant she would make it.”

 

The brunette absorbed the other woman’s words.

 

“You really think she wants to marry me?” She asked in a fragile voice.

 

Alex’s face softened.

 

“Lena, who else would she marry? Anyone who looks at the two of you can see-“

 

The CEO groaned loudly.

 

“Why do people keep saying that?” She questioned.

 

The agent laughed.

 

“Because it’s true!”

 

The brunette looked down at the table, her heartwarming at the idea that Kara wanted this too. And that she might be ready for this too. Still, even if Alex was sure…. a part of Lena was still uncertain.

 

She shook out the thoughts and smiled widely at the redhead.

  
“So who was a part of this betting pool?” She asked,

 

Alex hummed and looked up at the ceiling.

 

“Oh, you know… not many people,” she said casually.

 

Lena levelled her with a look.

 

“Alex,” she said sternly.

 

The redhead let out a sigh.

 

“Ok, ok. Me, obviously, Clark, Lucy, your friend Jack-“

 

Lena narrowed her eyes.

 

“I knew that bastard was pushing it for a reason,” she muttered.

 

“Well, he had you, and this month.”

 

Lena nodded.

 

“Who else?” She asked.

 

“The nurses at Krypton, J’onn, Maggie-“

 

The brunette remembered fondly the not so underground betting that would go on at the hospital, and how Maggie complained about it.

 

“Those hypocrites.”

 

The last name shocked Lena.

 

“And Sam.”

 

She blinked.

 

“…wait, what? Did you say Sam made a bet?” She asked incredulously.

 

The redhead nodded.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Lena’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.

 

“What was it? That our relationship would end up burning in a fiery wreck?”

 

Alex shook her head.

 

“No, she thought you’d already be engaged.”

 

Lena absorbed the news slowly, shocked that Sam had made a bet at all. 

 

And the nature of it.

 

The redhead noticed her brooding thoughts so dragged her attention back to the present.

 

“Anyway,” she drawled. “Since we’re going to be sister in laws pretty soon… I figure you and I can come to an arrangement about this whole thing…So, you promise it’ll be next month?” She said keenly.

 

The brunette rolled her eyes.

 

“Would you like to plan it as well?” Lena asked sarcastically.

 

“Oh come on, don’t be like that!” Alex said with a laugh. “I’ll help you plan something super romantic. Violins, flowers, singers!”

 

Lena laughed as well.

 

“Thanks for the offer, Alex. But… I think I’ll be able to figure it out.”

 

* * *

 

Lena lay the flowers down softly and touched the marble headstone with a small, sad smile. 

 

“Hi, Lex,” she whispered.

 

She hadn’t been to see his grave since the day he was buried. His body had been torn apart in the explosion, completely unrecognisable. It was an image that would be burnt into her mind for the rest of her life, having to identify him by the shoes he was wearing… The funeral had been smaller than any Luthor funeral had been before it. Given the nature of his death and the subsequent investigation by the FBI, the usual dignitaries weren’t invited. No pomp an circumstance and no eulogies were read. The media had to be paid off, lest they report on the event and the families of the victims of the explosion….well…

 

But Lex had been laid to rest alongside the rest of the family on the estate in Metropolis. The Luthor Mansion belonged to a trust set up by her father, so technically her mother would never be able to deny her access. But it wasn’t a place either of them ever visited regularly. Still, she had been coming to Metropolis on business and for the first time in her life, she felt the need to visit her brother’s grave. 

 

To talk to him.

 

The sun was, ironically, high and bright in the sky. Lena sat down on the grass in front of the headstone and stared at it silently, taking in the etched words. 

 

_Alexander Joseph Luthor_

 

_Beloved Son and Brother_

 

_Forever in our Hearts_

 

Lena felt a pang in her chest, and she reached her fingers out to trace the words.

 

“I’m sorry I haven’t visited. I just… It’s been a really hard time for me. So much has happened to me personally and for a long time I was so angry with you, and with myself, for what you did. And how you died. I think I’ll always feel partly responsible. If I could just of… You see, now this is the part where if you were still alive you’d tell me to suck it up and stop blaming myself. You’d be right too. When you died though… I had to take over the company and I just couldn’t hack it. I became depressed and my anxiety became worse. I didn’t want to leave the house. I had to quit. I don’t know if that would’ve disappointed you… but I think… I think you would have understood. You would have understood it better than me. But you see, things really began to spiral then. Veronica broke up with me. And this is the part where you tell me I told you so… You never did like her. But, I’m not angry with her. I understand why she left.”

 

Lena played with the grass next to her briefly, before she continued to speak.

 

“But… Lex, I was so angry that you killed yourself and I was so messed up myself. I felt like there wasn’t a point to living anymore. That there was nothing worth living for. And that nobody would miss me when I was gone. So I tried to do what you did too. I was found though. And… I knew that if I didn’t get the help I would do it again. I had to get help.”

 

She was crying now but still managed to smile.

 

“And I got it, Lex. And I’m so much better now. I… I feel like a person again.”

 

Lena smiled wider, her thoughts drifting to her girlfriend.

 

“The thing is… I met someone. Her name is Kara and she… well, she’s everything to me. You would have liked her a lot. She’s a writer, a poet… all things you would have teased her about relentlessly. Kara is like pure sunshine and everyone she meets… She just brings light to the world and she helped bring the light back to my life. She helped me learn to love myself again.”

 

Lena brow furrowed at that.

 

“I still feel guilty though, Lex. Because I wonder if you had gotten the help I had if you might still be here. So you could meet Kara and see me the way I am now. I quit the company too, Lex. I just… I couldn’t stand it any more. I’ve started my own. L-Corp. And yes, I know you’ll think the name is derivative, but I would argue that it’s a homage to my past, but new enough to face the future.”

 

There was a pause before Lena giggled.

 

“I can practically hear you laughing from here.”

 

She smiled at the headstone once more.

 

“The thing is Lex… I’m going to ask her to marry me. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I wish you were here so I could tell you this… But I know you would be happy for me.”

 

The CEO’s thoughts drifted away again, lingering on the recent pain she felt when she learnt about her mother.

 

“I worry, you know? About my future. Because of my past. I found out recently that my birth mom committed suicide too and it was… jarring. I’ve lost too many people to suicide now. You, my mom… myself nearly. It’s just… it’s scary. It’s like the odds are stacked against me. But, I guess they’ve always been stacked against me. I’ve been blessed in other ways, especially now. I wonder though if she ever really loved me, even though I know that’s unfair to question. It was eating away at me… but thinking about you actually helped me a lot. Because I know without a doubt, that even though you killed yourself, I knew that you loved me. I hope that she felt the same.”

 

Lena let the final words out as a whisper.

 

“I miss you, Lex. I miss you every day. It’s hard to talk about you with other people, even Kara. And there’s this man I know, a friend of mine, who has schizophrenia. He’s doing so well and achieving so much with his life. I look at him, and I can’t help but see a version of what you could have been. He’s like a brother to me, but he’s not you. He’ll never be you.”

 

She kissed the ends of her fingers and pressed them against her brother’s name.

 

“I forgive you for what you did, Lex. I forgive my mom too. And I forgive me.”

 

Lena stood to her feet and brushed the stay grass off her body before giving the gave a final smile.

 

“I’ll come to visit again soon. Maybe then I can introduce you to Kara.”

 

* * *

 

“What can you tell me?”

 

Sam looked at her seriously from across the table, her face equally militant and business-like.

 

Lena let out a sigh and rubbed the side of her head.

 

“She’s doing well in school Lot’s of friends, good grades. She plays the violin.”

 

The other woman rolled her eyes at that, and Lena felt a pang of annoyance.

 

“I know that!” Sam all but shouted. "Is she actually happy? Is the family… are they treating her right? Did you really check?”

 

Lena felt her annoyance subside slightly at Sam’s edgy tone.

 

“She’s happy, Ruby. They’re looking after her,” she tried to reassure.

 

it seemed to have the opposite effect, and Sam’s face turned thunderous. 

 

“I asked you to make sure she-“

 

The CEO interrupted furiously.

 

“What do you want me to do, Sam? Uproot her from a stable home?”

 

The other woman glared at her, clearly thinking that Lena was missing the point completely.

 

“There’s only so much she can tell me in her letters and on the phone, Lena. There’s only so much I can say. That’s why I wanted you to be the one to… to….”

 

The CEO shook her head.

 

“You just want me to tell you what you want to hear, Sam. Ruby’s doing well. She’s happy.”

 

The other woman glared down at the table.

 

“I can’t believe that,” she said darkly.

 

Lena watched her for a few minutes silently, gathering her thoughts about what she would say.

 

“You told me once,” she began finally in a soft voice. "That we both understood that darkness in the world. Because we’d both lived in it and walked in it. But I’ve seen the light in life too, Sam. And it isn’t an illusion. Don’t make the mistake my mother made, the one I think your mother made too. More concerned about their own feelings and wishes in life than those of their children. Why isn’t she allowed to be happy without you?”

 

Sam looked up at her, and Lena was stunned to see tears in her eyes.

 

“Because she’s the only thing I have left in the world. She’s the only one who has to love me in this life.”

 

Lena’s thoughts drifted to her own mother.

 

Both of them.

 

“She can still love you and be happy without you, Sam,” she said finally.

 

The other woman gave her an earnest look.

 

“Keep your promise, Lena. Watch out for her,” she stated flatly.

 

The CEO nodded.

 

“Sam… of course I will.”

 

A few minutes passed between them, before Lena’s mouth curled into a smile.

 

“I’m asking her to marry me.”

 

The words rang out in the air, and a few seconds passed before Sam let out a loud groan and rocked back in her chair.

 

“Shit,” she exclaimed, glaring at Lena as if she had stolen her favourite toy.

 

The CEO arched an eyebrow.

 

“Upset about losing your bet?”

 

The other woman didn’t seem surprised that Lena knew about the bet, merely grimacing and crossing her arms over her chest.

 

“Well, I thought for sure the puppy would have asked… But I’d already lost. I bet on a month ago.”

 

Lena tilted her head at that.

 

“What did you think I would say?” She asked.

 

Sam stared at her for a minute before a small smile grew on her face.

 

“Yes, of course. I’ve written you off as a lost cause officially.”

 

The CEO felt her headache disappear at the words, and she smiled back.

 

“You know, I can’t help but feel touched.”

 

Sam smirked.

 

“Why? I just insulted your intelligence.”

 

The brunette rolled her eyes.

 

“Whatever you say, Sam.”

 

The patient hesitated, before speaking again in a gruff voice. 

  
“I guess… be happy?”

 

They watched each other for a minute, Lena absorbing the other woman’s face and her mind running through every interaction she had ever had with her. 

 

“I hope you’ll be happy too, Sam. I really do,” she finally said softly.

 

The patient watched her carefully before a genuine smile grew across her face.

 

“Well, maybe one day.”

 

* * *

 

“How did it go?” Kara asked, leaning against the counter as Lena plated up the lasagne she had cooked for both of them.

 

The brunet sighed deeply and shook her head, before handing Kara her plate.

 

“It was… God, I look at her and I can’t help but worry that she could be me if I allowed anger to completely take my heart.”

 

They sat down at the dining room table and began to eat, the blonde taking a few bites before she looked back up at her girlfriend who was only picking at her food. Kara let out a breath before dropping her fork down on the table and reaching out to hold the brunette’s hand.

 

“You know I don’t like her, Lena… But she’s lucky to have a friend like you,” she said with a smile.

 

Lena squeezed their joined hands, her eyes flickering until she seemed to come to a decision. The brunette stood to her feet and moved over to her handbag, pulling out a manila folder, moving back to the table and dropping the envelope between them.

 

“The investigator I hired to look into Ruby… I asked him to look into my mother too,” she said, tapping the envelope.

 

Kara tilted her head.

 

“You’d never done it before?” She asked.

 

Lena sighed, her fingers playing at the edge of the envelope.

 

“It was… hard. I never thought I would find out more about her. And since I found out how she died… I part of me didn’t want to know more. In case it completely cracked apart the last few memories I have of her. Like maybe those were just the comforting illusions created by a lonely child. I didn’t want that to be taken away from me. But it also fuelled me to just… just to know ”

 

The brunette let out another heavy sigh before opening the envelope and pulling out a photo she looked at it briefly before passing it to the blonde.

 

“This is her.”

 

Kara took the photo form her gently, staring down at it.

 

She looked almost identical to Lena, except for the colour of her eyes. It was obviously a school photo, Lena’s mom decked out in what looked like a private school uniform and smiling at the camera. She looked kind and young. Optimistic.

 

“Oh wow… she looks just like you,” Kara finally said.

 

Lena opened her mouth, but it twisted into a smile.

 

“I… She does, doesn’t she.”

 

The blonde handed the photo back.

 

“When was it taken?”

 

The brunette stared down at the image for a few more minutes before placing it back on the table.

 

“She couldn’t have been more than seventeen,” she answered, before looking at Kara once more.

 

“Her name was Niamh Ryan,” she continued, her eyes slightly glossy. “She got pregnant with me when she was twenty-one. Looking at the dates, my father was conducting business in Ireland for about six months during the time my mother became pregnant with me. I don’t know what exactly happened, but he left and well… that was that.”

 

“What about her parents?” Kara asked.

 

Lena grimaced.

 

“Disowned her, once they found out about me. Seems the pattern of subpar parents exists on both sides of the family. They’re dead now anyway, so that’s… well….”

 

Kara reached over again to hold the brunette’s hand. 

 

“What else?” She asked softly.

 

Lena shuddered before continuing in a shaky voice.

 

“She dropped out of school after that. Got a job as a waitress, had me and four years later… she killed herself. My father must have kept tabs on me though because once he found out about it… he took me in. The rest is history.”

 

Kara hesitated before continuing.

 

“Did you… find out what she was like?”

 

The brunette shook her head.

 

“No. And I could do more digging I guess, try to track down people that knew her. The friends she had in school, the friend she left me with… And maybe I will, but for now….”

 

She turned back to the photo and picked it up once more.

 

“I look at this photo and I see myself. And I think how on earth could I be angry at someone for doing exactly what I did. People who try to kill themselves don’t do it because they don’t love anyone they leave behind… They do it because they don’t think they're worthy of the love the people they leave behind give them.”

 

Kara smiled, tearing up slightly herself.

“How could I really know…. but I think she would be incredibly proud of you,” she whispered out.

 

“I guess I’ll never really know if I had a mother who was proud of me,” Lena said finally.

 

The blonde watched her for a few seconds, before apparently making a choice and standing to her feet. She walked away from the brunette and rummaged around her desk next to the window. Lena watched as the blonde found whatever it was that she was looking for, and pulled out an envelope of her own. Kara walked back towards the brunette and sat back down.

 

“You know, they would have loved you,” she said wistfully.

 

Lena frowned, confused.

 

“Who?” She asked,

 

Kara smiled at her, her eyes shining with love. 

 

“My parents. They really would have loved you. I know I said before, that I wanted to talk to you about them. And that… it was hard. You have to understand, I’ve never really talked about them. Not with J’onn or Dox. Not even Alex. It was… The memories I have of them are wrapped in pain and love and…. I’ve never wanted to share them with anyone before you.”

  
“Kara-“ Lena tried to interrupt.

 

The blonde shook her head, cutting her off.

 

“No, I really do.”

 

Kara opened the envelope in front of them and pulled out a photo of her own. It was faded with age, but the people in it were clear. The blonde handed it the Lena, and the brunette absorbed it.

 

A young girl, obviously Kara, sat happy and laughing on a man’s shoulder's while a woman stood beside them. The man was fair-haired with blue eyes, the same of his daughter’s. He had a kind face and was laughing along with his daughter. Her mother had darker hair and her smile was smaller, but she looked up at her daughter and husband with adoration clear in her eyes. 

 

“I don’t have a lot of photos of them left,” Kara said, interrupting her girlfriend’s thoughts. “Most of them were burnt in the fire… But this was my tenth birthday. We all went to the beach that day. I didn’t have a lot of friends when I was young, I always was a little bit weird I guess. More interested in staring at the stars with my dad than hanging around talking about boys. But I loved spending time with my parents. Dad was easily my best friend. We did everything together. We just… we just clicked. He had a great sense of humour, way better than mine actually. He was so funny. And he could remember the most random of facts. He liked to play games in the car and loved to draw. His office at home was the messiest place on the planet, full of random science things. I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. It was different with my Mom. She was stronger than him, tougher. She loved her job and she was really good at it. But I didn’t see her nearly as much as Dad. We always seemed to operate on different wavelengths. She was serious and didn’t speak unless she had something to say. She loved to read though, and I didn’t realise at the time, but she was the first person to really encourage my love of writing. Mom was the first person to buy my a journal to write in. Mom worked all the time though, it created a lot of distance between us. For a while, after her death, I struggled with a lot of things. A part of me, an angry part, wondered if she really loved me. Because she didn’t love me the same way that Dad did. It was quieter but it was just as fierce.”

 

Lena watched her girlfriend carefully, her mind and heart filling up with love.

 

Kara reached inside the envelope once more and pulled out a smudged, handwritten letter. 

 

“This was a letter she wrote me. She put it with her will, and it was to be given to me on my eighteenth birthday if she died before then.”

 

The blonde smiled up at her, eyes shining again.

 

“She told me that she loved me more than anything else in the world. That of everything she had done in her life, I was the thing that made her most proud. That she knew I was brave and strong and that she knew I would grow up to be great. That my destiny was my own to find, and that I should never let anyone stop me going after my dreams. That I would sometimes lose my way and stumble, but as long as I remembered who I was and the person I wanted to be I would be ok. That I should never give up on myself. She told me that one day she knew I would find someone who loved me more than anything in the world. That she loved my father an I that way, so she knew it was possible. She told me that I should always have faith in myself and faith in my own happiness.”

 

Kara looked back down at the letter briefly, before holding it out to the brunette with a smile.

 

“There’s a lot more to say about them, a lifetime of stuff. But I want you to have this.”

 

Lena’s jaw dropped.

 

“No, Kara. I can’t take that.”

 

The blonde shook her head and slid the letter in front of her girlfriend. 

 

“You’re not taking it, I’m giving it to you. I know your relationship with your mother, both of them… are stepped in pain. And I wish more than anything that you could be given the chance to get to know your birth mom. To understand why… everything that happened to her. I know how hard the road will be now to find closure with her death now. So yes, I want you to have this. Because I know that my mother, and my father, would want you to have it. Because they would love like a daughter. And they would be so proud of you.”

 

Lena’s heart stopped at that, and when she looked back up into the blood’s beautiful, blue eyes her mind exploded with images. Everything, from the first time she saw her through the window of her room after pushing Sam into the lake. To staying with her the night Kara had her nightmare. 

 

Kara writing her poetry, and the way she looked bathed in the moonlight the night of her birthday.

 

Her leaving the hospital, seeing her once more when she opened the door expecting Chinese.

 

Kicking her out and the pain she felt for months afterwards

 

The realisation that she wanted to-

 

“Marry me.”

 

Lena blinked in shock at what she blurted out but found herself feeling a profound sense of peace that she’d finally said it.

 

Kara, on the other hand, looked completely stunned.

 

“I’m sorry… what?” She spluttered.

 

The brunette smiled widely.

 

“Marry me,” she said in a breath.

 

The blonde watched her for a whole minute, that seemed to last a lifetime, her eyes clouded with different emotions. Lena’s heart pounded in her chest until Kara let out a sigh and reached across to hold her hand. 

 

“Lena-“ She began in a regretful voice, but the brunette cut her off.

 

“I know you said you wanted to take things slowly-“

 

Kara let out an incredulous laugh.

 

“Yes, Lena! And asking me to marry you is definitely falls under the definition of NOT taking things slowly!”

 

The brunette couldn’t help but smile again, even though Kara seemed to be fighting something within herself.

 

“It’s a commitment to each other. And as slow as you like, I am committed to you.”

 

Kara watched her, her eyes panicking and a storm of emotions running across her face.

 

“Lena, do you think we’ve even reached the point where we can be sure that we want to be committed to each other for the rest of our lives.”

 

She said the words like she didn’t believe them herself. 

 

Lena continued with a look of pure joy on her face.

 

“I have. I have, right now. In this moment, I have never been surer of anything in my life. I know this is… a lot. Our relationship has always been unconventional. We stop when we should be steady, and we speed up when we should stop. We met in the most unconventional of circumstances at the lowest points in our lives. I’m a scientist, Kara. I don’t believe in fate. But I know in my heart I was destined to find you. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Yes, I know I could be. I know that my happiness isn’t dependant on our relationship. I know I could survive, and so could you if we fell apart. I know I could move on. But darling, I don’t want to. You’re not what I need, you’re what I want. And that makes you my choice. The choices we make in life are more powerful than anything else. It is the epitome of free will. And all I want is you. We can have to longest engagement on the planet. We can wait a year, five years, fifty years! I don’t care how slow. We can keep it between us or we can shout it from the rooftops. I just want you to know that I’m one hundred per cent committed to you at whatever stage we’re at personally. If you say no, I get it. I just needed you to know where I’m at.”

 

She sat back at that, a weight lifted from her shoulders at finally letting out all she felt for the woman in front of her. Kara watched her closely, her eyes filling with tears.

 

“Lena, I thought you wanted us to understand ourselves individually first,” she whispered out weakly.

 

The brunette leaned forward and took both of the blonde’s hand within her own.

 

“Kara, getting to know ourselves is a lifelong journey. It’ll never end. But I’m sure of who I am now, and I’m happy with who I am now. And I love you. More than anything in the world, I love you.” 

 

Lena tilted her head, a few tears falling out of her eyes.

 

“We are always going to be a part of each other’s lives in some form, Kara. I know it’s fucked up. I know our lives will never be simple. We both have illness’ that are difficult to manage on a good day. We’ll have them for the rest of our lives. We’ll fight and argue and I’m sure sometimes we might want to kill each other. But darling, life isn’t simple for anyone. We have to grab happiness where we can and never let go of it. I want you, Kara. And I promise you, I will make it my mission in life to give both of us all the good days.” 

 

The blonde didn’t reply, so Lena smiled once more.

 

“Marry me?” 

 

Kara watched her before a smile grew on her face.

 

“You’re insane,” she replied.

 

Lena winked at the blonde.

 

“Certified, baby,” she whispered out.

 

The blonde pulled back, her hands folding in her lap as she considered the brunette’s question in silence. After a long pause, she stood to her feet suddenly. Lena watched as Kara all but sprinted to her bookcase, looking for something. Once she found it, she smiled widely and ran back to the table. Kara opened the book on a specific page and handed it to Lena.

 

“Read this,” she demanded.

 

Lena raised an eyebrow at that.

 

“What is it?” She asked.

 

The blonde smiled.

 

“The day I first met you in Krypton, this was the journal I wrote in. Read it.”

 

The brunette looked down at the book and began to read the loopy handwritten words out loud.

 

“Dear Diary. It’s me again, just like everyday… But today certainly wasn’t just like every day. A new patient arrived today. She reminds me of a forest, just as the sun goes down. Muted brown and almost black. You can see the stars in her eyes. And that shade of green! I wonder if even Clark would be able to capture it. She looks sad though. I suppose most people are in this place when they first arrive. Some of them turn angry, and some of them get better. I don’t know why diary, but I want to help Lena get better. Lena… What a pretty name. A beautiful name. Diary… the truth is I’m already infatuated. And maybe it’s just the drugs talking. And maybe I’ll look at this in six months and realise how I was just on a stupid high again… But I think I’m going to fall in love with this woman. And who knows? Maybe one day I’ll marry her.”

 

The words rang in the air, and Lena looked up to see Kara smiling down at her tearily.

 

“Is that… a yes?” The CEO asked in a shaky voice.

 

The instant the other woman nodded, the brunette jumped to her feet and pulled her into a tight hug. Kara let out a watery laugh and hugged her back just as tightly, before pulling away and giving her a deep kiss. After a few moments passed, she pulled away again and rested her head against Lena’s.

 

“I do want a long engagement…,” she whispered. “And I want to keep this between us for the moment. I don’t want to give my sister the satisfaction… And I don’t even want a ring. But yes, at the moment I promise one day I’ll marry you.” 

 

Lena grinned widely, a pressed another quick kiss against the blonde’s lips.

 

“We’ll do it our way, darling,” she replied. “Whatever way we’re both comfortable with.”

 

A few more seconds passed before Lena raised an eyebrow.

 

“But… maybe just a small ring?” She questioned.

 

Kara laughed.

 

“Trying to claim possession of me already, Ms Luthor?” She teased,

 

The brunette shook her head.

 

“Just your heart, darling.”

 

There was a beat, as they both smiled happily at each other before Kara whispered again.

 

“….you already bought the ring, didn’t you?”

 

Lena hesitated.

 

“….maybe….and about your sister…” She trailed off.

 

The blonde flushed and let out a groan. 

 

“Oh my God, you didn’t…” She said accusingly.

 

Lena winced.

 

“I didn’t ask for her permission or anything… more like, her blessing?”

 

Kara let out a laugh.

 

“That must have been a fun conversation.”

 

The CEO snorted.

“She teased me the whole time actually… but she and Maggie had a running bet about it, so I was expressly forbidden from asking you until at least next month.”

 

Kara shook her head in amusement, grinning down at the brunette.

 

“Blew that one then, didn’t you?” She teased.

 

Lena shrugged, smiling happily herself.

 

“I just…. I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t hold it in. I had to tell you what I felt.”

 

The blonde let out a breath before tilting her head so it once again rested on top of Lena’s.

 

“I’m glad you did,” she whispered against her lips.

 

The brunette closed her eyes and took a deep breath, allowing the glow if happiness in her chest pass through her whole body like a flood of water.

 

“I love you, Kara,” she whispered out.

 

The blonde pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

 

“I love you too,” she answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My cold and evil heart melted writing this baby, so I can't help but wonder how the rest of you poor sods are holding up! Let me know what you thought, in the comments below.
> 
> Or, you could just wait for the GRAND FINALE EPILOGUE! Which will hopefully be out in the next few hours as well.


	32. True Love Stories Never Have Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue... we've reached the end :)

“I wanted to thank you, Lena. It is always the highlight of my year to come to this event. You can expect a large donation as always to such an important cause.”

 

Lena smiled at the elderly woman and shook her hand.

 

“Thank you so much Mrs Egelton.”

 

“Please dear, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Susan.”

 

Lena smiled wider.

 

“Thank you, Susan. Your presence and your donation are very much appreciated, as always.”

 

The older woman smiled and wandered off into the crowd, calling out when she saw someone she knew. Suddenly, Lena was assaulted from behind by a tight pair of arms wrapping themselves around her legs.

 

“Guess who?” A giggling voice sounded out.

 

The CEO pretended to ponder the question.

 

“Is it…. Auntie Alex?”

 

Another giggle.

 

“No! Guess again, Mommy.”

 

Lena pretended to think for another minute.

 

“Is it… Connor?”

 

“No Mommy! It’s me, Lori!”

 

Lena looked down at her leg at her dark-haired and gap-toothed daughter stared up at her with hair of maniacal blue eyes that were so similar to Kara’s that made Lena sometimes think that she was the one to carry her.

 

The green-eyed woman scooped the toddler up in her arms and rested her against her hip while giving her a fake frown.

 

“No, you can’t be Lori. My daughter’s supposed to be waiting with Uncle Clark, Auntie Lois and Connor while I talked to some grown-ups.”

 

Lori pouted at that and played with the strap on her mother’s dress before letting out an overly dramatic sigh that Lena, once again, swore was all Kara.

 

“I wanna help!” She said with a frown, staring up at Lena definitely.

 

The brunette arched an eyebrow at her daughter’s words, but a small smile began to form on her lips.

  
“Oh you do, do you? And what would you say to all the people when they come up and ask why tonight is so important?”

 

Lena suddenly felt a hand on her back.

 

“She’ll tell them that her mother is phenomenal, and what she’s doing to help so many people is incredible,” a smooth voice interjected.

 

Lena turned to see her wife standing behind her and smiled. Lori reached out for Kara to take her which the other woman did gladly.

 

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere little one. Uncle Clark was worried when you disappeared.”

 

The blonde gave her dark-haired daughter a stern look, but she wouldn’t feel mad at her for too long. It was easy to cave when Lori pouted and looked up at her. 

 

Lena rolled her eyes, knowing full well that Kara was about as authoritarian as a tea towel, but Kara ignored her.

 

Lori, on the other hand, upped the dramatics by adding a slight wobble to her lip.

 

“I’m sorry, Mama. I just wanted to help,” she exclaimed unhappily.

 

Lena raised her eyebrows, looking at Kara expectantly. She knew exactly what her wife’s reaction was going to be.

 

The blonde huffed slightly but felt her defences crash down anyway. 

 

She gave her daughter a tight hug.

 

“It’s ok, baby. But how about we go back to see Connor now? I know he has something he wants to show you.”

 

Lori’s face did a dramatic turn from sad to excited and she wiggled in Kara’s arms to be put down on the floor.

 

“Ok!” She said happily.

 

Kara laughed at her daughter’s antics, before turning to face her wife and pressing a quick kiss to her lips.

 

“How’s it been going so far?” She asked.

 

Lena around the ballroom happily, her eyes absorbing in the various banners hanging as well as the flood of people packed into the room, decked out in all their finery. Her eyes tracked over the mingling people. 

 

Jack, who was shamelessly flirting with a host of women by the bar. One of whom, was Veronica Sinclair, much to Lena’s surprise and amusement. It had taken a few years, but Lena had reached out to her ex-fiancée to bury the hatchet. 

 

But Jack definitely had his work cut out for him.

 

Cat Grant was here, just as she was every year, who was also surrounded by a horde of men who she was flirting with. 

 

Mingling among the richer than rich people, were a series of former at-risk kids, Lena’s company had helped sponsor to turn their life around and fund their college degrees. 

 

It made her ridiculously happy to all these people from different walks of life talking to each other, sharing their stories.

 

“Good,” she answered finally with a grin. "Great actually. I think we’ve already exceeded the amount we raised last year and we aren’t even halfway through the night!”

 

Kara looked at her fondly, her fingers reaching out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind the brunette’s now triple pierced ear even while Lori complained at their feet.

 

“It’s all you, babe. All of this wouldn’t be possible without you,” she said with a loving smile.

 

The CEO tilted her head and rested it against her wife’s.

 

“You’re sweet, but I couldn’t have done any of it without you,” she all but cooed back, knowing full well it would disgust their daughter to no end.

 

Lori barely had time to complain though, when they were interrupted by a loud and cheerful voice.

 

“Are you two being disgustingly sweet again? If you carry on like that in front of Lori you’re going to rot her teeth.”

 

Lori pulled away from Kara and ran towards the grinning and glamorous looking lawyer.

 

“Auntie Lucy!” The little girl cried.

 

Lucy picked her up easily in her arms and gave her a quick hug.

 

“Hey, there bug. How’re you doing?” She asked easily.

 

The little girl smiled toothily.

 

“Connor and I have been playing hide and seek, but I went to find Mommy!”

 

Lucy gasped loudly.

 

“Have you? Can I play too?” She asked.

 

Lori frowned, her little face scrunching in thought.

 

“It was supposed to be just me and Connor, but I guess you can play too,” she said finally.

 

Kara snorted at her daughter’s behaviour, while Lena bit her lip to stop herself from grinning.

 

Lucy arched an eyebrow at the young girl.

 

“Oh, I can? How magnanimous of you,” she replied dryly.

 

Lori looked confused at the new word.

 

“Maggamanimoose?”

 

“It means kind,” Lucy explained before turning to look at Lena and Kara with a blinding grin. 

 

“Just like your parents are going to be about me being two hours late.”

 

Kara rolled her eyes and Lena shook her head at the lawyer’s shameless behaviour.

 

“A new low, Luce,” the blonde replied, before reaching out to take her daughter. 

 

“Using our daughter’s pouty eyes against us like that.”

 

The lawyer laughed, before reaching into her bag for something.

 

“Oh please,” she replied. “I’ve been doing that for years. But here, I got something for you.”

 

Lori cried out happily as she took the gift from the older woman’s hand.

 

“A colouring book! Thank you, Auntie!”

 

The little girl turned to look up at her blonde mother.

 

“Mama, can I go show Connor?” She asked.

 

Kara smiled and put her back on the ground.

 

“Of course you can, just make sure you stay where Uncle Clark can see you.”

 

Lucy waved away the blonde’s concerns.

 

“Don’t worry, I have to say hello to them anyway so I’ll keep an eye on her.”

 

Lena let out a humourless laugh, recalling all the previous times Lucy had ‘kept an eye’ on their daughter.

 

“You say that like it’s supposed to reassure us, but it really doesn’t,” Kara said dryly.

 

Lucy glared at both of them.

 

“I lost her one time and it was only for two minutes!” She cried.

 

The CEO arched her eyebrow and pointed after Lori who was standing with Clark and Lois’ son, happily showing off her new book.

 

“All the same,” Lena said. “That’s our daughter.”

 

The lawyer groaned.

 

“Yes, yes. Don’t worry, I’ve got this,” she said with a grin, ready to walk away before speaking again. 

 

“Oh, and by the way, this all looks amazing. Congratulations.”

 

Lena thanked her but shook her head at the lawyer’s retreating form. Watching as she pulled out another colouring book for her nephew to play with.

 

“Sometimes I wonder if she’s ever going to change,” Kara said.

 

Lena laughed and turned to face her wife with a smile.

 

“Don’t count on it. Besides, you like her just the way she is,” she teased.

 

Kara hugged Lena around her waist and she turned to look around the room herself. After a few more sips of her drink, she turned to face her wife again.

 

“Did I mention how proud I am of you tonight?” She said adoringly.

 

Lena rolled her eyes but smiled at her wife again.

 

“Only five hundred times today. Scratch that, you say it five hundred times every day.”

 

The blonde nuzzled her nose into the side of the brunette’s cheek.

 

“Only because it’s true every day,” she whispered.

 

Twenty more minutes passed, as Kara and Lena both greeted and thanked guests for their various donations. Talking about the projects both of them were working on for the foundation. They were nearly done with the meet and greet when a young smiling woman approached them and embraced them in a hug.

 

“Lena, Kara, I just wanted to thank you again for inviting me,” she said once she pulled back.

 

The CEO gave the woman a fond smile.

 

“Of course, Ruby. We love having you here. How’s school going? Are you enjoying all your classes?”

 

Ruby smiled again.

 

“Yep. I thought it would be nothing but snooty rich kids there, but I’ve managed to find some normal people to hang out with,” she said with a laugh.

 

Kara smiled widely at the news.

 

“That’s so great to hear! How long are you in town for?” She asked.

 

“Just for the week,” the young woman replied. “I got in last night, but I went to visit Mom today.”

 

The CEO leant forward, her expression gentle.

 

“How is she?” She asked.

 

Ruby gave them both a bittersweet smile.

 

“As well as can be expected I guess. Same old Mom, but she seemed happy to hear that I’m enjoying my classes.”

 

Kara frowned at what Ruby told her, before giving her another smile. 

 

“Well, we’d love to have you to dinner before you head back out.”

 

Ruby smiled thankfully at that and pulled them both into another hug each.

 

“Will do. Good luck tonight,” she said before walking away.

 

“Thank you, darling,” Lena replied, before turning back to look at her wife. 

 

“It’s good to see her so happy,” the brunette said.

 

Kara nodded, her eyes trailing after the young women who was ordering a drink at the bar.

 

“It’s hard to imagine the moody teenager we first met with the young woman she’s become,” she said proudly.

 

“She’s still that person though. She’s just grown to have new parts of herself now,” Lena replied sagely.

 

The blonde shook her head in bemusement at her wife.

 

“Do you always have to be so full of wisdom?” She teased.

 

Lena shrugged.

 

“What can I say? Flowery words are my living.”

 

The blonde laughed again before her eyes turned to look around the room once more. Her eyes rested on Clark standing with his wife, the man catching her gaze and raising his drink in a toast. She smiled at him. The man had truly created a wonderful life for himself and his family. Coming into his own in a way that nobody would have thought possible ten years ago. Her eyes shifted down to look at her daughter playing happily with Clark and Lois’ dark-haired son, Connor, at the clean-shaven man’s feet. 

 

Lori was the best thing that had ever happened to her, she was the light of her life. The beautiful and intelligent little girl brought out the best in her in a way that she would never have thought was possible before she existed. But sometimes, when she stared at her for too long. 

 

When Lori had a bad day and tears rushed down her face.

 

She just wondered. 

 

“Do you still ever look at her and wonder. If one day, we’ve condemned her to suffer like us. The genetic component of it all. A mental illness,” she whispered out.

 

Lena looked over at her daughter, her mind running along the same thought pattern as her wife’s. After a minute though, she just smiled widely and turned back to face Kara.

 

“If it happens, we’re not sure, then we’ll be there for her. She’ll always know that we’re here to listen. That we understand. And she’ll grow up in a world that understands. She’ll grow up knowing that’s there's nothing wrong with her. That she’s not wrong. Because if nothing else, we’re survivors. Every day we wake up, we fight the toughest enemy there is. Our own mind. And every day we fall asleep at night, we’ve won.”

 

Kara smiled at Lena and the conviction in her words.

 

The blonde leaned in for another kiss, her lips capturing her wife’s with enough passion that the other woman let out a moan. 

 

After a few seconds, Lena pulled away with a laugh. She quickly checked her watch, before stepping back and smoothing out her dress.

 

“Ok, that’s me. I’ve got to go,” she said.

 

Kara smile, and gave her hand a final squeeze.

 

“Good luck, babe,” she replied before watching her wife walk away and towards the podium.

 

The blonde walked over to her family, Maggie and Alex having shifted through the crowd to join the small group of people. They greeted her with smiles and passed her another glass of water.

 

“You feeling better now?” Alex asked.

 

The blonde nodded, before turning to face the stage as Lena took her place and the crowd died down.

 

The brunette took a nervous breath as she looked out over the crowd, even after all these years speaking in public made her nervous. Her heart only calmed when her eyes landed on her wife and family who were all staring up at her with encouraging smiles. 

 

She took a deep breath and began to speak.

 

“Firstly, I would just like to say a quick thank you to all of you for coming out tonight to support the L-Corp You’re Worth It charity. As many of you know, our primary aim is to increase education about mental health and illness’ in the world. We fund education programs in the school’s across the country, and now the world, as well as providing free health care and support to any and all people admitted to the psychiatric ward of the National City General Hospital. It is our mission to one day expand this program across all the hospitals in the country, and it is only with your donations can this dream one day become a reality. Just this year, we were able to offer an open free health care clinics in at-risk communities with a special emphasis on mental health. You’re Worth It has also been instrumental in supporting numerous bills passed through congress regarding education surrounding mental health, and the accompanying care and treatment sufferers need to be able to live full and happy lives.”

 

Lena smiled at the room, gesturing down to her bare arms and the old scars there.

 

“As many of you already know, this cause is extremely close to my heart. My wife suffers from bipolar disorder and many of our wonderful family have battled with mental health issues in their lives. I myself tried to commit suicide nearly a decade ago. It was only through the fantastic health care and support I received that I was able to come out the other side of it. A testament to how important the right treatment is, and how it can completely change people’s lives.”

 

The brunette looked over at her daughter, who was still playing with Connor oblivious to the speech her mother was making. The CEO smiled at that, before returning to her speech.

 

“Someone once asked me, how I feel when I look down at the scars on my arms. The ones I created myself when I attempted to end my life. For a long time, I resented them. I felt angry and ashamed within myself. It fluctuated for many years, but a lingering sense of it was always there. It was only when I decided that I didn’t need to hide them, that I realised that I truly felt proud of them. Even glad, that when mentioned I had a chance to spark a conversation. A conversation that I hope, I will never stop having. Stigma and shame are hallmarks of dealing with mental illness, and it is vital that this no longer be the case. For people’s very survival depends on it.”

 

There was a round of applause in the room, which Lena gestured down with a smile.

 

“I’d like to thank my friends and family here tonight, who without fail support and dedicated their time to this cause. They are truly the foundation on which this charity has been built. I’d like to thank all the amazing healthcare workers I have met in my time doing this. Knowing that there are so many people out there dedicating their lives to helping others is truly phenomenal. I’d like to thank my daughter, who I’m pretty sure is hiding under a table right now. For everything that she is and represents to me.”

 

Her eyes locked on Kara’s.

 

“And finally, and most importantly,” she said, her voice breaking slightly. “I’d like to thank my amazing wife without whom I truly know none of this could have been possible. She is my guiding light, the person I can always trust to catch me when I fall. Kara, thank you for teaching me that I am worthy of love.”

 

The applause this time shook the chandelier. Lena walked off the stage to a round of handshakes and congratulations as she made her way over to her family. The group of them gave her a series of hugs and congratulations, Connor and Lori both giving her tight ones around her knees.

 

She turned to face her ex-psychologist, who gave her an especially warm hug before pulling away.

 

“Great speech,” Maggie said with a grin. “A bit tacky for my taste, but great none the less.”

 

Lena laughed.

 

“You can talk Maggie. The last time I asked you to guest speak you almost collapsed in fright.”

 

The dimpled woman laughed.

 

“What can I say? I wasn’t put on this earth to speak in public.”

 

Lena turned to face Clark next, who gave her a warm smile before embracing her tightly.

 

“Well done, Lena,” he said. “You brought tears to my eyes.”

 

The brunette pulled back with another smile, her own eyes tearing at the sincerity in Clark’s voice.

 

“Anytime someone so much as smiles at a butterfly it brings tears to your eyes, Clark,” she teased.

 

The man gave her a kind look.

 

“All the same, every-time I see you I am inspired by you. You are a gift to the world.”

 

Tears began to wobble out of her eyes.

 

“Now you’re going to make me cry. Come here.”

 

After another round of hugs with everyone else in the group, Lucy giving her a friendly punch in the shoulder and Alex a pounding on her back that left her wincing. The brunette turned to face her wife who was smiling at her like she had hung the moon in the sky.

 

She walked forward and pulled her into a tight hug, pressing a kiss against her lips.

 

“Did I mention today how proud I am of you?” The blonde said once she pulled back.

 

Lena smiled.

 

“Yes, you did,” she said.

 

The blue-eyed woman leant back and stared down at her wife.

 

“Well, I am. I love you Lena Luthor,” she whispered.

 

The CEO placed a hand on the gentle swell of her wife’s stomach, where their unborn son lay. She looked deeply into her wife’s eyes before speaking once again.

 

“You kept your promise, you know.” She said.

 

Kara tilted her head.

 

“What promise?”

 

Lena rested her forehead against the blonde's.

 

“You’ve given me all the good days.”

 

The blonde smiled once more.

 

“With a hell of a lot more to come."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been a real journey for me. It’s helped me enormously to write it, and process my words. To talk to people and learn more about what their own experiences with mental health have been. I’m so honoured that so many of you readers have written so many comments where you’ve opened up to me about your experiences, and the things you have gone through. It’s truly been my privilege to read everything you guys have written. 
> 
> While this story is a love one, I originally wrote it to raise awareness about mental health and I can honestly say I think I have succeeded. If just one person reading this has been helped by this story, I have succeeded. 
> 
> Final dedications I guess.
> 
> This story is for my friends and family who have had to suffer and deal with mental illness, some their whole lives.
> 
> This story is for me, as I am now and for the teenage me who was so lost to despair that I almost took my own life twice.
> 
> This story is for all you readers. Wherever you are and wherever you come from. Just know, that no matter how alone you feel, there is at least one person on the planet rooting for you. You are loved, you are wanted and the world would be a much darker place without you in it. 
> 
> And finally, this story is for anyone suffering from mental illness, know that you inspire me every day to be a better person.
> 
> It has been my absolute privilege to write this fic, and I wish every single one of you nothing but good days :)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.


	33. Chapter 33

Ok guys, on the off chance that anyone might say yes, I just wanted to ask if any of you loyal fans of this fic might be interested in a sequel (which would be shorter), with peripheral SuperCorp. Lena and Kara would still be involved, but the main characters would be Sam and Ruby.

Let me know what you think in the comments if you’d like!

(sorry if I got you guys over excited about a new chapter)  

Love you peeps :) 


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